110: Time Wars #5: The Nautilus Sanction Simon Hawke

Velo Martingale

"I'm going to... what's the word... It means burn. Like to completely burn something away. Starts with an H."

gellaho

Hydrogen

Wait

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Like my guy, most of what you are proposing to nuke thought piling skulls into huge pyramids was a fun weekend.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

now if I remember correctly, this guy hates war

gellaho

Martingale fucks off

Velo Martingale

He does, which is why this isn't a war

It's a... damn what's that word

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also by his own logic does nothing because each nuke will cause a fork in the time stream.

So mostly from a future perspective nothing will happen.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it seems like it's simultaneously kicking off 20 world wars in different points of history, cretaing 20 different apocalyptic timelines?

do I have that right?

gellaho

Flavor Flav did a lot of fugue-clocking

Velo Martingale

Look we can either sit around doing maths about time or we can shoot nukes at time

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Oh Chicago burned down mysteriously, again."

Velo Martingale

I know which one I'm choosing

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If anything this risks creating like 20 Mad Max timelines.

gellaho

The time for snacking is over!

Velo Martingale

Noooooo martinagle you were a person who was here!

Oh wait said that too early

Velo Martingale

Which is rad and fixes the future

FancyShark

There's something...ironic? about time travelers waiting for anything, let alone something that requires precision timing

gellaho

Meanwhile, Dr Darkness works in... darkness

gellaho

Listen, there's no way to do time travel that isn't stupid. It's a stupid concept

Velo Martingale

The real trick is to not

FancyShark

Agreed. But it never stops being funny to think about

gellaho

Begin the assault!

FancyShark

Zerg rush!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its why I tend to avoid things that take the concept seriously. Hawke gives it the treatment it deserves, which is "Be rad with it or fuck off."

gellaho

Karate!

gellaho

As you can see, Drakov leaves like a puss

FancyShark

Shiro busting out the sickest kick combos

gellaho

Kampf's struggle

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

hahahahaha I forgot he was called Von Kampf

Hawke should have been tapped for a GI Joe esque cartoon.

FancyShark

God yes

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I would watch the ever living FUCK out of that.

gellaho

Darkness leaves after giving the solution to the problem

gellaho

I'd make a joke, but several of you have already made the God from machine joke

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I dont care to do anything further, fuck youuuuuuuu!" he said as he faded from view.

gellaho

They tell Verne to fuck off

gellaho

Weird how the first half of the book was all about him

FancyShark

Hawke fell out of love with him when he met Dr. Darkness

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"So remember how rad I made Jules Verne? Forget it, he is a weak armed pussy."

gellaho

In comes Forrester to try and kill his son again

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

almost like it was a total waste of time

gellaho

He told you in the dedication

A master of foreshadowing

Did it outside the text

FancyShark

Whoop-whoop, that's the sound of the time police

gellaho

That's called meta-fiction, which means it's smart

gellaho

Or an early nineties rap jam about basketball or "there it is"

Not Sullivan!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Rad

Velo Martingale

Sullivan NO!

What are we going to tell Sullivan Jr.?!

And Mrs. Sullivan?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"he was a good man, one would assume"

gellaho

Here's a depressing song about the Sullivans https://youtu.be/ipdPatM07Vo?si=MHCBqkqmkcR_X_kq

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You could go out way worse than jetpack on fire, shooting your plasma gun at time terrorists while diving into a volcano.

FancyShark

Tell them Carson says he's sorry

gellaho

Not Wendy! I thought for sure she'd make it!

FancyShark

wait, fuck. That was McMahon

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And none of this would have happened if Forrester had not been so bitch made that he couldnt kill his own son in a knife fight.

