GDC
Candir Karu sounds like a tropical fish.
139: The Hardy Boys #81: The Demon's Den Franklin W. Dixon
#81 The Hardy Boys
Tags:
They may never leave it alive...
Archive
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
This is why you grow a thick and bushy mustache, to throw the boy detectives off the scent.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Specifically, the one that swims up urine streams to do terrible things to the urethra
gellaho
BROTHER, WE MUST PAUSE OUR CONSUMPTION
gellaho
NO, I WILL CONSUME IN ONE BITE
FancyShark
"GET THE SWARTHY MAN!" screamed our hero
gellaho
This drawing makes me a little uncomfortable
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Yeah I don't like this one
GDC
Halifax was a real dump in the 80s
gellaho
Not just because Joe has elephantiasis of the head
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Haha the Hardys wear the same shirt. Fuckin nerds. Did your parents dress you?
FancyShark
I know he's a drawing, but that guy still looks like a character actor from the 1950s
gellaho
Something wrong with both these heads
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
He's very 50s mafia
We got a wise guy here
gellaho
The boys haven't learned to steal Fenton's credit card yet
gellaho
Holding a knife to his spine
gellaho
Holding a knife to his spine?
FancyShark
The spine is in the elbow
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hey illustrator. You suck.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Lots of things are spines if you think about it
What is the elbow if not the spine of the arm
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
You can barely see that knife.
FancyShark
Good detail on the pin-stripe suit tho
gellaho
Saying "foreigner" quite a bit, ghostwriter
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
Especially considering they're all foreigners
Anyway he let's them go because they say they're visiting their grandma
FancyShark
Can't help noticing the illustration failed to include his mustache
gellaho
One more
gellaho
It's so thin as to be invisible
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Get a different writer for that line, Joe?
FancyShark
Joe loses sight of him and immediately blows their cover
gellaho
The CIA give them a lobster boat for whatever reason
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"Egads! Our wondrous plan is foiled in its infancy!"
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Hurray, a new skiff!
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Brand new no less.
gellaho
They lose him in a small fishing village, because it's two hundred years in the past now
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
It's called a lobster boat because it's actually a giant lobster
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Frank and Joe are taking Stinger missiles out of the mouths of brave mujahideen with this boat.
gellaho
You see any brown people?
gellaho
They are called back by the lobster boat captain, who is talking like he doesn't fully grasp English himself
FancyShark
That clever bastard, going a different direction than them
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Sounds like the invisible hand of the free market has selected in favour of test-tube Soviet Supermen 🤷♂️
gellaho
Oh, the water goes both ways in the north? Satan must be near
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Hey Joe, remember that dumb shit the cultists told us earlier?
No Frank I don't
gellaho
Takes the boys a little while to put that together
gellaho
I knew Satan was Canadian
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
The Witch King of Angmar, the one they say no living man can kill
You met him. He stabbed Joe Hardy on Weathertop
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Imagine, the cultists knew all this shit already and could have just said so.
gellaho
Took a lot of convincing
gellaho
Fenton shows up with his master of disguise kit
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Anyway it's lord of the rings now. The river is gonna start flowing uphill and wash the ring wraiths away
"Give up the Hardys, she-elf"
FancyShark
"Dad, these kits are just hats"
"You're welcome."
gellaho
I appreciate this book taking a stance of genetic supremacy for giants
FancyShark
"If you want them, come and claim them!"
"Chet, what the fuck"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
(starts muttering in French-Canadian, summons the lumberjack spirits of the river)
gellaho
I can't imagine someone with a name ending in Dolph would be engaged in such a thing
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Yeah it seems wildly improbable
FancyShark
"Giant! Pick me up so I can be tall!"
gellaho
What a phrase
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"All French-Canada is emptied. Ten thousand strong at least"
gellaho
That Satan's a real piece of work, let me tell you
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Fenton fucking noping out of the plot
Can't say I blame him
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Actually Fenton I wouldnt believe the stories you got from an apocalyptic sect your sons met in the woods.
gellaho
Great Canadian disguises
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Not saying anyone is a good guy but just take that shit with a grain of salt, yeah?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Oh no wait I get it now. Fenton leaves but he tells the boy detectives to look for his coming on first light of the fifth day.
At dawn... Look to the east
gellaho
Or, Scottish disguises
gellaho
I guess
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
What business does a Scot, an Irish and a French Canadian have in the Riddermark?
gellaho
And it's the 1920s
gellaho
gellaho
They not have a minimum wage in Canada in the 80s?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Frank. Joe. You're just looking for a reason to use an accent at this point.
FancyShark
Where the hell is Zap Rowsdower
gellaho
They mention Paul Bunyan, and a hush comes over the crowd
gellaho
gellaho
This is not the plot I expected from this cover
gellaho
The fuck is happening
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I dunno, I think I saw it on the Simpsons?"
