On the highway to the future, one wrong turn can lead straight to disaster!
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gellaho
🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ Poll Time 🚨
Vehicles: a great method of transportation. But hidden within is possible danger! Vote for your favorite vehicular adventure for the Book Cage by using the matching reaction.
🏎️ #91 - Hot Wheels
🏔️ #97 - Pure Evil
🏍️ #104 - Wild Wheels
Chili Con Cookie Javo
oof
this is the hardest one yet
I went hot wheels entirely on the premise of solar car
gellaho
Fun Fact: all three summaries involve grenades
Chili Con Cookie Javo
wait....... BROCKWAY?!?!
FancyShark
hmm
Solar car, certain death via snowmobile, or falling into dirt?
Wait. Joe is clearly about to crash the solar car into a garage. Choice made
FancyShark
No follow up questions
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
oh my god I owned that solar car as an actual hotwheels car
are you telling me it was a promotional tie-in?
Ozzie
Maybe the book was a tie-in for the Hot Wheels car, let's not jump to conclusions.
Fatamatician: The Curator
The Ghost of bing-bong yet to come
Henry
this one has cumberbatch's cheekbones
public jakesy no. 1
Which one has the sticky shadow?
Might want to avoid that one
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
tucker carlson's catholic school yearbook photo
gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 61 The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #91: Hot Wheels
The people have spoken and the resounding winner is a race to danger! Fire, electricity and high-tech terrorism. I wonder if the solar powered terrorist gets picked on by all the real terrorists? Here's a fun activity, count how many ways the back cover says how hot it is. I expect all your answers by this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we compete in the greenest race in history.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway in order to dodge an incoming stun grenade, pin this
Brockway
I'll pin it, but I don't accept the other part of this deal
Gentleman Brendan
I hate Trevor Hardy so much.
Gentleman Brendan
Not even the first Hulk cult in comics.
gellaho
A little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #91: Hot Wheels. Here is the preview
FancyShark
No one told Joe he's on a train
Derpbat
No one tells Joe much. Can you blame them?
gellaho
Time to begin the process. Engage The Book Cage Episode #61
FancyShark
📯
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
My body is ready.
gellaho
Time to melt some brains
FancyShark
Joe tried the orange pills , didn't he?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is trying out that thinking thing everyone keeps talking about but his heat sinks cant keep up.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Nice, just as I was leaving work. By which I mean shifting my chair to look at a different monitor and cracking open a beer.
gellaho
Yeah, you'd want some high school students in there
FancyShark
Which Callie are we on at this point?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm sure the boys have plenty of engineering knowledge to bring to the table
FancyShark
Mk XVIII?
gellaho
Callie's imagination does not extend to the concept of a battery
FancyShark
Well, Frank is mostly AI, so there's gotta be something in there
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Callie is in the pocket of big oil
FancyShark
Callie's next idea: Pedal
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Callie is designing a car but doesnt know that even gas cars have batteries.
'murica.
gellaho
What was that about the electric cord then, Callie?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Tee hee, I did a car!"
FancyShark
"Silence, not-male! We've almost deciphered this message!"
"E? What does 'E' mean?"
gellaho
"The name 'Suntex' is pretty misleading, huh? Anyway..."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Suntex Corp, where, as you know, we make baby oil."
FancyShark
"We briefly used blood, but we try not to remember that summer"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"And Semtex."
gellaho
Hippie hecklers are the worst
FancyShark
Oh that Charles Manson!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You cant hug the Hardy Boys with nuclear arms.
Or something.
gellaho
The name rules are so inconsistent. Air Force Academy, MIT, Dumpster: A-OK. Mitsubishi? You better make up something
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Team Legally Distinct From Japanese Car Manufacturer, headed by.....Bizarro Jimmy Onishi.
FancyShark
Guess we know which institution the writer prefers
gellaho
Check off the redhead box
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A Viking no less.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
4 pages in, is that a record?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its rude of him to be quaffing mead at a public event in front of kids.
LyraV
Hey its a dude this time, yuuuus.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One for the Hardy Ladies.
FancyShark
You tell him he can't do it and that axe goes through your skull
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
*Finger guns.
gellaho
Hope you've memorized all these names
FancyShark
whoa whoa, slow down there, Dixon. You can't expect me to remember a mustache
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Please, call me Elton. Mr. Ecology is my father."
Ba-dum tish.
gellaho
Oh, also German McGermany
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Something something fine German engineering.
FancyShark
One hundred thousaND YEAR EMPIRE!
LyraV
He's here to teach us what's Secretly Incredibly Fascinating about this competition
gellaho
What could possibly go wrong with these experimental cars designed by students?
FancyShark
"And no cheating and sneaking some extra sunlight in boxes with you"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
No prize will be given to next of kin of liquified college students.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the prize will go to whichever car doesn't get flattened by a semi
FancyShark
Thank god he explained that the car with the best scores will win
Oi! @Gentleman Brendan ! Hardy Time!
gellaho
"Be on the lookout, one of the hippies might drug you and cause a freak-out"
FancyShark
Pranks: The Silent Killer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe and Frank are going to put laxatives in someones coffee.
gellaho
MORE NAMES! MORE!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I can't wait for the air force to prank the japanese automotive corporation. Hijinks ensue!
FancyShark
MADDOX! BADUMP BADUMP!
gellaho
MORE NAMES! MORE REDHEADS!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
DOUBLE REDHEAD BOOK!
FancyShark
There will be a test at the end of this book
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the redhead is also a green-eyed babe. This is more familiar territory
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Her name is also Green.
gellaho
Glad to see misogynist Joe back. It's been a long time
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Have they explained why they want the hardys there? are they just hired muscle?
FancyShark
Callie doesn't know anyone else
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sharon is high strung apparently.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh yeah, this callie is fresh out of the vat
FancyShark
"Sharon, you wanted to win by hopscotch. It's just not practical"
gellaho
I'm sure the automobile companies will pay millions for these designs, sure.
FancyShark
The axles are made of only the strongest balsa wood
gellaho
I think most of her extended family or friends have either been robbed blind or murdered by this point
FancyShark
"Natural causes"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"When we said "Solar powered cars" we meant "Soapbox derby racer".
gellaho
She's got a lot of uncles that they've visited over the years
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
One of the cars is just a wagon with a dog tied to it.
Its not even a big dog, but it has a mirror on its back.
gellaho
That's precisely how you flirt with computer dealers, Teresa.
You should know that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh, Teresa is so innocent.
