70: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #64: Endangered Species Franklin W. Dixon

FancyShark

Joe is hungry for food. He doesn't understand sex, but he does know he hates that women will not give him any

gellaho

But aren't they already spotted?

gellaho

gellaho

Heyo!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Joe thinks of sex as secret burgers that only women can give him and withhold.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

So they're Beavis and Butthead?

FancyShark

Dumber

And less likeable

gellaho

Bet kids loved this one

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Got it, thanks for catching me up

That is Swahili for dead cat

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe didn't get that far in his Swahili studies.

gellaho

Joe rushes headlong after the poachers (who killed the leopard with a tranquilizer?)

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

It's great we have Keesha to translate these single words of Swahili.

gellaho

This is a great example of Joe's immortality

Gentleman Brendan

Don't worry, I gotchu fam: "Aii am THOAH, god of THUNDUH. Maii brothuh LOW-key is is a KEY-wee."

Gentleman Brendan

Immortan joe! IMMORTAN JOE!

FancyShark

WITNESS HIM!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

hahahaha that should have broken his fuckin neck!

gellaho

Just, a great old time for the kids

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Too bad it only voided his bowels.

FancyShark

Joe can't die because Death and Physics are women, and therefore repulsed by him

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

So it's a pit trap AND a rope trap?

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Instead he just dusts himself off and bellows "MEDIOCRE!"

gellaho

Fucking unkillable

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Yes tell us about Joes soft skin.

FancyShark

"Try it at home, kids!"

Gentleman Brendan

But it's Joe.

Gentleman Brendan

Actual premise of the original Infinity Gauntlet comics.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

It's not weird at all for a brother to think about his brother and soft skin in the same context.

FancyShark

Especially not after a lynching

gellaho

"You kids have a lot of explaining to do"

Gentleman Brendan

WOAH don't get the wrong idea. They're not incest gays. Frank is going to wear Joe's skin and become him.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Falling victim to a murder trap, why?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"you kids ruined my noose pit!"

gellaho

This ghostwriter is horny for Oyamo

FancyShark

"Didn't you see the signs? Poachers all over the place outside the fence!"

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

"I told you to stop playing pranks!"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

S...should eyes ever be described as "milky"?

Gentleman Brendan

Oyamo has cataracts.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Razor's edge of racism there

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Ooooof no wonder he works for Bodine, hes saving up for eye surgery.

gellaho

That's not his name

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

RANGER POPE!

gellaho

In a book of ridiculous names, I refuse Pope Rawji

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Ranger Pope is his title.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Pontifex Rangerus Rawji.

FancyShark

Part of the Pope Action Figure Collection

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Second best pope after Turtle Pope.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They didn't recognize him without his bush mitre.

gellaho

I skipped over Oyamo being sensitive about the Masai, but dude's ready to kill for any slight

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

It's pronounced Poh-pay

Gentleman Brendan

Keesha whispered to Joe: "jambo means 'Check out these dorky ofays.' "

gellaho

You're fucking weird, ghostwriter

Gentleman Brendan

Dude, I will wash an elephant every day of my life.

gellaho

Really fucking weird

Gentleman Brendan

That's not a task, that's a chance to be happy.

I thought flapping ears was aggression.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Yeah I'm pretty sure it is.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The elephant is trying to slip a note that says 'help me' into Frank's pocket.

FancyShark

Sammy wants them dead

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Joe's gonna be jealous if Frank gets an elephant handy first

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

When an elephant flirts its usually by giving you a trunk job.

gellaho

Sexually aggressive

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Or twirling its penis.

You know, elephants can use their penis as a kickstand? Its rad.

gellaho

"You genius detectives couldn't figure that out by how he reacted every time Masai came up?"

gellaho

FancyShark

Suddenly, Frank has an epiphany. They were in Africa!

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

That explains EVERYTHING

gellaho

This elephant is going to end up killing for Frank

FancyShark

At least this Callie will be more durable

gellaho

"What? It's not like Oyamo was weird about Lincoln before or anything!"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Of course CHRIS LINCOLN, Frank. Who did you think we were talking about? Abraham? Todd?"

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

MASTERS OF SUBTLETY

gellaho

I'm sure Frank's acting is what attracted the elephant

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Frank, what do you think we are discussing right now? No, let him talk..........No Frank, we aren't looking for a doctor to dig around in a president's guts for a bullet."

Gentleman Brendan

You mean you don't?

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Mine's just not sturdy enough to bear my weight for very long, and I'm afraid of bending it and it sticking at a 90 degree angle.

gellaho

"Hey, Frank? Shut the fuck up"

Gentleman Brendan

This book feels like a long setup to talk shit about the Masai.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Sammy wonders if it's worth mentioning that one of the lions coughed up a belt buckle with a CL monogram on it a few days ago.

gellaho

His popemobile?

FancyShark

GET THEM!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Note how it doesnt mention both the old man and the teen boy are wearing basketball jerseys and Nikes.

gellaho

For the Rex Moran fans out there

FancyShark

Fuck yes

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Like, with his bare hands?

