Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
The vultures find it hilarious.
70: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #64: Endangered Species Franklin W. Dixon
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When danger is uncaged, the only law is the law of survival.
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FancyShark
At last, Joe's immortality becomes a curse
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
This is like reading the screenplay for Gerry.
Gentleman Brendan
Or Swiss Army Man
gellaho
This is such a weird book
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Only I dont have hope Joe will strangle Frank.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's kidney stones were worth it
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
YEAH! Drink that water! Its probably fine.
The gritty texture will filter out the shigella!
gellaho
NO REST
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Nancy Drew is thwarting a smuggling ring at an airport
gellaho
CONSTANT PERIL
This is up there with the best of the fucking best
FancyShark
So they were drugged. How much of this is them stumbling around a closet?
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
I mean that lion probably doesn't give a fuck about two idiot teens.
gellaho
Screamers, Dead of Night, the Fart Cannon one
FancyShark
Even better, this is PART ONE
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
I am so excited by the fact theres a part two!
gellaho
Let's see how Frank gets out of this one
FancyShark
By book three, they're going to be making pungi sticks and slitting Russian throats to get their father out of a moon prison
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Had to feed cat, did they die or get miraculously rescued?
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Oh you did the one thing you should never do when confronted with a lion. Run around and scream.
FancyShark
Nope. Attacked by a lion
Gentleman Brendan
Lions climb trees, but apparently only some, and in Uganda.
gellaho
In come the Masai to save the day and become A MAN
FancyShark
YES
YOU THOUGHT WE FORGOT THAT THREAD
gellaho
SLEEENDERRRR
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fuck yeah, Tenga.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
HOTDOGGERS NEVER FORGET!
FancyShark
What?
Gentleman Brendan
This writer sure prioritizes the shade of everyone's African skintone
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Oh hey, its those two white kids I met a while back. What the fuck are you guys doing out here?"
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
My cat would've eaten them
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"No, dont drink all my water."
gellaho
The ghostwriter is into it
Wait, what
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Same
gellaho
We're not going to explain that? OK
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Frank can't feel anything unless blood is in the offing. All emotion drained away with the lion's last gasp
gellaho
This is actually a fairly complicated concept to give children to wrestle with
gellaho
This book is weird
FancyShark
This book rules
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
He did kill that lion to save their lives
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Yeah it translates to something like "You stupid white asshole, I could go to prison for this so you better keep your mouth shut, colonizer."
gellaho
Frank thought, "I've stopped multiple nuclear calamities. Eat my ass"
FancyShark
This writer was told to write a Hardy Boys story for "older kids" and went fucking HAM
gellaho
So, what, five people? Based on the police force in the rest of the series anyway
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Since when does the doctor give a shit about the Hardys?
FancyShark
Mr. Bean is accident prone. These two are harbingers of chaos.
gellaho
Each major metropolitan area has one (1) cop
FancyShark
Usually Irish
Almost always too old for this shit
Gentleman Brendan
There was a guy in Alaska shot a bear charging him, and it turned out to be a mammoth hybrid of a grizzly/polar bear. He still had to go to court over it. Because it was part polar bear, so it was protected even though it looked like Satan's own grizzly when it's coming at you and the size of a sedan.
gellaho
I'm anticipating a maaaaaaaaaan
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
They know that missing white kids means the US is gonna be PISSED
gellaho
Why do people think you are dead?
Gentleman Brendan
Joefrank, two-faced god of pandemonium.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Bodine has been calling in particular because her lawyer told her "You know if those kids die its your fault, right?"
gellaho
You mean the Pope? Yeah, he's cool.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Bodine got in touch with Fenton and suddenly felt very protective of the boys.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"His mitre is a bit suspicious but his orb and scepter check out."
FancyShark
"We almost died in the desert, Dad."
"hahaha, gotcha again!"
Gentleman Brendan
Hello, poachers. This is...BENTON HARBLY, ivory trader.
gellaho
My summary of American Pie
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait. Did that kidnapping merchant bit go anywhere?
