Brendo
What if we find out Billiard is that weird ass god-emperor from the SuperTK Barbarian novel in this universe?
133: Through the Reality Warp Donald J. Pfeil
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Billiard was doomed if he took the assignment, and his world was doomed if he didn't. But what choice did he have?
Archive
Velo
He still is in our hearts
gellaho
The ceremonial bubbler of disappointment
gellaho
What a sentence
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
That's a promise not even Charles Atlas could keep!
Brendo
SEE???
Velo
Hi @noiretoon's funny dollar 💵 !
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
You definitely want all enemy forces together in one location before you strike. It's like Sun Tzu said, Combine and Conquer.
Velo
Billiard is so bad at this
And by 'this' I mean everything
Brendo
PINCER STRIKE
gellaho
The admiral gives him 3 of their 8 squadrons and, bizarrely, permission to name himself general
gellaho
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
what's that, some kind of space virginia mansqueeze?
gellaho
Why not just have the admiral name him general? Who knows
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Wait but if hes in command of a fleet hes an admiral too.
Im beginning to think this author doesnt know how ranks work.
Brendo
Admirable strategy, using generalized permission
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
The admiral knows you need to muddy the command structure before battle
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
"You have permission to promote yourself! Hell, until 3 months ago I was working the mess hall until I made this badge out of peas and mashed potatoes"
gellaho
The last chapter ended telling us Billiard had couped, so let's just do it again
gellaho
Let's see if he goes for three in a row
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
God I really hope this ends in a coup for him
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
I'm glad we established that Billiard purposely developed a cult of personality around himself without having to, yknow, actually see him do that.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also its rad that Billiard just basically became Space Stalin.
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
We would have to learn about his personality to do that, and not even the writer enjoys spending time with the character he created
gellaho
The next chapter begins with Billiard waking up to find a bunch of his forces are gone
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Billiard did nothing wrong
gellaho
Fold us up and englobe us
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Someone read the Lensman books but wasnt ballsy enough to steal The Cone of Battle.
gellaho
So, that's essentially Chapter 3
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Cutting englobed squadrons goes best as an appertif
Brendo
Honestly sounds like setting Billiard up as the Fall Guy when defeat is guaranteed.
gellaho
Chapter 4-4 begins with a confusingly written sentence
Brendo
PIP for space lunk
Velo
Hi @rooster !
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Im so sick of authors in the pocket of big universe
Velo
I'm so sick of big Billiard
Brendo
Technically he's in the big universe's pocket universe.
gellaho
You can really see Billiard's superior equipment in training in the way all his scouts die
Brendo
You idiot, these are STUN-torps
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
What does the author think nonscifi torpedos do?
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
"Quickly, Billiard named himself General as hard as he could to turn the tide of battle"
Velo
little boat nudge
Makes the boats go out of the way
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
hmmm.
noiretoon's funny dollar 💵
"Fire a warn-torp across their bow"
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its usually really bad if your scouts all die and cant like.........do scouting.
Velo
Billiard doesn't need scouts, he has the unearned confidence of a below average man in a sci-fi story
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Stratego is hard, man
gellaho
There's a space battle, who could care
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
It was probably not a very good space battle.
gellaho
But, don't worry, the two squadrons they lost contact with suddenly reappear
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Thats a fair chunk of your guys, Bill.
gellaho
Really upping the suspense there, Pfeil
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Rad, no need to keep reading, skip to the end.
Considerate of the author to spare us his boring ass excuse for space radness.
God of Lori is what a really nerdy ass dom calls himself in front of his trailer park denizen sub.
gellaho
Here is Billiard killing some men horribly
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
What kind of torpedo though?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yup. Boring space battle. Lacks flair. Not even cool weapons.
Velo
Heavy-duty this time
They weigh more than an average torpedo
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Torpedoes? Call me when you are crushing planets between two other planets like an adult, Billiard.
gellaho
The God of Lori, who was flying his brand new flagship towards the battle, makes a U-turn whilst crying
Velo
Same
gellaho
Because, apparently, losing his other, older battleship, meant certain defeat
gellaho
For some reason
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Man you bought a bullshit set of battleships.
Velo
Pfeil is a master of suspense
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like you dont even have point defense frigates?
Your Homeworld game is weak my guy.
Velo
"I'm fucked" the emperor thought, "I bet Vader is going to toss me down a gravity well like a sack of garbage any year now."
gellaho
The God of Lori tries to keep everything together, despite just giving up
gellaho
You can keep control over a 900 ly area with three battleships, right?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
30 Years War.
gellaho
The rebels now have enough spaceships to completely encircle the inner empire. Somehow
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
The Lorians represent the reader's attention span, impotent against billiard's unstoppable force
Lol just occupying the entire exterior surface of a 900 lightyear sphere
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So uh.........nobody really has figured out yet that when you encircle something you need exponentially more of it and more spread out, AND you need that much less numbers to break out.
gellaho
Billiard intercepts the god's offer of "halfsies" to the admiral
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"We could like..........fuck? I guess?"
Brendo
Remind me why they had to slaughter this universe to harvest its energy?
Like why didn' they just show up at the big crunch?
