Vooster
Just in time for chapter 12
126: Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper Simon Hawke
#8 Time Wars
Tags:
Eighth in the exciting time travel adventure series!
Archive
FancyShark
Hi, @Vooster !
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And the Chinese guy doing pressure point kung fu to Andre!
Vooster
Oh I'm not actually going to read any of this
gellaho
It's very weird to me how we operate in this space where medieval Europe knew nothing, but also Western culture understands all
Velo, Electric Ghost
Let me catch you up
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh that's the wrong out of context quote
Oh well
gellaho
It's almost like knowledge comes from everywhere
But, that can't possibly be true
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Dr. Darkness zapped the medieval history section of the library with a sun laser to save the chronosphere from the book wyrm
gellaho
Listen, I could never be hired if anybody knew what I was up to here
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
You can't prove that's not what happened!
gellaho
Where was I?
Velo, Electric Ghost
You don't think they'd like this?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh that's the wrong one again
FancyShark
I stand by this
FancyShark
Warp discs
gellaho
The Chinese man is speaking
gellaho
Clearly, he knows all
There are only like 5 Chinese guys, right?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Anyone else just say "oh no" outloud?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I think theyd have questiones about this one.
gellaho
That does not sound right
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"Why should I believe you?"
"Because I had my goon do a lil head fake to get you to trust me just now."
"Damn, I can't dispute that"
Velo, Electric Ghost
Never heard of those before in my life
gellaho
I mean, we share the same birthday
Ignore what his user name says
It's a lie
FancyShark
Good things happened that day
gellaho
It's in 1mknth, minus one day
Or month, fuck
Meanwhile, the famous authors are in trouble
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Imagine having to train and do all kinds of rigamarole only to get sent back in time to keep an old dipshit who believes in fairies alive for a few more years.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
This was literally the plot of a Voyagers! episode
gellaho
If I wasn't clear, me and @👽⭐ Mo and his Galvanic Cutlass were born on June 16th, send presents
FancyShark
"Their life's works are going to enter public domain and all sorts of crazy stuff is going to happen with them"
gellaho
I got presents from @Fatamatician: The Curator today
Gracias
Fatamatician: The Curator
Yay!!
gellaho
Fucking get it, Jasmine
Vooster
There's no way I'm going to retain that knowledge for 29 more days
gellaho
Don't worry, 32nd birthdays aren't that important
Vooster
Oh hey, it's the bad guy from the other books
Vooster
Can confirm, having made it to 34
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
SHOOT HIM!
You cant break necks when youre dead.
gellaho
Dr Moreau be safe
gellaho
Or, sad
Fucking phones
Vooster
Oh, there's whores?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Bless you
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Usually there are a few somewhere if you look hard enough.
gellaho
Dr Moreau, all about the Asian babes
Vooster
I'm always lookin'
gellaho
Such a weeb
FancyShark
I got it covered
gellaho
Nobody needs to pay attention to me it's my fault for not producing another 3 hour movie in a year
Don't you hug me
MEANWHILE
FancyShark
Too late! MWAHAHAHA
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Moreau, what you should do is create some kind of super powered aardvark person to fight Drakov and his army of time Draculas.
gellaho
You are lucky my drunk ass is in Florida
Emergency Stount Cerril
Watch out for the wolf children.
FancyShark
Hi, @Emergency Stount Cerril !
gellaho
Simon Hawke writes Arthur the Aardvark
Velo, Electric Ghost
And any Hulks Hogan that might be around
gellaho
Here comes Sir Doyle
gellaho
I'll kick his Tampa Bay ass
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"The only possible explanation" is real rich coming from you, fairy boy.
FancyShark
So check your necks for darts
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Because of his earnest belief in fairies to be clear.
Vooster
I had questions about the plot, but I realized I don't car
or care, even
gellaho
Learned that from Mystery Box
FancyShark
Joe neglected to do that and fought a cemetery
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Actually you know what, Jamie cut that.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Hold on I've got a quote that can explain that
gellaho
Real weird how much Arthur Conan Doyle and Poe we've gotten in the Book Cage
gellaho
Not to get too personal
But my name is Jamie
Cut that
Velo, Electric Ghost
Steak is the best emoji I got when I searched for 'cut'
gellaho
Here comes Sherlock
Velo, Electric Ghost
Now we all have to live with it
gellaho
Jamie is far too androgynous and hard to spell
FancyShark
Conan Doyle's hiding his smartphone from Stoker the whole time
gellaho
Take that from experience
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I wonder if Doyle was this kind of insufferable dickhole in real life.