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"I have come to purchase ONE illegal elephant tusks please."
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Oh Rusty
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Bustin makes Joe feel good, but he wont understand that joke.
FancyShark
"I speak the Crime Lingo, hep cattle!"
gellaho
YOU KIDS HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB TELLING ME MY PARTNER IS DEAD
Gentleman Brendan
Frank, a 19-year-old, is patronizing this middle-aged lawman who lost his best friend.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Yeah we just found some jackal shit, gnawed bones, and a dorks knapsack, did you know he had his name and address in New York written on it like a third grader?"
FancyShark
"I assume you have physical evidence of his killer and didn't leave it in the middle of the fucking desert?"
gellaho
What an unexpected result from ugly middle aged man #4
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's like 'i get it, my girlfriend exploded '.
Gentleman Brendan
In many ways, she was like a partner to me.
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
TWIST
gellaho
Jesus fucking Christ
FancyShark
Then she was many partners, if you think about it
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"RASHID? H-HOW?! WHY? WHEN?"
FancyShark
SPOUTING
gellaho
"He's OK, his head is just gushing blood"
Who needs blood in their head?
You name me one vital organ in the head
Just one, I dare ya
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He must have hit one of those head arteries.
FancyShark
It's fine. He just needs a hamburger
Gentleman Brendan
Rangers are useful to poachers. They know where all the elephants are.
Gentleman Brendan
Tongue.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Now tell me, Ranger Pope, where are you hiding the Gorilla Bishops?"
Gentleman Brendan
Literally the only sense that makes my life better instead of worse in this hellscape.
gellaho
Could there be a villain inside the compound? Unlikely
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Cardinal Giraffe has turned against you!"
gellaho
The living space not smelling up to your standards?
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Head wounds do bleed heavily
FancyShark
They suddenly see Rafiki, alive and collecting her payout
gellaho
An inside man? Impossible
FancyShark
They used carbon paper to dupe the veterinarian. Do you really need there to be a traitor?
Gentleman Brendan
No, there's some weird BO smell in my office and I can't place it. I think it's from the chair I got off craigslist but in a weird ambient way.
gellaho
Rashid is unaware that Joe is fueled by explosions
Gentleman Brendan
Keesha did it.
gellaho
He has not read Screamers
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Oh god Rashid you..........JUST SLIT THEIR GODDAM THROATS1
FancyShark
"Rashid! The jeeps are all out of gasoline!"
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
WHy are you trying to make it look like an accident NOW?!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Did they ever circle back to that cigarette clue in the Masai village?
gellaho
Screamers doesn't happen for 8 more books, but whatever
The fact that Screamers and Bad Rap are one after another is insane
Anyway, Rashid is horny for fire
FancyShark
This really seems to be the sweet spot for good Hardy books
Gentleman Brendan
and then they left, their task accomplished.
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Leering?
Gentleman Brendan
gasoline on your skin isn't good regardless. they're going to need to shower quickly.
gellaho
Are we still having fun kids? Why are you crying?
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
What's Screamers?
FancyShark
Book about computers exploding from a computer virus
gellaho
Joe's immortality and bloodlust, all in one
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That sci Fi movie with Ron perlman?
FancyShark
QUICK! GET BODINE SOME WINE!
gellaho
One of the best books I've ever read https://gellaho.com/books/117-72-screamers
FancyShark
It was fucking awesome
gellaho
Did I cut the end of this paragraph for comedic effect or not? You'll never know
Gentleman Brendan
I don't remember screamers
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
I maybe read that one when I was a kid?
FancyShark
Chicago. Museum of Science and Industry got wrecked by a pile of computers against one wall
Gentleman Brendan
did they splode?
FancyShark
ooohhhh yes
gellaho
JOE SMASH
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Was that the one that codified the exploding computer trope?
FancyShark
It was!
gellaho
At least 50 computers exploded due to a virus created by a lady college student
Gentleman Brendan
YESSSS
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Note Joe is the one with an attractive young woman slung over his shoulders and Frank is the one lugging a gnarled dude with milky eyes who doesnt like them.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Bodine chugs a bottle of wine and smashes through the door like Popeye on spinach.
gellaho
Who did it for protest reasons?