FancyShark
Teresa, if you have tits and you talk to a nerd in the 90s, you just told them you're available
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Field testing your programs" is well known 90s nerd for "Fuck like nasty pigs"
gellaho
Frank likes 'em thicc
FancyShark
That's Frank's way of calling Callie "dead weight"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"I like em big and bouncy." - Frank.
gellaho
This is among the weirder ways to discover a fire
FancyShark
"My anaconda don't want none unless they got buns, hon" - Frank
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Possibly started by all the light refracting surfaces that are apparently dotting the El Paso wastelands.
FancyShark
Fires: Well known for suddenly flashing into existence
LyraV
My moneys on the redhead setting the fire. I know my people.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Getting to the industrial sabotage very quickly!
gellaho
Time to lookup who Mack is
FancyShark
"And by breathing it in, we're all going to die three years earlier"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Goddammit, who's keeping track of the diagram that will tell us who this Mack person is?
gellaho
Well, finally
FancyShark
That takes too much work
"Hey, aren't you the children of a guy I met once?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Aren't you one of those kids that is involved in like every single important thing that happens?"
gellaho
Somebody recognizes the teens who have foiled several international terrorist plots, saved Hollywood productions, and helped the most famous musicians
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Universities are fighting over who gets to examine joe's brain when he dies
FancyShark
I'm calling it now because I want it to happen: They run out of fuel and regain their power through the radiance of Chet
FancyShark
"It's survived so many concussive strikes! Is it a liquid? Is it pebbles?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay how good of an investigator could their dad be if he needs Joe and Frank along to do stuff? Or even allows them near things? Or out of the house?
I think that guy is just being kind.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"SUB......food.....bread.......SUBMARINE SANDWICH! Brilliant thinking Joe!" Said Frank.
FancyShark
"Dur?" replied Joe.
"Yes! Dessert too!"
gellaho
German suitcases are something else
FancyShark
Gutentag, Gunter Hoffer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Pretty soon the doctor starts telling Frank about how his skull is especially Aryan looking.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the german car is very elaborate papercraft
gellaho
Fancy boy snacking
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
frank has fish ova ear to ear
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ohhhhhhh I see why they came. For the buffet.
FancyShark
Mmmm, nothing like caviar that's been sitting in a desert tent
oh wait, motel. Dammit
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hmmmmm, Joe, you simply muuuuuuust try the pate."
gellaho
Joe's battle with the chicken ended in defeat
LyraV
If you consult this elaborate chart, you'll realize who that is.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
How many more times are they going to mention Scott is in a wheelchair? Enter your guess now!
FancyShark
Don't get too close, Scott. Your legs don't move and Joe may mistake that to mean they're edible
LyraV
at least 3
gellaho
A mysterious figure emerges from their motel room. How will this be resolved?
FancyShark
Tackle!
Headbutt!
Explosion!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Well we were going to do anal........oh you are talking about something else."
Callie getting cock blocked by villainy again too.
LyraV
Callie is left to kiss herself goodnight again, much to her relief
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Shes nearly too fresh from the vats to know what kissing is. Nearly.
gellaho
If you guessed pointless room key confusion, congratulations on your psychic gift
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"And so I tackled her and started stomping."
FancyShark
That wasn't embarrassment. Women naturally flee from Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Look dont make a big international incident out of it."
FancyShark
"Now help me pick the braces out of my shoe"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
'Nobody peeps at a Hardy boy twice!"
gellaho
The no disqualification corporate solar race
gellaho
FancyShark
They didn't even blink when he slashed another racer's tires and throat
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm beginning to think these races are less about proving scientific achievement and are more of a Death Race 2000 situation.
FancyShark
I refuse to believe a Hardy Boys book will get that awesome
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ohhhhhh so this is why we don't have solar power.
gellaho
Joe is very invested
FancyShark
Although there was the fart cannon and the ninjas with broadswords...
gellaho
And the exploding computers
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is blabbering all this while Callie keeps trying to angle for that good night kiss.
He falls asleep and she just stands there all night waiting.
gellaho
A whole twelve volts? Calm down, Thor
FancyShark
Callie's going to explode from sexual frustration and give Joe PTSD flashbacks
I think I had a boombox that took more batteries than that
LyraV
Fucking Elon Musk's dumb ass is in the backround furiously taking notes.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Huh I was kidding about the soap box derby racer thing.
gellaho
MIT stole their name from a porn site
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"WELCOME TO THE MIT NEXXXUS! WHERE WE GO FOR SEXXXUS!"
FancyShark
Joe's just looking at ants
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Everything looks like ants to Joe.
LyraV
I think Joe is confusing insects and plants again.
gellaho
I don't know if this "sail" is going to help you get to interstate speeds, my friends
FancyShark
First bug that hits it takes it out of the race
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Unfortunately it was dead calm and would be for the next week, barring any of El Pasos famous sandstorms."
gellaho
Goddamned hippies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Crystal power you dipshit."
FancyShark
The car explodes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Seriously anytime you have a question like "How do you detect bad vibes?" for a hippy, the answer is crystals.
And I get it, shiny rocks are cool.
FancyShark
Meaning meth
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
it's a good thing joe doesn't speak latin
LyraV
Author has clearly never asked someone about their crystals because they will tell you if you ask.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Not exclusively, some are just real into quartz.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"This one is amethyst and it symbolizes inner peace and mlerh mlerh....."
gellaho
That seems like something you could cram in a couple of suitcases, sure
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Schmidt has made a fatal error in that Texas is not a 100% flat surface, so better hope he never has to offroad.
FancyShark
Dr. Schmidt is that asshole passenger that insists his luggage is carry-on and refuses to get it checked, then holds up everyone while he tries to get it in the overhead bin
gellaho
Very weird, ghostwriter
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe being entirely appropriate about a girl, for once.
FancyShark
"I'm calling you a pedophile, Joe. It's an insult. Brother humans insult each other to hide affection."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
renata was still in front of them for that exchange, and is now deeply worried
gellaho
Really putting no effort into that name
FancyShark
Still better than "Frying Dragon"
gellaho
"Ugh, Japanese name...eh, I'll just use the first idea I have"
Oh, the seventh of the pornographic cars
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Toxic fumes because they are using a 100% green reclaimed WW2 Submarine battery.
gellaho
The air force gets no nickname because I couldn't think of anything
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
those batteries put more lead in the atmosphere than leaded gasoline
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"The Nexxxus Mks 1-6 removed the dicks when people tried to sexxxus."
