112: Tom Swift and His Megascope Space Prober Victor Appleton II

GDC's Quivering Thews

We're skipping the moon and going straight to the death planet

gellaho

A man with viking-blond hair, and a viking-blond name

GDC's Quivering Thews

or wait, they still thought there were jungles on venus or something in the 60s

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Did people think Venus was still like a neat space jungle in the 60s or had they decided it sucked?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

like if the helium harvesting was necessary for the venus mission, and the french guy wanted the contract so he tried to kill tom with a car crash ray, suddenly we have a plot

but instead stuff is just... going on?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Dr Nordstrom couldnt get any more Norse if his name was Eric Lutefisk

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

unless we're in for an incredible reveal that I've just spoiled with my media literacy

gellaho

"We've called you out here just to tell you we've gone with someone else. Suck it."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so no helium harvesting on the space vehicle so far

but hang in there guys, there might be a plot soon

FancyShark

We like them because they don't sit and stew over a broadcast from France when they could be doing honest work

Velo Martingale

"It's not you, it's us. Us and the French."

gellaho

"But, we do want you or your employee to fly it, that's not weird, right?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this may shock you, Clarke, but Tom is actually not that busy

FancyShark

This is all an elaborate plan to kill Bud

GDC's Quivering Thews

Tom is only now learning about government procurement and the importance of being the lowest bidder

gellaho

General what, now?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"so will you loan us your servant, Master Swift? We figure he's got at least a 40% chance of surviving"

FancyShark

🚩

Velo Martingale

🇫🇷

gellaho

On the way back, Tom decides to fuck around with the airplane

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ooooh indoctrination!

FancyShark

And they immediately crash

Same tree

Velo Martingale

Damn you, plane crash rays!

gellaho

"First the car, and now this? It has not been my week, you know?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom shoves Bud out of the cockpit and marrons him on a deserted island so he can go to Venus.

FancyShark

hahaha, I was joking!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"So, Bud, are you looking forward to making new friends on your Venus mission?" Tom asked casually as he tilted the plane into a steep dive.

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Oh no it's that freeze ray again! I can't do anything!" Tom yelled as he held the stick in place.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom going thru means of transport like he's in a videogame.

FancyShark

Tom or Police Sketch of Christopher Lee?

gellaho

EXCLAMATION POINTS!

gellaho

Drawing 18 year olds was impossible

They hadn't developed the technology yet

GDC's Quivering Thews

18 year olds in 1962 smoked 2 packs a day and looked 30

Velo Martingale

"Oh no, we're going to crash and die together, Bud! Unseparated by the cold vaccuum of space! I guess there's nothing left to do now but hold hands and maybe confess any hidden feelings we might have."

gellaho

Tom does the rarely seen tail-first landing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"You see, Bud? You never know what can happen on an aerial mission," Tom said blankly. "Someone could, for example, use his credentials as a famous inventor to get aboard a space vehicle and sabotage it before his friend takes off."

gellaho

Sick stunts

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The mechanics all grin but secretly wish hed died.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

being excited by near-death experiences is a classic sign of psychopathy

gellaho

Time for a farewell picnic

Velo Martingale

"Oh no Bud we survived, and all our awkwardly confessed feelings survived with us, oh no. Maybe we never tell anyone about this. Maybe we go for a picinic."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Everyone hates it when the boss makes more work but acts like it was a fun goof.

GDC's Quivering Thews

"after that near death experience with a sabotaged aircraft, let's get in this helicopter"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"You know Bud, I bet I can reverse-engineer that crash ray now. When is your venus mission? Wednesday? Cool."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh right theres two girls, I forgot whats her name.

gellaho

I mean, what could possibly go wrong for a space vehicle bearing that name?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Bud had passed this test of loyalty, but more would follow. They always did.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

repelatron powered....

Repelatron doesnt work your thighs like Peloton does.

