gellaho
A relative of Boo, I assume
139: The Hardy Boys #81: The Demon's Den Franklin W. Dixon
#81 The Hardy Boys
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They may never leave it alive...
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Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Weird of them, because there are lots of different types of boats that are skiffs
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I wouldn't want to have to let a camp director decide whether your family gets to be notified of your disappearance"
GDC
Especially one that brews his own mead.
FancyShark
have to run errand. Back in a bit. No one get captured by woodland cultists while I'm gone
gellaho
You're a real dickhead, Frank
gellaho
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Hey Frank, just imagine, when we're out there in the woods.....alone together.......it would be wild if something happened to you, and nobody would know. Except me."
gellaho
What?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"I think I need to go to Iosefka's clinic after getting the first two thirds of the umbilical cord, then Old Sam will spawn"
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
It's a rope attached to the front of a small boat
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Oh so its like the dick of the boat.
gellaho
Hey, ghostwriter, you're writing this for children. I don't think they're going to know this incredibly specific boating terminology
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
this one is for the rich kids I guess.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
They keep veering between specific and weirdly vague
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
They tied the boat to a tree
Done
gellaho
And a bush is strong enough to fasten to a boat?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Hire me, Hardy Boys estate
GDC
Jeb might be.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Possibly but there are so many types of skiff it's impossible to say
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I do know the feeling of never knowing how much detail to put into a scene
gellaho
Who knew meeting with the deathcult was a bad idea?
gellaho
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
WHAT
But they were going to be our new friends
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
You know what might have been a good idea meeting strange people alone in the woods? Bringing a gun.
A Brendan for Christmas
This is more cultists than i packed ammo for.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Oh from the thumbnail I thought it said "naked figure" not "cloaked figure"
Disappointing
gellaho
They were already doing that for free, buddy.
A Brendan for Christmas
We wish to know who shot JR before the world ends.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"You can't just get a gun," the author protested. "This isn't Americ-uh I mean what?"
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Yeah calling ourselves the Apocalypse Cult gives people the wrong idea, we are just a weird consensual sex cult, we dont kidnap people."
gellaho
You guys need a clearer vision for your cult
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
We're actually just a fantasy football league. We had different ideas on theming the clubhouse and it just all got away from us
GDC
This sounds like the kind of thing that ends with them all drinking poisoned flavor-aid.
gellaho
Fucking Canadians
A Brendan for Christmas
We are the active roster of the New York Liberty Torches
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"I can see you tho. Youre not invisible."
"No i mean like socially. Its a metaphor."
"A what?"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"thank you for finding the boy and clearing our names. But since we have to be secret, we'll need to cut off your tongues and hands now."
GDC
Signs and portents in the stars indicated the end of the world would start in Vermont.
gellaho
The fight against Satan is going very poorly if thirty of you are too afraid to take on one guy
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"we're just normal people. The men do business and the women do... What do women do again? Wives I guess '
gellaho
I bet it does
GDC
The kind of pitchfork you can get at Spirit Halloween.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"You know.......like a pitchfork. The common farm implement."
A Brendan for Christmas
Old MacDonald, you sick sonofa
Dyosy
Hold up. George is 6' tall. At night, wouldn't this just look like 2 grown men?
A Brendan for Christmas
He has the gait of an innocent.
gellaho
Sounds like you are going in the wrong direction then, Canadians
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
I knew the Giant of Kandahar was a Satanic foot soldier!
And that he was Canadian!
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Fuck yes let's burn down Treebeard
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Ugh there's gonna be some stupid shit that vaguely lines up with this poetic imagery
GDC
Probably a sewage pipe that occasionally backflows
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Oh look a giant statue of Paul Bunyan, do you think that's what the cultist meant? Etc etc barf barf
GDC
Or possibly the river is a metaphor for international commerce.
gellaho
The next day, Fenton decides to throw some more gasoline on the fire that is this plot
A Brendan for Christmas
How many genres is this book going to tackle.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hell yeah genetically engineered Government Woods Satan!
gellaho
Sure, sure. Now it's The Stand
GDC
Project SASQUATCH
Dyosy
This all seems like extremely classified information that shouldn't be shared with some random teenagers.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This is an unexpected turn
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
The Hardys are no ordinary teenagers
gellaho
Just have to reveal that the devil is Randall Flagg and we're good
This is not something Joe should know
A Brendan for Christmas
It's okay, their dad's a Fed so it's cool.
gellaho
This is all too smart for Joe
gellaho
How much could a camp possibly owe to the IRS
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Yeah Joe, you realize that bass can get real big and old and the Devil isnt real, right?
