72: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #65: No Mercy Franklin W. Dixon

#65 The Hardy Boys Casefiles

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One wrong turn on the road to revenge can take you over the edge!

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Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean I would immediately forget my dead dad as well if a sexy, athletic, rich woman seemed like she thought I was cute.

FancyShark

Oh yeah, same. My dad would understand

gellaho

Frank almost shoots Mike

FancyShark

The gun starts whispering to him

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank, you better not mention that gun to ANYONE because I'm pretty sure you are committing like four different crimes having that gun in your pocket.

gellaho

Pumping something, I'm sure

1000 Space GDCs

Frank is bold to assume Joe is that subtle.

FancyShark

Rage is clouding his judgement

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Well actually I was going to insert my penis into her orifices and rub it in and out to the point of issue, but I guess information is also something I could get."

gellaho

Sex on the Norrmalm

FancyShark

Then the car explodes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lol what did Joe say to make her this interested?

FancyShark

"Free passport"

1000 Space GDCs

Hijinks ensue when they realize they've actually gone to Abnorrmalm.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is easily the least believable part of this story about teen detetives getting vengeance for their exploded dad.

gellaho

Round 2

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe is such a nerd most of the time I cannot believe for a second he has game this good.

FancyShark

The magic will end when Joe starts explaining how stupid women are

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He must have said "I have cocaine. Would you like to do some cocaine with me?"

Models love cocaine.

gellaho

Oh, it's so good to have the instantly resolved cliffhangers

1000 Space GDCs

Someone tries to run down the Hardys about 50% of the time they step onto the street.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And generally they love cordial offers to do frienship cocaine .

FancyShark

The Hardy Boys are the reason for every video on how to safely cross a street

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is what you get when you contract non-union assassins.

Brendan

My dad would haunt me if I didn't.

gellaho

Joe's boner will let him believe anything

Brendan

Hahaha, this isn't even 50 pages later.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I would also be stunned that anyone would want to whack a nerd like Joe.

FancyShark

I want this to end up being Ilsa trying to kill them just because Joe is a dweeb

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

So her story checks out.

FancyShark

That car is just circling the block

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Look, for an hour he showed me his stamp collection, I thought that was an American euphemism for sex."

"He would NOT SHUT UP about Sacajawea quarters."

gellaho

You aren't the two teens that blew up our operation in Kenya, right?

gellaho

It's not like we have people here trying to kill you

If we did, they would have told us

Otherwise that would be ridiculous

FancyShark

"We only ship dull birds. It's policy."

"If a crayfish isn't seated in at least Comfort+, we bail on the whole flight"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It would also be great if they DO only ship animals above board but ARE trying to kill Frank and Joe because Ilsa's dad doesn't want her to fuck Joe.

gellaho

Hmm, that's not the phrase

FancyShark

BURRRRRN

gellaho

"Frank was feeling like a fifty-seventh wheel"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank can't count, which is strange for a robut.

FancyShark

He's never heard of the numbers 3 or 4

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I expected him to not understand idioms and such tho.

So that scans.

gellaho

Weird, but OK

gellaho

Ilsa runs through the ship/hostel and instantly disappears

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

There's only one reason your rich sexy date takes you to a youth hostel in Stockholm. To score weed.

Brendan

I dunno man...her dad blew up my dad but she's 19 with the body of a Nordic skier, and everything she does is automatically a Swedish-Thai stereotype because there's no one else like her. I think I'll date her for the summer and just see if her father's still part of an international crime syndicate hellbent on killing me.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Even then.........yeah give her a chance.

1000 Space GDCs

It's gonna tear Joe apart when he realizes Ilsa ordered the hit on his dad.

gellaho

Really getting beaten in this one

gellaho

Time for a swim

FancyShark

Yep. Youth hostel. Not a human trafficking ship

Brendan

This is where Ilsa loses Joe. If you want to be his lover, you've got to get with his friends.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He'll have forgotten about it by the next set of books.

These assassins are getting more and more inept.

1000 Space GDCs

I mean he just took another hit, and lost the spring of 1988.

FancyShark

Ilsa's going to get car bombed, or "Joe'd"

gellaho

That was close?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Cmon. People survive falling in water all the time.

