114: Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection Simon Hawke

FancyShark

Exhaustively debriefed and wrung dry

Brendan!™

A mirror image of this universe, except women had tattoos and ham was made of rhino.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

If I could time travel I would just use it to get a comfortably wealthy life and spend the rest of my days getting high and fucking across time, and sampling local cuisine.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

The timeline was exactly the same, but with major differences

Velo Martingale

booooooo

gellaho

So, you remember when Lucas set off that grenade and blew up half his face?

FancyShark

Yeah?

gellaho

Yeah, that caused the split timeline

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

No.

FancyShark

hahaha

Dammit, Lucas

Velo Martingale

Which one's Lucas?

FancyShark

Priest

Velo Martingale

Oh right melty face

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The currently dead one.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

He had a timeline bearing face

Velo Martingale

The one who looks like a girlled cheese you forgot about

gellaho

Yeah, so the grenade sent it's extra energy to another dimension, right?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sure

Velo Martingale

Wait, all of their grenades...

oh god damn it

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Was this a time grenade?

gellaho

He nuked another dimension

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

so warp grenades are canon-fuckers

FancyShark

Yeah. It sends the energy to a different galaxy, right?

gellaho

So, they're not happy about it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

good

Velo Martingale

Motherfucker

FancyShark

hahahahahahaha

Gonna have to report that to R&D

Velo Martingale

I can't decide if that's stupid or brilliant

FancyShark

It's Hawke. It's both.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Wait, are they talking about the Holocaust or a holocaust?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hahahahaha they were the baddies all along, just as I was beginning to suspect.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

seems extra dumb to kill off lucas right before revealing that he helped nuke an alternate earth

shouldn't we have made him grapple with that moral burden?

Velo Martingale

Who?

gellaho

And now we're in Temple of Doom

FancyShark

DAMMIT

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

up next "You are also under the impression that you are the original timeline, when you absolutely are not. Dracula isnt real in like 70% of timelines."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"in most timelines we wear hats on our feet and hamburgers eat people"

FancyShark

"Wait, you use toilets for WHAT?"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Actually about 60 percent of your whole deal relates to fictional characters and events."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha these dumb other timeline guys don't know how to use the three seashells

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Man, we got the shitty Dracula-free one 😔

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"We dont even have toilets anymore. We use the three seashells."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

scooped ya

gellaho

Apparently, Finn doesn't exist in the other timeline

FancyShark

"And he owed me...uh...fifty bucks. Yeah."

Velo Martingale

Kali Ma! Kali Ma!

Who's the third person in the team?

FancyShark

Finn Delaney

gellaho

Looks like they blew up the Time Peace timeline. Oops.

Velo Martingale

No I remember Finn, he fucked his way through a castle

It was awesome

Brendan!™

Dammit Lucas, you're a loose canon.

gellaho

And, to be fair, it's not just Lucas's grenade

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"No, actually, wait go back, we kind of would like to hear about some of those solutions you thought of."

gellaho

But I'd prefer that it was

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hey, there's a new queensland

FancyShark

This is a Warhammer 40K reimagining of It's a Wonderful Life

FancyShark

Every time a grenade explodes, a universe gets wiped out

gellaho

Certainly some morality concerns, but also? Fuck you

Brendan!™

Landmines: not even once

Stop nuking The Bleed for kicks, you dinguses

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

You can't claim ignorance when chucking portable nukes at a timeline

FancyShark

"But if you like, we can make this all go away if you sign up for our newsletter and pay the monthly fee"

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

You're going to do some splash damage somewhere

Bring a handgun or light saber if you want precise kills

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Knife missile stays winning!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

to be fair I would probably have assumed that the damage was happening in the same reality as me

gellaho

Priest2's plan is to fuck up our timeline so much, they completely split

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

to be unfair, lucas did a holocaust lol

gellaho

Or all universes explode, but no risk it, no biscuit

FancyShark

"As revenge, we are creating Rob Schneider"

Velo Martingale

Damn you!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Eh. Its all going to explode at some point, might as well be someones fault.

