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gellaho
It's Simon Hawke's umpteenth version of the post apocalyptic future, but this time with magic! Will Wyrdrune and Kira get away with their heist? How will nysteel figure into it? Will the old wizard on the cover eat those delicious Fruit Gushers? Find out this Friday, 5pm Eastern, as we delve into the world of The Wizard of 4th Street.
gellaho
@Brockway please pin this in a posh Fifth Avenue gallery before some wiz kids come and steal it
FancyShark
I'm sure this will be as elegantly crafted as his "time travel/alternate dimension" novels
gellaho
It definitely surpasses TimeWars
I'm struggling to get through Book 4 of that. No idea how there are twelve of those
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Thought this was going in a different direction
gellaho
And perhaps we can eventually get into the related materials
gellaho
I'll tell you in advance, the artist does not have a good handle on the human form
Digital Fartwork jakesy
He believes in the power of the forehead
gellaho
It becomes a real problem with the women
Cyberzone
I mean.. I've seen worse art
Digital Fartwork jakesy
He knows how to draw one face shape
Cyberzone
"I'm not afraid of the man who drew a thousand face shapes once. I'm afraid of the man who drew one face shape a thousand times."
Brockway
My gems!
FancyShark
Protect the amulet
gellaho
That wizard wearing a business suit under a robe is gonna take them from you
Brockway
Business Wizard. Biz Wiz if you're nasty.
gellaho
Simon Hawke's The Wizard of 4th Street starts in under an hour. Here's the preview
Signore Bastardo
I'll see if I can get through this SEO assignment but I'm also going to try to get into a comedy show tonight so...sigh, this is a good one I'd hate to miss.
FancyShark
No worries. This may end up being like Psychodrome, where it's still ridiculous but better written than his comedy books and less insane than Steele
FancyShark
Not a knock against Psychodrome. I just found that one more challenging to riff
gellaho
Time to begin
gellaho
People think they're retro listening to their LPs, Simon Hawke was listening to 78s
FancyShark
@Torso Patrol Hamb$ne , you joining in for another read?
Sounds like Simon and John had a lovely weekend
dr
God I hate that tagline
gellaho
We begin with a flying cab
FancyShark
Does Hawke think every cabbie has a turban as part of their uniform?
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
thanks for reminding me!
gellaho
Unimpressively flying
dr
This cabbie sounds like he might be a genie? So I'm gonna let it slide this time.
gellaho
I think it's more of a magic turban thing
FancyShark
Hawke's earned benefit of the doubt. But only so far
gellaho
Time for another post apocalypse
FancyShark
Makes ya think, don't it
gellaho
I hope you like the word thaumaturgy. It's going to be a thing
FancyShark
Seems like you could have set up an alternate reality instead of a future setting for magic, Hawke. But I'm glad you didn't because we've seen where that goes
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
wizard hipsters sound like a thing here
gellaho
Time for a magician fashion show
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
never have i felt so compelled to give a fictional character a wedgie
FancyShark
oh god, he's going to differentiate between each word for wizard
gellaho
Well, he's a drop out loser
Signore Bastardo
This is a sweet dedication.
Signore Bastardo
I don't like where this is going.
Signore Bastardo
It went somewhere else!
gellaho
Magic auction. WIZARDS ONLY
Signore Bastardo
Magic replaced all tech
FancyShark
"Mr. Hawke? How did they rebuild civilization to match our but with magic and not create the same problems?"
"Fuck you. MAGIC!"
Signore Bastardo
But there's a wizards-only auction.
gellaho
Do you remember when I said the thing about thaumaturgy
Signore Bastardo
Seriously, I wouldn't pursue fusion either if I could conjure up the precise gun or butter object of my choice for the same amount of expenditure in a wand instead of a 300-yard laser.
FancyShark
"United Semitic Republics Department of Antiquities"?
gellaho
Pictured: crazy auctioneer haircut
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
i was really hoping for House Party hair
FancyShark
The haircut snaps shut if a fly lands in it
Signore Bastardo
Don't let it distract you from those bambi-fuck eyes on the old man
He's Fuck Ape with a beard.
gellaho
Seems like the kind of person who'd be permitted to a high stakes auction
FancyShark
Leon Spinks
Yes, I had to look up how to spell his name
gellaho
It's going to be a thing
gellaho
Black magic is one thing, but misappropriation of funds!?
FancyShark
So nuclear annihilation means everyone lost some cash?
Signore Bastardo
How do you even bribe a magician.
FancyShark
Crystals
gellaho
I think this is more of an ecological disaster. They stopped using oil due to the magic
Signore Bastardo
But how will they lubricate their crankshafts?
Oh right, the cars are gone.
gellaho
It's the jewels what from the cover
Radio Smasher GDC
Ectoplasm?
Signore Bastardo
"Wizards only" in a city with 15,000 magically licensed cab carpet conductors.
Magic's like the punk rock scene, it falls apart as soon as it becomes the standard.
You think there are enough archeological rune digs to supply this system
Steele had a more functional world, and they barricaded Prince St. against CHUDs
FancyShark
They probably have a holiday to bury stuff for the next year
gellaho
The cab drivers are adepts. Adepts weren't listed on the sign. There are only a dozen types of magicians to keep straight, keep up
Signore Bastardo
So what, they're force-sensitive, but too old they are?
gellaho
This is a brilliant plan
FancyShark
Also, wizards are not sorcerors or mages
Those are separate classes. And there are only five mages in the world
Radio Smasher GDC
Similarly, salamanders are amphibians, not lizards.
Signore Bastardo
Wyrdrune is the kind of guy who would crawl through a perfectly good whorehouse to get to a gym sock.
gellaho
Pictured: The world's wealthiest wizards
Signore Bastardo
Hahaha, 800 dead because these idiots Three Stooged the fire.
FancyShark
Conjure Flame is a Lv 1 spell, but sure. Have flammable shit in a room only magic users will enter
Signore Bastardo
Everybody has incendiary reptiles, nobody stocks an extinguisher.
gellaho
Just summoning a hurricane in this ballroom
Radio Smasher GDC
Wizards stopping in a crisis to argue minutiae is another Pratchett thing.
Signore Bastardo
Yeah, but when he does it, it's because of their varying personalities being hilarious.
FancyShark
Proving again that Hawke is not Pratchett and he doesn't realize that
Signore Bastardo
This is just 20 wannabe heroes tripping over the solution already in their way.
Radio Smasher GDC
I'm going to take a drink every time I see something that's just Pratchett but worse.
FancyShark
You'll be dead by the top of the hour
gellaho
Well, don't worry about that because Wyrdrune and his new friend are out of there
FancyShark
S&M Brunette Babe
Signore Bastardo
Sweet, it's Silk Spectre 1602
FancyShark
Anyone have Hawke Bingo yet?
gellaho
Dark haired is a hard direction to follow
FancyShark
So is "babe" apparently
gellaho
The Wizard of the Small Apartment
Signore Bastardo
Cripes, it's Disgrace Jones over here
FancyShark
Oh, is he dizzy? I wish Simon would tell us
gellaho
Lip time
FancyShark
LIPS
Signore Bastardo
K-ki--illll meeee buzzed the stranger, gone as soon as she had arrived.
FancyShark
I want it on record now that if Wyrdrune does not have a bizarre rune anywhere on his body, he can go to hell for that name
gellaho
Sweet wizard shoes
Signore Bastardo
No his dad showed up drunk to the birth, "Whuhyr doin'?"
gellaho
Off to a great start
Radio Smasher GDC
Good to see the latex rubber industry survived the magic apocalypse.
FancyShark
Yay!
Keep punching him!
