114: Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection Simon Hawke

#6 Time Wars

Tags: The Year of Pain
Sixth in the new time travel adventure series!

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gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 114 - Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection

Once again it's Simon Hawke O'Clock. The tolling of the bell means we are at the halfway point of all the time Wars. And this is where things go truly off the rails and into other dimensions. Find out more, this Friday 5pm eastern.

gellaho
Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Say what you will about Hawke's content but his covers always kick ass.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

FUCK YEAH HAWKE O'CLOCK!

Lol I like that blurb on the back.

gellaho

Little under an hour until Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection. Here is your preview

FancyShark

"Wait, so we already failed?"

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Our heroes, preserving the occupation of the British Raj

sexdick jakesy

The city of Bombay will never financially recover from this

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sorry it took so long to get back, I just got up. It was one of my existing PDFs, some comic or other. After Book Cage ill hit you up if you like and see what I can do to help.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I can't remember, what happened in the last Time Wars book cage

ohhh yeah it was the Jules Verne one where Jules Verne didn't end up doing much

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He went to the future and was very impressed with Doritos Locos Tacos Quantum Guac flavor.

Velo Martingale

He was an unstoppable fuck machine

FancyShark

The last half of the book was mostly Evil Admin and dealing with a dickhead who owned a slave colony?

gellaho

He had an evil island where he was going to launch nukes throughout time

FancyShark

IT BEGINS!

Velo Martingale

TIME WARS

Hi Shark!

Brendan!™

And so we start and begin again

gellaho

Time to get connected

FancyShark

Hi, @Velo Martingale ! Hi, @Flippant Sausage, rebunned ! Hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !

Brendan!™

Like the Hawke in his widening gyre

FancyShark

Hi, @Brendan!™ !

Brendan!™

Too late, Shark, I already registered the snub.

FancyShark

Dang. I need to snub faster

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Brendan gets his own greeting, doesnt care. More like Brendan McUngrateful.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lets do this

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

(Quietly: Gottem.)

gellaho

Based on the poem Gunga Din, with which I'm sure you are all familiar

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

is that lawrence of arobo-ia?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gungan Dinner?

Never heard of it.

Velo Martingale

Gunga din these nuts

FancyShark

Gunga Din was the bartender in Mos Eisley, right?

gellaho

Seems like a fun vacay

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I thought "Hindu Kush" was a kind of weed, TIL.

FancyShark

#teamshamal

gellaho

Big fan of the Mongol hordes of Tamerlane

Brendan!™

Shalt the king thanke ye crowne for upon his brouwe most weary resting its weight?

Velo Martingale

Yes

I have three ideas for which part of time fiction they're about to fuck up and they're all real bad

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I'm not saying we should behead Brendan. But that IS what kings are for.

FancyShark

"But enough of that. Let's go to Portland"

gellaho

Anyway, Tommy here is hiding in a hole

Velo Martingale

We're about to Man Who Would Be King this

FancyShark

<snrk> The damned didn't scream in the final circle. They were all frozen. DUH

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fun jezail fact, they can fire just about anything that fits in the barrel, so Afghans would shoot nails and pebbles at the British. Second fun fact, they outranged the British weapons by quite a bit.

gellaho

Tommy longs for the mustard gas of his past

FancyShark

Tommy was starting to suspect his CO didn't like him very much

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lol Bataan Death March survivor longs to escape Afghanistan.

Velo Martingale

Tommy was starting to wonder if he was the problem

gellaho

He is accosted by a brownface doppelganger

FancyShark

"Dude. Not cool."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ill be honest, Afghanistan seems nice. I dont know if its nice enough I'd invade it, but it doesnt seem that bad. Certainly no Bataan Death March.

gellaho

Then they kill each other

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Lieutenant Barclay, we need to have another discussion about appropriate holodeck programs

FancyShark

"Enemy Me" wasn't as catchy as "Enemy Mine"

Velo Martingale

Makes sense, I kill all my dopplegangers too

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh thank GOD they're Army, the Time Marines would just start eating all of history's best crayons.

gellaho

Fast-forward 800 years

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh yeah, Colonel Cant Stab His Evil Son Properly.

Velo Martingale

Did he not burn to death?

