gellaho
63: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #91: Hot Wheels Franklin W. Dixon
Tags:
On the highway to the future, one wrong turn can lead straight to disaster!
Archive
gellaho
Unless there are Indian Reservations in the ocean
Gentleman Brendan
Ecology enthusiasts hate when oil companies change their ways.
FancyShark
Or Suntex is flooding the communities first
gellaho
The name Suntex continues to make no sense
FancyShark
Are they based in Texas?
Otherwise, I've got nothing
or wait
gellaho
I have no information about their incorporation
FancyShark
Sun Tech -> Sun Techs -> Suntex (because 90s)
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Legally Distinct From Sunoco Fictional Oil Company.
Gentleman Brendan
Suntexx
gellaho
Very concise description of the Hardy Boys
FancyShark
Suntexx After Dark: Wait, we have no power
gellaho
That's the MIT car
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"WE ARE MIT! WELCOME TO THE NEXXXUS WHERE WE HAVE SEXXXUS COURTESY OF SUNTEXXXUS!"
FancyShark
"Joe's a real pig, it's true."
gellaho
FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!
FancyShark
The restaurant staff all make the sign of the cross
Gentleman Brendan
Joe sounds like he has life all figured out.
I AM JOE
gellaho
Psychotic
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sadly Joe is immune to the sign of the cross and the warding gesture that prevents the Evil Eye.
FancyShark
Aren't there tornadoes in that part of the country?
gellaho
Oh, hi Simon
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"shorting device"?
FancyShark
If Larry turns out to actually be the villain, I will be pissed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The fuck does that mean, ghostwriter?!
Gentleman Brendan
You needed to bug their radio? Dude, get a scanner.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Larry's are the villain of their own lives.
FancyShark
Or just turn to their frequency
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
you're the airforce, just get an AWACs circling overhead
Gentleman Brendan
I know this because my uncles had one and we'd listen to boat guys talk about buying hooers the same year this book came out
gellaho
I don't think the Counting Crows are all that bass heavy
FancyShark
The entire band was accidentally shot by prop guns
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe barged in on Mack and Sharon because he thought they'd be fucking and he wasnt having any of that.
He just SAID it was cos of the investigation thing or whatever.
gellaho
If he's not picking the music, why'd he have the boombox in the first place?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sharon........that isnt how that works.
Gentleman Brendan
Cool guys refer to them as The Crows
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
good thing he doesn't have to listen to a radio or anything
Gentleman Brendan
Yeah, I learned that when I was following Dave and the band around the country.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sharon thinks cars run by Ork rules.
Kept demanding they paint it red.
gellaho
Uh oh, Green Latern's gone rogue
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
maybe your car would go faster if you didn't have to power a subwoofer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
God please tell me some bright spark has finally decided to irradiate the Hardy Boys!
gellaho
Hippie fight!
Gentleman Brendan
There's no Sinestro giphy but pretend
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Elton! I remember him! Mr. Ecology!
FancyShark
Larry's standup doesn't do well in Chernobyl
LyraV
Too much absinthe.
Gentleman Brendan
Elton Mersk, ecology millionaire
gellaho
Goddamned hippies
Gentleman Brendan
the ritual!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
When you get in a fistfight with a guy named Kyle its a 50% chance it was because of weed.
Gentleman Brendan
Kyle heard you were talking to his girl KYLE I TOLD YOU IN MAY WE WERE OVER come on babe i've grown
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"HE HAS MOCKED ME! AND I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!"
FancyShark
"Soon all creation shall bow to SUNTEX!"
gellaho
Well. This has taken a strange turn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
the fight was an excuse to get the lock of hair the ritual called for
FancyShark
Did we change books?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wait what? They are brothers but dont have the same last name?! Thats a bit complicated for a Hardy Boys book.
Where are the American values?!
Implied divorce?!