Signore Bastardo
He's a Best Buy employee, wrapped in a warlock, shrouded in a wizard.
gellaho
That room of incompetent wizards
FancyShark
GDC, take a shot
Signore Bastardo
The guy who lit the curtains on fire thinks blinding the entire room is inelegant.
Guys, you have my permission to blind me over trapping me in a room with 200 stampeding fools and a burning wall ten times out of ten.
gellaho
And what a magename
Radio Smasher GDC
Right now it's a deep swig of Amber ale.
Signore Bastardo
Butter beer, for you muggles.
Radio Smasher GDC
Also, the guy in cheap stage makeup criticising a smoke bomb.
gellaho
Melvin and Kira
FancyShark
Nothing endears an audience to new characters like an argument that doesn't matter over stakes we don't know
gellaho
C3P0 the broom
FancyShark
"Broom!" better be a curse word
Oh right. Hawke just stole the brooms from Fantasia
gellaho
FancyShark
SEE?!
Signore Bastardo
This broom just finished a Catskills summer engagement and is thrilled to return to the heart of Yiddish comedy in the Borscht Belt .
Radio Smasher GDC
I'm also going to drink when I see something that's Douglas Adams but worse.
FancyShark
GDC, you don't have enough booze for this
gellaho
Merlin's alive btw
FancyShark
The broom is a catty bitch, too
gellaho
Kira is very incurious about her world
FancyShark
This isn't how to do exposition, Simon
Radio Smasher GDC
Pratchett, Adams and now T.H. White. @FancyShark is right, I don't have enough booze.
gellaho
Just breezing through some Arthurian legend
FancyShark
So the Knights of the Round Table caused an ecological apocalypse?
And that's why there's no oil?
Radio Smasher GDC
Mordred.
gellaho
There's a significant amount of time between that and The Collapse
FancyShark
And the tree was never found?
gellaho
Felony wood chopping
FancyShark
Goddammit
gellaho
FUCK THIS TREE IN PARTICULAR
Radio Smasher GDC
Thomas Malory? Seriously?
You are not a subtle man, Hawke.
gellaho
Pictured: Merlin being "released"
Radio Smasher GDC
Merlin looks like an Inuit drawn by dr. Seuss.
gellaho
And then Merlin single handedly saved the world
FancyShark
egh
gellaho
Wyrdrune got kicked out of school for setting a concert on fire
gellaho
Seems like his thing
FancyShark
Nazgul. We've got Tolkien now
Signore Bastardo
It's the squiiiiiiiiid
This dude has a HISTORY of fucking up fire spells and he thought tossing a salamander would be a keen play.
gellaho
A very clever sorcerer who burns everything
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
White Snake Wizard
FancyShark
"But sir! There were flammable drapes!"
Signore Bastardo
More like Great White Wizard.
gellaho
That's a lot of description
FancyShark
Lot of conservative dressing in this book
gellaho
The artist decided to exclude most of that
Signore Bastardo
If he gets the Mind stone, we're borked.
gellaho
Mustafa is having a bad day
FancyShark
"The Minis, for one"
gellaho
Really bad day
Signore Bastardo
I'll say this
My very first thought looking at that cover was "He looks like he sweats."
gellaho
Radio Smasher GDC
"I'll just reuse this drawing of Ming the Merciless. No one will notice."
Signore Bastardo
Ah wait, Rashid has the jewel
and it's the mind stone.
gellaho
Paragriffin in the pawn shop
Signore Bastardo
A paragriffin's just an eagle.
gellaho
Signore Bastardo
That's not a paragriffin, that's a mostly-turtle.
gellaho
You get it, he's fat
FancyShark
I think the artist was trying to fuck Hawke, based on the glances these characters are throwing
Signore Bastardo
I don't want to tell you how long a paragriffin should be, but no less than two sentences.
gellaho
And in case it wasn't obvious that he was fat
Signore Bastardo
So why do they call you Fats?
FancyShark
You see, Chet? You're so fucking fat, you make other characters fat!
gellaho
Getting the required lip action
FancyShark
Fats was skinny his whole life, but his parents doomed him with that name
Signore Bastardo
Fatty Arbuckle was doomed too.
FancyShark
Bullies saw dollar signs when Fats was called in grade school
gellaho
Kira is great at bargaining
FancyShark
"Thanks for not just cutting my throat and taking the gems for yourself, angry rogue"
gellaho
Instant seller's remorse
FancyShark
It was easy because you didn't haggle!
Let me see your character sheet
gellaho
Oopsie doopsie
Signore Bastardo
Kira has way less claim to these stones.
Like even by Thieves' Rules.
I'm so confused. She refused to haggle, then said it was easy, but she should have haggled?
FancyShark
Kira's not used to this ruleset. She learned on 2nd Ed
Signore Bastardo
But it's okay because he seemed like he got away with ripping them off?
gellaho
Might as well sell them again. What could go wrong
Signore Bastardo
Kira doesn't even know their world's history, but she's the street wise one.
FancyShark
"Wasting your time with amateurs"? WHICH ONE OF US DIDN'T HAGGLE?!
Signore Bastardo
When do we find out she's from the world with the guy who has to TK-gladiate / gamble his way to freedom?
This is some Cynosure stuff right here.
gellaho
Very healthy relationship
FancyShark
"I hope it's on time because I hate waiting!"
"Me too!"
gellaho
Might as well not try haggling again
Signore Bastardo
I thought I hated you for costing me hundreds of thousands of dollars.
But now that we made ten thousand twice, I want to jump your broomstick.
FancyShark
Once Kira learns math, Wyrdrune's so dead
gellaho
Who could have foreseen this happening again
Radio Smasher GDC
Chekov's teleport
FancyShark
"Now I'll light them on fire!"
"Stop it, you fucking psycho!"
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
This is a great approximation of my first 5e game
gellaho
The dogbra constantly wished for death
FancyShark
It's either terrifying or adorable. I have two very different images going
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
A furry cobra that licks you a lot
gellaho
Kira is a little slow on the uptake
FancyShark
Yep. Those streetsmarts. They sure are there.
Signore Bastardo
A dogbra would have insane lats. I mean, imagine it.
Radio Smasher GDC
An adorable, but lethally venomous puppy.
Signore Bastardo
My dog scarfed a human turd in heroin park yesterday, so I can report that venomous puppies are real but still just barely worth it.
FancyShark
Would it have a voice like the king of hell?
Signore Bastardo
I no-remorse love that line.
It tells you a lot.
FancyShark
It rules
gellaho
You telling me these magic stones are magical?
FancyShark
Sweet. Infinite fraud
Signore Bastardo
So...would the auctioneers have been able to sell them?
gellaho
Looks like they're stuck together
Signore Bastardo
I mean, they were tomb-raided
John, Grand Master of the Arena
So how do the rules work? Shouldn't this magic property make them unstealable?
Signore Bastardo
Unsellable, untossable
But perhaps not unstealable
OR
maybe if you're dead they reset
They had to slay an archeologist moments before the auction.
gellaho
Oh, Fats, always fatting it up
FancyShark
haha, Fats thinks he knows what 'sexual' means
He's only heard stories from the mostly-turtle
gellaho
Could it be magic? Nah
FancyShark
It doesn't mean anything to the audience. Could you maybe elaborate?
gellaho
Fats calling up his hitman
Digital Fartwork jakesy
I don't care how old he actually is, anyone named Fats has to be born in 1915
I don't make the rules
FancyShark
Fats is gonna destroy them like a 24-piece nugget box
Signore Bastardo
Merlin rules in effect.
gellaho
Wyrdrune gets thrown out of a bar
Signore Bastardo
All Fats fall from oak trees in Sherwood when they reach 295.
FancyShark
Bartender's dead. It's so whimsical!
