132: Tom Swift #12: Death Quake Victor Appleton

FancyShark

Are you going to let all those cats die in vain!?

GDC

People definitely used crackerjack as an adjective in 1993

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Yes its very puzzling why a grown man wouldnt want to hang out with a teenage boy professionally.

gellaho

Bridget wants you to know how muscular this woman is, children

Velo

This pit of dead cats is going to be crucial to solving this problem

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Hell yeah, muscular women rule. Thanks Bridget!" - The Children.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

DEAD CATS ANGER THE EARTHQUAKE GOD

Velo

FUCK

GDC

"this place is great, but why does it smell like burnt fur?"

FancyShark

"Why do all of the doors keep asking me about Def Leppard?"

gellaho

I can see why she's a great investigator

Velo

She's right though

Great job Jessie

FancyShark

"Broads, amirite?" wrote Bridget

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Yes, Tom programmed me with "rizz files" and the data indicates that "hoes" love "sparklies."

Velo

You'll solve the case of All The Cats, I Do Mean All The Cats, Are Missing in a couple minutes

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

The camera points down her shirt at all times

gellaho

Just discretely stab yourself with these spikes

Brendo

Reverse oil pumping. Hot.

Brendo

"Doctor, I invented a time machine."

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

NOT FILM - what sorcery is this!?

gellaho

A dozen pictures, could you even imagine?

Velo

Yes, press these spikes without having your hand in front of the lens on the center front of the pendant

Hold your necklace from the back like it's a crucifix

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

A WITCH

Velo

PUT HER IN THE CAT PIT

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Remember, the memory goo inside this pendant is highly toxic and extremely mutagenic. Do not use this if you are pregnant or nursing, and it is very DEFINITELY for external use only, no matter what the goo says."

Velo

EARTHQUAKES LOVE WITCHES

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Do not listen to the goo, do not acknowledge the goo."

FancyShark

"The goo lies"

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

someone put me in the cat pit

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

SACRIFICE THE THIRD

gellaho

Should I have made the watch the camera, and the emergency signal the necklace? Probably, but then you wouldn't get to stab yourself to inconveniently take pictures!

Velo

Earthquake God Steve is going to be so pleased with our many offerings

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Jessie: "Oh, you could have just said it uses a microSSD card and bluetooth"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also maybe dont put the panic button on something she might have to fiddle with to set her watch?

Velo

What kind of monster sets their watch

FancyShark

"The button also melts everything in a twelve mile radius. With meteors."

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Also is that watch waterproof?

Velo

The watch tells the time, you don't tell the watch shit

gellaho

What a name

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"She's built like a -"

Velo

Oh the weird sex thing is back

Brendo

The goo is telling me it's safe to swallow.

GDC

She comes from a long line of Polish masons

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

I can never get a new watch set to newfoundland time without accidentally triggering an extraction

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This is how you know Velo is never in sync and will always leave Edgar and Allen Frog in the lurch because his watch is not synced.

Velo

I got so distracted by the actual plot I assumed it was gone

Brendo

I don't believe the goo, help, I can't stop

gellaho

The psychotronic translator is now a hairband that reads thoughts through people's eyeballs

gellaho

gellaho

Figure that one out

Velo

I think the goo might be right this time

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

And you gave this to Sandra?

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

You know my name

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Cool. Sandra should have the ability to bombard people with radiation at will.

FancyShark

Nooo! It lies!

Brendo

I think we all had our own Linda Brickowski. For me, it was Carrie Doyle. sigh...

gellaho

Hey, check it out, Tom! The news has completely and immediately folded to the ecoterrorists!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"So we are blowing them up. For nature. That thing we are worried about contaminating with radiation."

"ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT IS TREES AND HOGS!"

gellaho

"Oh, that nuclear detonation is one dirty trick!" said Sandra

FancyShark

"Do not inquire how we managed to escalate from pamphlets to dirty bombs in one go. We really got lucky."

GDC

Using nukes is unsportsmanlike.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Did they set one off? Or was that just a graphic?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Also dont ask about how this might kill a bunch of things in the ocean as things in California become underwater.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Ecoterrorists get up pretty early in the morning.

Only reason i did law

gellaho

Guess they couldn't figure out how to do the quotation mark in big font

FancyShark

Grand Fenwick didn't luck into a bomb this quickly

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Thing is, nature is doing great after Chernobyl. Turns out high levels of radiation are safer for animals than human habitation

gellaho

That is one tight beam we're blasting into that hole

gellaho

Brendo

We will irradiate California if our demands to avert nuclear catastrophe are not met.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I feel like liquifying rocks with a sonic cannon is going to liquify rocks on the way to the rocks you want liquified?

GDC

Well if Caltech says it's cool to use ultrasonic cannons it's good enough for me.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

these chumps are trying sound

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

So youre just poking a hole?

FancyShark

Oh, I get how this works. One sec

Areze

filling holes is the solution to every problem

gellaho

Tom Swift, teen genius

FancyShark

Hi, @Areze !

