gellaho
It's very similar to the speech Al-Rousassa gives the Hardy Boys in Chapter 2 of Dead on Target
Spoiler alert about it being Al-Rousassa
123: Tom Swift #9: Fire Biker Victor Appleton
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A wrong turn on the road to discovery can lead through a deadly line of fire!
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Velo, Electric Ghost
Shoot him, Detective
End this
gellaho
Do you read comic books, son
gellaho
Velo, Electric Ghost
GUILTY
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"I think I;m a spoiled rich kid who invented a jet bike and whos dad is so rich I can talk to the fucking president. Ive personally foiled terrorist attacks, destroyed at least one criminal empire, and left a dead man in the Jurassic period to puzzle modern archaeologists. I am God and you do what I say, Dicktective."
Velo, Electric Ghost
Officer Rick Justice drew his gun. He knew where this was going.
FancyShark
"What irresponsible antics? I'm just a normal billionaire child who summoned a black hole in his basement and sent a goon to the Mesozoic Era."
gellaho
School? What's that
FancyShark
"Rick, put down that fern."
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Detective, I have a literal robot army. And a regular army, because my dad is rich and has private security contractors. I once met a genuine alien woman. YOU aRE A BUG TO ME!"
FancyShark
We're only on book eight and "Scaring a criminal" is the escalating incident
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
This detective is maybe the most accurate use of "does not know who hes messing with." ive ever seen.
His suffering will be legendary.
gellaho
Theft has consequences!? Oh, no!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It only has consequences when you DONT have a jetbike and a super suit tho.
gellaho
Nine, but yeah. Eight has something to do with microscopic robots
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Leo just leave it in the woods.
Seriously, just ditch it in the woods and leave a note with Toms security guards.
gellaho
Wheeee! Like I'm riding a broom at Hogwarts
FancyShark
Revved up like a deuce
gellaho
Mama, just killed a man
Velo, Electric Ghost
Leo is covered in radiation burns
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It would be pretty funny if the cops opened fire and it turned out the suit isnt bulletproof and neither is the jet bike.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Fuck yes Leo
FancyShark
His skin is a healthy consistency of gelatin
gellaho
And back to the cops
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Let he who as not crushed a cop with a motocycle cast the first stone.
GODDAMMIT TOM STOP WAKING PEOPLE UP!
gellaho
So creamed
gellaho
Fair's fair, Sandra woke him up first
FancyShark
Sgt Driese's brother Cain immediately produces an alibi without being asked
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Well not THAT good an officer. He once planted a gun on a drifter, and also didnt stop the teen on the jetbike and got himself hurt..............on second thought, he's fired."
gellaho
Might want that cold fusion device
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Yeah every jetbike and suit thief longs for the glory of paper mache baking soda volcano ownership.
FancyShark
Seriously, no one's giving a second glance at COLD FUSION
Velo, Electric Ghost
I'm not even sure he was trying to stop captain invisible
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It was just a model. The other entries were JET BIKE!
I honestly dont know why they even let Tom participate.
gellaho
This is a high school science fair, lady
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
What finest young minds? The rest of those kids are dumb as hell.
He already GOT the good shit.
THOUSANDS?! YOU FUCKING MORON HE ALREADY STOLE A GODDAM JET BIKE!
gellaho
Well, case closed
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh no
FancyShark
"Sounds good. Let's go get lunch."
Velo, Electric Ghost
HE STOLE THE COLD FUSION MODEL
gellaho
Round up everyone with a speech impediment!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Excellent work, Harris. Do the usual and round up the defectives. Shoot to kill."
Brendo
I'm back from an excellent fish dinner.
gellaho
Literally anybody could have moved the mouse, Sandra
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Fucking thousands.........like a goddam F-15 costs like 3.9 million, a jet bike has to be worth a couple million at least, right?
SO goddam mad at that.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Possibly hundreds
FancyShark
Nerd Jock stole the fire suit and jet bike and became a superhero who apologizes for almost running over cops
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Which is a mistake because you NEVER apologize for that.
gellaho
"My surprising invention," said the human being
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its an admission of guilt and is legally admissable.
Sandra how did you make a whole ass suit out of something and not know all the properties?!
Sandra......let me tell you about Marie Curie and what happened to her.
gellaho
That's how energy works, sure
gellaho
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Or those ladies that played with radium paints, Sandra.