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Did we just find a god damn Bunyan cult?
gellaho
I am very intrigued by this illustration
FancyShark
Shake hands with danger
gellaho
The Hardy Boys appear to be committing truck suicide
Exclamation points!
gellaho
Super special wig pins
gellaho
The lumbercamp's French cook saw this, and tells them about a Mr Bunyan
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Remember when this was about satanic death cults?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Vaguely.
I guess when you think about it Paul Bunyan IS kind of Satanic.
gellaho
Paul Bunyan, Jr
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
He does have that ox.
gellaho
It was for about ten pages
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
That was exciting
Then it was about trains
then more trains
and now the great mystery of Canada
gellaho
The satanic son of Bunyan
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
What a journey
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
It all makes sense, Paul Bunyan is so big because hes a Nephilim, the half Angel son of the Devil himself.
gellaho
Yum, pocket cheese
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
I hope its the kind of cheese with a wax rind or theyre going to be eating more lint than they want.
FancyShark
They're immediately beset by ducks, raccoons and bears
gellaho
They decide to take a nap in the woods and are attacked by lumberjacks
FancyShark
Different kind of bear, but sure
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
the minions of the lord of the woods, The Devil!
gellaho
Do you want to play a game?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Is it Pong?"
gellaho
And now, the ghostwriter steals from Goldfinger
FancyShark
"I hope it's Pong."
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"HEY FRANK! THIS GUY HAS ATARI!"
"Aw man he only has the ET game."
FancyShark
He's tracked A wild animal and it was a squirrel in a nearby tree
gellaho
They make the boys log roll
gellaho
When that doesn't work, he goes straight to cutting Frank in twain with a saw
FancyShark
Dyosy
I cannot say I expected a French-Canadian Lumberjack Lynch Mob.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Typical Canadian, always have to do the old "Saw them in half" chestnut.
gellaho
There be one friendly Canadian
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This is truly odd
gellaho
Then all the other lumberjacks recuse themselves from the teen murder
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Oh and somehow this is connected to Quebecs independance movement. Make sure you write that down."
gellaho
Joe escapes and Lafoote makes a very strange noise
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"the key to French Canadian independence is hidden in this boy detective's stomach. How far are you willing to go for your beliefs?"
FancyShark
Joe begins punching Lafoote. "Doormpple!" Lafoote screams. "Klooooorrrggggiiiiin!"
gellaho
Good grief, Charlie Brown
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
I just for a second thought it said Joe cut off Franks foot with an axe.
gellaho
Doormple was one of Game Freak's worse Pokémon ideas
FancyShark
Bug/grass type has too many weaknesses, dammit!
gellaho
Bullies is a little mild
FancyShark
Typical bullies, trying to murder in cold blood
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
To be fair, every 80s movie had bullies like this.
Dyosy
Stephen King bullies
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
The only thing missing is LaFoote didnt do this to impress his girlfriend.
gellaho
The lumberjacks then leave, except for one
They beat the shit out of him
gellaho
gellaho
The is an immensely strange book
gellaho
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hey given how LaFoote couldnt do that if you didnt help him, and you ALL didnt help him cut Frank and Joe into Teen Boards, you could have stopped this a lot sooner my guy.
gellaho
Then the boys threaten to cut this kid in half
FancyShark
Do it
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Okay ill talk. Paul Bunyan is a myth, its all just a meth ring."
gellaho
There's the title
FancyShark
"Babe the Blue Ox is the purest shit you'll ever smoke"
FancyShark
They said the thing!
gellaho
Gotta get to book #80 in the spin off for that
FancyShark
Worth it
gellaho
Still the craziest thing to happen in any of these books
Just a woman getting cut in half. Wild stuff
Intriguing
FancyShark
You have our attention, book
gellaho
What is happening
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
That line from Joe can only be read in the voice of a Nazi officer
gellaho
Whee
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
The Hardy Boys are pulling a Mountain Monsters
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Im going to lose my goddam mind if Paul Bunyan is canonically real in the Hardy Boys universe.
gellaho
Don't appreciate this giant bigotry, Frank
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This is gonna beso disappointing when we reveal that the whole giant thing is faked for some reason
gellaho
The tallest man was only ever 8' 11", Frank
Have I got news for you, Joe! But, you'll have to wait for your girlfriend to explode first
gellaho
Then you'll learn all about cloning from the Lazarus Clinic
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Maybe this will end with the Camarilla killing the Hardys in order to protect the Masquerade
gellaho
I mean, I was taller than that
gellaho
Weak sauce giants, Hardy Boys
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I'm 3 years old!" The 6 foot boy said proudly
gellaho
He just really loves planes
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
What?
gellaho
Then they attack the child
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
YES
FancyShark
BEAT! THAT! CHILD!
