FancyShark
Still trying to figure out what influence Dr. Darkness had on this
110: Time Wars #5: The Nautilus Sanction Simon Hawke
#5 Time Wars
Tags:
The Year of Pain
Fifth in the new time travel adventure series!
Archive
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Oh right, they basically played video games and shit.
gellaho
Then she decides to throw herself overboard as a ploy
Velo Martingale
Andre this is toxic behavior
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this is so weird
gellaho
And knocks Finn out in the process
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
simon just have a wank before you start writing
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
When a beefy Amazon woman tells you to help her get laid, you fucking do it or you get a fat lip.
gellaho
So that happens
gellaho
No way, we can't mess with his process
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Get you some, Andre.
gellaho
We'd get way less descriptions of beefy black men
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Oh god yes, if Simon wasnt a little cum brained when he wrote it wouldnt be nearly as much fun.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
haha ok this idea has been roundly rejected
full steam ahead simon
gellaho
Meanwhile, Verne has been throwing up because he needs to see what's in those cases!
FancyShark
Jules Verne demands to know "WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOOOX?!"
sexdick jakesy
The sacred tenets of beefy black men, voluptuous redheads, and lips will not be profaned in this house
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Okay but you have to agree to have your memory erased after.....how do we do that? Nevermind,it has nothing to do with this hammer."
Velo Martingale
Ah THERE'S the 19th century novelist junky stereotype I was expecting
gellaho
GIMME THEM LIPS, SIMON
sexdick jakesy
Where there's Hawke, there's real human penis. And that's a fact Jack
gellaho
Don't forget the streetwise, small-breasted ladies
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"I..........well.......fuck. I suppose I wont tell you? I didnt think this through, really."
Velo Martingale
"Then we shoot you in your vulnerable skull."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
ok I hate to say it guys, but is jules verne mission-critical here?
Velo Martingale
No and I've been advocating for his death for months now
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Whatever you do, you absolutely CANNOT write any of this into your fantastic literary creations."
gellaho
Very astute, some might say 800
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hey finn, go ahead and set one of those nuke grenades to exactly jules-verne-size
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Jules Verne goes mad from the revelation that everything he does is predestined and kills himself in a fit of nihilistic malaise
gellaho
The ship is attacked, and Lucas knocks Verne the fuck out
Velo Martingale
"Oh shit I hit him too hard in his vulnerable skull."
FancyShark
As the blood pools in Verne's brain, the heroes run off to do more good deeds
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"I should have remembered the writers weakness, head trauma."
gellaho
And their ship cracks in half
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Naming your ship the Abraham Lincoln is asking for trouble.
Velo Martingale
It's fine to leave an unconcious Verne in the sinking ship. Jules Vernes are naturally boyant
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
What you want is to name your ship the Doctor Doctor Bliss.
gellaho
And now they're all in a lifeboat. Don't ask how Jules Verne is awake, I don't have answers
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
The cold water woke him up, presumably.
Velo Martingale
"Oh... Verne... You're alive. That's... great." Said Lucas, looking for his gun.
FancyShark
Well, we have no food. Better start eating the academics.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
it's ok, whatever you do to him it's just the inciting incident for another fantastic voyage
Velo Martingale
We're going to send him on a fantastic voyage to heaven
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Thats how you get rabbit starvation.
gellaho
And they find Ned singing a very long sea shanty
gellaho
Velo Martingale
No wait, start with the novelists, they're more tender.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"sing something else, ned!"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Really the best guys to eat in a survival situation are the ones that have a fair amount of fat but still do a healthy amount of exercise.
FancyShark
Keep singing so we can find and drown you, Ned
Velo Martingale
Ned refusing to stop singing
gellaho
Finn is just like me reading a Nicole Davidson book
Velo Martingale
"Ned!" [Ned continues to sing] "We've saved you!" [Ned begins a fourth verse]
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
finn channeling me
Velo Martingale
oh i didn't even notice the fourth and fifth verses of the shanty
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Ned, you can stop now. {Ned launches into Maid of Amsterdam}"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
(Ned, 5 hours from now) "the aristocrats!"
gellaho
That's not nearly as tall men long as it should be
gellaho
Fuck off, Lucas
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
talk more about the relative size of things as you get naked, Finn
gellaho
Wakka wakka
sexdick jakesy
Magnifique
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
sacre bleu
gellaho
Real fuckin nerd, this Jules Verne
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Jules, quit hyperfixating. We're trying to solve time crimes here."
FancyShark
Verne is the guy you get stuck talking to at the party when Oscar Wilde is occupied
Velo Martingale
And Oscar is always occupied
gellaho
Dun dun dun
sexdick jakesy
Space colonizers!
Velo Martingale
"His face would have possessed a classic, almost Byronic beauty were it a different face."
sexdick jakesy
A face as beautiful as a less beautiful face
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
didn't we have a villain with a big russian face and a dueling scar last book?
Velo Martingale
Aside from all the other adornments, he only had one.
FancyShark
Same guy
Velo Martingale
But didn't he die in the last book?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh that makes more sense
gellaho
Yeah, Simon decided this needed an overarching villian
FancyShark
He got better
gellaho
In book 4
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Yes but TIME! happened.
