63: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #91: Hot Wheels Franklin W. Dixon

FancyShark

It's a paper bag with "Helmit" written on it in marker

gellaho

One minor bump and Joe's head is going through that glass

Gentleman Brendan

FUCK YOU FRANK hi what's going on?

gellaho

"I know an automobile accident put me in this wheelchair, and one of you is going to join me"

FancyShark

A whole mess of people are racing electric cars across Texas

Gentleman Brendan

The future we fucking deserved in 1992.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Industrial espionage wacky race, Frank had his heart broken by a dashing Air Force Academy kid.

FancyShark

And MIT had a porn car

Nexxus VII

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Dont come a knockin if the support vans a rockin!" "What does that mean?" "Nevermind, Frank."

gellaho

The advantages of a lighter driver are alien to Teresa

FancyShark

She stares out at the desert, wondering where they could fine anything in sufficient quantity to add weight

Gentleman Brendan

Callie, just explode already.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank yells "What do you mean? Callie is a ham beast."

Gentleman Brendan

Put chet in the car for ballast.

gellaho

Prepare for the dumbest advice you've ever heard

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Pulling down.........and thrusting..........

FancyShark

Keep the solar car in the sun. Thanks!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

How the fuck does that dance work?

FancyShark

I think it's just air crunches

gellaho

They're driving on the interstate, I think you'd have to try really, really hard to stay out of the sunlight

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also what heroics is a dude going to do driving a car down the interstate?!

Like she should be warning him not to hit armadillos with this balsawood car.

Gentleman Brendan

How much juice is that car able to suck down that an hour of moving sun counts?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"also if you breathe too heavily you'll get high as a kite"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also its too early in the book for either Hardy Boy to evolve competency so anything they do is going to be fucked up.

Gentleman Brendan

So I remember a SI for Kids article about a car like this that probably inspired this book in the early 90s

FancyShark

It's harnessing the raw power of six 12-volt batteries

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

With Extra Green Toxic Fumes!

gellaho

Millions of dollars from car companies for these designs, huh

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe.......fighter jets dont have nylon hammocks.......

Joe what do you think a fighter jet is?

FancyShark

Probably the lawn chair with the hole starting to get worn in one spot that they refuse to throw away because it's still mostly intact

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

this is when he realizes the solar cells are fake, and this car moves flintstones-style

gellaho

I'm beginning to think that the cover artist didn't read this book

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The Air Force Academys car is just a missile tied to a cart.

Gentleman Brendan

In the early '90s? That's like 6w

I used to have to bring spare AAs on car trips over an hour for my walkman

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

batteries aren't made out of silicon

FancyShark

They're going to be judged at the end based on whose batteries have the most juice left

Gentleman Brendan

In the Hardyverse, solid-state batteries are real

gellaho

I'd certainly kill for these blueprints

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

This motherfucker expects me to believe hes gonna drive down the interstate in a car powered by fewer batteries than a GAme Gear.

Gentleman Brendan

It's downhill, Flip.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

On the famous slopes of El Paso.

Also its already put out 120 degrees of heat. Cool design yall.

You broke physics.

gellaho

Joe's descent into Gatorade addiction begins

FancyShark

Cut to Joe offering to blow a guy for a hit of Arctic Blast

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"It's 30% corn syrup by volume!"

gellaho

Off to a great start

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Only 30%?! Gee wilikers thats practically a health beverage!"

FancyShark

"Joe, the parking brake's on"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

these guys use energy drinks, the air force loads their driver up on amphetamines

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH FRANK! CAR DEVILS! SAVE ME FRANK!"

"FRANK TELL CALLIE TO UISE HER WITCHCRAFT!"

gellaho

What a great design

FancyShark

Use the clutch

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Hey remember how we have that complicated design that you have no training on how to drive? Well fuck you, remember how to drive it good."

gellaho

"Dessert? But I don't see any ice cream"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Support Van to Captain Joe Obvious, come in Captain Obvious."

gellaho

"Listen, Bill died for this. Let's honor his memory"

FancyShark

Bill's Ghost: "NO! WRONG! YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

His hearing died so we could totally fail to bring electric cars to mass production due to lack of infrastructure.

gellaho

The deadly sparks tickling his ear

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

And Joe ate the crispy bit.

gellaho

"I can't see why a saboteur would listen to our conversation"

FancyShark

Switches over to NPR

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Ooooh look at the Callie having sound opsec ideas!

