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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 72: The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #65: The Phoenix Equation #2: No Mercy
Time to continue to unravel the secrets of the Phoenix Equation. An equation we have not yet been introduced to. Fenton Hardy is dead. I mean, not really because we've read passed this, but just pretend. On to Sweden, and spy shenanigans after the poacher shenanigans from last time. Why are all of the books I have in this series British? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
FancyShark
Still holding out hope this is one of Fenton's pranks
gellaho
He's quite the famous prankster
Based on that one prank that one time
FancyShark
Threatening your children with a firearm while in disguise is the kind of prank that you only pull when you don't fully mean it as a prank
gellaho
Under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #65: The Phoenix Equation #2: No Mercy. Here is the preview, which seems more exciting than the cover indicates
gellaho
This one was not nearly as possible with the British children
gellaho
Tag yourself. I'm "SOHAM"
FancyShark
MAMOB
Fatamatician: Curator
EMOB
Juho
If BUTT is available, what other choice is there.
FancyShark
I'll be a few minutes late to the read on account of needing to go buy drugs
1000 Space GDCs
I'm glad I remembered to pick up some drugs yesterday.
gellaho
I don't know how I feel about performance enhancing drugs
Time to begin the process
gellaho
Let's settle down, ghostwriter.
gellaho
Starting somber and horny. A rare combination
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe tie on their matching red headbands and rack the slides on their machine guns.
gellaho
Basically
HARDYS DEMAND VENGEANCE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm not hoping but it would be awesome if this became like an 80's revenge movie.
Frank and Joe raiding a strip club, Frank and Joe ramping a muscle car while firing uzis.
gellaho
Welcome back Ranger Pope
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Full Continuity is new and strange. Usually side characters just disappear into the void.
gellaho
Frank Hardy is a loose cannon cop on the edge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank is like five minutes from putting a gun to Saids' head and pulling the trigger only for Said to find it was empty.........this time.
1000 Space GDCs
Frank is done pretending to have human emotions.
FancyShark
It's all blowtorches and steel wire now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Said might become more familiar than he'd like with the taste of gunmetal.
Brendan
Sorry for the delay, I was playing with a wiggly puppy.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pupper delays are inevitable and delightful.
gellaho
JELLICOOOOOOOOOOEEEE!
gellaho
gellaho
Discord thought those two pictures were over 100MB together
FancyShark
Joe thinks "Jellicoe" means "sandwich"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
SKI GUNFIGHT?!
Brendan
Say, aren't you the guy who, uh...my wife?
LyraV
Everyone heard that Joe, you were NOT whispering.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank is deaf in that ear anyway from all the explosions.
gellaho
Now it's personal
Brendan
You'd be stupid not to. It pays for itself the first month!
gellaho
JELLICOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEE!
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the elephant's family is struggling to get funeral arrangements made
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The elephants have to plan their 500 mile walk to their ancestral burial grounds and which bones to take.
Assuming they can find any.
Aw now Im sad.
gellaho
JOE SMASH
gellaho
gellaho
Turns out Discord thinks any two files are larger than 100 MB
FancyShark
Ranger Rawji was the gritty early draft of Ranger Rick
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe this is why you keep a knife.
FancyShark
holy shit, Joe remembered Iola's name
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You could have slid a blade between his ribs and been ten feet away before anyone even realized he'd been stabbed.
gellaho
That's a good sign
Brendan
Not in the part of New England I'm from.
gellaho
Very consistent tone
FancyShark
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe firing M-16's out of a gondola. Frank and Joe ducking shurikens from Swiss ninjas.
FancyShark
Frank and Joe seducing and forgetting about spy babes
Brendan
One dead human is a really fair price to end all poaching in Kenya.
gellaho
"I must take the law into my own hands."
...
"Thank you, and here's your tip. These are very nice rooms, I must say"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe cauterizing their gunshot wounds with gunpowder.
FancyShark
VENGEANCE WILL BE OURS! Please don't fold the towels while we're gone. They're still clean.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe ordering room service and watching French porn.
Brendan
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH
gellaho
WE HAVE DECLARED A BLOOD VENDETTA, MOM
FancyShark
"Also, Dad's dead"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Don't worry Mom, your teen sons will avenge your husband."
"Also don't worry about getting his body, there wasn't one."
"Oh did you not get told that?"
"Yeah we get some real savings on caskets."
gellaho
"Fuck off, Mom, I'm a high school junior and I shall have my revenge!"
FancyShark
"What do you mean 'you already heard this joke'?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The small placard pays for itself, really."
Brendan
Barbarella Hardy always knew when she married a Fed that one day he would die in an explosion in Kenya.
FancyShark
So it took the death of her husband for her to think her children might die
gellaho
NO MERCY, NO RULES
FancyShark
Yes. YES.
Brendan
Nah, just to care.
A MURDER OF HARDYS
FancyShark
Momma Hardy finally heard something through the valium haze
gellaho
NO RULES! But smalltalk shall remain
FancyShark
Please call in Chet. Pleeeeeaaaase call in Chet.
gellaho
So, nothing has changed then
LyraV
Chet is going to dig the local cuisine while the Hardys fulfill their blood debt.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chet arrives with a bare, muscular chest with crossed bandoliers and a belt of hand grenades.
And the boys are like "What the fuck Chet, we thought you were fat!?"
1000 Space GDCs
Chet walking around cramming pickled herring into his face.
Brendan
This is when they found out that both of them are Jason Bourne.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"FAT WITH VIOLENCE!"
gellaho
More bald men, more!
gellaho
At least the government is wasting all their bald men on this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They think that until Chet cracks a man's skull open with a car door.
FancyShark
"Human skull isn't that different from a walnut."
"What...are you, Chet?"
gellaho
You boys are important material witnesses. But, you can still fuck around in Sweden for now
Brendan
ICE Capades 2: The Stockholm Gambit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh cool another Customs agent.........Not like the last one was dirty and blew up their dad.
And I dont think Customs agents get to tell people where to vacation, Frank. Wink. Wink.
FancyShark
You can just leave a country, white males. It's fine.
gellaho
"You Americans watch too many spy movies..."
gellaho
"Just like me!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sweden is very fine to VACATION to in the summer, Frank and Joe.
FancyShark
This driver rules
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Right?
No questions, just accelleration.
FancyShark
"You two are clearly fucking with me, but I'm down with it"
1000 Space GDCs
This cab driver was waiting for someone to say that his entire career
Brendan
Everyone drives a Volvo 240DL, I assure you it's a 3-minute acceleration to 60.
