#81 The Hardy Boys
The Book Cage: Episode 139
The Hardy Boys #81: The Demon's Den
It's still haunts and frights season, but we have unfortunately done all the spookiest casefiles. The good news is that there's 100 years of Hardy Boys to choose from. This time, the boys are up against a mad scientist and his gaggle of hooded men deep in the scariest of all: Canada. How will the boys escape and not be turned into guinea pigs for human experimentation? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
This is so close to The Final Sacrifice. I hope Chet is Rowsdower.
oh shit he pissed off the reverse klan
gonna get lunched for being whitey
The reverse clan puts upside-down crosses in people's yards and soaks them with ice water
They also repair any damage to minority churches.
They're still dicks about it, but they don't understand why people aren't afraid of them
In a little under an hour we'll be reading The Hardy Boys #81: The Demon's Den. These don't come with previews, so instead enjoy the table of contents
I love how basic some of these chapter names are
It's adorable
The embarrassing contest is a blunt object collision contest between Joe and a sickly child
Bunyans and Bunions is them meeting the ghost of Paul Bunyan who really wants to touch their feet
A Dark Ride is them going to a dimly lit sex club
A Tale of Supermen is Chet's family history
BOOK
BOOK
oop
CAGE
CAGE
Hi @FancyShark !
Hi, @Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time !
I'm stuck in a meeting! Someone send help!
I'm morbidly curious to see what this book is about
Time to begin the process
Hi, @Slampire, Voted Nonexistent !
Hi, @gellaho !
Save us, Fish Faced Frank and Fourth Wall Joe!
If Paul Bunyan's ghost isn't really aggressive about sniffing their toes then that chapter title was false advertising
Also those faces lead me to believe that the Hardy Boys are just the Trump Boys without shitty facial hair
Ya'll ready for the greatest opening sentence in all of literature?
Please
"Joe they're going to kill us!"
Joe, lost in thought, thinking about how he'd never have to pay off his mortgage if he died, "huh, yeah, right."
Perfection
Except the Hardys aren't the worst
Adorable
It can't be that hard to find, sounds pretty loud.
Hi, @GDC !
Joe and/or Frank looks like a local politician embroiled in a sex scandal.
Chet up to his fat tricks again
The way they're painted makes them phenomenally greasy
Chet cheats death even more than the Hardys
I feel like that is a legitimate question
Grabbed the ol' gunwale, if you know what I'm sayin
The one on the left is the politician, the one on the right looks like a mug shot after killing a family drunk driving.
That lost, confused look really sells the grief
Getting up to some nautical rubbernecking
Generally if you're fucking around on a speedboat you want to avoid cops
Obviously this means that these two fuckwits need to go investigate
Boat police!
Good old Camp Ketchup
Look, when you're driving a speedboat, stay away from the police because more than likely you are drunker than you have ever been
So again why do these two want to get involved
Don't you fucking tell me how to rule the waves motherfucker I've only had a few let's go say hi to the boat police
Get away from the hot streets and dangerous nights of Bayport
Chet is going to marry that fish.
In a few chapters they're gonna find out that Chet drowned trying to stick his dick in Old Sam
Frank, Joe, Biff and Chet are the crew of... The Hunk Boat
A worthy death
The mystery of the boy invasion
Hi @Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Damn
Hi @Tom, Boy Detective (Retired) !
Noodling is for catfish, not bass
She's going to turn out to be a mermaid and he's going to rule the oceans
Hi, @Tom, Boy Detective (Retired) !
Hi, @Dyosy !
Hence why he failed
"we thought next winter we'd go solve some crimes together. Can you imagine it? The four of us? Finding clues? Naked?"
Young boy swarms are real bad this time of year
"We've done this eighty times in this general, I feel like you should have heard of us"
"we're the most annoying guys you're gonna meet all day."
"Hide your food"
"we're here to contaminate your crime scene, officer"
"I'm gonna lick every object in this room to find the killer."
"They've also solved far more crimes than their father, don't know how you haven't heard of them"
The younger ones survived forty gunshots
Sleuthing is in their blood
We're not entirely sure what else is in their blood
Mostly bone fragments
Very funny to me that the mainline Hardy Boys are written in the vernacular of 70 year old men
They have an incredibly high midi-crime-ian count
But too old to begin training are they
In this context, kidded means they've given birth to a lot of goats.
Widdle Sergeant Biddle
Look, sleuthing can be a lonely job and sometimes you get sick of your brother's cock
Sergeant Biddle is three apples tall
"bestow upon you the title of Boy Detectives, the cop council does"
The biggest mystery they would ever tackle
My new thing is the Hardys are Anakin and all the cops are yoda. I'm not dropping it
"They dragged most of his body out of a drainpipe downriver three hours ago."
