114: Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection Simon Hawke

FancyShark

Dammit, Hawke!

You were sitting on Time Pirates this whole time?!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Let's switch the story to them

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

Meh. Time Bandits was better

gellaho

That was the last book anyway

This is a very complicated plan

FancyShark

It's a very simple plan with only every possibility of going wrong

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

It depends on Russia to give a shit

And Russia famously does not

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

War with Russia, the most eminently bulliable empire.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Russia is no stranger to starting wars, but you can't rely on them to just attack

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Fun fact, around this time period was the Russo-Japanese War, which the Russian empire lost by being incompetent on a historical scale.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

And America and the UK will sometimes stand up to Russia, but not always

So...yeah. What Gellaho said, too complicated

gellaho

Kinda takes the tension out of the situation

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

WAtch any potential Russian reprisal be foiled by an infestation of venomous snakes on board their ships.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

It was a tough, but the guys with guns managed to eke out a victory over the guys with swords

gellaho

Finn gets shot in the arm

Brendan!™

He and Lovecraft swapped places in this timeline.

FancyShark

Finn auditioning for the role of Priest

Velo Martingale

Noooo! Finn!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

What did Finn do? Was he like the towel guy?

Brendan!™

She had failed but not really.

gellaho

Andre immediately has a complete understanding of the situation

Brendan!™

When does the guy on the bike pedal in?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Howard gets gassed in the fields of Verdunn and dispatched by a shovel wielding Swabian boy.

gellaho

He's typically the guy who falls in love with the lead ladies, but there's no lead lady in Gunga Din

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Hell have to fuck Gunga Din.

FancyShark

Finn is the Riker of the group

gellaho

He hasn't seen the portal that looks like Bart Simpson's head for this dimension

Bicycling Through Space and Time was so fucking stupid

Velo Martingale

How dare you

It was magetic

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Well we can't let the Riker be killed. Unless he's more like a tragedy boy

gellaho

Meanwhile, Dr Darkness has magic guns

Velo Martingale

I think Priest was our Tragedy Boy here

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Is that a molecular disruptor in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

FancyShark

Second Dr. Darkness. Hawke just had an idea for another book

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

D'awwww

gellaho

Andre rapidly teleports

gellaho

The lightning teleportatiom results in much ass kicking

Velo Martingale

Quick throw a grenade!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Hip fire that grenade!

gellaho

And, now: face to face with Priest2

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Quick! Say something only Andre2 would say!

FancyShark

Andre continues to rule

Velo Martingale

Quick! Grenade! Shove it in Mark Priest's throat!

Brendan!™

hahaha, eat a dick, adjacent timelines

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

KILL THAT PRIEST!

FancyShark

oh wait

Andre2

gellaho

Then Finn runs him through

gellaho

Priest has now died twice

Brendan!™

The bayonet that ran the man through was embloodened.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Get bayonetted, dork.

Thats why you never hesitate to shoot your spouses alternate self.

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

We're going to need an old Priest and a young Priest.

Fresh ones, anyway.

Brendan!™

If I get a time machine, there aren't going to be wars. Everyone gets shunted to the Big Crunch to use up all the resources they want

Time Fuckin' II: Coke Mountain

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

So by the laws of fiction, Andre must marry Finn

gellaho

So Priest died while looking at his wife, that has to be pretty weird

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

But not his wife

gellaho

Churchill's fine

Velo Martingale

Turns out Churchill wasn't even there

gellaho

Vroom vroom

FancyShark

haha

If McCoy had been a god

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

yeah im sure third times the charm when it comes to killing your time bastard son.

gellaho

Ah, yes, the Gordon Highlanders. The sounds of my people

Brendan!™

Does Forrester get a cool codename?

gellaho

Fun fact, Simon Hawke wrote the 69th original series Star Trek book

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"Big Whoopsie Dick"

gellaho

Meanwhile, Gunga Din has developed the ability to produce knives and guns from his body

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Give him a raise

FancyShark

Fucking sweet

Velo Martingale

He won't need that raise

Or those knives

gellaho

You don't need to know the context for this

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Must be summoning with a war horn

Badger (ENEMY STAND: 『POOP MAN』)

you joke but there's a moment in The Wounded Sky where McCoy gets described like a minor deity

Velo Martingale

Just like the poem

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

The battlefield is lonely and sometimes you just need someone.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Mid-combat?!

gellaho

He gets shot repeatedly blowing on a bugle

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

It could be the last thing you do! Theres no time to wait!