FancyShark
The Air Force Academy's...Car!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair, its the AIR Force Academy, they barely understand wheels.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the air force is going to pull a prank where they mount a GAU-8 on their car
FancyShark
Somehow it ends with Goose dying again
gellaho
How very ecological to have three times as many vehicles following the solar cars
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It costs 35 million dollars and can shoot down anything Ivan can field..........so we use it to bomb goat herders.
FancyShark
This isn't Death Race. This is Fury Road
gellaho
Gatorade would not sign off on this
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"It's like Monster, but 20 years early and causes 10% more kidney stones."
FancyShark
This is after the volleyball player died at the sport drink tournament. The Hardys are blacklisted
gellaho
The nerds at MIT heard that Frank had a girlfriend
FancyShark
"We shall dissect you, Automaton!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God maybe theyll just hit him with the door as they go by.
FancyShark
Such a fun prank
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or they skid to a stop and mock Frank for being a dork.
gellaho
"Frank immediately fell in love with this hunk"
FancyShark
And exploded?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Their eyes meet and Frank hears "Dream Weaver".
Wait is this a goddam anime meet-cute?!
IT FUCKING IS!
gellaho
The nerds at MIT finally got to talk to a girl, and this happens. What a shame
FancyShark
Just think about baseball, Jeff
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Looking at his damaged creation with horror, never crossing his mind he nearly ran over a guy."
FancyShark
Peels a child out of the grill. "Oh no! The chrome!"
gellaho
"I know it's those lumberjacks in the air force!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair that is entirely in line with what I think of MIT students.
Lol no, the Air Force job is if you get blown up by a Hellfire RX-9 knife missile.
FancyShark
What are the stakes for this race?
FancyShark
"Oops"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Science bragging rights and the admiration of the sexy.
gellaho
"Our sky goddess demands pranks"
FancyShark
"Like when they blow up a school in the Middle East"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Look, we are the AIR FORCE! We don't do land stuff, except for shirtless volleyball!"
gellaho
Sharon is just plowing through these teams
FancyShark
awwww, yeeeeaaaahhh
oh, wait
She might just be killing them
gellaho
"That hussy!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Wizard" with "electronics"
FancyShark
Frank immediately...does not have sex with Callie
gellaho
Frank's love affair did not last
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank sobbing into his pillow, choking out the lyrics to Dream Weaver while Callie just stares.
FancyShark
"He told me he never saved anyone before"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"His jacket was so cool! And he had those cool sunglasses!"
gellaho
Suntex immediately loses billions in the stock market
FancyShark
Callie's trying to figure out how to turn the situation sexy but can't get Dream Weaver out of her head
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This Callie will be humming it as she goes into the reclamation vat.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
barrington uses the second shot to kneecap another team's driver
as a prank
gellaho
Joe is unfamiliar with these colorful drinks
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Yes our race is prone to sabotage and that holds back the progress, but its not like we make the rules or anything. Its a free country!"
On an unrelated note, a friend in high school had a 1986 Volvo station wagon that could do a max of 45mph.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the air force car closes to firing range
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also its the Interstate, the speed limit is like 70 or 80. Get that fucker off the interstate, its not street legal.
Gentleman Brendan
I had an '87 volvo. It was like a two-minute ordeal to hit 65.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Some poor Texan gets caught in a Hardy Boy related traffic jam.
FancyShark
He's getting flipped off by so many RVs
Gentleman Brendan
It was niiiiiiiiiice in winter though.
Warm and heavy. Ladies, welcome to New England.
FancyShark
My friend's volvo got in a head-on collision with a modern minivan. The minivan's whole front crumpled. His left headlight bent slightly
gellaho
I can't believe they rotated the dial and figured out our frequency
FancyShark
Oh shit. These guys are good
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
How could they have cracked our none security protocols?!
FancyShark
We better hope they don't figure out the doors don't have locks
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God help us if they discover we dont guard the car.
gellaho
A helicopter comes in and fucks up the sponsor car
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Whoops.
FancyShark
Classic prank
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the car lands in opposing traffic, killing dozens
FancyShark
Courtesy John Landis
gellaho
I feel like the armed forces have better things to do
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Well who could have forseen that making a car like a WW1 biplane would have serious consequences?!
Gentleman Brendan
Chopper beats Hippie, that's just facts, the '60s proved that.
FancyShark
It's a Blackhawk. Someone really wants that car stopped
LyraV
'It looked like Starscream to me.'
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Why are these fuckers blaming everything on the Air Force?! DO THEY NOT SUPPORT THE TROOPS!?
Gentleman Brendan
I didn't pilot a Huey in Nam for Joe Freakout to let the SUN deliver MY beloved AMERICA into a glorious green FUTURE
gellaho
Now, which part of the southwest is this?
FancyShark
The forests of the desert
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
seems like a really poorly chosen route
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
YEs the majestic Las Cruces forest.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
maybe run your solar car race in the sun
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or like......give it batteries.
gellaho
Frank loves German efficiency
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Real ones and not the kind for an RC car.
FancyShark
Scott will take any opportunity to talk efficiency. And he's got a captive audience
gellaho
Worth millions of dollars are these designs
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Aw its nice how they say "Teresa's and Callie's" calculations when we know this Callie hasnt been out of the vat long enough to learn math.
Gentleman Brendan
Hill country.
This race takes longer to read than it would to run.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Shut the fuck up, Callie, we already made that joke!
You silly moo.
FancyShark
brb
gellaho
"Why would the police be in any rush to get anywhere? Why not a sensible 45 on the interstate?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
did they tell the highway patrol about the race?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
New Mexico Highway Patrol, someone saw some suspiciously Latino people minding their own business and had to respond.
gellaho
An accident on the highway? Impossible!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Why........why would they not be able to send you a message? Frank? You know how radios work, Frank, your dad is SOME kind of cop.
Gentleman Brendan
Nobody told the New Mexico troopers about the solar race?
gellaho
This seems like a terrible way to win a race
FancyShark
So someone made a...mess of Schmidt?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh you have fucked up if you want Joe to do anything smart.
The only smart thing a Hardy Boy does is spread spores.
gellaho
The ghostwriter already forgot they wrote this
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You can feel the ghostwriter longing to stop writing this shit and go watch Cannonball Run.
gellaho
"Should we stop the race? Absolutely not!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
if only they had some sort of airborne observer
FancyShark
"How can I get Dom DeLuise in this?"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Whats a little flammable liquid and explosive danger to our very light and probably wooden vehicles? Hardy Boys are immune to flame!