Oh and did Tom Swift win the fucking space race?

gellaho

Maybe the waiters should vet the notes their handing out

gellaho

Or at least spellcheck them

FancyShark

"I'm paid to put asses in seats and refill water glasses."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

waiter's read the script

Velo Martingale

"Oh no Bud a threatening note. We might be dying together in a helicopter. Maybe you should stop trying to fuck my sister."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just because youre scribbling a warning note is no reason to not have proper punctuation. Get a comma in there.

gellaho

It is rude to not sign your threats

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

tom sends out a public cablegram

There is a large graveyard filled with my enemies.

I do not wish to add to it, but will if given no choice.

Those who pick fights with me do so at their own peril, but maybe this is their lucky day …

gellaho

Tom, the eternal optimist

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"hold on, there's always the chance that nothing is happening."

Velo Martingale

hahahahahaha

"Listen Bud, this note could be French."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom out there proving you can be a genius and still be bone stupid.

GDC's Quivering Thews

I think this is that flight through the windshield talking

gellaho

They valiantly leave it to the girls to solve their problem

Velo Martingale

"Bud, have you considered I might be unkillable? Seriously. I can't die. I've tried."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"hey ladies, you wanna die?"

gellaho

The girls are fooled by this deviously clever plot

Velo Martingale

ahahahahahahaha

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if Tom falls for this he deserves it

Velo Martingale

"He left and he took the helicopter engine with him."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just look in the fuckin phone book, god.

gellaho

I don't know, maybe we should still call the number

Velo Martingale

Yeah Tom. He wants you to rent a car. Definitely not use the taxi service he left a card for.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

As opposed to you being in a vulnerable and easily crashable helicopter?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I cannot believe they needed a warning not to use the helicopter

gellaho

"I'll just take whatever from mysterious men who stand in shadows"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"medium density, probable human descent, composed primarily of matter. Sorry I can't be more helpful."

GDC's Quivering Thews

But he was white and this is the sixties, so of course I believed him

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

That waiter buys a lot of drugs without meaning to.

gellaho

That "who had met Tom before" aside is just glorious

FancyShark

Gibbons braces himself every time Tom speaks

gellaho

You know, a hand press

FancyShark

That's a medieval torture device, right?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"it's possible the card was printed with some kind of ray"

Velo Martingale

There is one more thing. The man said "Hon hon hon" on his way out

FancyShark

Also, @Brendan!™ , you're missing Tom Swift in the year 1962!

gellaho

See also: "who was a mechanic"

Velo Martingale

Look we don't need Corporal's Partner's name or backstory

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mechanic Cop!

Velo Martingale

Idiot has a wrench, that's all we need

gellaho

"But it could still just be a coincidence," Tom thought

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

I'm just glad they're happy together

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

unfortunately he works on cars so he doesnt know a tail rotor from an aileron.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

phony warning note?

Velo Martingale

Frankly he was shocked to find out flying machines existed.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah fine, it's safe, hop in Tom

make sure to stay low to the ground, within rayable distance

gellaho

Hey, ghostwriter, I was able to figure it out myself. Thanks anyway

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahha this is so elaborate compared to just throwing a grenade in the room when Tom Swift is shitting.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or NOT SAYING ANYTHING AND RAYING THE HELICOPTER THEY WERE GOING TO USE

Velo Martingale

Clearly you've never been in an assassination contest with The French

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

helicopters kill everyone on board if you look at them wrong

gellaho

Triphibian atomicar

gellaho

God knows what that means

Velo Martingale

My god it's more phibian than car

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its powered by the atom and can sumberge in three kinds of liquid safely.

gellaho

Hilarious, Tom

Velo Martingale

Oh fuck

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The trick is guessing what three liquids.

Velo Martingale

That looks rad as hell

gellaho

Anyway, weeks later

gellaho

Hell yeah, slide rule

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"the assassins got bored and went home"

FancyShark

"That's right, children of 1962. We just blew your minds."

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Are those fucking Napoleonic Cossascks? Is this car traveling through fucking time??

Velo Martingale

Tom thought about how it was 1962 and the Hulk had just been created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in March. He reached for his slide rule.

gellaho

Meet Tom Swift's chef. Who is a cowboy caravan cookie from the 1860s

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Makes a great chili.