I know from personal CT yuppie experience.
FancyShark
Zero to sixty while you wait
gellaho
How could I forget such a memorable name?
gellaho
FancyShark
Those unmatched wire services
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"How could we forget this guy who's name has never come up once!"
Brendan
You could count to sixty faster.
gellaho
Redhead check: does Mike Ryan count?
FancyShark
It'll do. For now.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah lets say "provisional."
1000 Space GDCs
That commodore is going to explode, isn't it?
gellaho
"Tell me who to kill"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It didnt describe him as "willowy" or "statuesque" so........
FancyShark
Oh fuck yes. Are they assembling a team?
1000 Space GDCs
Mike opens up a hidden panel behind the stacks of newspapers, revealing a massive arsenal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe firing RPGs out the back of a truck Mark is driving.
gellaho
Go orsenb yourself
FancyShark
The Swedish Chef is going to be the wild card in their group
gellaho
Prediction time: what was wrong?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's got knives.
FancyShark
The taxi isn't a taxi
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sniper is drawing a bead on one of them.
Or a car bomb goes off.
FancyShark
Car bomb would be very on brand
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or a rando shoots at them with a pistol and runs off.
gellaho
Winner, winner, chicken dinner
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah nice.
It's fine tho, Joe took it in the plate.
Tho how rad would it be if Joe died and Frank had to get DOUBLE VENGEANCE!
gellaho
Anticlimax achieved
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol what the fuck did Joe have in his backpack that stopped a bullet from a rifle?
FancyShark
Wow. Shitty sniper.
gellaho
I DECLARED T-SHIRT VENGEANCE
FancyShark
Carrie
gellaho
gellaho
I'm not really sure what the fuck actually happened there
FancyShark
Joe wears t-shirts made of kevlar
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The hell kind of rifle did this sniper use that some wadded up shirts stopped it?!
FancyShark
Nerf gun
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh shit it was a .22!
IT WAS THE MOSSAD!
LyraV
One of those wadded up kevlar vests.
gellaho
Did they know what they were doing, Frank?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fortunately the sniper was a dipshit and used a laser sight for no reason.
gellaho
And no shit a mugger wouldn't use a sniper rifle
How the fuck would that even work
FancyShark
"Give me your money or I'll make a cat go crazy"
1000 Space GDCs
"I'll ruin your vision, temporarily!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Get up on a billboard and pick off people who wander down an alley, the cop's AI can't reach you on the billboard so you can wait up there til the stars go away, and then go scoop up the wallets lying around.
gellaho
Very curious what Mike told the organizers of this fancy party to get these foreign teens in
Brendan
by law, one of these exclamations every 100 pages
FancyShark
Mike showed the organizers pictures of their children at school
gellaho
I'm guessing this has happened at least five times already in these books
FancyShark
It happens roughly every third book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
When you live the fast paced lifestyle of a Hardy Boy, you can barely remember all the black tie affairs you attend.
1000 Space GDCs
Yeah, but they all end with Joe being concussed and losing his memory of the event
gellaho
Very interesting. Our dad is dead
FancyShark
Maybe Joe is like Kazuki Fujita and his head is indestructible but his brain is mush
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's all a blur of Frank making awkward attempts at small talk and Joe having to be physically restrained from eating a waiter.
gellaho
Bunch of owls in these protestors
1000 Space GDCs
"Anyway, any of these locations would be a great setting for a shootout with lots of doves flying around. Just so you know."
FancyShark
Eleonara Grunewald is a name you give to either a smoking hot duchess or a withered wraith covered in ancient jewels
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is the scenery porn part of the movie, shortly before Frank and Joe ride a motorcycle thru a priceless cultural landmark firing shotguns.
LyraV
I thought it was the villain in Fantastic Beasts.
gellaho
Grunewald and Khoo, this fall on CBS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If ts not the surname of at least one Wolfenstein boss I would be surprised.
FancyShark
Phoenix rising from the ashes of the innocent is too metal to be a protest
gellaho
It's bothering me more than it probably should that they keep using "blond" for the ladies
FancyShark
Don't try to split the difference, ghost writer. I said one or the other
gellaho
This woman is tall, elegant, and sharp
Just say slender, ghostwriter
I KNOW YOU WANT TO
1000 Space GDCs
Ashes of the Innocent is a great band name.
FancyShark
It's code. They're all dudes. Blonde is the feminine version
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"She had a face like a hatchet and a body like also a hatchet."
"In fact, Frank and Joe were in a wood shed talking to an axe."
"In Detroit."
gellaho
Target acquired
gellaho
Target acquired?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"None of any of this was real, Frank and Joe are hallucinating from ergot poisoning."
FancyShark
The fashion model cheekbones, sadly, are being worn as earrings
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait.........ANOTHER woman? Like........what other woman?
FancyShark
Sure. Humans think like this.
gellaho
"Please hide your erection, please"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Most women seem to think Joe is a dork, his exploded GF must have been either attracted to that or had real low self esteem.
FancyShark
I mean, they do. But anyone that thinks that way has a meat box in the basement
1000 Space GDCs
That's where they keep the other women Joe 'charmed'.
LyraV
Uh-oh thought Joe, Frank has seduced yet another middle aged graying father with his charismatic charm.
gellaho
If daddy Khoo is Thai, I have some doubts about how similar his eyes are to his green-eyed daughters
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh they don't mean color.
gellaho
Murderbot might be on the fratricide path
FancyShark
DO IT
That's what this has all been leading to.
It's the only way it can end.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Now Frank. He could be pumping her for information.
gellaho
SLEEENDERRRR
FancyShark
Linska is looking for a Mr. Baggins of the Shire
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They all but say "Linska looked like a total nerd."
gellaho
Laser gun?
FancyShark
Like a radar gun?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank remembers shootings very differently.
FancyShark
Because otherwise, that's an incredibly shitty laser
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ghost writer momentarily forgot he was writing a mystery and not sci-fi.
gellaho
I guess that's what they're calling a sniper with a laser sight
Rutger is so lonely
gellaho
"Please come view my military secrets, teen!"
FancyShark
"I have Fresca!"
"And Mario Party!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
When a European man asks you to visit his laboratory, you say no.
Just no.
At best, you are going to get involved in some wacky hijinks when his sister barges in to fuck with shit, and at worst you are going to be sewn into a meat golem.
