#8 Time Wars
The Book Cage: Episode 126
Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper
Simon Hawke is unleashed! Vampires, werewolves, and other assorted creatures! Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, H.G. Wells, and Bram Stoker! Our remaining time commandos must deal with the increasingly wild whims of an author who no longer cares about traditional storytelling. Join Dr. Moreau this Friday, 5pm eastern.
oh good the more fun and yet more war-crimey time agency
Absolute cowardice not putting Dracula in the full face mirror mask
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper. Here is your preview
The most tepid review you could save for the inside preview
Dang, this sounds rad. Good caging, everyone! Apologies I can't join in but just returned from a three day road trip and needs recovery
Honestly I would choose a bad review over "Enjoyable action adventure."
"I'm never reading anything ever again." - Fantasy Review
"I resent the creation of the alphabet." - Fantasy Review
"I'm never getting that time back" - Fantasy Review
"I burned this book." - Fantasy Review
Came here for Time Hunting, found only Time Wars. And werevhampir
When we finish Hawke's oeuvre we should just start over from Steele.
GNU Simon Hawke
BOOK CAGE
book cage and so on
hI @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Hi, Fancy Velo! Hi Mo Owns Tom Owns Diebel's Grave!
hI @Brendo !
Time to begin the time
Hi @gellaho !
Folks I don't want to spoil this book but I think Dracula did it
Janos is not having a great day
Well then
let's go on a journey
a journey through time
a time that's changing all the time
it's time to go to time
Got them big chompers
Oh, a CYBWEREwolf.
Simon breaking new ground in dialogue writing
What if Jack the Ripper were a cyborg werewolf, gang? Would the precision of his cuts make sense THEN?
He really did "ello ello"
Normalyl that would be the joke I make but no, he did it
Lon Chaney Jr. played werewolves so well because they were a metaphor for alcoholism.
Janos takes exception to the excessive cockney
Oh that explains a lot
And Frankensteins are metaphors for your asshole dad rejecting you for being queer.
ASK ME ABOUT DRACULAE
Hey there, you, stop turning into a wolf
Tom is this accurate to how you talk
that's racist
Rip
It's not racist because you're British but because you're a werewolf.
All Coppers Are Bobbies
the cockney policemen are a proud and noble monty python joke and I will hear no ill spoken of them
All Cockneys Ay Bobzyerunclewot
And RIP!
Later, at the morgue, we meet an inspector and his mysterious companion
His hot mysterious companion
Five claws? My goodness
There are large hounds
The mysterious man throws out that this might be a Murder in the Rue Morgue situation
It usually is
98% of murders are comitted by apes that think they're barbers
I wonder who this doctor could be
I want Turkish tobacco.
I'm gonna get a pipe.
It's your boy
That's a lot of sweaering.
God damn it Conan Doyle stop sweating on the evidence
"anyway call me if you need any spirit photography verified"
Coming this fall to CBS: Doyle, PI
"now, usually I solve the crime because I wrote it, so this shoud prove an interesting challenge"
This is just Castle.
He did a lot of intensive study on shaft thickness
He's right, this is Castle
Werewolves are the only logical deduction
"By jove, these can only be the hairs of CANIS LUPIS LUPIS, commonly known as the wolf--Scottish no doubt, as these savages so often are."
Doyle solved that faster than Holmes would have.
Weird thing for a Scottish guy to say
No that's on brand, right Tom?
Doyle solved this one quicker than he licked King George's boots clean during the Boer War
Here are the ostensible main characters
✅ Redhead
And Simon Hawke rolls out our second famous writer, because he no longer cares
Barabbas! It's me, H. G. Wells!
Oh if anyone were self-hating it's him.
In defense of crimes against humanity, they were Dutch.
Those guys were addicted to Argonauting
Just constantly sneaking off to have a quick Argonaut
haha the timecops found H.G Wells' old tumblr account
The timeless art of Wikipedia infodumping in dialogue
Hi @Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger ! It's me, Velo!
When the universe is rigid it does become difficult to aim
You mean the artless time
Hi @Ozzie !
God this paragraph is just loaded with innuendo.
