132: Tom Swift #12: Death Quake Victor Appleton

gellaho

🚨 Tom Swift ™️ Poll Time 🚨

Young genius Tom Swift is at the end of his rope. It's the last three published in this incredibly brief spinoff, and you choose which will enter the Book Cage.

Ozzie

It looks like the same robot is in Quantum Force, maybe a little fatter.

But Death Quake is the superior title, even though all three of them rule.

Velo

I'm voting quantum force because three people are trying to shoot Tom Swift with bullets and I want that to be how this ends

Tom Swift gets shot and dies

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 132

Tom Swift #12: Death Quake

The people have decided on this week's Tom Swift adventure, and it promises madness. Tom Swift has invented a psychic device (the psychotronic translator), but this is interrupted by terrorists causing earthquakes. And then he might contact extra-dimensional beings for reasons we may find out Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Creepio about to take a trip to the center of the earth.

gellaho

Remarkable this was once on "sale" for $32.00

Brendo

He really does have an extra, unwelcome Creepio+ vibe

"Tom Swift! I haven't seen you in AGES! I'm going to give you such a big hug, don't move!"

FancyShark

The fate of the world Southern California hangs in the balance!

Ferroday is a cat mom, too!

YOU PROMISED ME FLEEEEEEEEEESH

gellaho

A little under an hour until Tom Swift #12: Death Quake. Here is your preview, watch your cracks

FancyShark

The strangest part is that there's no incline while this is happening

Eric Christian Berg

This inspired me to see if there was a video on YouTube of cracks opening up during an Earthquake. The answer is yes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjDgJhTzqS4

Velo

Oh no, Dan! A character who has certainly existed before this point and will afterwards! Dan!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"He... he fell into a 1" crack" put fist in mouth and holds back tears

FancyShark

For some reason this clip makes me crave brownies

Eric Christian Berg

Goddammit.

My youngest is making cookies. They'll have to do. But I'll be thinking about brownies.

Velo

BOOK

FancyShark

CAGE

Hi, @Velo !

Velo

Hi @FancyShark !

Excited for an author who isn't Bruce Bethke?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

🥳

FancyShark

You know it. And I've been staring at lists on a database all day. I am ready to see some ART

Hi, @PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard !

How bout you? You ready for Swift?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

If I was, this wouldn't be Book Cage

FancyShark

Velo, what say you, sir?

Hi, @rooster !

gellaho

Into the crevice

FancyShark

Hi, @gellaho !

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

C-3PO, no!

If guy on right is actually supporting "guy falling" with that gentle two-handed pinch... impressive

gellaho

Ghostwriter has a name

FancyShark

Do we know if we've read any other books by her?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Entering target into riff fire control system

Velo

I say "Oh no! Recurring and relevant character Dan is in danger!"

gellaho

We now return to Tom Swift's terrible rock n' roll trivia security system, now featuring the tragic tale of Def Leppard

FancyShark

This rewrite of Alice in Wonderland is already going places

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

The arm band with the one-drum rock

gellaho

It's a disappointment that you don't know Rick Allen, Rick

FancyShark

Free access to the lab, which is why he needs a password

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

If you get the passwrod wrong, you get Rick-rolled

GDC

Whose idea was it to make the door look like HAL?

gellaho

Meanwhile, Tom's having an episode

Velo

Rick you piece of shit

FancyShark

Hi, @GDC !

Ozzie

It could just accept "hi my name is Rick" but Tom needs him to know he's a dipshit every time he walks in.

FancyShark

Hi, @Ozzie !

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Tom is dead. All hail Rick"

gellaho

He's lost his damn mind

GDC

Testing on monkeys is more traditional, Tom

FancyShark

The cat is in a special hell right now

Ozzie

He's Headcrash cyberfucking that cat

gellaho

Tom's a pretty cat

GDC

Okay this is definitely a sex thing now

FancyShark

This is coincidence. Tom's interacting with a virtual dominatrix.

