PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Ah yes, we physicists and our classic orange jockstraps
133: Through the Reality Warp Donald J. Pfeil
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Billiard was doomed if he took the assignment, and his world was doomed if he didn't. But what choice did he have?
Archive
Velo
If you refuse to kill the nazis at least do this
John
Dr. Hall needs surgery because they outlawed glasses apparently.
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
Send all of them! Just because they're lower percentages it's not like they're suddenly busy
Brendo
I concur, he shows all the signs of OH WOW LOOK AT THAT BIRD
gellaho
Just sucking out all our energy
Velo
If he says "theorem" once I will strangle him
He just "um actually"ed
Brendo
69% odds of success is 100% odds of success.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
A slug in disguise!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Authors continue to not understand probablity 2000 year streak unbroken.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
In their defense, the vast majority of humans don't understand probability
gellaho
It's like a Russian resting doll of universes
Brendo
Is the twist that biddies be cold-blooded [when scorned]?
I know I'm a bad Green Lantern fan.
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
I hate the 'shine' as a term for movies almost as much as kiddie keeper for TV
Brendo
Billiard vs. Galactus!!
gellaho
The universe force field, sure
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
Wait, this is the plot of Anachronox
Brendo
This is the plot of Gattaca.
Wait no...the 13th Floor
Wrong underrated 90s scifi
gellaho
What
Velo
Billiard tell him to shut the fuck up
Pretend he's a woman and punch him
John
"Have you heard of multiple universes?"
"You mean weird time travel?"
"No, I mean there is more than one universe."
"Oh, makes sense."
This is bananas
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
The twist is that actually the Arisian breeding program needed the Lensmen to not fuck each other reproductively until the time was right and they could create the best psychic babies and women could probably do just fine as psychic space cops.
Clarissa MacDougall stay winning.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Are these universes separated along a 5th dimension? Or do they have physical boundries like walls?
gellaho
This goes on for a while
Anyway, somebody's making black holes
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
No stars = no mass, it's just science
Brendo
Not bad!
gellaho
And what a tremendous hole it was
Brendo
Yeah, the author of this book.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yeah the Lensman books are rad, do reccommend if you like that kind of pulp sci fi.
Velo
This is going to be another headcrasher but instead of MaxCool's aggressively flacid hog we're getting this shit for 200 pages
Kill the science nerd, he's holding the plot hostage
gellaho
Sucking it all out through the hole
Velo
How is this still happening
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hahahahha the foreigners from another universe done tuk our potential energy!
Thanks Obama.
gellaho
Science says things get big in the big universe
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
SPACE! KAIJU! WAR!
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Almost like we didn't need to mention it!
Brendo
This is how you would fuel time-travel though. The collective energy of an entire universe to roll time backwards.
I hate when the hacks and I have the same plots but they actually finish their books.
gellaho
Oh, also time go fast
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
THEY TUK OUR JERBS! AND OUR ENERGY!
Brendo
They absolutely did this storyline in Green Lantern a couple years ago.
They did Bootleg DC Galactus and went back to the outer shell universe, where they were tiny.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Wait that wouldn't mean you won't come back
gellaho
Your mission: push our universe away from their universe
Tom, Wizard Columbo
That would mean you could go into the other universe, complete the mission and come back in one second
Brendo
The line between hard sci-fi and isekai is electron-thin
Brendo
Your mummy would.
Velo
Science Jockstrap Man is an idiot
gellaho
Adventure!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Big deal.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
What year was this book written, again?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This universe sucks,.
Its got nerd slugs.
gellaho
I done found the original receipt in here
Velo
1976
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I am wanted for 69 sex crimes, and want to keep it there. But also I need to get out of the universe
Velo
Oh damn you have a first edition
I don't think there was a second one, but nice!
Brendo
Some nerd scooped this up the second it came out
OR
Velo
Oh no
Brendo
Some nerd from a larger universe time-traveled here to pluck it instantly
Velo
That's a sad OR
gellaho
And now: something about a space seed
Velo
Oh that's not the OR I was thinking of
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
heheheheh. Seed.
gellaho
Off to the next universe in a seed
Velo
This was more exciting when the slugs without personality were involved
gellaho
Part 2
Velo
How the hell
gellaho
Billiard has been posing as an alternate universe human for 6 months
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Everyone in our universe is just like "That asshole bought it! Flew himself right in to a black hole"
gellaho
Done learned from the TV
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Just say youre from Space Canada.
Refuse to elaborate.
gellaho
Get yourself a secret police that can do everything
Velo
This book has more nazi factions than women
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Nobody knew infiltrating an alien universe could be so complicated
gellaho
They also have classifieds
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Almost as many as actual nazis.
gellaho
A great fake name
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This universe has a real interesting version of Craigslist fuck ads, but we wont get to see them.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Haha "there are an untold million ways this universe is unknowably different from my own. Anyway I was browsing the lonely heart ads in the newspaper when suddenly..."
