gellaho
Connie's looking to get bombed by an international terrorist organization
136: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #40: Fright wave Franklin W. Dixon
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In rough waters and rough company you always have to watch your back.
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gellaho
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
No fuck you, book, you cant let the Hardy Boys eyeball Chineseness.
FancyShark
Hi there, Connie! You're definitely not going to try to kill Jade for always beating you!
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Also Connie, are you talking about Joe when you say "Trophy?"
Because ohhhhhhhh boy is he not that.
gellaho
Might be doing a Single White Female
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
He has a brother if you want like two hundred pounds of analytical dipshit.
A Brendan for Christmas
Sorry, Jade, I just mistook this Chinese-American woman for you, because you all look alike. But I see now that she has connie-fer colored eyes, whereas yours are jade!
Damn, Joe just lost his best "Get into your wetsuit" window.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Is their similar appearance gonna be part of the plot? Like Connie frames Jade for some surf crime?
gellaho
Seems like a great relationship
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
And only Joe can prove that the real culprit had slightly different Oriental features?
A Brendan for Christmas
Joe can't tell them apart, and the real Jade says "You have to shoot us both [down the wicked pipeline], Joe!"
gellaho
Well, it was nice knowing you Connie
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
The wave just fucking shot her
Gambling debts
Two in the back of the head
rooster
He's got one of those racist pamphlets the army made during ww2
gellaho
Surfing mafia'll get you every time
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Oh I was joking about the pops actually being gunshots
Ok so the shooter thought Connie was Jade
Her dad is involved in something shady
GDC
The head-seeking surfboard didn't work, they had to try a more direct approach
gellaho
Probably should have taken those off first, Joe
FancyShark
Pants: Not Even Once
A Brendan for Christmas
It thought she was Jade.
gellaho
Frank strokes strong and evenly
Areze
THat's what im saying but the cops didn't agree
A Brendan for Christmas
the shooter shot Joe, because he was wearing the same wetsuit, just to be safe.
FancyShark
Jesus, Frank. There's a time and place
gellaho
Unconscious from the gunshots?
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
If the time and place isnt on the beach and right now, then when is it?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
She's at 0 hp but she hasn't failed 3 death saving throws
FancyShark
Maybe Connie just blew out a tire or a gasket
gellaho
DAMN MY PANTS!
A Brendan for Christmas
Suddenly all the blood in the water attracted SHARKS!!!!1!
gellaho
Fuckin weird, ghostwriter
gellaho
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
There's been weirdly no mention of blood
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"Surf Mafia Lyfe, fuck cops pop pop." Joe quoted. "We need to take Pitbull out of your rotation." said Frank."
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I wonder if they used beanbag rounds or something to just knock her out
Make it look like an accident
FancyShark
The sharks off-shore are kicking themselves for just watching Joe flail like an idiot
gellaho
That's how that works
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
He hit her reset button
gellaho
Classic bullet shark
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Yeah that's how that works
FancyShark
Vampire Shark
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Yeah just pretend it was a shark Connie, and dont hang out with the Hardy boys.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Classic sign of the nail shark, cousin to the hammerhead
gellaho
JOE SMASH
FancyShark
Do it, Joe
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"Same Asianness."
FancyShark
Remember the rage from the safari massacre
A Brendan for Christmas
The shark that killed Jade's mom is back to finish the job, and it's taking no chances.
rooster
Jaws 5
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Oh shit the safari massacre series also had a karate duel with a half Asian girls dad........
Im not complaining, im hoping.
FancyShark
The shark catches up and reveals it killed Jade's mom because they used to date and it couldn't handle the rejection
gellaho
Surfer bro shows up
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Jade flies to the mainland and can see from her window the shark following her plane
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Oh right, Connie has a boyfriend.
rooster
I wasn't upset until it impacted me
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
It was probably him.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"i thought I shot at Jade I mean I have to go bye"
gellaho
That's funny, what's his real name?
