PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
No, they foreshadowed this
126: Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper Simon Hawke
#8 Time Wars
Tags:
Eighth in the exciting time travel adventure series!
Archive
gellaho
The weird thing is that Time Wars is usually full of fictional people, and this one only has an in-universe fake Dracula and a bunch of authors
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
inb4 they jump to the modern day and pull Simon Hawke into the beefsteak crew
gellaho
Because by the 8th book Simon can't be bothered with his own premise, Hawke's gotta fly baby
@FancyShark missed the Beefsteaks, here you go
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
the funniest possible word
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
BEEF AND LIBERTY 🫡
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
the most American slogan not to originate in America
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Americans came from somewhere
gellaho
I don't know what you are talking about
FancyShark
BEEF
FancyShark
Okay, this whips ass and I can't thank you enough
gellaho
Glorious
gellaho
Goddamn Dracula censorship
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
peak fiction.
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
"Spoilers, Dracula"
gellaho
He's Scottish, so
FancyShark
You could have stopped at one or two examples, Drac
gellaho
I'm not so sure he would feel that invested in the English crown
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Dracula likes the dark histories
FancyShark
Gotta run for a bit. Fingers crossed the plot kicks in before they meet George Bernard Shaw!
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
big talk from Count Bumspikes, I gotta say
gellaho
Dracula done touched the cross
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
hahaha did he actually think dracula was a vampire? the fictional character whe invented?
gellaho
Wolfsbane in the buttonhole
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
the coins in the window skirt of the Victorian generation
gellaho
Doubtful
Meanwhile, the brave time commandos invade HG Wells' home
gellaho
Simon continues his tendency to ignoring his main characters
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
I mean after a certain point don't we all
gellaho
Meanwhile, two of the deadmeats try to find Neilson, only to be attacked by the werewolf
gellaho
The werewolf with a dart gun, obviously
Simon Hawke loves darts
Couldn't tell you why
Volkov not doing too hot
gellaho
Dr Moreau and his Asian martial arts friend leave Jasmine alone, because that's smart
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
so many names
gellaho
Simon really wants you to know how sexy Jasmine is though
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
and curious
gellaho
So many sexy fantasies
gellaho
Well, off to the whore house
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
a very safe place for a young woman
gellaho
Neilson arrives with HG Wells, who has never heard that "gay" means homosexual
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
that meaning took hold in the 60's?
gellaho
Simon just completely sidelining his main characters at this point
gellaho
And two of those weren't even main characters in the first book
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Simon you know you could have just made this a different book, right
It didn't have to be time police if you just wanted to play public domain for a bit
gellaho
He's not going to throw away his second most popular IP
Colonel Forrester will not commit to any more soldiers to stop his bastard time son
gellaho
RIP Priest
gellaho
Steiger lashes out at Forrester, who takes it personally
Time to kill my own son, then
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
a switch-up on the kill your own grandfather trope
gellaho
Later, one of the deadmeat commandos has been detained
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
deadmeats vs. Beefsteaks
gellaho
I award you one Komar of Komedy
Grayson done broke her time machine
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Trained professionals
The best people
gellaho
Chronocircuitry
The fact that that is stored in here is remarkable
gellaho
This interrogation goes on for a while
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
If only we had a time machine to skip to the end of it
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
gj Scotland yard
gellaho
Well, shit, the only remaining main character from the first book
gellaho
And the Deus Ex Machina himself, Dr Darkness, has shown up
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
"Best name award 5 years running"
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
For a second I forgot there could be more than one Irish book cage time traveler and thought Scarrow's whipping boy had shown up to suffer some more
gellaho
Oh, Simon, you know me better than I know myself
gellaho
And they met for the first time in the Caribbean. 10/10 dialogue, Simon
gellaho
Meanwhile, the deadmeats are about to be deadmeated
gellaho
HG Wells to the rescue
gellaho
Christine, seen here, being able to talk with a hole in her throat
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Maybe just the carotids?
Wells executing a werewolf, 100% make this a movie
gellaho
Ransom? Rizzo? Rism?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Ransom, Rizzo, Rizzin fr no cap
gellaho
Fuck
gellaho
She done Wrath of Khan'd herself
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
WUT
Was she mind controlled, or just bleeding out?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Honestly I'm just glad I wasn't the only one traumatized by that scene
gellaho
Meanwhile, in the whorehouse district
gellaho
Can't call it the red-light district because, well
Blue lights
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
There's gotta be an optimal number of whorehouses per square mile
putting them all in one place seems excessive
gellaho
Which I associate with K-Mart, but that who even remembers K-Mart?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Madame Tchu, bless you
gellaho
Thanks for everything! Julie Newmar
That decided her
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
"Oh hell, the man in the whorehouse might be consorting with a whore!"
gellaho
Impossible!
