Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
A funny one! Are you not amused? ARE YOU NOT AMUSED?!
140: Kent Montana and the Reasonably Invisible Man Lionel Fenn
#2 Kent Montana
Tags:
He's out of sight...and out of his mind!
Archive
X-Rachel
Zero Zeller
FancyShark
Kirkie is a name you give to a pet turtle you keep in a bathtub
gellaho
Would it help to know that he is dead?
FancyShark
Good
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
It brings me some comfort, yes
gellaho
You'll notice "comedy" is not listed as a specialty
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Ladies and Gentlemen, and those that lieth betwixt..........We got him.
gellaho
FancyShark
If Jim Henson and Mr. Food had a baby
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Looks like he wrote a lot of licensed tie-in novels
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
That picture makes him look like hes about to do LSD and jack off in the desert to summon a new girlfriend.
FancyShark
Nothing as illustrious as the Wild Wild West novelization
gellaho
Another person with long plans, afraid of Kent Montana
gellaho
FancyShark
Do barons do that?
X-Rachel
Is he literally a baron too..?
gellaho
Yes
FancyShark
He's a Scottish lord
X-Rachel
Okay i guess
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
The one I keep beside my bed to make me feel like a genius every morning by comparison? No, nothing that good
gellaho
Excuse me?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
What
Fucking Americans trying to write British humor
FancyShark
You can't hide behind British-isms with that one, Lionel
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Okay if you werent dead, Lionel, I would kill you for that. Not just being mean to Willie Nelson but also the homophobic slur.
X-Rachel
sigh
gellaho
Milo them gets an erection
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
I bet Willie Nelson could kick your ass, he knows martial arts.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
I bet Willie Nelson as he is right now could kick Lionel's ass
gellaho
Gretchen, aka slut #2, also went to Yemen
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Especially as Lionel is right now.
gellaho
Where she saw Elvis or something
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Good news, Lionel wrote a book about how to write good
My bet is Paul, because it's 1991 and Lionel wants to be British so much
FancyShark
I really forgot how loathsome all of Lionel's characters can be
gellaho
Kirkie needs her stuff
X-Rachel
I want this
In an ideal world that book wouldn't exist but i would somehow have a copy
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Look, Milo. Sometimes you have a cocaine girlfriend, and thats fine. But you have to know when to let go and find a non cocaine girlfriend, someone who likes you for reasons other than "You have cocaine."
OR just a different girl that likes cocaine.
There are lots.
FancyShark
Some are even named something other than "Kirkie"
gellaho
Kent Montana deals with a mom bomb
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
I know its a real hassle to find one that likes cocaine and dislikes paying for it enough to bone down, but thats the price you pay for being a shithead.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
That was almost comedy
Maybe
Good job Lionel
FancyShark
Lionel even ruins a Looney Tunes premise like "mother trying to blow up son"
gellaho
Writing.
Is hard.
X-Rachel
You fool, you just invented Don diebel
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Don Diebel doesnt have cocaine.
Hes too cheap.
gellaho
Alex Scarrow brought in to guest write this chapter
gellaho
You don't have to read it, just be aware of the length
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Eat a whole fucking barrel of asses.
gellaho
I can tell you what happened: a woman almost got attacked by the invisible man
Rivetingstuff
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
REASONABLY invisible no less.
gellaho
Next chapter, Lizzy Howgath, the older woman with an undefined secret, is accosted by a gasp American
GDC
An American who says mayhaps is the most dangerous kind
gellaho
Dove
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Shut the fuck up Lionel.
Shut the fuck up. Dove?
gellaho
Lionel gets distracted before actually telling the reader anything
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
The bastard, dinner? WITH HIS WIFE?!
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
lol I think I'm glad I'm missing this one
gellaho
Back to the bar, where the policewoman walks up to him. There's also something very strange about a ladel
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Was...........that a sexual thing or just a cooking thing? Lionel, im so confused.
FancyShark
Hi, @Tom, Boy Detective (Retired) !
gellaho
She tells him that her feet hurt for some reason
X-Rachel
His mother was expert in artillery and poisons but very ignorant of cooking implements.
gellaho
Then the lights go out and someone screams again
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
Hey everyone sausage doesn't know how to fuck ladles! Let us all point and laugh!
gellaho
Kent doesn't have the resiliency of a Hardy Boy
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
The most boring head trauma ever described.
gellaho
And then he leaves, so
gellaho
That was pointless
Time for more wacky names
gellaho
It's just great female characters all the way down
X-Rachel
My fagometer is off the fucking charts
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
this came out in 1991
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Who knits sweaters for a budgie?
Also bulldogs are great.