Velo Martingale

"With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the green.

When the cartridges ran out,

You could hear the front-ranks shout,

Blow, Din! Blow for all you're worth!"

FancyShark

Nooooo! Din!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I'm not falling for that a fifth time

gellaho

That's apparently the last line of the poem

Velo Martingale

NO! Who could have possibly seen this coming!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Turns out tooting a horn while under fire is a bad idea.

Velo Martingale

" By the livin' Gawd that made you,

You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!"

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Let it be known I guessed the context

gellaho

Brendan!™

"Sorry I was a dick to you now that the damage is irrevocable" is a very British metaphor.

Velo Martingale

Although it does kind of... leave the heroic part of the poem?

You know, the part where the guy realizes just how great Gunga Din is? Is that in this book?

gellaho

Better forget about that, though, laser battle

Velo Martingale

Or are we just cliffnoting this?

Oh nevermind

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Ah good, so the characters from the 27th century have learned the same lesson that should have been learned in 1920

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"If only I didnt have this dashed load of responsibility, Gunga Din, I wouldnt have had to beat you so often. They should call this something catchy, like "Caucasian cargo" or something."

gellaho

I mean, yeah

Velo Martingale

Not you, Hawke

gellaho

It's probably in here, I generally skip the parts that just tell the original story

Because who could care

Velo Martingale

And in doing so you make better art

I want to be very clear that's not sarcasm

gellaho

And so, the alternate timeline is immediately defeated

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

Kinda

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

How? What?

Velo Martingale

what

Did Gunga do it?

Was he the timehole?

gellaho

First several of the people are horribly caught between timelines

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Somehow, the troops were defeated

Velo Martingale

That'd be a crazy twist

we have to kill Gunga Din

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Hah, fuck those people

Velo Martingale

Fuck you, Time Bitches

FancyShark

We ended war with only a few people sent to Hell. Good job, everyone!

gellaho

Time to gaslight some fictional people from the past

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Those alternate timeline nerds suck at time war, they should have thought of that before starting a perpetual time war.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

That's what you get for...fighting to separate the timeline...which is what you wanted. But you went about it in rude way

gellaho

LIIIIIIPS

Brendan!™

The final stage of colonialism is sentimentalization. That said, in this timeline it's apparently telportation.

Velo Martingale

"Oi knew ya couldna be trusted, Mulvaney, ya damn oirish rogue!"

gellaho

Phoenix attempts to assassinate Drakov, but fails

FancyShark

If there's one thing the British are good at, it's not dwelling on the past and their involvement in it

Velo Martingale

Ahhhh eat shit Phoenix

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I still don't know who half these characters are, and I sat through this whole book

Velo Martingale

Welcome to Time Wars!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Goddammit someone please fucking kill Drakov.

gellaho

And he's escaped yet again

Velo Martingale

I wasn't doing a bit when I couldn't tell if Lucas had been in other books

FancyShark

Wait, is Phoenix Martin?

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Inspector Gadget! Get himmmmm!

Velo Martingale

Or is Martingale Martin?

Brendan!™

Those men! Down there! Fighting and dying amid our system of gaslights!

Nope, don't see anything.

Velo Martingale

Is his name Phoenix Martingale?

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

He has style?

Velo Martingale

What the fuck why didn't our parents name us that

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

He just screamed and ran!

FancyShark

like a boss

gellaho

I'm sure this didn't affect him in any way

gellaho

FancyShark

Dude needed some reason to drink that much

Velo Martingale

And that's why he became an alcoholic

FancyShark

SCOOPED

Velo Martingale

Spiritually scooped

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

And more racist.

