39: The Wizard of 4th Street Simon Hawke

gellaho

Merlin's having an episode

gellaho

The lips of prophecy

FancyShark

Get it? Hawke read Tolkien. GET IT?!

gellaho

"I've got it! The CIA killed JFK!"

FancyShark

My god. It all falls into place

gellaho

Numerology holds the key to... something

gellaho

The living triangle, the warding pentagram, things everyone understands

FancyShark

Of course. The d4.

gellaho

Beware the Dark Ones and the Post-Collapse

FancyShark

So, kill Melvin?

gellaho

Well, that seems as good a place as any to stop. I'm only halfway through this thing

FancyShark

oh dang, okay

I'm glad there was a lot to riff with this. Hawke really doesn't know how to handle fantasy

gellaho

Before I completely finish, let me share Simon Hawke's essays from the comics

FancyShark

ooo, yeah!

gellaho

I think this one is a lot better to actually read than The Reluctant Sorcerer. The pacing is actually pretty decent

FancyShark

For sure. It's still goofy as hell, but he's not trying to be funny

Reluctant Sorcerer is an endurance test

Still fun to mock, but far more painful

gellaho

Part One

gellaho

I don't know why they had to put this in two columns, it makes it so hard to read

Tolkien meets Bladerunner

FancyShark

Must have been a page limit

gellaho

In case you forgot, Robert Aspirin is one of the bad fantasy parody assholes

gellaho

Simon Hawke decides writing Louis Armstrong phonetically is a good idea

FancyShark

Kudos to Hawke for his enthusiasm. Not sure he knows what makes him actually weird

gellaho

Then he starts talking about Stephen Wright and Robin Williams for some reason

FancyShark

Hawke doesn't seem to understand delivery

gellaho

The thing I like about Hawke is that he does what he wants

FancyShark

I can respect that

gellaho

He seems like he's capable of writing well, but he'd rather enjoy himself and have fun

To the Wizard of 4th Street comics that never existed

gellaho

That's the end of this weeks' Book Cage...for now

FancyShark

Right on. Thanks, @gellaho !

gellaho

Let me see if there are any images I missed from this comic I need to share

There is a strong indication that the guy drawing this never drew women before

gellaho

or he just hated Kira

FancyShark

It's like he only drew old women before and figured "Just take out the wrinkles and they're young"

gellaho

They also didn't understand onomatopoeia

gellaho

Like "knock" has a spelling

everybody knows that

I don't know how NAK gets in there

FancyShark

Nok nak nok

Radio Smasher GDC

As far as onomatopoeias go, it's no snikt.

gellaho

They must have had pages to fill, because this is nothing

FancyShark

hahaha

gellaho

Dark Horse seemingly couldn't sell advertising on this for anything. There are only advertisements for Dark Horse in these

FancyShark

They really did seem to just be waiting for the 20th Century Fox movies to bail them out

gellaho

It's sad that this got more issues than The Wizard of 4th Street

gellaho

If there's something the world never needed it's Captain America parodies

FancyShark

"What if...hear me out...what if he killed people?"

gellaho

The second issue is a lot more dynamic

FancyShark

Was the comic from the 90s or were we still in the 80s for Wizard of 4th Street?

gellaho

The problem is that half of it has no dialog

gellaho

1988

FancyShark

Ah. So we were right at the spot before the grimdark flood

gellaho

Like, this is pretty good

FancyShark

Heck yeah it is

Who was the artist?

gellaho

Unfortunately the next page is this

gellaho

Phil Normand

He seems a lot more comfortable drawing Rashid than anybody else

FancyShark

Yeah. Rashid actually looks human

Radio Smasher GDC

She looks like she's halfway through a werewolf transformation sequence.

gellaho

Like, this is how he draws Wyrdrune

FancyShark

Human-esque, but still weird

gellaho

Behold the sexual tension

gellaho

I mean, come on

FancyShark

Yeah. The artist gave up on that one

gellaho

Wyrdrune gained 100lbs

gellaho

And there's our assassin, standing in front of the dildo fence

FancyShark

The assassin looks good too

Either villains are more fun to draw or the artist really hated the heroes

gellaho

But that's it, the last 8 pages are devoted to Dark Horse stuff

FancyShark

huh, weird

gellaho

Buy your Concrete merch, whatever that is

gellaho

Buy your formless blob man

FancyShark

Legally Distinct The Thing

The Marvel One, Not The John Carpenter One

gellaho

how dare you accuse Paul Chadwick of theft

Whoever that is

FancyShark

That blob looks like the most disappointing toy

gellaho

Wyrdrune and this half-naked woman say buy back issues!