Gentleman Brendan

Frank realizes there's more energy in a pound of human fat than rocket fuel. The results of his great work thereafter are...incomprehensibly wrong.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

She earned herself some yard time and maybe another day of life before she goes into the reclamation vats.

FancyShark

"I give you: The Chet Battery"

gellaho

Not really Interstate speeds, but OK

FancyShark

Joe can't drive fifty five

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

okay, hear me out: seven batteries

FancyShark

You're insane

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Hey what if........and stop me if this is crazy.........we just use a regular car battery?"

"Instead of like six 12 volt batteries?"

FancyShark

"But we got a bulk rate on these!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"We only had so many flashlights!"

Gentleman Brendan

Callie duct-taped her walkman to the rig. "Will this help, Frank?"

gellaho

I'm sure the children appreciate this reference

Gentleman Brendan

THE Lawrence Gonzalez?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Frank hears Lawrences name and Dream Weaver starts to play faintly in his head.

FancyShark

"Witness me!"

FancyShark

"My Prince Gonzalez has come for me!"

gellaho

If you can't handle 65 on the interstate, I think your car sucks guys

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Scott.......the Interstate........kinda doesnt curve much.

Gentleman Brendan

So the POWER isn't the problem, the HANDLING is?

gellaho

Millions for these designs

Gentleman Brendan

The famous winding Texas highway.

FancyShark

On an unrelated note, a friend in high school had a 1986 Volvo station wagon that could do a max of 45mph.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

the air force car closes to firing range

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also its the Interstate, the speed limit is like 70 or 80. Get that fucker off the interstate, its not street legal.

Gentleman Brendan

I had an '87 volvo. It was like a two-minute ordeal to hit 65.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Some poor Texan gets caught in a Hardy Boy related traffic jam.

FancyShark

He's getting flipped off by so many RVs

Gentleman Brendan

It was niiiiiiiiiice in winter though.

Warm and heavy. Ladies, welcome to New England.

FancyShark

My friend's volvo got in a head-on collision with a modern minivan. The minivan's whole front crumpled. His left headlight bent slightly

gellaho

I can't believe they rotated the dial and figured out our frequency

FancyShark

Oh shit. These guys are good

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

How could they have cracked our none security protocols?!

FancyShark

We better hope they don't figure out the doors don't have locks

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

God help us if they discover we dont guard the car.

gellaho

A helicopter comes in and fucks up the sponsor car

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Whoops.

FancyShark

Classic prank

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

the car lands in opposing traffic, killing dozens

FancyShark

Courtesy John Landis

gellaho

I feel like the armed forces have better things to do

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Well who could have forseen that making a car like a WW1 biplane would have serious consequences?!

Gentleman Brendan

Chopper beats Hippie, that's just facts, the '60s proved that.

FancyShark

It's a Blackhawk. Someone really wants that car stopped

LyraV

'It looked like Starscream to me.'

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Why are these fuckers blaming everything on the Air Force?! DO THEY NOT SUPPORT THE TROOPS!?

Gentleman Brendan

I didn't pilot a Huey in Nam for Joe Freakout to let the SUN deliver MY beloved AMERICA into a glorious green FUTURE

gellaho

Now, which part of the southwest is this?

FancyShark

The forests of the desert

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

seems like a really poorly chosen route

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

YEs the majestic Las Cruces forest.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

maybe run your solar car race in the sun

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Or like......give it batteries.

gellaho

Frank loves German efficiency

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Real ones and not the kind for an RC car.

FancyShark

Scott will take any opportunity to talk efficiency. And he's got a captive audience

gellaho

Worth millions of dollars are these designs

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Aw its nice how they say "Teresa's and Callie's" calculations when we know this Callie hasnt been out of the vat long enough to learn math.

Gentleman Brendan

Hill country.

This race takes longer to read than it would to run.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Shut the fuck up, Callie, we already made that joke!

You silly moo.