A Brendan for Christmas
Nick shot Connie so he could get with Jade, but he got them confused and shot himself twice just to be sure.
FancyShark
Second draft. His initial name was Mike. Mike Hawk.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Then Mike Hunt
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Yeah that passes for a villain name in a Hardy Boy jam.
rooster
At least give some credit to the hardy boys for having anyone get shot. I think in a Nancy Drew book they might literally just talk about surfing the entire time
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Nick Hawk, Surf Assassin.
gellaho
A normal relationship
rooster
He killed her out of jealousy. Done. Print it
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Well that's the mystery solved
FancyShark
Ah, so he shot her to help her get better at surfing
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
He should get her pregnant and raise the ultimate surf assassin.
rooster
Wanted 2: Surf's Up
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Let's go eat and then have this guy arrested, the end
GDC
"Also got really into sharpshooting recently"
gellaho
Ominous
A Brendan for Christmas
He'd have to be an incredibly precise shot for that.
gellaho
"Oh, and we work with a super secret extranational intelligence agency called The Network"
rooster
Wait, yeah, how do we know they weren't shooting at the Hardy Boys?
A Brendan for Christmas
This sounds like something you say to make fun of the hardy boys.
rooster
The world-traveling detective spy teens
gellaho
"Speaking of dads, where's ours?"
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Shooting at the Hardy boys works so little everyone has just kind of given up by now.
FancyShark
"You'll be safer with us," say the teen detectives who have failed to protect every person they've ever met
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
The best anyone ever got was car bombing one of their girlfriends.
gellaho
gasp
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
CAR CHASE?!
CAR CHASE?!
CAR CHASE?
A Brendan for Christmas
Is Jade a princess or something?
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
pleading tone CAR CHASE?
gellaho
Flawless plan
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Better, shes Irish/Japanese.
A Brendan for Christmas
Guys, it's an island. Just hug the curb and eventually you'll pull up behind your pursuer.
FancyShark
She said she and her dad moved to Hawaii when she was two and she got real quiet when alluding to her mother
gellaho
She's Asian with green eyes, so according to Big Trouble in Little China, yes
A Brendan for Christmas
The name Jade was, perhaps, inevitable, in '80s hack minds.
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Give that Valet 50 bucks and he will give you any key he has.
A Brendan for Christmas
And she's played by Emma Stone.
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
HARDY BOYS CAR CHASE WITH STOLEN HAWAIIAN PORSCHE!?
gellaho
Based on this valet's reaction, I think Frank traded sex with Joe for a jacket
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
A valet comes back from his shift either with his red jacket or upon it
GDC
Haha, Joe just got trafficked.
Cave
Cave
friedkin, no less
gellaho
Flawless security
gellaho
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
]
gellaho
This ghostwriter is way too into Joe for my tastes
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Joe's bigness helps to make up for the ineptitude of his schemes
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Sorry Ghost Writer, but Ive seen many Hardy Boy covers, and Joe has never looked even remotely threatening.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"hi I'm the new valet in the jacket that doesn't fit, give me someone's keys"
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Like ive seen labradors more threatening than Joe.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Also I like this huge elaborate scheme to steal a car, while the sedan they want to follow is presumably driving away
A Brendan for Christmas
To be fair, most guys with Republican haircuts look threatening when they smile.
GDC
The sedan is on the other side of the island and has had it's window repaired
gellaho
This is a very elaborate way to get your own rental car
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
You dorks stole a SEDAN?
gellaho
Their dad's rental sedan
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
ahhahahhhah
GDC
They're reliable and fuel efficient!
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Oh of course, the Hady boys are so virtuous the only car they steal is their own
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Well at least that valet got a Joejob.
FancyShark
aka "concussion"
gellaho
Frank's paranoia catches up with him
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Joe squeezes too hard,
FancyShark
Joe drives like he's from Indiana
gellaho
"Are we being haunted by our van?"
FancyShark
I mean Frank
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"You know, the van we have packed full of surveillance equipment and hamburger wrappers?"
