112: Tom Swift and His Megascope Space Prober Victor Appleton II

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom, stop pretending you saw Predator, youre 20 years too early.

gellaho

Tom really wants to nail this guy

FancyShark

No! Dammit, Tom!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Nail him hard and fast and sweet Tom.

gellaho

The illustrator decides to draw Tom missing

FancyShark

Nail him before you end up pulling another boner, Tom

Velo Martingale

after all that

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Lmao the illustrator fucking hates his job huh

Velo Martingale

eat shit, Illustrated Tom

FancyShark

Tom "Royce Gracie" Swift

Velo Martingale

the illustrator and this book are having a fight on every page

gellaho

They beat each other off

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Time to invent the Swift Scoot!"

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

the slam dunk evidence Tom is recording is him losing a fight

rather conclusively, at that

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess this was before anime inspired a generation of american schoolchildren to learn how to draw

FancyShark

"And here, Your Honor, is the intruder beating me off"

gellaho

Et tu, Turnbridge!?

Velo Martingale

NO

FancyShark

OPEN DOOR JACK?! HOW DID YOU GET IN?!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

I mean

Velo Martingale

JACK?! SHORT FOR JACQUES?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"...oh. Right."

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

You call him Open Door Jack, like

that's just asking for it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Book, you should have introduced Jack sooner.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Don't open a door in space, Tun Tun, you'll kill us all!

gellaho

Uh, oh, Turnbridge got in the pcp

gellaho

Velo Martingale

Stab him in the Jacques!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh no he swallowed a helium pill

FancyShark

Open Door Jack is Judge Doom

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Okay you have to be high or something to associate Tom with "sly trickery"

gellaho

That's how first names work

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Good news on my mystery pill

FancyShark

Wait. So Jack is Gaspard's mother?

Velo Martingale

So about that mystery novel

GDC's Quivering Thews

We checked sir, no one was wearing a beret or carrying a baguette.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Every Tom is related"

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

The reason he betrayed tom was because his mom was named Tunbridge?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and the baby who got swapped on the boat was dumbledore's secret brother

Velo Martingale

"We've searched this entire company for Frenchmen and we've fired them all."

"Turns out it wasn't them. Crazy, right?"

FancyShark

"Sir, that's wildly illegal. But it IS 1962."

gellaho

And what luck, the Swedes who may have stolen the other thing have invited them over

Velo Martingale

GOD DAMN SWEDES

The Mountain French, as I've always called them

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait check if any of our enemies have any relatives named furster

FancyShark

Damnable Swedes with their high cheekbones and snow

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Why that's the name of Gaspard's father!!

Velo Martingale

Toblerone motherfuckers

gellaho

Furster contains the features of all animals

FancyShark

lol

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Djonin is evolving

FancyShark

Furster is the result of so many teleporter accidents

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

An office in a midtown skyscraper with no furnishings and only one person? This is the most obvious scam.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's possible he's an animorph

animorphs is so much better than this you guys

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Throwing one to the illustrator

gellaho

Certainly not something a supervillain might build

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I was wondering when we'd get to the igloo

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Uh oh, there better not be in any matter energy eggs

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

look niches!

FancyShark

"No one will ever notice an igloo out here in California!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if I remember from the chapter titles, this igloo has a few surprises in store for our erstwhile heroes

gellaho

Bruggin

FancyShark

Bruggers be bruggin

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Attorneys at Law

Velo Martingale

Hi Howard

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Dont be racist

gellaho

Who couldst have foreseen!?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

quick check if any of our enemies are related to anyone named... oh this is unsustainable isn't it

Velo Martingale

No it's not, keep firing until we're spy free!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Furster this is a terrible plan to get new products.

FancyShark

Humblebrug was right there, too!

Velo Martingale

God damn it you Swedish bastard!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

That's the name of Gaspard's wife!!!

GDC's Quivering Thews

Furster was part of operation paperclip, this is how he rolls.

gellaho

Rock solid alibi

Velo Martingale

It's like my grandpa always said 'never trust a Swede not to pull a gun on you in an igloo during a business meeting.'

FancyShark

Swift: the first person to be disappointed someone isn't showing a radio

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"but... we told our security chief that you did though"

Velo Martingale

I don't know Tom. It might be a new kind of radio. Go talk into it.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"and phoning from an anonymous number shows malice of forethought"

gellaho

So, are you going to keep them at gunpoint for the several hours this is going to take?

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

It's the 60's nothing better to do

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"or else there'll be trouble"

"lots of trouble"

Velo Martingale

"Shooting your son in front of you kind of trouble."

Velo Martingale

"Tom stop talking into that gun."