FancyShark

brb

gellaho

"Why would the police be in any rush to get anywhere? Why not a sensible 45 on the interstate?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

did they tell the highway patrol about the race?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

New Mexico Highway Patrol, someone saw some suspiciously Latino people minding their own business and had to respond.

gellaho

An accident on the highway? Impossible!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Why........why would they not be able to send you a message? Frank? You know how radios work, Frank, your dad is SOME kind of cop.

Gentleman Brendan

Nobody told the New Mexico troopers about the solar race?

gellaho

This seems like a terrible way to win a race

FancyShark

So someone made a...mess of Schmidt?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Oh you have fucked up if you want Joe to do anything smart.

The only smart thing a Hardy Boy does is spread spores.

gellaho

The ghostwriter already forgot they wrote this

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

You can feel the ghostwriter longing to stop writing this shit and go watch Cannonball Run.

gellaho

"Should we stop the race? Absolutely not!"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

if only they had some sort of airborne observer

FancyShark

"How can I get Dom DeLuise in this?"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Whats a little flammable liquid and explosive danger to our very light and probably wooden vehicles? Hardy Boys are immune to flame!

(Hardy Boys are very much not immune to flame.)

gellaho

Kind of seems like you figured out the answer to the question, Scott

gellaho

Oh, they absolutely are

FancyShark

Is the gas truck supposed to show how worthless fossil fuel vehicles are compared to the race cars?

gellaho

They have survived so, so many explosions

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

That means they have a really good Dex saving throw.

FancyShark

Or a shitload of HP

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Or a handy NPC to sacrifice.

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

I think they just have infernal heritage

gellaho

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

FancyShark

duuuuuuuuude

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

joe watches in fascination as the driver flails around, engulfed in flame

FancyShark

"Haha, so inefficient!"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

If only gas powered cars were so convenient as to have to not drive under trees or risk losing power.

What a world we would be in.

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

That's why they're in eastern New Mexico

gellaho

Scheiße

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

this is why real races have marshalls

FancyShark

Joe catches a brief glimpse of Schmidt at the controls, masturbating furiously

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

ACH! MEIN LIEBEN!

Gentleman Brendan

ach

ach

ACH

aaaach

DU LIEBST MICH

MEIN GOT

LyraV

The Red Baron tips his wings in their honor.

Gentleman Brendan

MEIN KLEINE HARDEN

gellaho

The German car flips, but survives. Weird that these flimsy ass cars keep flipping without hurting anyone

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

90% of the weight is the roll cage.

FancyShark

And the Gasoline Truck Planter sneaks away, unseen

gellaho

I'm sure the hammock provided a lot of safety

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also fuck me they let that poor 13 year old girl watch her dad nearly die in a firey car crash.

FancyShark

She's only got about five years before she explodes anyway. Best to get used to it

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Did you? Did you try and warn him Frank? Because I'm getting mixed messages about you guys ability to understand how to use radios.

FancyShark

How did you try to warn him, Frank? Was it when you said "Hey, there's Dr. Schmidt!" to no one?

gellaho

Mack out here listening to RHCP

FancyShark

"This is Fresh Air. I'm Terry Gross."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

good thing they worked the boombox into their weight calculations

FancyShark

He's only allowed to listen to light jazz

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

His downfall will be he has to stop and change cassette tapes every half hour.

gellaho

I know it's going to say air-conditioning, but it really should say airbags

FancyShark

"Or seatbelts"

Gentleman Brendan

Immortan Joe cannot permit the SUB to exist. It is a threat to his power.

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, no it cant accellerate faster, fuck you. Its got the batteries of an RC car!

gellaho

They really forgot about that patrol following them, huh

gellaho

Don't introduce more Joes

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe.......do you understand what a race is? Do you think......do you think they just did this without permission from the Highway Patrol and shit?!

FancyShark

Just then, Joe remembers the 30 kilos of cocaine he was smuggling in the trunk

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

it kind of seems like they did

Gentleman Brendan

THIS IS THE POLICE STOP DEFYING THE STATE OF SOCIETY PULL OVER AND USE GAS

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

like the race didn't stop for a fire on the track

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe will be okay because his lily white skin will protect him, from the law if not from the desert heat.

gellaho

"You know, that military equipment they sell in electronics stores"

gellaho

RadioShack has so many state secrets

FancyShark

"Also, there's a claymore mine in he-"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

To be fair, military common use hardware isn't as advanced as people think.