FancyShark

"Sporting one point of articulation!"

gellaho

They are sold out of The American! Somehow!

FancyShark

They're out of issue 2 of Boris the Bear?!

gellaho

Phil Seuling should have pressed for a better award

FancyShark

hahahaha

gellaho

They have a limited supply of the "infamous slaughter issue"

whatever the fuck that means

FancyShark

He had to choose his words very carefully when he told his family about it

I need to still make dinner, so have a good night, gellaho! Thanks for the fun read!

gellaho

Nighty night

Torso Patrol Hamb$ne

Rad book cage this week. I got interrupted by food preparation. Didn't know ladles of bacon took so long to make.

gellaho

Gracias

John, Grand Master of the Arena

@gellaho Also had to dip out early, but thanks for what I was here for. Looking forward to catching up on the rest.

Toastygod

I'm on the west coast and didn't get in until an hour in. I tried to catch up but it moves way too fast. It was a really fun read though! Thanks @gellaho for doing them every week.

gellaho

I live to serve

gellaho

This week in The Book Cage, we will be finishing Simon Hawke's The Wizard of 4th Street. Now that Wyrdrune and Kira have gotten it on, what's next for the magical jewel thieves? What of Merlin, or those cops? And remember that computer that magically exploded? These questions and more will be answered in the conclusion, this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

@Brockway Business formal wizard is back, the only way to pay your magical taxes is to pin this post

gellaho

Less than one hour until the continuation of The Wizard of 4th Street. Here's the preview, as it still hasn't happened yet

FancyShark

It feels weird to be worried that the second part of this book might be awesome, especially after the first part

gellaho

All sorts of things will happen

Signore Bastardo

what I should be doing and what I am doing are two very different things, owing to a puppy with jetstream giardia and a cat who hates him but takes it out on me.

FancyShark

Aww, poor Jack

gellaho

Sounds like a hoot

Wizard time

gellaho

last we heard, the three gems Kira and Wyrdrune stole will be instrumental in some kind of apocalypse

Signore Bastardo

but let the record show I was doing very good writing for a hot 90 minutes today, and I am just going to take some Waverly Place Wizard action while waiting to be relieved of duty.

gellaho

Through this totally not stolen poem

FancyShark

Also, the gems can't be stolen, except when they were stolen

gellaho

And here is where we stopped

FancyShark

And so I say again, kill Karpinsky

gellaho

I say all of this because I didn't want want to start with Kira being kidnapped and naked

FancyShark

I forget. Who kidnapped her?

Signore Bastardo

In case that gag didn't land:

gellaho

Rashid Al'Hassan, the prince of the United Semitic Republics

FancyShark

Ah, thank you. The guy with the jewel in his head

gellaho

Good of him to introduce himself

FancyShark

Dick move, lecturing someone with no access to clothes about being nude

gellaho

Unpleasant

FancyShark

Gross

I choose to believe she was forced to do improv

Not quite as evil, but easier to stomach

Radio Smasher GDC

Hawke is dealing in several flavors of orientalism here, it's a very rich bouquet.

Signore Bastardo

I call bullshit, I had a cop tell me once about working security for a sheikh who took his wives to a strip club.

gellaho

So, that goes on for a while. Then she hits him in the face and he freezes her

Signore Bastardo

So is all light candles and magic again, or are the braziers more of an al'Hassan preference?

Signore Bastardo

Ah, the comedy stylings of Paula Poundstone, everybody!

gellaho

Meanwhile, Wyrdrune gets accosted in the elevator

FancyShark

Hey, now we're getting the preview bit!

gellaho

This blond man is the guy whose magic computer exploded

FancyShark

And another conservative suit!

Signore Bastardo

FRANK?

gellaho

There it is

gellaho

There's no way such a tiny gun could kill a man, you must be a wizard

FancyShark

Now a Swiss Army knife? That'd be instantly lethal

gellaho

What a hilarious prank

FancyShark

All according to plan

gellaho

Then Merlin just shows up and stops time

gellaho

As you do

FancyShark

Simon's really proud of that Stop spell

gellaho

Blondie tried to steal the stones. You can guess how that went

FancyShark

"Now, we take his stones."

Merlin takes out some pliers

gellaho

"What do you think this is? Magic?"

FancyShark

The Shadow. Still relevant in the far future

Signore Bastardo

I am so confused on which machines still work.

gellaho

"Listen, I'm a busy man. I simply can't help you save her or the world! It's not like I can stop time!"

gellaho

Wait

Signore Bastardo

Like simple mechanisms, yes, electricals no?

