126: Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper Simon Hawke

gellaho

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT NAME

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

DRAMATIC STING

gellaho

When you are describing Dr Moreau, maybe animal metaphors aren't the best option

Brendo

This is seriously based on the HG Wells "open conspiracy" group. Dude is doing Planetary and Extraordinary Gentlemen simultaneously.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"He had the look of an inveterate manimal fucker about him."

gellaho

Dr Moreau doesn't give a fuck

Velo, Electric Ghost

Well then

gellaho

Meanwhile: more murder

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Lob a brick at him.

gellaho

MORE MURDER

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Every honest Londoner has a hurling brick.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Don't leave home without one

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I forgot we do gore in this series

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Too bad these people don't have our Glorious American Freedoms or they could just shoot the werewolf.

gellaho

This is very similar to Simon's The Wizard of Rue Morgue at this point

gellaho

Especially with how much of the narrative is carried by random police officers instead of the main characters

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Turner could have sworn he heard the werewolf snarl out an "uwu"

Brendo

He Kitty Genovesed this Jack the Ripper!

gellaho

Meanwhile, the Time Commanders are not happy with these time shenanigans

gellaho

LIIIIIIPS

Velo, Electric Ghost

Oh right they're in this

gellaho

Best put a kill order out on Dr Moreau

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

You'd think they'd have given that order already and furnished agents with his description

gellaho

Dr Moreau took HG Wells back to his Asian hidey-hole

gellaho

"gasogene"

Brendo

Hawke never met a plot he couldn't complicate.

gellaho

"I'd never write anything like that, wink"

Velo, Electric Ghost

Someone hurl a brick

gellaho

Dr Moreau brings HG Wells a baby dinosaur

Velo, Electric Ghost

Well that's going to be a problem

gellaho

He took it back

Velo, Electric Ghost

So the real gift was a broken heart

gellaho

"Have you heard of... karate?"

gellaho

Now Ian and Arthur are bestest friends

Velo, Electric Ghost

I hope Ian drowns

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I hope Ian invites Doyle home for dinner and Doyle spends the whole night in the garden looking for fairies

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

I hope they have a nice afternoon talking about how cool fairies are and how they are totally real.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Scooped ya

gellaho

Dropping names all over, Simon

gellaho

Big whoops Simon

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

We were so close to getting Soviet Dracula.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Never too late

gellaho

"How can I explain the beauty of a terrier-dolphin-man hybrid to you?"

gellaho

Oh, you're worried about soiling the timeline now, doctor?

Brendo

Please help me correct my Dracula error.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Pffft, wheres the bold doctor who is unafraid to make a warthog man and fuck it?!

gellaho

"Also: fuck you, asian friend who housed me"

Velo, Electric Ghost

"aw"

gellaho

Goddammit, Simon, you write "moistened his lips!" You do it right!

Brendo

Okay, he called out the coincidence twice, if this doesn't end in causation, he's a crap writer.

gellaho

This is fine

gellaho

Can't see how that could go wrong

Meanwhile: our main character reads reports

Velo, Electric Ghost

Wasn't dracula in this?

I could've sworn I was excited earlier

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

GLORIOUS PAPERWORK! HOT READING ACTION!

Maybe Simon will have someone do some filing.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Don't even have the excitement of Ian being here

gellaho

Simon then decides 80 pages in is a great time to summarize time travel

Followed by a discussion of fossil fuels and nuclear energy.

Why? Couldn't tell you

Velo, Electric Ghost

Simon can be kind of exhausting

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

It was probably on his mind at the time.

gellaho

Other than Simon Hawke wanted to and he'll do whatever he damn pleases 8 books in

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

And what are we gonna do? Not read it?

Pffft.

Simon Hawke was so out of fucks about that he made this book about a science Dracula.

gellaho

That's that chapter done

On to the Sublime Society of Beef-Steaks

Velo, Electric Ghost

Weirdly that is all historically accurate

gellaho

Bram Stoker: women's advocate

Brendo

Bros defining themselves by beef remains a thing.