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
BEAT HIM
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Didn't we just establish he's not oversized
gellaho
A profoundly strange illustration
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
BEAT THE BOY WHO DID NOTHING
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
The Hardys look so sad
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
GIVE HIM TRAUMA
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
They take no joy in slaying this giant
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
They know this is fucked up
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
YEAH FUCK HIM UP AND RUIN DOGS FOR HIM!
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
But slay him they must
gellaho
Oh, he's fighting them? Weird
FancyShark
This boy would grow up to be George Swell
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I notice one of them has changed shirts from when they were attacked by the foreigner
But one still has the plaid shirt on
Basic hygiene Hardys
gellaho
Extra-large boys
FancyShark
hahaha
They're beating up a themed gang
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hey Frank? Grabbing someone and wrestling them down doesnt say "We arent going to hurt you."
FancyShark
This is Streets of Rage
Dyosy
Or the Warriors
gellaho
You need to add some more extras if you want to get to giant though
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
They're fucked when Sigma joins the fight
FancyShark
When Ligma and Sugma show up, it's over
gellaho
This is a weird book
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
THE MASTER
FancyShark
Frank! It's another robot boy! You're not alone!
DESTROY HIM!
gellaho
Very weird
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Immense! Why, he must be six feet tall!
Strong as a large dog!
gellaho
The boys desperately want to know about the Hardy Boys local football games
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This sucks
Shut up, Joe
gellaho
They're as tall as one tall man
FancyShark
Save these Canadians with the power of American football, Joe
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I've got it! They're made from boy dna! That means they can be distracted by baseball and peeing with the seat up!"
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Okay im sorry but theres no way anyone cares about the local high school football team who doesnt go to the local high school or has a kid in one.
gellaho
The pull of six flags is strong
gellaho
It's better than their weird version
The CFL has 8 teams, and for the longest time two of them were called the roughriders
FancyShark
lol
gellaho
gellaho
The book has decided to go straight to emotional territory
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Ok so these are just normal tall boys who were kidnapped and brainwashed, right? That's why they wanted George
Like all the genetic manipulation or Paul Bunyan stuff is fake
gellaho
Gasp! Beakers!
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
For some reason
gellaho
Aw, just a old man
gellaho
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I mean we don't get it, but the government probably does."
gellaho
Anyway, off to Greenland
FancyShark
KILL THE OLD MAN
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
BEAT THE LIFE OUT OF HIM
STOMP ON HIS ELDERLY FEMUR
gellaho
Which the ghostwriter doesn't know belongs to the Denmark
FancyShark
HIS BONES ARE BRITTLE
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
BRITTLE AND DELICIOUS
FancyShark
THEY ARE FILLED WITH TIME
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Also Greenland has trolls, they dont get along with giants.
gellaho
He's going to syringe them
FancyShark
This is creepier than the writer might've actually intended
gellaho
And, they're dead
gellaho
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
To be fair tho, old man, they dont have to put you in jail for very long to make it forever for you.
FancyShark
Frank, lacking blood and internal organs, will be fine
gellaho
Tarp, ghostwriter. We call it a tarp
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Also you were absolutely going to the gulag after the Soviets recieved their Olympian supermen.
gellaho
It's such a weird book
gellaho
FancyShark
Joe's exercise was bashing his head against three different hard surfaces
gellaho
I wonder if this guy is still foreign
gellaho
He disappeared for about 60 pages
The Hardy Boys play snake
FancyShark
"The soaring vistas of Halifax cannot hide you now, Hardys"
gellaho
Hey, ghostwriter? No. Don't do that
FancyShark
They remembered their boat before their friends
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Weird
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
And their yellow sports sedan.
gellaho
Weird the police didn't know who you were earlier
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
And their mother's trait of being understanding ranked just under being hot in importance
FancyShark
"Why did you give your case a flashy name?"
gellaho
The ghostwriters randomly referring to the titles of books in the text will always throw me off
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
What the hell
gellaho
What, ate you adopting these fake giants?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Do the Hardies know that case was called Sky Sabotage?
gellaho
Are you fucking serious, ghostwriter
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I wish I could be a boy detective like you!"
"You can! Wait, how thick is your skull?"
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Fuck offfffffff Frank, are you implying that a man cant love his criminal science sons?
gellaho
Omega, who bizarrely seems like the first one and the leader, remembers his parents
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"You'll have foster parents though. That's more of a gamble."
gellaho
But the Hardys decide to not persue that... for reasons
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I'm too smart for this book
Dyosy
Why would detectives need to ask questions?
gellaho
Except, no, they actually do keep going with that
gellaho
The ghostwriter doesn't know that you can erase things
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"oh yeah, now that you say that I do remember having a life."
gellaho
Staying in this weirdly dark space for a while