FancyShark

Still more capable than The Assassins terrorist group

Joe's familiar is talking to him again

Brendan

Strong hands grasped him from behind?? Joe, you fool, this isn't Sweden, it's Switzerland! You've fallen prey to French and Italian letches!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Letches with the best bread and pasta in town.

FancyShark

Joe is sold into sex slavery as "unkillable dumbass American bottom"

Brendan

Some would consider that a blessing.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Frank has gone to meet with Agent Fairchild

Brendan

Is she a redhead?

gellaho

He is a bald guy, so maybe

Frank realizes that Phoenix Enterprises might be involved!

gellaho

Which they already knew!

gellaho

And is the only reason they're in Sweden!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Did the ghost writer not read or write the previous book?!

FancyShark

Either the Hardys are forgetting basic shit or the writer is

1000 Space GDCs

The ghost writer of this chapter didn't read the previous ghostwriter's chapters.

gellaho

Don't forget that!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The previous ghost writer set himself on fire in protest that he couldnt include Chet.

Yeah Joe, its pretty hard to believe she likes you and not you know..........is setting you up to be murdered.

Since every time you are around her you get another murder attempt.

gellaho

Joe speak Swedish now too?

1000 Space GDCs

Joe, have you ever met a girl who wasn't involved in a crime?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

INVOLVED? No.

Committing? Yeah a couple.

gellaho
gellaho

I wonder how long it's going to take to put that together

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

🤔

FancyShark

They realize they have to track down Orson Welles

gellaho

Book nerds, I knew they'd be involved

FancyShark

John Grisham is playing hardball this time

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank and Joe and Orson team up to take on The Grandmaster Lotus in a duel to the death.

gellaho

MIIIIKKKE! NOOOOOO

FancyShark

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

HAAH! MIKE GOT PUTINED!

Taste polonium and rue, Mike.

FancyShark

The car then tucks the shiv into a pocket and drives off

gellaho

"... In my... Lucky Charms... there's a... hidden prize"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's........a......decoder.........ring...........drink.............Ovaltine.........."

gellaho

"Hey, get that dead body outta here!"

1000 Space GDCs

This driver is going to write an angry post on Nextdoor about teens hauling corpses in the street

gellaho

Frank is well-versed in the Art of the Ninja

FancyShark

"Kids today don't even bother getting wheelbarrows for their corpses"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Goddam Americans blocking traffic with corpses."

Brendan

A 20-yo man thinking with his dick against all signs this woman who should not be attracted to him is plotting his death so soon after his father passes away is the most realistic thing this book series has ever done.

LyraV

Back in my day we murdered people in alleyways and that was that see?

FancyShark

Trained terrorists or one incredibly inept concierge?

gellaho

Good odds

Brendan

Police are looking for a Saab with a tattoo of a teardrop.

gellaho

17 year old child, but yes

FancyShark

"In fact," <gunshot> "there. No more guessing."

Brendan

Oh yeah, standard assassin. "To whom it may concern" poison dagger.

Brendan

He's EMOTIONALLY 20 because rage ages you.

FancyShark

"This time it wasn't a bomb"

gellaho

"Our dad went out like a pussy!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit, Joe, you know being blowed up isnt at all like being pizened right?

gellaho

"What kind of a loser dies to an explosion, huh? I've exploded 54 times!"

1000 Space GDCs

Frank has seen Surviving Edged Weapons.

FancyShark

"Exploding is a woman's death"

Brendan

Dad fought that explosion by clenching his muscles SO TIGHT.

Why didn't he just make a Superman pose and dive so the explosion blew him clear?

gellaho

Excuse me, Swede, an American is present

1000 Space GDCs

Thank goodness Swedish cops are so easy to bribe.

gellaho

"Mom can suck it"

gellaho

"But I'm still not going to call her"

Brendan

Probably just distracted them by throwing a live chicken into the interrogation room.

FancyShark

Women don't understand processing grief via anger. Thanks, Joe!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe is just upset he didnt have a chance to have his father/son death duel as is tradition.

1000 Space GDCs

The female mind does not understand vengeance, thought Joe.

Brendan

We should have @VikingHotDog here to tell us how much of this book is just copied from an outdated tourist guide.

gellaho

No joke, they see two men in leather jackets and it's defcon 1

Brendan

Hahaha, scooped me to the last word.

