The Book Cage: Episode #123
Tom Swift ®️ #9: Fire Biker
Beware of Captain Invisible and his vigilante fire bike! Tom & Sandra Swift have invented the peanut butter & chocolate of inventions: a jet-powered cycle and a perfect flame-retardant suit. And I guess Sandra Swift is also an inventor now? Find out more, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
I'm in
I'm always in, but I'm even more in than usual now
Little under an hour until Tom Swift #9: Fire Biker. Here is your preview
This sounds too rad for a Tom Swift book
BOOK
CAGE
Hi, @Velo, Electric Ghost !
Hi @FancyShark !
Time to begin the process
Hi, @gellaho !
Let's burn some bikes!
You're not my real dad, heavy motorcycle and Harrier jet!
Yeah, fuck those bikes! Get four wheels, idiots!
Tom naturally plagiarizes better machines
Also, "throat mike"? Does Swift Sr. have a damaged larynx?
Oh, only half the speed of sound on the uncovered hover bike?
Seems safe
A bug smacking into your helmet would probably hit like a .50 bullet at that speed
Rick might still be a caveman
Hi Rick, glad you're back
"Mistake"? Tom, he added bitchin' flames
Tom knows not to let Rick near paint
Rick likes the taste too much
Rick lost twenty years of life expectancy to a week worth of whippets condensed down to three hours
I think Tom has a real soft head
Rick you don't need to remind Tom that Sandra is his sister
God damn whippet damage
Getting dressed amongst the volatile chemicals
"Now THIS is fire biking!"
HELLO, @Brendo !
Painting something is the only way Rick can show affection. Damned whippets
25,000 feet in the air at half the speed of sound would kill you four ways unless the force field is a given.
Really weird that they're acting like Sandra is in the invention game as much as Tom
Yeah flex those knees, Tom
The hood seals off Tom's airway and he suffocates in front of his sister and best friend.
"There we go," Sandra says.
The breathing snout
So, a gas mask
A fun evening of collecting refuse and oily rags
She does Girl-Science inventing fabrics.
Arson is the only thing that makes the Swift children feel like normal kids
… Why
the Swift children never invent second-drafts, do they?
Oh right the suit is supposed to be fireproof
Aaaaaaaaaaaandddd she's dead
Time to throw atom into the fire!
Oh
She burned the good shit
Damn whippets
Tom's having a great time playing with fire while his sister dies
You know this makes sense
If they're in the same room, and he needs a gas mask to be safe, and she isn't wearing one…
Yeah the math checks out
Good lord
Tom stared into the fire, feeling...well, FEELING
Yep that's how Sandra is dying
Sandra mourned her friend for minutes
Sandra was inspired by the screams of a dying child. It would be wrong to call them friends, for the Swift children considered all beneath their intellect and would mate only with each other through in vitro methods, which were sanitary.
Ah, buckyballs. Somebody took Chemistry I in high school
This is how my sister's teacher died around the time this book was written.
Hell yeah. Buckyballs rule
so...good job, scifi
Sandra wanted to honor her friend who died of smoke inhalation but in the process she forgot that smoke inhalation was a thing and is now dying of it
Unstable molecule suit GO
Some would call her death a copycat death. Sandra would call it a tribute.
Well, the smoke has become so thick as to make visibility zero. I'm sure Sandra is fine
Tom wished he had asked questions before they started a massive fire indoors.
It's probably fine
Tom knows his sister isn't protected because he's a boy genius
So to be clear Sandra started dying before the doors closed
Tom, your sister is so hot.
Megatron's fire response could use some reworking
Naming their computer after one of the most famous robot villains in pop culture never stops being silly
Shocked Megatron didn't just deal the room and suck the air out
Hey, moron, put the suit on the robot
Tom, your sister is so vacuous.
Nah they need to check that the jet still jets properly
They don't have any protocols for this?
Tom I know she can technically live for two or three minutes but you should know her brain is dying
You supreme idiot
Tom remembered he knew how to open the door
Hit the foam keycode
Brilliant. Make your emergency system have a PIN number
While you're at it, make sure the defibrillator requires MFA
This is the most exciting start to any Tom Swift book and it is mostly him forgetting his PIN
What good luck
He...had?
Ugh, so embarrassing to almost die
So to sum up everything that just happened
Sandra knew someone who died from smoke inhalation
The only explanation for how quickly sandra's lost consciousness is Tom replaced her DNA with a canarys.
She wanted to build a suit to help fight fires that would be impervious to smoke
Hi, @Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage !
Tom decided to test it personally because he needed his robots to look at his hover bike
What a great test
Sandra disabled the fire alarm then started an oil fire indoors
Girls whos brothers have made them half canary should be the ones wearing the protective suit during experiments involving fumes.