"Well shucks sir, looks like we've gotta go interrogate some wolves.
Larry Smith wielding his camp director broadsword and viking helmet
"George was big for his age, so the bears are eating good."
Haha they just bring the Hardys straight into an interview
Look, why can't they just give the man a longboat and a broadsword and have him go avenge the fallen?
Larry "That's Definitely My Real Name" Smith
Larry finished his mead and winded his horn.
Can't imagine why he'd be displeased
Larry "Don't Ask What I Did in Denmark" Smith
The abandoned barn at Needle Point Cove is world famous, everyone knows it.
You know how they put barns on the shoreline? Cattle love the beaches
Maybe they were raising sea cows
"Sir, we just got here."
"You don't suspect anyone of scaring people away from that barn to get the precious dubloons buried underneath the floorboards, do you?"
Let's throw a huge wrench in the plot
Fucking got whiplash from that
A cult called Apocalypse is "a bunch of harmless crazies"
They are the most metal of cults
I wonder how much insurance money you could get for burning down an abandoned barn.
So they are well aware of the existence of this cult and have done fuck all about it
Despite their proximity to a campground of children
I have half a mind to get in my longboat and raid the place myself!
Apocalypse is actually just a metal band using the barn as a practice space
Look, just give the man a raiding party and he'll handle it
Haha "ok boys, don't camp too close to the doomsday cult or their chanting will keep you up all night," Larry must have said at some point
Man, can you imagine allowing a religion that was obsessed with the apocalypse to take root in a community?
He hasn't tasted blood since 1960, he's due for a killing
Ok Doomer
That was the term that stood out the most if I'm honest
Larry, you can't kill the cult. If you do, there'll be no one for the camp to compete against in this year's Camp Olympics
What, you didn't want to visit the deathcult Ken? Wimpy
You don't want to get strung upside down and bled like a hog? You chicken
Baby probably doesn't even know the spider marks the spot for the dagger
I'm gonna get turned into a cape and you're gonna be here alone you loser
Seems like that shouldn't be up to him. Officer Henderson? Anything to say? No? Alright.
My sympathy for this Aryan camp director has run dry
Look, the waiver was extensive
"George's dissertation is on the spontaneous formation of religious ritual, so I guess he figured this was too good an opportunity to pass up"
"frankly I found his work highly derivative"
A fun adventure
This book moves
We're on the first chapter still right?
Thus began Waco 2
It sure is, Joe
Oh Joe
"Jeepers!"
The dorky fantasy art is very spooky
"Zoinks!"
This rules
I love the goblin
That goblin is perfect
It's just Hieronymus Bosch, you uncultured swine.
Whoa, need some Monsters-Be-Gond spray for those beasties
This is some nerd's D&D shack and they are going to be so crushed when they see cops burn it down
what's up, buttercup?
"Oh look here's George on the wall screaming!"
HELLO, @A Brendan for Christmas !
Little on the nose with the logo
I was gonna say they're about to find a d20 on that altar
The Hardys are at summer camp with Chet! A boy disappeared checking out the spooky abandoned barn run by a doomsday cult called Apocalypse
Was an upside down crucifix in flames too subtle?
The kidnapping is like so weird, dude
It better be a head
Dammit
Larry's gone full berserker.
"Let's not jump to conclusions, Larry. All we know right now is George is missing and nude."
So we're gonna spend half the book suspicious of this cult until the leader says "no boys, we're SCARED of the world ending. We're not that different, you see" etc etc barf barf
George is 6'6"
I told you the bears were eating good.
Well, almost
The author of this crazy bullshit just loves throwing wrenches don't they
Seems like he can take care of himself.
Be on the lookout for a Shaq-sized child, shirtless and covered in blood
The cops are told to look for any naked 12-year-olds that could start for the Raiders
Got it
George has been going through a crazy growth spurt ever since that German scientist gave him the super soldier serum
Chet is off his meds
Really laying it on thick here huh
"religions that aren't mine are scary," everyone said for 180 pages
Chet shuddered because he'd already butchered three death cults that week and the screams wouldn't leave his thoughts
Chet's hands are soaked red with the blood of evil men
George has been adopted by a family of bigfeet, who mistook him for one of their own.
the phrase "That escalated quickly" gets so overused but...
Joe demands the camp director kiss his feet
I can't believe another innocent George has been hurt
To truly start for the raiders you need to also have eaten the ergot.
This is before Joe got Ritalin
No such thing as an innocent George.
That's what happens when you're too curious
Hi, @Verified Pervert FlippantSausage !
The Boy, George ran off and joined a culture club.
Chet has already lost interest
Chet's such a hero
Whatever, I've got fish to seduce.
If Chet cant fuck it or eat it, in that order, he doesnt care.
