112: Tom Swift and His Megascope Space Prober Victor Appleton II

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 112 - The New TOM SWIFT Jr. Adventures: TOM SWIFT and His Megascope Space Prober

In what will be the oldest book ever caged, we meet Tom Swift Jr. written by Victor Appleton II. That's right, the Tom Swift IP was old enough in 1962 to not only have adventures featuring his son, but also for the ghostwriter to be a Jr. themselves. Featuring: stolen helium air mining technology, trips to venus, a literal chuckwagon cowboy, giant balloons, and The Challenger. Be sure to get probed, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

Coming up in a little under an hour, it's The New TOM SWIFT Jr. Adventures: TOM SWIFT and His Megascope Space Prober. Here is your overly detailed preview.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"Offered the opportunity to participate in a manned government space probe to Venus" is usually a sign that you pissed off the wrong people at the CIA.

FancyShark

This sounds like four different episodes being crammed into one

Velo Martingale

(The traitor is Bud, Tom. You have to kill Bud.)

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Someone has been stealing my ideas. Only a Swift experiment could fuck up that badly."

FancyShark

Tony Stark really is just Tom Swift with cool armor

FancyShark

BOOOOOOOKS!

Velo Martingale

BOOKS!

gellaho

Time to begin the process

Velo Martingale

Hi @FancyShark !

gellaho

Tom Swift Jr by Victor Appleton Jr

FancyShark

:sharkwave:

Hi, @Velo Martingale ! Hi, @gellaho !

Velo Martingale

Fuck! Yes! We're! Going! To! Space!

HI @gellaho !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow, what a spectacular probe that young Tom has

GDC's Quivering Thews

Probe! That! Space!

FancyShark

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Hi, @GDC's Quivering Thews !

gellaho

Velo Martingale

SPACE

FancyShark

Norman Rockwell's Space period

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so when was this published?

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Haha fuck off with this full inside cover spread.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I need to set my bigotry expectations

FancyShark

Hi, @Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』) !

gellaho

Cuba seems to be in the wrong place, so I think you have bigger problems

FancyShark

Florida grew three sizes that day

Velo Martingale

ah, pre satelite SPACE

gellaho

At a time when this qualified as a copyright page

Velo Martingale

Oh shit i'm right

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

nice

FancyShark

Good old honor system. Nothing beats it.

Velo Martingale

Just a page that says "Don't"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Helmsman, set bigotry to Yes. Ahead, warp 7."

gellaho

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Oh double fuck off with this already

Velo Martingale

Everyone go ahead and think of some fun 1962 jokes to use later

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"nipping a plot" and "the flying igloo" are promising

FancyShark

Ray-Gun Sniper was my techno protest band

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

If your average chapter length is 10 pages you do NOT need this many chapters

Velo Martingale

Hard disagree, Badger. This needs more chapters.

FancyShark

It's not how long the chapter is. It's what you do with it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

although I've played persona 5 so phantom thieves are awesome

gellaho

This was a time when they weren't as concerned with saving every penny they could when publishing

Not my magic helium generator!

FancyShark

Oh no! Our balloons!

Velo Martingale

FUCK

How are we going to get into space without the balloons?!

GDC's Quivering Thews

Quick, someone look up the helium content of air

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Love when an author is confident enough in their prose to make most paragraphs around two sentences max

gellaho

It's always the French

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

(gasp) it's already been stolen!

FancyShark

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Hahaha this stupid fuck didn't think to go down to the patent office?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

curse you, Jacques Gaspard!

that man has a name for cursing

gellaho

Amber waves of helium

Velo Martingale

Life is good, you're sitting there thinking about how the United States began an embargo against Cuba in February, when your chum bursts in with bad news! Typical 1962

FancyShark

I think 0.0005% means, like, Delaware

Velo Martingale

That would explain Delaware

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh shit is Tom going to destroy the French helium industry for America?!

gellaho

He got the word out fast if he did steal it, then

FancyShark

Be thankful they stole the machine, Tom. Belgium was preparing to hold the Lollipop Guild hostage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

check what, Tom? Check if it's any good before you claim credit?