Signore Bastardo
How is that not counterfeiting, I ask you.
gellaho
Melty bartender
Signore Bastardo
"Woah, these aren't USdollars, buddy, I just printed some art on textile-weave rectangles."
Dr. Who Cares
Radio Smasher GDC
If your name is fats and you're not a jazz musician, you've missed your calling.
I do like that we know that all these synonyms are something different, but not how.
Signore Bastardo
Its currency is stuck on scarcity so everyone who can make all they need has to lie, trick, cheat, and steal to avoid penalties for artifical scarcity.
FancyShark
So, bitcoin?
Signore Bastardo
Finally, Kira brings some skills to the table besides hustling (nonsexual)
Signore Bastardo
Bitcoin what cause the Collapse.
Radio Smasher GDC
Damnit, beat me to the crypto joke
gellaho
Sure, that'll work
gellaho
Digital Fartwork jakesy
The…Wizard police?
FancyShark
"Jimmy, print me out some probable cause"
gellaho
The artist decided to reduce this to ball kick, bite, fall on ass
Signore Bastardo
Spider-Man left a note saying you're a bad guy so it's the clink, kid.
FancyShark
Melvin continues to morph into a cauliflower
Signore Bastardo
This book feels like it was written for a "Chevy Chase type" of special '80s asshole.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Ah so the stones could really more actually be described as rocks
Like the crack kind
Drugs
gellaho
I did so much reading
Radio Smasher GDC
Simon Hawke spent the same amount of time coming up with authentic arabic names as HP Lovecraft.
gellaho
Those foolish archaeothaumaturges
gellaho
Jesus, that was something to type
FancyShark
"Pay me by the page, you say? What about character count?"
gellaho
A fellow student of Merlin
FancyShark
And no one ever learned he had a Mind Gem in his face?
Signore Bastardo
Colt Blacke. Oddespel the Magician: WORLDS COLLIDE
gellaho
Comically evil is this Rashid
FancyShark
Getting some Corey Feldman vibes
gellaho
Simultaneously not very good at handling anything
FancyShark
Five hundred wives? There's no way he can manage that
Signore Bastardo
The rapidly falling birthrate is not a problem, Rashid.
I will PERSONALLY fix the depopulation issue.
gellaho
I don't think excavations are usually this painful
Signore Bastardo
Rashid throwing some strong Dubai vibes.
gellaho
How's the excavation going, Rashid?
FancyShark
White phosphorous. That thing that is still around where there's magic
gellaho
SKAAAAAAZZZZ
Signore Bastardo
That dude got his ass kicked for five straight panels.
gellaho
Oh, it continues
gellaho
Like a violent Mr Magoo
FancyShark
"You readers have seen industrial lasers, right?"
gellaho
Radio Smasher GDC
Industrial lasers are probably still a thing in this magical post apocalypse.
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
Industrial megaflare
gellaho
This is a lot of work and pain. Which is hilarious that he does not end up with the stones
FancyShark
There's only one answer: the gems are racist
gellaho
It was so exhausting he passed out and the excavation crew gave it to the auction
FancyShark
hahahaha
Eat shit, Rashid
Signore Bastardo
But but but
FancyShark
hold on, other "mages"? There's only five in the world
gellaho
The artist decided this needed a fire vagina
Signore Bastardo
Wyrd's been teleporting those gems ALL DAY
from a gathering of horny wizards
The first thing he did was teleport THOSE GEMS from a....flock? of wizards
Signore Bastardo
Having dated a redhead, he ain't wrong.
gellaho
That clumsy Rashid
Signore Bastardo
The gems AREN'T INTERESTED, Rashid, take a CLUE.
FancyShark
"Quick! Sell it!"
gellaho
Oh, and there are evil ancient ones
FancyShark
I'd count Lovecraft as another writer he's ripping off, but this is way less offensive
Signore Bastardo
So these are like...Arthurian evil ones.
gellaho
Kira getting burned by the news
Signore Bastardo
Not the Old Ones, more the Legendary Ones
Yhtmgrhfrthh the Unyielding. "Are you from Ry'leh?" 'No, Wales.'
gellaho
I don't think Arthur was over 2000 years ago
Signore Bastardo
Ooh, those assailants narced
Signore Bastardo
Yeah but it's not immediately after the Collapse.
FancyShark
Did we get a year for this setting?
gellaho
@FancyShark you remember when you said Corey Feldman
gellaho
It's typically 2400-2700 for these
FancyShark
Oh good. The artist even added gems that look like horns on the guy who's near a Star of David and the symbol of Islam
gellaho
Seems like something a woman would do
Signore Bastardo
I like the idea that the United Semitic Alliance or whatever merged the Abrahamic regions under like...mage stuff.
gellaho
I like his unibomber sunglasses
Digital Fartwork jakesy
“Do GUYS have rockin' tits like these?”
Signore Bastardo
"Well you may say the tribes of Israel are Allah's chosen but at least we both agree the seal of solomon fucks demons in the skull."
Signore Bastardo
Big-ass ray-ban Blu-Blockers is kind of a sheikhy stereotype from the '80s
gellaho
I'm not sure you're even human, Kira
FancyShark
What was that about 17 or 18?
Simon?
SIMON?
Signore Bastardo
Some men have tits, Karen, update your binary biases.
Signore Bastardo
Honestly? You look like a guy with quality tits.
Signore Bastardo
There's always a Raven.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The note about her shirt being see-through means she's been hoping to do that all day.
gellaho
Waistband pointing at the crotch
FancyShark
Yes you do, Kira
You absolutely do
gellaho
Choking the broom
FancyShark
I know what I fantasized about as a teen
Signore Bastardo
Ya know, if you're an adult and you know this is the best you're ever going to look, I would too. Me, I had love handles even at 155, nobody needed to see my abs.
WAIT
gellaho
It's the dead parent parade
Signore Bastardo
My lady here just shaded the Lady of the Lake three hours after learning the Arthurian legend.
Signore Bastardo
Didn't I call it? Yiddish broom.
FancyShark
"Did you have to give the broom a lisp? It's really offensive."
FancyShark
She's streetsmart
or something
gellaho
Lipppppsss means Time to go see Merlin
Signore Bastardo
Don't drag Merlin into this.
gellaho
Lt Italiano
Signore Bastardo
I don't call Obama every time I need help changing my health insurance.
I'm still confused. Cabs, buses, trains...are these magical or is someone still pumping oil?
FancyShark
The cab was controlled by a magical Puerto Rican in a turban
gellaho
They haven't been the same since that wizard turned their heads into bricks
gellaho
They are piloted by wizards
FancyShark
Hammerhead wasn't the same after Spider-Man left
gellaho
Adepts, excuse me
FancyShark
Also, dear god. Shave your hands, Detective
Signore Bastardo
Right but like...are they not dragons or something? Do they have lubricated bearings? Is it old mechanical trains with a demon heart in the cab? They sell toys of the old "medival" taxis.
Signore Bastardo
They look like Dick Tracy villains.
gellaho
That damned magic bureaucracy
FancyShark
And no one could just conjure one of those licenses
gellaho
The security was literally just that sign
Signore Bastardo
I'm just so confused about how this society functions. Magic is so integral, everybody recognizes the various classes, but also there aren't many and people are just used to them fucking with their perceptions?
gellaho
Pasta Risotto
FancyShark
So they solved oil and profiling but not bureaucracy or fire hazards
Signore Bastardo
Borodoni, you sonofabitch!
gellaho
It's a great idea to have a character named Rozetti and Riguzzo
not at all confusing
FancyShark
I'm shocked we haven't seen an Irishman yet
Signore Bastardo
Beat cops are a'comin'
FancyShark
Ah, true
gellaho
Hey, it's Ponyboy
Signore Bastardo
"Faith 'n' begorrah!" said Officer Leprechaun. "I've nae seen such a sight!"
