70: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #64: Endangered Species Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 70: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #64: Operation: Phoenix #1: Endangered Species

Did you know The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ has story arcs? Well, apparently it does. But not that many, and they are only like 3 books long. Coming up, we will begin Operation: Phoenix with the Kenyan adventure Endangered Species. Poachers are after the most valuable, but most impossible prey of all: a boy investigator. Unfortunately for them, Frank & Joe Hardy are immortals sent down by the gods to solve crime and consume snacks. How will the first part of this exciting trilogy unfold? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Porcelain Dreams

Hang on, someone hired Fenton to actually do his job?

FancyShark

Joe found out elephants live in a matriarchy and said something so vile the elephants marked him for death

gellaho

This book got around

Porcelain Dreams

Wait, was this filed as a non-fiction book?

FancyShark

Where do you see that?

Porcelain Dreams

Oh. No, that's just the title.

FancyShark

ah

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

When I saw Operation: Phoenix I thought it was going to be the Hardy Boys going to 'Nam.

gellaho

It's got pounds on the back, so this book has travelled the Atlantic to freedom

FancyShark

Chet loves the smell of napalm in the morning

gellaho

The damn British library system destroyed the preview page

FancyShark

This is why we declared independence

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

I have some of those books, I remember one about a video game

Gentleman Brendan

Oh this is gonna make me sad for eleofaunts

gellaho

Under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #64: Operation Phoenix #1: Endangered Species. The preview was destroyed by the British library system.

gellaho

So instead, here's the first page

FancyShark

Joe responds between bites of panda

dr

I'm starting to realize I read like… most of these?

FancyShark

Calling it now: Alladyce is either the big bad or, if the Assassins are involved, he's going to be cloned

well, "cloned"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Whatever he is, he's probably sick of being asked how many dice he has.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Tell me what you know about animal smuggling" Levin asks as Frank starts to sweat, thinking about the four endangered turtles he has taped to his taint and thighs.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

To say nothing of the gerbil.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

The gerbil is there for personal reasons but Frank has already decided the authorities wont believe him.

FancyShark

The gerbil shifts its weight. Frank freezes.

"Son, did your mustache just move?"

"...no"

public jakesy no. 1

I'm suspicious of this book already because of one word

FancyShark

Which one?

public jakesy no. 1

THATS NOT HOW THE BRITISH SPELL COLOURED

public jakesy no. 1

This stinks to high Heaven

FancyShark

They're taunting us

Gentleman Brendan

hELLO, I am very tired.

I will be funny, but not in a clever way. LET'S DO THIS

how is everyone?

are you ready to...

FancyShark

You were tired and funny last time. I'm optimistic

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

I've had gut coring self inflicted intestinal distress so I'm not feeling clever either.

But very funny.

FancyShark

Damn!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

It was those steak and rice burritos or me, and I chose me.

I did what I had to do to protect my nation and my family.

Which was eat three burritos I knew would make me sick.

gellaho

Uh oh

FancyShark

They went down, but not without a fight

Oh shit. Joe's curse caused 9/11

gellaho

How exactly do you studiously ignore someone?

Gentleman Brendan

"Boys, what's the meaning of this email? 'A cake with a stick and two sticks?' Explain yourselves or no more flying lessons for you."

gellaho

Not get any sleep since last week?

Oh, also, I'm starting

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"I'm a government official, I refuse to talk to teens."

Gentleman Brendan

Up late finishing text on new column. Then body refused to fall asleep. Then twitched all night. Then rose before 8 to catch a bus to DC

gellaho

And this book will not survive the night

Gentleman Brendan

It is BEAUTIFUL in the beltway, you'd never know it's august.

NYC too.

public jakesy no. 1

All we know about Ethan Daly is that he is set in multiple ways

Heavy

Deep

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Frank feels that way about people meeting with him a lot for some reason.

FancyShark

Collector's

public jakesy no. 1

Might be John Daly's cousin

Who knows

gellaho

"Why are you children here, anyway?"

public jakesy no. 1

Lol

LyraV

Like this.

public jakesy no. 1

Secret underbrush cameras

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Kenya's the one with lions, right?" said Frank.

gellaho

Are you children having fun?

LyraV

Whoa right to the poachers.