(Hardy Boys are very much not immune to flame.)
gellaho
Kind of seems like you figured out the answer to the question, Scott
gellaho
Oh, they absolutely are
FancyShark
Is the gas truck supposed to show how worthless fossil fuel vehicles are compared to the race cars?
gellaho
They have survived so, so many explosions
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
That means they have a really good Dex saving throw.
FancyShark
Or a shitload of HP
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or a handy NPC to sacrifice.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
I think they just have infernal heritage
gellaho
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
FancyShark
duuuuuuuuude
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
joe watches in fascination as the driver flails around, engulfed in flame
FancyShark
"Haha, so inefficient!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
If only gas powered cars were so convenient as to have to not drive under trees or risk losing power.
What a world we would be in.
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
That's why they're in eastern New Mexico
gellaho
Scheiße
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
this is why real races have marshalls
FancyShark
Joe catches a brief glimpse of Schmidt at the controls, masturbating furiously
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
ACH! MEIN LIEBEN!
Gentleman Brendan
ach
ach
ACH
aaaach
DU LIEBST MICH
MEIN GOT
LyraV
The Red Baron tips his wings in their honor.
Gentleman Brendan
MEIN KLEINE HARDEN
gellaho
The German car flips, but survives. Weird that these flimsy ass cars keep flipping without hurting anyone
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
90% of the weight is the roll cage.
FancyShark
And the Gasoline Truck Planter sneaks away, unseen
gellaho
I'm sure the hammock provided a lot of safety
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fuck me they let that poor 13 year old girl watch her dad nearly die in a firey car crash.
FancyShark
She's only got about five years before she explodes anyway. Best to get used to it
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Did you? Did you try and warn him Frank? Because I'm getting mixed messages about you guys ability to understand how to use radios.
FancyShark
How did you try to warn him, Frank? Was it when you said "Hey, there's Dr. Schmidt!" to no one?
gellaho
Mack out here listening to RHCP
FancyShark
"This is Fresh Air. I'm Terry Gross."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
good thing they worked the boombox into their weight calculations
FancyShark
He's only allowed to listen to light jazz
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
His downfall will be he has to stop and change cassette tapes every half hour.
gellaho
I know it's going to say air-conditioning, but it really should say airbags
FancyShark
"Or seatbelts"
Gentleman Brendan
Immortan Joe cannot permit the SUB to exist. It is a threat to his power.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you, no it cant accellerate faster, fuck you. Its got the batteries of an RC car!
gellaho
They really forgot about that patrol following them, huh
gellaho
Don't introduce more Joes
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe.......do you understand what a race is? Do you think......do you think they just did this without permission from the Highway Patrol and shit?!
FancyShark
Just then, Joe remembers the 30 kilos of cocaine he was smuggling in the trunk
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
it kind of seems like they did
Gentleman Brendan
THIS IS THE POLICE STOP DEFYING THE STATE OF SOCIETY PULL OVER AND USE GAS
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
like the race didn't stop for a fire on the track
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe will be okay because his lily white skin will protect him, from the law if not from the desert heat.
gellaho
"You know, that military equipment they sell in electronics stores"
gellaho
RadioShack has so many state secrets
FancyShark
"Also, there's a claymore mine in he-"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair, military common use hardware isn't as advanced as people think.
Gentleman Brendan
Some saboteur timed our radio to go out a 3pm but didn't disable the "radio on" light.
gellaho
"Don't ask why I didn't build it this way in the first place"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Our nuclear launch capabilities depend on like six floppy disks.
Per missile.
FancyShark
"Kinda seems like you could even build yourself some new legs with that much skill, Scott!"
"..."
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Teresa is starting to think maybe she should let Scott "field test her programs"
gellaho
Well, this is the longest wait for the anticlimax I've seen
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Im sure its just a donut run.
FancyShark
Racing while observing the speed limit is like stopping a duel every time a blow lands
gellaho
I'm sure the twelve year olds appreciated these geographic references
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe plays GTA and never gets past the tutorial because he wont break the law.
gellaho
So fencing?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
wouldn't want to break the law during your death race
FancyShark
IT'S SO BORING! WHY DO THEY MAKE SWORDFIGHTING SO BORING?!
gellaho
The answer is France
The ghostwriter has a thing about insect metaphors
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Great teamwork on the Franceposting!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe just thinks of other humans as insects.
FancyShark
And Frank sees them as meat. Filthy, unclean meat
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
is the press covering the flaming wreckage on the track?
gellaho
It makes sense these college students would want Joe on this team
FancyShark
They're getting so many human interest stories out of the collateral damage
Joe, that was your SAT score
gellaho
You really want those D-level algebra students
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is so proud of his D.
gellaho
I'm sure the kids appreciated this
FancyShark
Children demand statistics
They can't get enough
gellaho
Kids love gallium
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Gallium-arsenide!
gellaho
I'm glad we were introduced to all those people, just to knock half of them off
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Friend to all the children!
FancyShark
We're observing slasher movie rules
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the silicon batteries are just rocks with a + sign sharpied on
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Are they gonna reveal that the Suntex car is being put in a gas powered truck and moved to fake better results?
gellaho
Mitsubishi and the hippies are not performing well
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Team Air Force planning their post race shirtless volleyball tournament.
FancyShark
hahaha, Japanese could never make an efficient car! Hi, I'm the ghost writer
gellaho
There is no way for you to know that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Hey Japan, hows your solar sushi mobile? I thought you guys were the Land of the Rising Sun?!"
FancyShark
Unless...Callie's bad at math?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Callie you keep saying "We" and what you mean is "Scott and Teresa"
Your DNA is so fucked up your IQ is jam.
You're lucky you even have bones.
gellaho
Can? Was I mistaken, is this the Dew?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Theres a reason you are going into the reclamation vats.
gellaho
Nah, Joe would be all about the Dew
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Shit it really is an anachronistic Monster energy.
FancyShark
Joe would definitely do the Dew
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also GO-GET-EM has big 90s search engine energy.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
scott's chair is more powerful than his car
gellaho
"High jinks?" OK, this ghostwriter is definitely 90 years old
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It could be a strong Lycos competitor.
OH NOW he is concerned his no rules sabotage fest might not produce a viable product.
Gentleman Brendan
This '90s tale feels very 2010s
FancyShark
"They are up to so much tomfoolery and goings on"
Gentleman Brendan
solar ev cars and energy drinks
FancyShark
wait, they're getting prostitutes?
gellaho
Snake attack
FancyShark
Ladies...
oh, an actual snake
gellaho
Hey, Larry, where were you keeping that snake?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The Hardy Boy has poor eyesight, and cannot distinguish the rattlesnake from the cheeseburger which is his natural prey.
