112: Tom Swift and His Megascope Space Prober Victor Appleton II

gellaho

OK, but what's his real name

gellaho

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"They told me it would take almost thirty years to reach Venus at current technology, Tom! Thirty years! And that's if their slide rules are right!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh shit a Navy Lieutenant, Bud made the right call.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Bud is Air Force ride or die

FancyShark

Chippy is a squirrel

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nothing worse than a Navy officer.

And the Lieutenant is the worst kind of officer.

gellaho

I feel like these names could use a couple of revisions

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so Bud didn't know how the ship worked

GDC's Quivering Thews

Also he's a teenager

FancyShark

And he quit because he thought they were laughing at him

gellaho

Buzz your Venus log

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck you Bud, you are making me consider siding with a Navy officer!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"I know you can take it in a tight spot", huh

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha Tom Knows Bud can take it in a tight spot

gellaho

Latest brain children

FancyShark

"When you put it that way-no!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

you know what they say, men are from mars, bud had anal sex on venus

Velo Martingale

"and I know you can take it in a tight spot" says Tom, suggesting I've been planning this joke all along

gellaho

"You really do suck at naming things, Tom. That always cheers me up"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Bud gets paid to laugh

Velo Martingale

That's a bad joke... But he laughed... I think Tom might be... High on helium

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

optimistic to assume the helium will matter at all

gellaho

Time to freeze to death

FancyShark

"Good humor" in this context is ice cream

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well fuck you book

gellaho

FancyShark

Stop using that word, book

Velo Martingale

Oh shit Bud's dead

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why do the young always die so good

Velo Martingale

The French are immune to helium freezes

He was innocent all along!

gellaho

Things go up = braking the laws of gravity

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"stop it you're killing me" Bud said through the frost buildup on his lips

FancyShark

If you broke the law of gravity, Tom, you wouldn't need the rockets to make you keep going up

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom that's not how that works.

gellaho

I feel like every one of these terms is used incorrectly

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"at last! an object in motion stays at rest! Wait my eyes are bleeding!"

Velo Martingale

It is not the only substance in the world that can spill upward all by itself.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

I'm beginning to think there were some very good reasons Tom didn't get an invite to the Gaspard exhibition back in the beginning.

gellaho

This is the correct punishment for puns

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ghostwriter that is not how any of this would work.

FancyShark

Tom, you idiot. You invented mercury

Velo Martingale

What just because Tom would've accidentally gassed everyone to death?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

fuck you that was an episode of winnie the pooh

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Stop fucking explaining shit.

GDC's Quivering Thews

This ghost writer learned science from ed wood movies

Velo Martingale

"AHA! What fun we're having!" Said Tom as the writer proceeded to describe the fun they were having, because there was a wordcount on this book, damn it.

gellaho

Later, Tom Swift (having learned nothing) goes for some night driving

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

60s children must have been so boring if this is the kind of thing they loved to read.

No wonder so many of them did drugs.

Velo Martingale

OH NO A DROWNING RAY

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

AND A TRUCK RAY! MY OPPONENTS ARE WISE IN THE WAYS OF SCIENCE

Velo Martingale

Damn you, The French!

FancyShark

Wait, did it plow to a stop or stop inches behind the car?

gellaho

Luckily his security chief and the police were already there

Velo Martingale

Suck helium in hell, Gaspard !

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom Swift needs some kind of defensive weapon, maybe some kind of longarm powered by..........i dunno, electricity?

Velo Martingale

Oh thank god, I was worried something might happen

gellaho

I wonder who this is

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I get the feeling Sergeant Camp has fun

FancyShark

Sergeant Camp is very silly

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and his clothes are anything but plain

gellaho

They made some real small ray guns in the 1960s

Velo Martingale

"Hey there, coppers." He said, "What's the big idea here?" he continued because it was 1962

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

hahahahha he gets made fun of for having a ray gun for women.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok Sergeant, but like, you can't give evidence to Tom Swift. You know that was wrong, don't you?

FancyShark

"Nice lighter. Could change the face of warfare as we know it. Mind if I try it?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

'He insists its cool, like James Bond.

Velo Martingale

Hah you little French bitch with your little French ray gun.

gellaho

Bold strategy claiming you've never seen a thing you were carrying

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The CIA tries to use this ray gun to assassinate Castro.

FancyShark

"You're right, sir. This clearly couldn't do any damage. To prove it, we'll jam it up your urethra."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

And Tom... tell us at headquarters? you don't own the police

someone stop this

Velo Martingale

TOM IS THE LAW

gellaho

Always getting hauled in by dicks

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Really its actually just a cigarette case but Tom is both rich and delusional, so the cops are going to just hold this guy and when Tom stops paying attention let him go.