My worldview is crumbling.
gellaho
A rare time I agree with Joe
FancyShark
If we knew who Mossport and Barrington were, I'm sure we'd be shocked
Gentleman Brendan
My third biggest memory of New Mexico is goddamn hippies, so it tracks.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
AKA The Jack Parsons method of science.
gellaho
Hippie and billionaire, respectively
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Later he will go jerk off in the desert to summon a sex elemental.
slash antichrist.
gellaho
"You're not my dad, brother!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Even Aleister Crowley thinks Mossport is a dweeb.
FancyShark
gellaho
Meanwhile:
FancyShark
Only a Hardy could lose a fight with an appliance
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is slipping back into his Jigsaw trap habit.
They lose 10% of Callies this way.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
frank forgets to unplug the hair dryer before touching the exposed wiring
gellaho
"They sure have sucked so far, I'm sure they are behind all this"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Man the ghost writer keeps being so subtly racist.
"VEry calm, the Japanese."
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, it's impressive and also despairing how little NM changed in 20 years
FancyShark
"I suspect those sneaky Japanese," my character says. Hi, ghost writer again
Gentleman Brendan
Not like it needed to quit a good thing, only that its solar and cult progress are at the same level from 1990 to 2010.
LyraV
I was born there and DO have a rainbow pyramid within arms reach.
gellaho
Frank doesn't trust the hippies
Gentleman Brendan
Like is this our entire nation? Just stuck in Bill Clinton's last year?
But now with smartphones?
FancyShark
Makes sense for the robot to not trust the hippies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
wait, you think the guy that bugged your radio is on your side?
Gentleman Brendan
Hippies are famously anti-robot
gellaho
Luckily the Germans have been taken out, so the two can't team up. That never ends well
FancyShark
Dream Weaver, remember
gellaho
YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank whispers into his pillow "I believe you can get me thru the night, Lawrence."
FancyShark
FINALLY
gellaho
The explosion quota has been reached
Gentleman Brendan
Jesus
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Ah, there we are.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Wow they just said it was a bomb too, like no fucking around or anything.
Gentleman Brendan
He slept well until a bomb hurled him across the room. It occurred two hours later.
FancyShark
And we even got an open admission he's a robot
Gentleman Brendan
So matter of Frank.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I'm not a writer but........that seems like a bad way to write that event.
Straightforward tho, have to give it that.
gellaho
Luckily the Hardys are still highlanders
Gentleman Brendan
I am, and that's "It's midnight, I'm going to bed, I'll mail this in the morning" writing.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"BOOOOOOOORN TO BE KINGS, WE ARE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!"
LyraV
Cassie made it through this one so they put her clone revival program on hold.
FancyShark
It does read like someone screwed up an entry for KISS
gellaho
Did an alien write this?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Third mention of Scott being in a wheelchair for no reason.
FancyShark
Hey
Hey
Everyone
Scott's crippled
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He better jump out of that fucker and kick a dude in the throat or I'm going to think this wasn't a Chekovs wheelchair.
Ooooh or do like in that Alien movie that isnt good and have his chair secretly be parts of a shotgun.
gellaho
He's used to being bombed
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank can tie Scott to his back!
FancyShark
AKA The Only Good Part of Alien Resurrection that wasn't Ron Perlman
gellaho
It's surpassed that. I don't show everything
Gentleman Brendan
Wheelchair pilot is a dope way to own it though.
FancyShark
Sounds like the Suntex...has set
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's jazz, its about the wheelchairs you dont mention.
gellaho
It's very weird that Sharon is such a part of this book, but none of the main characters have spoken to her
FancyShark
Wow, she networks crazy good
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Its almost like you should have asked some questions about the redhead instead of admiring her ass, Joe.
gellaho
Donkey Mountains, donuts. Got it
gellaho
Excues me, doughnuts
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Thirty different kinds" is a hell of a Hardy humblebrag.
gellaho
Because this author is either 90 or not American
Gentleman Brendan
Sharon was dead the whole time!