FancyShark

No. With his teeth. It needs to be fair.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Because Katie Goldin already established that's a bad idea

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

I believe you get a pointed stick.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

I know— wheelbarrow

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Tho to be fair I dont know, maybe theyve used rifles for years.

FancyShark

Book can't look it up, I'm not going to

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Also that's fucked up, the lion didn't do anything to him

Yet

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

It's not for us to know, I mean that would require us to have some kind of huge data network that spans continents and contains the sum total of human knowledge and dialogue, that would be crazy.

gellaho

Instant translation software installed in the child

gellaho

Apparently they have to use some kind of rad knife

FancyShark

Frank using the past tense of "live", hoping to see a corpse

gellaho

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

He knew the white guy's hut because it sucked

FancyShark

Butter knife. Carving knife. Lion knife.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Knives are just really short pointed sticks.

gellaho

Case closed. Only one person is allowed to smoke the same brand of cigarettes

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Oh Frank

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Way to ruin a villages tanning for the year, Frank.

FancyShark

Now the cowhides are ruined

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

You ass.

FancyShark

lol, scooped

gellaho

Apparently, Lincoln decided to not write in English

gellaho

gellaho

For no reason

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

We need a cigarette warning on this book

Gentleman Brendan

Frank recognized the language. It was Foreigner!

FancyShark

HOT BLOODED! CHECK IT A-

oh wait

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

It felt like the first time

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

HEAD GAAAAMES!

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Frank wants to know what love is

HE WANTS YOU TO SHOW HIM

gellaho

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN BROTHER? WE MUST CONSUME

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

SHUT THE FUCK UP FRANK!

FancyShark

Half of Africa will be lost to the Hardy Abyss before they're done

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

You had a chance for some real character development!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They're having the lion that tenga's cousin killed last week.

gellaho

There's the stupid Joe I know

FancyShark

It's written backwards

Please say it's written backwards

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

It doesn't look like any language joe knows, which narrows it down to all of them.

Gentleman Brendan

Oyama burst into the tent: WHO? Who has taken my diary? Maybe I will share YOUR dream-poetry with the people to laugh at!

Gentleman Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

He holds up the book to the computer and says "COMPUTER. TRANSLATE"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Cut to five minutes later Joe is ramming the clue into Franks ear and screaming "ANALYZE IT, ROBOT!"

gellaho

Frank and Joe decide it's a good idea to go looking for poachers by themselves

FancyShark

Because it worked so well last time

Gentleman Brendan

Bullshit they had a computer that could OCR Swahili in '94

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Yes, looking for adult men with firearms in Africa in the dark. Great idea, boys.

Gentleman Brendan

OCR didn't get good till 2009, corporate, then 2014, smartphones

gellaho

I AM INVINCIBLE!!!

FancyShark

Someday a Highlander is going to show up to challenge Joe and this will all make sense

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Uh.....Frank? I think one of those guys has an M60!"

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Oh no, I have to drive home, CLIFFHANGER

Gentleman Brendan

Joe is taking it on the chin today.

gellaho

FUCK YOU, I CANNOT DIE!

gellaho

JOE SMASH!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

That poacher probably has a 50\50 chance of having some antique bolt action or an AK-47

gellaho

"Jesus, you rangers suck"

FancyShark

"They also called us names and dumped our books"

gellaho

Is this your first day on the job, Pope?

FancyShark

Yeah, you're totally up to fighting poachers

Mati was better equipped

Gentleman Brendan

Keesha sidled up to Joe, and murmured, "White savior is actually a derogatory term."

gellaho

Ah, Rosalyn is a sociopath. Got it

FancyShark

Oh hell. She's Lady Frank

gellaho

Joe's finally lost it

FancyShark

Treebeard doesn't understand the hate

Gentleman Brendan

If caring more about leopards than Hardys makes you a sociopath, then you might as well call me a sociopath, too.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Okay I'm home, did Joe die?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

She was worried their pelts might have been damaged.

gellaho

You should know the answer is no

FancyShark

Nope. Yelled at a monkey though

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

I was feeling optimistic

Monkeys are dicks, I'm okay with that

gellaho

Can you figure out the message, kids?

gellaho

BRING ME THE FEMALES

Gentleman Brendan

"Maybe Keesha can decipher. I don't speak African." --Joe

gellaho

Could this have to do with the Operation: Phoenix from the cover?

gellaho

No way to know

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Nope

FancyShark

"Building immortal birds since 1965"

gellaho

The parade of hideous middle aged men continues

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

No thats just a CIA front for funneling money to anticommunist warlords. Nothing suspicious there.

Gentleman Brendan

"burned down in '75...reopened in 77"

gellaho

MORE UGLY MEN! MORE!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"NO! YOU BUY! TEN SHILLING!"

gellaho

FATTER! UGLIER!

FancyShark

Criminals in the Hardy universe must think guns are knives

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

If you say you're in the import export business I just assume you're a smuggler.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Yeah this is all a CIA op, way to get in the way of FREEDOM Hardy Boys

gellaho

"BUT, BROTHER, WE CANNOT BE KILLED!"