FancyShark

If your dick can stop someone on the road, then well done

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

ahem

FancyShark

Sorry

"Dick or lady dick"

gellaho

Tom is very excited that his electronic key doesn't work

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also this is America in the 60s, im pretty sure you could carry some gnarly ass guns for "protection" back then.

FancyShark

Electronic Key because Sonic Screwdriver is copyrighted

gellaho

OK, but what's his actual name

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I hate when my room key doesnt work and I have to go back down to the front desk to get help.

gellaho

Predates even that

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Olde timey swipe card

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

hahahahahahha "Tunbridge" is the first name of a fuckin satyr, fuck you, book.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"locksmiths! you can learn all about their ways in a month, yet in a hundred years they can still surprise you"

GDC's Quivering Thews

Tunbridge is something you're the Earl of, it's not a first name.

FancyShark

Action Jackson's dweeby cousin

Velo Martingale

Tom stop marking your room

Feral little monster

gellaho

Tom notices microscopic markings in the locks. Before noticing that shit in his lab has broken

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Open Door Jack is Springheel Jack's much lazier accomplice.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

after 5 or 6 minutes, the world smartest genius realised his place had been tossed

gellaho

"Did somebody try to steal my bong?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

look at that fine crew-cut

Velo Martingale

I didn't know Tom was in the ROTC

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

no hippies here

an upstanding young gentleman

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Oh noooooooo, dude! The burglars broke Ghengis Bong AND Vlad the Inhaler!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we sent a note to get him out of the draft of course

gellaho

Presently Open Door Jack

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Huh, am I only 9 chapters late?

I have no sense of time

Velo Martingale

It's impossible to tell

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Dont worry, nothing happened.

Velo Martingale

Time is nebulous

GDC's Quivering Thews

When he's killed he'll be Formerly Open Door Jack

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

show some respect. His name is Tremulous jackson or something

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sometimes when God closes a Door Jack he Opens a Window Steve.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Currently Still Breathing Jack"

"Wait, what?"

gellaho

Chow brings Tom some helium to eat

FancyShark

Hell yes on the new title, @Velo Martingale

Also, hi, @Rachel E. O. Speedwagon ! Hi, @PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart !

gellaho

Sure, sure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah I'm sure the delivery person doesn't need their hand truck back, Tom

Velo Martingale

God damn it I just changed my name

And now this gold gets dropped

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Chow is a real gem.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Twist my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's like Chief Ronnie Cox in Cop Rock.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Okay im in, i just need to wash off and consume this capsule that i found on the floor and am 60% sure is THC

gellaho

Turns out Chow just really wanted to show off his fancy shirt

Velo Martingale

Heck yeah Chow

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its probably fine, and if its not its small enough it probably wont harm you that much.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Glam Chow

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I'm a classy lady

FancyShark

I thought haberdashery meant hats?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I keep thinking Chow is gonna be the character whose innocent comment sparks an epiphany in Tom's genius brain, but maybe the book is just stupid?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And accessories,

Mens clothing in general.

FancyShark

TIL

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And sequins are a great addition to any loud shirt.

gellaho

Anyway, Bud shows up to tell Tom that now the Swedes are stealing from him

FancyShark

The damned swedes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"the fact that my lab was broken into only makes this coincidence even stranger"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom never stops to consider that tight beam radio is maybe something people have been working on for a decade.

gellaho

And then the lab explodes

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"That's normal"

gellaho

They're fine

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Toms lab is barely affected structurally. It needs sweeping and new furniture but thats it.

gellaho

Kind of them to warn them about the assassination

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Well thanks for that, kitty.

gellaho

Those chemicals are probably safe

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If only they had some kind of device that could make a ringing sound to let people know you wanted to talk to them, and you could pick it up and have a conversation.

FancyShark

Madness

gellaho

Tom "It's Probably Nothing" Swift

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the only ringing these guys have created is the now-constant ringing in Tom's ears

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It takes 80s and 90s Tom way less time to suspect industrial espionage.

FancyShark

At a certain point, Tom, you're not allowed to be surprised when the shit you think isn't a problem explodes

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

"It's possible I did this. I'm extremely negligent."

gellaho

Probably best to not blindly trust unlabeled chemicals based on what color the container is

gellaho

Especially when given to you by a 1860s cowboy

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Good thing no other chemicals can be represented by H2

GDC's Quivering Thews

Nice of them to write down the crime they're doing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

For sale: Hydrogen. Never exploded. - T.S

gellaho

Just some casual R&R on the Moon

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck off book.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this book is really wearing out its fucking wlecome

FancyShark

"One-G System" sounds like code for being alone

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Stop wasting my time with casual moon trips.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

No matter the ghostwriter, Tom Swift is master of the humblebrag

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

do something you cretins

gellaho

Not Eliot's best poem

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha I like that we all turned on it at exactly the same moment

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Casual trips to the Moon make up for all the techno-babble

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Hey I'm out of cheddar, you guys want to join me on a quick trip to the moon, or...?