Slampire, Voted Nonexistent
Look, that solid gold in-ground swimming pool wasn't cheap alright
gellaho
But, nevermind that plot. It's time for a lumberjack contest
Slampire, Voted Nonexistent
…what exactly does one do at a lumberjack contest?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Theres a lot of events.
gellaho
Dyosy
They are rated on the 3 categories of 1. Flannel 2. Beard and 3. Axe
A Brendan for Christmas
This is every episode of The Simpsons that takes place outside of Springfield in one book.
gellaho
Oh, no! Where will they get ten whole dollars?
A Brendan for Christmas
Joe's going to white savior one of the whitest occupations: deforestation.
gellaho
Except it's the Chet and Biff show now
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hell yeah, Chet and Biff Adventures.
gellaho
Let's get these high schoolers in a room with a bunch of half naked sweaty men
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
George ran away to become a lumberjack
gellaho
This device used outdoors has dirt on it? Well, case closed
gellaho
Sounds like the contest is going to go well
A Brendan for Christmas
uh-oh, he thinks they're jumping his claim.
gellaho
Sorry, ghostwriter. No self-respecting American teen is going to respect a French-Canadian
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"all right lumberjacks, we've got a special prize this year... Evidence in an active missing person case! Smallest penis gets the prize! Go!"
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Sorry but no, the Quebecois do not have the "cunning and instinct of wolves" Frank.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
You'd think a Brit would be back on familiar ground with mocking a Frenchman
gellaho
Especially if his name is Pierre Lafoote
A Brendan for Christmas
Pierre LaFoote.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Up next, Pepe Le Pew!
A Brendan for Christmas
Sgt. Yankton
and me, Large George.
gellaho
I bet this is going to go well
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Haha that sounds so dangerous and these idiots have definitely never done it before
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"And its not gay if you dance ON A LOG!"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This might be even more embarrassing than the smallest penis contest I pitched
gellaho
They always put the illustrations before it's actually described in the book.
gellaho
Not sure that's the best practice
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Now we've got two missing boys to find
gellaho
Look at these men of the 80s
gellaho
That's the hat of a 1980s American right there
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
The 2nd hand embarrassment of this contest drove Robert Pattinson to leave and find work in a lighthouse
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
That hat is going riverboat gambling on the Missus Hip.
gellaho
Then they force the 17 year olds to do it repeatedly
gellaho
Then Pierre almost kills them with an axe
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
A bit of an escalation but still in the range of fun time hootenanny activities
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Whoops.
gellaho
You know how you can make an axe head fly off on cue?
GDC
Throwing the whole axe is a thing people pay to do
gellaho
Anyway, put that plot on pause. Off to the biological research institute
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I cannot guess how these threads are gonna come together
A Brendan for Christmas
Red...forehead?
gellaho
You know all the train travel people were doing in 1980s America
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Yeah Joe Biden said something about it.
gellaho
Not seeing any red flags here
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Haha it's rare in one of these scenes for the rube to say "you're playing God!" And the scientist to just say "yes."
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Hahahahha yeah, its awesome isnt it!?" is not the response you usually get.
Also you could shoot higher than genetically engineering Joe and Frank.
GDC
Joe's unusually thick cranium could be useful.
A Brendan for Christmas
This is the Venture handbook.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"the next generation of boy detective will have football helmets for skulls!"
GDC
Maybe they could engineer an explosion-proof girlfriend.
gellaho
What does the government know anyway, maaaaaaaaaaaan
gellaho
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"We redesigned the Frank line to have steel bones and spit acid."
GDC
NIH is only one letter off from NIMH
gellaho
As they're leaving, the scientist runs up with some vital information he forgot about. I wonder what it could be
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Also its REALLY adorable the ghostwriter thinks the government of......Canada? Could or would shut down dangerous biological research like this.
GDC
Mr. Rhee is only willing to be found by someone who solves a series of increasingly elaborate riddles.