FancyShark
Larry was showing a cute girl his snake when he lost control and it went wild. What's so weird?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh, larry's a snake guy. that poor reporter
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
There is so much wrong with this.
Like first, Joe you dont use a fucking clipboard to kill a rattlesnake.
FancyShark
I like that he's lecturing the snake
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also fuck that guy for defanging a snake, that shit is not cool.
I hope he dies in a trademark Hardy Boys explosion.
FancyShark
He gives the snake jawbreakers, just to be a dick
gellaho
The hippie comes by to warn about a protest. The ghostwriter reveals they don't know what an oil rig is
gellaho
gellaho
Unless there are Indian Reservations in the ocean
Gentleman Brendan
Ecology enthusiasts hate when oil companies change their ways.
FancyShark
Or Suntex is flooding the communities first
gellaho
The name Suntex continues to make no sense
FancyShark
Are they based in Texas?
Otherwise, I've got nothing
or wait
gellaho
I have no information about their incorporation
FancyShark
Sun Tech -> Sun Techs -> Suntex (because 90s)
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Legally Distinct From Sunoco Fictional Oil Company.
Gentleman Brendan
Suntexx
gellaho
Very concise description of the Hardy Boys
FancyShark
Suntexx After Dark: Wait, we have no power
gellaho
That's the MIT car
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"WE ARE MIT! WELCOME TO THE NEXXXUS WHERE WE HAVE SEXXXUS COURTESY OF SUNTEXXXUS!"
FancyShark
"Joe's a real pig, it's true."
gellaho
FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!
FancyShark
The restaurant staff all make the sign of the cross
Gentleman Brendan
Joe sounds like he has life all figured out.
I AM JOE
gellaho
Psychotic
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sadly Joe is immune to the sign of the cross and the warding gesture that prevents the Evil Eye.
FancyShark
Aren't there tornadoes in that part of the country?
gellaho
Oh, hi Simon
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"shorting device"?
FancyShark
If Larry turns out to actually be the villain, I will be pissed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The fuck does that mean, ghostwriter?!
Gentleman Brendan
You needed to bug their radio? Dude, get a scanner.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Larry's are the villain of their own lives.
FancyShark
Or just turn to their frequency
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
you're the airforce, just get an AWACs circling overhead
Gentleman Brendan
I know this because my uncles had one and we'd listen to boat guys talk about buying hooers the same year this book came out
gellaho
I don't think the Counting Crows are all that bass heavy
FancyShark
The entire band was accidentally shot by prop guns
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe barged in on Mack and Sharon because he thought they'd be fucking and he wasnt having any of that.
He just SAID it was cos of the investigation thing or whatever.
gellaho
If he's not picking the music, why'd he have the boombox in the first place?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sharon........that isnt how that works.
Gentleman Brendan
Cool guys refer to them as The Crows
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
good thing he doesn't have to listen to a radio or anything
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, I learned that when I was following Dave and the band around the country.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sharon thinks cars run by Ork rules.
Kept demanding they paint it red.
gellaho
Uh oh, Green Latern's gone rogue
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
maybe your car would go faster if you didn't have to power a subwoofer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God please tell me some bright spark has finally decided to irradiate the Hardy Boys!
gellaho
Hippie fight!
Gentleman Brendan
There's no Sinestro giphy but pretend
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Elton! I remember him! Mr. Ecology!
FancyShark
Larry's standup doesn't do well in Chernobyl
LyraV
Too much absinthe.
Gentleman Brendan
Elton Mersk, ecology millionaire
gellaho
Goddamned hippies
Gentleman Brendan
the ritual!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
When you get in a fistfight with a guy named Kyle its a 50% chance it was because of weed.
Gentleman Brendan
Kyle heard you were talking to his girl KYLE I TOLD YOU IN MAY WE WERE OVER come on babe i've grown
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"HE HAS MOCKED ME! AND I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!"
FancyShark
"Soon all creation shall bow to SUNTEX!"
gellaho
Well. This has taken a strange turn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the fight was an excuse to get the lock of hair the ritual called for
FancyShark
Did we change books?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait what? They are brothers but dont have the same last name?! Thats a bit complicated for a Hardy Boys book.
Where are the American values?!
Implied divorce?!
My worldview is crumbling.
gellaho
A rare time I agree with Joe
FancyShark
If we knew who Mossport and Barrington were, I'm sure we'd be shocked
Gentleman Brendan
My third biggest memory of New Mexico is goddamn hippies, so it tracks.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
AKA The Jack Parsons method of science.
gellaho
Hippie and billionaire, respectively
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Later he will go jerk off in the desert to summon a sex elemental.
slash antichrist.
gellaho
"You're not my dad, brother!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Even Aleister Crowley thinks Mossport is a dweeb.
FancyShark
gellaho
Meanwhile:
FancyShark
Only a Hardy could lose a fight with an appliance
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is slipping back into his Jigsaw trap habit.
They lose 10% of Callies this way.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
frank forgets to unplug the hair dryer before touching the exposed wiring
gellaho
"They sure have sucked so far, I'm sure they are behind all this"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man the ghost writer keeps being so subtly racist.
"VEry calm, the Japanese."
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, it's impressive and also despairing how little NM changed in 20 years
FancyShark
"I suspect those sneaky Japanese," my character says. Hi, ghost writer again
Gentleman Brendan
Not like it needed to quit a good thing, only that its solar and cult progress are at the same level from 1990 to 2010.
LyraV
I was born there and DO have a rainbow pyramid within arms reach.
gellaho
Frank doesn't trust the hippies
Gentleman Brendan
Like is this our entire nation? Just stuck in Bill Clinton's last year?
But now with smartphones?
FancyShark
Makes sense for the robot to not trust the hippies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
wait, you think the guy that bugged your radio is on your side?
Gentleman Brendan
Hippies are famously anti-robot
gellaho
Luckily the Germans have been taken out, so the two can't team up. That never ends well
FancyShark
Dream Weaver, remember
gellaho
YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank whispers into his pillow "I believe you can get me thru the night, Lawrence."
FancyShark
FINALLY
gellaho
The explosion quota has been reached
Gentleman Brendan
Jesus
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ah, there we are.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wow they just said it was a bomb too, like no fucking around or anything.
Gentleman Brendan
He slept well until a bomb hurled him across the room. It occurred two hours later.