Sandra almost instantly died of smoke inhalation because she forgot that was a thing
I can help summarize that even more, Velo:
Two geniuses started a fire in a sealed room and just barely escaped
And then they almost died because Tom forgot that doors could be opened
The old satellite cannon fuel
Sandra just wrapped Tom in some old asbestos blankets she found.
Tom is making a Death Star
"Violently toxic"
A scientist who can invent a death skycycle but forgets the four-digit door code tracks even better than one who violates OSHA by not making an emergency exit from the living inferno.
And you threw it in the garbage? The Swift compound is a fucking superfund site.
Terrorists in this world would shit themselves inside out if they learned how bad security was at Swift Enterprises
Tom had the shiver
None of the phones will dial 911 until you identify buses in 9 captchas
Rick's been drinking it
Sorry, did he spring to a hospital?
"Dammit, it's not a motorcycle! It's clearly a scooter!"
"JUST CLICK ON IT!"
My captcha record is 11 and I get one free murder with that.
Done got superpowers
All on the advice of Rick
this one has actual DAT scifi
It's going to turn out Rick's vision lobe has been rotted by whippets and no one was ever invisible
Oh dang he did.
Rick spends the rest of the book convinced he's haunted
Oh fuck the last thing Tom needed was superpowers.
Obviously the suit and this toxic gas gave me, Kid Scientist, the ability to remember four digits.
An interesting spelling of mannequin
Unironically would huff toxic gas if it gave me the ability to remember simple number strings.
No one notices because he was already screaming constantly
She was going to enter the fire suit in the science fair so when asked where she got the idea she could tell the whole school again about her friend's horrible demise
The fuck is going on at this high school
Sandra did all this just to make the science fair sadder
The school always sounds way more interesting than anything Tom is doing
It must really suck ass to go to school with the Swift kids.
Tom going to HS is just insulting to all parties.
Tom, your sister's model friend is so cool.
There's another kid who's opened a portal to The Warp, but everyone just calls them a nerd
Tom only has eyes for Rick
Captain nerd
Rick sees a mound of eyes where Tom should be
Tom just goes to school because its legally required and it lets him acquire test subjects.
"Beanpole" isnt even that mean of a nickname, fuck.
Oh hey I just figured out who the mysterious villain is going to be
Even as nerd wish-fulfillment, making the jock a shy dweeb doesn't work. It clashes with the stereotypes you're trying to mock
I could see if they called him like "Needle Dick" pr somehthing.
Bart Heinster
The names of the secondary characters are always choice
Get the bully disk ready
I like the nerdy, shy athlete. It's more realistic. I knew some dope dork-asses who were nevertheless physical geniuses.
the ghost writer absolutely knew a Bart Heinster and Kevin Dekalle
LIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS
Beanpole's real first name was Bruce
And he would show them all one day
The disk is a mix track consisting of Space Jam, 21 times in a row
They go to Nerd High
Beanpole is such a terrible bully nickname, youd think kids going to school with Tom would either be too afraid to bully someone in fear of catching Toms notice, or would be amazing at bullying. Like the real Mozart of being a dick.
Where did they upload the disk?
[cut to the local hospital, where every machine suddenly switches off]
Good lord, they upvoted a COBOL "Spy on Iran? Y/N" prompt onto our fastest 4mb RAM Tandy!
Slow news day
It's 300 BPS, we'll never recall that worm now.
I mean, at that high school, you'd probably guarantee at least a core meltdown
That place must be easy news
If you need feet of clearance on all sides, you aren't going down a well, bud
That girl with the cold fusion model having a bad day
"You can't fly to Heaven, sir. I know because if it were possible, I'd have so many test subjects returned."
I often go to HS science fairs just to tell teens I could build a better strato-cycle.
Pffft! You haven't even accommodated the Worst-Nemo integral yaw gyroscope
Fly by wire away from here
They'll let anyone into high school science fairs these days
What's weirder? This guy is insulting his boss, or only Swift employees know computers can math fast?
I assume a processor like that has a substantial cooling mechanism. Tom? Tom, did you hear me?
It's got big fans on it
Even the guys creeping on teens are nerds in this town.
Don't need cool when you got Tom
My hubris will never be my downfall!
"No man can stop me!"
"Wanna get in my van, little girl? I have all the D&D sourcebooks and Mt. Dew 2 liters."
Plus Rick's cool paint job! Right? Right guys? Guys?
Rick is busy telling a flagpole it's not his real dad
Abruptly we shift to Leo's perspective
No one can steal it from you LEGALLY, Tom. They can still do it with like....... a gun.
Well to be fair, he's right
Hi Leo
I'm excited for when you become a villain
Leo you are getting really paranoid when you choose to attribute every strange interaction you have to the guy doing D tier bullying at your school.
Girls don't like D&D, they're only interested in buckyballs and fire.
Still waiting for one of the ghost writers to have read some Iron Man and do away with the facsimile
No that would be illegal
Maybe not the ones YOU lured into your van.