It's been a while
FancyShark
We should revisit that one someday
or at least read the transcript on gellaho's site
gellaho
We're having fun
gellaho
gellaho
That's what I said!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
lady, If you actually looked at the paperwork you sign..
FancyShark
Yep, one signature and you can move illegal animals wherever you please
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
I'm beginning to think maybe Pope Rawji isnt as on the up and up and maybe the boys intensely non existent background check might be flawed.
gellaho
Stop being poetic, ghostwriter, it makes me feel weird
FancyShark
"I'll have to have two boxes of wine tonight"
Gentleman Brendan
the book never said WHOSE blood
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"we were going to tell you but assumed you would think it was another prank"
gellaho
JELLICOE!!!
gellaho
FancyShark
GASP
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
SHOCK!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Also the cigarette thing.
FancyShark
That too
gellaho
NOT DAD
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Chekhovs cigarrette! OF COURSE! IT LITERALLY SMOKES!
FancyShark
"Relax. Let's prank him."
gellaho
Not the character I've spent 27 books reading and I know almost nothing about!
Gentleman Brendan
Jellicoe traps come out at night
FancyShark
smash cut to Fenton getting his teeth pulled out with pliers, laughing at his kids' tomfoolery
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Oh no, what will they do without their dad's good natured attempts at mock execution?!
Gentleman Brendan
That line was GOLD! Shark will sit at my right hand in paradise.
gellaho
I don't know why 12:00 is important, but I'm not going to go back and check
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Joe flashes back to his eighth birthday, the first time Fenton pulled the trigger on the revolver and said "That could have been loaded."
It was the loudest click Joe had ever heard, but not for the last time.
gellaho
They have old wharfs in Africa?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Eventually joe realized that the jeep had a manual transmission.
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
He's buying ivory from poachers
gellaho
What is this, Time Blender?
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
At midnight
gellaho
Sick Michael Dorn burn
FancyShark
Ivory looks prettiest at high...midnight
gellaho
I don't think that's the phrase
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The moonlight glints of the piano keys just right.
FancyShark
"Wait, HE'S ACTUALLY DEAD!?"
<more sobbing>
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Try reading some of this dialogue out loud
gellaho
Just call me, Jake "The Snake" Jellicoe
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
It sounds very natural
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Was this ghost written by George Lucas?
FancyShark
"Trained that snake from a pup. Raised him on my own milk."
"You...don't know how animals work, do you?"
gellaho
Joe really wants to fuck Jellicoe
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Youd think a US government agent would just toss a grenade in the room but NOOOOOOO.
FancyShark
The...African police?
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Jellicoe hase to be all CLASSICAL.
gellaho
Look, none of it makes sense
FancyShark
Every villain wants to be Blofeld if they can't be the Joker
gellaho
Jellicoe and Lincoln were customs agents
I have no idea why they are in Africa
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"Kid.........I am an agent of the US Government. I have diplomatic immunity and shit. Probably."
gellaho
They aren't fucking CIA. They should be checking luggage
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
"When I get home the government will give me a slap on the wrist and a pardon and I'll write a memoir."
gellaho
Anyway, KARATE
gellaho
Which means Jellicoe was holding back?
FancyShark
How do you know Fenton can't punch out a bomb? Joe's immortality came from something
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe consistently out brawling older and bigger and heavier men always kind of puzzles me.
gellaho
Joe really has the explosion curse
gellaho
Can survive all explosions, but loved ones are exploded always
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
They are like Green Hornet in that they probably should not win that many fights and also do not have Bruce Lee to save their asses......
FancyShark
ohhhhhh, okay. So Operation Phoenix means they have to resurrect their dad
gellaho
Hey, our dad just exploded, could you give us a second?
FancyShark
This is Fenton's best prank yet
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Oh man how good would it be if Fenton did legit get explodicated all over Kenya and after this arc they never mention it again?