FancyShark
Joe licked each one and only ate the ones he liked
Gentleman Brendan
30 kinds of doughnuts is both heaven and hell
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also this was Joes "report"
Gentleman Brendan
because one doughnut will fill you up
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Like he needed the rest of the crew to know about the donuts he ate.
gellaho
What with spelling hijinks "high jinks" and donuts "doughnuts." If I see yoghurt, I'll know for sure
Gentleman Brendan
So it's one moment of paradise, 29 joys never known
Doughnuts is correct
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Doing it the correct way is un-American.
Gentleman Brendan
Donuts is a consequence of Dunkin overrunning America. My phone dictation did this to me yesterday and I was irked.
SO NOW I AM VINDICATED
gellaho
I don't know if I agree with that
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Counterpoint: Super Mario World, Donut Plains.
gellaho
This sounds like somebody who spells color with u's
That bomb is so inconvenient
FancyShark
Again with the recharge time
This book was written by a posh robot
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Either it is a robot confession or the ghost writer is trying to be subtly on theme.
FancyShark
I think we know which
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Cos solar power>battery> Recharge
My vote is for robot confession tbh because that is cooler.
gellaho
Another indication that the artist didn't read the book
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Also more funny if the Hardy Boys are a Small Wonder style pair of androids and every so often Joe has to go into a field and open a hatch in his torso and shovel out the mangled food he eats to pass as human.
gellaho
Not a lot of waving room
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
what kind of race staggers start times by 5 minutes?
FancyShark
He shatters the glass and it delays the start another hour
gellaho
You won't say hijinks, but minitornadoes is cool?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He wont stop picking at the stiches so the doctors have to put him in mittens.
FancyShark
SEE?!
Those guys made a bet about ANY kind of wind knocking the one car off course and there were goddamn tornadoes!
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh NOW Lawrence is acting like he cares.
Frank is so confused.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
this interstate is like a mario kart track
gellaho
Wow what a conflict
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Use the blue shell Joe!
BLUE SHELL!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
of course, now the dust buildup on the panels means he'll be dead in the water
FancyShark
Hi. Ghost writer again. Please consider me for your Death Race and Mad Max scripts. Please.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
GO-GET-EM paid handsomely for this product placement for a fictional brand.
FancyShark
"You're not funny!"
"Get off the stage!"
"Freebird!"
gellaho
Fancy snacking
FancyShark
The public cannot be subjected to the sight of Joe eating
LyraV
You kids and your Go Get Em drinks. In my day we drank coffee black and ate sandwiches and chips 15 times a day.
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It looks like a lamprey attaching itself to a cow heart.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
hey, I had sandwiches and chips for lunch
gellaho
This is a weird move for ecological protestors
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Such a simple lunch, its practically Amish.
FancyShark
"Fuck solar power!"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"Those goddam eco warriors and their tire fires."
"We don't know who started the war, but we do know it was us who scorched the skies."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they're using the bonfires to light the tips of their arrows
gellaho
What proceeds is a bold plan
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"We thought the Hardy Boys couldn't survive without an energy source as abundant as the sun."
gellaho
That plan being: "Hey, fuck it"
FancyShark
Mystery Machine down
gellaho
"There are clearly no rules, so why not"
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Libertarian races suck.
gellaho
I'm sure the people in charge will care based on past evidence
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
too bad we didn't inform the police about our experimental car race.
FancyShark
Callie swallows the paper
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
It's all sabotage and "Nuh uuuuh, nothing is against the rules! That flag has a fringe on it, you can't try me in this court!"
"I knew using Callie 876-2Bs brain to keep her writing skills would be useful!"
gellaho
How do you gasp in frustration?
FancyShark
Shock at inconvenience
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol well it is the 90s and computers were "down" like six thousand percent of the time.
LyraV
'Have you tried turning it off and back on again?'
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Tho I dunno what the fuck they thought a computer had to do with it, they would have just radioed in to someplace and had a clerk go look in the file.
gellaho
Definitely an old man writing this
FancyShark
The hell does that mean?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lol Mata Hari.
gellaho
Yeah, go-fer seals it
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
i don't get how that reference makes sense in that context
FancyShark
We need a name for our bad guy. Ideas?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Sneed Fergleson.
gellaho
"She's like the femme-fatale of Mata Haris, babe"
FancyShark
Too complicated
What's a name for a guy?