More fanfiction
HG Wells can't resist an opportunity to explain how woke he is
I'm glad we didn't start with 20 pages of exposition this time
Well, you wrote a book about how we traveled with Jason and we thought that was weird. Do you know our arch-enemy?
The Day the Uteruses Fell Out: An H.G. Wells Thrilling Scientific Fictional Novel
"For years, women had dreamed of working, only to discover that ardent labours made them...MEN!!!!"
"What a bunch of freaks"
This is a solid mystery
Andre not a fan of the Kentucky Derby
I still think Dracula did it
Look out boys, here come the flappers.
"We keep meeting fictional characters, you don't think that's weird, right?"
Starting to think their time travel is broken
Listen, nothing wrong about liking Stalin
Hunk Magazine's Best Mustache of 1952
It's not a Book Cage without your boy
Here come the boy- it's hitler.
I am not familiar with HG Wells' Ubermensch Samurai period
HG sounds like a real Scarrow
Wasn't expecting a long exploration of socialism in The Dracula Caper, but here I am
Never a bad time
Get em, Finn
So which is it, is he forward-thinking or has he been told about the future by time travelers?
We're arguing for both at once here.
Weird the team drunk has a complete understanding of the life of HG Wells
And specifically where he was right about socialism.
The techno-economic matrix
All we need now is nysteel.
Love the parts of a Hawke book where two characters just get high and wax philosophical for 27 pages.
I kinda think it was, Andre
Two things are true, Andre. 1. Time is infinte. 2. You are wasting it
Meanwhile, in the Lyceum, we are about to meet our next literary luminary
Hi, Bram
✅ ✅ Redhead
Well I for one am shocked that Bram Stoker is here
maybe there might also be a Dracula
The League of Extraordinary Ruffians' Authors
My, that is strange
We've already established a physical Dr. Moreau, I'm betting Drac appears.
Let's try not to get our hopes up too much
A... a... vampyre!?
Does Edgar Allen Poe show up too?
If I read the subtext correctly, Poe and Wells are off Argonauting each other
But, before we get into that, we must first get into the history of electricity in London and opium dens
I get that Hawke just loves all these authors and wants to include them in his fun time travel adventures, but he doesn't seem to realise that by doing the "perhaps I shall write a book about these extraordinary events" bit for every single one of them, he's kind of undercuting their talent and imagination
Meet Lin Tao and his granddaughter
Carmilla? Dude, the Byron vampire precedent was RIGHT THERE
Yeah, but Stoker was inspired by Carmilla for Dracula so that's what Stoker would know.
She's so hot, you guys, knows karate and has long legs. So, right in Simon's pocket
Well she's dead
Jasmine? Was Jade taken?
Look out boys, we've got a kung fu bamboo stalk here.
her grandfather was jackie chan's character from shanghai noon
She's in love with a drifter
Any guesses as to who this drifter is?
Is it Dracula
maybe it's a pig
If it's Frankenstein I'm leaving
I'm going to toss out Dr. Jekyll, cuz why not?
It's Dr Moreau, of course
Oh Jekyll would have been good
Fresh off making a cybernetic colossus
Jasmine's so dead
oh yeah wasn't it defeated immediately by lasers?
Anyway, he's way older than her. But, that's fine, right?
Or going to be turned into a bird-lady hybrid
My bet is on cat-lady but I wish you luck
Or maybe she'll kill Drakov. That'd be nice
bamboo lady
how dare you
TIME drifter
Meanwhile, a bunch of future deadmeats have taken their posts
Bamboo l--dammit @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave 🍨
Pvt. Linda Craven, Victorian Detectivess
Pvt. Rance Handsome, reporting for duty
One of the deadmeats done found out about the werewolf
Time travel makes research easy o
He was up all night?
Why didn't they just send the sample through time and receive it back instantly?
Not so easy our main characters won't fuck it up, but pretty easy
He couldn't nap and then travel back in time?
I love making this guy sick just to subjectively get the sample results back quicker
I've said it before, I want corporate dystopian time travel. I want food delivery apps that send your order 30 minutes into the past so you get your food the second you order it
Don't catch the werewolf virus
Just make sure if you fuck the werewolves, you wear a rubber I guess.
"basically it's exactly like werewolves but it's happening because of science. They're also allergic to silver because of their chromosomes and such."
