74: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #66: The Phoenix Equation Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

My vroom vroom joke came true

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank, like all Americans, is expecting the Europeans to open their mouths real wide, point at him and shriek when he speaks.

Brendan

I surprised myself after 36 hours in Cologne by being able to argue over a ticket with a conductor.

I AM Frank.

gellaho

Don't pretend German doesn't sound like that

Brendan

Das konduktor was surprisingly cool about the rules and the trains running on time despite all stereotypes.

FancyShark

Not sure how comfortable I'd be with Germans putting me on a train

Brendan

Germans LOVE sharks, you're fine.

Das Apex Predatoren

gellaho

Welp, he's got to show up eventually

gellaho

This is a children's book after all

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I just spaced out when the word "panzershark" floated thru my brain.

FancyShark

Man, that Hitler guy creeps Frank out

gellaho

And if Photon taught me nothing (and it didn't) Hitler is vital to children's literature

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kids love Hitler.

FancyShark

I dared you to pull the trigger, writer. And you finally did it.

Agent of Fortune

I made the Kraftwerk joke too soon

Brendan

I would accept any level of free motorcycle without grumbling.

*functioning

gellaho

Griefswald seems like a fun place

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And those old timey ones were beasts, you could damn well bet they would run for that long.

FancyShark

Just down the road from Despairhaus

Brendan

Hitler seems to have died so much closer in history now than he did when I, a child in grade school, was taught about him not 40 years later.

Like the moon landing is further away now than Hitler was when I learned about Hitler.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If you hit Depressionstein you've gone too far.

FancyShark

Gigglehaut is too far

Brendan

Also I thought the moon landing was a whole eon before I was born and not like...basically an achievement of the modern world.

the 60s/70s divide was really two whole eras.

gellaho

Not even a willkommen

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Then you need to hit the exit on the autobahn to Sadburg

gellaho

Hey, ghostwriter? Gross

FancyShark

I like that a Hardy Boys novel made Brendan realize his own mortality

gellaho

Or that time exists

Brendan

hahaha denied

1000 Space GDCs

Ve vill cut off your hand before you touch ein boob.

gellaho

LIIIIPS

FancyShark

That's German for "Old!" and "Fucko!"

gellaho

Multinational Fugitives is the name of my punk band

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit I know that one from Shadowrun: Dragonfall.

gellaho

Two fires in as many days

FancyShark

Good time to remind everyone of this

1000 Space GDCs

'strange words'. They're German, Joe, not elvish.

gellaho

Quartered? Was this book translated from another language?

FancyShark

Could they wight the Wongs they'd found?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man I wonder what the Chinese couple did that they have the cash to flee China, get to Europe, and go to America but don't want to stick around in China for?

gellaho

I repeat

1000 Space GDCs

They do the drawing on the near side of the building, and the quartering on the far side.

FancyShark

He's gonna get thrown for a loop when he meets Cyrano

Agent of Fortune

Count Nose is my next VtM Ventrue

gellaho

The writing in this book has become very strange

Brendan

I learned today there's a winery called shadow run.

Agent of Fortune

WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL ALERT

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

FancyShark

The author must have sent an unfinished draft and left the rest for the kid in charge of gluing on the pages

1000 Space GDCs

Oh yeah, there's the insurance fraud fix.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If I worked there I would constantly be pitching a special run of rum, so we would be selling Shadow Rum.

gellaho

He smuggles human beings, Joe. No shit

FancyShark

THE INSURANCE MONEY!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh shit Joe, you finally figured it out!

Nice job, he's only been threatening you for almost the whole book!

1000 Space GDCs

Joe is startlingly ignorant about how human traffickers work.

FancyShark

To be fair, the first class airfare and dance club sent some mixed signals

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe is a little short on processing power without his robo brother.

gellaho

Frank saves the Turk. And Strutlar fails again

FancyShark

Can you climb, head trauma victim?