Sidebar: Penny Dreadful is incredible acting and shit writing.

gellaho

Dundundun

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Right?

Velo, Electric Ghost

I KNEW DRACULA DID IT

gellaho

Meanwhile: in the year 2626

Velo, Electric Ghost

oh back to this bullshit

gellaho

"You won't believe how much it conforms to your package"

Velo, Electric Ghost

I hope HG Wells dies

gellaho

Hmmm, nope. Don't like that

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Skyscrapers and flying cars visible outside, and Wells is marveling at a polyester onesie

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"We eat ass now. Everything else is so vanilla nobody even considers it."

gellaho

Anyway, back to Dracula

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"our greatest scientists have developed a technique with which one ass can eat another."

gellaho

Voivode

Velo, Electric Ghost

You got this, Bill

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Velo, Electric Ghost

What a great film

Brendo

You only wear an opera cape if you expect to step in shit getting there. If I can hover or turn into mist, I'm going flashy nude.

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Well, this being London we cant rule out it was some kind of poop disease so we are being told to investigate."

gellaho

Bleh

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Lol he trained the werewolf to be a coachman

Brendo

Turkey: always on the wrong side.

gellaho

One of the deadmeats is living up to his title

Brendo

So bad they make Vlad look good.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh no, not Rance Handsome

gellaho

Look who's back, back again

Velo, Electric Ghost

Oh right. another non-Dracula

gellaho

Everyone loves Andre

Brendo

Drakov != Dracula?

gellaho

It's your boy

Brendo

You vill be science-turned!

gellaho

I'm guessing Rizzo didn't have to try very hard to look like an Italian immigrant

gellaho

Oh, Jesus Christ

gellaho

Cheznoots

Brendo

Mai WAF

Velo, Electric Ghost

Wow

Just wow

Brendo

Her sister Flo, she'a here all week, I not get heet widda iron

gellaho

Mamma Mia

Brendo

I was positively chuffed to get shot!

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Ah! Some-a sorta lead-a meat-a ball-a has-a punctured-a my-a lung-a."

gellaho

Off to the next deadmeat

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I came in like a wrecking ball, I did I did"

gellaho

This twenty-two year old gets a lot of backstory

She survives the dart, so suck it Rizzo

Brendo

DIDN'T I SAY Pygmalion

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Two bob gets you anal.

Velo, Electric Ghost

This is the most drawn out My Fair Lady reference

gellaho

What a fun story

Velo, Electric Ghost

No it didn't sound perfectly in keeping with the time you fuck

gellaho

At any rate, one of the other deadmeats got his head twisted off

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Someone's head restin' on my knee,

Warm and tender as he can be,

Who takes good care of me,

Oh wouldn't it be loverly"

Would be fucking scandalous

Velo, Electric Ghost

How's Ian doing? Any sign of Ian?

gellaho

"I am not a vampire"

gellaho

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

All of that but in cockney rhyming slang so nobody knows what the fuck is happening.

gellaho

Poor Rizzo, getting blamed for something the vampire did

Velo, Electric Ghost

"I-a didn't-a do-a it!" shouts the problematic ghost of Rizzo

gellaho

"I'm not a vampire!"

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

"Just a little temporary anemia."

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Rizzo left this basket of garlic lying around. Get rid of it, Ransome."

gellaho

Sick, squatting at HG Wells' place

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Rizzo also left this delicious garlic focaccia."

Brendo

The thing with Hawke is his Act I is the length of Act II and his Act II is the length of Act III and there's never an Act III.

gellaho

Steiger really wants to keep this lady prisoner

Velo, Electric Ghost

That does actually explain a lot

gellaho

Something

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Just tell her its fuckin vampires, people in Victorian times were fucking stupid, its easy to lie to them.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Bye Jasmine

Brendo

Hey, cool, that's my favorite Wax Tailor song.

gellaho

Thems some fancy tongs

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

hahahahahha Simon! You king! You did enough research to know about 19th century Chinese secret societies and their role in aiding the Chinese diaspora!