"Infectious DNA?" is a note from the editor that got left in.
Ian is not happy
Well that's never mattered before and it's not going to start mattering now, Ian
Iam Holcombe has some very well-trod arguments about Sherlock Holmes
🎵 Werewolves of London 🎵
Ian sucks and I hate him
Look ian if you aren't going to take this seriously then we can get someone else.
Simon Hawke here saying his own book is ridiculous
Hi @Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage !
I hope Ian gets killed by some sort of man wolf
Holcombe has read every single book and hates them all
Fuck you, Ian Holcombe
Wait, was there seriously something called Varney the Vampire?
"A Romance of Exciting Interest."
Haha Haha rad.
Simon Hawke continues not giving a single fuck
Oh go beat a chimney sweep, Holcombe you dour fuck
There goes Ian to jump in the Thames
GOOD
Hes lucky Doyle didn't stab him.
These are fun stories
"Hm Dracula, maybe I shall..."
AI or wild artifact?
just ai'd it into being myself
Two things not found in most murders, I guess
in London town most murderers are very gentlemanly
Again this is just Castle
Sans Nathan Fillion being charming.
The inspector goes to eat. I'm sure he won't meet anybody here
Damn it, a death that isn't Ian
Oh, who could have foreseen another literary figure of historical import?
I'm sure this will be handled well
Oh sweet, everyone's favorite historical Irish gay.
A fresh buttonhole
Fuck yeah. Silk cravat.
That's how you know you're dealing with a fancy lad.
They talk about The Picture of Dorian Gray for a while, for some reason
This seems like a very tenuous reason to include Wilde, Simon
Pretty sure his name is Grayson
What's this now?
It would have been funny if they just met for lunch and discussed random plays.
Oh yeah that's what they called people who had that disease that makes you bleed a lot
An actress
The Phantom of the Greek Opera
I can't imagine the Greeks ever being historically associated with perversion
I'm starting to think Dracula did it
And Tony's been drawn to the sex dungeon by this mysterious swarthy gentleman who we definitely don't know
Hot.
This is probably fine
Yup. Totally normal.when you are in a handsome and swarthy strangers sex dungeon.
Just absolutely covered in piss and shit
Consumed by the desire for the Forbidden Beverage: piss.
How mad was Hawke that Extraordinary Gentlemen did his shtick but accessibly?
These dark ministrations have changed him utterly. He has an unquenchable thirst... For pussy
Add cum to that mixture of filth
Now its gonna crust.
I miss Ian Holcombe
Dudes pants are gonna crinkle like cellophane when he finally takes them ofg.
And now: a sad story about a prostitute
Woah, this book posits that vampirism is EROTIC??
You'll get human misery, and you will like it
Jesus, Hawke
And she's dead
God damn sluts with all their teeth
Oh
Real-life Pygmalion isn't as fun as I thought.
Glad I got that in there in time
Didn't even let her finish her pitch, how rude.
He's an actor, that's not what misery looks like for him
So far our main characters have done the following:
Talked to HG Wells and got nothing
Delaney: talked a lot about HG Wells and socialism
Andre: existed
Oh right they're in these books.
Alan Moore knows the score
HG Wells never tells
Drakov has only ever been incredibly obvious
Except for the books he wasn't in
Good for Andre
Conan Doyle, King George's foil
Is foil a british term for butt-buddy?
Sure
Good for them then
Yeah nobody who turns a huge bronze statue into a mech would be obvious.
Oh right that did happen didn't it
He had a secret volcano lair!
Secretly!
Meanwhile, Dr Moreau goes to the newspaper
Also he constantly captures the heroes and pontificates his plans at them
Morro vs. Moreau. Whoever wins, bamboo grows
Hey, look, Dr Moreau meets HG Wells. That's probably not significant
"Well you see I've been troubled by the idea that I could turn a lady into a dog hybrid and fuck her."
Dr Moreau pulling an oopsie
"Have you heard about the connection between vaccines and changelings?" Wells asked the doctor.
Going from "Bertie" Wells to HG Wells is quite a leap
No! Bertie Wooster!
Dr Moreau giving away the entire game
I gotta say if my first name was Herbert I'd go by something else.