132: Tom Swift #12: Death Quake Victor Appleton

gellaho

Oh, right, that thing we did!

Areze

And they burn to death the end

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Sweet.

gellaho

Quick! To the Gatorade!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

It's what mole people crave

gellaho

Drink the Gatorade! Do it!

LyraV

I've seen it, have no memory of how it ended so I'll take you're word for it

FancyShark

"Whoa there, Dr. Weiss. Don't you know that for serious dehydration, you need something that will replenish electrolytes as well as cool you down?"

LyraV

Wasn't Gabriel Byrne there?

In the core? No no wait.

gellaho

I don't really understand how they're rising anyway, but let's not worry about details like that

GDC

Hear me baby? Hold together.

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

For a random asshole Dan is doing a great job.

FancyShark

At this point they're still causing an eruption in Southern California

LyraV

Watch out for Hobbits when we surface

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

that special electrolyte fluid? goo

gellaho

I'm sure this eruption won't affect anything or anyone

GDC

They escape out of the erupting supervolcano in Yellowstone.

gellaho

Pew pew

FancyShark

DO IT

Velo

END THIS MADNESS

gellaho

Apparently, the ecoterrorists knew where the mole people would send them

gellaho

Somehow

FancyShark

PULL THE TRIGGER

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THE EARTHQUAKE GOD WILL HAVE ITS DUE

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

You need to stop, Bridget. There isnt time for this nonsense.

gellaho

Psychic attack!

Velo

Terrorist molemen obviously

FancyShark

"You are dead, Swift. I've spent the past week doing human interest stories on an old lady who remembers FDR"

gellaho

And the villain who's only appeared on the TV is dead. Probably

Brendo

The robot is the real hero.

FancyShark

Without question

gellaho

How did this guy know where to detonate a nuke to cause an earthquake, which would only work if sonic cannons were shot and the fault first? A great question

The law library

Eric Christian Berg

Wait, wasn't that Lex Luthor's thing from the 80s Superman?

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

"Aw Tom. If you dont let me read law all I have left is pornography. Do you want that on your conscience?!"

GDC

Late 70s, but yes.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Yeah, my years at the law library made me a worse person too

Eric Christian Berg

Shit, I'm old.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

anything a moleman does to you 500 miles deep is perfectly legal

Areze

"YES I DO"

gellaho

Am I, the reader, going to learn who he was the whole time? No? Alright.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

sorry soulless machines can't swear to tell the truth on the bible, he'll go free

GDC

Good thing he farted all over his tie.

Eric Christian Berg

I say, Killing in the Name is an interesting soundtrack for this.

gellaho

Remember when she set off her emergency alarm and everyone ignored it?

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

They can find a fortran manual

gellaho

I guess that was nothing

Because she's fine

FancyShark

lol

Brendo

Careful with that handshake; she knows aikido.

Eric Christian Berg

Man, I did Fortran in college.

gellaho

Fucking whatever, Bridget

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

I still have to poke fortran code occasionally

Eric Christian Berg

Came in handy when I worked for a defense contractors. The U.S. Gov't never updates anything.

GDC

Fortran is the computer equivalent of cuneiform on clay tablets.

Eric Christian Berg

Seriously, it was designed for fucking punch cards.

gellaho

And I guess Tom Swift Sr resigned to fool the terrorists... somehow

Velo

Sorry I looked away, did the molemen develop computer science?

GDC

No, just Fortran

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

they skipped cobol

gellaho

"There's no permanent damage," as they experience their seventeenth earthquake of the week

Eric Christian Berg

Still deal with cobol. G'damn PeopleSoft.

Ozzie

He was a renegade CIA agent and his plan was to pull a gun on a teen in front of a camp full of witnesses and cops?

And a robot?

Velo

So many people are dead

gellaho

Oh, right. Larry

LyraV

and still I fell asleep twice

Velo

Larry's still alive?!

FancyShark

Linda holds up Larry's ear

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

It's more exciting than his old job staring at goats

Velo

I assumed he died while I was gone

GDC

Wait did they just forget about the mob gambling heist subplot?

Brendo

Everyone dies when you stop looking at them in the Main Character Hypothesis

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Shut up the pages are done

Ozzie

Linda Brickowski is the perfect name for a Polish woman made from LEGO, so I'm assuming that's what she is.

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure the families in Vegas would be just fine with these teen shenanigans

FancyShark

oh shit

Larry's going to Lake Mead

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Impersonating a cop, that's pretty serious

GDC

That sounds like a much more interesting plot than the one we got.

Areze

Eh, no big deal

gellaho

All this talk about deceiving her brother gets Linda hot and bothered

gellaho

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

better flee across the border

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Well at least Dan is getting laid for all this.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

the deep border, to moleman kingdom

gellaho

What

FancyShark

what

Brendo

They use it as lube

Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky

Hoes love it when you save the eastern seaboard and make contact with mole men.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Aim low, dan

Brendo

It's crunchy for her pleasure.

GDC

A lady who appreciates crunchy peanut butter is rare and a keeper.

Brendo

Mole men go down like you wouldn't believe.

You don't even have to trick them into doing it with peanut butter.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

just burrow into that tunnel

Ozzie

Crunchy peanut butter is only 4 years more recent than "sliced bread"

Eric Christian Berg

Spelunk me

Velo

I'm going to stop looking back here

gellaho

Classic get 'em horny and make them clean your house trick

Ozzie

And I fall for it every time

gellaho

Good news: that's the end

Velo

How is that the end

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

That was the book equivalent of a laughing freeze frame ending

Brendo

I have multiple friends who have done this to save on cleaning ladies.

Velo

Mandatory word count reached

Eric Christian Berg

Freeze frame on their racous laughter.

Brendo

Sub guys are wild.

GDC

As an ending they all clean up Larry's frat bro puke

gellaho

We have defeated Tom Swift #12: Death Quake

FancyShark

We did it!

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

They're the best.

Velo

Thank you @gellaho

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

That was much less painful than Headcrash

GDC

After last week this was almost easy.

FancyShark

Great riffing, everybody!

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

Thank you @gellaho !

Velo

Thank you, the long dead Victor Appleton

gellaho

So concludes the 132nd Edition of The Book Cage

GDC

Thanks everyone, as usual.

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

Night everyone

Velo

You're all the best

Areze

Thank you and fuck you!

FancyShark

You too, Velo. You too.

gellaho

May you too someday be able to psychically communicate to eyeless molemen through their non-existent retinas. Somehow

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

But only for one chapter

Velo

Now stop criticizing my many pillows in our science vehicles

Brendo

But in a larger sense, Death Quake has defeated death, quaker of worlds

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

THE EARTHQUAKE GOD IS STILL HUNGRY

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

and there might be some tasty goo left

Velo

Stop eating the goo

Eric Christian Berg

Oh shit. Hand me a napkin.

Velo

The goo is molemen excretions

No, not the sex ape kind

PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard

A perfect thought to sleep to, goodnight!

Areze

Liar

Rachel, Grand Inquisitor

reasonable minds may disagree