Read my pamphlet, m'lady
Leo brought a cactus
If anything, Iron Man stole from Tom Swift if you think about it
Sandra can't speed read
Leo ordinarily I would root for you here, but Sandra is just as insane as Tom, has canary DNA, and has a brain like a chimp on a high powered motorcycle.
She will ruin your whole deal.
And you will never go to the ice cream social with her.
I think Leo could learn a lot dating her
A couple of inseparables
Not that she wont accept the invite, but you will never make it there.
Youll be kidnapped by terrorist mole men or something.
Damn it Sandra you're ruining the space jam
"Well, it's not like they'd upload a virus to my Killbot"
"Yeah obviously to fuck with me. They're trying to get their A Grade Bully Certification but its not going well."
Pussy
Cat
I don't lure girls into vans, I walk into cougar bars five minutes before closing with a cassette tape of Poison's greatest hits.
Oh Sandra you minx
Remember when mere pages ago you were dying of smoke inhalation?
What a journey
"Bart being good with computers kind of only extends to "Cant downloade nude JPEGs on his grandmas dial up modem."
Sandra, queen of hearts, you are playing with FIRE. You may think it's a GAS but don't get BURNED by your BURNING passion which BURNS like FIRE and I can't see straight or breath
Damn whippets
This is an immensely mild prank
Oh god poor Leo doesnt have a chance. Hes going to striaght up die.
We all do
Wait is that even a virus?
Come on and slam, and welcome to the- oh lame prank
You could have just rewritten..........theyll never get their A Grade Cert.
Everyone thinks it is hilarious though
Ideal?
Leo harness your anger
Its not even that nasty.
Leo maybe you have an anger problem.
Become The Flying Biker
Stopping a hurt
Huh this could go either way but ultimately neither is good for Leo.
Their virus was a print command, huh
Very advanced "Hello, World!"ing
A hello world that Bart put on a disk because he wasn't sure he'd be able to do it again, it was so complicated
That disk has a single .py file on it
Oh damn, Tom invented AI.
Keep the two girls busy while they...?
Agreeing someone has left is best done in private
Rick doing some spy work
I feel like a judge would just roll their eyes and go "Okay kid, this is an obvious prank, we'll come back in a bit, fix your shit."
Rick's off on a scavenger hunt for unattended Febreze cans
Just kill them Rick.
"Because my brother died of a virus," Rick said, pointing at an azalea bush he'd ripped out of a lawn earlier
Use the knowledge you gained from the time Tom used an electric karate shirt to brainwash you into becoming an unstoppable fighting machine.
Spike one of the most popular kids in Nerd High
Rick this is entrapment
Hahahahhahahahahahahhaha Tom Swift is one of the popular kids?
WE DO ILLEGAL THINGS, DON'T TELL ANYONE
Rick's pretty sure he's a cop now
"Lets go to a second, even more private location with good sound proofing and some available hammers so I can beat your ass..........i mean talk more."
Pffffffft
Rising from behind the desk, OK ghostwriter
"Why does this room smell like fresh lilac?" Bart asked
"Surprise justice!" Shouted Rick Justice, as he beat Bart with a crowbar
"Oh Jesus, oh fuck, its Tom! Remember that time he told us he killed a man and left him in the Jurrasic period as a goof?!"
collage
"Remember that time he devolved Rick and Rick beat the shit out of the football team!?"
RIP
Howdy howdy, just got off work, how's Swift?
Hi, @PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler !
"Remember that time he drove his laser cannon tank thru the center of town fighting that cloned dinosaur?"
"Remember that time he cloned a dinosaur?!"
Not work
So far, you've missed the fireproof suit test that almost killed Tom's sister and the weakest prank ever committed
"The diver's watch is going to be a real problem for what I plan to do to you. You'll regret the day you fucked with Leo Shub."
Oh god, a fate worse than death, working at a mid 80s-90s furniture outlet store!
Well, problem solved
Better that Tom just uses his cancer gun.
Takes too long
Who has time for revenge'
"Hang on," said Tom. "Read this, too."
"I am responsible for the following disappearances, despite them last being seen in the company of Tom Swift..."
Toms cancer gun works instantly, as Guiseppe "Cancer" Bologna found out.
The Heinster dynasty
"Tom Swift I hope you personally do not decide to start blackmailing people, especially not politicians."
It is a trend, your honor
Twelve winners? CASH PRIZES!?
"Tom Swift, who I am personally and directly addressing, please remember that as mayor I have looked the other way on numerous OSHA violations and federal crimes committed by your family."
Cash prize means Jimmy Johns $5 gift card
Using your parents billion dollar company to build your entry for this contest feels like cheating
Leo had to invent google maps all by himself
Atlases gonna Atlas
Cold Fusion Girl built her entry out of popsicle sticks and string. She did not even place in top 12