74: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #66: The Phoenix Equation Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 74 The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #66: Operation Phoenix #3: The Phoenix Equation

The boys have been jet-setting around the world, stopping poachers and pointlessly investigating their father's fake murder. Now, on to Berlin, baby! Will Joe be able to keep it in his pants enough to solve this international mystery and find their father? Will Frank experience a human emotion? Will whatever Phoenix Enterprises actually is be explained? All will be explained in THE FINAL RECKONING, this Friday 5pm eastern. For sure this time.

gellaho

FancyShark

Could the person inside the operation be the suspicious-as-hell politician that sent them and whose only given character trait is his unblemished public reputation? Or could it be the customs agent?

gellaho

Possibly the politician. Except that I'm pretty sure the ghostwriter(s) already forgot about them

FancyShark

Yeah. This writer's no Hawke

1000 Space GDCs

This trilogy has all the hallmarks of multiple ghostwriters who didn't share notes. In this way it can be compared to the most recent star wars movies.

gellaho

At the top of the hour, it's The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #66: Operation Phoenix #3: The Phoenix Equation. Here's your explosive preview

FancyShark

Oh shit! They threw a computer through the window!

gellaho

That lamppost looks real weird

FancyShark

Lewd

1000 Space GDCs

I didn't realize they circumcized their lampposts in the UK.

FancyShark

It helps keep them clean

gellaho

I forgot about the name Jumsai Lee Khoo

FancyShark

I misread it as "snuggling ring" and now want that story

gellaho

Looks like we got one of the ghostwriters who is thirsty for Hardy

FancyShark

It's a spare face he carries with him

1000 Space GDCs

The cop is angry that Joe isn't doing his job for him.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The Hardys are so square faced they belong in Minecraft.

gellaho

Fenton Hardy just going around framing someone for all his crimes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You can build houses from their skulls.

FancyShark

When they find their dad, they'll have to bludgeon him until he forgets the identity. NO ONE CAN KNOW.

gellaho

Everyone is tight and angular

1000 Space GDCs

Oh shit, is the reveal that Fenton was the mastermind behind every crime they've solved?

FancyShark

Everyone in Sweden is named Rik?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also every city.

LyraV

His lean sharp clean handsome features. Also keen.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Rik Rikson from Rikspols Rikspolis.

gellaho

Everyone just glaring and squinting at everyone else

gellaho

1000 Space GDCs

The ghost writer is very proud of having read the term Rikspolis in their old copy of Encyclopedia Britannica.

FancyShark

Stern-faced is no redhead

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lol what the fuck is an MP doing there?

Oh shit are the Hardy boys dodging the draft?!

1000 Space GDCs

Everyone has Liefeld-face

gellaho

Joe thinking his master criminal monolog

FancyShark

"Welcome, agents. To your...DOOM!"

"Joe, shut up"

1000 Space GDCs

Joe read a copy of the Anarchist Cookbook on the way to Stockholm.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He bought a beret in France.

gellaho

Joe throwing a tantrum at multiple law enforcement agencies

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hasn't stopped calling Frank "the bourgeoisie" since.

FancyShark

"We're the authorities, fatherless asshole"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair, Military Police and Customs agents probably have less jurisdiction in Europe than regular teen boys.

LyraV

I mean...we're the forces of law and order? Like you keep muttering under your breath.

gellaho

I'd love to hear the logical reasons for why two teens should investigate this smuggling ring

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Look, government pig, facts dont care about your feelings and that means me and my brother can do whatever the fuck we want in Europe."

FancyShark

Joe tries to sweeten the deal with sandwich

Joe eats the sandwich before he finishes talking

gellaho

☑️ Redhead, page 6

FancyShark

Hell yeah!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh shit shes giving them uniforms, I guess they did get drafted.

FancyShark

The Hardys live in a world that's 80% sexy redheaded women and I hate them for it

LyraV

Hardy Boy bingo would be a thing of explosions and redheads that's for sure.

gellaho

Apparently they are going to be housed in a safe house now. This is obviously the best way to get there

FancyShark

This is the best way to lure them away from the actual case

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yes because theres no chance they will simply use the motorcycles to escape.