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
World Building! ROUND 2!
gellaho
Those small bubbles are dangerous
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
If the author plays his cards right he can just keep doing nested universes like a matryoshka doll and never have to stop world building.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Wow a small bubbler. Good thing he found that or else... Well, we all know what a bubbler can do
gellaho
My definition of conservatively dressed wouldn't ever include the word "nipples," but that's just me
gellaho
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Yeah in some parts of Australia a drinking fountain is called a bubbler
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
That's a Midwesternism
gellaho
Although, Billiard seems to be rocking the Zardoz, so who knows
gellaho
This is the typo in the preview. Not "Goldpaper," but Goldaper
that mfing chloe motherfucker
The Gold Aper
Really loves NFTs
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Why are you giving your real name
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
James Bond shit.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Billiard, because of the balls, you see
that mfing chloe motherfucker
Is his name toilet or is it bar pool, you decide
gellaho
New stabs
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"the God"?
Tom, Wizard Columbo
That's how you know we're in a different universe
gellaho
You gotta swap out your gods every once in a while
Velo
No time for tension, we spent too long with Dr. Science Jockstrap
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Ohhhhhhh its like a God King situation.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"We are ruled by a rapper, The God"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"His flow and his policies are tyrannical!"
Worse. Pitbull.
gellaho
I'm not entirely sure what happens next here, but he's flying a crew to the remote mining planet holding the HQ for the revolutionaries
He's got a child soldier as his copilot
gellaho
He notices the child soldier is too relaxed on reentry
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
That teen boy? SPACE STALIN!
gellaho
Then they get hit by a giant sky hammer?
Velo
If that teen hadn't been so lazy this could have been avoided
gellaho
And then, when the traitorous(?) child soldier tries to escape pod out, he Vulcan nerve pinches the kid into a seizure
Velo
DAMN YOU, TRAITOR CHILD!
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
wtf
gellaho
Then Billiard brilliantly maneuvers the ship despite it having four giant holes in it
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
WITH HIS LIFE!
Brendo
I drank from the fountains in Portland my first evening downtown, then immediately realized the population after 5pm was 90% methheads fistfighting ghosts who probably considered the hallmark bubblers their main bath. Anyway, I died.
gellaho
Here's an unnecessarily long paragraph about seeing a look
Brendo
This was the ten seconds America tried to convert to metric.
gellaho
Move aside, woman!
Brendo
Renri Goldaper, Baton Rouge Scooby-Doo villain
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Has the hero at any point so far done an action movie quip like
"Never play Billiard, bitch"?
Brendo
Are the redhats maga or hackers?
Velo
No but he has violenced a woman
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
No, he beats women and children and drives into balck holes
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
So MAGA
gellaho
girl
gellaho
Secret police
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Misogyny claims refuted
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"Hahaha, mysogyny transcends universes"
gellaho
Go back to Wayne's World, Lieutenant
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
So this guy is a general?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
He's whatever he needs to be at the time
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Or a president?
gellaho
I repeat he did not notice her figure or look at her tits
Velo
I believe his official rank is "Scab"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Im not sure the guy they brought in to train and lead troops on the ground fits into a chain of command enough to be able to just countermand something but whatever.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
pretty sure only a general or a president can overrule a colonel
Velo
True but he's wearing a jockstrap and nothing else
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Lmao great narration
gellaho
How many of you young idealists do I have to kill before you respect me?
Velo
And by "every" we mean "all two"
gellaho
To be fair, there are also only three named male characters
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
sure, women are either 10/10 babes or hideous crones, we all know this
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Sometimes both!
gellaho
Goldaper has managed to get completely smashed in about five minutes
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
in space you get drunk quicker.
Probably.
I dunno.
gellaho
My fifteen year old child soldier brother deserved respect, dammit!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Your bitch hearted brother tried to pull the ejection lever and got hisself pinched for his trouble.
gellaho
Kill-alert is on the fritz
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Billiard's neural-net processor expertly assessed the situation
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
lol I do love a good "Pussy aliens dont do war anymore so humans have to show them how to do good violence again."
gellaho
Billiard realizes his only solution to retain the respect of his men: murder the drunkard
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Lmao what the fuck
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I was not ready for this book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
What?
Lol.
Billiard.........Bill.......
No?
Velo
Bill this is dumber than usual
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Luckily he's spent 3 months in this universe so he's an expert in their culture
gellaho
I'm not really sure why this pilot is now superhuman, but sure
Velo
Bill our last hero spent 400 pages complaining about his dick and he still had a better plan than this
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yeah i dont think simply kicking this guys ass is going to work, Bill.
Velo
Kick his ass so hard he dies
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Actually challenging his authority is going to really undermine what youre trying to do.
FancyShark
YOU GET IT!?
gellaho
Jesus H Christ
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And now everyone watching is under the impression that the chain of command is unimportant, as long as you can beat your superior officer to death.
gellaho
Seen less brutal Jason Voorhees kills, dude
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Jack bauer looks calm and rational right now
Tom, Wizard Columbo
And just for fun, what IS he trying to do? He had an infiltration mission to save his universe and now he's joined a revolution seemingly on a whim
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"Reject my book idea will you, Goldaper!?"
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
We're playing on Ork rules now. Biggest guy rules.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I think his intent is to use the revolution to derail the project doing fucky things to the universe.