Gentleman Brendan

Some saboteur timed our radio to go out a 3pm but didn't disable the "radio on" light.

gellaho

"Don't ask why I didn't build it this way in the first place"

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Our nuclear launch capabilities depend on like six floppy disks.

Per missile.

FancyShark

"Kinda seems like you could even build yourself some new legs with that much skill, Scott!"

"..."

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Teresa is starting to think maybe she should let Scott "field test her programs"

gellaho

Well, this is the longest wait for the anticlimax I've seen

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Im sure its just a donut run.

FancyShark

Racing while observing the speed limit is like stopping a duel every time a blow lands

gellaho

I'm sure the twelve year olds appreciated these geographic references

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe plays GTA and never gets past the tutorial because he wont break the law.

gellaho

So fencing?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

wouldn't want to break the law during your death race

FancyShark

IT'S SO BORING! WHY DO THEY MAKE SWORDFIGHTING SO BORING?!

gellaho

The answer is France

The ghostwriter has a thing about insect metaphors

Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe

Great teamwork on the Franceposting!

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe just thinks of other humans as insects.

FancyShark

And Frank sees them as meat. Filthy, unclean meat

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

is the press covering the flaming wreckage on the track?

gellaho

It makes sense these college students would want Joe on this team

FancyShark

They're getting so many human interest stories out of the collateral damage

Joe, that was your SAT score

gellaho

You really want those D-level algebra students

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Joe is so proud of his D.

gellaho

I'm sure the kids appreciated this

FancyShark

Children demand statistics

They can't get enough

gellaho

Kids love gallium

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Gallium-arsenide!

gellaho

I'm glad we were introduced to all those people, just to knock half of them off

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Friend to all the children!

FancyShark

We're observing slasher movie rules

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

the silicon batteries are just rocks with a + sign sharpied on

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Are they gonna reveal that the Suntex car is being put in a gas powered truck and moved to fake better results?

gellaho

Mitsubishi and the hippies are not performing well

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Team Air Force planning their post race shirtless volleyball tournament.

FancyShark

hahaha, Japanese could never make an efficient car! Hi, I'm the ghost writer

gellaho

There is no way for you to know that

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

"Hey Japan, hows your solar sushi mobile? I thought you guys were the Land of the Rising Sun?!"

FancyShark

Unless...Callie's bad at math?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Callie you keep saying "We" and what you mean is "Scott and Teresa"

Your DNA is so fucked up your IQ is jam.

You're lucky you even have bones.

gellaho

Can? Was I mistaken, is this the Dew?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Theres a reason you are going into the reclamation vats.

gellaho

Nah, Joe would be all about the Dew

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Shit it really is an anachronistic Monster energy.

FancyShark

Joe would definitely do the Dew

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also GO-GET-EM has big 90s search engine energy.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

scott's chair is more powerful than his car

gellaho

"High jinks?" OK, this ghostwriter is definitely 90 years old

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

It could be a strong Lycos competitor.

OH NOW he is concerned his no rules sabotage fest might not produce a viable product.

Gentleman Brendan

This '90s tale feels very 2010s

FancyShark

"They are up to so much tomfoolery and goings on"

Gentleman Brendan

solar ev cars and energy drinks

FancyShark

wait, they're getting prostitutes?

gellaho

Snake attack

FancyShark

Ladies...

oh, an actual snake

gellaho

Hey, Larry, where were you keeping that snake?

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

The Hardy Boy has poor eyesight, and cannot distinguish the rattlesnake from the cheeseburger which is his natural prey.

FancyShark

Larry was showing a cute girl his snake when he lost control and it went wild. What's so weird?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

oh, larry's a snake guy. that poor reporter

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

There is so much wrong with this.

Like first, Joe you dont use a fucking clipboard to kill a rattlesnake.

FancyShark

I like that he's lecturing the snake

Karate Physics Flippant Sausage

Also fuck that guy for defanging a snake, that shit is not cool.

I hope he dies in a trademark Hardy Boys explosion.

FancyShark

He gives the snake jawbreakers, just to be a dick

gellaho

The hippie comes by to warn about a protest. The ghostwriter reveals they don't know what an oil rig is