His secret? little bit of chocolate.

FancyShark

Just don't tell him where you got your salsa

gellaho

Oh, man. Just... wow

FancyShark

Please tell me Chow is white

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

someone has a few google tabs open haha

Velo Martingale

New York Citay?

FancyShark

NEW YORK CITY?!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

He's already called Chow as an affectionate nickname, so. I'm not hopeful

GDC's Quivering Thews

Chow casually drops the fact that Swift is in contact with aliens

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I left for 1 minute to look after my baby and we have a roly poly texas cook named Chow

this guys sounds like a superhero sidekick

Velo Martingale

Don't go to Planet X.

FancyShark

One of the ones Seanbaby wrote about on Cracked

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"woo! woo! I've got personality!" Chow shouted, using his fat to defeat several henchmen

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I think its "Chow" as in food, not "Chow" as in......well.

gellaho

So, anyway, his kitchen is exploding

GDC's Quivering Thews

Chow speaks fluent authentic frontier gibberish

FancyShark

oh thank god, he's just the Swedish Chef

Velo Martingale

I think if Chow wasn't white we would've seen a slur by now

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh wow, you guys

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

You say that but it could be a double bluff

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"spooks is ccausin it?"

this guy literally is that one seanbaby article rendered flesh

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Yeahhhh that's not a good sign

gellaho

"Brand my rocket scooter!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Cowboys are notoriously weak to ghosts, everyone knows that.

Velo Martingale

This is just how Texans talk

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"where am that Master Swift? Is he invisabulous?"

FancyShark

It said he's "paler than ever". So I'm comfortable assuming he's white and therefore not offensive

GDC's Quivering Thews

Chow's 'shine still is giving off fumes again

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's a loveable Gabby Hayes type.

gellaho

Cartoon Texans absolutely

Velo Martingale

Chow's about to shoot the kitchen

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"brand my rocket scooter," Chow exclaimed improbably

I think we could riff on Chow for 3 or 4 hours

what a goldmine

Velo Martingale

Chow... short for Choisi? He's a secret French! Stab him!

FancyShark

That's a euphemism

gellaho

Ah, yes, radio explosions

Velo Martingale

Chow's the new main character. Fuck off, Tom.

FancyShark

Radio explosions caused by radio viruses

Velo Martingale

I'm glad Bud died in space with all his unconfessed feelings.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Tom, why the fuck were you routing a beam of explosive energy through your own fucking kitchen, where you know people are working

gellaho

Chow decides he likes his kitchen exploding

FancyShark

Chow officially rules

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

fun fact, steam burns are incredibly painful because they don't kill the nerve endings

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hey Tom try not to test your fucking microwave death ray on the cafeteria?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

anyway get back to cooking Chow

GDC's Quivering Thews

Come to think of it, that is literally how microwaves work

gellaho

No idea why the artist drew him levitating, but sure

Velo Martingale

Tom's just trying to give Chow super powers

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Okay thank god. We have confirmed whiteness.

All stations stand down.

Velo Martingale

Oh

Chow is governor Greg Abbott

FancyShark

Dammit

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Fuck, yeah, he is

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Commander Riker, cancel the Red Alert. Chow is white."

gellaho

Yeah, you guys really jumped to conclusions on that one

Velo Martingale

Which is problematic in a different way

GDC's Quivering Thews

He's not levitating, those heels add five inches.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Look, it's a book from 1962, you can't blame us for being a little suspicious

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

They really do, damn

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

look he might be white but he's definitely gonna use the power of being fat to defeat several henchmen later

gellaho

No idea what this is supposed to be

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

soop

FancyShark

Teacrock

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"Pour ya a cuppa bisque, hoss?"

Velo Martingale

It's the cookin pot, city boy.

With its cookin spout

GDC's Quivering Thews

The handle and spout also appear to be transparent

FancyShark

"Well tarnation, I done got me some amooz boosh simmerin'"

gellaho

Chief patternmaking engineer

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

How else are you gonna see what's going on in there

Velo Martingale

Oh so I guess yous fancy enough to be affordin yourself opaque cookin pots, huh?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its for eating chili.