I dont like Etta very much.
gellaho
The cheese riots!? So wacky!
gellaho
Hooker surprise
gellaho
Angus Dean, ex-Army, wishes he could have had soldiers as courageous as this stumbling drunk
gellaho
That "Ten steps. Thump." thing happens a couple more times
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Could really have done with her in Checks notes, the Falklands war and oppressing the Irish.
gellaho
Lionel hitting all the classic gags
X-Rachel
Haha so classic what a day
gellaho
Three paragraphs later
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hey Lionel. Do you think heeled shoes with no heels are easier to walk in?
gellaho
It'd be fantastic to know what's in the bag, Lionel
gellaho
It's been fifty pages since it was introduced
X-Rachel
Sure, there were a lot of british soldiers in high heels in sudan in the 80s
gellaho
Guess Lizzy's got whatever "the stuff" is
gellaho
Angus decides to completely change his life for this drunk stranger
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
"Um........you just conked him. Its drugs, dude. Hes my dealer, you just fucked me out of free cocaine."
gellaho
And guess what, they need to see Kent Montana
gellaho
Why? Who knows!
FancyShark
Sorry, had to eat. I miss anything of note?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
No
FancyShark
Cool
gellaho
Kent got beat over the head again
There were a couple more slurs
And now Angus Dean found true love with the woman he was hired to stalk
X-Rachel
But for him, that is tuesdaah fine, how are you?
gellaho
Meanwhile
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Oh right
They're in this book
gellaho
The invisible man flashed these old women
gellaho
You probably have some questions
I have no answers
Instead, Kent takes the other fake hooker to his cozy hotel
gellaho
It's cozy, you see?
Cozy.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
So is the invisible guy not that invisible? Like the Predator? Is that why you can still see his dick?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Well the cozy bisexual bar is a surprise
FancyShark
I'm sure Lionel meant for it to be outrageous
gellaho
Lionel Fenn breaks new comedic ground
FancyShark
gellaho
Manic pixie police hooker
gellaho
gellaho
This book is 50% the word hooker
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Her eyes blinked so rapidly his hair nearly blew back off his forehead
FancyShark
Lionel's Word of the Day calendar is a napkin with the word "hooker" smeared on it
gellaho
She starts hyperventilating about looking like a hooker
gellaho
gellaho
Before bizarrely coming onto him
FancyShark
I take offense to the idea sharks perv out on dolphins
Tom, Boy Detective (Retired)
If porpoises didn't want to get eaten by sharks they shouldn't have wait what the fuck am I saying
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
They do, but it is rude to air that dirty laundry here
gellaho
The other policewoman shows up to say she saw the invisible man's dick
FancyShark
Lionel, stop this
gellaho
Onto Part 3
FancyShark
Name it and Claim it
gellaho
Mr Smith sits in his above bar room, thinking about Yemen
gellaho
He's the invisible man, who would have guessed
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
I think I understand how Shark feels about Bicycling Through Time and Space
gellaho
Then he starts manically screaming and playing the guitar
FancyShark
oh
So he's the singer
gellaho
Indeed
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
The one that made the pigeon an insomniac
gellaho
The singer with the fakest name of them all
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Nope
No
Try again
FancyShark
That isn't a name. That's a keyboard malfunction.
gellaho
His dick is invisible once again
FancyShark
"It's not invisible! It's just very small!"
gellaho
That was a solid three pages for that chapter
And section
Onto Part 4
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
I hope his dick is haunted
FancyShark
You're overpromisng, Lionel
gellaho
gellaho
Gotta ask what "The Secret" was
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
In a different author not so impressed with themselves, id say there was some missing pages.
Lionel would think this shit is funny tho.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Was it his dick?
It was his dick wasn't it
gellaho
Back in Kent's hotel room, the policewoman Janice brushes her teeth with her finger. Like a crazy person
gellaho
FancyShark
https://youtu.be/qRCBViNVDFQ?si=XM8fLGTH2zVput0h
gellaho
Janice sleep fights
gellaho
He is beset by the lead inspector
gellaho
gellaho
He's a big fan
FancyShark
These characters all seem carefully designed to have zero conflict
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Oh right conflict
gellaho
Pointless things happen, he leaves
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
That's what this story is missing
gellaho
Surely
gellaho
Surely? Surely! Shir-surely; surely: surely, surely surely surely
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Surely's a funny word if you think about it
gellaho
Meanwhile
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Lionel's trying his best, which is tragic
gellaho
If the zombie was right
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Lionel, your fingerblasting jokes are stale.
Do better.
gellaho
Gelid
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Welsh people are always chuckling madly.
FancyShark
I was going to joke earlier that Dargren's name doesn't make sense. It's probably Welsh. But I didn't because even I knew that was a hack joke.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Its why they have names like Llanfairpyllgwyn.
gellaho
Glitter memories
FancyShark
Which does nothing because clothes don't have veins
gellaho
He gets very mad he couldn't make his jacket invisible
gellaho
FancyShark
See? Even Lionel knew that plan was dumb
You suck at this, Racine
gellaho
Later, he gets very mad that the bartender sees his mood lighting
gellaho
His Christmas mood lighting
FancyShark
He is a mighty Welshman
gellaho
The barman vows revenge
gellaho
FancyShark
I assume Eddie's revenge will be to not pour him a full glass
Hell yes on the new title, @gellaho
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Janice had some kind of learning disability
FancyShark
Are we sure she wasn't the one getting repeatedly conked?