FancyShark

Damn my lack of late night talk show host names knowledge

Just remember that every death at this point is Forrester's fault

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You could still fit poor Wendy in a much larger bag if you just stabbed your son, who you didnt love anyway.

gellaho

Simon Hawke out here telling you how deadly lasers would actually be

gellaho

As opposed to TASERs, from our beloved boy

Velo Martingale

Forrester just didn't want to use a contraceptive, and now Sullivan Jr. is going to grow up without a father

gellaho

So many dead

Velo Martingale

You know you could probably just put a hole in the submarine with one of those lasers

Let the problem solve itself

FancyShark

Sacrificing thousands, even millions, to save three. But one of those is Cross, so it's worth it

gellaho

Neutrons: deadly if you know nothing

Velo Martingale

We have to save Jules Verne, who I assume is still alive

FancyShark

"Eat neutral charge, scum!"

gellaho

At least he didn't confuse neutrons for electrons like Peter David

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Get disrupted, nerds!

gellaho

Btw, we will be getting back to Peter David for the Book Cage anniversary. It's been far too long

FancyShark

Hell yeah

gellaho

Things not going great for Martingale

FancyShark

Or for Land

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

good thing we spent so long on this character

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol guess they should have let him run away with that sex slave.

Oh wait no, theyre good.

gellaho

I felt bad because he's been in the hospital, but the last gofundme email I got was about getting their roof repaired so they could get home owners insurance

I'm less sympathetic

And I gave him like $400, so

FancyShark

Yeah, you've done plenty for him

He still needs to explain that last Photon book

Velo Martingale

Plus we can start and end with 'hope he gets better soon' to sooth the sick sick burns we will be giving his work

gellaho

He's got a lot to answer for

Most of Photon, really

And Psi-Man

Anyway, Lucas jumps onto the nuclear sub

FancyShark

Spray that hatch, Lucas

gellaho

This is remarkably similar to my favorite book of all time, Jagged Steele. Where Steele stops a nuclear train

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

You couldnt have just disrupted the sub from the dock?

FancyShark

Goddamn, I need to see that

Or listen to the audiobook

or both

gellaho

We might get to it in December

Drakov fucks off, leaving Shiro to die

Velo Martingale

Shiro knew how this would end

FancyShark

He died as he lived: of no consequence

Velo Martingale

Can't believe Jules Verne killed Shiro

gellaho

My dream is to make it into a movie, but it's damn near impossible. What with how much of it is in a strip club. And all the bikers. And everything else

Jagged Steele is a post-apocalyptic RoboCop boob comedy

Aka the greatest thing ever made

Plus James Bond

Anyway

Threat averted

FancyShark

Killing so many angler fish

gellaho

Gout averted

FancyShark

You may resume eating fatty foods

gellaho

Anyway, Martingale is fucked

Velo Martingale

We can eat Drakov?

Oh no Martingale! He was here and present!

FancyShark

Relax, Martingale. Lucas lost half a face to fire. You'll be fine

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's crispy bacon now.

Velo Martingale

We can't lose Martingale and Sullivan!

gellaho

And here's Captain Jake Hardesty of the NYPD Strike Force, for all the Steele fans

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you just forgot Wendy Chan

FancyShark

Who?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

she was disintegrated for you and you forgot her

gellaho

Metal

Velo Martingale

OH NO WENDY

I remember her, she talked to a guy who had a sandwich!

A thing that resonated strongly for me, because I have also talked to guys who have had sandwiches

gellaho

She was Asian. And had a full two paragraphs devoted to her. Like the fourteenth amendment in an American History textbook

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Jules Verne writes Journey To the Center of the Earth based on this experience.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The what amendment? Never heard of it.

FancyShark

Who?

gellaho

He'd be so thrilled that The Rock starred in the sequel to that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"In Lighter news, Jules Verne, acclaimed author of 5 Weeks In A Balloon, has announced his new book! It's called "OH MY FUCKING GOD THE FUTURE IS AWFUL!"

gellaho

And, to conclude

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They have to beat him with hammers for so long so he doesnt go back and invent communism instead of Marx and also nuclear power.

Velo Martingale

they took Jules Verne to the future

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Might as well.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean with the hammers and all.

