gellaho
Whew, indeed
72: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #65: No Mercy Franklin W. Dixon
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One wrong turn on the road to revenge can take you over the edge!
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Juho
He only does the upper body. Always skipping leg day, like a true villain.
LyraV
It's just pages of text about Arnold's biceps.
Brendan
Did it take ten minutes to open and have a pop-up reminding them it can't open most files?
FancyShark
It's a transcript of the Pump speech
moonfish817
"hand held antipersonnel launchers" Like RPGs? Or just Guns? They launch bullets and are CERTAINLY anti person
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Probably more like a LAW rocket.
With a fragmentation payload.
gellaho
If only there were some top secret government agent you guys knew
1000 Space GDCs
This is where they call Chet.
gellaho
However, they will not be calling The Gray Man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
440 grams of Hardy shredding freedom metal.
gellaho
Despite the fact that they have stopped hydrogen bombs before
moonfish817
Incoming A TEAM?
gellaho
Instead: hippies
gellaho
Sleeenderrrr hippies
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah when an NGO has SAP in their name, you should not approach them for help with assassins.
1000 Space GDCs
These hippies have branch offices in 90 countries.
gellaho
Or, they just look at some photos and leave immediately
gellaho
Whatever
FancyShark
lol
LyraV
We keep assassin dossiers here at the Animal Rights association and are willing to share with the public.
gellaho
How will this situation be resolved?
LyraV
Frank is just the easiest motherfucker to sneak up on, come on dude.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All the explosions have rendered him quite deaf.
gellaho
YOU'RE LOOSE CANNONS, HARDYS
FancyShark
The Hardys really need to take stock of how lucky they are not one goon ever just decides to shoot them in the back of the head
gellaho
Unpaid loose cannons
gellaho
Remember when the Hardys were dead set on vengeance?
Feels like a lifetime ago
Brendan
BOOOOOOO
LyraV
Suck my loose cannon Sir.
FancyShark
Somehow vengeance has turned into "Joe is horny and Frank is stupid"
Brendan
Turn in the badges you don't have and the guns you don't carry.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Turn in your badge and gun, Hardys! You're off the force!"
LyraV
Their dad would be so proud.
gellaho
Rip
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We're fuckin teens."
moonfish817
Fairchild needs to get laid
gellaho
"What are you going to do, make us go back to Kenya?"
"Yes?"
Brendan
Last time was French. This time Italian.
Brendan
Well don't go around bragging about it.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man cold you imagine how insufferable Joe would be if he managed to get laid?
gellaho
The fuck is a laptop computer console
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He'd never shut up about it.
its a 90s laptop so its about the size of a table.
Ozzie
I just know that it needs wireless ethernet to get online
gellaho
Sure, hassock is a word kids will recognize
moonfish817
"Ok so you know how Seinfeld had that car phone? What if we did that, but with a laptop, the kids will LOVE it"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A what?
Brendan
This device costs $7000 of your 1990s dollars, but it was 64MB of Random Access Memory.
FancyShark
It had nearly 128MB of storage space
LyraV
Someone call Acid Burn and Zero Cool
Brendan
I don't know why I'm getting snooty, I couldn't invent an Atari.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It has the latest floppy disk technology."
"It can run Heretic."
gellaho
Fuck you guys. No context
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Legit that was my personal benchmark for quality at that time, "Can it run Heretic?"
FancyShark
Confirmed. Frank's dick is a multitool
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My 386 could not.
gellaho
No. Uh-uh. Nope.
Brendan
I SLEW at Hitman because the frame rate was so slow I could actually line up a shot and take out a dozen guys coming around the corner. The mouse was independent of time's flow.
I played Hitman on crouch and MARAUD
gellaho
Not just a car key in the government surveillance vehicle, but an entire set
FancyShark
And he started the car on the first try
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Under the mat, where of course it leaves a huge and obvious bulge.
gellaho
What are Fairchild's fucking house keys under there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank found them when they fucking jingled as he stepped on them.
FancyShark
We should be taking notes on these advanced security measures
gellaho
Flippancy expected from the investigation of a dead parent
FancyShark
Frank executes sass.exe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Looks up CRIMEEVIDENCE.TXT
FancyShark
Sure, you can just read .dat files
gellaho
Let's see how many pages that was
Brendan
Let alone a rare decent line from Frank.
gellaho
Sixty pages
FancyShark
"Wait a minute! We're idiots!"
