114: Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection Simon Hawke

gellaho

Meanwhile, here's Sharif Khan

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahahah nice job Sharif.

FancyShark

Lucky him the Brits were there or he'd never get a chance to prove himself a man

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I guess it's true, chaos is a ladder

Brendan!™

Sharif Khan? Of the Hottenspam Khans?

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

This just makes me want to watch RRR again

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Take the barrel off, and make your very own jezail.

gellaho

Except, it's not Sharif Khan. It's Reese Hunter, aka Barry Martingale, aka Phoenix

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Booooo

sexdick jakesy

Who shot the Sherif tho

FancyShark

GASP

FancyShark

Different person than shot the Deputi

gellaho

If you don't remember who Reese Hunter was

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They sure like giving their covert operatives bad cryptonyms like "Mongoose" and "Phoenix."

FancyShark

He's called Phoenix because he's from Arizona

gellaho

He's the one who got took Andre from the 12th century to Three Musketeers times and died

Velo Martingale

Reese is my new favorite

sexdick jakesy

Isn't he also the one who eats out the stripper

In uhhhh Cold Steele?

gellaho

No, that's in Jagged Steele and is a completely different guy

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I think in the future they may have forgotten cryptonyms are for making assets and operations look innocuous on paperwork and providing no hint as to their identity or content, like Nifty Dolphin.

sexdick jakesy

Could have sworn his name was Reese too

gellaho

Simon likes to reuse names

sexdick jakesy

JD Masters (the character) agrees

gellaho

But, you remember Dr Darkness, right?

gellaho

The deus ex machina from the last book

The guy who lives in a far off galaxy and can send them future technologies?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh right, the Hawke designed OC who is totally not Dr. Doom.

FancyShark

Oh right. Dr. Huh

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Whats important is that he is 100% NOT Dr. Doom, you guys.

gellaho

Anyway, Reese is in brownface

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And will never BECOME Dr. Doom.

FancyShark

Dammit, Reese

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I never want my features to be described as "lugubrious"

gellaho

He doesn't wear a mask or run a fake eastern European country, so yeah

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yet.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I kinda do

gellaho

He's a great guy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh there it is

FancyShark

And he's named Phoenix, so killing him isn't going to shut him up

gellaho

Oh, by the way, he's also not Reese Hunter, so ignore everything I said earlier

FancyShark

dammit, Hawke

Velo Martingale

Damn it, Fake Reese Hunter! What am I supposed to do with all this Reese Hunter knowledge?

FancyShark

Someone take those keys away from Simon

gellaho

That sounds like a fake degree

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Be careful, he bites!

Velo Martingale

I built my next seven bits about this being Reese Hunter!

I wrote a song!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Divide it into little Reese Pieces and store them away

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Zen physics is just zorth dimensional theory but with more insufferable white people being cryptic.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

if you don't even know what the truth is then how can you say it's staring vargas in the face? Idiot. Fuck off. (fart sounds)

gellaho

Tached, translating into tachyons

Brendan!™

It's weird how all these Time White Guys get beigeface surgery to appear Afghan instead of like...recruiting 22nd C. Afghanis.

FancyShark

That would require making new characters

sexdick jakesy

Oh boy, we have bad news about what 22nd century George Bush was up to to make that request impossible

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And admit the Future Taliban to the Time Council?! MADNESS!

Brendan!™

Your thumb looks Afghani, is that your natural tone, or was it nano-pigmentation by your era's Racism Bots?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or having made your characters diverse in the first place, and who could have thought that would be necessary in a globehopping adventure series

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hey they have a French woman! Thats two kinds of diverse right there!

FancyShark

Hey, they're diverse! He's got a redhead, a woman and a burn victim!

gellaho

Later, Andre puzzles why her implanted knowledge of the future hasn't told her about Churchill

FancyShark

oh no

Andre's going to bang Churchill, isn't she

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahaha they didnt tell Andre about like most of the first half of the 20th century.

FancyShark

Bracing for a PHOTON-level "what's a Hitler?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Just imagine all the things youd have to just not mention to exclude Churchie.

gellaho

Simon's getting confused about his own paradoxes

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I thought you were saying "oh no" because if Churchhill's been erased from history, that raises the slight possibility that we're doing a Nazis

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

We also have to explain 9/11 to her, not that the author knew it

Woman has a point

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahahah Andre having a good point about time travel, she rules.

gellaho

This leads Priest to conclude that he's going to kill Churchill

FancyShark

I've played enough Risk to know you can't kill Churchill

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Then maybe you should go home?

Or just not kill Churchill?

gellaho

Sounds like a good time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

kill, marry or fuck?

Velo Martingale

All three

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

NEVER FUCK CHURCHILL!

Velo Martingale

ALL. THREE.