Velo
See, Herbert, this is how you get people to not like your protagonist
gellaho
Now he's the undertaker
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Yeah The God is eating our universe's energy and Billiard is there to stop it
gellaho
See young idealists, I'm perfect to overthrow your brutal theocracy
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
To be fair, who hasnt wanted to do this to their new boss at least once?
Velo
Hold on I know how to answer this question.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
I mean I guess, but it seems he hasn't thought about his actual mission in awhile
Velo
@Delta is just axing questions has Jack Reacher ever beaten one of his bosses to death?
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
I like that the author made it very clear: this was a murder.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Tho hey Bill? Do you have the network of connections that would enable your revolutionary movement to like.....continue functioning?
FancyShark
Hi, @Rachel, Grand Inquisitor !
Tom, Wizard Columbo
This is one of those gore reference images that gave Mortal Kombat devs ptsd
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like you basically answered an ad in Soldier of Fortune.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
It was not a manslaughter beating that accidentally went too far. It wasn't necessary to defend himself. It was a coldly calculated decision to murder this guy.
gellaho
So, hey there, admiral. We haven't met, but I already executed someone. Cool?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Followed by "who's next?"
FancyShark
Doomguy thinks this is a bit excessive
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So Admiral, this is where you throw this asshole out an airlock.
And try again.
Velo
"That's so cool bro" the Admiral said, visibly erect. "I love it when people kill my subordinates with their bear hands."
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You do not want an officer just thinking hes allowed to execute other officers unilaterally.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Oh man
gellaho
I find your brutal methods intriguing
Velo
Admiral Murder Johnson was a tough but fair leader
FancyShark
If this is what 73% chance of success looks like, what the hell was going to happen with the others?
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
I just thought of a great way of getting into management
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
It is a violent revolutionary/terrorist army
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Affordable squid ink flavored milk in an economical pouch! BRILLIANT!
gellaho
In conclusion: I murdered that guy for no reason
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
I feel like even the Taliban would expect you to exercise more restraint
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
That makes it even MORE important, you dont want your lads getting big ideas and if youre going to have an effective fighting force, you absolutely have to have discipline.
gellaho
And they'll be filled with pride when they see my battle thong
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Remember how the cover art showed conan the barbarian fighting a swamp troll with a tree branch? Wtf is this book?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"It also might make them throw hand grenades into my tent."
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
This is specifically straight pride.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Im gonna play it by ear."
gellaho
Part 3: Broads are only in the military to get fucked
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey Bill? Also author? Eat an entire dick.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
women amirite
they just need dick
gellaho
Santha
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Always getting fucked and demanding security and so on
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Alot of people do but that doesnt mean they cant shoot a motherfucker dead.
Velo
Well let's not go that far
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Alarms are going off in my head
FancyShark
The "something different" is she's Goldaper in disguise
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Huh, I guess me strangling that colonel made her horny."
Tom, Wizard Columbo
It's tits, isn't it Billiard. The something different about her is tits
Velo
Not even a good disguise. Just a nametag with "Samantha" misspelled on it
gellaho
Seeing the dump gets them really horny
gellaho
FancyShark
He still looks like he did after the beating
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"I wish these uniforms didn't advertise boners so prominently" thought Billiard "Killing Goldaper was a bit awkward"
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Those lumps made him so curvy
FancyShark
You're...really going to admit that, Bill?
Velo
He's still dead
FancyShark
Very
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
HAHA! THE WOMAN GAVE HIM FEEEEELINNNNNNNNGS!
Velo
This is a real fucked up Weekend at Bernie's / Wilson from Castaway situation
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Lmao he doesnt know how they ended up there
gellaho
Get it?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Short term memory loss.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
I.e., it's beyond the ability of the writer
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
He's gonna be real sad when the author kills her off
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
PENIS
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Boy who could have anticipated that the chapter that starts on misogyny would proceed like
this.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh no Billiard, your steely resolve has been compromised by her soft womanly flesh. Your chances of succeeding the mission are down by 4%!
gellaho
She's very concerned she thinks he's easy
Delta is just axing questions
More than once. He's also shot a couple of them when he was in the army.
FancyShark
Not since Scarrow have I had such a vivid picture of an author
gellaho
She doesn't sleep with every man she watches slowly and methodically beat someone to death
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Yup, this is women alright
Velo
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
The author understands us completely
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Set his ungrateful cock on fi
re
GODDAM CAT
Delta is just axing questions
Depending on how you define "his boss" reacher has merced a bunch of his employers
Velo
Thank you Delta, you are the hero we needed
FancyShark
Hi, @Delta is just axing questions !
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Girl if you were a mind reader why did you fuck him in the first place?
Tom, Wizard Columbo
What is there to object to, Billiard? That is exactly what you thought of her. We know that for a fact
Delta is just axing questions
People have needs
gellaho
But, that spat ends as quickly as it began
FancyShark
Please be a heart attack
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Women love it when you strangle effete beta males" - author of this book, apparently.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
The author puts down his shoehorn, having finally gotten that romance plot in there.
gellaho
Anyway, they're in love now