Brendan

Frank sends the Turk first in case he falls.

1000 Space GDCs

Joe doesn't realize other people can't shrug off brain damage like him.

gellaho

Karl's here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man this Stasi isnt going to make it to Argentina if he keeps fucking around ineptly assassinating teens.

gellaho

Isla Khoo enters assassin mode

Brendan

That's the only reason Germans go to Argentina.

gellaho

I can't wait to find out what this equation is

Brendan

Isla Khoo? I barely KNOW Khoo!

1000 Space GDCs

Luckily Ilsa also had a gun, which was more effective than looks.

Brendan

Or what a phoenix is.

FancyShark

It's a town where racists go to die

gellaho

And she's just there to get information?

1000 Space GDCs

She had to quit her softball team after all the Khoo's on first jokes.

gellaho

In any case, exhale

Brendan

Isla Know's on third.

FancyShark

Liquidate only the most dangerous witnesses. So the others are given a stern talking to

Agent of Fortune

BREMER✊

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nah the medium dangerous ones are pureed.

And the least dangerous ones chopped.

FancyShark

Damn you, Bremer! And your bank chain!

gellaho

The Stasi confuses the eighteen year old Frank for security

gellaho

gellaho

Sure

FancyShark

Ich bin ein Narc

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah because eighteen year old clean cut lads who look like cops totally provide security for international criminal organizations.

No wonder the Berlin Wall fell.

gellaho

KARATE

gellaho

FancyShark

His face went erect?

Brendan

Frank steeled himself, growing rigid in every muscle. If it came to it, he would bump these uglies.

Agent of Fortune

Fuck you Strudel, eat some KARATE

gellaho

YYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh thank god it was gems.

I kind of was afraid it would be gold teeth.

FancyShark

Roundhouse to Stasi chin. That makes up for a lot, author.

gellaho

If I'm being honest, I'm not really sure what is happening right now

FancyShark

Frank is bluffing like a pro

gellaho

Frank has decided to take Stutlar's place for...reasons?

1000 Space GDCs

Stolen valor, though

gellaho

I'm still not entirely sure why Joe got caught up in this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm a bit lost on how this fits into their goals of bringing their fathers killers down.

But whatever.

1000 Space GDCs

I don't think Joe does either at this point

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank just kicked a Stasis ass.

gellaho

Frank knows a lot of German

FancyShark

Broke his jaw!

Fuck yes!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha he'll be eating his schnitzel thru a straw.

And all he will taste is the freedom on Franks shoe.

FancyShark

This is the kind of sadistic shit that is only a robot could inflict on a Stasi

gellaho

Are 👏 We 👏 Having 👏 Fun 👏 Kids?

FancyShark

I mean, he's a Stasi. So yeah

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah actually this would have been the good part if I was reading it as a kid.

FancyShark

Don't worry, kids. This will be more cathartic when you're older

Brendan

Well how often do Stasi fight someone who can fight back? They're not Spetznatz

gellaho

We all love gang executions, don't we kids?

Brendan

I bet it's five ruddy shitheads with Lugers knocking on your door at midnight.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Again, yeah this would have been pretty fucking cool for me as a kid.

Brendan

Frank was baffled by what the noise could be. It was a gunshot.

gellaho

Take that as a lesson, boys and girls

FancyShark

"What did you read for Scholastic Book Club?"

"..."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean you dont have to be that creative with problem solving when you can dump the problems in the Rhine with a slug in their head.

FancyShark

Sounds like you have babysitting experience

gellaho

"Ach, nein, I just want to sound as deutsch as possible, mein Herr!"

FancyShark

That's right, author. Give in to temptation. Bring in more nazis.

gellaho

All Germans babble, that's where the word comes from

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank and Joe hijack a functional Panzer IV and mow down Neo Nazis in Berlin? Please?