FancyShark
"Run into any fires, Ponyboy?"
gellaho
Cleary is Irish
FancyShark
Dammit
Hawke can't resist the call of the Emerald Isle
gellaho
Listen, she dresses like a dude and she sucks, OK
Signore Bastardo
The rewards for the arrest are less than the bottom bid from the fence.
not Fats but the general fence populace
FancyShark
She couldn't possibly do it, but she did, see?
gellaho
Certainly a nickname worthy of kings
gellaho
FancyShark
"As revenge, he slit open the belly of the guy running the carousel and wrapped his guts around the horsey. Then he switched it on."
gellaho
MEANWHILE: Waistband pointing to the crotch
FancyShark
How dare he say she not resemble a prostitute
Signore Bastardo
HOW DID THE CAROUSEL RUN WITHOUT ELECTRICITY
gellaho
Do I talk about my tits too much?
Signore Bastardo
Maybe she is a hooker and she thinks he's denigrating sex workers.
Maybe she's just a 9th Ave hooker.
A very different form of hooker, I tell you this.
gellaho
Also, they're in Boston now
Signore Bastardo
Actually, you wouldn't even hook on Park Ave. That's call-girl country.
gellaho
Merlin: son of a sex demon
Signore Bastardo
The best way to attract as little attention as possible is to transform you into a knockout and introduce ourselves to the guy we're scamming.
Radio Smasher GDC
high-style dirty weekend really makes me wonder about that hyphen placement.
Signore Bastardo
Ugh
So Merlin's mom got pregnant by a sex demon that appears at your bedside.
FancyShark
Incubi are known for their spirituality
gellaho
Fats's hitman is not happy with the messiness of the assassination
Radio Smasher GDC
I dropped out for some of this but did Hawke steal the living backwards through time bit from White as well?
FancyShark
Another conservative dressing. Collect the whole set!
FancyShark
Unsure yet, but probably
gellaho
Fats's handkerchief was soaked
Signore Bastardo
Who machines the guns?
gellaho
you seem very confused by the concept of magic
Signore Bastardo
Who provides the power?
FancyShark
Lightning imps
Signore Bastardo
Like it seems every single job requires an adept.
FancyShark
Yeah. They're the bedrock of this society
Signore Bastardo
If you told me there were exactly as many magicians as electrical engineers and cabbies just got bottle-imp batteries at the garage, cool.
gellaho
The Great Goldini was a sad man
Radio Smasher GDC
It wouldn't be a Simon Hawke book without a poorly conceived apocalypse.
FancyShark
I'm sure Hawke has a perfectly good reason why every single thing has to be done via manual magic and didn't throw this together on the back of a napkin
Signore Bastardo
I don't want to live in this world where a touch of lace is the conservative amount that will draw no attention to a hitman.
gellaho
I think I'm fine without him giving me the population of every type of magician
Signore Bastardo
That implies a surfeit of lace.
gellaho
And if he did, I would skip the fuck out of that
FancyShark
He gave us the population of the mages. He thought about that
Signore Bastardo
Lace has two uses: curtains and lingerie. Everywhere else it's like having your dick out.
Radio Smasher GDC
By conservative touch of lace, does he mean that the presence of lace is conservative, or the amount of lace is conservative?
gellaho
Well, it was only five. That's significant. You tell me there are 5million warlocks, 4million wizards, 10 million adepts, I stop caring
FancyShark
Wait. THAT'S why they had flammable curtains in the auction house!
Gotta put it somewhere. Lace curtains must be standard in every building
gellaho
Cry for the stage magician
FancyShark
Goldini's final trick is slitting his own wrists
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Mr Goldini already lost his dream
FancyShark
Has he been on stage this whole time?
Signore Bastardo
wait
gellaho
Nah, this is after the flashback
FancyShark
oh
Signore Bastardo
So this WHOLE society is within one lifetime of magic being a myth
FancyShark
That or Goldini comes from a very sad family
Signore Bastardo
If magic were real, stage magicians would become kings.
HOW DOES HE DO IT?
gellaho
Well, two lifetimes
Signore Bastardo
Actual wizards would be in the front row, like "I can confirm no spells were cast."
FancyShark
That's a really good point
Signore Bastardo
Okay, I buy that. Laura Ingalls Wilder crossed America in a stagecoach as a child and on a jet plane as a not-very-elderly woman.
gellaho
I mean, we live in a world where we can confirm no spells were cast too
Anyway, here's a rich asshole talking to a magic computer
gellaho
FancyShark
Magic computer. GDC, take a shot
I hope the printer is still an old impact printer that screeches as it feeds the paper
gellaho
Very expensive magic computer
FancyShark
"Did I fucking stutter, magic man?"
gellaho
You know how you can just stop a trace by saying "no"
Signore Bastardo
gotta boogie. {savepoint}
gellaho
His computer screamed before it died
FancyShark
That's hardcore. I've wanted computers to do that
gellaho
We have a Hardy Boys exploding computer
FancyShark
Must've been a virus
gellaho
NO, MY PRECIOUS PAINTINGS!
FancyShark
OIL paintings?
Commit, Simon!
gellaho
It was personal. Personally about paintings
FancyShark
The computer was sentient and could feel pain. RIP, paintings
gellaho
Apparently Wyrdrune means "overeager to master spells far above one's level and fucking them up"
FancyShark
Thanks, Merlin. These fires are all on you
I'd also like to reference my statement from earlier. Wyrdrune can go to hell
gellaho
Merlin: big fan of Gandalf and cigar store Indians
FancyShark
You already referenced Tolkien, Hawke. We get it
gellaho
Merlin, everyone
gellaho
So the Biz Wiz is Merlin
FancyShark
Irish hat. That counts!
gellaho
He's aware
FancyShark
Merlin the sociopath
gellaho
It seemed like a good idea at the time
FancyShark
"How could anyone have stopped you from doing something so stupid?"
gellaho
"Why aren't you dead, Melvin?"
FancyShark
Sure is a shame it's impossible to rewrite reality to make this idiot competent
Or take away his magic
Or kill him
Or help him get a job
gellaho
More magical computers
FancyShark
"So useful. Imagine a society where computers are commonplace, or even super advanced! Anyway, magic"
Radio Smasher GDC
Oh, that's just C++.
gellaho
Because my ego makes me believe I am the oldest thing in the world
FancyShark
AARP hates this one weird wizard
Radio Smasher GDC
"I am concerned that I cannot read these runes" is what I'm going to say next time I'm asked to edit someone else's code.
gellaho
In short Melvin, fuck you
FancyShark
We'll return to Melvin & Merlin right after this
gellaho
Pony calls up Mustafa. It doesn't end well
gellaho
Snake phone
FancyShark
Mustafa also called collect, because he's a dick
gellaho
Riguzzo always knew it would end in telesnake death
FancyShark
Like the old Italian proverb says: "AAAAGGGGHHH! SNAKES!"
gellaho
Snakes on a Phone
FancyShark
"Just don't go near the phone."
"No, dammit. Okay, how about something with more people?"
