39: The Wizard of 4th Street Simon Hawke

gellaho

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Yes…they…are…irritating

gellaho

Merlin simply doesn't have the time to deal with the end of the world, goodbye

FancyShark

"But you can freeze time-"

"Goodbye!"

gellaho

Time for the cops to have some frightened lip action

FancyShark

"Do you need me to hold you?"

"For the last time, NOT NOW"

gellaho

They have an immensely pointless conversation with Merlin, and Morgan (aka Morgana) puppets one of the cops

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Wouldn't be a Hawke book without a fake Italian name

“Riguzzo”

Gtfo

gellaho

There were so many in this book

It's the return of no one's favorite, the neurotic broom

gellaho

Anyway, back to the cops

"I'm a cop now, I haven't been royalty for some time"

FancyShark

Shouldn't she be chopping firewood while saying that?

Radio Smasher GDC

Either that or fly fishing in a river.

gellaho

Dun dun dun

Radio Smasher GDC

Seems like anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of literature is at a huge advantage here.

gellaho

The Arthurian legend of incest

gellaho

And cucking

The J Resurrections

to be fair those are accurate to the legend

Signore Bastardo

Okay, first off Merlin is the George Washington, what is he doing in a flat.

Second Merlin contradicts himself with this white magic = ethical talk

gellaho

I imagine being named Mordred would turn you into a killer

Signore Bastardo

Mordred still carrying the weight of social convention.

Like your name starts with "Death" and ends with nothing else.

gellaho

Blah blah blah, he hates his mother

FancyShark

Wait. So Mordred is Morpheus?

gellaho

Yes

The J Resurrections

also what are we reading?

Digital Fartwork jakesy

They're all Morphin here

Signore Bastardo

Mightily!

gellaho

What couldst mean?

gellaho

The J Resurrections

so it's like, king arthur but in modern new york?

why does Hawke do that?

FancyShark

Far-future New York

The J Resurrections

he did robin hood as a detective too

FancyShark

After technology is destroyed but not

Radio Smasher GDC

Was it Hawke or Peters that did Space Beethoven?

The J Resurrections

droppin the beet

gellaho

Hawke has a book where a guy takes on the avatar of Beethoven, I think

I'm not sure what it actually is, I haven't read it

Radio Smasher GDC

This is the one I'm thinking of

Signore Bastardo

Beethoven is a common fiction worn by a great many Timelords.

The J Resurrections

nicholas yermakov is simon hawke

gellaho

Rashid wakes up the only way he can, moistening lips

The J Resurrections

why though? of all the historical dudes

honestly time travel writers always pick the most boring shit to time travel to

gellaho

The book opens with a woman using the image of a rain cloud. It's not about time travel

Signore Bastardo

Look, you don't invent a time machine without becoming an incel.

The J Resurrections

okay that makes sense

gellaho

Rashid goes through his morning routine of heavy drinking

gellaho

Gotta get drunk for your magic makeup

FancyShark

CALL NOW AND GET YOUR FIRST BOTTLE OF RASHID ANTI-AGE FREE

Signore Bastardo

Magic will take it out of you.

gellaho

Merlin said he didn't have the heart

Signore Bastardo

Anakin

I have failed you.

Qui-Gon was a Sith by the way.

gellaho

"You are far too power hungry. Also, you are a loser that nobody wants to hang out with"

Signore Bastardo

Sometimes Hawke just gets it.

I really freaking love him now.

Digital Fartwork jakesy

Simon is eternal

gellaho

I'll show you, Merlin, by doing exactly what you said I would

Signore Bastardo

If I am given enough power I can save EVERYONE.

FancyShark

He would build A NATION OF POWER AND SECURITY! ONE THAT WOULD NOT BEND OR BREAK!

wait

gellaho

I can't say he's not giving Rashid a backstory, but this is going on for a while

The Dark Ones seem to feed off his energy and show him dreams of human sacrifices every night

FancyShark

I'm still angry about the whole thing we know happened but gellaho mercifully skipped

gellaho

But the benefits are worth it?

Because he will indirectly kill merlin, I guess

FancyShark

This seems rather complicated when there's a Disintegrate spell

Signore Bastardo

Rashid's on that Kaecilius kick

time to cook a lady dinner and resume my column. Enjoy the fun and hit me with a recap, you sexy sorceri.

gellaho

What if I told you she's been hypnotized to kill whenever she feels rage

FancyShark

Whaaaaaat?!

gellaho

gellaho

"I can't eat doritos anymore, they remind me about destiny"

gellaho

Merlin's house exploded

Radio Smasher GDC

Merlin got Joe Hardy'd

FancyShark

Camera cuts to Bruce, who's so excited he keeps dropping his microphone

gellaho

Merlin's neighbor, the taint Christian

FancyShark

People still believe in a Christian God in this world?

gellaho

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT NAME

Radio Smasher GDC

Does the existence of King Arthur imply the existence of a Grail?