FancyShark
It really depends on the lighting
gellaho
Frank is the most naive man in the world
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its even worse if you bring a sibling, thats how you end up cut down the middle and sewn together.
gellaho
Maybe this is prejudicial, but when you just left Kenya after dealing with a bunch of smugglers. Maybe don't trust the poorly dressed, sweaty Middle-eastern guy at the fancy Swedish party
FancyShark
Frank, do they automatically speak English in Sweden?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Why of course, mysterious stranger, I will of course walk into the hedge maze with you where no witnesses can see. Wilikers, that gun looks heavy, would you like me to hold it for you?"
gellaho
What? No!
gellaho
The red-haired woman doesn't count if she's fake
FancyShark
Great detective work, Frank
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
47 strikes again!
FancyShark
GASP! That's why there are so many bald men!
gellaho
Having fun, kids?
Brendan
Does Sweden have its own Haardy boys?
Brendan
Sorry, @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage both of your guesses split the difference.
FancyShark
They did, but Das Haadi Boys ran into the Russian mob and now they're just torsos
Brendan
Oh wait that was shark
and scooped, too!
gellaho
Yes, probably should have
Brendan
I'm catching up, sorry. my friend called.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe team up with Franke and Joseph Haardi for Squared Dragon.
FancyShark
Oh no. The idiot criminals are becoming self-aware
gellaho
The action in this book is very strange
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean a good garroting is never to be passed on.
FancyShark
Burst. Crouched. Sprang. Popped. Throbbing.
It's like the writer is trying to communicate something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The real problem is you fucked up so badly that you failed to lock in the wire and pulled, my dude. Very sloppy.
FancyShark
This is why I only assassinate with chainsaws
gellaho
If I can't kill that teen, I'm killing somebody
FancyShark
Rutger naturally draws gunfire. It's a quirk
Brendan
I am mad at the world now that I never dated a 19-year-old Swedish-Thai Olympic skier when it was appropriate to do so. Go to hell, Dixon.
FancyShark
Yea-
Wait, "when it was appropriate"?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I also want to run over Swedish tech nerds working for the defense industry. It's natural.
gellaho
Goddammit, ghostwriter, dove. It's dove. This is the second time
1000 Space GDCs
Yeah, this scene needs some doves.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
i mean you age out of dating 19 year olds pretty quickly at the very least.
FancyShark
That's fair
Brendan
I mean if I met one now, it would be pretty creepy that she's younger than my nieces.
gellaho
You make software for missiles, Rutger.
Brendan
But counterpoint I was dating 40s in my 20s by preference, so...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
FancyShark
"I'm just an innocent architect of mass murder!"
FancyShark
Once again, you are my hero
Brendan
What I'm saying is I will entertain olympic skier offers if they're old enough to drink.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
When you get over 30 most 19 year olds are like plants anyway.
gellaho
Frank wants that blood on his hands
Brendan
Isn't that a British/American thing?
FancyShark
Eleonara is starting to win me over
Brendan
I use dove a lot and dreamt
there are some subtler differences that stick around more in the colonies.
FancyShark
That's a good question
gellaho
Frank goes back for the gun
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank........you know what you are going to do with that gun.
FancyShark
Hardys being practical? What is this?
FancyShark
Sell it for information on who tried to kill him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cut to Frank doing a monologue in a mirror, shirtless.
gellaho
Why are you acting like her involvement is new information
FancyShark
"Are you talking to me, Carrie? I don't see anyone else around, so you must be talking to me."
gellaho
Frank draws his newly acquired firearm
FancyShark
"Joe. Get the rope."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank are you going to just accuse anyone who was in Mombasa for a bit recently?
FancyShark
Next, Frank brutally tortures a group from Doctors Without Borders
gellaho
Joe's bloodlust has been replaced by regular lust
FancyShark
Which is really the ultimate "fuck you, Dad"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean I would immediately forget my dead dad as well if a sexy, athletic, rich woman seemed like she thought I was cute.
FancyShark
Oh yeah, same. My dad would understand
gellaho
Frank almost shoots Mike
FancyShark
The gun starts whispering to him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank, you better not mention that gun to ANYONE because I'm pretty sure you are committing like four different crimes having that gun in your pocket.
gellaho
Pumping something, I'm sure
1000 Space GDCs
Frank is bold to assume Joe is that subtle.
FancyShark
Rage is clouding his judgement
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well actually I was going to insert my penis into her orifices and rub it in and out to the point of issue, but I guess information is also something I could get."
gellaho
Sex on the Norrmalm
FancyShark
Then the car explodes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol what did Joe say to make her this interested?
FancyShark
"Free passport"
1000 Space GDCs
Hijinks ensue when they realize they've actually gone to Abnorrmalm.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is easily the least believable part of this story about teen detetives getting vengeance for their exploded dad.
gellaho
Round 2
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe is such a nerd most of the time I cannot believe for a second he has game this good.
FancyShark
The magic will end when Joe starts explaining how stupid women are
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He must have said "I have cocaine. Would you like to do some cocaine with me?"
Models love cocaine.
gellaho
Oh, it's so good to have the instantly resolved cliffhangers
1000 Space GDCs
Someone tries to run down the Hardys about 50% of the time they step onto the street.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And generally they love cordial offers to do frienship cocaine .
FancyShark
The Hardy Boys are the reason for every video on how to safely cross a street
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is what you get when you contract non-union assassins.
Brendan
My dad would haunt me if I didn't.
gellaho
Joe's boner will let him believe anything
Brendan
Hahaha, this isn't even 50 pages later.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I would also be stunned that anyone would want to whack a nerd like Joe.
FancyShark
I want this to end up being Ilsa trying to kill them just because Joe is a dweeb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So her story checks out.
FancyShark
That car is just circling the block
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Look, for an hour he showed me his stamp collection, I thought that was an American euphemism for sex."
"He would NOT SHUT UP about Sacajawea quarters."
gellaho
You aren't the two teens that blew up our operation in Kenya, right?
gellaho
It's not like we have people here trying to kill you
If we did, they would have told us
Otherwise that would be ridiculous
FancyShark
"We only ship dull birds. It's policy."
"If a crayfish isn't seated in at least Comfort+, we bail on the whole flight"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It would also be great if they DO only ship animals above board but ARE trying to kill Frank and Joe because Ilsa's dad doesn't want her to fuck Joe.
gellaho
Hmm, that's not the phrase
FancyShark
BURRRRRN
gellaho
"Frank was feeling like a fifty-seventh wheel"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank can't count, which is strange for a robut.
FancyShark
He's never heard of the numbers 3 or 4
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I expected him to not understand idioms and such tho.