Velo Martingale

You take him back, Priest!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Why can't the two timelines just get along?

FancyShark

FEEL THE SUFFERING YOU HAVE CAUSED

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Just live together

gellaho

You killed a million of our people, what if we eradicate you?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Because fuck those guys.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

That seems to be the in-book logic

FancyShark

"We could tell you how to stop war, but you got some on us."

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Its the logic of most conflicts ever, I think.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the highly advanced peaceful timeline is screaming for blood

good worldbuilding

gellaho

Twist

FancyShark

I stand by my Warhammer 40K comparison

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Now now, they didnt say they were PEACEFUL, just not doing Time War.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

don't get your perfectly good reason in my petty snark

FancyShark

dawwwww. Priest and Cross are alternamarried

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Also Lucas2 was cool enough to pull Andre2?!

FancyShark

Which seems obvious with those names together

gellaho

Meanwhile, Dr Darkness chides Phoenix

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

And now Lucas2 is going to take Andre1 into his timeline, but this book isn't genre savvy enough to pull off a Guardians of the Galaxy 3

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Tachyons!

gellaho

Darkness transports him to his future lab via headlock

FancyShark

lol

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Darkness is the baddie?

FancyShark

Operating on cartoon physics

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Dr. Darkness, smart enough to do superscience, not smart enough to put his books away in a decent system of alphabetization.

FancyShark

Good guy, oddly. He's the deus ex machina

Or he was in the last book

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hes just kind of an asshole.

gellaho

Always good to be the first in an untested trial

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I've decided he sounds like Tim Curry

FancyShark

oh hell yes

It's canon now

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Instantly changed how I feel about him.

Now hes a loveable asshole.

gellaho

He's just fucked up his molecular structure doing time experiments

FancyShark

Now, even if he becomes a baddie, he's still lovable

gellaho

He's the one who invented the warp grenades, for what it's worth

FancyShark

ooo, right

Still, Curry absolutely works

Velo Martingale

The ones that nuke alternate universes?

Oops

Look he's just a lil scamp

gellaho

Symbiotracers, baby

FancyShark

"I only microchipped the person that statistically catches every projectile with his face"

gellaho

Metaphors are fun

FancyShark

Up yours, colorblind

gellaho

I did remember, Simon

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Gellaho Remembers! Gellaho Farm Cookies.

Velo Martingale

Darkness, don't feel like that

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I never thought nuclear bombs could cause widespread damage

Velo Martingale

You should feel much, much worse

gellaho

That does seem like a problem

Velo Martingale

There were like two nukes that killed people on purpose. We've thrown dozens of these grenades, possibly hundreds

FancyShark

Darkness, your first plan should not be "unravel reality"

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The opposite of entropy? Doing Stuff.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

What is the Fate Coefficient on this grenade?

Velo Martingale

Acceleration

gellaho

So after, I don't know, ten pages, Dr Darkness's advice is to stall

FancyShark

FancyShark

Stalling after ten pages feels meta

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

HELL YEAH DOUBLE DOWN ON THE TIME WAR!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

TIME WAR

Velo Martingale

DOUBLE TIME WAR

QUICK THROW GRENADES AT IT

gellaho

Meanwhile, our heroes see some jetpacks

gellaho

Excuse me, jet-paks

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Now that we know the grenades nuke people we hate TWICE, theres literally no reason to stop using them!"

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

The future is full of jet-paks and go-gurt

Velo Martingale

Grenade Darkness, it'll make him feel better

FancyShark

"What if we make the grenades only half-explode? Still kill the target but not the other universe?"

Velo Martingale

"What if we not be lame, have you considered that?"

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

"Look, aiming a gun is hard. We need a tactical missile to remove Jim from the timeline"

Brendan!™

Can't wait for this book to reveal all the white guys nuking the variant timelines were actually Afghani princes in whiteface.

Velo Martingale

Carpet. Bomb. The Multiverse. With Nukes.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

It's heroic when we nuke time, it's terrorism when they do it

Brendan!™

Loki S3: The Hawke Ultimatum

Velo Martingale

Fuck you, Time!

