#2 Kent Montana
The Book Cage: Episode 140
Kent Montana and the Reasonably Invisible Man
Hey, guess what? Fuck you! Kent Montana is back, and you know what that means! Terribly unfunny comedy, and just in time for Halloween, it's a spooky classic with the - ugh - reasonably invisible man. What strange racial stereotypes will be explored? What sad, lolrandom nerd humor from days gone by will appear? Will Lionel Fenn remind us that Star Trek is a show that existed? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Which one was Kent Montana?
The one with the alien that talked in 1950s sitcom soundbytes
Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars had like 80 characters who all had terrible bits
And one rad militia lady who didn't get enough time in the story
Maybe I missed that one
am I nuts or did the cover artist trace over bruce campbell
I'd have thought that was a Paperback Paradise book, but, like… there weren't jokes
Ugh. These books are so close to funny meta pastiche
and yet
SO DIVERGENT
Coming at the end of the work week (eastern), it's Kent Montana and the Reasonably Invisible Man. Here is your warning
Which is fucking nonsense. The fact they chose that to sell the book is a bad sign
Which probably also means I shouldn't have shared that to encourage people to join
It's fiiiiiiiiine
We can rewatch your excellent Dead of Night movie as a palette cleanser
Or palate cleanser
either one
When you said 'Warning,' I didn't think you meant it literally.
Right, it's only three hours long
Some wounds take longer to heal than others
I still flinch when I hear "Biking Through Time and Space"
I still get excited for the sequels
the multiple sequels
I don't know why that book is the one I keep thinking of when I think of the worst we've read. There are several that have been provably worse. But aside from Kent Montana and the cyberpunk author, I can't remember ever getting so angry at bad comedy in a book cage
You didn't enjoy the catmilf or the cuckoldry storyline?
Or when the authors favorite musician descended from the heavens to tell the author he was a pretty cool dude for liking music?
Was that the one that summarized the plot of the song Cat's In The Cradle?
I think the catmilf is what pushed me over the edge. It's bad enough the author thinks he's clever and funny. To brag about a sexual fantasy felt like watching a terrible standup routine and then going to the bathroom and the comic is using the urinal next to you and telling you about a sex dream he had
Yeah but listen the catmilf was on a bike
I'm listening
Everyone knows bikes are inherently funny
I mean can you imagine
Imagine a bike
It's pretty outrageous. Who would ever think of a bike
Now try to imagine a bike without laughing
Dammit, you're right
Bikes, the two wheeled pinnacle of comedy
BOOK
CAGE
Hi, @Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time !
Hi @FancyShark !
Ready for hurt?
I know I am!
It might be fun this time!
Hi, @Verified Pervert FlippantSausage !
Hey fancy!
I'm excited to prove we are all funnier than Lionel Fenn
Time to die
Strike one for Lionel was making Kent an actor
Way to sell the book, Lionel
"Keep the cat on the front porch"?
Curdle your shorts
IT IS TIME
hI,SHARK
The unsuccessful sequel to Salute Your Shorts
Hi, shark
HI SHARK
hi, shark
HELLO, @A Brendan for Christmas !!!!!
Hark! Shy?
Part 1
BOOOOOOO
Fuck you Lionel
the font can kiss my ass.
Oh wait I was saving that
Such a unique inversion of the form of language
This haiku sucks.
Can ya believe?
Return key is stuck I see
Hi, @GDC !
Fuck you Lionel
Gosh imagine it being foggy in ENGLAND, a place that is notoriously dry and clear.
Also Merkleton is the least funny place name for an English town.
I mean come on, they already have villages named like this:
There is a man in a hat
Lionel takes several paragraphs to say that
The irony of the women I've met from Beaver Close.
Not ONE of them was a Surrey thing.
I had to look up what a Barrymore hat was.
I assume it's a hat made out of Drew Barrymore
He then takes several paragraphs to describe him buying a drink
Search engine seems to think its related.
I can't say I understand why there's a colon used here
This is aggressively pleasant
Calm before the storp.
Which is a kind of storm you get in the very dry and not at all foggy England.
At least the name of the pub is pretty English.
Editor
I realize that overturning the joke of the first part with the pun of the second eliminates the irony. I submit myself to the mercy of the court.
I take it a "fruit machine" doesnt dispense fresh produce?
No, he doesn't do it a third time. It's stupid in a different way
"WHERE. Is. My. Curious monkey?" he growled.
His name? Dick Tracy.
✅ Redhead
✅ Slut
Hell yeah sluts.
This book is looking up.
@X-Rachel BOOK HAS A SLUT SIGHTING!
Well, slut-ish
A pseudoslut
Simon & Garfunkel on accordion gets the ladies going
She's not actually a slut, she's just drawn that way.
Strumpet! Cover thine accordion!
Slut adjacent
Clichés are funny on their own, right?