FancyShark

And all complex machines are run by magic interns

gellaho

There are people that can't use magic, I assume they still need electricity

Signore Bastardo

But the cabs run on magic

And to a yutz like me, a smartphone is essentially magic.

So maybe they just have thaumaturlogical batteries?

FancyShark

Merlin can't save Kira, but he can totally spend time chilling on a couch and making snide remarks at the idiot hero

gellaho

"Who do you think I am, Merlin?"

FancyShark

"Look, Wyrdrune, I'm not very well written."

Signore Bastardo

sidebar: cat on your lap is a helluva drug.

gellaho

"I don't know anything about this, so instead here is a long list of things I do know"

gellaho

"Again, I do not have time to save Kira"

"But, please listen to my lecture"

FancyShark

This is all still happening in the room with the frozen cops, right?

gellaho

"Am I descended from a sex demon, who's to say?"

gellaho

No, they teleported back to Merlin's house

But, he doesn't have time

FancyShark

Ah, of course

"Thanks for not asking what The Talk was like with an incubus father, Wyrdrune"

gellaho

But he does have time for a five page symposium on the old ones

Signore Bastardo

They only left the barest trace of influence in the world, also they were the Pantheon of every major culture outside Abrahamic tradition.

FancyShark

Yeah. You've never heard of them

gellaho

Ah, yes, the Gotterdammerung

FancyShark

Only world-ending event ever given a name. Shut up, Jesus. Sit down. Only one.

Signore Bastardo

So black magic is cool.

Necromancy, like the Rot, has its place. I can roll with that.

gellaho

If you love draining living things of life, sure

FancyShark

Is he honestly explaining mana points?

Signore Bastardo

Also, the sith were right about letting emotions run freely.

gellaho

So, to summarize this long thing. Some of the Old Ones decided that sacrificing humans for magic might be bad, so they had a war and most of them died

FancyShark

Strong argument

And that's why there's no human sacrifice in religions after Ragnarok

gellaho

Or, if you like using all the words

FancyShark

Oh shit. This was all one big advertisement for 5-Hour Energy Drinks

gellaho

Blah, blah, blah Old Ones fucked people

Signore Bastardo

Vegans vs. Omnivores 4D

Now he's doing the nephilim

FancyShark

"If someone with Old One ancestry, like me, could trace their lineage back, I'm sure they'd keep it a secret and not spend several pages telling it to someone else"

gellaho

And then the Old Ones killed themselves to lock up the Dark Ones

Signore Bastardo

This is a lot of pussyfoot for Merlin to propose they have sex.

Yet someone took the three keys out of the locked circle that they locked.

4D, I rest my case.

FancyShark

$5 says they're called the "Cerberus Stones"

gellaho

Jesus, magic flying sounds like hell

FancyShark

So they're burning through their high-level mages every holiday season?

O'Hare is just a mass grave

Every time you exit a plane, you're thanked by a mummy that was a virile young man or woman at takeoff

Radio Smasher GDC

On the train, they just burn the mages for fuel.

gellaho

White collar magic crime

Signore Bastardo

Why would you not have a DOZEN pilots

gellaho

Seems like they still use the same engines, but use magic combustion

gellaho

Seems like there's a better way

FancyShark

This whole society was designed by someone that wasn't bullied enough for bringing a d20 to school

Radio Smasher GDC

But also magic teleporting is a thing too, right?

FancyShark

Does it require absolute precision, or am I thinking of Nightcrawler?

gellaho

You have to be a really good wizard to teleport

It took everything out of Wyrdrune when he did it without the stones

Radio Smasher GDC

I guess if you can't master teleporting you can always be a pilot.

Signore Bastardo

Just feels like with all they can do, they could tie off a minimum cruising altitude.

gellaho

I'd keep that retirement to yourself Riguzzo, that's a death sentence

Signore Bastardo

I dunno, maybe a magic-based society stinks more than ours.. Feels like the point of this book is humans done fucked up no matter what.

FancyShark

Riguzzo's already throwing himself "X Days To Retirement" parties

Signore Bastardo

Yeah, I can't wait for meatheads Frank, Pat, and Tony from Staten Island to start wielding the seal of solomon against protesters.

gellaho

Zip-squeal?

Radio Smasher GDC

"Too bad this picture of my new granddaughter won't be able to stay on my desk for too long!"

FancyShark

Zip-squeal: Speedy Gonzales, but less racist and in mass quantities

Signore Bastardo

Zip squeal is definitely a fax

gellaho

Reminder that Wyrdrune is a fuck up

FancyShark

"...The Zodiac Killer"

Signore Bastardo

And not to speak on behalf of the modern-day Mexican people, but my 21st C understanding is that most folks think Speedy rocks.