Brendan!™

They hate us for our free time.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"If we do it right, he can stop existing BACKWARDS in time as well as forwards!"

gellaho

In order to escape, they form a human pyramid to allow Gunga Din to climb the sheer rock cliff

FancyShark

Do your patriotic duty. Find a clock and tell it to go to hell.

Brendan!™

Ortheris the Greek Briton.

Only there's a prossie lives oop the way on Greek Street, don'tshe

gellaho

This is very similar to how the Hardy Boys attempted to disarm a bomb in Dead on Target

FancyShark

It also ended in the death of a universe

They're not very good at bomb defusal

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Except Gunga Din is no replacement for Chet.

FancyShark

No one ever is

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Chet would simply eat the British.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Yeah, but they're just teens. Not trained time soldiers

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Yet.

FancyShark

Joe is immortal. He'll get there. And Frank is a robot. He's just an upgrade away.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

They did time travel in that one Tom Swift book too, so they have SOME experience.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

So I thought I knew what the Hardy Boys were (Nancy Drew, for boys), but apparently I am way off

Velo Martingale

Time killed my goldfish and I will have my revenge

FancyShark

No, you're thinking of them right. We've just made discoveries in the readings

gellaho

After that, they steal a laser gun from someone named Martin

gellaho

I don't remember who Martin is

FancyShark

Martin Freeman

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Honestly, Nancy doesnt get to do cool shit like fight the dad of the hot girl in a kung fu duel to the death, she should tho.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I thought Nancy did plenty of cool shit

gellaho

That's the problem with physical books, search functionality isn't great

Brendan!™

Timeline-CALLIE has been destroyed

FancyShark

REPEATEDLY

gellaho

I mean, she gets hit over the head a lot

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Like, I enjoy a protagonist who thinks her way out of conflict, and solves problems, rather than just punching and shooting everything

gellaho

To be fair, I've only read four Nancy Drews of the same era, it's possible I've just missed the crazy shit

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

It's why I'll always love Star Trek more than Star Wars, dad

gellaho

She also has not thought her way out of problems in the one's I've read, but could be the same thing I said before

Brendan!™

Just once I want to read the story where some dude goes back to Rome and pretends to be the Mithras or something with his nutritious, 6'+ tall frame and straight teeth, and gets his shit wrecked because ancient and foreign peoples aren't all idiots.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Mistakes a normal if a little weird Eastern European boy for a vampire and has to be convinced several times he just has a genetic condition is still my favorite Nancy Drew plot so far.

gellaho

That was a weird manga thing, but sure

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Until someone proves otherwise the weird mangas are canon.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I read maybe 15 Nancy Drew books between the ages of 10-14, I can't remember a single fucking thing

gellaho

Really wish I could remember who Martin is

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Im almost certain they mentioned him earlier.

Velo Martingale

Martin Churchill

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

gellaho

Gunga Din starts praying to Dr Darkness

Velo Martingale

Maybe don't do that, Din. I don't think it's going to work out great for you, Din.

Maybe go get some water Din, I think that was your whole thing

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Oh this one is wearing black. I wonder what color the next character wears? Charcoal?

FancyShark

Din reacted the same way when he met a comptroller. This isn't special treatment.

Velo Martingale

@gellaho genuine question that can't not sound like a joke: Do they ever meet Tom Sawyer in these books?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Dr. Darkness, super genius, can't understand Hindi.

AND LIVES IN A TIME WHERE A MOTHERFUCKER CAN DOWNLOAD IT INTO HIS BRAIN.

gellaho

I don't believe so

Brendan!™

I read Hardy Boys books from the '50s in the wee hours, and same. All I remember is a kind of nice, safe, warm feeling. I see their success in offering danger but inevitably sense and safety.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh so from before they stopped terrorists then.

gellaho

Should've read the contemporary ones, they were crazy as shit

Brendan!™

Yeah, '50s ones with blue spines never tried to make them cool. That was the '90s' bag.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I remember Nancy Drew had two friends, George, who was a girl, and the fat one, whose personality is "eats"

Brendan!™

Like that awesome guitar riff from the TV opening credits

Brendan!™

Lady-Chet.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Pretty sure the fat girl ways meant to be, like 140lbs based on the cover art

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I liked how the manga drew George, I think the artist didnt get a memo about her and just went from a name.