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Gee if competition is so great for the free market how come these inventor types always get mad when there's competition

FancyShark

Check if Gaspard crossed out "Tom Swift" on the "did you invent this?" line of the title

gellaho

It's too bad Rick's not Tom's friend in this one

Velo Martingale

There is no Rick, only Bud.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom goes full Edison on Gaspard and gasses an elephant to prove Gaspards machine is bad.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I get the feeling it's like Doctor Who, after awhile the friends become pretty interchangeable

GDC's Quivering Thews

It's the same guy, his full name is Budderick

gellaho

That is quite a coincidence

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They wouldnt invent Ricks until 1975

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

If you're not going to the fucking patent office nobody knows you're an inventor you dumb fuck.

gellaho

Harlan back when he was young and spry and not an ancient husk

Velo Martingale

Bud, short for Budgetaire?! Quick Tom, stab him in his secretly French throat!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha big move to steal an invention from your universe's tony stark and then snub him on the invite as well

FancyShark

Damn that French subterfuge

Velo Martingale

Harlan? Short for Harlan (pronounced Frenchly) ?!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"AH HON HON HON, ZE TOMAS SWIFTÉ, E AS BUILT ZIS IN ZE CAVE WITH ZE BOX OF ZCRAPS"

gellaho

Good to know about their various llcs

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gaspard likely forgot to invite them while having sex with his mistress and smoking.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why do I feel like "Uncle Ned" is racially charged somehow

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Swift Construction has ironically been running miserably slowly ever since Uncle Ned took over.

gellaho

Cablegram?

FancyShark

"Uncle Ned" is the only known alias of the most dangerous terrorist the world has ever seen

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Geordi, get down to Engineering. The Racism Detectors might be a little oversensitive

FancyShark

People used to send cables to each other. The 1960s were weird.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its like a telegram but legally distinct so Tom Swift gets a nickel for every message sent.

Velo Martingale

Is this one of the Tom Swifts from like 1910 and they just updated a few words?

GDC's Quivering Thews

Uncle Ned mostly uses the business to launder money

gellaho

Bud decides to make up some credentials

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Uncle Ned is also secretly the Hobgoblin.

GDC's Quivering Thews

I feel like that's missing a 'stop."

Velo Martingale

God damn it Bud do you know how expensive it is to telegraph a "-"?

FancyShark

"Haha, you know you never graduated fourth grade, Bud"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Barclay, President

you're the best there ever was, Bud

gellaho

Damn you, France!

FancyShark

When World War One happens, you are getting so ignored for a few years, France!

Velo Martingale

Bud's flame war with the French continues to this day

gellaho

A Frenchman who doesn't like Americans? How unusual

FancyShark

WWI was in the 1970s, right?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Hon hon hon, leev ze phone on ze 'ook, while I eat zis cheese from ze breasts of mah mistress! Hon hon hon!"

Velo Martingale

Sacrefuckingbleu!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Hello, France. My name is Bud and I'm the President of Ice Sciences here in America - hello? Hello?!"

Velo Martingale

Quelle motherfucking surprise!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean "American" technically includes Canada, and Quebec basically stole the French language so its not like they dont have a reason.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Candy gram for Mongo!

gellaho

This ghostwriter decides to call a previous ghostwriter's work completely pointless

FancyShark

Gauntlet Status: Thrown

Velo Martingale

Ghost Writer Flame War

An unknown number of people shit t alking each other in books over the course of a decade

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Okay but he has a point, deep sea mining is hella inconvenient.

FancyShark

Well, if it's -273 degrees, that's not actually zero, now is it, asshole?

Velo Martingale

I would read that. I would collect that.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

when you think about it, most problems in life come down to a lack of sufficient helium

gellaho

Well, that does seem like a problem

gellaho

Velo Martingale

What the fuck was your register made of?! Meat?!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hes French, hes used to things around him blowing up.

gellaho

um, ugh, I think you'll find it actually is in Kelvin

FancyShark

"I made it run on blood and meat. I didn't see a problem with it until the ninth intern was dragged into it."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well to be fair that is a real thing, -273 celsius is 0 kelvin

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

It's like how cartographers put fake towns on their maps so nobody could copy them without getting caught, only in this case the copycat dies in an explosion.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Curious is the trapmaker's art.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh I got scooped

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Kelvin is a deeply nerdish name.