Nice.

gellaho

Let's just see an example of how this tong operates and... uh

gellaho

Brendo

Oh damn, it's one thing to cuck a man, it's another to becuck a man.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Hey Simon what the fuck

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Damn, and she even got a sweet tattoo out of the deal!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Weird

Truly the Orient is a strange and mysterious place

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Way better than a horse head.

gellaho

China v Dracula

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

Oh sweet, Simon saw Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires.

gellaho

Jasmine getting ready to fight Dracula

gellaho

That seems as good a place to pause as any

Dracula will return

Velo, Electric Ghost

Oh my god it's a two parter

Butt Wizard Flippant Sausage

hahahahah fuck yeah.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Thank you @gellaho !

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

The time cops really took a back seat in this one

We barely even had a chance for people to get horny over Andre

Brendo

A good stopping point. See you next week when the story starts.

Goddamn, even Eternals only spent 80 minutes getting the team together.

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 126.5

Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper - Part 2

Simon Hawke is unhinged! Dracula has stolen a non-main Time Commando and turned them into a vampyre! There are literary luminaries everywhere; H.G. Wells has been kidnapped to the future by Dr. Moreau and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is convinced there are werewolves on the loose. Many deadmeats have died, and our main characters have been completely sidelined as is the Simon Hawke way. Join me for the whirlwind conclusion this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Vooster

Counter was reset today, many times, but I will go ahead and schedule a counter reset for Friday

Sorry I missed the first part, I'm sure it will not affect my understanding of the story in any way

gellaho

In all honesty, you'll be fine

gellaho

I love being talked about like a mystical figure

Speaking of, coming up in one hour, it's Time Wars #8: The Dracula Caper Part 2. Here's where we left off

gellaho

Here's where we're going

Velo, Electric Ghost

Devastated that I'll have to miss this book cage. Someone let me know if my theory turns out to be right I think Dracula did it

FancyShark

We'll miss you!

FancyShark

If he knows what's good for him

FancyShark

Wolf MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

I can't hear the name Rizzo without thinking of the muppet so this is already a hilarious mental image

FancyShark

BOOK

CAGE

:sharkparty:

gellaho

Once again, here we go

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Time to- uh, Drac? You're getting washed out by the- Drac?

gellaho

Dracula is very dramatic

FancyShark

Do we know Drakov's plan yet?

Is it "monsters"?

gellaho

Cry for poor Rizzo

gellaho

We do not

But Oscar Wilde showed up for no reason

FancyShark

"Now I will show you my vacation pictures," said Drakov. Rizzo howled again.

FancyShark

Hell yes

gellaho

Dragons always be impalin'

FancyShark

That's a different, swampier story

I assume this means he has scales

gellaho

Making a Dracula involves more time travel, genetic engineering, and cyborgification than I expected

gellaho

FancyShark

This feels needlessly complicated

gellaho

Simon out here with his 28-step Dracula plot

FancyShark

Especially since he was having them raised in time periods where people were more likely to murder a vampire or wolf child

gellaho

It's all part of the plan

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Standard operating procedure I'm sure

FancyShark

Hi, @Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger !

gellaho

They are gaslighting the guy they kidnapped, just for fun

gellaho

Vague time terrorism seems to be the goal

FancyShark

If Drakov was doing this all as a massive prank, I would respect it more

gellaho

That and daddy issues, as per usual with Drakov

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

"Dracula is my spiritual guide" is going on my bumper right next to "I ate mothman's ass"

gellaho

And he's passing on his daddy issues to Dracula

FancyShark

"Abandon you like I did for multiple years of your time? Would I do that?"

gellaho

Drakov already losing Dracula here

FancyShark

"Why would you do this?"

gellaho

"Just put them in farms, breed them and eat them. I'm not evil"

FancyShark

"You have intelligence. You ask all the salient questions and point out all of the flaws in vampire lore. I'm sure you can figure something out."

gellaho

Humans breed quickly. One on average every 9 months, that's fast right? I've never looked at any other reproductive statistics

FancyShark

I love this plan. This is a Dungeon Master getting pedantic with their own campaign.

gellaho

It takes dogs like three years to give birth, right?