Velo Martingale

I left and got dinner. Has anything happened?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

see now you've reminded me of a sci fi adventure that was whimsical and fun and this book is even more annoying by comparison

gellaho

Fearing Island seems safe

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Good lord no

FancyShark

Moon journeys have been considered

gellaho

If you ignore the fifteen explosions

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Don't worry Gellaho, Fearing Island is just a name.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

By Tom swift standards explosions are just background noise

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Tom continues to be terrible at naming things

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

It's actually a peninsula filled with your worst fears.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The Shopton Look is way less bad than the Innsmouth look but just as concerning for the implications.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The Swifts have turned it into a bond villain base

Velo Martingale

They blew up the kitchen and nothing happened

gellaho

Sure, what?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

uh oh

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

The-the what?

Velo Martingale

Oh good I came back just in time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh no no no no no

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Slim Davis stenciled an orange housecat onto the rocket named Marfield.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Don't worry I'm sure nothing will go wrong with uh... the launch of the spaceship Challenger.

gellaho

Feels like you're facing the wrong way if you're flying to the moon

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Well at least the ghost writer understood you dont need things to be aerodynamic in space.

FancyShark

"Hi, Slim? We're firing you into outer space tomorrow. Make sure to get here early."

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Oh god, the one time a Tom swift explosion is called for.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The illustrator didn't read the book, did he?

Velo Martingale

Absolutely not

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Moon, Earth, Rocket, Tom, checked all the boxes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm so annoyed

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair, if you dont put the Earth there all you have is a picture of the landscape of the American southwest.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

give me a fucking plot

Velo Martingale

No

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they're just joyriding

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

What a picture perfect rendering of north america

Velo Martingale

The French

gellaho

Heavenly Body on the Loose is the name of my dance album

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

THE FRENCH ARE STEALING THE MOON

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Par fromage!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Goddam 60s Tom, you have so many enemies that you cant even take a trip to the fuckin moon with no trouble.

FancyShark

It passed one test. Let's make it the standard for all of our rockets.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Oh hey just like the real Challenger

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

If it's good enough for the Challenger it's good enough for any shuttle.

gellaho

The Mare Imbrium

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Fucker didn't even use his turn signals.

FancyShark

AKA The Drunk Horse

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

quick question, can anyone explain what the danger is

gellaho

Well, that was fun. Back to Earth

Velo Martingale

This book is a prank

gellaho

Getting hit by a meteor

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

It was the 60's if it wasn't blaring the National Anthe it was Commies

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I guess it's not that unlikely for a random meteor to shoot directly at them. After all, space is famously small and full of matter.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh there it is. The book made me so angry I skimmed that paragraph I guess

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Misread "Whirling Duck" as "Whirling Dick"

gellaho

I don't know what you are talking about

FancyShark

lol, fuck you, book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

meanwhile several of the crew have developed ptsd

Velo Martingale

This motherfucker told us about dinner

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its nice he has a good relationship with his sister tho.

Velo Martingale

and it was hearty roast beef

We all know that now

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I want to know moe about that mystery novel

Velo Martingale

We can't not know that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

tightly plotted? I bet it was tightly plotted

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I hope it was a Sam Spade novel.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I bet every major event in the story was relevant to the outcome

FancyShark

Definitely taunting us with the "finished a mystery novel" suggestion

Velo Martingale

Damn it Tom stop or they'll just insert the whole novel

gellaho

I bet Chow was very helpful in rebuilding the delicate scientific equipment

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

What's that? You all want to know more about Tom's diet?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

At the very least one of those where the author is from the "If you get stuck, have someone come thru the door with a gun in their hand" school of writing.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh almost like the explosion never happened at all

cool

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

A gun or, ideally, a giant robot

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Chow is a dab hand with a broom.

gellaho

The next night, somebody's right back to steal some shit

Velo Martingale

I love you Chow

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

I'm enjoying this book, I miss the days when I didn't know it took a decade to design a single rocket part

Velo Martingale

God damn it, The French!

Tom's buying a gun

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Toms INVENTING a gun, right now.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it never said he put on pajamas or anything so Tom is canonically nude for the rest of this scene

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

But it won't be shaped like a normal gun!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh all this excitement all of a sudden made me a tad dizzy.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Until the illustrator gets to it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also Tom is still surprised that someone is stealing his shit

pay attention you fucking idiot

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It will definitely have a little fin on the barrel.

gellaho

"I'll shoot motion pictures," fantastic. 10/10, ghostwriter

Velo Martingale

He's going to be shocked when it's Chow

FancyShark

Or you could shoot the intruder

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

shoot motion pictures of yourself shooting the intruder!

Velo Martingale

Chow's been talking with a cajun accent this whole time, which was actually French, but the author lacks the talent to convey that

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Of course! Shoot him! With my infrared camera!