So that scans.
gellaho
Weird, but OK
gellaho
Ilsa runs through the ship/hostel and instantly disappears
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
There's only one reason your rich sexy date takes you to a youth hostel in Stockholm. To score weed.
Brendan
I dunno man...her dad blew up my dad but she's 19 with the body of a Nordic skier, and everything she does is automatically a Swedish-Thai stereotype because there's no one else like her. I think I'll date her for the summer and just see if her father's still part of an international crime syndicate hellbent on killing me.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Even then.........yeah give her a chance.
1000 Space GDCs
It's gonna tear Joe apart when he realizes Ilsa ordered the hit on his dad.
gellaho
Really getting beaten in this one
gellaho
Time for a swim
FancyShark
Yep. Youth hostel. Not a human trafficking ship
Brendan
This is where Ilsa loses Joe. If you want to be his lover, you've got to get with his friends.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He'll have forgotten about it by the next set of books.
These assassins are getting more and more inept.
1000 Space GDCs
I mean he just took another hit, and lost the spring of 1988.
FancyShark
Ilsa's going to get car bombed, or "Joe'd"
gellaho
That was close?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cmon. People survive falling in water all the time.
FancyShark
Still more capable than The Assassins terrorist group
Joe's familiar is talking to him again
Brendan
Strong hands grasped him from behind?? Joe, you fool, this isn't Sweden, it's Switzerland! You've fallen prey to French and Italian letches!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Letches with the best bread and pasta in town.
FancyShark
Joe is sold into sex slavery as "unkillable dumbass American bottom"
Brendan
Some would consider that a blessing.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Frank has gone to meet with Agent Fairchild
Brendan
Is she a redhead?
gellaho
He is a bald guy, so maybe
Frank realizes that Phoenix Enterprises might be involved!
gellaho
Which they already knew!
gellaho
And is the only reason they're in Sweden!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Did the ghost writer not read or write the previous book?!
FancyShark
Either the Hardys are forgetting basic shit or the writer is
1000 Space GDCs
The ghost writer of this chapter didn't read the previous ghostwriter's chapters.
gellaho
Don't forget that!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The previous ghost writer set himself on fire in protest that he couldnt include Chet.
Yeah Joe, its pretty hard to believe she likes you and not you know..........is setting you up to be murdered.
Since every time you are around her you get another murder attempt.
gellaho
Joe speak Swedish now too?
1000 Space GDCs
Joe, have you ever met a girl who wasn't involved in a crime?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
INVOLVED? No.
Committing? Yeah a couple.
gellaho
gellaho
I wonder how long it's going to take to put that together
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
🤔
FancyShark
They realize they have to track down Orson Welles
gellaho
Book nerds, I knew they'd be involved
FancyShark
John Grisham is playing hardball this time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe and Orson team up to take on The Grandmaster Lotus in a duel to the death.
gellaho
MIIIIKKKE! NOOOOOO
FancyShark
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
HAAH! MIKE GOT PUTINED!
Taste polonium and rue, Mike.
FancyShark
The car then tucks the shiv into a pocket and drives off
gellaho
"... In my... Lucky Charms... there's a... hidden prize"
This driver is going to write an angry post on Nextdoor about teens hauling corpses in the street
gellaho
Frank is well-versed in the Art of the Ninja
FancyShark
"Kids today don't even bother getting wheelbarrows for their corpses"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Goddam Americans blocking traffic with corpses."
Brendan
A 20-yo man thinking with his dick against all signs this woman who should not be attracted to him is plotting his death so soon after his father passes away is the most realistic thing this book series has ever done.
LyraV
Back in my day we murdered people in alleyways and that was that see?
FancyShark
Trained terrorists or one incredibly inept concierge?
gellaho
Good odds
Brendan
Police are looking for a Saab with a tattoo of a teardrop.
gellaho
17 year old child, but yes
FancyShark
"In fact," <gunshot> "there. No more guessing."
Brendan
Oh yeah, standard assassin. "To whom it may concern" poison dagger.
Brendan
He's EMOTIONALLY 20 because rage ages you.
FancyShark
"This time it wasn't a bomb"
gellaho
"Our dad went out like a pussy!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit, Joe, you know being blowed up isnt at all like being pizened right?
gellaho
"What kind of a loser dies to an explosion, huh? I've exploded 54 times!"
1000 Space GDCs
Frank has seen Surviving Edged Weapons.
FancyShark
"Exploding is a woman's death"
Brendan
Dad fought that explosion by clenching his muscles SO TIGHT.
Why didn't he just make a Superman pose and dive so the explosion blew him clear?
gellaho
Excuse me, Swede, an American is present
1000 Space GDCs
Thank goodness Swedish cops are so easy to bribe.
gellaho
"Mom can suck it"
gellaho
"But I'm still not going to call her"
Brendan
Probably just distracted them by throwing a live chicken into the interrogation room.
FancyShark
Women don't understand processing grief via anger. Thanks, Joe!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe is just upset he didnt have a chance to have his father/son death duel as is tradition.
1000 Space GDCs
The female mind does not understand vengeance, thought Joe.
Brendan
We should have @VikingHotDog here to tell us how much of this book is just copied from an outdated tourist guide.
gellaho
No joke, they see two men in leather jackets and it's defcon 1
Brendan
Hahaha, scooped me to the last word.
Well done.
gellaho
Out the window! The leathermen are approaching
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
wouldnt be the first time an American has felt threatened by the unsmiling denizens of a foreign clime.
Probably just Swedish Fonz tho.
gellaho
They did hear a gun cocking noise outside their door, but this is funnier
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Probably just a faulty light switch.
FancyShark
Does Frank still have the gun?
gellaho
The word of the day is filigree
Brendan
There are no rules this time, Joe. Let's run as fast as we can from the best lead into our dad's death. Jump a building if we have to.
gellaho
I'm guessing he accidentally returned it with the tux rental
FancyShark
Jackie Chan jump! Jackie Chan jump!
gellaho
Shit, they jumped all the way out of the atmosphere
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That loud shattering noise is just Sweden's famous aggressive room service.
Frank and Joe riding a dirtbike over the rooftops of Stockholm.
Hurling pipe bombs.
gellaho
Action!
gellaho
Exclamation points!
Shingles!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Some Swedish housewife is killed by one of those stray bullets.