FancyShark

Arv, named after his family's dog's favorite word

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"We named the dog Arvid Hanson"

gellaho

Time for a science lesson

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sure are a lot of blond and square jawed men working at Swift Enterprises in 1962

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah it was silly to think Chow might be black

Velo Martingale

Tom where did you get a blackboard

FancyShark

Wouldn't anti-thing you just explained mean it's just directly proportional to the distance?

Velo Martingale

Do you just haul that around with you? Because if so, the French are right to use their ray guns.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Stole it from a local school district.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Don't talk about paperclips around them and you'll be fine

GDC's Quivering Thews

Gravity is inverse square, tom, electromagnetic propagation is asymptotic decay

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And its 1962 so you can guess what kind of school he took it from.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

why don't you just call it a constant wave and stop jerking yourself off, Tom

gellaho

Anyway, back to investigating

Velo Martingale

Sacrebleu!

Un Clue!

GDC's Quivering Thews

would anti-inverse square just be square?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tom is out there inventing the concept of coherent light four years after it was actually invented.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Tom didn't even do anything here, the fuck are we congratulating him for

gellaho

And then they immediately lose the boot

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"Someone got their boot stuck for a short while and now one of their feet is probably wet and cut up! Nice going, Tom!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

well if Tom couldn't pull that boot loose, even the two strongest men on earth would fail

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Hahaha what a twist.

Velo Martingale

God damn it Phil Randor

Wait a minute...

Randor... short for Randor'leans?! Stab!

gellaho

I bet you did

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Phil? SHORT FOR PHILIP? LIKE THE KING OF FRANCE!

Velo Martingale

Ames shouldn't have left the boner unguarded

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

J'accuse!

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

I'LL SHOW THEM! I'LL SHOW THEM HOW MANY BONERS TOM SWIFT CAN MAKE!!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this boot plot is so dumb I'm not even excited to make a boner joke

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

also heheheheheheh "boner".

gellaho

Classic frontier cuisine

gellaho

Velo Martingale

That sounds like the most vile combination of tastes

Mmmm creamy oysters and sour pie

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oyster stew to get his science boner going real good.

GDC's Quivering Thews

Oysters, texas style

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"would sir like some hair with that?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

With bell peppers and chili beans.

gellaho

Velo Martingale

Also, great contribution Chow, truly the hero we need

FancyShark

That's an unkind name, Tom. You made them that way.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

excuse me but what to all that?

Velo Martingale

Tom why did you name them and call them that

oh wait no that's a raspberry pi

gellaho

Spurting at incredible speed

FancyShark

Just glossing over the fact Tom created AI

Velo Martingale

Nevermind. Carry on Tom.

FancyShark

Spurting after pulling such a boner

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I wonder if something exciting is happening on Bud's mission to Venus

Velo Martingale

It's all Chow's oysters, and the thoughts of Bud

Quiet Tom, we're spurting about Bud

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

maybe there's like a sudden problem that requires some quick thinking and derring-do to resolve

Velo Martingale

No

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its fuckin science spurting time here on Earth.

Real "rising action" shit.

Velo Martingale

Space is boring as shit

Literally nothing there

Vast unknowable leagues of nothing

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah I guess this is probably more exciting

gellaho

Durastress

Velo Martingale

Bud's actually trying to end his boredom right now but the airlock is sealed

gellaho

Potters' warped minds

Velo Martingale

Could it be that not all the French were dead?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"haha I've had so many wondrous inventions I can't keep track of them all," Tom said. "Burn my blaster-boots," Chow added.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Bud's thinking of dropping out

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh he never even left

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"They told me you cant nut in space, Tom."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and he walked in just in time to distract Tom from figuring out the plot

cool

Velo Martingale

"I couldn't stand to be that far away from you, Tom. Not after what we said in the plane."

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

"I heard there was plot and I came as fast as I could!"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Like tried to hand me some cock and bull story about it being harder to maintain an erection because of the zero gravity, but I know they were just hating me for my freedom."