Velo Martingale
TIIIIIIME
gellaho
Nah, his dad couldn't kill him
Because he's a pussy
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Which is a great lesson to all of us. Dont father bastard children across time if you arent prepared to also kill them.
gellaho
Is it weird that Simon gave this villain his own name? Best not to think about
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Practice safe sex everyone. Keep your pistol handy.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
there were strict regulations requiring time cops to be sterilised before tapping any past ass, but the guy just didn't do that
gellaho
Get it?
FancyShark
GASP!
Except he already mentioned the existing actual sub
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Goddammit Drakov."
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
this is just like when dr who met shakespeare and his companion kept accidentally making refrences to shakespeare works that didn't exist yet
Velo Martingale
Drakov you scoundrel!
gellaho
I don't like Drakov and his pomposity
Velo Martingale
Possibly compromising one of the novels of all time!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also just like when dr who met agatha christie and his companion kept accidentally making references to agtha christie works that didn't exist yet
Velo Martingale
In two books we find out Fate is a person
gellaho
People always be stealing Simon's ideas
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
also just like when dr who met charles dickens and there were ghosts at christmas
dr who meets a lot of people
Velo Martingale
I clicked the nerd emoji but I want you to know that was a great reference
gellaho
Drakov imprison then under threat of reeducation
gellaho
FancyShark
Does this mean I can re-take Beginner Spanish? I didn't get the best grade
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I definitely remember drakov hated the concept of reeducation
Velo Martingale
Yes but TIME
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
and that his time cop dad refused to kill him twice
so everything here seems to be wrong
gellaho
And here's somebody's blood. Possibly mine, I don't remember
Velo Martingale
Sometimes you have to suffer for art
gellaho
Chapter 5 opens with how stupid Ned is
gellaho
Which makes it a lot like Nancy Drew
Velo Martingale
Ned's so god damn dumb
FancyShark
Finn snaps Ned's neck as a way to explain
gellaho
Finn decides to start telling some jokes
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Look you whale-poking simpleton, this might as well be a spaceship to you primitive mouth-breathers"
FancyShark
Miskatonic? Goddammit, Hawke
Velo Martingale
God damnit
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I don't even know what to say about labial penetration
Velo Martingale
I do! BOOOOO
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I mean... I hope Simon knows you don't penetrate the labia
gellaho
Nothing about Electronic Onanism?
FancyShark
I figured I'd let someone else have a shot
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I got nothing
gellaho
Verne goes into a coma from all this spicy language
gellaho
It's what happens when you enter the labiary
Velo Martingale
Verne made a mess in his pants
gellaho
That's literally a joke one person I know personally would get
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
so they told Land a fake story that he was more likely to believe, but this fake story was so full of double entendres that jules verne had a panic attack?
is that what just happened?
FancyShark
This will inspire Verne's legendary work The Masturbating Computation Machine
GDC's Quivering Thews
I just got here, are we doing a Jules Verne/Lovecraft crossover?
FancyShark
Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !
Velo Martingale
god i wish
gellaho
Mon dieu, beards!?
gellaho
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Soviet military, famously clean shaven.
FancyShark
Simon's disappointed that his own story doesn't have enough titties
gellaho
Lovecraft is only in the Wizard's series. But we will never read The Wizard of Lofecraft's Café for reasons too long to explain here
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
let the men be wenches, simon
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
weirdly racist?
gellaho
No, I dropped that series after the main character got cucked in his own body. It's way more complicated than that, but it's the shortest explanation I can give
Academicians
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh, like Omikron the Nomad Soul
Velo Martingale
God damn it Simon
gellaho
Martingale, a fierce foe
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
a Medici poisoner?
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Some savage Medici shade thrown by Simon.
Velo Martingale
what an oddly fanciful way to describe an itallian
FancyShark
He remedied the situation by getting Martingale fired
gellaho
General Evil von Malevolo
Velo Martingale
Santos is Jules Verne from the future prove me wrong
FancyShark
What about the lats, Simon
Velo Martingale
why the hell did they bring a russian aristocrat on their time caper
gellaho
GDC's Quivering Thews
And why does he look like brockway?
FancyShark
Because he knows the wifi password
Velo Martingale
his experience as a general isn't going to help them at sea
Velo Martingale
Jules Verne also looks like Brockway
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Hahahah Simon made a bootleg Roman von Ungern-Sternberg
gellaho
How incredibly 1985 of you, Simon
Velo Martingale
Simon can only describe Brockway and two different women
FancyShark
For now
gellaho
DON'T BE MEAN TO MY MURDER BOY
FancyShark
"Toshiro selected the default background for his loadout. Be nice to him."
gellaho
Piratical
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Yakuza assassins" lands different after ten or so Yakuza games.
FancyShark
Yeah, now that's like saying "He beat up some poli sci majors in bad suits"
gellaho
Ragout
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"I recommend not getting killed by him. His sword traps the souls of its victims"
FancyShark
Alright everyone. Pork rags out
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
"Oh boy we get to have a Rome lecture, cool. It's not better that you're a time traveller as well."