FancyShark

R&D was much more exciting in the 60s

gellaho

The most secure substance: thin aluminum

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well yeah they have to kill you, their plan is terrible

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Only slightly fatal, though

Velo Martingale

"And if doesn't work... ... ... ... ... ... ... Well then I guess they'll keep trying until it does. And then we murder."

FancyShark

"Don't worry, Dad. I sent a signal for help."

Suddenly, the moon crashes through the ceiling, holding a gun

gellaho

Durabuoy

Velo Martingale

The moon is going to help us!

FancyShark

It's no nysteel

gellaho

Well, that'll be easy enough to get rid of

FancyShark

"Bolted down like a total asshole."

Velo Martingale

wh... why is it anchored at all?

gellaho

Glad to know they're still getting naps

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so they're gonna make helium foam and float away on a solid cloud

that's kinda fun I guess

they'll die, but... fun

Velo Martingale

No

That would be too much happening for this book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha stop no and-ing me velo

something has to happen eventually

Velo Martingale

They're going to just leave

gellaho

Good thing nobody can hear this inflating

Velo Martingale

Mr Swift is going to casually choke the Swiss to death first

And then they'll just leave

gellaho

Wheeeeee

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"Draw this, asshole"

gellaho

Ok

Velo Martingale

@Tom Owns Diebel's Grave was right! A thing happened!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahah fuck you book.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

literally clinging to flying booba to make their escape.

Velo Martingale

That's the most thing that has ever happened in a Swift book!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I cheated by remembering there was a chapter titled "the flying igloo"

oh but I thought they would stay inside the igloo though, instead they're dangling from the bottom like idiots

GDC's Quivering Thews

I'm just glad we weren't subjected to a 1962 portrayal of Inuit people.

Velo Martingale

It's still early

gellaho

They meet some hill folk

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Is he a leprechaun?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he doesn't want the Swifts to find his GOLD

GDC's Quivering Thews

No, this is huckleberry

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh I was going with crazy prospector

but leprechaun works too

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Leprechaun prospector

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Dont let the Swifts see your moonshine still.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

whoa how has that never been done

Velo Martingale

Gooooooooooooooold

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Or they'll drink it all or use it for some cockamamie plan.

gellaho

What harm could it do

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Turns out you have to mine your own friggin' pot

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

see this is why you shouldn't assume all unknown aerial phenomena are alien spacecraft. Could be two rich idiots clinging to a pile of foam

FancyShark

Also a good reason to fire at UFOs

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It was swamp gas.

Its ALWAYS swamp gas.

gellaho

Ah, a fake Swede

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"We were visiting the wreck of the Skytanic"

Velo Martingale

I knew it was still The French!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also I just realised this is a world where teen tom swift flies to the moon for fun, why would anyone bother calling in a ufo

FancyShark

"Which means you boys lied to the police. So we're getting the rubber hoses. Standard procedure."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Well, were off to not learn anything from this and never ever check on peoples credentials, later!"

GDC's Quivering Thews

All I'm getting from this is that the swifts would be extremely susceptible to Phishing scams.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"To be fair, it's a big file cabinet"

gellaho

Brand my cactus salad, sky pictures!?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Nigerian prince you say?"

Velo Martingale

Oh Chow, you traitorous French bastard

I'm going to miss you when you die historic on the Swift Road

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"ah say, ah thought planets was what I put in my salad!"

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Oh shit i glanced away, is stuff happening all of a sudden?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Chow is the through line in all these 60s Swifts, you had to have a comic relief cowboy back then.

gellaho

If only we had any indication that something like this might happen!

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

I hope Chow turns out to be a "Q" like entity

FancyShark

Sort of!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they did an Up, you missed it

gellaho

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

They were vaguely boob-shaped

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Magical

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Make up your mind, book, is it hijackers or spies?!

FancyShark

Spijackers

gellaho

Tom uses one of his own rays this time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

has tom swift turned his telescope into the eye of sauron?

gellaho

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I would argue once you blow your cover badly by doing a hijacking you cease to be a spy.

FancyShark

Tom creates a gravity bomb

FancyShark

oh god, that whole area is going to be covered in viscera

gellaho

Well, that's terrifying

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom Swift and His Doomsday Gravity Cannon.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Go do it yourself, lazy rich ass.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"this isn't good," Tom thought, shaking off the booze.

GDC's Quivering Thews

The hijackers bones are slowly crushed into powder.

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure Chow should be trusted with this

FancyShark

The air in their lungs won't circulate

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"You're Texan, here's a ranged weapon"

gellaho

He loves it

Velo Martingale

"Yeehaw this here lasabeam is gonna crush them bad guys' skeletonins inside their bodies"

GDC's Quivering Thews

Chow knows what to do with claim jackers

FancyShark

Chow continues to rule

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

His southernisms make very little sense to me

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

The way God intended

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well you see a running iron is (brain explodes)

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Chow accidentally turns it up and turns the hijackers into marinara.

gellaho

Them owlhoots

GDC's Quivering Thews

Authentic frontier gibberish.