FancyShark
lol
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Sandra im pretty sure this violates at least the laws of thermodynamics. Also I dont think fire has kinetic energy.
FancyShark
So the suit is actively mauling his circulatory system
gellaho
You got any rolls?
Brendo
"Sandra will love me if I don the garb of her brother."
FancyShark
Rick picks up a napkin holder and crunches thoughtfully
gellaho
Sure, sure. What?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Leo's heart is gonna pop
FancyShark
"Then it explodes"
gellaho
That's what we call a 70 year callback
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its a good thing the jetbike uses a unique fuel mixture and theres only, one thing that uses it, huh Tom?
gellaho
The TASES
Velo, Electric Ghost
Gottem
gellaho
If you follow TASER rules, which make no sense
Velo, Electric Ghost
Rick can no longer feel hungry or full, so if there is food in front of him he eats until someone stops him
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I assume Toms middle name is Aardvark.
FancyShark
Rick spits out the chair and follows them
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
So its Tom Aardvark Swifts Electric Rifle.
I suppose it could be Aaron but that seems a little unbelievable.
gellaho
Nah, his alias is Captain Invisible, ghostwriter
Velo, Electric Ghost
No
No it's symbolic you see
Like how Batman's real name is Batman, not Bruce
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Goddam Tom you really did a great job with the fuel efficency of this jet bike.
gellaho
It comes from "Tom Swift and His Electronic Rifle." It's baffling
Velo, Electric Ghost
It's the thousandth time I've seen exactly this done, but I get it
gellaho
Let's try returning it again
gellaho
That went well last time
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I have to assume they were just getting tha hang of these new fangled acronyms back then.
I mean if you measure success by number of cops crushed it was great.
gellaho
And assuredly the multi-billion dollar research compound will be less pretected than a high school
FancyShark
Leo getting mowed down by eight trillion laser cannons while trying to return stolen property would be hilarious and poignant
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift has absolutely not installed a grid of laser cannons for anti air defense by now, right?
gellaho
And Leo's wound up in RoboCop
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Surely not yet, after the robot rebellion and the terrorist attacks.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Melt the scum with your powerful jet bike, Leo
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I feel like its not a mugging if you are playing Monkey in the Middle with the mugging victim. its more like random bullying.
gellaho
✅ Redhead
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
shit yeah Commandos is a good ass video game, but thats an anachronistic t shirt.
FancyShark
It seems like bullying, but the lady's insulin is in there, so there is still some danger
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Commandos didnt drop until 1998! Tom must have lent that guy his time machine.
gellaho
You must be Captain Invisible
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Also where the hell does Tom live that muggings happen with any frequency but are so unserious the muggers spend time goofing around where they can be jet murdered?
gellaho
The last thing was actually two things
Velo, Electric Ghost
That's a horrifying realization to have, Leo
FancyShark
CONK
Velo, Electric Ghost
Get back in the delusion, Leo, it's cold out here
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"And I do this by stopping Steve, Larry, and Barf from bullying random people instead of addressing the r oot issues that cause problems in modern society."
gellaho
Presented without comment
FancyShark
Micheal Bay saw Rob before Transformers 2 and said "It's good, but let's give him a little more dignity"
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"What if he rapped?"
Brendo
Megatron's season-length plot continues.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I feel like if any Transformer COULD rap, it should be Soundwave. But he would just choose not to.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Rick's already climbing Rob
FancyShark
"I will hold up the sky while you retrieve the golden apples!"
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Rick starts eating the headrests.
gellaho
Turns out Rob could have done it the whole time
gellaho
Velo, Electric Ghost
Genuine funny moment
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tom programmed Rob to be kind of condescending too.
FancyShark
"Because you wouldn't give me proper legs, Tom"
Velo, Electric Ghost
This might be the best Tom Swift ghostwriter we've found
gellaho
sniff
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Hey Tom, remember when you made my brother Orb only be able to be turned off if you violate his butthole with a screwdriver? Thats why."
gellaho
Oopsie
FancyShark
Rob inhales an entire can of WD-40
I'm liking how Leo is only making things worse by trying to apologize
Comedy of Errors is rare in the Book Cage
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
This detective is going to lose his fucking badge when Tom has a rock solid alibi because he was with two living witnesses and a robot.
gellaho
Jocko's
gellaho
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Yes because fences for stolen cars and bikes can handle moving a one of a kind multimillion dollar easily identified jetbike.