Chet shrugs. He figures he can sharpen the axe enough to do the job once his buds are off having fun. But he's not looking forward to the crunch the cult skulls make.
Just hold on to your dick
Chet is going to dominate that fish
Then seduce it
Ok so Chet finally catches Old Sam and discovers it's George, who was secretly a werefish the whole time
Another mystery solved
Soon there will be a population of Sea Chets in that lake
I don't know where you got the impression Chet likes to eat. I I've seen no evidence of tha-
Why do you hang out with them, Chet?
"Fish is practically a vegetable," Chet probably said
Pity
Chet gets lonely
Speaking as a fat guy, I would fucking burn their house down if they were this consistently shitty
Or at the very least tell their dad I saw them touching each other in the woodshed
He wants at least one non-family relationship that isn't sexual
George just has a fin in his back. He's one of them mutants
I mean he doesnt want to fuck the Hardys. He probably plans to eat them.
So this cult uses spears
Good to know
Why would a fuckin hole in the ground be of interest right now, Frank?
I wonder how the heavily armed police might handle this situation? I guess we'll never know
Frank likes to make note of every place a body can be stored
Never know when you're gonna need a hole in the ground
That is not a position in football, ghostwriter
"It will take some expansion but its a good start."
Are you British, ghostwriter? And too stupid to know anything about America?
Maybe his dad is a pro netballer?
Their mascot is a lighthouse keeper
Are you Scarrow, ghost writer?
I feel like the ghostwriter may have been living in an attic for a decade and forgotten about human sports
Maybe he plays lacrosse?
Hahahhahaha imagine bragging that your dad played for a team from Boston, and it cant mention the Patriots because you get sued.
The American Football team of New Cambridge scored after 15 rucks today for the game's loan goal win, advancing 27 metres in a horrid scrum.
He would have been 18 at the time, so probably not. But maybe
In the year this book was written, it was probably more realistic to brag about being on a fictional Other Massachusetts team.
Maybe he plays that medieval european soccer where you just bash the other team in the head and only one guy can actually touch the ball
I think that's called squash
The ghost writer is remembering one of the pre-integration teams from his youth.
"Ah, the good ol' days"
In 1984, they were a ways off from Belichick and Brady yeah
I'm onto you, ghostwriter. With your soccer positions for football. You're on notice
Especially when you immediately say football again
And give him a baseball nickname from like the 30s
So what I'm gathering is that his father is an 8 foot tall spider
He calls him Daddy Longlegs
Probably should have asked what George's last name was at some point.
On the way back to the camp, they are accosted by the Zodiac
So the book ends here with them getting impaled with a spear right?
Oh hey Ted Cruz is in this one?
That's just an unrelated serial killer targeting the camp counsellors.
Oh, you think so Frank?
You know Larry's crooked when a summer camp has it's own Deep Throat.
Frank and Joe tackle some kid in a snuggie and ruin a larp.
Oh, the man covering his face didn't sign the threatening note? Surprising.
Beelzebub joins the Hardys on their quest
Just a sinister note inviting you to sewing clubs.
I like how the cult knows who they are, but not the police
They crochet metal because they're tough
Hey instead of old sam, Chet's gonna catch a red herring
Get it
Definitely a Zodiac.
I hope they're hand drawing the symbol every time
related: that movie was terrifying.
Just take five minutes to doodle at the end of every threatening note
Using trousers, ghostwriter? I'M ONTO YOU
Excuse me, Ghostwriter but no American has worn trousers since 1800.
Haha I love how quick you guys can spot a Brit from the slightest error in sports terms
We dont trouse.
It's like the German 3 fingers thing
I think the beefy lady can handle it, Frank
Hell yeah we stan a tall and strong woods queen.
Even if she gives birth to a son named Wilbur who REALLY wants to have the Harvard library staff let him read the Necronomicon.
What, does Biff play goalie, ghostwriter?
Best way to work on your field goal throw
The ghostwriter will only describe characters in terms of beefiness and hair
Biff plays Puncher for the Pittsburgh Daschounds
Wilbur Watley, Boy Sorcerer, by Stan Lee and HP Lovecraft.
Do NOT ask his familiar's name
So they're the best writer, is what you're saying?
I understood that reference, regrettably.
But not for THAT reason, its because speaking it aloud calls it forth from the Outer Dark.
Can't tell the mother we have information about her son's whereabouts but we'll tell this idiot we know, and guess his dad was listening?
Indeed, the single worst description of a sport as found in a different Hardy Boys book
Hell yeah, more footballs should have bombs in them.
Keep the players guessing.
Bring back Mutant League
Every part of "pass receiver running for a field goal" is wrong
It's quite the accomplishment
Anyway, the ghostwriter continues to use words like "skiff"
Sergeant Yankton
I'll take your word for it