FancyShark
And we even got an open admission he's a robot
Gentleman Brendan
So matter of Frank.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm not a writer but........that seems like a bad way to write that event.
Straightforward tho, have to give it that.
gellaho
Luckily the Hardys are still highlanders
Gentleman Brendan
I am, and that's "It's midnight, I'm going to bed, I'll mail this in the morning" writing.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"BOOOOOOOORN TO BE KINGS, WE ARE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!"
LyraV
Cassie made it through this one so they put her clone revival program on hold.
FancyShark
It does read like someone screwed up an entry for KISS
gellaho
Did an alien write this?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Third mention of Scott being in a wheelchair for no reason.
FancyShark
Hey
Hey
Everyone
Scott's crippled
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He better jump out of that fucker and kick a dude in the throat or I'm going to think this wasn't a Chekovs wheelchair.
Ooooh or do like in that Alien movie that isnt good and have his chair secretly be parts of a shotgun.
gellaho
He's used to being bombed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank can tie Scott to his back!
FancyShark
AKA The Only Good Part of Alien Resurrection that wasn't Ron Perlman
gellaho
It's surpassed that. I don't show everything
Gentleman Brendan
Wheelchair pilot is a dope way to own it though.
FancyShark
Sounds like the Suntex...has set
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's jazz, its about the wheelchairs you dont mention.
gellaho
It's very weird that Sharon is such a part of this book, but none of the main characters have spoken to her
FancyShark
Wow, she networks crazy good
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its almost like you should have asked some questions about the redhead instead of admiring her ass, Joe.
gellaho
Donkey Mountains, donuts. Got it
gellaho
Excues me, doughnuts
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Thirty different kinds" is a hell of a Hardy humblebrag.
gellaho
Because this author is either 90 or not American
Gentleman Brendan
Sharon was dead the whole time!
FancyShark
Joe licked each one and only ate the ones he liked
Gentleman Brendan
30 kinds of doughnuts is both heaven and hell
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also this was Joes "report"
Gentleman Brendan
because one doughnut will fill you up
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like he needed the rest of the crew to know about the donuts he ate.
gellaho
What with spelling hijinks "high jinks" and donuts "doughnuts." If I see yoghurt, I'll know for sure
Gentleman Brendan
So it's one moment of paradise, 29 joys never known
Doughnuts is correct
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Doing it the correct way is un-American.
Gentleman Brendan
Donuts is a consequence of Dunkin overrunning America. My phone dictation did this to me yesterday and I was irked.
SO NOW I AM VINDICATED
gellaho
I don't know if I agree with that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Counterpoint: Super Mario World, Donut Plains.
gellaho
This sounds like somebody who spells color with u's
That bomb is so inconvenient
FancyShark
Again with the recharge time
This book was written by a posh robot
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Either it is a robot confession or the ghost writer is trying to be subtly on theme.
FancyShark
I think we know which
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cos solar power>battery> Recharge
My vote is for robot confession tbh because that is cooler.
gellaho
Another indication that the artist didn't read the book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also more funny if the Hardy Boys are a Small Wonder style pair of androids and every so often Joe has to go into a field and open a hatch in his torso and shovel out the mangled food he eats to pass as human.
gellaho
Not a lot of waving room
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
what kind of race staggers start times by 5 minutes?
FancyShark
He shatters the glass and it delays the start another hour
gellaho
You won't say hijinks, but minitornadoes is cool?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He wont stop picking at the stiches so the doctors have to put him in mittens.
FancyShark
SEE?!
Those guys made a bet about ANY kind of wind knocking the one car off course and there were goddamn tornadoes!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh NOW Lawrence is acting like he cares.
Frank is so confused.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
this interstate is like a mario kart track
gellaho
Wow what a conflict
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Use the blue shell Joe!
BLUE SHELL!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
of course, now the dust buildup on the panels means he'll be dead in the water
FancyShark
Hi. Ghost writer again. Please consider me for your Death Race and Mad Max scripts. Please.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
GO-GET-EM paid handsomely for this product placement for a fictional brand.
FancyShark
"You're not funny!"
"Get off the stage!"
"Freebird!"
gellaho
Fancy snacking
FancyShark
The public cannot be subjected to the sight of Joe eating
LyraV
You kids and your Go Get Em drinks. In my day we drank coffee black and ate sandwiches and chips 15 times a day.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It looks like a lamprey attaching itself to a cow heart.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
hey, I had sandwiches and chips for lunch
gellaho
This is a weird move for ecological protestors
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Such a simple lunch, its practically Amish.
FancyShark
"Fuck solar power!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Those goddam eco warriors and their tire fires."
"We don't know who started the war, but we do know it was us who scorched the skies."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they're using the bonfires to light the tips of their arrows
gellaho
What proceeds is a bold plan
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We thought the Hardy Boys couldn't survive without an energy source as abundant as the sun."
gellaho
That plan being: "Hey, fuck it"
FancyShark
Mystery Machine down
gellaho
"There are clearly no rules, so why not"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Libertarian races suck.
gellaho
I'm sure the people in charge will care based on past evidence
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
too bad we didn't inform the police about our experimental car race.
FancyShark
Callie swallows the paper
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's all sabotage and "Nuh uuuuh, nothing is against the rules! That flag has a fringe on it, you can't try me in this court!"
"I knew using Callie 876-2Bs brain to keep her writing skills would be useful!"
gellaho
How do you gasp in frustration?
FancyShark
Shock at inconvenience
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol well it is the 90s and computers were "down" like six thousand percent of the time.
LyraV
'Have you tried turning it off and back on again?'
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tho I dunno what the fuck they thought a computer had to do with it, they would have just radioed in to someplace and had a clerk go look in the file.
gellaho
Definitely an old man writing this
FancyShark
The hell does that mean?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol Mata Hari.
gellaho
Yeah, go-fer seals it
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i don't get how that reference makes sense in that context
FancyShark
We need a name for our bad guy. Ideas?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sneed Fergleson.
gellaho
"She's like the femme-fatale of Mata Haris, babe"
FancyShark
Too complicated
What's a name for a guy?
A really good name for a guy?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
🤔 How about Guy?
LyraV
Dude Finkleburger?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Guy..........something.......
FancyShark
It's good. "Guy". I like it. But it needs something
gellaho
Millions of dollars for this technology
FancyShark
hahaha, they lost
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh Scotts wheelchair hums now?
Fancy.
FancyShark
And it's sweaty
gellaho
It certainly does, seems like you should have spent more than half a page on it
gellaho
It has been the whole time. Here's some poetry from page 13
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lyrical.
