gellaho
A fellow student of Merlin
39: The Wizard of 4th Street Simon Hawke
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Mix a bumbling wizard, a streetwise sexpot, and three magic stones for the greatest adventure in the history of New York's future!
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FancyShark
And no one ever learned he had a Mind Gem in his face?
Signore Bastardo
Colt Blacke. Oddespel the Magician: WORLDS COLLIDE
gellaho
Comically evil is this Rashid
FancyShark
Getting some Corey Feldman vibes
gellaho
Simultaneously not very good at handling anything
FancyShark
Five hundred wives? There's no way he can manage that
Signore Bastardo
The rapidly falling birthrate is not a problem, Rashid.
I will PERSONALLY fix the depopulation issue.
gellaho
I don't think excavations are usually this painful
Signore Bastardo
Rashid throwing some strong Dubai vibes.
gellaho
How's the excavation going, Rashid?
FancyShark
White phosphorous. That thing that is still around where there's magic
gellaho
SKAAAAAAZZZZ
Signore Bastardo
That dude got his ass kicked for five straight panels.
gellaho
Oh, it continues
gellaho
Like a violent Mr Magoo
FancyShark
"You readers have seen industrial lasers, right?"
gellaho
Radio Smasher GDC
Industrial lasers are probably still a thing in this magical post apocalypse.
Torso Patrol Hamb$ne
Industrial megaflare
gellaho
This is a lot of work and pain. Which is hilarious that he does not end up with the stones
FancyShark
There's only one answer: the gems are racist
gellaho
It was so exhausting he passed out and the excavation crew gave it to the auction
FancyShark
hahahaha
Eat shit, Rashid
Signore Bastardo
But but but
FancyShark
hold on, other "mages"? There's only five in the world
gellaho
The artist decided this needed a fire vagina
Signore Bastardo
Wyrd's been teleporting those gems ALL DAY
from a gathering of horny wizards
The first thing he did was teleport THOSE GEMS from a....flock? of wizards
Signore Bastardo
Having dated a redhead, he ain't wrong.
gellaho
That clumsy Rashid
Signore Bastardo
The gems AREN'T INTERESTED, Rashid, take a CLUE.
FancyShark
"Quick! Sell it!"
gellaho
Oh, and there are evil ancient ones
FancyShark
I'd count Lovecraft as another writer he's ripping off, but this is way less offensive
Signore Bastardo
So these are like...Arthurian evil ones.
gellaho
Kira getting burned by the news
Signore Bastardo
Not the Old Ones, more the Legendary Ones
Yhtmgrhfrthh the Unyielding. "Are you from Ry'leh?" 'No, Wales.'
gellaho
I don't think Arthur was over 2000 years ago
Signore Bastardo
Ooh, those assailants narced
Signore Bastardo
Yeah but it's not immediately after the Collapse.
FancyShark
Did we get a year for this setting?
gellaho
@FancyShark you remember when you said Corey Feldman
gellaho
It's typically 2400-2700 for these
FancyShark
Oh good. The artist even added gems that look like horns on the guy who's near a Star of David and the symbol of Islam
gellaho
Seems like something a woman would do
Signore Bastardo
I like the idea that the United Semitic Alliance or whatever merged the Abrahamic regions under like...mage stuff.
gellaho
I like his unibomber sunglasses
Digital Fartwork jakesy
“Do GUYS have rockin' tits like these?”
Signore Bastardo
"Well you may say the tribes of Israel are Allah's chosen but at least we both agree the seal of solomon fucks demons in the skull."
Signore Bastardo
Big-ass ray-ban Blu-Blockers is kind of a sheikhy stereotype from the '80s
gellaho
I'm not sure you're even human, Kira
FancyShark
What was that about 17 or 18?
Simon?
SIMON?
Signore Bastardo
Some men have tits, Karen, update your binary biases.
Signore Bastardo
Honestly? You look like a guy with quality tits.
Signore Bastardo
There's always a Raven.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The note about her shirt being see-through means she's been hoping to do that all day.
gellaho
Waistband pointing at the crotch
FancyShark
Yes you do, Kira
You absolutely do
gellaho
Choking the broom
FancyShark
I know what I fantasized about as a teen
Signore Bastardo
Ya know, if you're an adult and you know this is the best you're ever going to look, I would too. Me, I had love handles even at 155, nobody needed to see my abs.