Then he does his best Nancy Drew and gets hit in the head
The End?
Meanwhile, a lady alcoholic drinks in the same bar
Getting more British now
Really need to double that amount to get near proper English
She sees Kent and burps a dark secret
Lizzy sounds like she could use some head trauma
She's chatted up by a Stan Yarkshore
You see, Lionel, by making Kent an actor instead of something more blue collar like a private eye, you make it very weird whenever you have people think he can help them with dangerous problems
Then fantasizes about ripping his bald head in twain
Ah good. Now she's more relatable
He was also just a butler in a soap opera. But also a Scottish lord
Because funny?
I remembered the Scottish lord bit. I'd hoped it was forgotten
Scottish lordship is something you get in a Happy Meal over there.
Then we relive the lights go out and Kent gets hit with the pipe again
I feel like this is going to happen between five and seventeen more times, based on Lionel's track record
Hmm? I saw the slut signal. Catch me up.
Last time we had an ensemble cast larger than Game of Thrones. Surely, SURELY, Lionel wouldn't do that again
Hi, @X-Rachel !
We're in a British pub. The main character shocked the entire bar by saying something. There's a random slutty lady. And a spooky lady.
Next up, Angus Dean army man
Mostly how to execute the Irish and not be tried for it.
Are the spooky lady and the slutty lady not the same lady? I lost track
He's being paid to lurk, and does not like it
They are not. But the spooky lady has already been hinted at being attractive and cool enough for burps, so we're probably stuck with her
He's after the drunk lady
Slutty drunk lady or spooky aspiring drunk lady?
And (can you believe it?) Kent gets hit in the head again
These better all be separate incidents
Lizzy Howgath, the spooky one
Next up, another Fake Stupidname
She and Janice here are pretending to be hookers
The problem with pretending to be a hooker is you dont get paid for it, better to just moonlight and kill two birds with one stone.
Plus, if you're a cop, it really keeps the johns on their toes
Why are they pretending to be prostitutes? Seems like even they don't know
I guess the joke is "Need to get more arrests? Try being a prostitute"
I am discomfort
Enjoy this sentence with 11 commas
This author's disdain for women radiates off every word.
Wakka wakka
Wow,,,,,,,,,,,,
Lies. Canterbury is NEVER nice.
Then Kent gets hit in the head for the fourth time
Its in England.
And the chapter ends
Rule of fours
We did it! Great book cage, everyone!
Someone mop up Kent's brains and let's get out of here
Lionel uses all the punctuation
Dammit, Lionel
Lionel writes like someone who has never reread his own work
I think you mean the book decides not to be reread
Which is how he writes. Exhibit A
Lionel clearly cant read.
That's really the whole bit, personifying inanimate objects
Because that's hilarious
It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't so overwritten
The sign says NO CROMWELLING.
You know what else is hilarious?
A long and incredibly poorly formatted list
Start with lowercase, end with semicolons, that's what the people love to see
Kent used his keen observation skills, honed from years as a Scottish lord
you know what? Lionel? I was on board until you fucked up the list formatting. I was prepared to praise you for being the worlds only known illiterate author and then you do this.
So, he picks up the pipe. That takes one hundred words
Dang, your hookers are into some really niche specialties.
that's the modern economy, you have to specialize to attract clients.
Uh im told
Turns out forcing a gender on your kid is wrong in both directions.
The damn druids!
Sex work is like being a doctor, society needs more general practitioners but Capitalism has warped the system such that specialists get more money.
Damn it, I said I wanted to hire a Canadian PROSECUTER.
Nonsense. You want to ambush someone, you use a Rogue
get you a bitch who can do both
Lionel breaks new comedic ground with his violent mother bit
I feel like Lionel only goes to the pub during the footie championships.
they banned him after his mom's last heat seeking missile blew up the fish and chips truck
Is his mother Hera? She sounds like a more interesting threat than "guy who is sometimes invisible"
Kent states at the barmaids tits.
Yay titties.
There, you got all the positive reinforcement you get for this book, Lionel.
Nothing turns a woman off like reading an ellipses followed by a comma
Do all bartenders have medical training? Is this a loophole in the healthcare system?
They get annoyed at the blind accordionist whose name is - let me double check - Zero Zuller
Skittish stock markets bounce jaggedly and I am confused.
God damn it no that's not his name
Wakka wakka
I will call him Eric.
No but barmaids are okay at putting your scalp back together after Bazzer From Up North smashes a bottle across your dome piece.
is the neckline going to plunge to the waist, if so, stitching irrelevant, or are the breasts going to plunge to her waist, in which case, Kent has off-market tastes.
Lionel once made a girlfriend out of lego blocks and still cries remembering when Mother threw her away
Someone has to appreciate a woman who can throw them over her shoulder like a continental soldier, i guess.