FancyShark

"Joe, keep your hands above the desk"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

For a second I thought they were gonna use that chainsaw on its legs and such and I was like "Hell yeah, this one is dark.......oh no its just tusks."

gellaho

YOU TELL THAT SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD ALL THE GRUESOME DETAILS

Gentleman Brendan

I hate people.

gellaho

These are some real names

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Yes because this private detective from North America and his teen sons are expertly qualified to rescue a government agent and defeat poachers.

Great idea congressman.

public jakesy no. 1

I mean can you point to a congressman who's ever had a better idea?

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

JUST LIKE THE TIME YOU VOTED TO CONTINUE FUNDING FOR THE F-35!

gellaho

, maaaaaaaaaaaan

FancyShark

Someone saw an elephant getting chainsawed and thought "If only that elephant's skull was unbreakable. If only it was unkillable. But where could I find such a person?"

gellaho

, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

Gentleman Brendan

Frank grabbed a passing Kenyan and shook him roughly "WHERE. IS. IVORY POACHING MARKET. ME: AMERICAN."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The agent was disappeared by poachers with high caliber rifles and chainsaws. Best case scenario you don't need to retrieve the body with a mop.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Congresspeople exist for the important grown ups in the senate to have someone to bully, its fine.

gellaho

I mean, when has something been labeled a "compound" ever been bad

public jakesy no. 1

The correct response was:

FancyShark

Rosalyn Bodine was so close to a rhyming name

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I'm calling it now: Rosalyn is a redhead.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

My redhead senses are tingling in anticipation.

Gentleman Brendan

"Joe gulped. The forbidden flame of Olympus!"

gellaho

I can almost guarantee that the last visit was also, Frank

Gentleman Brendan

Pandora was a redhead, this I know.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

She's suspect because she always recommends amputating tusks.

public jakesy no. 1

I'm going to hazard a guess that there are not many redheads in Kenya

gellaho

Sounding more like a cult now

Gentleman Brendan

Africa's not exotic. It's humanity's BIOS setting. Everywhere else is exotic!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Dr Bodine graciously allows volunteers to pay to work on her compound."

Gentleman Brendan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbYtASAakAI

FancyShark

Frank and Joe are going to find out that Bodine is South African for "Moreau"

gellaho

"Hold on, let me threaten this teen first"

gellaho

FancyShark

Daly says the same thing when welcoming people to brunch

public jakesy no. 1

So says DALY

Gentleman Brendan

She merges humans with animals to make brutes, like a frenchman with a rhino, this American with a giraffe, and the original third Hardy brother with Joe.

gellaho

No way in hell Joe studied shit

public jakesy no. 1

Lol

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

I mean more often than not people in the wild just get dysentery.

public jakesy no. 1

Joe spend a few hours mastering Swahili. He was ready to go

FancyShark

Joe learned that Swahili for cow is "moo" and Swahili for dog is "woof"

gellaho

Lotta unfortunate looking men in this one

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe actually just rented The Gods Must Be Crazy and watched it like ten times

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Me. Joe. Am. American. Love B U R G E R."

FancyShark

Not a bad move, honestly

"One word about Jellical cats and I'll skin you all"

gellaho

How dare he not take this seriously

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Some Kenyan dude wearing head to toe leather and a cowboy hat starts asking about heavy metal in perfect English.

Or Chinese dramas.

public jakesy no. 1

Jellicoe, eh

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"I'd recruit there myself, but I'm not allowed within 500 yards of a school."

FancyShark

Jellicoe is going to turn out to be an ape wrangler

gellaho

The next morning, sustinance must be procured

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Jellicoe is not a real smoker, I've never seen a single one toss a smoke after a few puffs.

That shit is real expensive.

public jakesy no. 1

The pineapple makes it exotic

Gentleman Brendan

I can't believe Joe gives Chet shit.

FancyShark

Especially after getting his sister killed

Gentleman Brendan

I eat like Joe and I never chide my fatter friends. Food's just good times!

gellaho

HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT THE CONSUMPTION

FancyShark

"Is it because of the slurs he called you?"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Joe hisses and flaps his wings and prepares to vomit on the customs agent.