Has anyone ever died in these books

FancyShark

That was the other guy. Half-immolated but still fine

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think they usually introduce side characters to fill out the death roster

gellaho

Vargas would later tragically blow away with the next stiff breeze

FancyShark

In Baldur's Gate 3, Vargas can respec you for 100 gold

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fortunately he had a cord tied to his ankle for just such an occurence.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Now he represents America in the Time wars as the superhero The Fighting Kite.

FancyShark

He hits the "T" in "kite" very hard whenever he pronounces it

gellaho

"It's the 80s, sir, this is how all teams are formed"

FancyShark

"I thought all terrible soldiers were kept in a single unit"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Future historian\brainweb funny interlocuter Seamuschild will refer to The Fighting Kite as "The most racist comic since The Final Trump: Apocalyptic Revelations of the God King."

gellaho

Look at the demotion glass half full

Velo Martingale

"Have you heard the term 'loose cannon'?"

FancyShark

Delaney is trying to collect every medal

Brendan!™

Loose jezail

Velo Martingale

He's the best Time Cop on the force. You may not like his methods, Vargs, but DAMN IT he gets results!

gellaho

"And, trust me, he is a grade A cock"

gellaho
Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"I mean we kind of do owe him one for recruiting Andre, who is actually competent."

Velo Martingale

Oh he actually did the " DAMN IT he gets results!" bit. Fantastic

FancyShark

"Yes, the chips do go down rather frequently when he's involved, but I don't see a connection"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Ive told you before, your fucking prehistoric bird metaphors suck, chickens went extinct in the Sandwich Wars of 2030."

gellaho

"Sir, if I speak very inappropriately: aaaoooogaaah"

FancyShark

"Hands where I can see them, Forrester"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Yeah she is a real sexy........oh wait you meant her qualities as a soldier, right."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I swear this is relevant, I'm attracted to her BECAUSE she's an integral part of the unit."

Velo Martingale

"I want to fuck the team."

gellaho

The insignias were frequently vandalized by lowering the lemniscate

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"these highly decorated military veterans get me so fuckin hard."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Black uniform with black armband, very not sinister and extremely trustworthy.

gellaho

By stuffing his pants, I assume

FancyShark

Pleated pants always do that

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Pants or butt, something is stuffed.

Velo Martingale

Potentially both! Such is the luxury of The Future!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he also finds military competency very arousing

gellaho

Finn makes the ✅ Redhead really easy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh you bad boy, iron that shirt

Brendan!™

I'm conflicted. On the one hand, he's a guy. On the other hand, he's a redhead in an unbuttoned blouse.

gellaho

I'm going to skip the history lesson that follows

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

His UNIFORM blouse.

FancyShark

"Physique and posture of a bear"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also NOOOOOOO! How will we understand the story if we dont go into minute detail about the activities of the British Raj?!

Velo Martingale

Oh shit

gellaho

It's a very complicated message

Eerie Queen Mordred 👑

OF COURSE IT'S A RED HAIRED IRISHMAN THEY DON'T MAKE ANY OTHER COLORS

FancyShark

Hi, @Eerie Queen Mordred 👑 !

gellaho

The black Irish are a myth

FancyShark

So are we talking clones or time clones?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They of course, did not notice this dead guy LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE OTHER DEAD GUY and do a DNA analysis based on that.

No, they had to decipher a dead guy pointing.

gellaho

Certainly impossible in this world of time travel, mind manipulation, and perfect plastic surgery

gellaho

I'm not telling

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so in the autopsies of their enemies, their equipment is only capable of detecting their OWN implants?

gellaho

It's the only way to avoid a Time Copping

Velo Martingale

You fool, it's clearly Kipling in disguise

FancyShark

Until proven otherwise, I will assume Time Cop rules and act accordingly

dangit, scooped

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's a very human-centric concept of time to assume that paradoxes can be sorted just because the person is dead

gellaho

Considering the scoop was above the text, that is impressive

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

like he was still killed by himself from a different time

that's still a paradox even if his meat is going sour

gellaho

A time split would be quite the pickle

Velo Martingale

Literally the darkest timeline

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell yeah, time to contemplate the ethics of time genocide!