X-Rachel
Sorry I was playing mahjong, what did i miss?
FancyShark
Nothing, really
The invisible man is the singer they alluded to at some point
That's about it
gellaho
Lionel is completely losing his grasp on the language
X-Rachel
Perfect
Lol
Like he ever had a grasp on the language
gellaho
"Sorry. Reflex"
"I wish"
FancyShark
"Trusting himself not to immediately go for her throat"
gellaho
What the fuck does that mean
Are her tits out?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Sorry, I was pulled away. How many noses have been licked?
FancyShark
None
But a leg has been squeezed
gellaho
The other cop gives Kent a lap dance to announce a murder
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Lionel is the worst type of horny
FancyShark
Yeah. He's Brooke horny.
X-Rachel
But a worse writer, which I thought was impossible
The art is better though, in that there is none
FancyShark
I think I'd rather be stuck talking to Lionel. Mostly because he's dead.
X-Rachel
Yeah I'd rather be trapped in his coffin than brooke's office
gellaho
A thief sneaks up to the invisible man's room
gellaho
This guy happens to be the bald guy who chatted up Lizzy ninety pages ago. He has not been mentioned since
Stan then passes out hiding in a closet
FancyShark
Horror
gellaho
Racig then assaults him musically
gellaho
Racig is very inconspicuous
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
RUINED! MY METH LAB! RUINED!
gellaho
White-bellied Wife-stealer was the name of my bad boy country album
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Hey I have a white belly, Lionel. Fuck you.
gellaho
Anyway, Stan's dead
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Oh my god no
Stan?!
He was the best of us
FancyShark
NOT STAN!
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Everyone knows the wives in the park are free to take.
FancyShark
Take a wife, leave a wife
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
DAMN IT STAN YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DIE LIKE THIS
gellaho
Huh
gellaho
You'd think that thing about the alien would come up at some point
Or that woman he was involved with in that book
GDC
So on the island being an orphan is a...job?
A Brendan for Christmas
Did this book get a plot while I was gone?
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
No.
I think its erased the plot from a couple other books tho.
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Yeah you gotta go to Orphan School, get a BFA in Orphan
FancyShark
There is less narrative in the world since this book was written
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
So hard to find a school with an Orphan program. And forget getting a PHD.
gellaho
F- pun, Lionel
FancyShark
Janice is doing her own thing
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Die in a fire, Lionel.
gellaho
Nipples
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Yay nipples.
But dude, if you confused eyes and nipples, you need to read more.
gellaho
Oh, no! The flower girl is gone
FancyShark
Oh no!
Who?
gellaho
I think I've skipped everything about her
FancyShark
Ah
Oh no!
gellaho
She sits outside the bar selling flowers and is poor
X-Rachel
Aerth dies again
gellaho
Mary Shweet
FancyShark
She would have starved anyway. It's a bad business model.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Its a bad side hustle. Better off giving blowjobs tbh, people love blowjobs and dont really care either way about flowers.
X-Rachel
Enough of your FF7 fanfic
gellaho
Damn you, the sun!
FancyShark
"Damn you, Sun, for robbing me of my wretchedness!"
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
You know youd read it. Especially right now when its up against Lionel.
gellaho
Anyway, she's dead
FancyShark
Really want us to know how horrible her death is, don't you, Lionel
gellaho
Back to Kent's mother
FancyShark
Lionel, I don't know how you botched this running bit, but you did. And seeing you try to keep it going is depressing
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
RIP Flower Waif, we didnt know you existed because you were boring.
FancyShark
Like, you clearly are trying to do something like the Nately's Whore bit from Catch-22. But you screwed up the setup and you've utterly failed to stick the landing
Sorry, I'm hoping my lecture reaches the dead man before the end of the book
gellaho
Janice out here getting confused and wanting her nose licked
FancyShark
Why is the nose licking thing still happening
Is this how Lionel flirts?
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Because Lionel wants it
You don't use six pen names without something shameful, and two X-Files novelizations, to hide
gellaho
Apparently, these two are only fake hookers now
gellaho
In spite of the earlier assertion that this was the first time they've done this, and they hated it
Velo Was A Ghost The Whole Time
Lionel doesn't want to read Lionel's shit book
gellaho
Kent gets tired of their buffoonery, and ponders how best to murder them
gellaho
FancyShark
Lionel was obviously a psychopath because of the nose thing, but I'm surprised it took this long to admit it
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
The first relatable thing this asshole has done.
gellaho
Nodded warily at the lack of nipples
gellaho
Just repeat words, eventually it'll count as a joke
FancyShark
Okay
There are filibusters that have more substance than this book
gellaho
Lacking in the hooker department, though
Hookers.
Verified Pervert FlippantSausage
Good point Army Guy, soldiers should have a union.
gellaho
Time to snort something