Velo Martingale

Kelvin?! Sounds French. Tom! Stab!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Suited for being a unit of scientific measurement.

FancyShark

Kelvin is the Torston of measurements

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I like that the definition of "excited" has drifted just enough to make Tom sound like a fucking psychopath'

gellaho

Don't like the use of vivacious for a number of reasons

FancyShark

"His nubile, lascivious, alluring-"

"I'm calling the cops."

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Ghostwriter going out of his way to note that she's not technically legal yet also has me worried.

gellaho

His favorite date? How many does he have?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Theyre going to watch a man smoke 40 cigarettes in a row in real time to sad balalaika music.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh, the 60s

nowadays of course watching tv at 1am is depression

FancyShark

My favorite date is April 30th, because I get cake

gellaho

Satellite TV, could you even imagine

FancyShark

OUTPOST! IN! SPAAAAAAAACE!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mine is June 9th because if you render it numerically its 6/9.

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'm glad we don't need to go to space to charge batteries anymore

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

But he didn't declare it as a business venture it so he made no money off of it. In fact he's technically the world's biggest pirate broadcaster.

Velo Martingale

SPACE

gellaho

This does seem like riveting television

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Meanwhile the Soviets have been charging their batteries from Martian coal.

gellaho

Watching a tank fill up with an invisible gas? Where can I sign up!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Gaspard watched the dials like a fat piece of shit

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its the 60s so this is riveting television.

gellaho

Then everyone died

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sandra is going to start whining she wants to watch Hee Haw and Green Hornet.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Literally textbook execution as far as setup/payoff goes

gellaho

Velo Martingale

I want to watch Hee Haw and Green Hornet too

Fuck yes illustration of everyone dying!

FancyShark

The body count makes the Hindenburg look like a car accident

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gaspard had apparently never tested the machine before.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Helium, that famously combustible gas

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha look at that smug bastard crying on tv just because all his friends exploded

gellaho

Yeah, I bet this will be a great story

Velo Martingale

The French didn't know what Helium was until they stole it from American Hero Tom Swift Jr.

GDC's Quivering Thews

His moustache is even more ragged now

gellaho

Oh, wait I've read the first fifty pages and this never comes up again

FancyShark

It was horrifying, but since everyone had squeaky voices, there was a bit of levity to take the sting out

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahaha Tom are you and your dad still focused on the patent violation?!

GDC's Quivering Thews

Carbon monoxide elimination is probably more useful than helium collection, honestly

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Bud picked up a pad and wrote a cablegram to Gaspard. It read:

HA HA ALL YOUR FRIENDS DIED FROM YOUR STOLEN MACHINE YOU FAT FUCKING FROG. FUCK YOU. STRONG LETTER TO FOLLOW.

gellaho

Because the literal next thing to happen is Tom driving into a ditch

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Smash cut to credits.

Velo Martingale

Ditches! Tom's natural enemy!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you needed to take two cars, boys?

FancyShark

ADDENDUM: IT WAS YOUR FAULT. HA HA HA. YOU KILLED THEM. HA HA HA. ADDITIONAL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW.

GDC's Quivering Thews

This being before seatbelts existed, tom is launched face first through the windshield

gellaho

Who is saying this, the narrator?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they exist, he just objects to being forced by this ridiculous nanny state (brain crushed)

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Ray Gun Sniper is Ray Gun Kid's evolved form, but you have to feed him a moonstone first.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell yeah, Ray gun sniper!

FancyShark

I hope every chapter opens like the start of an old movie serial

gellaho

Tom flies out of the car but remains unhurt

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

old timey dramatic piano music

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I've never tried to picture someone kneeling in a frenzy, but it's not going well

FancyShark

Tom's spine is an additional twenty yards away

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom needs a new brain but its fine.

Velo Martingale

Tom has a massive undiagonosed concussion for the rest of the book

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Fortunately tom had quaffed a fizzy lifting drink before getting behind the wheel

gellaho

Off to sick bay

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It was the 60s so drunk driving was considered ok

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so some sneaky fucker has a car crash ray?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Doc Simpson has just the worst case of jaundice youve ever seen but hes a dab hand with a needle.

gellaho

This precedes Star Trek by five years, so this is weird

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Aaand it's inmediately a Spider Woman plot.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Dr. Simpson is still sick of Tom's shit from the last time he was here

Velo Martingale

Oh that Dr. Simpson with his comic dismay and his phd and his third characteristic

FancyShark

It's important that, after a crash, you go to a private physician instead of the ER

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is the invisible hand of the free market at work

gellaho

Very bizarre that everyone calls him the skipper

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And let the Soviets win?!

