Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Also again SHE GAVE HIM FEEEEEEELIIIIIIIINGS! LMAO!
133: Through the Reality Warp Donald J. Pfeil
Tags:
Billiard was doomed if he took the assignment, and his world was doomed if he didn't. But what choice did he have?
Archive
Tom, Wizard Columbo
"I am now in love with you"
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
in reality we want to do it ourselves
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
what a beta cuck
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Totally soy.
Velo
You should strangle him
Delta is just axing questions
@Velo for the record reacher usually fucks in each book too. Usually not his boss though.
Velo
I know it's late but her name is Santha
Tom, Wizard Columbo
I can't wait for her to die in battle and him to go on a powerful manly rampage
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Ewww
FancyShark
So brave of the author to devote as much time to a romantic relationship as to the lustful description of a man shooting a gun
Velo
Non-sexually
Delta is just axing questions
I knew i was doing something right. Ladies
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Still a little ew
gellaho
Anyway, turns out the revolutionaries are already great at this and don't need any training, so why was Billiard hired?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Goldaper was going to explain- oh
Velo
"Why are we here?" is a real existential question to bring up this late in the book
FancyShark
Great job, author! The audience will never suspect you wanted to skip ahead!
Fucking asshole
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So basically all the easy shit you can learn in two weeks.
Like literally, tactics can be explained in a lazy afternoon with some diagrams.
gellaho
And now, Billiard has his own secret spies. Yay!
Velo
The audience will never suspect you were an author at this rate
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I also thought this was supposed to be like them doing a coup? Why do they need to do raiding?
FancyShark
Hey, author? This shit is what you write when you're giving the backstory on a new secondary character, not the main narrative.
gellaho
Billiard is going to show god just how hard he can fuck this universe
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Gotta put something in the book
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
Nah writing is hard, just exposit. Tell, dont show.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I would send a time machine back loaded with Dan Abnett and Battletech books for this fucker.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
2.8
FancyShark
If they're not as long as a tall man is tall, then Weber is a fraud
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Oh no, this universe doesn't know about Jesus!
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
The spaceship was as long as a long ship was long
Velo
Are you suggesting this book is bad?
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Size is relative between universes but time is a hard absolute
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I wouldn't give it a 2.8
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
You have to wonder if Lori is even worth it.
FancyShark
For perspective, Headcrash averaged something like 3.7 on Goodreads
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
One has to assume Headcrash is popular with the old and the brain injured.
Or the terminally unfunny.
FancyShark
Can confirm. The people giving it four and five stars praised it like it was the peak of literature
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Out of 5???
gellaho
They go on a bombing raid to a half-amphibian planet
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Headcrash had that "tell it like it is" douchery that was popular in the 90's
FancyShark
It's not easy being Marine
gellaho
Leaving does not go well
FancyShark
Yes!
Exclamation points!
They definitely belong in a 3rd person omniscient writing!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Good, shoot down this fuckhead and let him die, so we can get a good protagonist.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
gellaho
And now: a massage
FancyShark
A few minutes of sensual massage. Alone.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
"Its totally not me jerking it in the wreckage happy to be alive, you guys."
gellaho
That is quite a bit of luck
FancyShark
Fuck you, author
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Then he finds a pantsless lady and poses for the cover quick
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Ohhhhhhhhh this is going to be the whole book, huh? Him getting off this Space Vietnam With Frog Men?
FancyShark
He has a universe to push. We can't waste time here.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Cool, id hate it but I assume Frank Frazetta got paid.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
That is how frogs do it
gellaho
Not as great luck for Santha
FancyShark
oh no how shocking not her
no please she is so beloved
gellaho
A medical boob slap
FancyShark
Her torso falls off
"I don't think I'm gonna make it."
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
My bad, Boris Vallejo. Frank Frazetta did Death Dealer, which is the OTHER thing im paying attention to right now.
gellaho
Walking through the jungle, Santha feels the need to strip
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
YEAH GET YO TITS OUT FOR THE JUNGLE!
FancyShark
That's right. Expose an open wound to the swamp water and air.
gellaho
He considers abandoning her
FancyShark
Our hero
Velo
Lathan Billiard sucks so much
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Its absolutely not how you get jungle rot on your titties.
gellaho
She immediately gets parasites
FancyShark
hahahaha
@Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky , high five. We called it.
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Welp.
gellaho
He solves the problem by gun burning her
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
FancyShark
You seem to know an awful lot about wildlife in this alternate universe, BILL
gellaho
For fifteen minutes
Velo
Sure Billiard, shoot the woman for her own good. Therapy is expensive sometimes
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Why didn't you tell her that when she started to take the suit off, you stupid fuck
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
This book
FancyShark
Jesus, Bill. Paul Giamatti in Shoot Em Up didn't do this bit this long
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hey Bill? Why are you jamming the barrel of your precision focused light weapon in the dirt?
Tom, Wizard Columbo
And why do you know more about this planet than her, you fucking Mary Sue tourist
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
It doesnt make noise, you can just point it normally.
gellaho
Don't worry, he got some too
FancyShark
Only three because he is thick with man meat
Velo
So the suits don't help
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
They help a little.