WAIT
gellaho
It's the dead parent parade
Signore Bastardo
My lady here just shaded the Lady of the Lake three hours after learning the Arthurian legend.
Signore Bastardo
Didn't I call it? Yiddish broom.
FancyShark
"Did you have to give the broom a lisp? It's really offensive."
FancyShark
She's streetsmart
or something
gellaho
Lipppppsss means Time to go see Merlin
Signore Bastardo
Don't drag Merlin into this.
gellaho
Lt Italiano
Signore Bastardo
I don't call Obama every time I need help changing my health insurance.
I'm still confused. Cabs, buses, trains...are these magical or is someone still pumping oil?
FancyShark
The cab was controlled by a magical Puerto Rican in a turban
gellaho
They haven't been the same since that wizard turned their heads into bricks
gellaho
They are piloted by wizards
FancyShark
Hammerhead wasn't the same after Spider-Man left
gellaho
Adepts, excuse me
FancyShark
Also, dear god. Shave your hands, Detective
Signore Bastardo
Right but like...are they not dragons or something? Do they have lubricated bearings? Is it old mechanical trains with a demon heart in the cab? They sell toys of the old "medival" taxis.
Signore Bastardo
They look like Dick Tracy villains.
gellaho
That damned magic bureaucracy
FancyShark
And no one could just conjure one of those licenses
gellaho
The security was literally just that sign
Signore Bastardo
I'm just so confused about how this society functions. Magic is so integral, everybody recognizes the various classes, but also there aren't many and people are just used to them fucking with their perceptions?
gellaho
Pasta Risotto
FancyShark
So they solved oil and profiling but not bureaucracy or fire hazards
Signore Bastardo
Borodoni, you sonofabitch!
gellaho
It's a great idea to have a character named Rozetti and Riguzzo
not at all confusing
FancyShark
I'm shocked we haven't seen an Irishman yet
Signore Bastardo
Beat cops are a'comin'
FancyShark
Ah, true
gellaho
Hey, it's Ponyboy
Signore Bastardo
"Faith 'n' begorrah!" said Officer Leprechaun. "I've nae seen such a sight!"
FancyShark
"Run into any fires, Ponyboy?"
gellaho
Cleary is Irish
FancyShark
Dammit
Hawke can't resist the call of the Emerald Isle
gellaho
Listen, she dresses like a dude and she sucks, OK
Signore Bastardo
The rewards for the arrest are less than the bottom bid from the fence.
not Fats but the general fence populace
FancyShark
She couldn't possibly do it, but she did, see?
gellaho
Certainly a nickname worthy of kings
gellaho
FancyShark
"As revenge, he slit open the belly of the guy running the carousel and wrapped his guts around the horsey. Then he switched it on."
gellaho
MEANWHILE: Waistband pointing to the crotch
FancyShark
How dare he say she not resemble a prostitute
Signore Bastardo
HOW DID THE CAROUSEL RUN WITHOUT ELECTRICITY
gellaho
Do I talk about my tits too much?
Signore Bastardo
Maybe she is a hooker and she thinks he's denigrating sex workers.
Maybe she's just a 9th Ave hooker.
A very different form of hooker, I tell you this.
gellaho
Also, they're in Boston now
Signore Bastardo
Actually, you wouldn't even hook on Park Ave. That's call-girl country.
gellaho
Merlin: son of a sex demon
Signore Bastardo
The best way to attract as little attention as possible is to transform you into a knockout and introduce ourselves to the guy we're scamming.
Radio Smasher GDC
high-style dirty weekend really makes me wonder about that hyphen placement.
Signore Bastardo
Ugh
So Merlin's mom got pregnant by a sex demon that appears at your bedside.
FancyShark
Incubi are known for their spirituality
gellaho
Fats's hitman is not happy with the messiness of the assassination
Radio Smasher GDC
I dropped out for some of this but did Hawke steal the living backwards through time bit from White as well?
FancyShark
Another conservative dressing. Collect the whole set!