Brendan!™

A titaness! I hope she d-d-d-doesn't gulp crushmeunderhermightyheels

gellaho

Andre is involved in a time Mexican standoff

Brendan!™

How do you even draw a fat anime character?

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

George was raised by a father who wanted a son and that was supposed to be cute and not a horrible way to raise a kid

gellaho

I think you've forgotten about manga Chet

FancyShark

Either you pay lip service to their weight but still draw them rail thin or they're a living circle

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And the manga artist made George kind of accidentally enby.

gellaho

Luckily, Dr Darkness teleports in and vaporizes everyone

gellaho

FancyShark

Deus ex Darkness. Again.

gellaho

Are you sure that's not Ned? They look identical

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I looked up "fat anime" for an example but, uh, look...they were all dressed...

But you know

gellaho

Or Frank Hardy

That artist is terrible

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

To be fair, no. Not even a little.

gellaho

Anyway, Dr Darkness teleports everywhere

FancyShark

They did the best with what they had. And what they had was very little ability.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Sometimes you cut and paste the same face three times.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Darkness did one thing and now he's exhausted. Can relate

Brendan!™

"Hi," said the Darkness, manifesting before me.

gellaho

Apparently, some guy in the future fucked with the history implants which erased Churchill from the archives

FancyShark

You have to start somewhere

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And that was how a surprisingly good game started. (The Darkness was great yall.)

FancyShark

Someone did a ctrl+F find and replace on Churcill

gellaho

Their plan was to kill Churchill in order to vastly change the timelines

Unfortunately for them, Priest was a total nerd

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Foiled by a man who owns a book!

gellaho

Time to save Churchill, who they've somehow gotten separated from

Velo Martingale

Damn you, Books!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

As an American I balk at the idea that Churchill was that important

Churchill is a B Tier historical figure IMO

FancyShark

If he's so great, why isn't he on Mt Rushmore?

Checkmate, England

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It would be funny if all this laser fights and shit convinces Churchill to just become a D tier early 20th century sci fi writer with Opinions about the Irish.

gellaho

Meanwhile, the three British stereotypes put on disguises and fuck up Drakov

Velo Martingale

They need to find him. He could be anywhere. He could be murdered in France, he could be murdered on the seas and oceans, he could be murdered on the beaches!

FancyShark

Big bad getting rolled by nerds

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Is it just me, or are these actions scenes really hard to follow?

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

they'll really cancel anybody these days, huh

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

You mean in those days

FancyShark

They're kind of like watching actions scenes during a movie stream here. You can't always see what's happening, but it sounds cool

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

What makes me laugh is that the early 20th century was incredibly eventful, and youd think part of a time war would involve like........the two first global conflicts, so erasing the files should be very noticeable.

gellaho

Andre and Finn are having a great time

Velo Martingale

hi andre and finn, glad you're here

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Oh right, they do things.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Andre let the man be tense

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Look, Simon, if you want you can just write books about how cool Dr. Darkness is and his cool adventures.

gellaho

The three British stereotypes lose control of Drakov

FancyShark

Every time Simon thinks up a new character, it's his new toy until he gets bored and thinks up another

Velo Martingale

Bloimy!

FancyShark

This British invasion was much easier to repel

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It always is, the secret is making sure they dont have Maxim guns.

Or at least if they do you also have some.

gellaho

Boy, I love that first sentence so much

FancyShark

Driven mad by The Talk

gellaho

Gotta love that this recap is coming this late in the book

gellaho

Velo Martingale

ehhhh didn't need it. There's Churchill's to save!

gellaho

When should I reintroduce my bad guy's background? Eh, last twenty pages

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

She had failed, but she had not failed

gellaho

I don't think they were ever formally called that, but better late than never