FancyShark
And the cycle of vengeance begins anew
Brendan
Luckily these assholes could miss a stationary target at 15 feet
gellaho
Just four people shimmying down a drain pipe
gellaho
Time to steal a boat
1000 Space GDCs
They famously make strong drainpipes in Sweden
Well, it's not a fanboat or a jetski, but it'll do in a pinch.
gellaho
Very comical
FancyShark
Suddenly it's the really problematic chase from Live and Let Die
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw hell yeah it got all Miami Vice!
gellaho
Might as well throw that money in the ocean, Frank
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe hurling dynamite from the back of a speedboat!
moonfish817
Famous last words, "hey guys, how can the enemy beat us, they don't have this ONE specific thing"
Enter that one specific thing.
gellaho
Joe's erection insists on a vast government conspiracy
gellaho
The daughter of the guy who probably blew our dad up couldn't be involved
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean Jellicoe also worked for the US government so its not that far fetched.
gellaho
It's more farfetched than the evil company being respoonsible
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
🤔 I mean it could be the CIA, you can't prove its not the CIA.
gellaho
I mean, this ghostwriter clearly doesn't understand what customs agents do
He seems to think they are involved in espionage
And have jurisdiction in Swedish policing?
1000 Space GDCs
Those friendly Swedish cops let them run a black site in the precinct basement
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I was also thinking he was confusing Customs with like Interpol or something.
Brendan
This is turning into the best season of South Park.
gellaho
"We can't sleep where we both almost died. We'll sleep where only I almost died"
gellaho
"Broken locks, threatening notes. You know, a party!"
gellaho
That's how we party in Sweden, anyway
1000 Space GDCs
I mean they heard gunshots from the American's room, they just assumed that's how Americans party.
gellaho
Also: here's a message for you
gellaho
Prejudice really is everywhere, isn't it?
gellaho
Frank has returned to the cooling touch of gunsteel
FancyShark
"To hell with that congressman. Time for titties."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank immediately shoots his own ankle because unbeknownst to him its a Ceska.
gellaho
Very unobservant hospital staff
FancyShark
Nice try, baddies. You can't fool Joe about lunch. It's clearly dinner time.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Duh cos its clearly an attempt to finish him off.
gellaho
Marvel reference. Hmmmmmmm
gellaho
I don't want to say Peter David is responsible. But I do
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean you dont KNOW he's a terrorist.
gellaho
Phoenix only employs the best assassins
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He could just be trying to kill you.
FancyShark
I will have such mixed feelings if Peter David wrote this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
BOOOOO defenestration?! LAZY!
FancyShark
Even sadder, they're on the ground floor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
INCONVENIENT!
1\5 stars, would not use this assassin again.
gellaho
Really slapstick murder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
*Benny Hill theme, distantly
gellaho
Everytime they say "stomach," it means balls
gellaho
It's happened like five times
Brendan
Steven Grant
FancyShark
That's why they eat so much. Because their "stomachs" hurt
Brendan
Well now we know these are Russian assassins
gellaho
Weird, poisoning is usually exacerbated by hijinks
moonfish817
Wait, so was that assassin pushing him by his shoulders out while the boys grabbed the legs, like a forbidden Ying Yang symbol?
gellaho
As we all know, agents of the US government have no power over teens
gellaho
Especially teens involved in multiple international crimes
FancyShark
Damn kids and their international agendas!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fairchild just didnt wanna pay to black bag them out of Europe.
Since the Berlin Wall came down that shit got expensive.
gellaho
It's been 80 pages, better get back to this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah I keep a fully operational ICBM in the lobby, actually. For inspiration."
FancyShark
"I've got a prototype."
"Oh?"
"In my pa-"
"I'm not Ilsa."
gellaho
That's not really how AI works, but OK
LyraV
In the prototype weapon closet, obviously.
gellaho
The idea of AI is that it learns, you can't just stick it on a CD and go "done"
FancyShark
This must be how computers learn to explode
1000 Space GDCs
Linska later sold his guidance software to Tesla.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also you dont really need that shit in a guidance system? Its not hard, we had decent missile guidance since forever.
gellaho
Wrong on a couple of points
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is AFTER they invented the Sidewinder and Ivan learned you can't dodge freedom unless you are under the horizon.
FancyShark
The guidance system is a string tied to the nose of the missile and the other end tied to the target
gellaho
Frank really wanted to hear more of this villain nerd speech
gellaho
That is maybe the most harsh I've seen these books be
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank loves talking to the movie villain.
1000 Space GDCs
"War. War never changes. Bork bork bork."
FancyShark
This writer is going to some darker places than the others. Even the ones that cut Cassie in half and blew up Iola
gellaho
I remember when we conquered Iceland
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I have no doubt we have a military base there.
1000 Space GDCs
A large birdlike creature, possibly a bird.
FancyShark
They were all in their natural jacuzzis. They never stood a chance.
gellaho
NERD RAGE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
How the fuck are you gonna ship them if they can be damaged by standing too close?
FancyShark
LINSKA SMASH
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Linska might be too stupid for this weapons manufacturing gig.
FancyShark
Fuckin' nitroglycerin missiles. They were so affordable!
1000 Space GDCs
They can be damaged specifically by Joe Hardy standing too close.
gellaho
Aha hahaha
gellaho
YES
YEEEEESSSSSSSS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Russia and China deploy their Joe Hardy clone armies.
FancyShark
FINALLY
1000 Space GDCs
Linksa got so pissed off at Joe he shot a missile at him.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah suck Hellfire, Joe.
1000 Space GDCs
Hard to blame him, really.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Enjoy the Afghan Special Express to Hell.
gellaho
Boooo
gellaho
Boooooooooooo
I know Joe can survive explosions
FancyShark
:BB: :OOO: :OO:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe........you are such an asshole.
gellaho
Just have the fucker explode
Brendan
They get clemency because their dad died under the triple payout of highly traumatic death
Juho
Okay so all we're missing is tax fraud red herring and that's bingo?
gellaho
Glad that crisis lasted all of one page
Brendan
I have $20 down this is one of Steven Grant's.
FancyShark
Joe's rage made the car blow up?
Brendan
Would you even get in a vehicle in Bayport?
gellaho
No me gusta "big brother"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
These two dipshits need to start avoiding cars that aren't armored to hell.
Brendan
The metal plate in Joe's head throws off the magnetism of the radar.
Juho
I'd definitely check to make sure it was never owned, rented or occupied by a Hardy.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also I got his wallet, lets order takeout on his credit card!"