Velo Martingale

Don't get poor in the wounds

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if other people want their own personal physicians they should have been fathered by a billionaire industrialist

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Swift Enterprises is some Sea Corps shit for sure

FancyShark

Alan Hale weeps

gellaho

Tom arrives at the only logical conclusion

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"No, i mean if he blacked out it might mean he has brain trauma, not that he might not be smart anymore, you fuckhead."

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Oh my god car crash ray.

GDC's Quivering Thews

If he wasn't prone to blackouts before, he definitely is now

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Tom is so smart that even if half his brain was asleep, he's still four times more awake than you, you idiot mechanuc

FancyShark

That right, Tom! It was a ray! Your brain is so good and unaffected by that trauma!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I was at least half joking when I saod car crash ray

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"You spotted someone monkeying with my car and didnt think it was odd enough to tell me BEFORE I got behind the wheel?"

Velo Martingale

Dr. Simpson suggest putting Tom down for his own good

gellaho

No he saw someone running away after the crash

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Doc Simpson is technically a horse doctor.

gellaho

No mention of any ray gun though

FancyShark

Really rough clothes. Like sandpaper and gravel.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Thin, rough clothes, dark haired. Great description, we'll put out an APB for Hobo Vincent Price.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"why would anyone run away from an out-of-control car? Highly suspicious"

gellaho

Clearly the only way a tree could get burned

FancyShark

"I just couldn't take another moment of that annoying rapsssscallion"

Velo Martingale

Only a Frenchman would do that, from cowardice

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I dont think that's how electromagnets work, but I dont know for sure, book.

GDC's Quivering Thews

this ray works a lot differently on trees than it does on cars

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so I'm guessing Swift Enterprises have made some generous contributions to the police budget lately?

GDC's Quivering Thews

it freezes car steering but burns trees

FancyShark

That's right, Tom. Freeze ray. Just keep ignoring that sticker saying you should have gotten the car serviced last year

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Why not just.........shoot him in the face with a regular gun? What a clumsy assassin.

Velo Martingale

Youve clearly never met The French

gellaho

What's fascinating to me is how this book from 1962 is less out of date than that Hardy Boys book from 1980 where everybody talked like it waas the 1930s

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Huh, now that you mention it yeah this could easily be a lost script for like Green Hornet.

People in the 60s were sure electromagnetism was magic.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

imagine getting called out to a rich boy fender bender and he tries to explain to you that a bystander must have used a ray gun to freeze his steering

gellaho

But, nevermind the broken car or the exploded Frenchman, it's space telescope time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and he doesn't even NEED this excuse because no one's hurt

Velo Martingale

conccussion in SPACE!!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

HELL YEAH ITS TIME FOR SOME STARGAZING ACTION!

FancyShark

"We might be able to see as far as Mars!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what is a greek puzzle

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

How to convince someone to let you do anal.

FancyShark

It's like a normal puzzle but it's covered in olive oil and has a minotaur

GDC's Quivering Thews

It's a puzzle with olives and feta cheese on it

gellaho

I mean, yeah, sure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

all good answers guys

Velo Martingale

It's a puzzle from a country in the mediterranean

FancyShark

I think that's how normal space telescopes worked

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

This one has a big "Swift Enterprises" sticker on it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah I think Tom is "inventing" from the headlines on this one

gellaho

Maybe think a little more

FancyShark

Tom's not in marketing

Velo Martingale

Maybe call it The Mighty Eye

GDC's Quivering Thews

Mighty Eye is way better

Velo Martingale

In honor of your dead friend, Bud

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sounds like a Judas Priest tribute band if you call it Mighty Eye.

gellaho

But nevermind that, time to go to Venus

GDC's Quivering Thews

back in 1962 NASA wasn't a commonly known acronym

FancyShark

I'm all for sending them to Venus

Velo Martingale

Oh I think Tom died

These are the last neurons firing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so far none of these things have connected to other things