Velo
"The throne is extra wide!" The god shouted, "we could snuggle, and share the universe!"
Brendo
Ah.
gellaho
Usurpation of prerogative
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Hey bud, are you in charge? No? Then fuck off."
gellaho
"Groundcars" or "cars" as they are known by sensible people
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Do they even have non ground cars?
gellaho
Meet General Karlar, oh, wait he's dead
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
It would be really funny if Billdo going AWOL to shut off the suck machine fucks up the revolution and he just dips out.
gellaho
They have sky boats
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And I assume sea planes, just to complete the set.
gellaho
Joe Hardy weeps at losing another Iola
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Santha really got that promotion she was working all that dick for.
Velo
God damn assassins!
gellaho
In the Star Palace (seriously), Pfeil finds the need to slavishly describe a phone
gellaho
While talking to the Lorian god, Billiard objects to the tortuous murder of military leaders for failure
gellaho
Forgetting, of course, that he did the exact same thing to Goldaper
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Normally I love a good star palace, but this one sucks.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
He's against it now that he's a military leader
Velo
Fuck you Billiard
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also yes, it was necessary, you have to execute policy wonks or they just keep sprouting.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Checks out tbh
Why still call him The God? I'd just start calling him Melvin.
gellaho
Billiard tells the god to surrender
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Please be a half clever trap involving a WMD black hole bomb.
gellaho
Then Billiard shines his shoes
gellaho
And the other one
Velo
Thrilling
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Prick. Boring and prickish.
Its really noble how much he cares about the people that live in this universe too, huh, author?
gellaho
Which he does instead of telling anyone that the god is surrendering
Oh, darn
Velo
He sucks so much
gellaho
Blammo
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shit we got a war crime!
gellaho
Big blammo
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Hold on, maybe they were friendly torps.
Oh.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Unload the torpedoes of war, and load the torpedoes of peace!
Velo
You know most authors would tell us their characters are stupid assholes. Let's all thank Pfeil for really showing us.
gellaho
Then, bizarrely, a cute moment with the lieutenant
Velo
Weird
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Would this have been any less embarassing for Billiard if he had been rubbing one out instead of shining his shoes?
Velo
Yes
gellaho
There goes my sociopath
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Bill........I have a feeling you arent gonna be Emperor Of Space for very long.
Velo
Ahahahaha
He had a feeling of regret for seven sentences
gellaho
Onto Part Five
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
A clear conscience, lmao
No regret over the shoe shining?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Watch Bill find out they HAD to be sucking the other universes energy, because a third universe is sucking theirs.
Velo
The author may as well have just written "ANYWAYS"
Brendo
Somebody's been reading their Zelazny
gellaho
Where the admiral who doubted Billiard and refused him troops, instead now has complete confidence in him
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
God we've still got a coup to go dont we
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey guy.........you dont think that maybe possibly the dude that has run your military might, i dunno........not hand it over?
Velo
Damn I was hoping this was wrapping up
Oh hey the admiral has a name
Brendo
Billiard...Dragonard...oh my god, this is a prequel
gellaho
The admiral decides on assassination
Velo
Balderdash!
Brendo
DENNard--!
Velo
"Now that I think about it he did punch a man to death in front of me once."
gellaho
The admiral decides to land on a 2000 year old religious artifact
gellaho
Brendo
Wait a minute
HITLARD
HITLARRD
HITNLARARARD
Velo
Why
Why do that
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Because fuck history.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Someone reset Brendan?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its for NERDS and the new boss is gonna live forever.
gellaho
The admiral immediately admits defeat. For some reason
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Wow Billiard is complete without equal
He's defeated his enemies, his allies, and all chance at tension
gellaho
Billiard decides to frame the admiral for the killing of the god
gellaho
gellaho
That does not make any sense for a whole host of reasons
But, more importantly, you've completely overthrown that government. Who cares?
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Lol. Just blame the guy for the thing that's clearly your fault.
Brendo
See? Fall guy reversal. HIRE me, publishing houses.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuuuuuuuuuck.
"Oh noooo he done murdered the tyrant."
gellaho
He takes complete power, yadda yadda
Brendo
Only you can, girl.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
I'll get the frying pan
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yayyyyy its the brand new Bill Imperium.
Brendo
Aren't they about to exit this entire universe? Who cares about its politics? They just wanted to stop the siphon, right?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh shit hes gone native!
gellaho
Billiard tells his girlfriend that the father of the revolution will be cared for
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Lol he has immediately established a fresh dictatorship, not even pretending to bring liberty
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Military gonna milit.
gellaho
Billiard can't go back to our universe without dying
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
He doesn't tell Santha about the ice pick
Brendo
I feel that, but let's wait for the election results.
gellaho
That is correct
gellaho
Being god-king is such a drag
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Maybe should have fuckin saddled Kopett with it then, Bill.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Lmao
Velo
Kopett probably could have done this, Billiam
gellaho
But, nevermind all that subterfuge and betrayal
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
He still fuckin whatsherface?
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Yes let's travel to the bigger universe
gellaho
It's time for a romantic comedy hijinks!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Or is he more of a harem haver god king?