I love how much effort Simon puts into someone climbing a drain pipe
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Wasn't quite as close to word count as you thought you were, huh Simon
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
I think this kind of thing hit better when you couldn't see it on tv all the time
gellaho
Climbing a drain pipe is only possible on TV
Considering their kept together by friction most of the time
Well, something happened here, but I don't know what
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"I know authors who use paragraph breaks and they are all cowards"
gellaho
Jasmine watches a mustachioed man have sex with an Asian prostitute. This destroys her feeling of romance
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
Maybe the mustachioed man is the prostitute?
gellaho
Simon knows that paragraph breaks are for the weak
gellaho
Fair point
I mean, page 169 might dispel that notion
gellaho
And that page number is probably not important
But, maybe
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
"Jasmine learned a lot that day"
gellaho
Jasmine expected prostitution to be much more glamorous
PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler
rookie mistake
Jasmine: "Well, I have now seen a penis"
Achievement Unlocked
gellaho
It's going great
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
This is why its so important not to skip leg day, so the sex workers dont think you look weird.
gellaho
You've taken your sweet...
time
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I just got back from a doctors appointment, did I miss any good Time Dracula shit?
gellaho
This is truly bizarre
gellaho
gellaho
Dracula doesn't believe Dracula, but that happened near the beginning of this reading
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Dr. Moreau seems like the kind of dude who responds to this kind of thing with phrases like "Okay, thanks." or "Cool."
It is pretty hard to be a smooth operator when a woman follows you thru time to throw herself at you.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"started to say a dozen different things and realized that each one of them would have been wrong"
finally, fiction sees me
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Also yes the correct answer is to tell a woman you dont love her if you do in fact, not love her.
Or anyone really.
gellaho
Meanwhile, the only good character, Andre, finally shows up
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hopefully she gets to stab someone.
gellaho
The Chinese guy to the rescue
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
surely we can give "the Chinese man" a name, if he's going to be this important to the plot
gellaho
Hansom
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its funny they wedged her into ladies clothing when like.........just do like a George Sands thing, Andre.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
okay you know what, fair enough Simon. I shouldn't have doubted you
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Ah yes, the Victorian London taxi cab. Same chance of your driver being Turkish and swearing at someone, with added horse.
gellaho
Andre on it
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Guy slips up behind Andre and whispers in her ear "I'm actually Korean."
Vanishes like a ghost.
gellaho
The Chinese men
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
He reproduced via cellular division!!
also please for the love of god introduce us to this character
gellaho
The Chinese guy? Nah
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its probably just a dude who wants to sing a sea chanty with her.
Or someone pissing in the alley, come to think of it.
Theres a surprising radius that qualifies as "too close" when it comes to alley pissing.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"the length of the alley" is a pretty safe rule of thumb
gellaho
The Chinese man strikes again
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its like the rules for bombs in Steve Jacksons Killer, if you can hear it, you take damage.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
simon. please. use another modifier. I'm begging you
Velo, Electric Ghost
Am I too late, did the Dracula do it?
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Honestly this is probably the best of the possibilities. Lets not ask too much from the Monkeys Paw.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh this is a lot of Dracula to catch up on
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
and yet not as much Dracula as it looks
gellaho
Goddamn Chinese man cannot keep up with Chinese cirk
gellaho
Girl, that is
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
The Dracula to Chinese ratio is not as balanced as youd think.
gellaho
Theirs is really going to fuck up my employment opportunities in the future, don't tell anyone
FancyShark
Dinner concluded. Hi, @Velo, Electric Ghost ! Hi, @Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage ! What I miss?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
mostly a bunch of public domain authors nebbing around giving speeches on the human condition
FancyShark
Right on
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
we've only just remembered the time police are supposed to be our heroes
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
And being followed by one or more Chinese persons.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
who go curiously unnamed
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I imagine they are just randos that one dude whos working for Morrow recruited from the tongs.
gellaho
Both you and @Velo, Electric Ghost can suck it for abandoning me
And my brain is abandoning me
FancyShark
:sadshark:
Velo, Electric Ghost
Fair
FancyShark
Yeah, fair
Velo, Electric Ghost
We abandoned you to the draculas
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
How could you?
gellaho
Anyway, back to Time Wars witch has 40 more pages
FancyShark
There was pork!
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
lol that few, huh?
Velo, Electric Ghost
Out of morbid curiosity how many pages total are in this book?
FancyShark
50
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Well as usual Simon likes to bring things to a screeching halt.
gellaho
As pet usual, less than 250
212
Velo, Electric Ghost
Damn
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
hahahahahah
gellaho
The only ones that really surpass that is Time Riders
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
That is elegant storytelling.
When Simon does it anyway.