FancyShark

More importantly, did the other guy have a goatee? Are we dealing with a mirror universe/parallel time or a divergent timeline that is looping back on itself?

gellaho

The Time Wars are now interdimensional

FancyShark

Fuck yes. Mirror Universe!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sweet.

gellaho

That is a lot of proper nouns

FancyShark

They call themselves horse breeders, but that's a misnomer. Do not let them near your horse.

gellaho

Seems like a party town

gellaho
Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Last paragraph could be read as implying that Mongolians have hooves and thinking of like The Hu as a centaur band made me very happy.

gellaho

Sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll

Brendan!™

Or that there's a paradox because the same entity comes back years later in their personal time. Seven years, cell replacement blah blah

gellaho

I'm going to keep reading that word as Ferengi

FancyShark

$5 says that's where it came from

gellaho

Alright, Simon, put down the encyclopedia

Brendan!™

Zar, zan, and zamin -- nobody rides second hump for free.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait which word is like ferengi?

gellaho
FancyShark

This does read like someone sarcastically replying to a criticism about how military shooter games ignore and trivialize foreign cultures

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Ah, the good old Martini-Henry.

gellaho

Great way to get drunk

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Making a gun that only fires olives was probably the main reason the British lost the Afghan War.

gellaho

Oh, right, the characters

FancyShark

Finn's a Bengals fan, confirmed

gellaho

Well, that's weird

FancyShark

Who doesn't love public buttchugging?

Velo Martingale

I have no joke that can compare to "He was taking in the water of the puddle through his anus"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh, bear grylls did that once

FancyShark

I guess that's one way to get around drinking filthy water

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

your ass can absorb thewater without getting sick

gellaho

Time to meet three British stereotypes

Velo Martingale

Oi!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Plays merry hell with your gut flora tho, you wont poop right for weeks after that.

FancyShark

Blimey!

Brendan!™

Cor!

Velo Martingale

Ello Guvna! We're in afghanistan we is!

It's the past now, innit?

gellaho

So, the second guy is every religious comparison and the third guy is every animal

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oi luv, make us a cuppa, wouldjya? I'm gasping

FancyShark

I say, let's jolly well discuss this uncouth man and his anal imbibings

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Time for Finn to be telling some porkies.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think I made a bull with ape arms in Spore

gellaho

This can't be blamed on Simon because they're from the poem, but Jesus, these character names

gellaho

Learoyd

Learoyd

FancyShark

Ortheris was the Egyptian god of the sun

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

try rhyming learoyd with anything

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

lol fuck you Kipling. Who the fuck is named Ortheris in Britain?

FancyShark

Metroid?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its probably Welsh and pronounced "Daryl."

Velo Martingale

Well this here's my mate, Ortheris, he's a bitta hell raiser an all that but he's a good chap deep down. This here's Mulvaney, 'e's oirish an can't be trusted. And me I'm Learoyd, cockney guttersnype but secretly the physical embodyment of an anthropomorphic lion with a crown and scepter.

gellaho

I guess Andre was able to see Over the Top whilst in the future

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fuck him up, Andre.

gellaho

She immediately beats him and goes for a second, while one of them literally spits his tea

gellaho

Fucking gold, Simon

FancyShark
Brendan!™

JINKIES

gellaho

Learoyd semicolons

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

She beats him best of three and fucks his girlfriend.

FancyShark

Learoy grunted; Learoy strained

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Takes his pay and buys whatever the Afghan equivalent of a hotdog is with it.

gellaho

She is beaten by the minotaur, but his strength is from the gods, so it is to be expected

FancyShark

Let's pool our money and buy this man some consonants

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Awww hes even concerned he hasnt damaged her with his freakish strength, hes a good beast man.

Velo Martingale

E don't need no consnans, E needs 'it o the fisherman's daughter an a ride on the clever mike to clear his 'ead

gellaho

Andre continues to tell them to fuck off

FancyShark

hahaha

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oi luv, you tellin me them wimmenfolk is hyuuuman???

FancyShark

Andre continuing to show she has the biggest balls

gellaho

Kipling seems like a great writer, but I wonder what else he wrote

gellaho

Oops

gellaho

Sir Blood, indeed

FancyShark

Sir Blood was deemed "too obvious" a vampire alias

gellaho

I think you could go more stereotypical, Simon. Where's the marmite?

