132: Tom Swift #12: Death Quake Victor Appleton

gellaho

Tom tests his friends to see which one is the least sensitive to sound cannons

FancyShark

Timpanic membranes grow back, right?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"If none of you go, I guess I have to coerce an employee. Still, they arent union so no extra pay."

GDC

Dan was the only one without blood pouring out of their ears.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Oh shit, Dan might die.

gellaho

Trying to trick the mob? That always turns out well

Areze

He's disposable. Working class, you know

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Just saying, Dan, you dont want to be the only other person going into the center of the Earth with Tom Swift.

LyraV

They do seem incredibly cavalier about something involving the word 'cannons'

FancyShark

YES!

CHEAT! AT! POKER!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Well, he did and now Philly has kneecapped him, do you have like an artificial kneecap handy?"

gellaho

Ah, trying to steal from Vegas casinos. Even better

FancyShark

Most of the Tom Swift books are like this. They're all over the place.

LyraV

So like...the stupidest most obvious thing you could do with it thats sure to end in violence? You betcha.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It's amazing how all the ghostwriters can be this chaotic

gellaho

All evidence points to him stealing plutonium and using it for a bomb, but it's also a hoax and there's no evidence

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Tom Swift?" the editor takes a long drag on a cheap cigar "Tom Swift? Kid, you aren't bad enough to write Swift. You gotta work at it"

gellaho

LyraV

I feel like these people should say boy howdy, you betcha and gee whiz at the end of every sentence.

gellaho

Oh, darn

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

okay im not super familiar with the series so remind me, what's tom swift's STAND?

FancyShark

Fuck you, Bridget

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

I assume it's from a taylor song

Velo

A terrorist organization, I think

gellaho

That's probably fine

Areze

British pervert in scientist cosplay?

Velo

There are too many names for me to remember anything in this book

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Stupid Terrorists Always Not Detonating

gellaho

But, fuck Santa Marina, we're in trouble!

FancyShark

Probably "Soy un Perdedor"

Velo

No time for nuclear power plants, Larry's trying to cheat at poker!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

There's honor in a nuclear detonation

gellaho

Brendo

We STAND SAM

Velo

So this series attracts horrible acronyms

Areze

SAHA, yes

gellaho

Randy Moss takes a break from catching TDs

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Its called Blank Space, and Tom can use it to teleport anything into deep space.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

It looks like a muscly twink.

Velo

It's been a while since we've seen Beverly's self insert

gellaho

You make a great point, child. I will trust this untested and experimental technology

FancyShark

Bitch, warning people about an upcoming earthquake isn't a new idea

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Maybe this is me, but when I hear "Weiss" I think German, and if a German is telling you about earthquakes its probably because he built an earthquake gun.

gellaho

Tom Swift Sr forgets that the epicenter of the earthquake is said to be under Swift Enterprises and is predicted to pull the complex into a giant hole

Areze

Tom Swift Sr invites the kids into his giant hole

FancyShark

He saves so much on life insurance payouts if the company dies with the employees

gellaho

The sun becoming visible causes earthquakes

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Yeah but the company doesn't pay those

FancyShark

Swift Sr isn't bright

GDC

Yeah, no where else in California is equipped to deal with earthquakes.

Brendo

As the earth heats and cools, its irritable bowel syndrome acts up

LyraV

It's been a while since I've seen Fiddler on the Roof but that one song was probably about earthquakes, sure.

gellaho

Pretty

Velo

Damn you, the sun!

gellaho

Again, pretty sure this is not how earthquakes do

gellaho

Oh, right, the giant hole we were warned about!

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Morninglord my ass

gellaho

It only holds three people

LyraV

Yeah but then there's an earthquake and that stupid dragon hanging over the bridge kills you with fire.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I feel like toms cool nuclear jet tank should hold at least six regular sized humans? Why is this fucker having less carrying capacity than a fuckin Blackhawk?

gellaho

There goes Dan

Velo

DAN NO

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! YOURE GONNAAAAAAAAA DIIIIIIIIIIIE!

Velo

DAN YOU WERE HERE THIS ENTIRE TIME TIME

gellaho

Then the hole closes right back up

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THE EARTHQUAKE GOD IS HUNGRY

Velo

I WILL NEVER FOGET HOW YOU WERE PRESENT, DAN

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Tom you really need to go hit the gym. Invent a new kind of steroid.

FancyShark

The earth proceeds to chew Dan into paste

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Dan is now the cyclops from Krull.

Brendo

Hey Tom, what does your SQUISH invention stand for again?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

dan's last words?