'curious detail' is an Enid Blyton-ass turn of phrase.
gellaho
Canadian dollars!? Unfathomable!
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Goddam Canadians and their plastic money!"
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"NIH, bah humbug! With their 'we're concerned about a deadly outbreak!' waaaa waaaa waaa. National Institute of Harrumph, I call them. What were we talking about?"
GDC
Not with the exchange rate what it is.
gellaho
The scientists were working in America. Which makes the Canadian currency all the way the more dastardly
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Oh the US government definitely wouldnt care if a bio lab had a leak until it killed most of a town.
gellaho
Anyway, back to the lumberjack festival
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Well, regulating dangerous biological research might stifle small business!
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Again, the ghostwriter isnt as familiar with America as they could be, otherwise theyd have known we hate regulation more than dying.
We are the "Milk is supposed to squirm and kill babies, its the only way we can stay in business!" country, after all.
gellaho
In their yellow sedan, which in an alternate dimension, will soon be carbombed
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Sports sedan.
For when grandpa wants to get some action again.
gellaho
I guess they have those in Britain
Does Jaguar make a sedan?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
They call them something else tho.
Widgery wheelos or something.
gellaho
I wonder if he's going to the coat factory
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
That sounds more fake Australian than fake English
gellaho
Still going with the train thing
gellaho
Is he going to Quebec on a train, ghostwriter?
Such a coy ticketing agent
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Haha
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Hell yeah thrilling train action
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
That's a really clever loophole, buddy, well done
It's strictly against the rules for me to tell you if he bought a ticket for the only train
Maybe he just likes uncomfortable metal benches
gellaho
I feel like this would take a while. Also would guess there's not a train from burlington to montreal
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I'd love it if a pair of boy detectives ran into a train station behind me and asked the guy at the counter what ticket I'd bought
I'd probably put on a trenchcoat, buy a newspaper and start writing random notes and markings all over it while I look around suspiciously
gellaho
They call Fenton who reveals there's much more to the bacteria case, but Frank's got no time for that
gellaho
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
My brain hears "Burlington" and thinks "Oh the one in Iowa, I was born there."
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Maybe go into a watchmaker's shop and have a quiet conversation with the elderly but sharp-eyed proprieter
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
You ever feel like Fenton is having much more interesting books happening to him?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Haha, the Hardys tell everyone the fake bacteria story and accidentally set off a huge panic
International incident between Canada and the U.S., sanctions, banning research, Senate hearings
gellaho
Turns out they're going much further than Montreal
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
To the arctic sea!
gellaho
And they steal from Lafoote
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Fuckin Saskatoon.
Awful place.
gellaho
Why do these teens in 1984 know so much about trains
GDC
There's also a Burlington, Ontario, which actually does have train service to Montreal.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
That's what teens did in 1984. Sit around and talk about train facts.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Sligo Tressel sounds like a name for a comic book villain from a fictional European country
gellaho
Turns out Lafoote was internationally trafficking a boy
A Brendan for Christmas
Pierre LaFoote: Train foamer
GDC
The twist is that the body is just a ventriliquist dummy.
gellaho
I wouldn't exactly call him superman, but that's just me
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
It must be George? You didn't ask his parents fir a photograph? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GEORGE LOOKS LIKE. You Hardys suck.
gellaho
✅ Redhead
gellaho
GDC
Turns out slaps don't get drugs out of someone's system.
gellaho
They wander into somebody's shack
gellaho
gellaho
Where the encounter a naked old man, so that's fun
A Brendan for Christmas
How many prospectors are they going to trespass on in this book?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"We're sorry sir. Please take this boy as payment for our transgression."
gellaho
The naked old man invites them to get comfortable
gellaho
This old man tells them about Paul Bunyan
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
I mean if you just wander into an old mans shack, youre gonna see a dick and balls.
Theres no other reason to have a shack in the woods than to be nude.
gellaho
The old man says that he took care of Babe the blue ox
gellaho
FancyShark
And back. What is our cult body count?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Trains
FancyShark
Trains?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Trains.
gellaho
The old man claims there's a clan of giants in the north
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
The cult has vanished. It's all about a fake story of missing scientists or something now
gellaho
A French-Canadian trafficked George across the border
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Old man, you were born in what, 1920? 1910?
gellaho
And now there's a bunch of Bunyans
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Also I called it hours ago that the giant men from the cultist's message would be about Paul Bunyan
gellaho
In Canada, for some reason
FancyShark
Damnable Quebecois
Sure. Paul Bunyan. Famous Canadian folk hero
gellaho
Possibly
Dyosy
"No one will ever know you boys were here."