Velo

Hey Bridget, what the fuck?

gellaho

Psychotronic

Velo

This doesn't sound earthquake related at all

gellaho

Your device sucks, Tom

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"There's really no way to use this that doesn't count as sex"

GDC

Psychotronic is a very specific sub-genre of EDM

FancyShark

"I've pulled a lot of muscles but I've never been cleaner"

gellaho

Rick is hard at work making Tom's robot suck

FancyShark

"Among many other things" raises so many questions

Ozzie

You were right, only it was the cat, what the fuck

gellaho

You can just shove any old thing in orbit and it can be a communications satellite

FancyShark

That sounds like a nerdy "yo mama" joke

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balloon_satellite

gellaho

Dan's beach date is not enjoying Tom Swift's cat fucking shenanigans

Velo

Yo orb such an expert in intersystems communications that he was a satellite

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Hi @Ozzie !

FancyShark

"Science is gross said the girl," wrote Bridget

Velo

To be fair I would also like Bridget to stop

gellaho

At some point, Tom's love interest became a huge nerd

Velo

Oh Mandy. What a horrible life you have chosen.

Ozzie

Bridget knows women, and women are either all-in on science or they prefer beaches, no in-between.

FancyShark

She calls them magazines so she doesn't make Tom feel threatened that she reads science papers

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

We've seen that Tom likes to sub, Mandy knows what she's doing

GDC

Mandy is careful not to mention her involvement in MKULTRA

gellaho

I can't imagine why Mandy would now be a huge fan of science fiction

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Why aren't we reading that?

It has a T-rex

No offense to Tommy-Swift, but he hasn't had a dinosaur yet

FancyShark

uh, I think I know why

gellaho

We've already seen that

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I meant in this book but I accept this

FancyShark

ooo, right! What was the name of the dude he stranded in the past?

gellaho

"My machine to communicate accidentally controls people against their will, but it's not evil. I promise!"

Velo

God damn it Tom

FancyShark

Doctor puts it on and puts the other helmet on a coma patient. Suddenly the doctor is also in a coma.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Doctors will go mad as they try to make sense of a killer's thoughts"

GDC

This is how horror movies start

gellaho

Steve ⁠book-nerds⁠

FancyShark

I'd argue that creating a machine that can map thoughts to another creature means you already know how the brain forms language, Tom

FancyShark

Gracias. Good ol' Steve

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Or at least how the brain organizes information

FancyShark

He didn't even have a goth superhuman or Irish moron to keep him company in the past

gellaho

That's not really how earthquakes work, but sure

FancyShark

The ground suplexed the lab!

gellaho

Dove, damn you!

FancyShark

He does

Brendo

Hello, what stupidity transpires?

Velo

They doveded under the bench

FancyShark

HELLO, @Brendo !

Velo

Allegedly

FancyShark

It's Tom Swift vs Earthquake

Brendo

I am very jetlagged and my best jokes are going to be "That's true!" when someone else makes a good one.

Velo

Tom is losing so far

Ozzie

Tom Swift got cyberdommed by his cat

FancyShark

He made a helmet to mind meld with a cat

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

P-waves arrive first, Bridget

gellaho

Tom insists they stay in his lab full of dangerous unstable chemicals

Brendo

Tom Swift: Moneypig

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

FancyShark

awww

Love wave!

Brendo

Look out, baby, here comes the love wave

The Love Wave does look like it charts the moment of climax

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

shakes you side-to-side

gellaho

So, Tom Swift Sr arrives, and Bridget forgets to write a sentence or something

gellaho

Because he refers to "this baby" without her writing whatever that is

FancyShark

Swift Sr never passes up a chance to talk about how earthquake resistant his buildings are

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

this baby = earthquake?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He builds the best buildings

GDC

Swift wants a lot of credit for complying with building codes

gellaho

Feel like you would say "that baby" considering it's over. Well, you wouldn't say "baby" for an earthquake at all unless you were insane in the first place

But, yes, they have an entire seismology lab for some reason

Ozzie

Tom and his friends have zero concept of "too soon"