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Dense, rich storytelling
gellaho
The best
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
The pemmican of time travel action
gellaho
I can't know what that means due to my blood alcohol content
But sure
Velo, Electric Ghost
Scarrow is physically incapable of writing less than 300 pages
gellaho
Indeed, he's the worst
FancyShark
And less than 300 atrocities
gellaho
The Chinese man is back
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
I read White Fang or something with sled dogs when I was a kid and somehow ended up thinking pemmican was made of recycled dog meat, like your dog dropped dead and you made pemmican out of it to keep the rest going.
gellaho
Fuck, you need to multiply that by at least 10 million
FancyShark
If not by 9/11
gellaho
Jack London is great
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Yeah i had a good time with it.
gellaho
And I know that saying I've not read anything he's written since elementary school
FancyShark
Same. I just remember Call of the Wild whipped ass
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
It was miles better than some of the dusty old shit they made me read.
gellaho
I need to get back to this
I'm way vulnerable
Velo, Electric Ghost
Let's kick Dracula's ass! Or learn this Chinese man's name
gellaho
Time Wars
Get it, IAndre
gellaho
Andre, whatever
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Oh right back to the alley pissing and all that.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh right Andre's in this
gellaho
That's not possible
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
filing a Freedom of Information Act request for this man's name just so we don't have to keep profiling him
Velo, Electric Ghost
That's going to really put a damper on my plans for Dracula
gellaho
Meanwhile Linda's hanging out with cock
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Chances are his surname is either Wang, Li, Zhang, Liu, or Chen.
gellaho
Wait....
Velo, Electric Ghost
No you were right
Shocked Linda's still alive to be honest
FancyShark
Who doesn't love an erect cross
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
What else do you do in Charing Cross?
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Big JC probably wasn't a fan for a little bit
gellaho
Smith, Thompson Jameson, Lindstrom, or Christian
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Jameson Zhang goes fuckin hard as a name.
gellaho
It's pretty good
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Lol adding that to my list of names for NPCS in Feng Shui 2 actually.
gellaho
A youth group pastor with a Z in his name would killand for that
This shits getting weird
FancyShark
"Bollocks"
gellaho
Balls
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
They're not real cops. They would have said "wot's all this, then" by now.
They're time assassins. Hurry, Andre!
gellaho
It's weird to me how much British slang circles around plain shit
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Typical UK firearm safety.
gellaho
Like, either shit or get off the pot, guv'nor
This is the most blitz'd I've been in a while
Back to Nicholas Yermakov
Aka Simon Hawke
I love you, Man
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
"I love you too, Gellaho." - Simon Hawke, if he were here.
gellaho
I wish
I don't have the guts
Meanwhile, ACAB
FancyShark
I forgot about Darkness Ex Machina
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Oh goddammit Forester again. Your son is now a Russian Time Dracula and you still cant stab his ass.
gellaho
These main characters are so far behind
gellaho
He's so good
gellaho
It was two books ago he showed up to solve the entire plot, and Simon's like fuck it, why not?
FancyShark
He rules
gellaho
He does not have a cyborg cop yet, why not
Velo, Electric Ghost
Simon realized there are no laws against writing like this and now no one can stop him
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Surely Dr. Darkness will stop Time Dracula for us.
gellaho
And his other series is about future wizards who fuck each other
FancyShark
He's working his way from past to future
gellaho
So, fuck it
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Rules are for lesser authors.
gellaho
Goddamn, I'm still so mad about how The Wizard of 4th Street went
FancyShark
It had such potential!
gellaho
The first three were
Velo, Electric Ghost
This book could genuinely be one more page that just says "Dr. Darkness shot Dracula in the head with a sun laser." And I wouldn't be surprised at all
gellaho
Peeerfect
Other than the weird rape scene in the first book
Anyway
FancyShark
lol, wait, that's it?!
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh shit was I right
gellaho
Ignore that
FancyShark
oh
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
lol
Velo, Electric Ghost
It was a great page though
I look forward to it in the future
gellaho
Fuck, this is what I get for not including page numbers
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh no
gellaho
Let's find snatch
Got it, even drunk I'm the best
Velo, Electric Ghost
Oh right time travel is in this
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
"They quickly programmed the transition coordinates for the crime lab into their warp discs"
It's like if "cellar door" was a whole sentence
gellaho
It's almost like it's in the title
The fucking darts, man
gellaho
Of course, the Chinese secret society is the most unscrupulous and impossible to get involved in
gellaho
Cropping is very difficult
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Doesn't casually disintegrating bodies offscreen fall under "destruction of evidence"?
gellaho
Na
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Fair enough
Velo, Electric Ghost
It's fine they're cool
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Its fine.
gellaho
Andre jerking
Velo, Electric Ghost
Damn it Andre now is not the time
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
HELL YEAH THE DUDE KNOWS DIANXUE!
gellaho
Those damn Chinese
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Orgasm Dim Mak!
gellaho
Nobody take that out of context
I will find you
Velo, Electric Ghost
It's certainly not getting added to a collage
gellaho
And treat you like those Chinese bastards deserve
Dammit
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
lol
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Anyways, the Chinese men use their ancient Chinese secrets to disarm Andre
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah I love that Simon couldnt resist giving the Chinese dudes pressure point kung fu.
Velo, Electric Ghost
Damn it
gellaho
Who is from the 10th century, and is therefore, also ancient
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Oh rad the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms period, nice.
Velo, Electric Ghost
But French, so…
Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger
Nothing could have prepared us for a nested Big Trouble In Little China subplot.
Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage
Simon knows how to pick em.