LyraV

He was like Danyonnaise on bread

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

TANCs for nothing!

gellaho

Then the robot moves the earth itself, sure

Brendo

STAND: Smooshing Tom's Allies Nick and Dan

Velo

QUICK TOM FILL THIS HOLE WITH CATS

gellaho

Swift Enterprises looks desolate

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Oh i forgot Rob was a 3P0

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"YOU PROMISED ME FLEEEEEEESH!"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Cover Artist: "I'm getting paid for two boys and a robot, and yous want a city, too?"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Who sniffs things

LyraV

Victor Appleton is such a great name though

gellaho

Robs springs upwards like a cartoon

FancyShark

Rob is evidently Kryptonian

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THE EARTHQUAKE GOD STILL HUNGERS

gellaho

The earth is nice enough to close itself back up completely

GDC

Nature is healing.

gellaho

They roll into town, where the police chief deputizes these high schoolers to deal with the horrific aftereffects of an earthquake

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Sure chief, endanger some minors, it's not my ass

gellaho

"Now, I want you teens to go dig out the corpses from the rubble.

Move out"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Youd think Tom would have a corpse retrieval robot handy.

With one of those electric thingies that the IDF uses to extract semen.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Would come in handy for him

gellaho

I would love hundreds of teens to breathe all this carcinogenic dust

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also if it wasnt built to quake code standards how was it even up long enough to be fully built?

Like Cali gets moderate ones two to three times a year.

Velo

It's like having a bunch of fans to blow it away, but kind of in reverse

gellaho

They save some kids, whatever

Randy Moss comes on the screen to tell everyone no earthquakes will ever happen again

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Who cares, they dont even have names. California children arent given real names until they are sure to survive, so the vengeful ghosts of the natives dont steal their souls.

LyraV

Perfect

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Dr. Mckenna is totally going to make out with Moss

gellaho

Dr Weiss insists that there's going to be an even worse one because the earthquake wasn't deep enough or something

FancyShark

This is all building up to the greatest Gas-X pitch of all time

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Im pretty sure when its that deep it doesnt matter. Its the opposite of fucking, in a way.

gellaho

Which obviously means a worse one is going to happen immediately

GDC

We need to make the earth gamble on a fart and lose.

gellaho

Look out, every girl named Audrey

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Terra-Tank is a solid NES game title.

LyraV

There are far too many whimsical nicknames involved in this serious operation.

gellaho

And yes, we've switched plots again

Velo

Back to Larry and his wacky hijinks?

gellaho

But, don't worry, we're switching immediately out again

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Attention? Please add another word to that so it sounds less like youre planning to kidnap women named "Audrey!"

Velo

Admudries go in the Audrey pit

gellaho

"wait , I went back millions of years to harvest minerals from the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs to help out the Hardy Boys. That didn't work, which resulted in our dimension intersecting with other dimensions and wiping out all of reality. Nevermind"

Velo

Dan would never back down from danger like this

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"I killed a man on that trip."

Velo

"Daring Dan" we call him

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Yeah we know Tom, you never shut up about it."

Velo

"Big D" we also call him

gellaho

At that rate, it'll only take 13 hours

Velo

"Maybe a nickname about his personality instead" his brutally honest girlfriend calls him

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

His what?

gellaho

Six miles later, they fall into an earth hole

FancyShark

Oh no! The cats! They dug a Tom Pit!

Velo

Steve the Earthquake God will feed well this day!

gellaho

Oh, so Dr Weiss must be dead

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"No MF'er, Tom dug a Tom pit"

gellaho

No, Dan, I'm pretty sure he's dead

gellaho

FancyShark

He'll be fine. Scoop up his face and put it back over the red parts

gellaho

Call bullshit on that

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

How far down are they? Because the Earth is like 60 *F for the first dozen miles or so

FancyShark

It's fine. Head wounds don't bleed too much.

gellaho

One of those 6 mile deep tunnels that just happen to be there

gellaho

Why do you have pillows?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Are these like........first aid pillows?

Velo

Oh so scientists aren't allowed to be cozy?

gellaho

It's fine

FancyShark

No room for more passengers but plenty of room for his extensive pillow collection

LyraV

Pocket pillows? No no I don't like that nevermind

Velo

Oh so I guess you're all against the sleepover at the center of the earth plan

Typical

gellaho

That pillow is just what he needed for that massive head trauma

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Ok, about 500 *F at 6 miles

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I feel like if your computer is borked then your whole deal is borked?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

medical pillows, stat

Velo

See? Now who looks stupid for filling this drill tank with duvets?!

gellaho

My precious maps!

gellaho

The teens go outside and find never before seen shapes

gellaho

Velo

Hollow Earth!

Do it Tom, do the hollow earth thing

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

lmao, what is it a lovecraftian rune?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

lines, which can only be sinister

Velo

I bet those damn anti-nuke hippie terrorists did this

gellaho

Important to note: Tom strained his arm pulling Dan up, but Dan is completely fine after having been chewed by the earth

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Tom swift, genius, doesn't know if his arm has been ripped out of its socket or not

gellaho

That movement is probably nothing

gellaho

It's probably nothing

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I... did that with an ankle IRL

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Probably just Met'lar or one of the other Inhumanoids.

FancyShark

The terrorists are now hosting a cooking segment

gellaho

It's probably friendly

Velo

The goo!

gellaho

The footlong claws are just for decoration

FancyShark

Better throw at least a Great Ball if you want to catch it

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

WTF does it eat?

gellaho

Fun

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Yes, get closer to the cthonian monster

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Rocks. And wandering Spaniards.