"Go on."
gellaho
Fats died as he always wanted. Char-broiled
FancyShark
Great detective work, Riguzzo
gellaho
All this fire is really pointing to the pyromaniac Wyrdrune
FancyShark
This subplot feels like it belongs in a different story
gellaho
OK, so it looks like the year is 2245
FancyShark
They have insurance in this world? Where magic can summon doom without warning?
gellaho
Kira's having a party
gellaho
Simon, you could have just said The New Romantics
You referenced Metallica and GNR in Steele, it's fine
FancyShark
Is salsa heretical to scotch?
gellaho
Kira's going full rogue
gellaho
also, "he fingered the gash"
I mean
FancyShark
Remember: 17 or 18
And Wyrdrune's in his 60s
gellaho
Murder time
gellaho
The old man thing was a disguise
FancyShark
oh right
gellaho
Remember, he got thrown out of college a couple of years ago
FancyShark
ahh, right
gellaho
Goddamned unions
FancyShark
His girlfriend died in a fire
Radio Smasher GDC
His name means "Legally Distinct from Rincewind".
gellaho
No, she left him for a hunk
FancyShark
A wizard chad
gellaho
There's horny Simon
FancyShark
Took a while. We thought we lost you after the nipples visible through the shirt
gellaho
He's going full lips and legs, look out
gellaho
The stones give Kira regular steroids
FancyShark
Yes, but what about her lats?
gellaho
I wouldn't know, the comics ran out a while ago
Uh oh, Merlin sucks too
FancyShark
At least we know why Melvin was a failure
gellaho
I guess this might as well happen
FancyShark
Sure. Why not
gellaho
Simon Hawke tried to keep it contained too long
This is definitely going to work out
FancyShark
That's not love, chief
Radio Smasher GDC
There's nothing wrong with casual wizard sex.
gellaho
Real smooth, Wyrdrune
Radio Smasher GDC
I stand corrected.
gellaho
Jesus, that escalated quickly
FancyShark
But his ex totally left him because she was a golddigger
This guy's the opposite of the hero from Psychodrome
gellaho
Yeah, but I am enjoying this
FancyShark
hahaha
Hawke heard his neighbors fighting and adapted it for his book
gellaho
These two are all over the place
gellaho
C'mon, Hawke. Moistened her lips. That's your catch phrase
FancyShark
I'm more creeped out by Hawke's avoidance of the word "sex"
gellaho
He has been more graphic
FancyShark
In other books, or in passages you skipped?
gellaho
He was very graphic with a cunnilingus scene in Jagged Steele
It was awkward to read out loud
FancyShark
hoo boy
gellaho
That's not good
FancyShark
yeah, that's not something you want in a public read
Time for a collect call from...Snake
gellaho
But nevermind that, time for some rude gnomes
FancyShark
nice
gellaho
Merlin hates hippies
FancyShark
FFS, now there's Druids, too?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
How many though? We need to know.
To hell with what all these categories of spellcasfer actually do.
gellaho
Merlin muses on nostalgia
gellaho
FancyShark
Slaves have a different view of the past
gellaho
Merlin's having an episode
gellaho
The lips of prophecy
FancyShark
Get it? Hawke read Tolkien. GET IT?!
gellaho
"I've got it! The CIA killed JFK!"
FancyShark
My god. It all falls into place
gellaho
Numerology holds the key to... something
gellaho
The living triangle, the warding pentagram, things everyone understands
FancyShark
Of course. The d4.
gellaho
Beware the Dark Ones and the Post-Collapse
FancyShark
So, kill Melvin?
gellaho
Well, that seems as good a place as any to stop. I'm only halfway through this thing
FancyShark
oh dang, okay
I'm glad there was a lot to riff with this. Hawke really doesn't know how to handle fantasy
gellaho
Before I completely finish, let me share Simon Hawke's essays from the comics
FancyShark
ooo, yeah!
gellaho
I think this one is a lot better to actually read than The Reluctant Sorcerer. The pacing is actually pretty decent
FancyShark
For sure. It's still goofy as hell, but he's not trying to be funny
Reluctant Sorcerer is an endurance test
Still fun to mock, but far more painful
gellaho
Part One
gellaho
I don't know why they had to put this in two columns, it makes it so hard to read
Tolkien meets Bladerunner
FancyShark
Must have been a page limit
gellaho
In case you forgot, Robert Aspirin is one of the bad fantasy parody assholes
gellaho
Simon Hawke decides writing Louis Armstrong phonetically is a good idea
FancyShark
Kudos to Hawke for his enthusiasm. Not sure he knows what makes him actually weird
gellaho
Then he starts talking about Stephen Wright and Robin Williams for some reason
FancyShark
Hawke doesn't seem to understand delivery
gellaho
The thing I like about Hawke is that he does what he wants
FancyShark
I can respect that
gellaho
He seems like he's capable of writing well, but he'd rather enjoy himself and have fun
To the Wizard of 4th Street comics that never existed
gellaho
That's the end of this weeks' Book Cage...for now
FancyShark
Right on. Thanks, @gellaho !
gellaho
Let me see if there are any images I missed from this comic I need to share
There is a strong indication that the guy drawing this never drew women before
gellaho
or he just hated Kira
FancyShark
It's like he only drew old women before and figured "Just take out the wrinkles and they're young"
gellaho
They also didn't understand onomatopoeia
gellaho
Like "knock" has a spelling
everybody knows that
I don't know how NAK gets in there
FancyShark
Nok nak nok
Radio Smasher GDC
As far as onomatopoeias go, it's no snikt.
gellaho
They must have had pages to fill, because this is nothing
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Dark Horse seemingly couldn't sell advertising on this for anything. There are only advertisements for Dark Horse in these
FancyShark
They really did seem to just be waiting for the 20th Century Fox movies to bail them out
gellaho
It's sad that this got more issues than The Wizard of 4th Street
gellaho
If there's something the world never needed it's Captain America parodies
FancyShark
"What if...hear me out...what if he killed people?"
gellaho
The second issue is a lot more dynamic
FancyShark
Was the comic from the 90s or were we still in the 80s for Wizard of 4th Street?
gellaho
The problem is that half of it has no dialog
gellaho
1988
FancyShark
Ah. So we were right at the spot before the grimdark flood
gellaho
Like, this is pretty good
FancyShark
Heck yeah it is
Who was the artist?
gellaho
Unfortunately the next page is this
gellaho
Phil Normand
He seems a lot more comfortable drawing Rashid than anybody else
FancyShark
Yeah. Rashid actually looks human
Radio Smasher GDC
She looks like she's halfway through a werewolf transformation sequence.
gellaho
Like, this is how he draws Wyrdrune
FancyShark
Human-esque, but still weird
gellaho
Behold the sexual tension
gellaho
I mean, come on
FancyShark
Yeah. The artist gave up on that one
gellaho
Wyrdrune gained 100lbs
gellaho
And there's our assassin, standing in front of the dildo fence
FancyShark
The assassin looks good too
Either villains are more fun to draw or the artist really hated the heroes
gellaho
But that's it, the last 8 pages are devoted to Dark Horse stuff
FancyShark
huh, weird
gellaho
Buy your Concrete merch, whatever that is
gellaho
Buy your formless blob man
FancyShark
Legally Distinct The Thing
The Marvel One, Not The John Carpenter One
gellaho
how dare you accuse Paul Chadwick of theft
Whoever that is
FancyShark
That blob looks like the most disappointing toy
gellaho
Wyrdrune and this half-naked woman say buy back issues!
FancyShark
"Sporting one point of articulation!"
gellaho
They are sold out of The American! Somehow!
FancyShark
They're out of issue 2 of Boris the Bear?!
gellaho
Phil Seuling should have pressed for a better award
FancyShark
hahahaha
gellaho
They have a limited supply of the "infamous slaughter issue"
whatever the fuck that means
FancyShark
He had to choose his words very carefully when he told his family about it
I need to still make dinner, so have a good night, gellaho! Thanks for the fun read!
gellaho
Nighty night
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
Rad book cage this week. I got interrupted by food preparation. Didn't know ladles of bacon took so long to make.
gellaho
Gracias
John, Grand Master of the Arena
@gellaho Also had to dip out early, but thanks for what I was here for. Looking forward to catching up on the rest.