Brendan
I still have no idea how to open a DAT file. That's some SQL shit or something.
gellaho
Very slightly, numb nuts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Really tho Frank is gonna get distracted when he notices this laptop has Mechwarrior on it and Joe is gonna drive around for hours before he hears Frank yelling "FUCK YOU KERENSKY! YOU BITCH!" and "GODDAMMIT THEY DOWNED MY BATTLEMASTER!"
FancyShark
Thwarted by a typo. Detectives!
moonfish817
That's a line that would blow a 7 year old me's mind
gellaho
BRILLIANT BOY DETECTIVES
FancyShark
Which is unfortunate because these books are for teens
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which is why Joe is so horny.
FancyShark
The hidden prize was a microfiche crammed up Mike's ass
Brendan
We just met Moonfish, we don't know that they weren't reading at a dumb teen's level. Stow your fish envy.
gellaho
The lit Nobel people used to make the janitor sleep at work
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well it WAS up Mikes ass, before the nurses flushed him out.
gellaho
FancyShark
Good point
FancyShark
DARK
gellaho
It's also a Scooby-Doo house
Brendan
Why even have a secret wall if you're going to track mud in?
gellaho
Don't you get fucking meta on me, asshole
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is why you wipe your GODDAM FEET.
FancyShark
Only good spies listen to their parents
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is soooo close to a sweet 80s revenge flick if theyd just get in a cool gunfight
moonfish817
This seems like the obvious path in a Spyro game or something
gellaho
My God, information I already knew!
FancyShark
"Any clues?"
"No. Let's leave."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ITS LIKE THEY ARE TERRORISTS!"
gellaho
Time to take Luxembourg!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Vatican City is great and full of loot this time of year.
moonfish817
Finds a bunch of ammo " Must be a boss fight soon"
FancyShark
How will they ever sneak all these weapons past the customs agents?!
Oh right. Customs are Interpol
moonfish817
Classic American Dream, Joe.
gellaho
I know who to blame for this horseshit
Brendan
I just assume every hardy boys story exists in a universe with only a couple gigs of storage, constantly overwriting the past.
FancyShark
Well, Brendan's out $20
gellaho
Chris's brain has really imploded near the end here
gellaho
What
FancyShark
Yep. Sure glad the Hardys decided on English so they could understand the-
wait, seriously. What the fuck?
gellaho
Are the men the boys?
The fuck does that mean
FancyShark
Maybe we're the criminals?
gellaho
because obviously the Hardys are going to speak English, so is the author saying that it's good the criminals are speaking English?
Fucking weird
Chris has also just given up with "slightly different accent"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah what the fuck, did the ghostwriter have a stroke?
gellaho
"Some accent, I don't know. Fuck you, kids"
FancyShark
I'm saving that quote to throw at Javo someday
gellaho
Hulk Hogan?
moonfish817
What kind of Multilingual conversation was in the Zeitgeist when this was written?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"HULKAMANIA GONNA RUN WILD ON THESE HARDY BOYS, BROTHER!"
FancyShark
"Thank god we speak English, right, brother?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh thaaaats what they meant by "accent".
Okay.
I've decided the other guy is Macho Man Randy Savage.
moonfish817
When I see English and Accent in the same sentence I auto go British, but now I'm just imagining the Hulkster if he had a British accent
gellaho
Some Swedish Italian mobsters
FancyShark
Make him an orka bork bork he can't refuse
gellaho
Crisis averted
moonfish817
Local thugs just helping to sustain local wildlife. You guys root for Coral, right? think about the river fish that feed on bodies
FancyShark
Jesus. Chris isn't even waiting for chapter breaks anymore
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh those guys are dead, Joe.
Nice attempt to keep plausible deniability tho.
gellaho
"Borrowed"
FancyShark
"Why did we fill these boxes with broken glass and lead weights?!?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"That will hold them for a while." is the Hardy Boys version of "Stop resisting."
gellaho
Seriously, what the fuck is happening
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And by visit I mean we are driving it thru the front and unloading outrageous violence on all and sundry. We found a weapons cache."
You know what would be good to have about now, Frank? A gun.