Well done.

gellaho

Out the window! The leathermen are approaching

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

wouldnt be the first time an American has felt threatened by the unsmiling denizens of a foreign clime.

Probably just Swedish Fonz tho.

gellaho

They did hear a gun cocking noise outside their door, but this is funnier

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Probably just a faulty light switch.

FancyShark

Does Frank still have the gun?

gellaho

The word of the day is filigree

Brendan

There are no rules this time, Joe. Let's run as fast as we can from the best lead into our dad's death. Jump a building if we have to.

gellaho

I'm guessing he accidentally returned it with the tux rental

FancyShark

Jackie Chan jump! Jackie Chan jump!

gellaho

Shit, they jumped all the way out of the atmosphere

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That loud shattering noise is just Sweden's famous aggressive room service.

Frank and Joe riding a dirtbike over the rooftops of Stockholm.

Hurling pipe bombs.

gellaho

Action!

gellaho

Exclamation points!

Shingles!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Some Swedish housewife is killed by one of those stray bullets.

FancyShark

And the cycle of vengeance begins anew

Brendan

Luckily these assholes could miss a stationary target at 15 feet

gellaho

Just four people shimmying down a drain pipe

gellaho

Time to steal a boat

1000 Space GDCs

They famously make strong drainpipes in Sweden

Well, it's not a fanboat or a jetski, but it'll do in a pinch.

gellaho

Very comical

FancyShark

Suddenly it's the really problematic chase from Live and Let Die

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Aw hell yeah it got all Miami Vice!

gellaho

Might as well throw that money in the ocean, Frank

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank and Joe hurling dynamite from the back of a speedboat!

moonfish817

Famous last words, "hey guys, how can the enemy beat us, they don't have this ONE specific thing"

Enter that one specific thing.

gellaho

Joe's erection insists on a vast government conspiracy

gellaho

The daughter of the guy who probably blew our dad up couldn't be involved

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean Jellicoe also worked for the US government so its not that far fetched.

gellaho

It's more farfetched than the evil company being respoonsible

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

🤔 I mean it could be the CIA, you can't prove its not the CIA.

gellaho

I mean, this ghostwriter clearly doesn't understand what customs agents do

He seems to think they are involved in espionage

And have jurisdiction in Swedish policing?

1000 Space GDCs

Those friendly Swedish cops let them run a black site in the precinct basement

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I was also thinking he was confusing Customs with like Interpol or something.

Brendan

This is turning into the best season of South Park.

gellaho

"We can't sleep where we both almost died. We'll sleep where only I almost died"

gellaho

"Broken locks, threatening notes. You know, a party!"

gellaho

That's how we party in Sweden, anyway

1000 Space GDCs

I mean they heard gunshots from the American's room, they just assumed that's how Americans party.

gellaho

Also: here's a message for you

gellaho

Prejudice really is everywhere, isn't it?

gellaho

Frank has returned to the cooling touch of gunsteel

FancyShark

"To hell with that congressman. Time for titties."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank immediately shoots his own ankle because unbeknownst to him its a Ceska.

gellaho

Very unobservant hospital staff

FancyShark

Nice try, baddies. You can't fool Joe about lunch. It's clearly dinner time.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Duh cos its clearly an attempt to finish him off.

gellaho

Marvel reference. Hmmmmmmm

gellaho

I don't want to say Peter David is responsible. But I do

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean you dont KNOW he's a terrorist.

gellaho

Phoenix only employs the best assassins

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He could just be trying to kill you.

FancyShark

I will have such mixed feelings if Peter David wrote this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

BOOOOO defenestration?! LAZY!

FancyShark

Even sadder, they're on the ground floor

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

INCONVENIENT!

1\5 stars, would not use this assassin again.

gellaho

Really slapstick murder

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

*Benny Hill theme, distantly

gellaho

Everytime they say "stomach," it means balls

gellaho

It's happened like five times

Brendan

Steven Grant

FancyShark

That's why they eat so much. Because their "stomachs" hurt

Brendan

Well now we know these are Russian assassins

gellaho

Weird, poisoning is usually exacerbated by hijinks

moonfish817

Wait, so was that assassin pushing him by his shoulders out while the boys grabbed the legs, like a forbidden Ying Yang symbol?

gellaho

As we all know, agents of the US government have no power over teens

gellaho

Especially teens involved in multiple international crimes

FancyShark

Damn kids and their international agendas!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fairchild just didnt wanna pay to black bag them out of Europe.