FancyShark

That's going to lead to a comical mishap that ends with Churchill being SUPER dead

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

So the Time Cops what protecc history sometimes be history?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The Timecop meets Weekend at Bernies mashup we always wanted!

gellaho

That's not a name

FancyShark

Simon sneezed when he typed that

Velo Martingale

Wasn't there another Meiklejohn recently?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If Digby Thatham-Wharter is real then a General Meiklejohn is probably a real one.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The British are deeply unserious when it comes to last names.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its weird how much Churchill looks like Alex Jones but less red and more fat.

gellaho

Simon gets meta

Brendan!™

If you touch your past self you both die....of pleasure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

which raises the question, which one is the before and which is the after taking his stupid fake vitamins

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Wow, read another author. Any other author

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Shoot Churchill right fucking now.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Do the funniest thing possible.

Velo Martingale

Kiss him first!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Granted, my dumb ass can't name any Kipling contemporaries

gellaho

Andre isn't really interested in keeping up this disguise

FancyShark

He read Jules Verne for the last one. Then got bored and ignored Verne

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He could do Edgar Rice=Burroughs and we could get a John Carter of The Time Corps.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Which one?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Andre doesnt give a fuck about her cover story.

Brendan!™

Tarzan vs. the Indescribable Mad Manifestation of Nyarlathotep

FancyShark

Previous book. He made Verne a massive nerd. And the Nautilus was real. And named after the one Verne hadn't written about.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Phoenix's animal force readies for battle

FancyShark

I'm picturing actual animals in adorable tactical gear

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Aw man i was hoping he was building a gorilla army.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Agent Fox 🤨

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ackbar's camp will definitely be a trap haha get it

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hawke would be the author to be like "Yeah cyber apes from the future, why not."

FancyShark

He made ninjas fight sharks. It was impossibly stupid and I love him for it.

gellaho

It's in the next book

Anyway

Velo Martingale

Oh also Verne was an unstoppable fuck machine

As is Churchill

gellaho

Priest gets shot in the chest protecting Churchill

Velo Martingale

Good call Priest

FancyShark

hahahaha

Priest is the Rickety Cricket of Time Wars

Velo Martingale

What's the thorax? There's nothing important in there, right?

That's like right beneath the mandibles

gellaho

So, he's dead

Velo Martingale

Worth it

gellaho

Simon has officially killed his main character

Velo Martingale

Worht. It.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Oh no, not that guy

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he was the good cop right?

FancyShark

He was the burn victim

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I'll miss the way he existed

Velo Martingale

Lucas was the main character?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah that was rough

FancyShark

Briefly!

Velo Martingale

He was present, and I appreciated that

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He was before he got his ass exploded by a jezail ball.

gellaho

It's only been six books

Velo Martingale

Was he in the last one?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He was much too young to die, at only six books.

Velo Martingale

That's not a bit, I genuinely don't remember him being in the last one

FancyShark

He was in the previous ones! He was not at all important or interesting, but he was there

Velo Martingale

The one with the exploding castle, yeah

He was present!

Curse you, random rifleman!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Didnt he get melted by Ork plasma fire?

FancyShark

Half

gellaho

Yeah, half his face got blown off

Velo Martingale

We will have our vengeance, Afghanistan!

For Judas Priest!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Half-orc?

FancyShark

<whisper> Lucas

gellaho

Realistically, he was the main character of the first one and then it became an ensemble piece

Velo Martingale

No you're thinking of George

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its pretty rad to have your funeral attended by General Blood tho.

gellaho

He's been all over these books, but you must understand that I can't share the entirety of these books

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

He's too boring to be worth paying attention to.

gellaho

He grounded the books, and that's not funny

FancyShark

Now the books have grounded him

gellaho

Anyway, he is dead

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

boom roasted

gellaho

And will remain dead for at least the next three books

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahahah it kind of is funny that a character in a series where they are going to time travel and fight Dracula thought a single dingus could "ground" it.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Wait

Velo Martingale

No time to wait, only time for adventure!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lucas Priest will return in: Moonraker.

gellaho

There are twelve of these, I haven't read all of them

Why couldn't I have died for Churchill!

FancyShark

Getting merked by a random goon is how he would want to go

gellaho

He did go to school with George R R Martin

Velo Martingale

So just imagine very loud, sad bagpipes for the entire rest of the book

FancyShark

It kind of feels like this event should have happened near the end of the book as the big moment

gellaho

Anyway, the bad guy is Drakov again

Velo Martingale

"You knew about Churchill?" No, why, who is he? Is he important?

FancyShark

Hi, Drakov

gellaho

We've got a ways to go

Velo Martingale

DAMN YOU DRAKOV AGAIN

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Goddammit Drakov again?

Velo Martingale

Drakov you scum, you pox, you plague!

Has Drakov been in these before? Was he the submarine guy or the castle guy?

FancyShark

He was both

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Mildly annoying stupid asshole who is a stand in for the Soviet Union" isnt a great villain imo.

FancyShark

Recurring villain and son of guy who couldn't kill his son

Which is sort of implied

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Colonel "Doesnt Believe In Birth Control"

Moses "Can't do a Hungarian Abortion" Forrester.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Moses "didn't show up for work the day they did the mandatory vasectemies and hoped no one would follow up" Forrester

Velo Martingale

Damn you, Time Bastard Drakov, you memorable villain!