Toastygod
I'm on the west coast and didn't get in until an hour in. I tried to catch up but it moves way too fast. It was a really fun read though! Thanks @gellaho for doing them every week.
gellaho
I live to serve
gellaho
This week in The Book Cage, we will be finishing Simon Hawke's The Wizard of 4th Street. Now that Wyrdrune and Kira have gotten it on, what's next for the magical jewel thieves? What of Merlin, or those cops? And remember that computer that magically exploded? These questions and more will be answered in the conclusion, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway Business formal wizard is back, the only way to pay your magical taxes is to pin this post
gellaho
Less than one hour until the continuation of The Wizard of 4th Street. Here's the preview, as it still hasn't happened yet
FancyShark
It feels weird to be worried that the second part of this book might be awesome, especially after the first part
gellaho
All sorts of things will happen
Signore Bastardo
what I should be doing and what I am doing are two very different things, owing to a puppy with jetstream giardia and a cat who hates him but takes it out on me.
FancyShark
Aww, poor Jack
gellaho
Sounds like a hoot
Wizard time
gellaho
last we heard, the three gems Kira and Wyrdrune stole will be instrumental in some kind of apocalypse
Signore Bastardo
but let the record show I was doing very good writing for a hot 90 minutes today, and I am just going to take some Waverly Place Wizard action while waiting to be relieved of duty.
gellaho
Through this totally not stolen poem
FancyShark
Also, the gems can't be stolen, except when they were stolen
gellaho
And here is where we stopped
FancyShark
And so I say again, kill Karpinsky
gellaho
I say all of this because I didn't want want to start with Kira being kidnapped and naked
FancyShark
I forget. Who kidnapped her?
Signore Bastardo
In case that gag didn't land:
gellaho
Rashid Al'Hassan, the prince of the United Semitic Republics
FancyShark
Ah, thank you. The guy with the jewel in his head
gellaho
Good of him to introduce himself
FancyShark
Dick move, lecturing someone with no access to clothes about being nude
gellaho
Unpleasant
FancyShark
Gross
I choose to believe she was forced to do improv
Not quite as evil, but easier to stomach
Radio Smasher GDC
Hawke is dealing in several flavors of orientalism here, it's a very rich bouquet.
Signore Bastardo
I call bullshit, I had a cop tell me once about working security for a sheikh who took his wives to a strip club.
gellaho
So, that goes on for a while. Then she hits him in the face and he freezes her
Signore Bastardo
So is all light candles and magic again, or are the braziers more of an al'Hassan preference?
Signore Bastardo
Ah, the comedy stylings of Paula Poundstone, everybody!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Wyrdrune gets accosted in the elevator
FancyShark
Hey, now we're getting the preview bit!
gellaho
This blond man is the guy whose magic computer exploded
FancyShark
And another conservative suit!
Signore Bastardo
FRANK?
gellaho
There it is
gellaho
There's no way such a tiny gun could kill a man, you must be a wizard
FancyShark
Now a Swiss Army knife? That'd be instantly lethal
gellaho
What a hilarious prank
FancyShark
All according to plan
gellaho
Then Merlin just shows up and stops time
gellaho
As you do
FancyShark
Simon's really proud of that Stop spell
gellaho
Blondie tried to steal the stones. You can guess how that went
FancyShark
"Now, we take his stones."
Merlin takes out some pliers
gellaho
"What do you think this is? Magic?"
FancyShark
The Shadow. Still relevant in the far future
Signore Bastardo
I am so confused on which machines still work.
gellaho
"Listen, I'm a busy man. I simply can't help you save her or the world! It's not like I can stop time!"
gellaho
Wait
Signore Bastardo
Like simple mechanisms, yes, electricals no?
FancyShark
And all complex machines are run by magic interns
gellaho
There are people that can't use magic, I assume they still need electricity
Signore Bastardo
But the cabs run on magic
And to a yutz like me, a smartphone is essentially magic.
So maybe they just have thaumaturlogical batteries?
FancyShark
Merlin can't save Kira, but he can totally spend time chilling on a couch and making snide remarks at the idiot hero
gellaho
"Who do you think I am, Merlin?"
FancyShark
"Look, Wyrdrune, I'm not very well written."
Signore Bastardo
sidebar: cat on your lap is a helluva drug.
gellaho
"I don't know anything about this, so instead here is a long list of things I do know"
gellaho
"Again, I do not have time to save Kira"
"But, please listen to my lecture"
FancyShark
This is all still happening in the room with the frozen cops, right?
gellaho
"Am I descended from a sex demon, who's to say?"
gellaho
No, they teleported back to Merlin's house
But, he doesn't have time
FancyShark
Ah, of course
"Thanks for not asking what The Talk was like with an incubus father, Wyrdrune"
gellaho
But he does have time for a five page symposium on the old ones
Signore Bastardo
They only left the barest trace of influence in the world, also they were the Pantheon of every major culture outside Abrahamic tradition.
FancyShark
Yeah. You've never heard of them
gellaho
Ah, yes, the Gotterdammerung
FancyShark
Only world-ending event ever given a name. Shut up, Jesus. Sit down. Only one.
Signore Bastardo
So black magic is cool.
Necromancy, like the Rot, has its place. I can roll with that.
gellaho
If you love draining living things of life, sure
FancyShark
Is he honestly explaining mana points?
Signore Bastardo
Also, the sith were right about letting emotions run freely.
gellaho
So, to summarize this long thing. Some of the Old Ones decided that sacrificing humans for magic might be bad, so they had a war and most of them died
FancyShark
Strong argument
And that's why there's no human sacrifice in religions after Ragnarok
gellaho
Or, if you like using all the words
FancyShark
Oh shit. This was all one big advertisement for 5-Hour Energy Drinks
gellaho
Blah, blah, blah Old Ones fucked people
Signore Bastardo
Vegans vs. Omnivores 4D
Now he's doing the nephilim
FancyShark
"If someone with Old One ancestry, like me, could trace their lineage back, I'm sure they'd keep it a secret and not spend several pages telling it to someone else"
gellaho
And then the Old Ones killed themselves to lock up the Dark Ones
Signore Bastardo
This is a lot of pussyfoot for Merlin to propose they have sex.
Yet someone took the three keys out of the locked circle that they locked.
4D, I rest my case.
FancyShark
$5 says they're called the "Cerberus Stones"
gellaho
Jesus, magic flying sounds like hell
FancyShark
So they're burning through their high-level mages every holiday season?
O'Hare is just a mass grave
Every time you exit a plane, you're thanked by a mummy that was a virile young man or woman at takeoff
Radio Smasher GDC
On the train, they just burn the mages for fuel.
gellaho
White collar magic crime
Signore Bastardo
Why would you not have a DOZEN pilots
gellaho
Seems like they still use the same engines, but use magic combustion
gellaho
Seems like there's a better way
FancyShark
This whole society was designed by someone that wasn't bullied enough for bringing a d20 to school
Radio Smasher GDC
But also magic teleporting is a thing too, right?
FancyShark
Does it require absolute precision, or am I thinking of Nightcrawler?
gellaho
You have to be a really good wizard to teleport
It took everything out of Wyrdrune when he did it without the stones
Radio Smasher GDC
I guess if you can't master teleporting you can always be a pilot.
Signore Bastardo
Just feels like with all they can do, they could tie off a minimum cruising altitude.
gellaho
I'd keep that retirement to yourself Riguzzo, that's a death sentence
Signore Bastardo
I dunno, maybe a magic-based society stinks more than ours.. Feels like the point of this book is humans done fucked up no matter what.