You hurtled past "pretty weird" after a bomb went off, maybe an increased level of suspicion is warranted?
FancyShark
This writer made a Cannonball Run and tried to rework it into a Hardy Boys book
gellaho
Jesus, these hippies suck
FancyShark
They're miles back, waving crystals at their engine, which has burst into flames
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I just want one of the "eco warriors" to throw a molotov at someone.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh no, the eco warriors screwed over the hippies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The hippy clan wars of the 90s were dark times.
Crystals everywhere.
gellaho
How dare someone leave the tent
FancyShark
Hackey sacks strewn like confetti
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"My theory still isn't firm." Callie would take care of that for you if you let her.
gellaho
Fuckin hippies
FancyShark
They all have lymphoma now
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
hippies shed crystals like my cats shed hair
gellaho
Callie's secret theory is the most obvious suspect
FancyShark
I hope it's actually Scott and that motherfucker walks
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe and Frank are shocked that Callie suspects something that obvious, her brain is far ahead of their timetable.
gellaho
Lol
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they have better equipment, money and personnel than the US Military
FancyShark
Yes, Callie. They're trying to confuse you so you don't solve the case
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair, the US Military is like 80% halfwit teens who are armed and drunk.
gellaho
A subconscious peek?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh shit lawrence is an mkultra guy
FancyShark
"Freudian slip" would have been closer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank loves Lawrence so much he is convinced he has psychic powers.
DREAAAAAAAM WEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVERRRRR!
gellaho
Uh oh, Joe's liable to be hypnotized
FancyShark
"Prreeeccccciiiioooouuuuuussssssssss"
Then he eats it
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
joe begins to hear whispering in his mind, coming from the crystal
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I immediately imagined him like slooooowly putting it in mouth.
gellaho
RIP the troops
gellaho
FancyShark
Think of the food, Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is sad because his new boyfriend is gone.
gellaho
Looks like Scott is joining the hippies
FancyShark
His heart is comin' apart
gellaho
I've devoted my life to making driving less safe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Scott........now......I dunno how to say this but.......maybe you should stop beliving in talismans? You uh.......lets say you have two good reasons not to.
FancyShark
Okay, I read that as "drunk driver plowing his family" and got very worried
He's the hero I-75 deserves
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Scott.........how is a rules free pro sabotage death race going to change how people approach driving?
Also your car is wildly unsafe.
FancyShark
uh...solar panels?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
he's making cars too shitty to hit 80
gellaho
Frank and Joe struggle to understand "green." As though that's not a last name they've been using constantly
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Scott prefers traveling families be shredded by fragments of solar panels instead.
FancyShark
And now they have lymphoma too
gellaho
Sharon gets around
gellaho
This book is almost over and they still haven't talked to her
FancyShark
hahaha, Japanese can't speak English. Hi, ghost writer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ghost writer showing admirable restraint not switching Ls and Rs like I can feel him straining to do.
gellaho
He did the same thing with the Germans
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He goes on to write the advisor barks for Shogun 2.
FancyShark
The editor probably had to explain that WW2 was over several times
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"SHAMEFUR DISPRAY!"
God Shogun 2 had bad voice acting.
gellaho
Triple check the redhead box
Gentleman Brendan
Guy Riley, red-haired suntex crew member is my business card!
This inner light/vibration bullshit absolutely tracks.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
not having a generator in the car is kind of the whole point though
gellaho
Hippies famously hate gold
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Yup thats genuine crystal hippy dippy bullshit.
FancyShark
The Legend of Hippy's Gold
Gentleman Brendan
Hippies only like gold for its medicinal value
gellaho
Boom boxes ward off ghosts
Gentleman Brendan
COOL GUY ALERT
FancyShark
For a book about a race, this feels very slow
gellaho
It must be that sick bass
Gentleman Brendan
No, Sharon was the ghost.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is having a stroke.
FancyShark
Please let it be that the boombox means they have extra batteries
Gentleman Brendan
Joe redirects all his energy away from having a stroke into hatred of women
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The heat is getting to him or something because.......boom box = Superior performance is just peak nonsense for 1990s
gellaho
I'll bet it's the future hippies from Time Blender
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's too early for Twitter to revolutionize stupid things to say.
Gentleman Brendan
I love that the crime is BREAKING THE LIMITS for solar EV capacity.
These crooks found a way to make electric cars go 500 miles at a respectable speed.
They'll undermine America's oil industry! The Communists will win!
Gentleman Brendan
Green clouds are tornadoes.
It happened to me in the Bronx. Weird shit.
FancyShark
It happens here too. It's scary
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe.......do you think hippies control the weather?!
gellaho
So far I have not seen respectable speeds
Gentleman Brendan
Well if driving cautiously isn't "cool" then I guess I'm just a big lame.
FancyShark
Hippies. Druids. What's the difference?
gellaho
Seems like seventy will destroy these balsa wood vehicles
Gentleman Brendan
A curved dagger.
I assume the cars can't handle high speeds because they need to be light enough to run on the riches of Sol?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sixty five is almost highway speed here, but Iowa has actual wind on a regular basis so it wouldnt work here.
FancyShark
True!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It would be funny to watch one of those dipshits hit a twelve point buck doing fifty five tho.
gellaho
Millions of dollars
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They're shaped so that they fly off like a kite and the slightest breeze
FancyShark
They market it as "wind propelled"
Gentleman Brendan
These really are soap box derby cars
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol hand operated windshield wiper is so jank I cant even.
You guys really reinvented the car, but in a literal way.
gellaho
Ah, deadly danger
Gentleman Brendan
Even that is a euphemism for "Squeegee under the glove box"
gellaho
Suddenly: Zeus
FancyShark
Too bad you don't know anyone heavy that could weigh the car down more, Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Later they find Joe in a tree six miles away.
Gentleman Brendan
Why does this novel hate the promise of clean energy?
FancyShark
It was written by someone bitter that they stopped using whale oil
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, plainly there is a two-explosions-per mandate.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe why are you smiling like a dork about some woman youve never spoken to?!
gellaho
Probably because a book about the success of clean energy would be extremely dull
Gentleman Brendan
If you can't find a computer, summon lightning.
Gentleman Brendan
I AM BEGGING FOR DULL
gellaho
I'm sure you could find several academic papers to satisfy your urge
Meanwhile: nothing
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I dunno I imagine a competent author could construct a pretty cool thriller around clean energy and capitalists struggling to control it.
Gentleman Brendan
I can't comprehend science, I write comic books for the internet.