"NOT YET, BROTHER. THEIR TIME HAS NOT ARRIVED"

FancyShark

They haggle hard here

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This is a very elaborate Fenton prank.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"NOW WHAT DID I TELL YOU BOYS ABOUT MANGOES?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Ten. Shillings.

FancyShark

"I'm giving you nine, no matter how many fingers you take"

gellaho

THE TIME IS NOW, BROTHER!

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Also thats a little less than ten dollars for a MANGO!

Fuckin highway robbery!

Gentleman Brendan

I mean, if you're going to announce that plan, I say you've just incentivized the stunts.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Someone saw Raiders of the Lost Ark, probably

Gentleman Brendan

"Don't make a scene, please come with us to where we can kill you."

gellaho

DEATH IS FOR PUNY HUMANS, BROTHER!

Gentleman Brendan

Only now, with death all around him, was Joe finally alive.

Alright, Chinese is here. #savepoint

Mister Shark, you know your mission.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

I've always planned to tell my kidnappers "No, you just go ahead and splatter my brain all over the interior of this car or this street. Just FYI doing that will vastly increase the chances of you getting caught because you'll be covered in blood and smell like a slaughterhouse, but that wont be my problem."

FancyShark

gellaho

Weirdly squished Angel there

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I hope they run into some hippos.

FancyShark

Yeah. Boreanaz compresses odd

gellaho

"Hey, Joe? Shut the fuck up"

gellaho

I don't need this from both of you

FancyShark

Joe is in full "Year in Tibet" mode

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Joe......I hope that guy shoots you in the face.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe Is coming back to America with some very problematic clothes and art.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

And only now do I really know the full meaning of that Dawn of War quote about hope.

gellaho

The Hardys arrive back exactly where they were, as if time didn't pass. As if this were a video game

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

They triggered the cut scene

FancyShark

"I'm sorry for the delay at the airport you cannot enter"

gellaho

"I, Rashid, am 90% cigarette smoke"

FancyShark

Like, his pupils dilated?

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

NOTHING EVIL HERE

FancyShark

Did the molly just hit?

gellaho

I apologize for saying Dr. Bodine got a mail-in doctorate before

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's got those contact lenses that darken in the sunlight.

gellaho

She definitely got a mail-in Carribean doctorate

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"They changed color as the Arabic eye is wont to do." Said Frank in the police inquiry.

FancyShark

If she's not planning on dissecting them, she's really bad at noticing warning signs

gellaho

You really shouldn't be staying at the White Castle Hotel and Resort then, doctor

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Uh......Doctor Bodine, thats really insensitive. We have an absentee father, you need to maybe check your parent having privilege."

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

"We got shot at with bull -- fights. Bullfights."

Dr. Bodine shakes her head. "I pity your parents."

FancyShark

"I'll have artichoke hearts"

"HEARTS ARE MEAT"

gellaho

I don't believe you

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"I'm a stereotypical vegetarian, so I will make you conform to my ethical standards."

FancyShark

That famous African tuna salad

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

'the Victorian influence' is an interesting euphemism for imperialism.

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"The irony of that escapes me, because my diet is deficient in iron."

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

I ate zebra when I was in Africa

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Zebra seems like it would be fuckin tasty.

FancyShark

That's why you were thrown out of the zoo?

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

But leave it to them to order canned tuna

gellaho

I mean, I'm no lemon expert, but

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

It was thirty years ago, I don't remember what it tasted like

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

And lemonade, when they could be drinking something cool.

Like sweet tea.

FancyShark

They should be eating sesame cake

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Or zebra blood

gellaho

How dare you boys try suicide pranks in my compound!

FancyShark

"How dare you try to die before paying me to stay here!"

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Ooooh look at me, I eat so many cool things I can forget the taste of exotic equine!" 😁

gellaho

I'm thinking secret redhead now

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Those mischievous kids

FancyShark

"I only hire cowards. Explain yourselves."

gellaho

I'm on to you, lady

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Good descriptive writing there

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The part of Joe's brain responsible for self preservation has been mashed into a fine paste.

gellaho

Maybe secret bovine

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Never trust salad eaters

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

"Her hair wasnt blond, it was painted with a reflective substance to protect her from the rays of the sun! SHE WAS A REDHEAD ALL ALONG!"

FancyShark

I dunno. I enjoy eating a good tossed salad

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Who knows what else they eat at AIRPORTS THEY AREN'T ALLOWED IN

gellaho

This made me laugh out loud

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

Zing

gellaho

That wine sip got me

Got me good

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Hahahahahaha, oh well Doctor Bodine, at least its still the 90s and you can have a little hope left.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Rosalyn finishes her wine, looks at the Hardys, and orders a double Scotch, neat.

Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist

I'll be honest, this is making me want to watch one of the really racist seventies Roger Moore Bond flicks

gellaho

Lot of unnecessary details in here

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Lol pay phones.

FancyShark

"Damn these people that prioritize luxury over preservation," she said before eating her ortolan

Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage

Also Frank is suprised Fenton picked up, he usually ignores their calls.

gellaho

If only he had teen backup

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Phrasing, Frank.