"DEAD MANS PIZZA! WOOOOOOOO!"
moonfish817
"hey I almost died, but my credit score is gonna get FUCKED with this car, we need a story"
gellaho
Sick, WordPerfect
FancyShark
All pre-owned Hardy cars are in the scrapyard
Or the lower stratosphere
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Too early to make a Clippy joke too.
Juho
...what rental agency still rents to these guys?
gellaho
Looks like we got his workout routines
FancyShark
Someone with loads of insurance fraud
The first paragraph says "this is the right file"
gellaho
i don't think you need a word processor to make text files, boys
Juho
Time to get swole!
1000 Space GDCs
ARMNOTES.TXT is just his inconspicuous name for his slashfiction.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's Mike's workout routine.
gellaho
Whew, indeed
Juho
He only does the upper body. Always skipping leg day, like a true villain.
LyraV
It's just pages of text about Arnold's biceps.
Brendan
Did it take ten minutes to open and have a pop-up reminding them it can't open most files?
FancyShark
It's a transcript of the Pump speech
moonfish817
"hand held antipersonnel launchers" Like RPGs? Or just Guns? They launch bullets and are CERTAINLY anti person
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Probably more like a LAW rocket.
With a fragmentation payload.
gellaho
If only there were some top secret government agent you guys knew
1000 Space GDCs
This is where they call Chet.
gellaho
However, they will not be calling The Gray Man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
440 grams of Hardy shredding freedom metal.
gellaho
Despite the fact that they have stopped hydrogen bombs before
moonfish817
Incoming A TEAM?
gellaho
Instead: hippies
gellaho
Sleeenderrrr hippies
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah when an NGO has SAP in their name, you should not approach them for help with assassins.
1000 Space GDCs
These hippies have branch offices in 90 countries.
gellaho
Or, they just look at some photos and leave immediately
gellaho
Whatever
FancyShark
lol
LyraV
We keep assassin dossiers here at the Animal Rights association and are willing to share with the public.
gellaho
How will this situation be resolved?
LyraV
Frank is just the easiest motherfucker to sneak up on, come on dude.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All the explosions have rendered him quite deaf.
gellaho
YOU'RE LOOSE CANNONS, HARDYS
FancyShark
The Hardys really need to take stock of how lucky they are not one goon ever just decides to shoot them in the back of the head
gellaho
Unpaid loose cannons
gellaho
Remember when the Hardys were dead set on vengeance?
Feels like a lifetime ago
Brendan
BOOOOOOO
LyraV
Suck my loose cannon Sir.
FancyShark
Somehow vengeance has turned into "Joe is horny and Frank is stupid"
Brendan
Turn in the badges you don't have and the guns you don't carry.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Turn in your badge and gun, Hardys! You're off the force!"
LyraV
Their dad would be so proud.
gellaho
Rip
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We're fuckin teens."
moonfish817
Fairchild needs to get laid
gellaho
"What are you going to do, make us go back to Kenya?"
"Yes?"
Brendan
Last time was French. This time Italian.
Brendan
Well don't go around bragging about it.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man cold you imagine how insufferable Joe would be if he managed to get laid?
gellaho
The fuck is a laptop computer console
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He'd never shut up about it.
its a 90s laptop so its about the size of a table.
Ozzie
I just know that it needs wireless ethernet to get online
gellaho
Sure, hassock is a word kids will recognize
moonfish817
"Ok so you know how Seinfeld had that car phone? What if we did that, but with a laptop, the kids will LOVE it"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A what?
Brendan
This device costs $7000 of your 1990s dollars, but it was 64MB of Random Access Memory.
FancyShark
It had nearly 128MB of storage space
LyraV
Someone call Acid Burn and Zero Cool
Brendan
I don't know why I'm getting snooty, I couldn't invent an Atari.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It has the latest floppy disk technology."
"It can run Heretic."
gellaho
Fuck you guys. No context
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Legit that was my personal benchmark for quality at that time, "Can it run Heretic?"
FancyShark
Confirmed. Frank's dick is a multitool
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My 386 could not.
gellaho
No. Uh-uh. Nope.
Brendan
I SLEW at Hitman because the frame rate was so slow I could actually line up a shot and take out a dozen guys coming around the corner. The mouse was independent of time's flow.
I played Hitman on crouch and MARAUD
gellaho
Not just a car key in the government surveillance vehicle, but an entire set
FancyShark
And he started the car on the first try
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Under the mat, where of course it leaves a huge and obvious bulge.
gellaho
What are Fairchild's fucking house keys under there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank found them when they fucking jingled as he stepped on them.
FancyShark
We should be taking notes on these advanced security measures
gellaho
Flippancy expected from the investigation of a dead parent
FancyShark
Frank executes sass.exe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Looks up CRIMEEVIDENCE.TXT
FancyShark
Sure, you can just read .dat files
gellaho
Let's see how many pages that was
Brendan
Let alone a rare decent line from Frank.
gellaho
Sixty pages
FancyShark
"Wait a minute! We're idiots!"
Brendan
I still have no idea how to open a DAT file. That's some SQL shit or something.
gellaho
Very slightly, numb nuts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Really tho Frank is gonna get distracted when he notices this laptop has Mechwarrior on it and Joe is gonna drive around for hours before he hears Frank yelling "FUCK YOU KERENSKY! YOU BITCH!" and "GODDAMMIT THEY DOWNED MY BATTLEMASTER!"
FancyShark
Thwarted by a typo. Detectives!
moonfish817
That's a line that would blow a 7 year old me's mind
gellaho
BRILLIANT BOY DETECTIVES
FancyShark
Which is unfortunate because these books are for teens
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which is why Joe is so horny.
FancyShark
The hidden prize was a microfiche crammed up Mike's ass
Brendan
We just met Moonfish, we don't know that they weren't reading at a dumb teen's level. Stow your fish envy.
gellaho
The lit Nobel people used to make the janitor sleep at work
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well it WAS up Mikes ass, before the nurses flushed him out.
gellaho
FancyShark
Good point
FancyShark
DARK
gellaho
It's also a Scooby-Doo house
Brendan
Why even have a secret wall if you're going to track mud in?
gellaho
Don't you get fucking meta on me, asshole
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is why you wipe your GODDAM FEET.
FancyShark
Only good spies listen to their parents
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is soooo close to a sweet 80s revenge flick if theyd just get in a cool gunfight
moonfish817
This seems like the obvious path in a Spyro game or something
gellaho
My God, information I already knew!
FancyShark
"Any clues?"