Lionel, let's try again
That's how I described my ex-boyfriend's dick
yes that is why he broke up with me
Kent takes a moment in the middle of this conversation to completely survey the bar, read the barmaid's mind vis-a-vis prostitutes, then consider getting one of the prostitutes
Some people just cant take a compliment gracefully.
Acting in soaps gives you mind reading powers, sure
This isn't the most outlandish thing I've seen someone claim about acting skills
Then we get to the thing they chose for the preview, no better in context
also the best accordion money can buy, how is that distinguishable from any other given accordion
It has gold scrollwork and the squonchy part is made of silk.
I don't think I've ever actually seen an accordion being sold anywhere
And the box is made of quality wood, not like balsawood.
My uncle plays the accordion
Not a joke, just a fact
It is a strange choice of instrument for a man who weighs 90 pounds but there we are
Oh shit they make them like gaming PCs now.
Hey, Lionel, quick question. Why is this even here? Is it supposed to be funny? If so, how?
Oh right this is a comedy. Weird
You could ask that about most of this book I think.
Those three lines pointlessly interrupt the other "joke," which you've already done twice
This part is like "Who's on first?" but nobody understands how jokes work and has a recent concussion.
I don't understand any part of this, other than Lionel really needing this prostitute to sneeze
Looking at accordions online is more entertaining.
Too bad for her, sneezy ones get fewer clients.
Anyway, Kent leaves
Did she flash a badge so she doesn't have to pay for tea? Cause that's not how anything works
I don't know what author he's trying to imitate, but he's really bad at it.
Writing is about the basics and no more. Skip the irrelevance and tell me what the redhead's doing.
Eddie tells us about all the great female characters amongst a sea of commas
There is no chameleon emoji or I could make a proper joke about all the commas
The redhead's a burly man with the slut
...go on
WHAT DID I SAY
Remember the Smith bit from the last book? About the homeless man who went crazy because his name was John Smith? No? Well, it's back anyway
Anyway, somebody named Smith is living above the bar
Next chapter finds the invisible man walking through the festival
This goes on for a while
The biggest drawback to being invisible, besides being blind because your retinas are clear, is how you have to be nude all the time or you just look like an asshole
I figured you guys had forced the "slut" categorization on the character, but no. It was the author.
And being nude in England is no picnic.
I would never.
What
I apologize for impugning your honour.
The only time a woman is a slut is when she tells you she is or the author does.
What
Pigeons dont fly at night, Lionel.
PIGEONS DONT FLY AT NIGHT.
His… singing is keeping the pigeon awake?
That's the best I've got but it's buried under so much purple prose
And it's so pointless
Even by the standards of this book
You think you've seen pointless?
I'll show you pointless
Lionel, like so many Book Cage authors before him, has never learned you have to master basic English before you can mess around with it
I'm assuming some parts of that are supposed to be humorous, but I couldn't tell you which
Part 2
Does........Belgium have a thriving country-and-western music scene?
Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett made this type of book look so easy
Claudius Cana
Wasn't he a character in Life of Brian?
He's an evil fat fancy man
So he's the Penguin
That's a lot of words to describe a cliche.
Lionel really thinks he's inventing something new
His skinny lady friend notices the fake prostitutes
Or doing something clever with a trope
Yes yes Lionel sex workers are very funny, do you have anything else?
Silly names
I know this kind of thing impressed your mom when you were five Lionel but most people had more in the tank before writing books.
I don't get his description of the lady
Like Poetra Pioll, seen here either wanting to purchase or shoot the prostitutes, I'm not sure
He says she's slender, but then describes her dress like she's fat. Is she a balloon?
There have been three instances of women with mysterious things in their purses
One more until payoff
The secret festival chairman world domination plan
Hi, @rooster !
Gotta say "Poetra" is the kind of name Terry Pratchett came up with to make lighthearted affectionate fun of a certain kind of teen girl.
You can tell Lionel respects women from how they all barely wear clothes
He could make so much of this work. Lionel is embarrassing himself
I'm guessing Yemen. There are only so many options
Lords and Ladies is one of my favorites of his.
Yemen could be nice for vacation at some point.
When Pratchett poked fun at women it came from a place of love and respect
York?
This feels a little different
They fear the failed soap actor who's afraid of his mother
And defeated an alien from Mars, I guess
Although the way that actually happened was completely incomprehensible
Pratchett described A Kind of Teen Girl (Goth) so accurately that i was given the impression he knew the girl who was my best friend in high school.
I refuse to believe this is a series
Also you counteract the sign of the cross by doing a headstands.
The person they were meeting didn't show up, and they react appropriately
Stop talking about better books, they're all better than this, you'll never be able to stop
The brain claws for escape
That's why we have the cage
When the friend im having lunch with is fifteen minutes late i give my girlfriend permission to brutally murder them
And now, another stupid name cleans vomit
Gretchen sure, but......Kirkie?
What the hell kind of name is Kirkie?
Is that Gretchen's corgi?