FancyShark

That nickname plays hell with the rosters

gellaho

MEANWHILE: Captain Blood is sweaty and erect

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

General Sir "Captain" Bindon Blood. Get it right, book, you made us read it

Brendan!™

How many of these british soldiers are orphan pickpockets?

FancyShark

Brigadier-General Sir Captain Bindon Blood

gellaho

He starts talking about historical shit

And apparently there were more than one Night of Long Knives

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

depends on how many took the king's shilling by mistake

FancyShark

Nevermind that. What about the Night of Swiss Army Knives?

Brendan!™

Lance-Corporal Major Eugenius Stiffersquire

FancyShark

Admiral-Leftenant Duke Cardinal Finnius Hiltenshire

gellaho

Now, when you see Simon raring up to repeat some Kipling songs, how much do you expect?

Velo Martingale

7

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Major Digbert Aethelwulf Wharter Prescott XXIV

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Ok. I think I've caught up. Some time cops are going back in time to the middle-east to do extra colonialism (didn't do enough first time around) and also destroy clones. Yes?

FancyShark

I expect the entire thing

Hi, @Vooster's Holiday Vacation !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think so

gellaho

I hope your answer was three pages

gellaho
Velo Martingale

Starting inexplicably with 'If' set to the tune of 'What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor'

FancyShark

Yep! They're trying to make sure history happens as it did and evil versions of themselves may appear

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we also clarified that Andre is stronger than some men but not others

gellaho

Don't actually read that, FYI. Just live in it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahha Simon Hawke doing a Tolkien but with songs he didnt write. Nice.

Common Hawke W.

Brendan!™

Of the Blarthering Dale Prescotts?

I was at Oxknellton with him!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I can't help but notice the evil version had surgical blackface

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ew they rhymed "fall behind" with "trouble in the wind"

savages

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

This book is on thin ice

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

No, the other branch, the Cockenton-on-Stratford Prescotts.

Brendan!™

Sometimes Hawke really impresses with his ability to get editors to accept shit for a wordcount

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Sudden Onset Tolkein Transcripting Syndrome can strike when you least expect it.

Brendan!™

Ah, a shame what end their line came to. Hashashins abound.

gellaho

Anyway, here's Gunga Din

sexdick jakesy

Read that last sentence in Jar Jar voice

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

scooped me

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Shame Digbert had his brains scrambled by that nail, who could possibly have known jezails outrange the Martini-Henry by 300 yards?!

sexdick jakesy

Hell yeah

And now I must leave as mysteriously as I came

gellaho

I can't imagine George Lucas stealing ideas

FancyShark

Hi, @sexdick jakesy ! Bye, @sexdick jakesy !

sexdick jakesy

I will be around for like 20 minutes and then I have social life somehow

gellaho

Anyway, he's an untouchable

gellaho

Lame

FancyShark

Untouchables are part of the caste system, Simon. They're the bottom rung, but they're part of it.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Lol I was just typing that

gellaho

This poem seems fun

gellaho

I'm blaming Kipling for everything

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gunga Din speaks english in the same sense people from Cornwall do.

FancyShark

"His real name is Ron, but we call him Gunga Din because he's an unpaid intern and they're barely people"

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Everyone knows you are solely responsible for dressing and equipping your party

Brendan!™

What you want is a stout .303 long-bore muzzle eggscrambler wot wot! I slew 15 elefaunts with mine before the baby eleofayuntes had a chance to turn round, wot

gellaho

Skipping over five pages of proper nouns

sexdick jakesy

When do we get to talking about 28 inch Arabic pythons

Need to hear about some lats before we get in too deep

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

more to the point he speaks english THE SAME WAY GUNGANS DO

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

When does the plot start?

gellaho

In comes Winston Churchill like the Kool-aid man

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I'm not a fat cigar smoking alco yet so I had to say my name"

FancyShark

Winston was never young. I refuse to believe this.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I missed the part where Blood's first name is Bindon

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He was! And frequently naked!

Velo Martingale

Oh shit everyone run

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He always looked like a geriatric bulldog tho.