FancyShark
Jocko's Modern Life
gellaho
Looked too big to be real, but it was
Velo, Electric Ghost
Melt him, Leo
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Also its very funny that these three know enough about Tom to know hes loaded and his gadgets are worth a bunch, but not enough to know what happens to people who cross Tom Swift.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Burn down the Emporium
FancyShark
"Perhaps some tasteful oil paintings or rare Grecian urns or- oh, you brought me a nerd"
gellaho
Probably should take a look at him first
Velo, Electric Ghost
"You can't sell people, idiot."
FancyShark
Tom burned out that part of their brians. It's the unwritten tax of living in that town
gellaho
This is a great ransom call
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Wait what? Doesnt Swift Sr. famously not pay ransoms with money but instead hot laser death?"
FancyShark
Yes, holding Tom Swift for ransom is a great plan. It won't result in an army of Doombots raiding your home. And the home of everyone in your family.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Five million dollars in small bills has got to be enough cash to fill the backseat of a car.
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Keep him."
"Dad I'm right here."
"Oh! Hi Tom."
gellaho
Caaaaarrrsssseeeettttiiiii
gellaho
Bring me 500,000,000 pennies
FancyShark
Non-sequential
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Detective, I expect that kind of thing from the swarthy Italians. Have you ever wanted gorilla feet? Just thinking out loud."
gellaho
Oopsie, printed Tom's picture in the paper
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Okay but who doesnt know what Tom Swift looks like by now if the newspaper has his picture on file?
This is absolutely not the first time hes been in the paper.
FancyShark
"I'm new in town. That's why I'm dangerously incompetent. Once I've paid rent for a few months, I'll be a productive member of the force."
gellaho
This is a bold strategy
Velo, Electric Ghost
"I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm not even a cop. I just arrived in town and you gave me a gun."
gellaho
Burglary on top of kidnapping is a way you could go, sure
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Don't even have a badge."
Set. Leo. On. Fire.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Well when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a useless hostage with a super suit, commit felonies with it.
gellaho
And now: a beaten child
FancyShark
Leo, this is not the time for moping
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Jocko worked for the CIA I see.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Buck up, Leo
FancyShark
Bluff or you are losing a thumb
Velo, Electric Ghost
Strong upper lip, think of England
Brendo
You either die a hero or you live long enough to rob jewelry stores because your high school crush won't go to prom with you.
gellaho
And further beatings
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Give him LSD and hell talk.
Velo, Electric Ghost
You can do both
Brendo
Velo, Electric Ghost
Normalize jewelry heists
Brendo
SEEN
gellaho
You sound like that alien Tom tried to get with in the second Hardy Boys crossover
gellaho
The less upsetting one
Not the one where the world ended and both Hardy Boys died
Because that was a thing
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Guess I needed that gadget after all, huh shithead?!"
Brendo
Millennial drivers are killing the jet bike tracking industry
Velo, Electric Ghost
Meanwhile Rick is riding Rob's shoulders and gulping the air, trying to taste jet bike
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Didnt the Boys think Tom murdered or kidnapped their dad or something entirely plausible like that?
gellaho
We have fun
FancyShark
They did and it was awesome
gellaho
More plausible than their dad getting sent back in time and becoming a pulp fantasy author
FancyShark
They laugh to mask the horror
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Yeah I mean.........Tom Swift would absolutely kidnap someones dad.
gellaho
Bring out the Hardy Boys
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Like I have no trouble believing that, its the most logical train of thought the Boys ever had.
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Sandra your brother has a fucking killbot and ONCE LEFT A MAN DEAD IN THE JURASSIC PERIOD!
FancyShark
Cut to Leo in the most intense game of Guess Who
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
He can handle four guys who want you to think theyre mobbed up.
gellaho
Kinda
Velo, Electric Ghost
This is what happens when you don't do what the voices tell you to do, Leo
FancyShark
Relax, Leo. Pretty soon, you'll speak Rick
Velo, Electric Ghost
The voices demanded revenge, Leo
The voices demanded violence, Leo
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Also their plan is to like..........steal industrial equipment from a heavliy guarded science compound. I feel like they woudlnt even get past the fucking front gate.
gellaho
The voices are unhelpful
Brendo
Leo's mistake was having more than one degree of complexity in a supernerd/jock world.