Since the Berlin Wall came down that shit got expensive.

gellaho

It's been 80 pages, better get back to this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah I keep a fully operational ICBM in the lobby, actually. For inspiration."

FancyShark

"I've got a prototype."

"Oh?"

"In my pa-"

"I'm not Ilsa."

gellaho

That's not really how AI works, but OK

LyraV

In the prototype weapon closet, obviously.

gellaho

The idea of AI is that it learns, you can't just stick it on a CD and go "done"

FancyShark

This must be how computers learn to explode

1000 Space GDCs

Linska later sold his guidance software to Tesla.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also you dont really need that shit in a guidance system? Its not hard, we had decent missile guidance since forever.

gellaho

Wrong on a couple of points

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is AFTER they invented the Sidewinder and Ivan learned you can't dodge freedom unless you are under the horizon.

FancyShark

The guidance system is a string tied to the nose of the missile and the other end tied to the target

gellaho

Frank really wanted to hear more of this villain nerd speech

gellaho

That is maybe the most harsh I've seen these books be

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Frank loves talking to the movie villain.

1000 Space GDCs

"War. War never changes. Bork bork bork."

FancyShark

This writer is going to some darker places than the others. Even the ones that cut Cassie in half and blew up Iola

gellaho

I remember when we conquered Iceland

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I have no doubt we have a military base there.

1000 Space GDCs

A large birdlike creature, possibly a bird.

FancyShark

They were all in their natural jacuzzis. They never stood a chance.

gellaho

NERD RAGE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

How the fuck are you gonna ship them if they can be damaged by standing too close?

FancyShark

LINSKA SMASH

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Linska might be too stupid for this weapons manufacturing gig.

FancyShark

Fuckin' nitroglycerin missiles. They were so affordable!

1000 Space GDCs

They can be damaged specifically by Joe Hardy standing too close.

gellaho

Aha hahaha

gellaho

YES

YEEEEESSSSSSSS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Russia and China deploy their Joe Hardy clone armies.

FancyShark

FINALLY

1000 Space GDCs

Linksa got so pissed off at Joe he shot a missile at him.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah suck Hellfire, Joe.

1000 Space GDCs

Hard to blame him, really.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Enjoy the Afghan Special Express to Hell.

gellaho

Boooo

gellaho

Boooooooooooo

I know Joe can survive explosions

FancyShark

:BB: :OOO: :OO:

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Joe........you are such an asshole.

gellaho

Just have the fucker explode

Brendan

They get clemency because their dad died under the triple payout of highly traumatic death

Juho

Okay so all we're missing is tax fraud red herring and that's bingo?

gellaho

Glad that crisis lasted all of one page

Brendan

I have $20 down this is one of Steven Grant's.

FancyShark

Joe's rage made the car blow up?

Brendan

Would you even get in a vehicle in Bayport?

gellaho

No me gusta "big brother"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

These two dipshits need to start avoiding cars that aren't armored to hell.

Brendan

The metal plate in Joe's head throws off the magnetism of the radar.

Juho

I'd definitely check to make sure it was never owned, rented or occupied by a Hardy.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Also I got his wallet, lets order takeout on his credit card!"

"DEAD MANS PIZZA! WOOOOOOOO!"

moonfish817

"hey I almost died, but my credit score is gonna get FUCKED with this car, we need a story"

gellaho

Sick, WordPerfect

FancyShark

All pre-owned Hardy cars are in the scrapyard

Or the lower stratosphere

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Too early to make a Clippy joke too.

Juho

...what rental agency still rents to these guys?

gellaho

Looks like we got his workout routines

FancyShark

Someone with loads of insurance fraud

The first paragraph says "this is the right file"

gellaho

i don't think you need a word processor to make text files, boys

Juho

Time to get swole!

1000 Space GDCs

ARMNOTES.TXT is just his inconspicuous name for his slashfiction.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's Mike's workout routine.