Like prayer.
gellaho
She's now narcoleptic
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Hoes be eepy. Even in another universe.
FancyShark
She's lost only four or five pints of blood. She'll be fine.
gellaho
And he decides that it is now time to abandon her
FancyShark
Our HERO
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
It's like I always say, might as well take off your clothes because your suit won't protect you from the nerve eating worms.
And then the sheriff's officers make me take my meds.
FancyShark
Bill, I hope when you die, you die afraid
gellaho
Floater motors
Tom, Wizard Columbo
And full to bursting with parasites
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
gellaho
Anyway, he goes back and yells at the nearly dead woman for being slow
FancyShark
I can't tell if the author even wants us to like Bill
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Slit her throat and move on then, BILL.
gellaho
That goes on for a while
gellaho
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I'm not going to waste any breath, after this monologue
FancyShark
Well, that answers that. The author is a stupid asshole
gellaho
The yelling, of course, is also filled with lies. Fun!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
This really morphed from "We need you to train like 200 dudes for a coup."
Mission creep much?
FancyShark
Long way off from "Push this universe away from this other universe"
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Have the sexy naked fight with the swamp troll already
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
I think Billiard is the troll
gellaho
This planet seems fun
FancyShark
Oh I'm sorry, Bill. Are you tired?
Tom, Wizard Columbo
But if you ignore the nerve eaters you die
They eat your nerves, remember?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yeah Biiiiiiiill! Also FLYING SPIDERS?!
FancyShark
I want to believe the nerve eaters are each the size of a golden retriever
Just bonking against them like they want walkies
Velo
Billiard sucks so much
He does not deserve to be called Bill
gellaho
Full uniform, huh?
Velo
Billiard deserves his full, stupid name
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Or Billdo.
gellaho
That's sure what this looks like
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
So this cover deffo was an existing piece and they just bought it, huh?
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Wooo do it bash him
gellaho
Carefully examining his map, as pictured above
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Take off your clothes and fight the troll man
gellaho
Shut up, honey. I gotta kill him for his map
FancyShark
"You two know I can hear you, right?"
gellaho
Wrestle the four armed guy, sure
FancyShark
Billiard, size does matter. Forget what all the prostitutes told you after you paid them to say that.
gellaho
Billiard prepares to beat every single hole until he finds the brain
gellaho
Fight not starting great
FancyShark
You got this, Billiard
He didn't rupture your stomach like you somehow did to Goldaper
Tom, Wizard Columbo
The Earthman stumbled, his belly sluggish with nerve eaters
gellaho
Billiard goes for the Tyson
FancyShark
"Thanks, buddy. That parasite was really itchy."
gellaho
Then the Gribble
Brendo
I'm back, baby!
FancyShark
"Susan"
Brendo
That's just Eddie Vedder saying "Welcome."
gellaho
Billiard about to get some parasites
FancyShark
Feel free to lend a hand anytime, dying woman
Tom, Wizard Columbo
Less than half the force? Hey Billiard I think maybe you're losing buddy
gellaho
Then Billiard gets the murder rage again
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Boooooooooooo you got lucky Billdo Baggins
FancyShark
The Vwrung'n minister is no more. His message of peace and coexistance ends here.
gellaho
Anyway, here's Santha
FancyShark
haha, silly author. People don't slap any lighter if they're hitting a child.
gellaho
And I am definitely reading this map correctly
gellaho
Satellite-mounted electronic manhunters
FancyShark
You mean cameras, Bill?
gellaho
Women
FancyShark
They get devoured by one lake of leeches and they get all lazy
gellaho
Billiard gives up when he encounters the mountains he saw on the map
Tom, Wizard Columbo
God this is miserable
FancyShark
This is almost as bad as actually camping
gellaho
Oh, wait, no he doesn't
Velo
I think j the author was going for "unpredictable rogue" and over shot it, accidentally landing on "unlikable asshole"
Brendo
He freesoloed his character flaw.
gellaho
This must have been serialized in something, because that's madness
FancyShark
"He had wondered constantly if his arms would hold out. They had."
gellaho
And the enemy know exactly where they are now, somehow
Brendo
All happy families are alike in the Mercenary Guild.
gellaho
Hey, Donald Pfeil, it was on the map. You wrote that
gellaho
The bastards avoided his narrow minefield! How!?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Classic minefield mistake!
FancyShark
Can't believe he's on the run from an army of Unix enthusiasts
gellaho
Thank God for the second minefield
FancyShark
Bill, where and when and how did you get landmines?
gellaho
Yeah, you seemed like you had a real hard time pulping that guy and alien
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
"Just kidding, it was invigorating"
FancyShark
Knowing this was probably serialized in a magazine does make the terrible narrative choices make more sense
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Written like a dude whos never killed anyone.