Ramb$ne Gracie
Fentanyl Hardy is immortal
gellaho
At least Jellicoe is going to African prison
gellaho
I'm sure that's fun
Gentleman Brendan
Jellicoe's such a hardened criminal he confesses out of fair play.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
I mean for about as long as it takes for the US government to retrieve him.
FancyShark
White guy goes to prison in Africa for murder and poaching. He'll have a great time.
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardys must be deaf from daily explosions.
gellaho
And we end with Frank swearing revenge for Fenton's death
gellaho
SLEEP WELL KIDS
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Frank hears thru his robot navel, and Joe has a special kind of sonar he uses by detecting vibrations thru his mastoid bones.
Frank is just riven with loss here, first Rafiki and now his dad.
FancyShark
Frank pauses and opens revenge.exe
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Over under on Fenton really being dead?
Gentleman Brendan
How long until Fenton reveals himself.
gellaho
NEXT TIME: Eat it, Swedes!
FancyShark
Book 3, I expect
gellaho
How very European of you
Gentleman Brendan
Boys it was necessary you think me dead to sell to the colombians that I couldn't possibly be the one trading ivory for cocaine
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I thought I taught you kids better."
Gentleman Brendan
PHOENIX!
It's a HYDRA!
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
LASER GIRAFFES?!
Ramb$ne Gracie
Turns out Fenton and Callie did a freaky Friday shortly before her explosion
FancyShark
I demand PHOENIX fight The Assassins!
Ramb$ne Gracie
Fenton has been gone a long time
FancyShark
oh no! But we're already on Callie 43!
Ramb$ne Gracie
Unfortunately final destination rules are in play
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
I bet the next book is gonna be a sober meditation on grief and the pain of losing a parent at a young age
Ramb$ne Gracie
Death stalks Callon
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #64: Operation: Phoenix #1: Endangered Species
gellaho
Fuck that's a mouthful
So ends Episode 70 of the Book Cage
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho ! This was amazing!
Great work, everyone!
I can't wait for the next one!
gellaho
Holy hell, I think I photographed most of that book
Ramb$ne Gracie
I enjoyed the 20 minutes I was able to attend!
gellaho
The Casefiles are fucking wild
Ramb$ne Gracie
Also may Joe finally consummate his karate romance with Jellicoe
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
Thanks Gellaho!
Or is it… JELLIHOE?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This one was a step above. Good work everyone.
Gentleman Brendan
With the rise of the Phoenix, the Company will return.
gellaho
Ooh, wait
FancyShark
In the meantime, think about how your own father could die in an explosion, kids!
DO IT
gellaho
Next time (whenever we get back to the boys): NO MERCY
Agent of Fortune, Not a Cultist
That's an amazing tagline
FancyShark
Masterful emoji work, @Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
Proxy vs Predator
"Long live the king"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I do like the implication that there is a right road to revenge.
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
I learned the craft at the feet of Shifu Hambone.
FancyShark
You learned from the best
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
I remember when they told me to do that hundred mile high death walk with one leg, and I said "I dont think this is safe or really how Discord works, Shifu."
And I fell and tore my head clean off.
But Hambone was there with emojis of wisdom.
FancyShark
Hambone will guide you, if you only listen
gellaho
Frank really looks like he's trying to kill Joe there
Ramb$ne Gracie
That's the true revenge
FancyShark
"I can be free"
Ramb$ne Gracie
Joe was the Phoenix the entire time
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
NOW I WILL FINALLY CUM AND BE FREE, FLESH BROTHER!
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
NOOOOOOO THATS NOT HOW THAT WORKS!
Gentleman Brendan
All this time, Joe. I never realized. it was death. Death was release.
gellaho
It's a new definition of Stockholm Syndrome, let me tell you
FancyShark
Heyoooo!
gellaho
That one's in the upper echelon
These have a lot to live up to
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM TASTES LIKE!
Pre Apocalypse Flippant Sausage
OH SHIT A BRUNCH GHOST!