A really good name for a guy?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
🤔 How about Guy?
LyraV
Dude Finkleburger?
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Guy..........something.......
FancyShark
It's good. "Guy". I like it. But it needs something
gellaho
Millions of dollars for this technology
FancyShark
hahaha, they lost
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Oh Scotts wheelchair hums now?
Fancy.
FancyShark
And it's sweaty
gellaho
It certainly does, seems like you should have spent more than half a page on it
gellaho
It has been the whole time. Here's some poetry from page 13
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Lyrical.
You hurtled past "pretty weird" after a bomb went off, maybe an increased level of suspicion is warranted?
FancyShark
This writer made a Cannonball Run and tried to rework it into a Hardy Boys book
gellaho
Jesus, these hippies suck
FancyShark
They're miles back, waving crystals at their engine, which has burst into flames
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I just want one of the "eco warriors" to throw a molotov at someone.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh no, the eco warriors screwed over the hippies
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
The hippy clan wars of the 90s were dark times.
Crystals everywhere.
gellaho
How dare someone leave the tent
FancyShark
Hackey sacks strewn like confetti
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"My theory still isn't firm." Callie would take care of that for you if you let her.
gellaho
Fuckin hippies
FancyShark
They all have lymphoma now
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
hippies shed crystals like my cats shed hair
gellaho
Callie's secret theory is the most obvious suspect
FancyShark
I hope it's actually Scott and that motherfucker walks
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Joe and Frank are shocked that Callie suspects something that obvious, her brain is far ahead of their timetable.
gellaho
Lol
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
they have better equipment, money and personnel than the US Military
FancyShark
Yes, Callie. They're trying to confuse you so you don't solve the case
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
To be fair, the US Military is like 80% halfwit teens who are armed and drunk.
gellaho
A subconscious peek?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
oh shit lawrence is an mkultra guy
FancyShark
"Freudian slip" would have been closer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank loves Lawrence so much he is convinced he has psychic powers.
DREAAAAAAAM WEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVERRRRR!
gellaho
Uh oh, Joe's liable to be hypnotized
FancyShark
"Prreeeccccciiiioooouuuuuussssssssss"
Then he eats it
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
joe begins to hear whispering in his mind, coming from the crystal
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
I immediately imagined him like slooooowly putting it in mouth.
gellaho
RIP the troops
gellaho
FancyShark
Think of the food, Joe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Frank is sad because his new boyfriend is gone.
gellaho
Looks like Scott is joining the hippies
FancyShark
His heart is comin' apart
gellaho
I've devoted my life to making driving less safe
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Scott........now......I dunno how to say this but.......maybe you should stop beliving in talismans? You uh.......lets say you have two good reasons not to.
FancyShark
Okay, I read that as "drunk driver plowing his family" and got very worried
He's the hero I-75 deserves
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Scott.........how is a rules free pro sabotage death race going to change how people approach driving?
Also your car is wildly unsafe.
FancyShark
uh...solar panels?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
he's making cars too shitty to hit 80
gellaho
Frank and Joe struggle to understand "green." As though that's not a last name they've been using constantly
gellaho
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Scott prefers traveling families be shredded by fragments of solar panels instead.
FancyShark
And now they have lymphoma too
gellaho
Sharon gets around
gellaho
This book is almost over and they still haven't talked to her
FancyShark
hahaha, Japanese can't speak English. Hi, ghost writer
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
Ghost writer showing admirable restraint not switching Ls and Rs like I can feel him straining to do.
gellaho
He did the same thing with the Germans
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
He goes on to write the advisor barks for Shogun 2.
FancyShark
The editor probably had to explain that WW2 was over several times
Karate Physics Flippant Sausage
"SHAMEFUR DISPRAY!"
God Shogun 2 had bad voice acting.
gellaho
Triple check the redhead box
Gentleman Brendan
Guy Riley, red-haired suntex crew member is my business card!
This inner light/vibration bullshit absolutely tracks.