"No. Let's leave."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ITS LIKE THEY ARE TERRORISTS!"
gellaho
Time to take Luxembourg!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Vatican City is great and full of loot this time of year.
moonfish817
Finds a bunch of ammo " Must be a boss fight soon"
FancyShark
How will they ever sneak all these weapons past the customs agents?!
Oh right. Customs are Interpol
moonfish817
Classic American Dream, Joe.
gellaho
I know who to blame for this horseshit
Brendan
I just assume every hardy boys story exists in a universe with only a couple gigs of storage, constantly overwriting the past.
FancyShark
Well, Brendan's out $20
gellaho
Chris's brain has really imploded near the end here
gellaho
What
FancyShark
Yep. Sure glad the Hardys decided on English so they could understand the-
wait, seriously. What the fuck?
gellaho
Are the men the boys?
The fuck does that mean
FancyShark
Maybe we're the criminals?
gellaho
because obviously the Hardys are going to speak English, so is the author saying that it's good the criminals are speaking English?
Fucking weird
Chris has also just given up with "slightly different accent"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah what the fuck, did the ghostwriter have a stroke?
gellaho
"Some accent, I don't know. Fuck you, kids"
FancyShark
I'm saving that quote to throw at Javo someday
gellaho
Hulk Hogan?
moonfish817
What kind of Multilingual conversation was in the Zeitgeist when this was written?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"HULKAMANIA GONNA RUN WILD ON THESE HARDY BOYS, BROTHER!"
FancyShark
"Thank god we speak English, right, brother?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh thaaaats what they meant by "accent".
Okay.
I've decided the other guy is Macho Man Randy Savage.
moonfish817
When I see English and Accent in the same sentence I auto go British, but now I'm just imagining the Hulkster if he had a British accent
gellaho
Some Swedish Italian mobsters
FancyShark
Make him an orka bork bork he can't refuse
gellaho
Crisis averted
moonfish817
Local thugs just helping to sustain local wildlife. You guys root for Coral, right? think about the river fish that feed on bodies
FancyShark
Jesus. Chris isn't even waiting for chapter breaks anymore
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh those guys are dead, Joe.
Nice attempt to keep plausible deniability tho.
gellaho
"Borrowed"
FancyShark
"Why did we fill these boxes with broken glass and lead weights?!?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"That will hold them for a while." is the Hardy Boys version of "Stop resisting."
gellaho
Seriously, what the fuck is happening
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And by visit I mean we are driving it thru the front and unloading outrageous violence on all and sundry. We found a weapons cache."
You know what would be good to have about now, Frank? A gun.
FancyShark
Eleonora doesn't like needles. They're giving her a flu shot
gellaho
Easily distracted
moonfish817
Frank with the home robbery knowledge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They are CIA and are extraordinarily rendering Grunewald to the Hague.
Assclowns using glass hypos in the 90s.
Like old timey doctors.
gellaho
@Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage I guess you got your action movie
FancyShark
Or Eleonora's fucking ripped
Redhead spotted
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sick!
gellaho
Also: ✅ Redhead
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hardy duel!
Frank is gonna whip out that gun he found tho.
moonfish817
MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!
1000 Space GDCs
I'm picturing Grunewald played by Cynthia Rothrock
gellaho
Nevermind
moonfish817
ELEONORA FROM THE TOP ROPE
FancyShark
OH MY! AND HOGAN IS DOWN!
gellaho
Flawless plan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"NO DQS FOR FOREIGN OBJECTS IN STOCKHOLM, OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEAH!"
gellaho
I don't believe you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I'm a rich old bitch who ships live animals and shit, why do you THINK they would want to kill me, FRANK?"
gellaho
That's the second woman in this two book series who has "accidentally" signed smuggling papers
FancyShark
Nice try, lady. If they're really tricking you, they're going to use carbon paper
moonfish817
I'm sorry officer, I didn't know I couldn't do that!
Brendan
Pictured: the box-buried assassins:
gellaho
Always good to add antagonists this late in the game
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha suck it Joe, no woman will ever love you.
It will always carry ulterior motives.
moonfish817
>has a daughter
Sweet! Free labor!
gellaho
They also already had a guy on the American side
The last book in this mini-series takes place in Copenhagen and Berlin
So I don't know how this new guy fits into that
FancyShark
Because America is the world
1000 Space GDCs
Should have left him for the post credit scene.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe he's defecting to the Soviets?
gellaho
So that missile after visiting the missile scientist was coincidence?
Brendan
it must have wrecked this series that communism was collapsing while it was at the printers
FancyShark
Maybe we'll luck out and the elephants will be revealed as the masterminds of this whole thing
1000 Space GDCs
Rutger's too much of a nerd to do crimes.
gellaho
"That'll teach those stupid kids reading this to attempt deductive reasoning"
Brendan
I was simply going to LEGALLY shoot piles of animals
gellaho
Anger boner
FancyShark
This is the part of the story right after "rising action" called "nevermind, I quit"
1000 Space GDCs
Grunewald gestures to her old timey elephant gun.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Either that or she was going to get a rentboy.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Joe
1000 Space GDCs
Joe ran erection-first towards the abbey.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tell my brotherrrrrrrrrrr" Joe yells as he drives away, not caring he ran over the guard.
gellaho
Meanwhile: Eleonora attempts to get into Frank's pants
FancyShark
Nothing like the invincible bond of a single date where you almost get run over
gellaho
Twice!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Is Grunewald...........flirting with Frank now?!
gellaho
YES! KARATE WAS THE CLUE ALL ALONG!
moonfish817
That's what happens when you learn sweet sweet karate moves
FancyShark
"And then the pretty lady who was older but not old loved his karate moves and said so and totally made out with him"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ooooh such big strong muscles you have, young man."
1000 Space GDCs
Grunewald is sizing frank up to compete in the underground martial arts tournament her and the other billionaires organize.
gellaho
Frank: Boy Karate Detective
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Let Granny Grunewald peep that ween!"
1000 Space GDCs
Grunewald asks frank if he knows what a kumite is.
FancyShark
How could Khoo have known Frank used karate on his attacker? The attacker must have informed him!
gellaho
Eleonora is definitely trying to fuck Frank
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean yeah, get yourself a sugar mama.
Brendan
Lowblow Young
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Beats being a freelance teen dick for hire.
FancyShark
Cassie waits for Frank to vanish, then skins Eleonora and leaves her draped in front of the fireplace
Brendan
That's Frank's new Bloodsport ring name
gellaho
Enough time for a spooky ghost story
FancyShark
Joe is bludgeoned to death by Ilsa's true love, Quasimodo
gellaho
You are a weird guy, Chris Lampton
FancyShark
All cued up for a John Woo gunfight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe and Ilsa both draw two pistols and doves fly out of everywhere.