I guarantee it doesnt make you more physically tired than digging latrines.
gellaho
Dove, dammit
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Santha continues to bleed out
gellaho
She's just napping
Velo
Women
FancyShark
She slept through that? Damn, I'm jealous
gellaho
Well, don't worry. The revolutionaries are here
gellaho
At least, I assume. I don't believe "Free Lori" has been mentioned previously
FancyShark
They could just seal up the entrance. Let him and the lady starve in there. Just a thought.
gellaho
Ah, it can wait
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Whatever book, youve shot your Boris Vallejo wad and now im done with you.
Brendo
To be fair, this is like 800 days back home.
Tom, Wizard Columbo
No it was the other way, wasn't it? When earth sent a probe through, from their perspective it aged 1100 years in minutes. That should mean this whole mission has been a millisecond so far back home
Velo
If that's the end I will dig up this stupid assholes grave
FancyShark
Or bury him alive if he's not dead
Velo
Oh he's dead, I checked
FancyShark
Good
Velo
That's why I checked
gellaho
Well, that's the end of Part 3, so a good place to stop for today
gellaho
I do have a bonus, in remembrance of our fallen Goldaper
Brendo
You're right. I guess if you get back at the same time regardless you can take your time.
gellaho
FancyShark
GOLDAPE!
Brendo
This book is taking 1100 years
FancyShark
@Brockway ! NEW APE!
Velo
The rarest ape
Brendo
Dang, ape, are you the U.S. gymnastics team?
Because I would like to have athletic sex with you.
Velo
Do not scroll up to find out what lead to this ape
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Do it.
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
That is the cost of ape
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You know you need to know the full Ape Context.
Velo
Thank you @gellaho
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Yeeee a good time, thanks @gellaho
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Thank you @gellaho !
FancyShark
Sorry I ducked out for part of it!
And have to miss next week!
gellaho
That ended up way crazier than even the first 18 pages led me to believe
Brendo
I missed 2/3 of it and yet missed none of it
Thank you for your sacrifice, @gellaho
PhysWiz vs the Wanking Wizard
Those were a different book altogether
Marc Madness
Thanks for the pain!
gellaho
The Book Cage #133.5
Through the Reality Warp - Part 2
Jump back into the reality warp, losers. Latham Billiard's space seed traveled through a space hole with powerful suction. Now, he's trapped in an alternative universe dressed as Sean Connery in Zardoz. He's got a new military squeeze he just loves yelling at, and unnecessary vicious murder. Truly the hero we've always needed. The adventure continues Friday 5pm, eastern.
gellaho
FancyShark
Have to miss this one because driving to visit family. So, good luck, everyone! If we're lucky, Billiard dies. A lot.
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's Through the Reality Warp Part 2. Here's were we finished up
gellaho
Here's your preview of Part 4. Chapter 4? Who knows!
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Rad, I love when the format is "FOUR"
Velo
FOUR
VernoWhitney
FOUR - I, in fact
Velo
Everyone wish @FancyShark a very happy evening of not being here to suffer with us
Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary
No. They should be here. We burn together.
Velo
He'll suffer fancily somewhere else I'm sure
Brendo
That was Wheel of Time, which you probably hated.
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
He's visiting his family so yes
Brendo
Let's do the Reality Warp again!
Velo
BOOK CAGE
gellaho
Pfollow Along
Velo
When we left off our main character Billiard was an insufferable asshole! Will he stop being an insufferable asshole?! Let's find out!
gellaho
A year of sucking our universe's energy passes
Velo
That's a hell of a time jump
gellaho
Billiard fretting like a mother hen the whole time
Brendo
Velo, you are Mr. Shark today. Thank you for wearing the fancy top hat.
gellaho
Lori's personal god, meanwhile, decides to throw everything at Billiard
Velo
Hi @gellaho !
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
You know what happened in your home universe? Literally nothing because its been like five minutes.
gellaho
It's been two years in the space hole now
Velo
Hi @Brendo !
Hi @Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky !
Lori has a really incompetent god
gellaho
Billiard somehow has the superior equipment, even though they're scrounging everything. Figure that one out
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Guess theyve been stealing the top tier shit.
gellaho
Was the one troll man they struggled killing have it?
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
I guess, he must have had the good loot drops.
gellaho
Pfeil helpfully included one raid in the text, where they destroyed everything on a planet shared by an unrelated civilization
And now they have all the troops and training they need, in that year he skipped
It's called good writing
And then, Billiard enacts his second coup
Velo
I hope it fails and we get another training montage
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
ABC, Always Be Coupin'
gellaho
Chapter 4-1 was Scarrowesque in its brevity
Velo
That's a nice change
gellaho
It's strategically important to only try out the giant battleship with two days notice
Rachel, Grand Inquisitor
If the revolutionary army fails because they keep revolting against their own leadership I'll love this book
Flippant Sausage Foreskin Jerky
Sure, thats enough time for a shake out run.
Velo
Hi @Rachel, Grand Inquisitor !
I forgot her name was Santha
gellaho
Billiard's personal secret police remain strong
gellaho
Really wish Billiard was still rocking the Zardoz