FancyShark

Good question

The Arthurian characters are supposed to be pagan god templates in this world, so...

uh

yes?

gellaho

Magical destiny seems unpleasant

FancyShark

It's the big one. Mordred's comin', Elizabeth

gellaho

Actually seems like it nearly kills his mom

FancyShark

This sounds like Simon's implying there was, BY CHANCE, a doctor

Why wouldn't you have a doctor on every flight since FLYING KILLS PILOTS?

gellaho

So she recovers, and teleports away with the cop. Simon decides now is the time to be coy

FancyShark

Simon's not into GILFs, I guess

gellaho

Suck it, Riguzzo

FancyShark

"You're just so sad and unappealing"

gellaho

They have a long discussion about parenthood. Then the apocalypse starts

gellaho

Goodbye, electricity

FancyShark

Wait, there are still power stations?

gellaho

Not everyone can use magic

Goodbye, baseball

FancyShark

Okay, I'd watch baseball if that happened

gellaho

RIP thousands of people in Peking

FancyShark

"It's multiple blackouts"

gellaho

Is three examples enough, nah. Bye Hawaii

FancyShark

This is turning into Dark Souls

gellaho

Oops, Rio

gellaho

FancyShark

Simon read a pamphlet on Rio

gellaho

And Moscow is toast

gellaho

And Rashid is in terrible pain, all according to his plan

FancyShark

After this apocalypse, they're going to stick with simple machines. Maybe wood blocks

gellaho

I'm assuming melting into his chair was part of his strategy?

FancyShark

If one of your plan's steps is "Become goo", maybe take a second look at the other steps?

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

“I'll become a puddle! That'll show him!”

gellaho

Turns out all three are descended from the Old One who survived the ceremony

gellaho

Mordred should have a better handle on how cousins work

What with him being thousands of years older than them

FancyShark

So Wyrdrune and Kira are related. Thanks, Hawke. You made them bone.

gellaho

They are related in a cosmic sense

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Lannisterring

Well it's all very biblical

gellaho

It's been two thousand years, so they are what, 20th cousins

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

At least. And I'm my own grandpa

FancyShark

okay, that's fair

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Like Fry in futurama

gellaho

The stones decided it was time to show Merlin eating shit

gellaho

There are only seven pages left in this book. The pace must be staggering

FancyShark

He wouldn't...

No

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Might be a tad rushed…

FancyShark

Simon wouldn't do that. This isn't his "comedy" series

Simon?

gellaho

Morgan has teleported with the old cop to fight the melted man

FancyShark

Would you, Simon?

I think he counts as prone, so she should be able to auto-crit

gellaho

Apparently, Merlin was there first, but Simon forgot to include that

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Shouldn't it be “Now, while they're weakened?”

gellaho

He arrived and fell into a pit without much reason

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Gotta watch out for those sneaky pits

FancyShark

Merlin the Klutz

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Whooops!

I mean didn't anyone watch 300?

gellaho

Morgan eats it

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

The Dark Ones

Also known as tired writing cliche #102b

The J Resurrections

"the dark ones(note to self find better name later)"

gellaho

How do you defeat a wizard with incomparable power?

FancyShark

FFS

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Incomparable power!!

Itty bitty living space

Bullets. The answer is bullets.

gellaho

Old Italian cop power is unparalleled

The J Resurrections

i've said, wizards are no match for guns

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Old cop from the Raid

FancyShark

"Just shoot him." Hawke's brilliant contribution to literature.

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Wait, wasn't he already a puddle? How did he become MORE a puddle?

The J Resurrections

im into just shooting the evil wizard as an ending

FancyShark

I guess his skin and guts melted and he was energy?

gellaho

Modred decides to teleport in after the gunplay

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

I'm starting to think this may not be a 5 star book…

gellaho

He stood up, so not completely melted

Riguzzo is feeling himself

FancyShark

"She had aged incredibly" doesn't sound right coming from someone as thirsty as Hawke

Taking a cop's gun is a crime, too

The J Resurrections

guys remember when i tracked Simon Hawke down sort of?

FancyShark

Yeah?

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

“Come on, let's have some International Foods coffee.”

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Please tell us

gellaho

@Digital Fartwork jakesy follows him on Facebook

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Oh wow 😯

The J Resurrections

i posted a q&a i found from him on his goodreads

FancyShark

Hawke himself seems to be a genuinely decent guy

The J Resurrections

he seems nice, he's just so bad at writing

gellaho

So, they're tracking the Old Ones. I guess Merlin survived the pit

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Ok in fairness, what is the fatal flaw that prevents this from being a 5 star ⭐️ book?

FancyShark

Gellaho learned from some interviews that Hawke just writes stuff he thinks will be fun. He doesn't give a shit if it's good. Which shows, but is also kind of awesome?

The J Resurrections

s'bad

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

Merlin got better

gellaho

And Riguzzo forgot everything

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

“I remember that I have amnesia…”

The J Resurrections

hey weird question, is product a placement a thing in books? and could it be?

FancyShark

"You can't even remember the apocalypse? You're so fired, Riguzzo."

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

I don't think so. It's fair usage

gellaho

And that's it, we have defeated The Wizard of 4th Street

The J Resurrections

yeah, but could the company pay you to do it? has anyone tried?

this could be a brand new way to ruin literature

FancyShark

Thanks, @gellaho !

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

We survived!

@The J Resurrections I really don't think so.

gellaho

"My gun was empty, so I definitely shot somebody"

FancyShark

That was fun, as always!

Radio Smasher GDC

Thanks for doing this.

gellaho

So ends another edition of The Book Cage

Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G

You're great, @gellaho