Velo Martingale
Porking Across Time!
GDC's Quivering Thews
In Verne's time it was common to serve rag stuffed pork
FancyShark
"Are the rags clean?"
"We're at the bottom of the ocean. Of course not."
gellaho
Assaulted by dolphin liver
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Roast beef and potatoes = sumptuous.
gellaho
What about preserved fruit anemone?
Whatever that means
FancyShark
They hit a bump.
"Wait, three hundred dozen eggs"
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Thats fairly sumptuous, i gotta admit.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
when I was a barge I ate three hundred dozen eggs
wait what
gellaho
You know how you measure things by the hundred dozen
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
This sub has to be the size of an aircraft carrier, to hold that many supplies.
gellaho
Should really get into groces at that point
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
And somehow still smells like Russian beet farts.
gellaho
So many tall mens!
FancyShark
Every room is 6' by 6' except for one very overstuffed broom closet
Sixty Knotts?!
gellaho
Simon then talks about x-rays for a while, but never spells it right
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Thanks Simon for answering all my questions, I genuinely do appreciate it. A coward would have handwaved how big the sub was.
Velo Martingale
the - wasn't invented until 1988
no one look that up
FancyShark
Maybe the X is a placeholder?
GDC's Quivering Thews
Simon summarizes the wikipedia entry on x rays
gellaho
You'd never believe this, but Drakov talks about various types of radiation uninterrupted for
Let me check
Four pages
FancyShark
lol
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Choice.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
at one point he accidentally switches to another tab and starts talking about charles xavier
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Simon did his homework and BY GOD it's going into the book.
GDC's Quivering Thews
No one infodumps like Simon.
gellaho
You gotta get that in there
GDC's Quivering Thews
The less relevant to the plot, the longer the dump. That's the Hawke signature.
FancyShark
Simon just wanted to show off how he figured out how to type the little 2 on his typewriter
gellaho
Miss Cross was the unsuccessful sequel to Kriss Kross
FancyShark
A Bastard in His Anger was a Hemingway novel
gellaho
I like Finn
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
can you really smoke this much on a submarine?
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Yes.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
haha good
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Its not GOOD but you CAN do it.
gellaho
More blood
FancyShark
Once
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Then again early subs were such that your air quality was already tainted by sailor farts, spoiled meat, and chlorine gas so some ciggy smoke wasnt going to hurt that much.
Brendan!™
Hi! I'm not staying because I have to go have an advenure. But I'm glad your timekeepers are untainted by paradox.
gellaho
Modicum of Style was the name of my jazz album
FancyShark
Party on, Wayne!
gellaho
Sounds like a advemanure
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Fun sub fact, they used to use lighting a match to guage how much oxygen was in the sub, if the match wouldnt strike it was getting bad.
gellaho
Well, you wanna burn as much of that oxygen away as you can
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that sounds dire
gellaho
Russia seems fun
FancyShark
Russia. It's where misery goes to feel better about itself
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Submariners are weird, before a certain point they were universally regarded as deathtraps for the insane.
gellaho
I mean
Yeah
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Even today you have to be kind of crazy to keep at it.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
that giant machine line is
what's the opposite of chef's kiss
gellaho
At least space is fun and exciting to people, nobody wants to be "unda da sea"
Not even mermaids!
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
The really funny part is that this sub is Soviet made.
gellaho
Sasha seems fun
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Soviet Union had its strengths but sub manufacture was not one of them.
FancyShark
Simon needs to cool down after all that lecturing
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Or just boats in general.
gellaho
Sasha really wants to fuck Shiro's sister
FancyShark
"I hope she, too, is small enough to ride on my arm"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
you wonder if that teen assassin drew his naked sister on you?
gellaho
Pirate time
FancyShark
He's from Japan. It could have been much worse
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
HAhahaha yeah of course the child murderer is adept at irezumi style tattooing.
Velo Martingale
I think it's time we shoot Verne in the skull and then jettison Shiro into the sea
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh yeah jules verne hasn't done much lately
Velo Martingale
it would be an amazing twist if he just died off screen
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
he took a nap in a torpedo tube and we fired him at a battleship
gellaho
Listen, Verne, you write books. You're not going to understand atomic power
FancyShark
"I could use this to power my fireplace!"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
do the time cops care at all that they are absolutely fucking jules verne's chronology?
is this a problem?
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Jules Verne would still be trying to wrap his mind around the idea that interplanetary space is not filled with an aetheric gas.
gellaho
Actually good sci-fi writers can't understand science. Writers who understand science can't write well.
I don't make the rules
gellaho
They can wipe his brain, it's fine
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh yeah I forgot they had that
Flippant Sausage, rebunned
Thats what the hammers are for.
gellaho
Hey, guess what?
Velo Martingale
Oh no
No
That's too nerdy, no
gellaho
Don't read the whole thing, but here's the armada!
FancyShark
And they named that land Fraggle Rock
Velo Martingale
Oh no I think he's going even nerdier
gellaho
Men-of-war are Portuguese, but let's ignore that