FancyShark

Honorcycles

gellaho

"I wish we had some vroom-vrooms"

FancyShark

The motorcycles squeak, their feelings hurt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Cmoooooooon you wusses. Try to escape on a Vespa.

gellaho

Well, I guess just give up on that plan

FancyShark

@Brendan , Hardy Time!

gellaho

No, you aren't

FancyShark

I'm "Keyboard Isn't Working"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Barbro is a character in BroForce.

I'm sure of it.

FancyShark

It's only in the US version. Originally, he was Vega

gellaho

Getting straight into it

FancyShark

"CHEESE IT, BRO!"

"There's che-"

💥

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God every time they get an attempt on their lives its just so incompetent.

FancyShark

I think Wile E. Coyote has a higher success rate

gellaho

If only there were some emergency services around to help these police out.

Wait

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You know whats easier than a binary hypergolic reaction? A glass bottle full of gasoline, with a burning rag in the top.

gellaho

You try killing an immortal

FancyShark

Correction: MOST of those three police are inside

FancyShark

Are you a sorcerer?

LyraV

You would start getting increasingly desperate and dramatic.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yes.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure they should be able to walk out

FancyShark

The cop are all in the next room watching futbol

gellaho

They weren't in the room what exploded

LyraV

Barbro Alvorg would be a dope sorceress name, Geralt would be into it.

gellaho

This number seems unwieldy

FancyShark

Emergencies are over 9000

I'll go to hell now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank I think they will just follow the explosions and fire.

1000 Space GDCs

You many know Barbro Alvorg's cousin, Bobson Dugnutt.

FancyShark

"If only we weren't in town for the Explosion Festival"

gellaho

The ghostwriter has decided to really personify the fire

LyraV

Hopefully.

1000 Space GDCs

That's not how fire works, frank.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sweden is in the northern hemisphere so the fire goes clockwise.

Brendan

I got home at 5, my dog slipped out the door and began barking at the brand new neighbors while we tried to keep him away from the street. Hi, what are those stupid kids up to this week?

1000 Space GDCs

Fire always travels in the shortest path to a chimney

FancyShark

They're in Sweden and someone tried to bomb them

1000 Space GDCs

Joe's gone full ACAB.

FancyShark

Also, redhead traffic cop

1000 Space GDCs

ACAB, except for her

gellaho

You two were the only ones in the exploding room, I don't see how. Unless that was a guided chemical bomb

FancyShark

All Cops Are Badonkin'

gellaho

They're also on the first floor

Brendan

All Crimson Authorities: Babes

gellaho

Let's look at the cover again

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

IF they were close to the blast, then their organs are jelly. Leave them.

gellaho

Guessing that's not a very, very low lamppost

gellaho

The old street level lampposts

FancyShark

It's one of those little lights you put by the footpath so guests can find their way in the dark

Or it's for a garden gnome village

1000 Space GDCs

They got blown out of a window and into Narnia

LyraV

They would be shredded by the glass.

gellaho

I'm sure you got the three adults out the window before the flames got to you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sweden isnt Narnia already?!

1000 Space GDCs

It looks like that window was made of glass designed to shatter into prison shivs

gellaho

I bet he did

Brendan

He saved her life. Unfortunately, he also got her pregnant.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe, you dont use that much tongue when you do CPR.

You know that.

FancyShark

Nine months later, she'd give birth to a block of immortal cement

gellaho

"Eh, she's fine! Let's run around Europe"

FancyShark

"I'm sure the murderers left. They'll be safe!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahhaha of course the Hardy boys have money belts.

1000 Space GDCs

Money belts and pocket protectors are their EDC

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Keeping their precious American currency away from the notorious pickpockets of Sweden.

FancyShark

Swedes hide stolen wallets in their perfect cheekbones

gellaho

Get some quick B&E in while on the run

FancyShark

A locksmith was blacklisted after this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh yeah remember that guy you had a kung fu death duel with, bro? That was rad."

gellaho

That's right, ghostwriter, the whole tower is the CPU

gellaho

1000 Space GDCs

"he turned into kind of a stereotype at the end, it was awkward"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fingers crossed for a computer explosion.

1000 Space GDCs

An IT department very serious about asset management, here.

gellaho

They hide behind the peepin' tapestry

Brendan

Seems like you two foreign yanks were seen fleeing an arson and leaving the body of an unconscious woman clinging to life exposed to the Swedish cold.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bolting things to the ground just gives people a reason to have bolt cutters.