GDC
This guy is a Mountain Monsters witness.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Didn't they say this man works for the train station???
gellaho
So the deathcult is not involved
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
How do they contact him, do they just put a letter in his monthly wheelbarrow full of beans that he takes in lieu of pay?
FancyShark
The smile isn't what's exposing his remaining teeth. He holds up a bag.
gellaho
Fenton might be in a bind based on the chapter title
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Well. Awesome. Its great we solved the mystery of who is trafficking white boys into Canadian sex prisons.
gellaho
They send the twelve year old kidnap victim on his own back to America
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"You made it all the way to Canada, we're sure youll be fine on the return trip. Do you have any money? Can we borrow some?"
FancyShark
Sorry, George, but the game is Lafoote
gellaho
They make plans to survey an entire Canadian province
FancyShark
[glance to the right]
"Oh wait, there he is"
Dyosy
All of this easy train travel makes me jealous.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Time for more train action!
TRAINS!
TRAAAAAAIIIIIIINS was the alternate title for this book
gellaho
But then they call their Aunt Gertrude, who tells them to meet Fenton in Halifax, so I don't know why the ghostwriter wrote that
FancyShark
Page count to fill
gellaho
The Casefiles book with the football gaffe also involved trains and biological warfare
This one doesn't have a sexy female assassin that wants to fuck the high schoolers though
FancyShark
One star
A Brendan for Christmas
Why the hell not I mean uhhhh oh right right
I can make that joke because I was a high schooler once.
gellaho
Fenton making his sons do everything
gellaho
I'm very proud of you for knowing that, Joe
FancyShark
They also sell crack
For America
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
And guns!
FancyShark
For America
gellaho
Genetic engineering for unethical purposes? No way!
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
For America, TO America, potato potahto.
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
"guarding" the United States against "foreign" "espionage"
gellaho
So, Russia
gellaho
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Espionage means "Having socialist democracy and being fuctional."
FancyShark
Randolph Rhee, a clever alias of Randy Rand
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Its the USSR, Ghostwriter, come on.
gellaho
Was Simon & Schuster worried Russia might sue?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
We all know who it is.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Do you want to find out if Russia has lawyers?
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
They're gonna use genetic manipulation to make Canadian lumberjacks with 14 inch penises! They'll beat our boys at all the lumberjacking competitions! It'll be a huge blow to our country
FancyShark
They may have misunderstood what lumberjacking is
gellaho
This is book is just going to go everywhere, I guess
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Oh good, the Hardys are giving us their take on trans women in sports. This can't go poorly
A Brendan for Christmas
How many lives were lost to prevent cheating in a private sports enterprise masquerarding as national competition proxy?
FancyShark
"What about baseball?"
"Baseball is immune to this sort of manipulation."
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Yeah sure, Ghostwriter. The USSR could absolutely produce test tube supermen and would use it for...............winning the Olympics. Thats super important.
A Brendan for Christmas
Time for this bird to fly, Hardy Men.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure the CIA could tell the Canadian government anything and they'd ask "how high?"
gellaho
A Brendan for Christmas
(And Hardy WOMEN)
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
This is actually from the backstory of the Red Dwarf books. Brazil creates a geetically engineered soccer goalie who's body is just a 20 foot wide rectangle of flesh that fills the entire goal
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
No way would the USSR like........deploy brigades of superhumans to Afghanistan or something, its not like they were fighting a major war there until 1989.
FancyShark
Have a good night, @A Brendan for Christmas !
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Also you are allowed to do whatever you want on Canadian soil, just ask India.
FancyShark
Whichever country wins the Olympics gets to be America until the next tournament
gellaho
they did love spending resources they didn't have on ostentatious bullshit they probably shouldn't pursue
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
I guess there is legal precedent for this. If a dog can play basketball, a russian test tube super baby can compete in the Olympics
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Their test tube supermen would run on coal or something.
gellaho
The thin mustache of a villain