Gentleman Brendan

The name's Joe Frosin, Agent of ICE

gellaho

First stop: petting zoo

FancyShark

"Be cool. One of these goats is our contact."

gellaho

☑️ Suspicious Redhead

FancyShark

Frank was also put off by the surveillance van that was following him a few feet back

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe gets distracted and pulls a bloody stump out of the giraffe's mouth

LyraV

Jellicoe sounds like a popsicle brand.

gellaho

In literature, Ireland must be the size of China

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Fairs fair, feeding giraffes is rad.

gellaho

Those Kiwis and their Asian contacts

gellaho

FancyShark

"No, wait, says here the fruit. Weird."

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Oddly enough her father? A small flightless bird.

gellaho

Studied in some of the Asian countries

What do I look like, an intelligence agent?

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

Clues already? I don't know how to feel about this

Gentleman Brendan

I'm always impressed when the Hardy boys can hack a bank system but don't know who kiwis are.

public jakesy no. 1

Money? Of the….INSURANCE variety?

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE POACHING INSURANCE MONEY!

gellaho

Well, Frank can do the first thing. Joe's a moron

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Abe Lincoln has the best intelligence."

gellaho

I think you're a number-two person, Joe

FancyShark

African, huh? From the country of Africa?

gellaho

It is illegal for redheads to stay still in Kenya after all

FancyShark

Frank, that man is dead

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Hyenas can smell a redhead from a mile off, his days are numbered.

gellaho

Looking like Fenton fucked off already

FancyShark

"That...doesn't change anything"

Gentleman Brendan

Designer sneakers! I thought Bayport was a middle-class enclave. :stomps off in a huff, my designer sneakers squeaking with each pouty stomp:

gellaho

Frank's plan to ambush a redhead in sunglasses goes awry

FancyShark

I love how often they meet people this way

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They didn't realize that shrub was occupied.

gellaho

Time to play GUESS THE ANTICLIMAX. How is this resolved?

FancyShark

I'm going to guess it's Oyamo

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

The boys are annoying enough im not surprised someone has a gun on them again, but am surprised that they have lived so long nobody has just pulled the trigger.

gellaho

If you guessed Dad Prank, congratulations

FancyShark

Fenton pulls the trigger

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Fenton.........jesus.

"This is why we are banned from Disneyland for life, Dad."

gellaho

Don't the sunglasses make that a little pointless

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Dad's hilarious pranks have resulted in multiple lawsuits from coworkers.

FancyShark

Fenton then removes his face

Gentleman Brendan

Fenton fixing to get macheted by his own blood.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

So Fenton has like a secret family, right?

FancyShark

At least one

gellaho

Fenton shows up just to say he's leaving

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

He gets all disguised up just to pretend to pull a gun on his sons, he HAS to have at least one.

FancyShark

Mombasa is actually in the Atoll region. Fenton's going to be atomized

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Ooooh are we foreshadowing a chimp mauling Frank or falling in love with Joe?

gellaho

Sleeenderrrr

FancyShark

She's not shy. She knows that getting near Joe means death

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Dontmakeeyecontactdontmakeeyecontact."

gellaho

Young people must always be slender or Chet

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

She's definitely been warned about the Hardys.

gellaho

Must be in the Hardy Boys style guide to not put the lady "e" on blonde

FancyShark

But only appear to be kind

She pick up a kitten and bites off its head before tossing the rest in the dirt

gellaho

What a weird list

Gentleman Brendan

OR IS SHE FENTON IN DISGUISE

You spotted the clue, junior sleuths!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

No, Joe. She just doesnt find a pair of teen dickheads very interesting.

Gentleman Brendan

"Frank, now that we have made love, I have something to tell you. You have failed to discern your own father. I am disappointed in you. I thought I'd taught you better."

gellaho

Yet, Joe learned Swahili

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Shes a scientist, and you are dumb enough to pay HER to come and WORK FOR HER. What does she have to talk about with you?

gellaho

Also, you too good for corn, ghostwriter?

"Hey, Frank? Shut the fuck up"

gellaho

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Joe......you are an idiot.

I know you know what a grassy plain looks like Joe. You're from America, we have those.

gellaho

The driveway gave out many gifts and compliments

gellaho

"Uh, excuse me, it's a veld"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Yeah why would it look like an old plantation, Frank? Hmmmmmm?

FancyShark

It's not because that's where plants come from

gellaho

Lion King? Never heard of it

gellaho

Both came out in 1994, so who's to say

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Keesha is breaking the number 1 rule, which is "Do not talk to or encourage talk with Frank or Joe."