FancyShark
Unsure yet, but probably
gellaho
Fats's handkerchief was soaked
Signore Bastardo
Who machines the guns?
gellaho
you seem very confused by the concept of magic
Signore Bastardo
Who provides the power?
FancyShark
Lightning imps
Signore Bastardo
Like it seems every single job requires an adept.
FancyShark
Yeah. They're the bedrock of this society
Signore Bastardo
If you told me there were exactly as many magicians as electrical engineers and cabbies just got bottle-imp batteries at the garage, cool.
gellaho
The Great Goldini was a sad man
Radio Smasher GDC
It wouldn't be a Simon Hawke book without a poorly conceived apocalypse.
FancyShark
I'm sure Hawke has a perfectly good reason why every single thing has to be done via manual magic and didn't throw this together on the back of a napkin
Signore Bastardo
I don't want to live in this world where a touch of lace is the conservative amount that will draw no attention to a hitman.
gellaho
I think I'm fine without him giving me the population of every type of magician
Signore Bastardo
That implies a surfeit of lace.
gellaho
And if he did, I would skip the fuck out of that
FancyShark
He gave us the population of the mages. He thought about that
Signore Bastardo
Lace has two uses: curtains and lingerie. Everywhere else it's like having your dick out.
Radio Smasher GDC
By conservative touch of lace, does he mean that the presence of lace is conservative, or the amount of lace is conservative?
gellaho
Well, it was only five. That's significant. You tell me there are 5million warlocks, 4million wizards, 10 million adepts, I stop caring
FancyShark
Wait. THAT'S why they had flammable curtains in the auction house!
Gotta put it somewhere. Lace curtains must be standard in every building
gellaho
Cry for the stage magician
FancyShark
Goldini's final trick is slitting his own wrists
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Mr Goldini already lost his dream
FancyShark
Has he been on stage this whole time?
Signore Bastardo
wait
gellaho
Nah, this is after the flashback
FancyShark
oh
Signore Bastardo
So this WHOLE society is within one lifetime of magic being a myth
FancyShark
That or Goldini comes from a very sad family
Signore Bastardo
If magic were real, stage magicians would become kings.
HOW DOES HE DO IT?
gellaho
Well, two lifetimes
Signore Bastardo
Actual wizards would be in the front row, like "I can confirm no spells were cast."
FancyShark
That's a really good point
Signore Bastardo
Okay, I buy that. Laura Ingalls Wilder crossed America in a stagecoach as a child and on a jet plane as a not-very-elderly woman.
gellaho
I mean, we live in a world where we can confirm no spells were cast too
Anyway, here's a rich asshole talking to a magic computer
gellaho
FancyShark
Magic computer. GDC, take a shot
I hope the printer is still an old impact printer that screeches as it feeds the paper
gellaho
Very expensive magic computer
FancyShark
"Did I fucking stutter, magic man?"
gellaho
You know how you can just stop a trace by saying "no"
Signore Bastardo
gotta boogie. {savepoint}
gellaho
His computer screamed before it died
FancyShark
That's hardcore. I've wanted computers to do that
gellaho
We have a Hardy Boys exploding computer
FancyShark
Must've been a virus
gellaho
NO, MY PRECIOUS PAINTINGS!
FancyShark
OIL paintings?
Commit, Simon!
gellaho
It was personal. Personally about paintings
FancyShark
The computer was sentient and could feel pain. RIP, paintings
gellaho
Apparently Wyrdrune means "overeager to master spells far above one's level and fucking them up"
FancyShark
Thanks, Merlin. These fires are all on you
I'd also like to reference my statement from earlier. Wyrdrune can go to hell
gellaho
Merlin: big fan of Gandalf and cigar store Indians
FancyShark
You already referenced Tolkien, Hawke. We get it
gellaho
Merlin, everyone
gellaho
So the Biz Wiz is Merlin
FancyShark
Irish hat. That counts!
gellaho
He's aware
FancyShark
Merlin the sociopath
gellaho
It seemed like a good idea at the time
FancyShark
"How could anyone have stopped you from doing something so stupid?"
gellaho
"Why aren't you dead, Melvin?"