Velo
You mean the entire book up to this point?
Oh okay. New book time
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
imagine being the kind of loser god king without a harem
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Why would you even WANT that?!
gellaho
Let's have a picnic on the graves of our enemies!
Velo
Her name is Santha, which is Santa with one extra letter
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Whole point of being god king
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Like theres like four Chinese emperors who had a singular wife.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
"You dont scare me, power mad dictator of the cosmos :p "
gellaho
Women be sticking their tongues out constantly
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
danger of dennard being tagged suddenly very high
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
And some of them didnt count because they still had to have concubines.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Had to? Being emperor is so hard
gellaho
Those damned full bulges
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also what the fuck is this romcom shit?
I hope he breaks his fuckin dick.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
In a rage, Billiard outlaws bush, leading to his inevitable fall.
Brendo
Our hero, plotting the murder of his predecessor before a weird power dynamic leads to sleeping with a subordinate
gellaho
Billiard is unfamiliar with the feeling of a human hand
Brendo
Clumsy ruthless warlord
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Drop. Him.
Velo
"He's just like me, for real." Pfeil thought
gellaho
Billiard declares this cave his
gellaho
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
LIBERATE SPACE
Velo
He's gone hilariously mad with power
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey dude, you know you can just cut someones dick off and make them do all the real work while you fuck and build cabinets, right?
gellaho
Time to eat some psychedelic chicken
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Worked for the Tianqi Emperor.
Okay but I want The Chicken That Opens Your Third Eye.
Brendo
Perpetually amazed by how many book parties are "What if I finally had the power to be a selfish asshole?"
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
An incredible fantasy
Not that I haven't named myself a god, but still.
Brendo
Gellaho curated us the tyranny of the unremarkable CHSWM
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Pronounced "cheese-wam"
Personally I'd just NOT do tyranny, but I'd also have a robot army.
And a sweet giant robot.
gellaho
Let's watch these two idiots go through wild mood swings
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
For fucks sakes just reveal shes a Redhat already.
gellaho
Here's some more
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Dude, youre a god king, you are the one who dictates tradition.
Fuck that noise, put a ring on that ho.
gellaho
Still not done
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Fuuuuuuuuuck ooooooooooooofffffffff what is everyone gonna do, say "Well despite your military power and stuff, you cant be god king anymore."
gellaho
Then she decides to take the treacherous way out while high on chicken
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
No you dont understand as all powerful dictator he's simply not allowed to make a woman his equal, for the benefit of the people
Darn he's so upset about it too
Velo
God damn it Pfeil sucks so much
gellaho
Off to part 6
Velo
How the hell was that enough to be part five
That's it I'm digging up Pfeil's bones
Brendo
It's not cheating if it's in another universe.
But the alien bacteria you bring back disagree.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
What happens in Bigger Universe stays in Bigger Universe
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey Bill, you know you can delegate paperwork, right?
High octane filing action!
Velo
Part five was paperwork plus cave
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
White knuckle administrative work!
gellaho
So far, yes
Billiard almost shoots a member of his secret police
gellaho
This dweebus has information on where the universe drain is
And when I tell you it goes on way too long
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Oh right, that thing we are supposed to care about and think Billiam cares about.
gellaho
Turns out the guy they need to find is right here, convenient
gellaho
Brendo
Guy just EVAC THE UNIVERSE with your babe
The worst RomCom
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"I literally just found General Space Bin Laden here in Space Abbottabad."
gellaho
I'm sure there are plenty of traffic cops in your occupied city
gellaho
Hotels are exactly the same in all universes
Brendo
No rules for the rich
gellaho
Goddrun Nevils
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Cool you didnt even bring your bodyguards, good thing nobody has any reason to assassinate you.
Velo
Billiard you are a god emperor why are you doing any of this
gellaho
How do you not know what he looks like?
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
He hasn't gotten all the space marble statues erected in his honor yet
Better pain-whip those electro-slaves.
gellaho
The general has sensual fantasies about this power source he doesn't understand
Velo
The whole rest of this plot might as well be Superman getting mugged
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Where? I dont fuckin know, do I look like an egghead to you?!"
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
oh sorry wrong window
gellaho
Despite not having "many details" the general then goes on for several pages explaining exactly the same thing the jockstrap doctor did in part 1
Velo
Everyone take a moment to appreciate Gellaho's suffering as he flips through ten pages of this idiot rambling
gellaho
Lori is a universe of psychopaths
gellaho
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Um.......sucks to be them? Basically? Fuck em?"
Velo
And now Billiam learns about relativity and different perspectives!
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Still better than whoever made our universe
gellaho
A bold move to taunt the god-king
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Hey did you know we recently invented a machine for probing thoughts? It feels like someone is slowly pulling your brain out with a hot wire over several days."
Velo
Give him Santha and let's get on with it
gellaho
Billiard responds by breaking this old man's teeth
Velo
"Well first of all, rude." M'tang said
gellaho
And Billiard always keeps his promises for people to live
Velo
Never threaten your enemies with a swift death
gellaho
Power ergs
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Huh..........im gonna be honest I thought ergs were a made up sci fi term like energotromes and bio electrogram. But nope.