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Well I'll be a snarf-eared raffle squatter

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

But not IN the panhandle.

Velo Martingale

don't carve your skillet you need it to be nice and uniform

Chow is a terrible cook

gellaho

Not exactly criminal geniuses

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

someone in the exact center of the panhandle is as surprised as those two criminals, and Chow needed us to know it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He puts another notch in the handle for each man he sends to Hell in Toms name.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Did that count as Portly in the 60's?

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Tom scores again

gellaho

What a non intrusive security system

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Tom is continually surprised that his best friend still exists

FancyShark

"Ow. My wrist hurts!"

gellaho

Very normal sentences that won't attract any notice

GDC's Quivering Thews

'is my wrist supposed to have tumors after wearing this?'

Velo Martingale

Oh yeah Bud exists!

gellaho

What could go wrong

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ah, the long-expected flight to venus

gellaho

I'm sure this doesn't mean anything

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

after so much build-up I'm sure it will be a thrilling endeavour

GDC's Quivering Thews

If bud learns venusian karate, Tom knew he would become unstoppable.

FancyShark

Bud will be fine. He has an entire bag of air in case his breathing cloth fails

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"OHSHITTOMWEDIDNTHAVEACODEPHRASEFORTHISONEHELPMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

gellaho

Glad to know she's efficient

FancyShark

Hawt

gellaho

This ghostwriter refuses to capitalize Earth, and it's really bothering me. Especially when he's capitalizing Venus

Velo Martingale

Tom looked at the space outpost and noticed a piece of paper taped to the window. On it, written in blood, was "FRENCH IN SPACE"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is as close as Tom Swift gets to a sex scene

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"What are you doing in there???"

"Not space-perving, dad!"

FancyShark

What Are You Doing, Sister Planet

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

let's be mature about this, we've all felt a keen interest in studying Venus's darker areas

gellaho

Tunbridge quivers

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hey jackson if you had nothing to do with the assassination attempts, how did you know about the hydrogen

FancyShark

What rough Turnbridge

His hour come round at last

Slouches in his cell

To insist

gellaho

Apparently, Tunbridge is also a supergenius

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I am an accessory to assassination at most! That's basically innocence!

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Currently Incarcerated Jack

gellaho

Ray gun engineers are everywhere, I guess

FancyShark

"My invention jams so they can't jimmy"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

HEY JACKSON HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE HYDROGEN

Velo Martingale

All engineers are ray gun engineers deep down

GDC's Quivering Thews

Everyone goes into engineering dreaming of building a death ray

gellaho

I feel like a device for generating helium is pretty general purpose, Tunbridge

gellaho

What with it being an element and all

FancyShark

Jacquesccuse!

GDC's Quivering Thews

The military is notorious for it's use of weapons grade helium

gellaho

I feel like Jacques could have sold this radio-fax technology instead

gellaho

That's just me

GDC's Quivering Thews

The idea is to make your opponents voices too high pitched to take seriously.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

what he's such a genius for figuring out you used the machine he invented for exactly the purpose you used it for?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol Tom thinking the FBI cares about this kind of thing in the 60s

gellaho

They're doing a seven hour countdown?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

even Tom's enemies can't stop sucking his dick

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Tom, enough probing

FancyShark

It's like a Segal movie

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Where are this kid's parents?

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Most usable helium is produced during nuclear weapons refinement...

FancyShark

Who are you and what have you done with Rachel

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

Oh, right, sending him on the Challenger

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

Not sure how Tom can help

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

calling it now, Tom's prober somehow damages the venus spaceship

Rachel E. O. Speedwagon

I'll get the progesterone

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he shoots a focused beam of magnetrons or something that fucks it all up

Velo Martingale

It extends directly at it and pierces the hull like a spear

gellaho

Cape Canaveral is six hours away from Key West, but sure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the Swifts employ their own announcer for a different company's space launch?

gellaho

Couldn't even make it to lift off

FancyShark

Bud's in the bathroom back on earth

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom gets up there and the other astronaut is just hogging the only issue of Playboy they could smuggle aboard.

PhysicsBoart vs PhysicsBoart

"I should put this Niestche book down"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Bud's finding it hard to make new friends on the spaceship

gellaho

Just some quick mutiny before lift off

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Zero G made Buds tummy upset and he needs Tom to pick him up.

FancyShark

Not sure why Hal Holbrook is there

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they use the wrong cheese in his sandwich