FancyShark
They find out their van missed them and drove all the way to Hawaii to reunite with them
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
HARDY BOYS X CARS CROSSOVER EVENT
gellaho
Diamond Head is nobody's favorite Bond henchman
gellaho
A Brendan for Christmas
HELL YEAH LUV MAH CARDY BOYZ
FancyShark
It's an entire park of snakes
gellaho
Yes, the most intimidating thing is the windbreaker
FancyShark
Windbreakers are terrifying. They don't breathe well at all!
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"so, you live to diamond another day"
A Brendan for Christmas
Hardiors, come out and pulaauuuuuuu
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"Hardy Boys Meets Hawaii 5-0"
gellaho
Joe's confident in his ability to outrun a gun
A Brendan for Christmas
Joe's Hawaiian shirt was patterned in sporks
FancyShark
It's not like one of them might have a rifle that can hit someone out in the ocean
gellaho
This cave might be something
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
to be fair, you dont have to out run a bullet, you just have to outrun the person youre with.
gellaho
Their most terrible foe: Pete
A Brendan for Christmas
This volcano's been extinct for ages. That's JUST what I'm counting on to burn the ropes off my wrists SAFELY!
ehhh close enough
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
What is it whith dudes named Pete always being shady?
FancyShark
These goons are trying way to hard to find a good spot for a quickie
A Brendan for Christmas
Sneaky
gellaho
Joe grasps his rod
GDC
The rod crumbles to dust in his hands.
gellaho
Frank batmans
rooster
all I can think of is that Hard Ticket to Hawaii movie they watched on Best of the Worst
gellaho
Frank executes his brilliant plan: falling
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
That movie kind of rules.
gellaho
Joe breaks the dude's arm
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Joe bravely ambushes a guy in the dark with a pipe.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
You played yourself, Joe. Should've let that guy kill your brother
Hm I didn't put enough seasoning on these eggs but I don't want to get up again. Tragedy. Anyway
gellaho
FBI agents often try to cave in teens heads with rocks
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Haha ok what the fuck ever, officer
FancyShark
The Hardys immediately beat the Fed with the pipe until he stops moving
gellaho
These are some great intelligence agents
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Hahahahh typical fed.
A Brendan for Christmas
Hardy Boys: too junior to be small-town cops, too experienced to be novice The Agency.
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"Goddammit we were this close to burning those kids alive again, you are going to get sent back to the ATF if you keep this one up, Pete."
gellaho
We often hire Massachusetts PIs for investigations in Hawaii
gellaho
gellaho
Or wherever Bayport is supposed to be
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"so naturally we fucked up and started stalking two children who look like him"
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
New England adjacent surely?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"also now I think of it, we were told he'd brought his sons along. I'm sorry boys we really fucked the dog on this one"
A Brendan for Christmas
Connecticut, I think. But I aways want it to be Long Islnd.
gellaho
"We've solved international terrorist conspiracies, how do you not know who we are?"
A Brendan for Christmas
They can use a man with your skills there.
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Frank, you know you could just ask them for their ID, right?
gellaho
They followed them because he stole his car, fyi
GDC
Pretty sure these guys have been at one of Fenton's key parties, Frank.
gellaho
"I haven't seen you in two whole days"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Don't start getting reasonable on us, book, that's no fun
FancyShark
Fenton "I'm sure they're fine" Hardy
gellaho
So exotic
FancyShark
Kevin is being targeted by his brother Eric
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Fenton "Frank and Joe who?" Hardy
GDC
She looked especially Asiatic under the hotel lights.
FancyShark
She looks so exotic with a shirt
gellaho
Surf gambling
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Her hair was long as the years the silk trade dominated these waters
FancyShark
Frank, illegal gambling implies large enough crowds interested in the sport
gellaho
"I'm not involved in the surf mafia," added Kevin quickly
gellaho
"I am not involved with the surf mafia! Or the IRA!" added Kevin
gellaho
So much gambling on this tournament with a couple thousand dollars as a prize
FancyShark
This is all a smokescreen to divert attention from the true prize: a grilled pineapple
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
If only there were some federal agents we could raise this issue to?