Vooster
Authors always act like their most famous character
FancyShark
It's why HP Lovecraft sank boats and slept all the time
Velo, Electric Ghost
By shoving smartphones up their butts
gellaho
Given that my high school yearbook spelled my first name and last name five different ways
Velo, Electric Ghost
Just like Sherlock did
Vooster
That's why lead characters always have the same opinions and flaws as the writer
gellaho
You want to know more? Go fuck yourself
Velo, Electric Ghost
Is Dracula back yet
gellaho
It's why I have a completely human penis
What?
Anyway
Vooster
You're answering questions I have not asked
Velo, Electric Ghost
Dracula does that to people
gellaho
That is how it goes
I mean, Steele is liter the first book I read on here
It's hard not to tie back to that
Anyway
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh right
gellaho
Back to Bram Stoker flirting with Conan Doyle
Velo, Electric Ghost
KISS
FancyShark
KISS
Velo, Electric Ghost
COMBINE FACIAL HAIR
Vooster
Sounds like a fun platonic ski trip
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"The fairies must have brought us here!"
"God you're so stupid. Take me now you fucking moron."
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It would be really funny if they were in some rich dinguses fake castle in like Appalachia or something and not the Balkans.
gellaho
They are having a great time
Velo, Electric Ghost
They're in fucking Scotland
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Abbot and Costello Meet Dracula
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh my god that is what this is
Vooster
And raving lunatics are completely safe to be around, as long as they are human
Humans never attack each other
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
It is not ape law!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
You know I never looked up a picture of Bram Stoker before today.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Oh yeah you wanna talk about a member of the beefsteak society, fuckin here ya go
gellaho
It's not going great
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
He kinda looks like he might be Bert Kreischers grandfather.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Yeah make the Irish guy say "saints preserve us", why not
FancyShark
How it feels the first day at a new gym
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Somewhere Scarrow nods approvingly from his cuck closet
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Pretty normal Dracula castle.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Holding his cuck bucket
gellaho
I can't believe the author of The Lair of the White Worm would fall for such a thing
Velo, Electric Ghost
Thinking about 9/11
FancyShark
His cucket
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Theres like six of these areas in every Castlevania.
gellaho
There once was a man from Nantucket
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
God that movie was weird.
Good weird.
FancyShark
Farscape was weirder than I remember
gellaho
The Chinese know all
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Avatar was weirder— dammit
FancyShark
Wells, it's fine. Just tell him the old guy is his son.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Maybe ill stream it again soon, so many people didnt come and see the last time and more people need to know about the movie with Hugh Grant and Peter Capaldi fighting Hot Snake Dracula.
gellaho
Dr Moreau done git caught by the bad guys
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
*springs trap around them to prove he's not going to trap them
FancyShark
Lin Tao takes out a cup and ball and gets it right on the second or third try
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I think this is where he sets fire to their navy?
gellaho
Suck it, China
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I mean its the latter half of the 1800s so they did in fact, suck it.
FancyShark
Good thing they brought infinite Chinese men
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
They did little else for the better part of 70 years
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
At least 100.
gellaho
I'll admit km to drunk to know what's happening, but best of luck to the rest of you
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And to be fair the sucking it began a fair amount of time before as well.
Honestly the history of the Qing dynasty includes alot of China sucking it.
FancyShark
hahaha
He's yadda yadda-ing the actual action
A+
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I gotta say hatchets arent my first choice for werewolf fighting.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
writing action is hard, so simply don't
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
But at least Simon didnt go the low road and give them all swords and shit.
One dude with a guandao or those weird little murder hoops.
FancyShark
I kind of wish he'd given them all ballpeen hammers
gellaho
Ancient Chinese time travel secret
FancyShark
Fuck yes
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Cool. Send an atomic bomb thru the gate, easy peasy.
Vooster
Save even more time by not writing at all
FancyShark
Drakov was sending werewolves through time
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Like doordash but with werewolves.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Oh like you wouldn't.
FancyShark
I would so send werewolves to assassinate people in time
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
When all you send is werewolves you never have to worry if people did or did not ask for werewolves.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Damn that would have been a fun book
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Tips are bad tho.
Your customer service rating is gonna be low, probably.
FancyShark
A problem easily solved with more werewolves
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
At the very least you can get a neutral rating just by applying enough werewolves that nobody is left to complain.
gellaho
Stuff is happening
FancyShark
Running through legions of guinea pigs
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And if you do it right you end up with more werewolves than you started with, and I like to think being a werewolf is pretty cool and once you get used to it, rate the experience five stars.
Vooster
"Soft, furry shapes" is what I call Djonin
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Dont step on rats. They are sweet and clean animals.
Watch where you put your feet, pls.
gellaho
Drakov having a hard time
FancyShark
Mad scientists get all the chicks
Velo, Electric Ghost
It's the beakers
And the bunsen burners
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Place your bets now, does Drakov get mobbed by his own horde of time vampire werewolves?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Chicks love little fires
Vooster
Yes! $2,000 on yes!