FancyShark

Curse you right in your distinguishing features!

Velo Martingale

He's got an eye!

Possibly two!

FancyShark

More than Priest has at this point

Velo Martingale

RIP Judas, you melty hero

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

He took the word "drake" which means "dragon" and Russianed it. Top tier villain naming

FancyShark

What was Hawke's original name? I remember he's Russian, but not his original name

Brendan!™

Yermakov

Velo Martingale

Hawkov

Brendan!™

Nic

FancyShark

Thanks!

Brendan!™

In Russian, Yerma is mean Haw

Kov mean ke

Very good trade, i throw in potato

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

No potato, only turnip.

gellaho

Good news, my phone can't connect to the server

Velo Martingale

That's not good news at all!

FancyShark

All the servers seem to be acting up

Velo Martingale

Did Drakov do it?

FancyShark

I'm getting notifications from other servers about connectivity issues

Brendan!™

Turnip for Name? Upon my son's hairs on his head I will SPLIT YOUR BLOOD.

Velo Martingale

Oof

gellaho

Alright, I'm going to have to do my laptop setup, this shoudl only take a second

Velo Martingale

Right in the important bit

Brendan!™

Don't worry, we can always travel back in time to the important bit.

Velo Martingale

I appreciate that they posted an update 1 minute after the initial announcement

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Heeeheee, I curse your book channel

FancyShark

No blood. Only salt.

Velo Martingale

"Hey everyone we didn't fix this in 60 seconds"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

yeah a couple of my personal servers are not responding. I can confirm Hotdogtide is still there but the other one is just nope.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I BEAT YOUR FATHERS HEAD WITH THE SLACK AND UNDERUSED PARTS OF A BEAR!

Brendan!™

GOOD RUSSIAN SALT, NOT TWENTY VERSTS FROM HERE

gellaho

Phoenix slowly figures out it's Drakov

Brendan!™

I will summon the giant to wade the Black Sea for the iceberg of salt

Velo Martingale

Dost Drakov Khan blending right in

FancyShark

Take gruel. Is made of finest Russian sadness and beet

gellaho

FancyShark

He pronounces "jihad" like "Jared"

Sumerian Dick Curse Javo

Sir you are gonna hear from Star Trek's lawyers

FancyShark

Hi, @Sumerian Dick Curse Javo !

Hawke don't give a fuuuuuuck

Brendan!™

"All great men of brown history were actually white men in disguise" is a heck of a book pitch.

FancyShark

Not a great look, Simon

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

The logic behind Ancient Aliens

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

A specific white man no less!

gellaho

It doesn't go great

FancyShark

This parable isn't as popular as the one about crossing a river with a bag of grain

gellaho

(this came out before Next Gen)

Velo Martingale

Oh no! Fox! Sable!

I'll always remember you!

FancyShark

They were so mentioned!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They are the ones who will be hearing from Hawkes lawyers! Hawkes Legal Eagles, who are literal eagles.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Andre and Finn are accosted by mysterious beings from the future

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I didn't even realize they died

Velo Martingale

I'll carry your memories with me as a flame against the darkness to come!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I am so bad at reading this book

gellaho

It's extradimensional Lucas!

FancyShark

Death made him sassy

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Grey instead of black! What a wacky change!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

TIME!

gellaho

Just like a Brit to not acknowledge the sovreignty of the United States in 1897

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I like how unprepared they are for an alternate universe counterpart even tho they were specifically briefed about this very thing.

Velo Martingale

"I came from another dimension to be more interesting!" He shoutedbefore being shot

the entire rest of the book is more Priestses showing up and dying immediately

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I never thought an alternate version of me would happen to me

gellaho

He incapacitates them

Ferroday is a woman, too!

hey fair warning right now @gellaho they're doing rolling server outages on discord so this place might drop any second

FancyShark

Damn. Alterna-Priest is not fucking around

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Could they not just call him Priest2?

gellaho

I just got access back on my phone, but thanks all the same

Velo Martingale

Oh no! This Priest is a loose canon!

Brendan!™

It's the Time Cops. We'll vanish and never know it.

FancyShark

Alternate Andre is going to be exactly the same as regular Andre and I might have to lie down

gellaho

And they teleports away with their big warp disks

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Not me. I will live on in the hearts and minds of 12th century French peasants

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Is Andre another repeat character?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yes.

FancyShark

She's the 12th Century French knight who keeps kicking everyone's ass

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

She rules.

And is the obvious real main character.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Oh, I was calling her "Cross" in my mind

FancyShark

That's her last name. We're bad about consistency with these names

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

So is the book!

gellaho

Meanwhile, Drakov gets high

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

These are soldiers right, so they go by last names

(And Andre is a boy's name in my mind, so I missed that detail)

FancyShark

They are and they do. Hawke...doesn't always do that

gellaho

After the last adventure, Drakov accidentally escaped onto an alternate dimension

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

booooo

gellaho

She was a knight in the 12th century, so she took a male name