And bolts to steal.

FancyShark

They bump right into Polonius

Who explodes

1000 Space GDCs

"Frank recognized the tapestry as the one that used to hang in the bathroom"

gellaho

A wild nerd appears

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bolt cutters are very cool and everyone should own them, btw.

FancyShark

All knees and elbows? Sounds like a Bloodborne monster

1000 Space GDCs

They're extremely useful for a surprising number of things that aren't crimes, too.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe is a threaded cane main, Frank is a Kirkhammer boy.

gellaho

Building tension over a key press

FancyShark

Joe thinks he can use the shield

Are you sure, Frank?

LyraV

'This town's finished!'

gellaho

Frank, being a robot, winces in sympathy for the destroyed data

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank tries so hard to use the Rosmarinus.

FancyShark

'Hardys all over the shop'

Now Frank would have to rely on googlefu

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just grab the dude and beat his ass until he tells you what you want to know, geez.

gellaho

The nerd escapes, but Frank saves his best friend

Brendan

As Frank and the Stranger strangled one another to death, Joe calmly pressed CTRL + Z

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Fucking Swedish DOS." Frank muttered.

gellaho

Frank's turning into the Riddler

1000 Space GDCs

Joe clicks the "restore" button in the recycle bin and congratulates himself on being a master hacker

FancyShark

Nothing like evidence tampering. Now it's a Hardy Boys book!

gellaho

The fucking names in this series

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"RIDDLE ME THIS, SWEDISH POLICE! What is red, white and blue and doesnt give a fuck about local law enforcement?"

FancyShark

Every name is a winning Scrabble hand

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And not a bad Warhammer Fantasy character name.

I'd play Barbro Alvorg.

FancyShark

Grunewald would be an inquisitor, no question

gellaho

Rolodex joins Dumpster in the illustrious pantheon of Hardy-approved brand names

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Give her a zweihander and watch her cleave goblins.

FancyShark

Nothing as timeless as Rolodex

1000 Space GDCs

Barbro Alvorg is a half-orc name.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm just old enough to know what a Rolodex looks like but have never seen one in the wild.

1000 Space GDCs

Half-orcs can still be cute freckled redheads, right?

gellaho

Time for some 🌭

FancyShark

According to several unpublished binders I have, yes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What.......... Joe.........when you talk like that it makes me think you are having a stroke.

gellaho

MUST CONSUME

gellaho

But they actually said it this time

FancyShark

Joe, you're mistaken. Hot dogs give you tourista

1000 Space GDCs

A swedish hot dog is a pickled herring on a bun with mayo

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe really said "My hovercraft is full of eels." but the hotdog guy isnt a fool. You ask a hotdog stall owner for something, nine times out of ten its a hotdog.

LyraV

gellaho

Joe Hardy would go on to write for The Mind of Mencia

FancyShark

I think gellaho just won for Most Savage Burn

1000 Space GDCs

Joe fondly remembers being abandoned in airports for days at a time.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jesus Christ Joe. Its the 90s, 9\11 hasnt even happened yet.

FancyShark

It doesn't help that Joe's pointing at the dude

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And full on yelling.

gellaho

Some rock solid evidence there

FancyShark

Only refugees get lost

GPS sales will vindicate me

Brendan

I could go for a hot dog.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I have a can of Hormel chili and a package of hotdogs waiting to be dumped in an air fryer later.

LyraV

'Frank do you ever feel like even though we've had enough of the hot dogs maybe they'll never have enough of us? Like they'll mock our adventures? Nah you're right that's crazy.'

FancyShark

"What's 'feel'?"

1000 Space GDCs

I'm about to go eat some tacos in the basement of a metal bar.

Brendan

I'm eating burek, but it's pizza burek so it's like getting the full Albanian pizzeria experience if I add some thick yogurt.

gellaho

The Boys, high off several hotdogs, develop an insane plan

FancyShark

Ridin' that Hoge Hange

Brendan

KETCHUP MURDER

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit Lea works in the bad part of Stockholm.

gellaho

Joe Hardy living out some fantasies

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And witnessed one of the years like five total murders, what bad luck.