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
hahahahah the idea that organized crime isnt a serious presence on Hawaii.
GDC
Kevin does the smart thing and doesn't talk to cops.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
But no, the surf mafia probably goes all the way to the top
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
How does Hawaii get drugs if they dont have that much organized crime, Hardys?
gellaho
Fenton flies them off to Maui, where they are beset by a third vehicle
FancyShark
Maximum Overdrive just can't get started
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
You know someone is after you and took a route next to a cliff?
gellaho
Skiddedededed
FancyShark
Instinctively, with no hot Asian women to grab, Joe slammed on the brakes.
gellaho
Joe decides a head on collision is the only solution
A Brendan for Christmas
On the island they call it a game of yardbird
FancyShark
Joe doesn't swerve, even when the opponent is a wall
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Joe lies awake at night, wondering what it would be like to die
gellaho
Frank and Jade are very stupid
gellaho
Very, very stupid
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"you mortals squander the one gift you were given," Joe said
FancyShark
Joe is taking every opportunity to grab Jade's hair
A Brendan for Christmas
This book's really leaning into the car chases.
gellaho
Frank phones up the FBI using a number Fenton gave him.
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"Its soft and smells like sea salt, get off my back." - Joe Hardy.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I technically called this would be about gambling debts earlier, with the slight caveat that I said the wave was the shooter
FancyShark
hahaha
I hope this pulls a Hot Fuzz and every clue is wrong
A Brendan for Christmas
The sick sonofabitch bet on his girlfriend and student to win.
Just when you thought this job had hardened you against the world.
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
lol too addicted to gambling to bet on the better surfer, too much of a wife guy to not ensure his girl doesnt take first.
gellaho
Then they go parasailing
They are then accosted by their four vehicle
FancyShark
At this point, maybe check if you pissed off any Decepticons
gellaho
Their plan appears to be stealing the parasail and leaving with her
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"hey jade enjoy those restraints none of us know how to undo, ok I'm gonna fly you out over the ocean now while your assassins pursue us"
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Hey maybe..........maybe Jade should just skip the surf competition?
gellaho
Joe goes up with her
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Like...........is it that big a deal to her?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
She got kidnapped easier than Princess Peach
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Hopefully for different reasons than Peach.
gellaho
The bad guys haven't really given her that option
A Brendan for Christmas
What if I told you Peach and Koopa were in love, and Toad is a good friend who keeps trying to give Mario hints she's NOT HOME.
FancyShark
Joe, at some point grabbing this girl every time there's a crisis is going to come off creepy
A Brendan for Christmas
Pushy Brooklynite guidos who can't believe a woman would love anyone else are still a thing.
gellaho
They're just taking every opportunity to try complicated murder, even when she goes to a different island
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
Joe simply craves the sweet embrace of death, its not his fault these assholes keep missing.
gellaho
As Simon Hawke has said, they make great gifts
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
gellaho
They cut the line and soar towards a small island
gellaho
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"NO WRONG POCKET THAT IS NOT A KNIFE! ITS A NATURAL RESPONSE IN STRESSFUL SITUATIONS!"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Joe now has a fetish that is going to be almost impossible to replicate
gellaho
They had a pistol
Space Magic Flippant Sausage
"I say we drown this asshole and get sandwiches. WHOS WITH ME?!"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This guy has mild curiosity about a mid-air armed kidnapping
gellaho
They just invent jetskis in 1990 or something
FancyShark
So far, none of this couldn't have been written in the 1950s
gellaho
Frank scores a free jetski
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Frank, did you have jetski money in your pocket?
If so, why? And if, more likely, not, why even adk?
FancyShark
This guy must have Hero In A Hurry insurance
GDC
They have an emergency jet ski?
gellaho
Perfect camouflage
GDC
Classic blunder getting on a jet ski without a grappling hook.