FancyShark

"It also throws a fit if you turn left when it tells you to turn right"

gellaho

Could you imagine sending and receiving information at once? Could you?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Almost like some kind of global data string.

Tom can probably do something with mirrors and a blanket.

Areze

nonsense!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

We need TUBES full of GOO

Velo

That's the goo talking

Areze

ur gon get filled with goo with that attitude

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

No way, it was only a small lick

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I also feel like Tube Full of Goo is an underutilized telecommunication method. I bet you could shoot a lot of math thru a tube full of goo.

gellaho

"I've been sitting at home reading so many science fiction magazines"

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THE GOO, MANDY

gellaho

Ultimate proof this was written by a 49 year old mom

Velo

Was this written in 1943 and you forgot to tell us

Is this book Amish

gellaho

Does it though?

GDC

To apologize for ignoring you,let me invade your mind.

gellaho

Yes, the best place for experimental mind reading prototypes: the beach!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Dorks would probably rather read each others' thoughts to move the whole dating thing along

GDC

You know what delicate electronics goes great with? Sand.

gellaho

Respect the Frisbee brand, children

FancyShark

Dammit, that's the goo talking

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Tom goddam you, those are Entertainment Discs unless you gave Big Frisbee their cut!

gellaho

This feels like a euphemism

Areze

you can be my receiver anytime, bby

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Dan is good, no matter what role

noted

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Dan is the legendary "switch"

gellaho

Time to blast the Earth with sound like it's a Manowar concert

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

He makes a really satisfying clicking noise when you dock the controllers to him.

FancyShark

Dan's a three across the board. Unfortunately, we're talking D&D stats.

Velo

How could you say that about beloved, and definitely here before character, Dan

gellaho

A great system

gellaho

Tom Swift tries passive aggression

gellaho

Areze

"YOUR LIFE IS A JOKE"

GDC

"ever seen that movie Armageddon?"

gellaho

Oh, darn

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Ohhhhhh noooooooo.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

who would have thought tampering in God's domain could go wrong?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Welp, time to invest in oceanfront property in Nevada.

gellaho

Time to give up on California

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"HES A FUCKING TEENAGE BOY! WHY ARE YOU ASKING HIS OPINION YOU MANIAC!?"

FancyShark

"We have only one option. Let's go buy some cakes. F-for science."

GDC

They accidentally did Lex Luthor's scheme from the first Superman movie.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It melted after 2 miles???? That's nothing

gellaho

HOW DARE YOU SAY MY PRECIOUS, SPECIAL BOY ISN'T PRECIOUS AND SPECIAL

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

On the other hand he does have a fucking robot pal.

Areze

yeah he's special alright

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Do you have a robot pal, Dr. Weiss?

That you invented yourself?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

The simple answer it to find the terrorists

gellaho

Another terrible acronym, yay!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

oh right

Hell yes

The Core

gellaho

Fill it up with proper nouns

GDC

Those are some more names alright

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

I always love getting reminded Tom Swift has a jet tank.

gellaho

"I understand that you're operating a private police force and intelligence agency. I, the FBI, am fine with this"

gellaho

MOOOOORE CHARRAAACCTERS

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"renegade"?

Isnt that what the CIA does all the time?

gellaho

Those snakes, always sneaking through surveillance

GDC

Dude has a massive collection of fake moustaches.

gellaho

What do you mean "if," Tom?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"He's really tall, and bald. Has a barcode tattooed on the back of his head."

GDC

The plutonium at the plant is stored unsafely.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

To be fair, the state storage facility is a hole in the ground with a chain link fence.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

We just pour it in there

Velo

Tom doesn't know what "if" means and he's hoping someone will correct him

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Freedom of speech.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"Innocent until proven guilty in a court of law", says Tim. An Eagle cries tears of joy.

gellaho

I know that we'll be swallowed by the earth in seven days, but you go party, son

FancyShark

"Also, son, make sure to do something about the cat pit."

Velo

"I filled it."

gellaho

NEEEERRRRDDDD

FancyShark

Tom begins screaming about the end times.

Velo

Dozens?! Imagine!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

God Tom you are such a fuckin fed.

Thats not even a bad party, theyre just eating pizza?

Velo

Feed the party to the earthquake!

gellaho

Let's get some underage drinking in this book for 12 year olds

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Nobody is doing drugs or getting sucked off?!

FancyShark

I'm pretty sure Larry Brickowski is a carpet salesman in Downers Grove, IL

Velo

AKA the devil's Focaccia?!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"It's Natty Light, technically not beer"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Okay theres wine coolers and hard lemonade in the fridge, help yourself Tom."

gellaho

Tom's idea of a total loser? That's quite an insult

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hey Tom? Are you belitting a man for going to community college? Fuck you, burgeois swine!

gellaho

Either 17 or 18

Velo

Woah woah woah hold up there Tom. How fucking dare you

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Philly Jarrett

Velo

Larry is living his best life

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

AND failing

gellaho

The Brickowskis are loaded enough to have an entire arcade in their house

Velo

You can't live, laugh, or love if you're going to be this judgemental, Tom

gellaho

His best life is owing the mob gambling debts?