FancyShark
A competent author could at least write something that didn't feel like a guy rambling about a road trip in between occasional opinions on alternate fuel
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe has to be the luckiest robot ever, how did that lightning bolt miss his car and metal body and hit the very nonmetallic cactus?!
Or like......a power line?
Methinks the ghost writer doesn't know how lightning works.
gellaho
You're driving like 150 miles per day, I don't know how much a tiny generator is going to help
Gentleman Brendan
It's very simple. The cactus is more electrifying than Joe.
FancyShark
Joe doesn't notice the miles and miles of extension cord running out the back of the Suntex car
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe is just now figuring this out.
Gentleman Brendan
Okay, but like...you could STILL hook the generator up to a solar roof and slot it in the car, let's focus on what matters.
gellaho
Fuel is also more weight
Gentleman Brendan
i guess that's a capacitor.
gellaho
And would produce toxic fumes inside the car
Gentleman Brendan
or a battery, I already explained my position on Science.
FancyShark
There's no question these cars suck
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
🤔 That still.....seems like a pretty big achievement? Also winning or losing......arent you driving a car powered by six twelve volt batteries, Joe? That's kind of a big deal.
gellaho
Magic boom box
gellaho
Also, I'm pretty sure the bass is what takes up the most energy
it can like literally vibrate your body
FancyShark
From now on, every time my neighbors show up at 1am with their subwoofer blaring, I'm going to run out and yell at them for making excess electricity
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also.......generator the size of a boom box that can power a car......seems impressive on its own.
Gentleman Brendan
Gonna drive my balsawood car straight through their living room.
goddamit marie it's a hair dryer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
This is a hybrid car? Are they mad about hybrid cars? Because there are no rules in this race, why is this motherfucker a problem?
gellaho
Stop saying bass guitars. Nobody uses more than one
gellaho
What would be the point
FancyShark
Shows what you know, gellaho. My all-bass band the Lo Tones is getting a gig any day now
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
You can drop the bass cascade style if you have like six bass guitars.
gellaho
Bass guitars also don't twang
Gentleman Brendan
Really going the extra solar-powered mile to ruin this fraud's life.
gellaho
What? No. What?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
that seems unnecessary
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Okay I like how a bomb went off, and that was no big deal, but the mini generator is a step too far in this no rules solar death race.
gellaho
The power to use a hair dryer does not equal the power to drive a car
Gentleman Brendan
hear me out -- what IF the car was made of dreams?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
or they could just point to the generator and say 'look, a generator'
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Callie has been in the sun too long and her vital matrixes are starting to dissolve, she can taste death.
LyraV
Did they all just start laughing or awkwardly staring at each other like 'Someone tell her.'
FancyShark
"If it can run my Foreman Grill, it can power Detroit!"
gellaho
This is among the worst excuses I've seen for a crime
Gentleman Brendan
I only committed fraud to hide my other fraud.
FancyShark
Mack the Whiny Bitch
gellaho
It's that Sharon woman, who we barely know and has been mostly in the background
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
And the bomb was just the Air Force guys having some fun, it had nothing to do with Mack.
And Sharon is on some Theranos level grift shit, by the time these dipshits figured out she didnt have the secret to limitless clean energy she would be on her way to Argentina.
FancyShark
Wow. The character the writer didn't have to write was the villain all along
gellaho
Good thing we weren't informed about any of Sharon's motivations
FancyShark
Seems like shooting him would have been less conspicuous
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Jesus it really went from "stripping wires and fraud" to "Bomb" soooo quickly.
gellaho
The PG language makes this very funny
LyraV
You cockamamie creep!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Way to scream your confession Sharon.
gellaho
POWER!
FancyShark
"But...six 12 volt batteries..."
gellaho
Goddamned hippies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sharon.......you were competing to sell a solar powered car design to a dipshit millionaire who probably wanted to just see some people die in a car crash.........the fuck kind of power do you think you were getting?!
Gentleman Brendan
Lyra, be our guide: in New Mexico, who are the killers: the hippie cultists, the Air Force bombers, the fraud scientists, or the Hardys framing them?
FancyShark
She went berserk when she lost her crystal? Is she a lich?
gellaho
I'm sure they'll get plenty for this car that steers poorly and uses a hammock as a seat
FancyShark
As he hands over the check, a light breeze carries the car away and leaves it stuck in a tree
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Can be blown away in........a normal amount of wind? Yeah.....million dollar design.
LyraV
Morality is subjective, they're all guilty of something. Namaste?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also; Very flammable? Toxic battery gas?
gellaho
And we end with a truly atrocious joke from the injured Bill Little
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Bill.
You deserved it when Joe ate that part of your fried ear.
FancyShark
Within minutes, Joe has swallowed the battery and requires emergency surgery
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #91: Hot Wheels
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also Barrington obviously wanted to just do some rich guy shit and see some plebs die for his amusement and this was how he did it.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Thanks everyone!
FancyShark
Thank you @gellaho !
Great riffing, everybody!
gellaho
So concludes the 61st Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
I know realize that the stun grenades promise on the back were a lie
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
A sadistic Hardy Boy lie.
Gentleman Brendan
Gasp it was Sharon?
LyraV
That's how lure you in, promises of stun grenades and wheels that are hot.
FancyShark
The lady who was clearly sabotaging everything and was never spoken to was evil!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The WHOLE TIME! Who could have guessed that the bad tempered suspicious person who was hardly around was behind it?!
LyraV
Evil redhead is never ever portrayed in any media ever. I'm shocked.
FancyShark
Evil, naughty naughty sexy redhead is never allowed
Sorry, what were we talking about?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It would turn the whole mystery genre on its head!
Gentleman Brendan
All redheads just need a strong, bat-themed alpha male to put them straight.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Or potentially a medium petite clown themed slightly bottom energy woman.
gellaho
People talk about representation all the time, but I gotta tell you that redheads are if anything, overrepresented
FancyShark
Or a spider-themed beta-ish male who's bad with money
LyraV
Just please anyone but Scott Summers.
gellaho
I'll just let you know that the books that are coming up are wild, and leave it at that
LyraV
Fuck yeah, I cant even begin to guess and that's awesome.
FancyShark
These reads are one of the highlights of the week. Thanks again, @gellaho !
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I totally rearranged my normal sleep patterns to not miss the book reading and it was worth it.
FancyShark
Thank you all of you for joining in on these, btw!
Gentleman Brendan
You had my interest, sir. Now you have my slavish intrigue o my sweet master give me more books that I may feed and grow strong oh no I have Renfielded