He's got a good heart, he kicks ass at what he does, and he disables his antagonists without hurting them (much?)

FancyShark

Probably the case, but I went the coward's route to be safe

Signore Bastardo

What I'm saying is it's not my call to make, but if any Mexicans or Mexican-Americans want to defend Speedy I'll furnish testimony that I never laughed at him, only with him.

gellaho

I also want to go out eating spaghetti

Signore Bastardo

Frank Riguzzo? Of the Long Island Borodini Riguzzos?

Sunday spaghetti dinner is the best, though.

Just all the food you can take, nowhere to be.

gellaho

Steele?

gellaho

FancyShark

The story took a dark turn when they found out Frank was never a cop

gellaho

Merlin's secret police

FancyShark

Jimmy Hoffa: Merlin victim

Signore Bastardo

This absolutely takes place after Steele's New York.

Somebody with a Facebook catfish profile of a woman biting her lip contact Hawke to ask if they're sequential.

gellaho

Goddammed ~~FBI~~ ITC taking over my case

FancyShark

whoa whoa, that's not conservative clothing!

gellaho

Can you figure out what Authurian figure this lady is?

FancyShark

Ah, of course. Sir Bors.

gellaho

Editing went great

FancyShark

McGarry! O'Dwyer! Get yer arses down to Frank McGuinesses fer a pint an' potatoes!

gellaho

Simon's getting horned up again

FancyShark

Riguzzo is suddenly consumed by thousands of wasps

The last thing he hears is "Perv"

gellaho

Our blond friend is also Laurence Fishburne

Signore Bastardo

Wicked temptress of men, button your shirt to the throat, add a cameo pin, and a lace spray.

Cleary, you dumbfuck.

You work in the magic & gods dept.

FancyShark

Cleary saw a picture of Fenrir on the entrance exam and wrote "MOO COW"

gellaho

Sentient hyperdimensional matrix computer

FancyShark

Hyperdynamics refused to specialize

gellaho

Apollonius was the computer that exploded

FancyShark

And could feel pain

Signore Bastardo

Classic Joyce.

Why wouldn't you program onsite?

Go on, tell me.

What, a fackin' convoy ran this thing down the road to Area 51?

FancyShark

Look. We flew them out there already. You want those pilots' deaths to be for nothing?

Signore Bastardo

You could encrypt and upload slowly but securely.

Japan took a look at magic and said "But where are the computers?"

gellaho

Uh, oh, Simon

FancyShark

no simon

No

NO

Radio Smasher GDC

I came back at precisely the wrong time

FancyShark

There are other ways to make a villain evil, Simon!

Alpha Bro Greg (Wizard)

What the fuck you guys

The J Resurrections

man simon hawke loves writing about rape

FancyShark

I love that this is the precise moment everyone else starts commenting

Signore Bastardo

It's gotta be weird, being a eunuch AND an accessory to sex crime.

gellaho

Well, I'm just going to skip over that

FancyShark

Thank you

Also, fuck you, Simon Hawke

gellaho

Anyway, Wyrdrune is in a basement licking his lips

gellaho

Little weird that Merlin has a giant mansion with an unfinished basement

FancyShark

It's expensive to get one finished

Plus, Merlin's gotta have gargoyles and other things he'd have to move out of storage for that

gellaho

Merlin giving the horns to perform magic

FancyShark

Thwip

Signore Bastardo

Wait, Merlin BETWAY ME like Mark in the Room?

gellaho

ROCK N ROLL

FancyShark

SWEET!

gellaho

For some reason, this spell requires switching the places of Wyrdrune and Kira

gellaho

Even though they can teleport

FancyShark

"Thank god I saved you before anything terrible happened!"

gellaho

Wyrdrune then immediately teleport, himself back

Signore Bastardo

OH SITH It's a Force diade

FancyShark

To reiterate: Fuck you, Simon Hawke

gellaho

For some reason, this opens a pathway for Hassan to send things too

Signore Bastardo

I'm gonna say, give Hawke some credit. You had to do RESEARCH in the '90s to craft magical tropes.

There were like 22 web pages.

He found the commonly accepted mechanics long before they were codified.

FancyShark

Oh, I'm not throwing shade for his magic use. Just his timing

Signore Bastardo

well codified and accepted

gellaho

Ambrosius is definitely what you would choose to scream at Merlin

FancyShark

Don't bother casting a spell to make the thing explode at its destination, Merlin

gellaho

All this noise really irritates Merlin's old lady neighbor

FancyShark

Yep. Cross Merlin and you disappear. Or get an apology.

gellaho

Kira decides it's time to ask all of the questions in the world