Areze

Yep

Velo

Hell yeah

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

His greatgrandpa invented the brick

FancyShark

Larry has the high score on Bubble Bobble and he will ride that high to the grave

gellaho

Harkening back to the beginning of the book, classic Def Leppard

Velo

I mean he's wondering why he hasn't seen any cats in a couple months but aside that Larry is living carefree

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

On the other hand, how many times has Larry killed a man? Or put his friends in serious danger, Tom?

Tom.......Has Larry ever devolved his best friend into a cave man?

FancyShark

On the other other hand, how many times has Larry made an army of robot bees?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Larry refuses to answer that question citing ongoing litigation

gellaho

He's handing out free beer, so he's essentially done that

FancyShark

Back on the first other hand, how many times has Larry made an army of robots bees and then used them, Tom?

gellaho

Sandra decides to invade some minds

Areze

Like pussies.

FancyShark

For the record, I'm not joking about the robot bees.

That was in book one

FancyShark

He made a fucking swarm of killbot bees and then never used them

gellaho

Sandra decides to brag about this to the drunk teen with debts to the mob

Areze

I would never NOT use my killer robo bee army

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Sandra inadvertently creates a gestalt mind mass that only knows how to party.

FancyShark

I hope he uses the mind control helmet to cheat at poker

And never escalates from there

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

what the fuck are these books

gellaho

Larry creepin

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Dexters Lab for dorks.

FancyShark

Incredibly dumb in fascinating ways

GDC

Don't accept any drinks from Larry, ladies.

gellaho

Larry drunkenly bursts into the bathroom occupied by teen girls

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Maybe Tom was right to turn down that beer

gellaho

For kids!

Velo

Well they started as sci-fi adventure kids back in World War One and for some reason they just kept going

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Welp.

You just left the mind reading accessory in the bathroom, Sandra.

gellaho

All part of his brilliant plan to steal the mind reading headband

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

There were a dozen dudes creepier than larry at law school

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Pervert hijinks!

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

This is why people wouldnt give girls cool gadgets until 2003.

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

ANOTHER ONE FOR THE VOLCANO GOD

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Way to let the side down, Sandra.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Well, Larry is now a telepath

Velo

Larry continues to live his best life. Which is a problem for everyone else.

gellaho

The ecoterrorists are still operating the news networks

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

And distributing melanoma

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

A telepath with a totally fetching hairband sized for a teen girl.

FancyShark

The terrorists are getting super annoyed they have to still report the traffic and weather together on the 8s

gellaho

They've tried rebooting Tom Swift like 8 times and it never works

Velo

No because why would it

LyraV

But they can try darn it

Velo

The first book was Tom Swift And His Motor Cycle and it was about "what if bicycles had engines"

gellaho

Including a Hulu series two years ago

Areze

Preposterous! Harrumph I say!

Velo

1910

LyraV

The real future answer being they'd be left along the walking paths in college towns

FancyShark

Hi, @LyraV !

gellaho

In the most torturous way, yes

LyraV

Hello!

gellaho

Olfactronic

Areze

Electric rifle does sound sweet

Brendo

Tom Swift authors should write about inventions we need now so we get solid-state batteries and fusion greenhouse gas remediators

Velo

That's not how acronyms work

gellaho

Tom Swift has already invented an even tinier mind reading device

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

"AS long as that perv Larry doesn't have it, we'll be fine"

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"This one? Even MORE loseable."

gellaho

Not my precious Raiders baseball cap!

Velo

"The last one kills cats."

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Next, I plan to make one you can lose in a small dust bunny."

Velo

"This one also kills cats."

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Booooo Larry, you dont even have the balls to wear a teen girls fashion accessory?!

DO you even WANT to read minds?!

gellaho

She pushed the panic button? Whatever

FancyShark

"In between was one that resurrected cats."

LyraV

Yeah I think that's called lying Tom

FancyShark

Gonzalez dies cursing Tom's name

GDC

Her last transmission said 'AIEEE!' Probably nothing.

Velo

"Have you ever seen an empty cat pit?"

"A pit without cats? That's most pits, Tom."

"Yeah. And it's fucked up."

LyraV

Like...if you don't believe something is true when you say it that's lying

gellaho

But at least she was able to send some clothing for his robot to sniff first

Areze

The robot loves to sniff

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

struggles not to lawyer

FancyShark

Rob has experience sniffing women's clothing

Brendo

Look for the helpers, they say.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Oh I remember this from that data you gave me off the internet, Tom............do you need me to put on the cat ears or is just the uwu sufficient?"

gellaho

Tom fondly remembers all the times he's put his friends and family in danger

Brendo

It's nice to reflect on all the times my hubris nearly got my friends killed.

FancyShark

Tom, you are the reason your friends have sleep paralysis demons

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Hahahahh, you guys remember that time I killed a man in the last moments before an asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs and left him stranded in the past as a fun puzzle for modern archaeology?"