FancyShark

Because as any American knows, Europe is France, Spatalian, and Nazis

Agent of Fortune

Yeah I want the st. Petersburg tank scene from Goldeneye

gellaho

This book really overemphasized how much was in Germany on the back

gellaho

Which is to say, almost not at all

Brendan

No sir, that's in the bible.

Sissyneck will back me up.

gellaho

Prove that wrong

Brendan

dinnertime. Good luck in the wilds of Queens, new York, USA

FancyShark

Take care, Brendan!

gellaho

They're about to encounter counterfeiters of rap CDs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Enjoy your meal!

gellaho

And ninjas with broadswords

That's the deepest Hardy Boys callback there is

That's how smugglers in New York talk

gellaho

All the New Yorkers from Alabama

Brendan

And they never even transferred at Phoenix.

Dinner is delayed by 5

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah they keep having MAC-10s and its never not funny to me.

gellaho

All these rich characters, like pimple face

1000 Space GDCs

You can basically get in anywhere if you act confidently and carry a clipboard.

And a MAC-10.

gellaho

Frank is definitely skinny, my friend

FancyShark

I'm curious what the author would have done if a third Chinese name was required

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh boy are Cheng and Lu and Fuat in for a time in 90s New York.

gellaho

That's how I get in Disney World

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

FAll back on Wang.

Like every good hack writer.

gellaho

Hand beats gun

gellaho

I guess

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean yeah. This is why you dont gun like you do knife.

FancyShark

wait, how were you planning to stop it without action?

1000 Space GDCs

I approve of karate beating guns as an ethical statement.

gellaho

GREASY CHARLIE!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

But he can wave that MAC-10 around the room all he wants, he's gonna hit maybe ONE person.

Greasy Charlie is a quality criminal nom de guerre.

1000 Space GDCs

There's got to be a 9 syllable German word for 'spray and pray '.

gellaho

Horny for Gems

FancyShark

Why'd they stop attacking?

1000 Space GDCs

They're easily distracted by shiny objects.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All criminals are cowardly and superstitious, and love shiny rocks.

Agent of Fortune

Greasy Charlie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I learned that from Batman.

gellaho

I mean, you are Australian, so criminality is expected

gellaho

JEWELS!

And that's pronounced JEW-ELS

1000 Space GDCs

Wait, he was sentenced to Transportation? How old is he?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jew El is Superman's other cousin.

FancyShark

The Aussie is Fenton. I'm calling it

gellaho

Ilsa is into Greasy Charlie!

FancyShark

Greasy Charlie pulls, dude

gellaho

You are a wise fish

FancyShark

"Anyways, happy birthday, you two"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

WHO COULD HAVE FORSEEN.....oh yeah FancyShark did.

gellaho

"The other reasons are that I hate my family"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nice try Ghostwriter, but you are less perceptive than you need to be.

"Yeah actually dad it was pretty fucked up you faked your death."

FancyShark

"Your sorrow empowers me, my children"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It was vital I let you commit crimes all over Europe and maybe be killed."

gellaho

NOT ETHAN DALY!

gellaho

Who is, uh

Uuuuhhhhhhh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Because as much as I love you and your Mother........whatshername.........I love justice more."

gellaho

Hmmmmmmmm

FancyShark

"I tried repeatedly to run you over to get your attention. I even threw bombs at you. Seriously, how unperceptive are you?"

gellaho

Ethan Daly is the Assistant Commissioner of....

Uh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I feel like this should be a bigger moment than it is.

FancyShark

Was Daly the politician that sent them to Africa?

1000 Space GDCs

"mom's already cancelled all your credit cards and had you declared legally dead. I hope you like paperwork."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

But I flat out do not remember if this guy has been mentioned or not.

FancyShark

If he was, this author owes me and everyone else a fucking refund

gellaho

Shout out to @alfredo disco jakesy (69)

gellaho

Only way I could find this

1000 Space GDCs

He blends in with all the other people annoyed by the Hardys.