Velo

People are dead, Tom

gellaho

Interesting character name there, Bridget McKenna

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

ooooohhh myyyyy

GDC

Seismologist jokes are insufferable

gellaho

Got the ghostwriter insert

So many babies

FancyShark

A pretty, young, never-divorced woman who owns the normal amount of doll heads

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I felt an earthquake in grad school, once, and ran down to the geology dept (fittingly in the basement). They didn't feel it, but walked over the the seismograph and were like "Oh, nice"

Brendo

Agreed. We just met her and she's already on shaky ground.

gellaho

Don't weeb too hard, Bridget

Velo

This baby thing got weird

FancyShark

Please make him speak eloquently like a robot, Bridget

gellaho

Good work, Rick

Velo

Feed Rick to the earthquake

FancyShark

Hiroshi's hope of hearing his mother tongue one more time dies a little more

gellaho

You ever heard of these newfangled compact discs?

FancyShark

That's nearly 256MB!

Mankind isn't ready

Velo

Do earthquakes get names? Regardless, I am hereby naming all earthquakes in this book "Steve" after that one idiot who got stuck in the past

gellaho

I promise our supercomputer isn't evil, why do people keep asking that?

Velo

Feed Rick to Steve

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

They're all Steveologists

Velo

If it doesn't why are we even here

FancyShark

Tom Swift has all the trappings of a Dr. Doom except the stuff that makes Doom rad

gellaho

Quite the polyglot

FancyShark

Rick, that's an English word too

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Tom's problem is not being evil

Velo

Rick's about to get reported to HR

gellaho

So many dead, children. Adventure!

FancyShark

So the book's over? We had the quake

Velo

Damn, Steve

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Hiroshi is just glad to have escaped that anime convention

"Do you like Pocky?" over and over and over again...

gellaho

Time to introduce a parade of seismologists

gellaho

Including Randy Moss?

Velo

I'm sure these people will be relevant

FancyShark

New theories like "earthquakes come from the air" and "rocks are just people you haven't met yet"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Of course he has a PhD in geophysics

Brendo

Dr. Weiss believed the earth had a core made of Jell-O with a graham cracker crust

All the scientists laughed as Dr. Weiss loaded his only son into a rocket.

gellaho

The Swift family is terrified of the aftershocks, so they decide to have a festive camping trip in the backyard

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

earthquakes don't kill people, civil engineers kill people

FancyShark

He pitched a tent big enough for the whole family? That's the filthiest thing I've ever heard.

Velo

Bridget should be ashamed

For a number of reasons including that line!

gellaho

What's the worst that could happen?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I don;t think that's a think she can be

Velo

Tom Swift vs radiation poisoning let's do this

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Fukushima!

gellaho

I wonder what's going to happen in the next chapter?

Velo

Come ooooooon Chernobyl

gellaho

That's right, classic immediate deescalatiom

gellaho

It's the Hardy/Swift/Drew way

FancyShark

"Everything's fine" isn't the most interesting part of the story!?

gellaho

The mastermind, George Perry

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"We shot him"

gellaho

Whats that? Chloroform in a children's book? Don't mind if I do

FancyShark

There's a pile of unconscious guards no one has helped

gellaho

Yeah, but what could anybody do with that?

FancyShark

So he's dead

Brendo

I'm just a dog, chasing a nuclear car.

gellaho

That is one TASER-ass mangling of a acronym

gellaho

Which makes sense, it is Tom Swift after all

FancyShark

That's SAND you idiot

Did you think SAND wasn't a word, Bridget?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Plutonium is only mildly radiactive, but long-lasting. More importantly, it takes an extra step to create Plutonium, so Mr. Swift's reactor is probably using material originally designed for weapons

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Activists aren't generally known for being clever

Brendo

I will halt the deadly advance of nuclear destruction by pushing all the levers at once.

gellaho

More characters! more!

Brendo

This is the only accurate username on this server.

gellaho

MORE CHARACTERS! MORE!

Velo

Oh god damn it

gellaho

Aikido!

Brendo

If I were 90 lbs I don't think I would try to get into situations where I needed aikido. I would simply shoot bad guys from my chair while eating my carrot.

gellaho

Don't you hate it when you misplace your weapons-grade plutonium?