FancyShark
Sure is a shame it's impossible to rewrite reality to make this idiot competent
Or take away his magic
Or kill him
Or help him get a job
gellaho
More magical computers
FancyShark
"So useful. Imagine a society where computers are commonplace, or even super advanced! Anyway, magic"
Radio Smasher GDC
Oh, that's just C++.
gellaho
Because my ego makes me believe I am the oldest thing in the world
FancyShark
AARP hates this one weird wizard
Radio Smasher GDC
"I am concerned that I cannot read these runes" is what I'm going to say next time I'm asked to edit someone else's code.
gellaho
In short Melvin, fuck you
FancyShark
We'll return to Melvin & Merlin right after this
gellaho
Pony calls up Mustafa. It doesn't end well
gellaho
Snake phone
FancyShark
Mustafa also called collect, because he's a dick
gellaho
Riguzzo always knew it would end in telesnake death
FancyShark
Like the old Italian proverb says: "AAAAGGGGHHH! SNAKES!"
gellaho
Snakes on a Phone
FancyShark
"Just don't go near the phone."
"No, dammit. Okay, how about something with more people?"
"Go on."
gellaho
Fats died as he always wanted. Char-broiled
FancyShark
Great detective work, Riguzzo
gellaho
All this fire is really pointing to the pyromaniac Wyrdrune
FancyShark
This subplot feels like it belongs in a different story
gellaho
OK, so it looks like the year is 2245
FancyShark
They have insurance in this world? Where magic can summon doom without warning?
gellaho
Kira's having a party
gellaho
Simon, you could have just said The New Romantics
You referenced Metallica and GNR in Steele, it's fine
FancyShark
Is salsa heretical to scotch?
gellaho
Kira's going full rogue
gellaho
also, "he fingered the gash"
I mean
FancyShark
Remember: 17 or 18
And Wyrdrune's in his 60s
gellaho
Murder time
gellaho
The old man thing was a disguise
FancyShark
oh right
gellaho
Remember, he got thrown out of college a couple of years ago
FancyShark
ahh, right
gellaho
Goddamned unions
FancyShark
His girlfriend died in a fire
Radio Smasher GDC
His name means "Legally Distinct from Rincewind".
gellaho
No, she left him for a hunk
FancyShark
A wizard chad
gellaho
There's horny Simon
FancyShark
Took a while. We thought we lost you after the nipples visible through the shirt
gellaho
He's going full lips and legs, look out
gellaho
The stones give Kira regular steroids
FancyShark
Yes, but what about her lats?
gellaho
I wouldn't know, the comics ran out a while ago
Uh oh, Merlin sucks too
FancyShark
At least we know why Melvin was a failure
gellaho
I guess this might as well happen
FancyShark
Sure. Why not
gellaho
Simon Hawke tried to keep it contained too long
This is definitely going to work out
FancyShark
That's not love, chief
Radio Smasher GDC
There's nothing wrong with casual wizard sex.
gellaho
Real smooth, Wyrdrune
Radio Smasher GDC
I stand corrected.
gellaho
Jesus, that escalated quickly
FancyShark
But his ex totally left him because she was a golddigger
This guy's the opposite of the hero from Psychodrome
gellaho
Yeah, but I am enjoying this
FancyShark
hahaha
Hawke heard his neighbors fighting and adapted it for his book
gellaho
These two are all over the place
gellaho
C'mon, Hawke. Moistened her lips. That's your catch phrase
FancyShark
I'm more creeped out by Hawke's avoidance of the word "sex"
gellaho
He has been more graphic
FancyShark
In other books, or in passages you skipped?
gellaho
He was very graphic with a cunnilingus scene in Jagged Steele
It was awkward to read out loud
FancyShark
hoo boy
gellaho
That's not good
FancyShark
yeah, that's not something you want in a public read
Time for a collect call from...Snake
gellaho
But nevermind that, time for some rude gnomes
FancyShark
nice
gellaho
Merlin hates hippies
FancyShark
FFS, now there's Druids, too?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
How many though? We need to know.
To hell with what all these categories of spellcasfer actually do.
gellaho
Merlin muses on nostalgia
gellaho
FancyShark
Slaves have a different view of the past