FancyShark
Riguzzo's already throwing himself "X Days To Retirement" parties
Signore Bastardo
Yeah, I can't wait for meatheads Frank, Pat, and Tony from Staten Island to start wielding the seal of solomon against protesters.
gellaho
Zip-squeal?
Radio Smasher GDC
"Too bad this picture of my new granddaughter won't be able to stay on my desk for too long!"
FancyShark
Zip-squeal: Speedy Gonzales, but less racist and in mass quantities
Signore Bastardo
Zip squeal is definitely a fax
gellaho
Reminder that Wyrdrune is a fuck up
FancyShark
"...The Zodiac Killer"
Signore Bastardo
And not to speak on behalf of the modern-day Mexican people, but my 21st C understanding is that most folks think Speedy rocks.
He's got a good heart, he kicks ass at what he does, and he disables his antagonists without hurting them (much?)
FancyShark
Probably the case, but I went the coward's route to be safe
Signore Bastardo
What I'm saying is it's not my call to make, but if any Mexicans or Mexican-Americans want to defend Speedy I'll furnish testimony that I never laughed at him, only with him.
gellaho
I also want to go out eating spaghetti
Signore Bastardo
Frank Riguzzo? Of the Long Island Borodini Riguzzos?
Sunday spaghetti dinner is the best, though.
Just all the food you can take, nowhere to be.
gellaho
Steele?
gellaho
FancyShark
The story took a dark turn when they found out Frank was never a cop
gellaho
Merlin's secret police
FancyShark
Jimmy Hoffa: Merlin victim
Signore Bastardo
This absolutely takes place after Steele's New York.
Somebody with a Facebook catfish profile of a woman biting her lip contact Hawke to ask if they're sequential.
gellaho
Goddammed ~~FBI~~ ITC taking over my case
FancyShark
whoa whoa, that's not conservative clothing!
gellaho
Can you figure out what Authurian figure this lady is?
FancyShark
Ah, of course. Sir Bors.
gellaho
Editing went great
FancyShark
McGarry! O'Dwyer! Get yer arses down to Frank McGuinesses fer a pint an' potatoes!
gellaho
Simon's getting horned up again
FancyShark
Riguzzo is suddenly consumed by thousands of wasps
The last thing he hears is "Perv"
gellaho
Our blond friend is also Laurence Fishburne
Signore Bastardo
Wicked temptress of men, button your shirt to the throat, add a cameo pin, and a lace spray.
Cleary, you dumbfuck.
You work in the magic & gods dept.
FancyShark
Cleary saw a picture of Fenrir on the entrance exam and wrote "MOO COW"
gellaho
Sentient hyperdimensional matrix computer
FancyShark
Hyperdynamics refused to specialize
gellaho
Apollonius was the computer that exploded
FancyShark
And could feel pain
Signore Bastardo
Classic Joyce.
Why wouldn't you program onsite?
Go on, tell me.
What, a fackin' convoy ran this thing down the road to Area 51?
FancyShark
Look. We flew them out there already. You want those pilots' deaths to be for nothing?
Signore Bastardo
You could encrypt and upload slowly but securely.
Japan took a look at magic and said "But where are the computers?"
gellaho
Uh, oh, Simon
FancyShark
no simon
No
NO
Radio Smasher GDC
I came back at precisely the wrong time
FancyShark
There are other ways to make a villain evil, Simon!
Alpha Bro Greg (Wizard)
What the fuck you guys
The J Resurrections
man simon hawke loves writing about rape
FancyShark
I love that this is the precise moment everyone else starts commenting
Signore Bastardo
It's gotta be weird, being a eunuch AND an accessory to sex crime.
gellaho
Well, I'm just going to skip over that
FancyShark
Thank you
Also, fuck you, Simon Hawke
gellaho
Anyway, Wyrdrune is in a basement licking his lips
gellaho
Little weird that Merlin has a giant mansion with an unfinished basement
FancyShark
It's expensive to get one finished
Plus, Merlin's gotta have gargoyles and other things he'd have to move out of storage for that
gellaho
Merlin giving the horns to perform magic
FancyShark
Thwip
Signore Bastardo
Wait, Merlin BETWAY ME like Mark in the Room?
gellaho
ROCK N ROLL
FancyShark
SWEET!
gellaho
For some reason, this spell requires switching the places of Wyrdrune and Kira
gellaho
Even though they can teleport
FancyShark
"Thank god I saved you before anything terrible happened!"
gellaho
Wyrdrune then immediately teleport, himself back
Signore Bastardo
OH SITH It's a Force diade
FancyShark
To reiterate: Fuck you, Simon Hawke
gellaho
For some reason, this opens a pathway for Hassan to send things too
Signore Bastardo
I'm gonna say, give Hawke some credit. You had to do RESEARCH in the '90s to craft magical tropes.
There were like 22 web pages.
He found the commonly accepted mechanics long before they were codified.
FancyShark
Oh, I'm not throwing shade for his magic use. Just his timing
Signore Bastardo
well codified and accepted
gellaho
Ambrosius is definitely what you would choose to scream at Merlin
FancyShark
Don't bother casting a spell to make the thing explode at its destination, Merlin
gellaho
All this noise really irritates Merlin's old lady neighbor
FancyShark
Yep. Cross Merlin and you disappear. Or get an apology.
gellaho
Kira decides it's time to ask all of the questions in the world
gellaho
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Yes…they…are…irritating
gellaho
Merlin simply doesn't have the time to deal with the end of the world, goodbye
FancyShark
"But you can freeze time-"
"Goodbye!"
gellaho
Time for the cops to have some frightened lip action
FancyShark
"Do you need me to hold you?"
"For the last time, NOT NOW"
gellaho
They have an immensely pointless conversation with Merlin, and Morgan (aka Morgana) puppets one of the cops
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Wouldn't be a Hawke book without a fake Italian name
“Riguzzo”
Gtfo
gellaho
There were so many in this book
It's the return of no one's favorite, the neurotic broom
gellaho
Anyway, back to the cops
"I'm a cop now, I haven't been royalty for some time"
FancyShark
Shouldn't she be chopping firewood while saying that?
Radio Smasher GDC
Either that or fly fishing in a river.
gellaho
Dun dun dun
Radio Smasher GDC
Seems like anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of literature is at a huge advantage here.
gellaho
The Arthurian legend of incest
gellaho
And cucking
The J Resurrections
to be fair those are accurate to the legend
Signore Bastardo
Okay, first off Merlin is the George Washington, what is he doing in a flat.
Second Merlin contradicts himself with this white magic = ethical talk
gellaho
I imagine being named Mordred would turn you into a killer
Signore Bastardo
Mordred still carrying the weight of social convention.
Like your name starts with "Death" and ends with nothing else.
gellaho
Blah blah blah, he hates his mother
FancyShark
Wait. So Mordred is Morpheus?
gellaho
Yes
The J Resurrections
also what are we reading?
Digital Fartwork jakesy
They're all Morphin here
Signore Bastardo
Mightily!
gellaho
What couldst mean?
gellaho
The J Resurrections
so it's like, king arthur but in modern new york?
why does Hawke do that?
FancyShark
Far-future New York
The J Resurrections
he did robin hood as a detective too
FancyShark
After technology is destroyed but not
Radio Smasher GDC
Was it Hawke or Peters that did Space Beethoven?
The J Resurrections
droppin the beet
gellaho
Hawke has a book where a guy takes on the avatar of Beethoven, I think
I'm not sure what it actually is, I haven't read it
Radio Smasher GDC
This is the one I'm thinking of
Signore Bastardo
Beethoven is a common fiction worn by a great many Timelords.