Velo, Electric Ghost
See Leo?
You spurned the voices, Leo
gellaho
A transdimendional shapeshifter couldn't
That was also in the dinosaur book
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Leo, what kind of comics do you read where this exact situation doesnt happen?
gellaho
Pulp books were a magical thing
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Im pretty sure Flash Gordon got his balls electrocuted or something.
gellaho
I think that's James Bond
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Oh right.
Leo should read Lady Satan.
gellaho
Walken's Jewelry Store: We guarantee all stock has been shoved up our asses
FancyShark
The owner, examining a diamond
gellaho
Ignoring all the times it was wrong
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Megatron hates it when you ignore his opinion.
Why even build a super brainy computer if youre going to just ignore what it tells you anyway.
gellaho
Don't try and tell me Tom Swift listens to ZZ Top
gellaho
FancyShark
Same reason you build a gaming rig to play solitaire
gellaho
Not a fucking chance this California nerd listens to ZZ Top
FancyShark
It's just nice to have
gellaho
Nowhere near cool enough to appreciate the bearded ones
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift listens to proto ska, for sure.
FancyShark
Tom Swift would invent AI just to listen to Hatsuni Miku
gellaho
Humped backs
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
ITs fine, these cops only feed on plankton.
gellaho
This look like something Tom Swift would appreciate? I don't think so
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Not even a little.
Brendo
Chief Visible vs. Captain Invisible, who ya got?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its not "Kidnap the Hardy Boys Dad" music, for one.
gellaho
The next day, they realize they missed the correct location
FancyShark
Or you could just wipe his memory
gellaho
Well, let's try again
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tom you stupid asshole.
Also Sanrda, you made a fire proof suit that doesnt have polarized lenses so the wearer cant be blinded by bright light?
gellaho
Time for a fire ball
gellaho
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hahaha did that asshole bring a molotov to a burglary?!
Brendo
Oh man, what a time to be without a fireproof suit
gellaho
Thank goodness wood is invulnerable to fire
FancyShark
Rob doesn't normally rule this hard
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Rob being swathed in flames while he does this because molotov
gellaho
You suck, Rob
gellaho
Vroom vroom
Brendo
Somewhat erring accuracy if it missed Tom.
gellaho
Bloodlust from the teen genius
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I feel like even if you have superhuman strength you still break your hands fistfingting a robot.
gellaho
Somehow the fight ended, don't ask how. The ghostwriter has no interest in explaining
FancyShark
I guess you might as well strip him for parts if he's not breathing
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Quickly Rob, get him into the Vita Chamber and ready my surgical tools."
gellaho
Let me steal this dying guy's clothes real quick
Velo, Electric Ghost
Kill them Leo Tom
FancyShark
The robot can give CPR?
Is it just a leaf blower attachment?
Brendo
He only invented Rob to roll out of murder charges
gellaho
Tom decides to steal what the guy was going to steal
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Rob broke this guys ribcage in the process.
Also hey Tom, why not refuel the bike and TAKE THE DUDE TO THE HOSPITAL ON IT!?
Brendo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DF5AUCAVnU
FancyShark
It's fine to steal something if you're going to put it right back
gellaho
Hey, Bitch!
FancyShark
"You know Jocko adores kitten earrings"
gellaho
You could just crack open the mask a little bit
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tom you stupid asshole.
Also Sandra, did you invent a sealed suit that has no controllable vents?
Velo, Electric Ghost
"Why does air supply smell like Winter Breeze?!"
gellaho
Soiled mattress. Soiled with what? Use your imagination, kids!
Velo, Electric Ghost
And this is the moment that Leo swore revenge on piss
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
My imagination has decided that its soiled with chili, marinara, and jizz.
gellaho
Bleeding teen in the house
FancyShark
You could have just cut Jocko's throat and saved everyone a lot of trouble, Tom
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Or like set him on fire just a little and udes the superhuman abilities of the suit to save everyone.
Brendo
Fire: the universal incest aphrodisiac
gellaho
FUCK YOU, ANTIQUE JEWELRY I STOLE!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tom JUST TAKE OFF THE FUCKING MASK.
FancyShark
Tom continues beating Jocko until there's more of Jocko on the bag than on Jocko