Velo Martingale

they took the most 'yeah i guess he's one' author to the future

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is just like when dr who met nikola tesla

FancyShark

Okay, but this was genuinely sweet

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it really was

Velo Martingale

Don't you invoke that we're having a good time tonight

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I go find that scene on youtube when I want to feel some emotions

gellaho

Yes, yes, as a Frenchman I am fully willing to surrender my memory

gellaho

Fuckin gottem!

FancyShark

Just for giggles, they also erase his memories of how to write

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Given that I never finished 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, they may have done.

Velo Martingale

I'm not even sure 'C'est tout dire' is a fitting phrase for that

FancyShark

It's French for "this is dire trout"

gellaho

I will continue to mock the French until they stop being a blight upon the Book Cage

So important

Velo Martingale

it means 'say no more' which just doesn't fit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean Jules Verne wrote a book about a teen sea captain named Dick Sand so fuck him.

gellaho

So important, they aren't going to wipe his brain

gellaho

Because fuck it

FancyShark

Aaaaand time collapses

Velo Martingale

'Normally we whould shoot your right in the skull, but your books are so good..."

FancyShark

Every writer's goal

gellaho

Who could possibly care

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just melt his brain and send him back with copies of his own writings.

Plant posthypnotic suggestions so he releases them on time, bish bash bosh.

FancyShark

So now, whenever you watch or read 20000 Leagues Under the Sea, know that Ned Land is in that book because he was cut in half by a time terrorist's laser fire

gellaho

Finn's a colonel, meanwhile, Martingale is fucked

Velo Martingale

'We've decided to shoot you in the skull, but I'm going to go on holiday disguised as you a few times every year and just kind of steal your life.'

gellaho

Congratulations?

Velo Martingale

"Oh, no!"

FancyShark

The best diagnosis is always "you should be dead"

Velo Martingale

"The doctors say you should have died. They said that would have been the smartest thing you could've done. Honestly they said they're mad at me for even bringing you to the hospital."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Actually its mostly thanks to the bizarre transhumanist experiments Doctor Darkness subjected me to. My heart is technically an independantly alive colony of something that incorporates bobbit worm DNA with algae."

FancyShark

"Can I have your pudding?"

gellaho

And now they've given Martingale the identity of the time hippie from the first two books

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"The worms crave pudding, keep your hands off."

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ease up on the italics, man, we get it

FancyShark

Martingale gurgles in fear

gellaho

And now, a message from Simon Hawke

FancyShark

hahaha

gellaho

Simon Hawke encourages you to dig up buried treasure

FancyShark

Hell yeah, Simon. Fully admitting how he took liberties. Chad move

Velo Martingale

Simon Hawke takes a moment at the end of his book to talk about this neat slave trader he found

gellaho

We have defeated Time Wars #5: The Nautilus Sanction

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah I think this is one reason why simon avoids Hitler, because he's a total history nerd and he wants to hit mroe obscure stuff to educate everyone

FancyShark

We did it!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Bastards are sometimes fascinating characters, unfortunately.

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

indeed

Velo Martingale

Thank you @gellaho !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah thanks @gellaho this was fun

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Simon Hawke books are so much fun, thanks @gellaho

gellaho

So concludes the 1110th Edition of The Book Cage

Velo Martingale

I was really expecting him to lust after Jules Verne some more at the end

gellaho

May all your time volanco lairs be free of time commandos

FancyShark

Great riffing, everybody! Have a great night!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Goddam time commandos are like roaches.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

shame Verne couldn't join the time cops, but he was nowehere near badical enough

Velo Martingale

Also going through the old book cages, trying to find the legendary Dumbest Book Gellaho's Ever Read. Nicole Davidson is such a dork

Deep Creek Lake is an actual place

It's about an hour away from Rockville, where her office was last time she updated her website

sexdick jakesy

Colorado is where he and George RR met, this is the period