FancyShark

[takes out a box of Cheezits]

gellaho

Tom decides to stupidly follow it into a small tunnel

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Maybe it will teach Tom to earthbend?

FancyShark

The moles pin Tom down and yell at him for collapsing their roof

gellaho

Hey, Tom, you're six miles under the surface trying to stop an imminent earthquake. Maybe we can worry about the humane society some other time

FancyShark

Tom broadcasts the death howls of all cats into the mole men, who in turn hurl themselves into a nearby lava pit

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THIS PLEASES THE EARTHQUAKE GOD

Velo

No time but now, no day but today, let's save those animals Tom

gellaho

What is this hippie shit

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

LASER! THOSE! MOLES! CONGO STYLE!

gellaho

Oh, right, eyeless

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

So you lied to them, Tom. you dont wish that, you want to stop earthquakes and are willing to kill them all for that.

gellaho

No! laser the moles!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"PeaS? And FrEM-shIT????"

gellaho

Goddammit, Bridget!

Velo

Tom why would these creatures speak English

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Tom will give the moles eye cancer, saving california

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

LOOK OUT! That mole has a sharp rock!

FancyShark

These are all the Swift employees who were lost countless experiments ago

gellaho

I think I know why you haven't received any awards, Bridget

gellaho

This suuuuuuuuuuuucks

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

shortlisted < nominated < won

gellaho

Ugh

Areze

Fkn yoda

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

No theyre totally delicious, mr mole.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

I can't believe that

A. We actually met molemen

B. They suck this much

Velo

God damn it

Kill them all

gellaho

Don't tell the monsters about the surface, dickhead

Areze

"Up, the shut fuck"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

If it's 500 degrees and they eat rocks, the surface will kill them fast enough

Velo

You've ruined molemen, Bridget

gellaho

They're not going to know what that is, dipshit

LyraV

I've always wanted to busk down in Moleopolis. The mole people are fascinated with our tiny hairless digits.

gellaho

Kids must have hated this in 93

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I would have hurled this across the room and grabbed something with a sweet barbarian on the cover.

gellaho

Whoops, missed a quotation mark there, Bridget

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Areze

WALRUS NOISES INTENSIFY

gellaho

Dr Weiss, six miles underground and having seen molemen, still doesn't believe in the mind ray

FancyShark

Respect, Dr. Weiss. You're clearly doing this out of spite now.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

He drinks deep of the Haterade.

gellaho

Wait, so you fell a mile and a half!?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Hahahaha they are all dead

gellaho

And Dr Weiss crashed headfirst into the computer and isn't dead? Just incapacitated for a few minutes and had a booboo?

The fuck, Bridget

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Well gravity is weaker down here

FancyShark

Weiss should look like a donut from a box someone sat on

Wait, that might be too close to the cake bit from earlier

Weiss should look like someone sneezed while eating a hotdog

gellaho

Oh, and they've spent 9.5 hours fixing this thing

GDC

The gaussian assumptions that hold true on the surface break down in the interior.

gellaho

They have limited time, so what do they do?

FancyShark

Party?

Ozzie

pizza party

gellaho

They take a nap, of course

gellaho

Just a couple of hours

Oh, and they're surrounded by hundreds of molemen

Velo

And you all said the throw pillows were excessive

gellaho

He also has a bunch more of the experimental mind readers, because why not

gellaho

You would not believe how few pages are left

FancyShark

Ten?

gellaho

I'm sure the molemen have a full understanding of plate tectonics, sure

gellaho

Less

FancyShark

hahaha

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

lmao

FancyShark

What the fuck, Bridget

GDC

Bridget knows how to wrap things up. I should invite her to meetings.

gellaho

It's still not too late to kill the freaks, guys

gellaho

It's unnatural, end them

FancyShark

"So it's their fault?"

Velo

At this point I expect them to just leave and forget why they came down here

gellaho

Oh, just now? Not the interdimensional nonsense or the dinosaurs or the time travel?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THE EARTHQUAKE GOD STILL HUNGERS

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

They run out of time, nuke goes off, end of book

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Just abruptly ends, make you guess

gellaho

Best escape through the lava tube we're creating

LyraV

Beginning of every Fallout hehe

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Then we flash back and it turns out this has all been a vision, nicholas cage is still at the end of the first act

gellaho

Welp, now that we're racing an eruption, better take another nap

FancyShark

And don't bother making sure the cannon's aiming away from any molepeople settlements

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Lack of oxygen makes you sleepy

Velo

And you all thought the supportive foam pillows were a dumb idea

gellaho

You know how air burns at temperatures well below where water boils?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Although high CO2 induces panic

LyraV

Then our heat will be burned up by the air and we'll really be in trouble, by golly

FancyShark

Cut to the three of them wearing oxygen tanks and freaking out in a playground while civilization crumbles