FancyShark

Bridget "I thought you said Tom Clancy" McKenna

Velo

At least they haven't introduced another character

gellaho

The next day, controversial seismologist Eric Weiss shows up to tell Tom Swift that he doesn't think Tom is that smart

Velo

Fuck

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Your dad's a fucking liar, punk"

FancyShark

"By the way, did you know the earth is made of foam rubber? It's a new theory I'm working on."

gellaho

Dr Eric "Let me push up my glasses" Weiss

gellaho

FancyShark

:nerds:

Dr. Weiss is volunteering for a cat-braining

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Its real retro to be worried about the pollution from a nuclear power plant these days.

Seems quaint.

gellaho

"And, plus, now it can give you skin cancer, neato!"

gellaho

FancyShark

Hi, @Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky !

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Just got back from another eye doctor visit.

And boy are my....eyes......tired.......whatever.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

He's a jerk to our main character, so he's either evil or going to be taken down a peg

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

peg whom?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

So this sender and reciever have to be in line of sight of one another, basically?

You invented yelling, with light.

FancyShark

Hi, @Rachel, Grand Inquisitor !

Brendo

I'm counting on the radiation to degrade the microplastics faster, don't take it away.

Brendo

Thoughts are light, therefore photons are memes

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also you dont get strange and entertaining mutants from coal.

Thats just the AIMs crew when alls said and done.

gellaho

It's like a TV remote, but more dangerous. Yay!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

just blacklung

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

so you do get strange and entertaining mutants from coal

gellaho

Anyway, an Earthquake is apparently going to swallow Swift Enterprises

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Whatever else you can say about Wild Bill, he is more or less human.

Velo

Oh no, another Steve!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Where does all the dirt go, to leave a hole?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I feel like people have been saying this about places in California for decades and so far, not a single major west coast city has slid into the domain of the Mole Men.

I feel cheated.

FancyShark

Good thing the buildings are so resistant to earthquakes!

Brendo

WOOOOO RED WAVE

gellaho

This is one of the more awkwardly written sentences I've seen

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Go home Mr. Swift, you are drunk

gellaho

I know more about this than most people, but I also have left it to the experts so I actually don't know much at all

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Underdark

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hey Tom's Dad? Everyone fucking knows that. Even people who don't live there know California has earthquakes. You know exactly as much as an average person. Maybe less.

Velo

Much less

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Mr. Swift thinks very little of the average person

Velo

Feed Mr. Swift to the earthquakes

gellaho

More acronyms, more!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

MORE SACRIFICES FOR THE EARTHQUAKE GOD

Velo

THE GROUND IS HUNGRY!

FancyShark

Wait, so you knew the quake was going to happen and did nothing?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Dr. Weiss used to be part of the bush administration

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hurl him into a crack in the earth with a plastic scale model of a dinosaur to appease Maran Gor, mother of earthquakes and dinosaurs.

gellaho

Let us lube the San Andreas fault with Earth farts

gellaho

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Yay fracking!

Velo

Nothing they could do, Shark. What could they possibly have done? Run through the streets shouting? Sound some kind of klaxon? Ripped the tag off a mattress? That's illegal

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Tom I think you could just drill a hole.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It would be like those Italian seismologists who were put on trial for not warning people hard enough

gellaho

Crank out the multimillion dollar fart machine

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

You........you dont need to.......stop drawing plans for a machine that produces vaseline on a geologic scale, Tom.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

https://www.science.org/content/article/seven-year-legal-saga-ends-italian-official-cleared-manslaughter-earthquake-trial

Velo

No, we're fucking this bitch of an earth and that's final

FancyShark

"And then we build a giant cake for the Earth to fart on. F-for science."

gellaho

I can't imagine why this scientific professional wouldn't want help from this irritating high school student

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

FOR SCIENCE

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

so glad we found the cure for infrequent earthquakes

FancyShark

But he made a machine to torture cats! You have to let him help!

Velo

All the cats are dead now, he has nothing else to do!

Yes, ALL the cats are dead