FancyShark

oh man, I hope a ton of these books were sold because kids wanted more Lion King

gellaho

Still thinking cult

FancyShark

"Prayer circle is at four. All belongings are to be burned by sundown"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The hardys get suspicious when everyone's chores are just whittling tusks down into piano keys.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Army style means they have privacy blinds for when you need to masturbate.

Just kidding you have to just ignore the masturbating.

gellaho

Seems safe

gellaho

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Privacy when masturbating is for officers.

gellaho

Look out, Callie

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

ELEPHANT MANGLING!

CMON ELEPHANT MANGLING!

Gentleman Brendan

So what do these scientists do for fun after a long day of work? "Mostly shoot billiards, snooker, fasten handle platings to revolvers, carve cameo brooches..."

Rafiki shuddered and trumpeted in anger. Joe had no soul.

gellaho

Such exotic creatures

And badgers

FancyShark

Oyamo then threw one of the kittens to the vulture

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Joe wakes up with a honey badger gnawing his eyes because you cant really keep them in cages.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Oyamo then invites them back to the mess hall for jackal steaks.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Or stop them from gnawing your eyes.

LyraV

Calling someone a limping jackal is a dope insult.

gellaho

Very smooth, Oyamo

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Oyamo and Lincoln had a brief but torrid affair that ended badly.

FancyShark

I know it's a book, but it feels like the director just told Oyamo "okay, in this scene, you want to leave. ACTION!"

gellaho

It's like some kind of moving rope. What could that be?

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

SNEK!

DANGER NOODLE!

Give it pets!

FancyShark

"I like the left side of the bed, if that's okay"

public jakesy no. 1

Told you guys

gellaho

Back to the fun times for the kids

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Frank, having a snake in your bed is no big deal. Just dont roll over on it and you will find it a rather pleasing experience.

gellaho

Sleep well, children

public jakesy no. 1

Hmmm stiff snake in bed you say

Frank that's not a snake

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

I had a Burmese python that would escape from her tank and get in bed with me, its only unsettling the first time.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

I've read this James Bond novel

FancyShark

Snakes often move around with jaws agape

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

look we all know how to deal with this

gellaho

I guess Frank gave up on the "being silent" thing

FancyShark

"Put it in your bed!"

"Goddammit, Joe!"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Frank, just use one hand to strip your pillow of its case and deposit the snake therein. Stop being such a drama queen.

gellaho

Weird detail, ghostwriter. You're on notice

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

You used a wastebasket? You wiener.

FancyShark

That sounds like something a noir detective would say about infidelity

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Your puff adder decided to go for a stroll in another man's garden, see?"

gellaho

"Oy, wots all this, mate?"

FancyShark

"Blimey"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Okay this is racist. No way an Australian doesnt already check for snakes.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Damnit, scooped by slow typing

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Credit for not trying to write out the Australian accent

gellaho

I hope that's inches, because otherwise you are very unobservant

FancyShark

That's when they notice they're in a tent

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Someone in this compound has been reading Sherlock Holmes.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

I'd be for putting a cover on the INSIDE of the hole before you sleep again.

gellaho

Surprising they didn't take the time to carefully rescrew the mesh after bing-bonging a snake at you

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

No.....no Joe, don't......don't put your dick in it.

Noooo there isnt food in there either, Joe.

NO THERE ISNT A NEST OF BEES, JOE. GO EAT BREAKFAST.

gellaho

Thanks for the sunrise update

gellaho

I was unaware how that went

Gentleman Brendan

Sometimes I think the ghost writers play this game to make it less boring.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

It would be great if the snake was never explained.

FancyShark

NAAAAAASENTENYAAAAAA

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Or was just a random snake.

Or Joe did it.

As a goof.

FancyShark

Fenton did it

That prankster

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Frank is a robot anyway, he cant be envenomated.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Do they have distinct personalities?

gellaho

Dr. Bodine must have a mail-in doctorate

gellaho

Frank is a robot, Joe is a dumbass and misogynist

FancyShark

Okay, lady. But you're gonna be really bored.

gellaho

Also, Joe is an immortal

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

lol you got me lady I tried to snek myself

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Also also Joe is hungry and not just for sex, but also for burgers.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Immortan Joe?