Velo Martingale

So about the Bike guy

gellaho

Everybody loves Andre

Velo Martingale

From space and time

he wrote some other stuff that looks wild

FancyShark

He's dead and in hell where he belongs

Brendan!™

We shall fight them in he timestream, we shall fight them in the teleportals.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

I mean, yeah we all love Andre.

gellaho

Funeral time!

Brendan!™

The oldest award means nothing here.

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Lucas Priest, Twice Dead Loaf of Wonderbread. RIP.

Brendan!™

RIP Lucas Priest, whom we can go hang out with again anytime we want.

FancyShark

Vargas begins his eulogy.

"What is the deal with being dead?"

Velo Martingale

🎵 Beat the drums slowly and play the fife lowly, sound the death march as you carry me a long. Come lay out your nysteel all over my coffin, for I'm a time soldier cut down in me prime 🎶

RIP Lucas, who was, I have confirmed, present.

Brendan!™

The timestreams of Laredo

gellaho

Best consolidate for the new Time War

Velo Martingale

Really? Priest got the medal of honor?

Really?

FancyShark

Yep. A free copy of Medal of Honor

Velo Martingale

I mean it's sad that he's dead but... really?

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

From now on this new body will be called TITAY

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Time Administration!

gellaho

Medal time

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

FancyShark

It's a temporal star, so it vanishes after three hours

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Taking care of boo eez ness

gellaho

Editing is for cowards

Brendan!™

In the 27th Century, buisness is a crucial component of the post-scaricty economy.

gellaho

Here comes Phoenix with his fifth name

Velo Martingale

Colonel Phoenix Martingale Steiger Johanson

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Oh so now the uniforms are black

So hard to track sides

FancyShark

"Let me be clear. When I say you're supposed to be dead" <gunfire> "I mean STAY DEAD"

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Jr.

gellaho

He brings them surgical gifts

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

Colonel Creed "9\11 Tribute Halftime Show" Stiegler.

Velo Martingale

CPA

FancyShark

Hell yes on the new title, @Velo Martingale

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Esq.

Velo Martingale

Who's Lucas?

gellaho

Hey, look Simon's here

FancyShark

DAMMIT

Velo Martingale

Hell yes The Court Place Boookshop, good job

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

The story could have taken point at any time

Velo Martingale

Fine Arts Gallery... meh

FancyShark

Simon, put the encyclopedia away

gellaho

General Wizardry

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

But he still moved the timeline of Churchill's ACTUAL LIFE to fit his story, instead of the other way

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

"The laser fight was mine, but the depression of realizing Churchill could have been picked off by an Afghan tribesman with a handmade matchlock is very real."

Velo Martingale

Wait I think he typoed

Surely he menat Court Palace

Bill Barr star of Breaking Bad?

gellaho

We have defeated Time Wars #6: The Khyber Connection

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

Guys, Dr. Darkness is real!

FancyShark

We did it!

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I learned nothing!

I will repeat my mistakes!

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho ! Great riffing, everyone!

Flippant Sausage, rebunned

More Voosted Book Cages?!

gellaho

So concludes the 114th Edition of The Book Cage

Velo Martingale

Oh my god you preserved the little helmet gleam, that's so perfect

Thank you @gellaho !

gellaho

May you all be killed protecting historical figures

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I will be an irregular guest, like the meat parties

Brendan!™

Like the legendary bird I rise again under increasingly new and confusing names.

Velo Martingale

I only hope my death inadvertantly nukes a multiverse somewhere

Brendan!™

I love the Hawke idiosyncrasy of digging deep into some minor detail to the point of befuddled musing while ignoring the high concept.

Velo Martingale

Fuck you multiverse! How about Nothing, Nowhere, all at Nonce!

gellaho

The Year of Pain will soon draw to a close. The Steeliversary is nigh

Brendan!™

Feels like he could have just placed his story then?

Whoof, that one was a timeslog

and a times log!

Made better by the appearance of Vooster, aka Phoenix, dba Col. Creed Steiger.

Vooster's Holiday Vacation

I felt so out of my depth here, as 1) not a sci-fi reader and 2) an hour late

Velo Martingale

Neither being on time nor having been here for the previous installments would help!