FancyShark

It takes at least a decade to bite someone

gellaho

Anyway, Drakov lies to Dracula about the Utopian future

FancyShark

So the problem solves itself, is what you're saying

gellaho

Dracula sad

gellaho

I live a charmed life

FancyShark

hahaha

"I have made you miserable, self-aware and capable of empathy! Go be evil and definitely don't just kill yourselves and invalidate an entire weekend of hard work!"

gellaho

Meanwhile, Bram Stoker meets with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle for some reason

FancyShark

Time to get literarily wreeeeeecked

gellaho

Simon Hawke: master of the English language

FancyShark

Hell yes on the new title, @gellaho

gellaho

It was the name of my first rap album

"He better not have mentioned it, Dracula is my idea OK? Original character, do not steal"

FancyShark

"Did he perhaps mention something about $20?"

gellaho

I would never believe silly things like vampires and werewolves. Now, fairies, that's a different story

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

I want Simon Hawke to write himself in next to all these authors

FancyShark

"No, dipshit. I'm talking about time travel."

Hi, @PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler !

gellaho

Don't tempt him, he's done that

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

I'm okwith him leaning into the madness

gellaho

It's when Simon is at his best

A pervert makes less sense than a vampire, thinks Bram Stoker

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

"What about a vampire pervert?"

FancyShark

Stoker thinks everything is vampires. He blamed vampires for the store being out of beets.

gellaho

Doyle going back to "Murders in the Rue Morgue" again

gellaho

Doyle & Stoker, coming this fall to CBS

FancyShark

They leave without paying for their Bloomin Onion

gellaho

Oh, Simon

Never stop

FancyShark

Confirmed: BG3 stole from Simon Hawke

gellaho

Simon of course spends a long paragraph explaining why

FancyShark

And Anne Rice stole from BG3

gellaho

Everyone does

Him or John Jakes

FancyShark

I like how Simon puts footnotes right into the text

gellaho

It's his way

Steele had a Colt left to him by his father that he gave to a biker gang to invade a nuclear fort in Nevada. It's possible Simon likes Colts

FancyShark

If it took more than five shots, you weren't firing like a Neilson

gellaho

Neilson comes from a long line of TV statisticians

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

Fast draw-ers measure in time, not velocity of the draw

gellaho

The classic "I'm HG Wells" trap

FancyShark

Now this party's getting sexy

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

the mention of Victorian homosexuality was foreshadowing

gellaho

Classic American behavior to be sure

gellaho

Those Brits, thinking the Wild West is forever

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

my name is Scott Neilson. Neilson. That's Neilson. Not "Nelson" like I'm sure you're thinking. So don't fuck it up. I have a gun and a chip on my shoulder from a lifetime of people getting my name wrong. Don't push me.

gellaho

"Enough to write a book"

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

The parties were wild

gellaho

Wells out here with the monologues

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

One should never write a paragrapgh too large to shove up one's own ass - me to Hawke

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

you question Hawke's anal circumferance?

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

I retract the comment

gellaho

gellaho

"Dis-ease"

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

tell and tell and tell and tell and tell, don't show

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

When did they grab Wells?

bc he predicted atomic bombs in a 1914 book

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

it's a genuinely good speech which makes me think he stitched it together from actual Wells quotes

FancyShark

Hawke can deliver when he focuses

gellaho

"We're fighting two guys whose names involve dragons, we're beyond draconian"

gellaho

Meanwhile, at the theater

PhysWiz vs Diamond Fondler

play some famous people BINGO with this book

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

"Bram Stoker led Conan Doyle backstage" is the start to a very different book

gellaho

The Sublime Society of Beefsteaks is still my favorite part of this book