FancyShark
"I'm sorry, Joe"
"So am I"
gellaho
Seems like it's going that way, yeah
FancyShark
"Ilsa, I'm sorry. I'm in love with your father, now"
moonfish817
Que Prince
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe.........even if you assumed she was not in on it.........how did you think her criminal dad wouldnt be watching her every move?
gellaho
This book is all over the place
FancyShark
"Think"?
LyraV
It was inevitable, Khoo is a stone cold fox.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It wont hurt at all when I strangle him to death."
FancyShark
"Don't worry, Ilsa. I'll kill him and won't feel a thing."
gellaho
Are you telling me this cover isn't going to be accurate until the very end?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Joe, I want you to know, this isnt because you discovered my criminal enterprise. I just dont want my daughter dating a low rent American dipshit."
Brendan
Ilsa will return in a later book when they forgive each other for having dads that murdered one another or got arrested for same.
gellaho
I'm not even sure there are enough pages
moonfish817
It's not me that kills him, it;s the lack of oxygen.
FancyShark
They have to push their way past Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo
gellaho
And is that a second church next to this one?
FancyShark
That or they're in Anor Londo
Brendan
dinnertime. catch you later
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
thousand yard stare
FancyShark
Later, Brendan! Take care!
gellaho
Hey, actual ball shot
gellaho
Oh, also Joe's falling again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Why not just shoot him in the face in front of your daughter and tell her "This is what happens when you date boys I dont approve of."
FancyShark
"Ilsa, sweetie, I think you should know what I kicked felt very tiny"
gellaho
Just doing everything in this one
FancyShark
The End
1000 Space GDCs
Maybe the cover artist got an earlier draft of the book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My dinner is ready too, later!
gellaho
Joe's dangling, but Frank is easily distracted
FancyShark
Take care, Flippant! Have a good night!
They're days apart. That's the big twist.
gellaho
Here's how you make that happen so fast. Just ignore all reality
FancyShark
oh the tension
1000 Space GDCs
Turns out Joe could hold on for quite a while.
gellaho
They head over to some guy's antiques store
gellaho
Karl's. That guy they mentioned once
FancyShark
That unforgettable character Karl Bromer
gellaho
One last time, what's going to happen?
FancyShark
KARATE!
gellaho
It's the Hulkster!
LyraV
Joe adds this to the list of near deaths to wake him in a cold sweat.
1000 Space GDCs
All those blows to the head must have destroyed their peripheral vision. That's why it's so easy to sneak up on them.
gellaho
Some voyeurism references for the kids
FancyShark
Is it funny, mustache man? Really?
gellaho
Joe's ripping throats
FancyShark
Joe goes full Kratos
The next three pages were banned from print
gellaho
Karate fight!
FancyShark
YES!
YEEEESSSS!
gellaho
Or
FancyShark
FUCK YOU, CHRIS!
1000 Space GDCs
The gun calls to frank.
LyraV
Frank brings a gun to karate fight because he sucks.
gellaho
Shit or get off the pot, Chris
gellaho
Either do the Indiana Jones thing, or don't do the Indiana Jones thing
FancyShark
At least Chris remembered that all Asian men talk about honor
LyraV
He did What?! Frank come on.
gellaho
This book has ADD
LyraV
This is just him Wanting to die at this point.
gellaho
Khoo was very disappointed in himself, but went back for the gun anyway
1000 Space GDCs
This writer has two star trek books due this week and confused Khoo for one of his Klingon characters.
gellaho
Very worthy that you didn't let me shoot you
FancyShark
Nothing like a final battle where the fighters keep changing their minds
gellaho
So, is Ilsa involved or not
1000 Space GDCs
Honorable warrior man has a glass jaw.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Congrats Frank, you beat up a middle aged dad.
gellaho
Computer paper, score!
FancyShark
It also forms an ASCII penis
gellaho
Feel like some logical leaps are taken here
FancyShark
Yes!
1000 Space GDCs
All those ivory carvings Frank got for Christmas start to make sense.
gellaho
Joe finds out his superpower is genetic and not derived from his girlfriend exploding
FancyShark
Fenton Hardy's greatest prank!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe was bitten by a radioactive Fenton and gained all the superpowers of Dynamite Thor.
gellaho
Your team? I'm pretty sure you guys are on the same team
gellaho
The best news isn't that your dad is still alive, Joe?
FancyShark
Joe knows which man he wants as Dad
gellaho
Khoo got Rubied
gellaho
Jack Rubied
Fatamatician: Curator
Swarthy sob
FancyShark
Shot by a laser gun or we not doing that any more?
gellaho
Gun
FancyShark
Woopsie
gellaho
Makes sense Joe would think of his dad after the possible terrorist lady friend
1000 Space GDCs
I guess having their suspect murdered in custody is another ten points for the Hardys.
FancyShark
Okay, but hear me out: she's pretty
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maze of assassins is nothing out of the ordinary, but THIS one is thicc.
gellaho
We have defeated (breathes in) The Hardy Boys Casefiles ™️ #65: Operation Phoenix #2: No Mercy
FancyShark
We did it!
1000 Space GDCs
Good riffing everyone.
FancyShark
And thank you gellaho!
gellaho
So concludes this, the 72nd Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
I think that is the actual longest Hardy Boys I've read to date
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thanks muchly as usual @gellaho
gellaho
Got an extra 20 pages in there for no real reason
moonfish817
So Supernatural took direct inspiration from this book with the whole " We gotta find dad" thing
Brendan
Annnnd bac--aw crap
Fatamatician: Curator
I only have time for pieces, but I am very grateful for this tradition @gellaho
Brendan
Just gonna bind Joe around the neck and hang him outside the abbey window so he can't go to the authorities.
Truly, the lord's work was done today in this abbey by Brother @gellaho
Brendan
RIP Tom Hardy, the third brother.
Brendan
Cost him an eardrum but he got his...uh, vengeance?
Brendan
Khoo should have done muay thai and absolutely wrecked Frank's shit for him.
It is going to be so incredibly awkward when Joe gives Khoo a grandson named Fenton.
Brendan
Oh NOW it's dived instead of dove.
Hot Dog Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL!
Wow! 72 editions. 7 more to go and you tied the TOS Star Trek episode count
Brendan
Hardys are like Highlanders: they assume many identities and can only be killed by another of their kind.
Fenton not even calling his wife to assure her he's okay is sadistic.