FancyShark

Even worse, that thug has Merlin living in his brain

gellaho

So, you bought the melon. Do you just carry fake blood around in your money belt?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair tho you can get real far with a fistful of kronor and a busted pipe.

1000 Space GDCs

Have we ever had a non-Hardy viewpoint in one of these books before? I feel like this is a new thing this ghostwriter is doing.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

INNOVATION!

1000 Space GDCs

The ghostwriter learned a new thing in their creative writing workshop earlier that week and wanted to try it out.

gellaho

"Maybe she'll go out with me?"

FancyShark

Meanwhile, a family goes without the precious melon they could have bought to feed their sickly child

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Good thing Lea didnt notice the fucking melon seeds or that melon mush doesnt look at all like blood.

FancyShark

Joe having a bad-boy persona feels like we're seeing a child play cowboys

1000 Space GDCs

Cowboys who just caved someone's skull in with a pipe.

gellaho

Joe working out his '30s gangster character

Brendan

You know the old saying. If you've got a melon, you've got luck. If you've got two melons, you've got happiness.

gellaho

Kinda

Brendan

Squarehead is a SLUR sir

As is Boxhead

and Huple

gellaho

And nurple

FancyShark

Joe's gonna make them an offer they can't understand

1000 Space GDCs

"Bad Boys" wear leather jackets and smoke, Joe. You're thinking of "psychopaths"

gellaho

LIIIIPS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That poor woman is just talking quickly so Joe doesnt have time to take his dick out.

FancyShark

Odd thing for Joe to think

gellaho

I'm not sure Fat Abie Mandelbaum reaches this book's required ridiculous rating

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Promise him anything, Lea, its just the safe thing to do.

Brendan

Buzz off, frail, peddle that papers line to the evening rags.

FancyShark

Joe gets directed to a West Side Story casting call

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I love how Joe just dropped a gangster name like everyone in Sweden would know Fat Abie

gellaho

Ah, they're bringing in Gul Dukat

FancyShark

I wish

gellaho

I knew the Cardassians were involved

FancyShark

Garrak would run circles around these dweebs

gellaho

"Just let me break this coffee table real quick"

Brendan

"I witnessed a murder and invited the killer to my house to make a 50-kroner referral fee."

Brendan

IKEA confirmed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mr. Ducats is his rap name, you see.

gellaho

Frank, I think you boys have had enough

FancyShark

Just one more dog and then they're clean, man

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Two rounds of hotdogs cannot satisfy the Hardy bratthirst.

gellaho

A brown haired white is very conspicuous in Sweden

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank sticks out like a spare asshole on porcelain at all times, he might as well have a flashing light on his head.

1000 Space GDCs

Mr. Ducats is the Swedish version of Uncle Pennybags.

Brendan

No it's because he's hitting on every woman without finding out if she's his cousin.

FancyShark

Fool me once...

gellaho

That sounds more like Joe behavior

Joey Taint

gellaho

And LIIIIPS

Frank thought Joe getting beat was very sexy

1000 Space GDCs

Frank is putting a lot of stock in his profiling skills.

FancyShark

Frank discovers a fetish and it's hating his brother

gellaho

Oh, also the gun I guess

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

What an unexpected twist, the two criminals decided to simply murder the young dipshit who kidnapped their associate.

Brendan

I bet there's a game among the four Hardy writers that when you write that line you call up another one of them and make them listen to you slam a shot.

gellaho

The ole gun mouth

FancyShark

At least one of those writers plays to lose

Brendan

Like you're only allowed two exclamatory cliffhangers per novel.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shoot. Him. In. The. Back. Of. The. Head.

God this isnt hard.

FancyShark

oh jeez. This is how snuff films start, isn't it?

gellaho

Yeah, this isn't a Nancy Drew novel where it's required for every chapter

Joe's voice is very high and girlish

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Drop his ass in the Soderstrom with a rock.

FancyShark

Also, excellent new title, @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage . I just noticed

1000 Space GDCs

Joe underestimated the human traffickers, now he's on his way to Thailand.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

hahahahah money belt.

Nerds.

FancyShark

"Good price on stupid unkillable american boy mouth"

gellaho

Cargo puts the lotion in the basket

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's getting fucked by an Emirati oil baron inside two months, tops.