FancyShark

Rats. I was close

gellaho

Weep for Greasy Charlie

gellaho

gellaho

Joe would get his actual girlfriend in three books, aka Book #69

FancyShark

She's not evil! That means she's going to die

gellaho

Which is not a joke, but an actual fact

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man he is real mean to Greasy Charlie.

Agent of Fortune

Oh shit Fenton is alive????????

FancyShark

Greasy Charlie is only called that because he got a Five Guys burger once. He's actually quite tidy

LyraV

Right? It felt so flat.

gellaho

Queens is a hive of sum and villainy. Just ask the king

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I vaguely remember this guy now, and if it hadnt been like three books he would have been the obvious ringleader.

gellaho

BAM! Kevin James joke

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit and all this and he could have been Fat Leonard.

FancyShark

Alladyce? I had to follow gellaho's example and check the first book. Alladyce is the one I thought was the big bad

1000 Space GDCs

I only remember alladyce because I made a joke about all of his dice.

Agent of Fortune

ETHAN DALY IS THE SECRET BAD GUY?!?!?!!?

gellaho

Hip, hip, hooray! For our hero, Fuat Dere!

gellaho

Which my phone desperately wanted to be Derek

Agent of Fortune

"Illegals"

Greasy Charlie is Turkish?

Wow

Uh

Hmm

gellaho

Ethan Daly is going to hell tonight

1000 Space GDCs

Wait is red hook in queens? Did the ghost of Lovecraft ghost write this?

FancyShark

Fuat Dere is Turkish. Greasy Charlie is gross.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

KARATE! PUNCH!

Agent of Fortune

KARATE

FancyShark

🥋

Agent of Fortune

PUNCH

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Get Greasy Charlie right in the temple with that ippon ken.

FancyShark

👊

gellaho

These paragraphs need more proper nouns

1000 Space GDCs

Is this paragraph why people are mad about pronouns?

FancyShark

Sam Peterson then orchestrated an international sting operation on a New York cop's budget

Agent of Fortune

Hardy Boys Back 2 the Streets

gellaho

You can punch me in the head anytime, baby

Agent of Fortune

Boo

LyraV

I wish things had been different but you just suck so hard Joe.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I wish things were different Joe. I wish you werent a weird little guy and your brother didnt have a karate duel with my dad that led to his death, kinda."

FancyShark

"Speaking of thick heads..."

"Yes?"

"...............I thought you would know what I was saying"

Agent of Fortune

I just thought of a really awful joke I'm not gonna make

gellaho

"Especially if you forgot all about me by the next book. That would not surprise me at all"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"But we are from different worlds, I'm hot and rich and European. My destiny is to be hot and rich and fuck handsome men, and yours is hamburgers."

gellaho

I wouldn't

Agent of Fortune

I've seen this Cynthia Rothrock movie

FancyShark

Bye, Irene!

gellaho

Joe's got daughters of animators to date

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And she was never seen or heard from again.

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

My appreciation from the skies, bummer I can't see how it ends live

gellaho

Who's clones will then explode in boat bombs

alfredo disco jakesy (69)

Ethan Daly: SET

gellaho

Speaking of ghosts

gellaho

The End

But wait!

LyraV

We should have maybe called her sooner? Nah whatever.

gellaho

What are these last pages devoted to?

gellaho

Glad you asked

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

SUSPENSE!

1000 Space GDCs

Ads?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Thirty pages of Frank describing his favorite sandwiches.

FancyShark

Nancy Drew manga?

gellaho

It's a preview of The Hardy Boys/Tom Swift crossover

FancyShark

WHAAAAAAT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sick.

gellaho

If you are unfamiliar with Tom Swift, that's where TASER comes from

Agent of Fortune

WHOA

LyraV

I instantly heard Rancid in my head.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

ULTRA THRILLER!

gellaho

The reboot looks like this

1000 Space GDCs

Oh shit, he's got an electric rifle.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

FUCK YES