The J Resurrections
nicholas yermakov is simon hawke
gellaho
Rashid wakes up the only way he can, moistening lips
The J Resurrections
why though? of all the historical dudes
honestly time travel writers always pick the most boring shit to time travel to
gellaho
The book opens with a woman using the image of a rain cloud. It's not about time travel
Signore Bastardo
Look, you don't invent a time machine without becoming an incel.
The J Resurrections
okay that makes sense
gellaho
Rashid goes through his morning routine of heavy drinking
gellaho
Gotta get drunk for your magic makeup
FancyShark
CALL NOW AND GET YOUR FIRST BOTTLE OF RASHID ANTI-AGE FREE
Signore Bastardo
Magic will take it out of you.
gellaho
Merlin said he didn't have the heart
Signore Bastardo
Anakin
I have failed you.
Qui-Gon was a Sith by the way.
gellaho
"You are far too power hungry. Also, you are a loser that nobody wants to hang out with"
Signore Bastardo
Sometimes Hawke just gets it.
I really freaking love him now.
Digital Fartwork jakesy
Simon is eternal
gellaho
I'll show you, Merlin, by doing exactly what you said I would
Signore Bastardo
If I am given enough power I can save EVERYONE.
FancyShark
He would build A NATION OF POWER AND SECURITY! ONE THAT WOULD NOT BEND OR BREAK!
wait
gellaho
I can't say he's not giving Rashid a backstory, but this is going on for a while
The Dark Ones seem to feed off his energy and show him dreams of human sacrifices every night
FancyShark
I'm still angry about the whole thing we know happened but gellaho mercifully skipped
gellaho
But the benefits are worth it?
Because he will indirectly kill merlin, I guess
FancyShark
This seems rather complicated when there's a Disintegrate spell
Signore Bastardo
Rashid's on that Kaecilius kick
time to cook a lady dinner and resume my column. Enjoy the fun and hit me with a recap, you sexy sorceri.
gellaho
What if I told you she's been hypnotized to kill whenever she feels rage
FancyShark
Whaaaaaat?!
gellaho
gellaho
"I can't eat doritos anymore, they remind me about destiny"
gellaho
Merlin's house exploded
Radio Smasher GDC
Merlin got Joe Hardy'd
FancyShark
Camera cuts to Bruce, who's so excited he keeps dropping his microphone
gellaho
Merlin's neighbor, the taint Christian
FancyShark
People still believe in a Christian God in this world?
gellaho
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT NAME
Radio Smasher GDC
Does the existence of King Arthur imply the existence of a Grail?
FancyShark
Good question
The Arthurian characters are supposed to be pagan god templates in this world, so...
uh
yes?
gellaho
Magical destiny seems unpleasant
FancyShark
It's the big one. Mordred's comin', Elizabeth
gellaho
Actually seems like it nearly kills his mom
FancyShark
This sounds like Simon's implying there was, BY CHANCE, a doctor
Why wouldn't you have a doctor on every flight since FLYING KILLS PILOTS?
gellaho
So she recovers, and teleports away with the cop. Simon decides now is the time to be coy
FancyShark
Simon's not into GILFs, I guess
gellaho
Suck it, Riguzzo
FancyShark
"You're just so sad and unappealing"
gellaho
They have a long discussion about parenthood. Then the apocalypse starts
gellaho
Goodbye, electricity
FancyShark
Wait, there are still power stations?
gellaho
Not everyone can use magic
Goodbye, baseball
FancyShark
Okay, I'd watch baseball if that happened
gellaho
RIP thousands of people in Peking
FancyShark
"It's multiple blackouts"
gellaho
Is three examples enough, nah. Bye Hawaii
FancyShark
This is turning into Dark Souls
gellaho
Oops, Rio
gellaho
FancyShark
Simon read a pamphlet on Rio
gellaho
And Moscow is toast
gellaho
And Rashid is in terrible pain, all according to his plan
FancyShark
After this apocalypse, they're going to stick with simple machines. Maybe wood blocks
gellaho
I'm assuming melting into his chair was part of his strategy?
FancyShark
If one of your plan's steps is "Become goo", maybe take a second look at the other steps?
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
“I'll become a puddle! That'll show him!”
gellaho
Turns out all three are descended from the Old One who survived the ceremony
gellaho
Mordred should have a better handle on how cousins work
What with him being thousands of years older than them
FancyShark
So Wyrdrune and Kira are related. Thanks, Hawke. You made them bone.
gellaho
They are related in a cosmic sense
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Lannisterring
Well it's all very biblical
gellaho
It's been two thousand years, so they are what, 20th cousins
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
At least. And I'm my own grandpa
FancyShark
okay, that's fair
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Like Fry in futurama
gellaho
The stones decided it was time to show Merlin eating shit
gellaho
There are only seven pages left in this book. The pace must be staggering
FancyShark
He wouldn't...
No
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Might be a tad rushed…
FancyShark
Simon wouldn't do that. This isn't his "comedy" series
Simon?
gellaho
Morgan has teleported with the old cop to fight the melted man
FancyShark
Would you, Simon?
I think he counts as prone, so she should be able to auto-crit
gellaho
Apparently, Merlin was there first, but Simon forgot to include that
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Shouldn't it be “Now, while they're weakened?”
gellaho
He arrived and fell into a pit without much reason
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Gotta watch out for those sneaky pits
FancyShark
Merlin the Klutz
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Whooops!
I mean didn't anyone watch 300?
gellaho
Morgan eats it
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
The Dark Ones
Also known as tired writing cliche #102b
The J Resurrections
"the dark ones(note to self find better name later)"
gellaho
How do you defeat a wizard with incomparable power?
FancyShark
FFS
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Incomparable power!!
Itty bitty living space
Bullets. The answer is bullets.
gellaho
Old Italian cop power is unparalleled
The J Resurrections
i've said, wizards are no match for guns
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Old cop from the Raid
FancyShark
"Just shoot him." Hawke's brilliant contribution to literature.
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Wait, wasn't he already a puddle? How did he become MORE a puddle?
The J Resurrections
im into just shooting the evil wizard as an ending
FancyShark
I guess his skin and guts melted and he was energy?
gellaho
Modred decides to teleport in after the gunplay
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
I'm starting to think this may not be a 5 star book…
gellaho
He stood up, so not completely melted
Riguzzo is feeling himself
FancyShark
"She had aged incredibly" doesn't sound right coming from someone as thirsty as Hawke
Taking a cop's gun is a crime, too
The J Resurrections
guys remember when i tracked Simon Hawke down sort of?
FancyShark
Yeah?
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
“Come on, let's have some International Foods coffee.”
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Please tell us
gellaho
@Digital Fartwork jakesy follows him on Facebook
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Oh wow 😯
The J Resurrections
i posted a q&a i found from him on his goodreads
FancyShark
Hawke himself seems to be a genuinely decent guy
The J Resurrections
he seems nice, he's just so bad at writing
gellaho
So, they're tracking the Old Ones. I guess Merlin survived the pit
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Ok in fairness, what is the fatal flaw that prevents this from being a 5 star ⭐️ book?
FancyShark
Gellaho learned from some interviews that Hawke just writes stuff he thinks will be fun. He doesn't give a shit if it's good. Which shows, but is also kind of awesome?
The J Resurrections
s'bad
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
Merlin got better
gellaho
And Riguzzo forgot everything
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
“I remember that I have amnesia…”
The J Resurrections
hey weird question, is product a placement a thing in books? and could it be?
FancyShark
"You can't even remember the apocalypse? You're so fired, Riguzzo."
Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G
I don't think so. It's fair usage
gellaho
And that's it, we have defeated The Wizard of 4th Street
The J Resurrections
yeah, but could the company pay you to do it? has anyone tried?