FancyShark
🤞
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Wells has gotta get the ending for Dr. Moreau from somewhere
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And the lab coats look dashing.
Velo, Electric Ghost
I should light some little fires
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Whatever happens im sure our three main characters can handle it...........Andre......um.......Brendan and ..........Gorg?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Nelson I think?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Burt Reynolds?
Vooster
Stieger, Cross, and Pants Charles
gellaho
Stuff is happening
Vooster
They have the high ground
Or no, the otherway around
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Hey youre the asshole who believes in fairies?! AND IM THE INSANE ONE?!"
FancyShark
Shoot him
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Drakov right now: "Goddammit Dracula. I told you not to bring company back without phoning ahead."
Vooster
Did-did the Draculas get to Gellaho?
FancyShark
NOOOOOO!
REVENGE!
Vooster
It could have been a werewoof, we don't know
gellaho
This goes on for a while
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Fuck off Doyle.
Vooster
Really driving home the point that the man is unwell
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Also STAB YOUR GODDAM SON PROPERLY THIS TIME FORESTER!
Velo, Electric Ghost
Forester sucks so much
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
most "fuck you"s don't last a full page
Velo, Electric Ghost
I thought Forrester died damn it
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
God hates a job left half done, thats why he cursed Abraham.
gellaho
Not to be a stereotype but I couldn't find my glasses
Vooster
I mean...I did that earlier today
FancyShark
Can confirm
gellaho
Drakov... Dead!?
gellaho
Velo, Electric Ghost
Please
gellaho
Can we be so lucky?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Please
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Welp.
Vooster
Lotta fire happening
FancyShark
But if Drakov is dead, who will we hope dies in every book?
Vooster
The rest of the cast
FancyShark
Oh right
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Seems Simon has subverted our expectations re: Drakov reaping his hubris.
FancyShark
Minus Andre Cross
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
No body means didn't die
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It was probably a time clone tho.
gellaho
Lin Tao know using Vulcan martial arts
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Youd think future people would have like biometric safeties on their weapons.
FancyShark
Or even a chain or clip or something
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Not that it matters becuase Lin Tao knows fucking kung fu.
gellaho
Well, luckily, Dr Moreau has escaped with his teenage bride, right?
gellaho
Right?
FancyShark
uh
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
His teenage ASIAN bride, which is very techbro of him.
It would be way funnier if she was from like Georgia or something tho.
gellaho
Andre trusts their ancient Chinese ways
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I mean if you cant trust a mysterious old Chinese man who can kill with a touch, who can you trust?
gellaho
Grayson is having a great time
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Blow off some steam, Tony
FancyShark
Grayson decided to omit this part from his report
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Grayson I have a feeling even if you survive im not gonna remember you.
gellaho
Good ijstincg
Or instinct
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Just like the guys with Andre........Steve and..........Bilbo?
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the epilogue
FancyShark
Wait, she's not named Jasmine?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Fuck off Doyle. You bastard, stay off Brams turf.
English pig, stop stealing from the Irish,
Velo, Electric Ghost
Huh
FancyShark
oh wait, Jasmine is with Moreau, not Wells
Names are hard
gellaho
There's a lot going on
Vooster
I'm Vooster
gellaho
Dracula
Vooster
He lives
FancyShark
Andre walks in. "I've got some of Dracula stuck to my shoe."
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It all depends on if Simon got bored of Dracula or not.
I gotta say tho it would be pretty funny to just have a Dracula running around for no current plot related reason.
Vooster
I support incidental vampires
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Like he just became someones roommate and now they dont know how to get rid of him.
gellaho
No more Dracul
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"Ehhhhh its probably fine." Gregor said."
Everyone laughs, freeze frame to credits.
gellaho
Grayson got that erectile dysfunction
Vooster
All those body parts are a teaser for the Frankenstein's Monster drop
Velo, Electric Ghost
Time travelling Frankenstein
gellaho
And now, we're on the last page
Vooster
Kiss?
gellaho
Nah, that's it
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah yeah that old timey medicine, hard narcotics and poison.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Damn it just ends
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
lol sweet.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Thank you @gellaho
Thank you Draculas
You're all Draculas in my heart
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
love it when a book just goes "ok bye"
Velo, Electric Ghost
If we keep saying Dracula Vooster can't reset her counter
Dracula
gellaho
We have defeated Time War #8: The Dracula Caper
Vooster
It has been 0 days...
Velo, Electric Ghost
Dracula
FancyShark
oh HELL yes
We did it!
Velo, Electric Ghost
Absoultely brilliant