FancyShark
Eleonora doesn't like needles. They're giving her a flu shot
gellaho
Easily distracted
moonfish817
Frank with the home robbery knowledge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They are CIA and are extraordinarily rendering Grunewald to the Hague.
Assclowns using glass hypos in the 90s.
Like old timey doctors.
gellaho
@Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage I guess you got your action movie
FancyShark
Or Eleonora's fucking ripped
Redhead spotted
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sick!
gellaho
Also: ✅ Redhead
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hardy duel!
Frank is gonna whip out that gun he found tho.
moonfish817
MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!
1000 Space GDCs
I'm picturing Grunewald played by Cynthia Rothrock
gellaho
Nevermind
moonfish817
ELEONORA FROM THE TOP ROPE
FancyShark
OH MY! AND HOGAN IS DOWN!
gellaho
Flawless plan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"NO DQS FOR FOREIGN OBJECTS IN STOCKHOLM, OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEAH!"
gellaho
I don't believe you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I'm a rich old bitch who ships live animals and shit, why do you THINK they would want to kill me, FRANK?"
gellaho
That's the second woman in this two book series who has "accidentally" signed smuggling papers
FancyShark
Nice try, lady. If they're really tricking you, they're going to use carbon paper
moonfish817
I'm sorry officer, I didn't know I couldn't do that!
Brendan
Pictured: the box-buried assassins:
gellaho
Always good to add antagonists this late in the game
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha suck it Joe, no woman will ever love you.
It will always carry ulterior motives.
moonfish817
>has a daughter
Sweet! Free labor!
gellaho
They also already had a guy on the American side
The last book in this mini-series takes place in Copenhagen and Berlin
So I don't know how this new guy fits into that
FancyShark
Because America is the world
1000 Space GDCs
Should have left him for the post credit scene.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe he's defecting to the Soviets?
gellaho
So that missile after visiting the missile scientist was coincidence?
Brendan
it must have wrecked this series that communism was collapsing while it was at the printers
FancyShark
Maybe we'll luck out and the elephants will be revealed as the masterminds of this whole thing
1000 Space GDCs
Rutger's too much of a nerd to do crimes.
gellaho
"That'll teach those stupid kids reading this to attempt deductive reasoning"
Brendan
I was simply going to LEGALLY shoot piles of animals
gellaho
Anger boner
FancyShark
This is the part of the story right after "rising action" called "nevermind, I quit"
1000 Space GDCs
Grunewald gestures to her old timey elephant gun.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Either that or she was going to get a rentboy.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Joe
1000 Space GDCs
Joe ran erection-first towards the abbey.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tell my brotherrrrrrrrrrr" Joe yells as he drives away, not caring he ran over the guard.
gellaho
Meanwhile: Eleonora attempts to get into Frank's pants
FancyShark
Nothing like the invincible bond of a single date where you almost get run over
gellaho
Twice!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Is Grunewald...........flirting with Frank now?!
gellaho
YES! KARATE WAS THE CLUE ALL ALONG!
moonfish817
That's what happens when you learn sweet sweet karate moves
FancyShark
"And then the pretty lady who was older but not old loved his karate moves and said so and totally made out with him"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ooooh such big strong muscles you have, young man."
1000 Space GDCs
Grunewald is sizing frank up to compete in the underground martial arts tournament her and the other billionaires organize.
gellaho
Frank: Boy Karate Detective
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Let Granny Grunewald peep that ween!"
1000 Space GDCs
Grunewald asks frank if he knows what a kumite is.
FancyShark
How could Khoo have known Frank used karate on his attacker? The attacker must have informed him!
gellaho
Eleonora is definitely trying to fuck Frank
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean yeah, get yourself a sugar mama.
Brendan
Lowblow Young
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Beats being a freelance teen dick for hire.
FancyShark
Cassie waits for Frank to vanish, then skins Eleonora and leaves her draped in front of the fireplace
Brendan
That's Frank's new Bloodsport ring name
gellaho
Enough time for a spooky ghost story
FancyShark
Joe is bludgeoned to death by Ilsa's true love, Quasimodo
gellaho
You are a weird guy, Chris Lampton
FancyShark
All cued up for a John Woo gunfight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe and Ilsa both draw two pistols and doves fly out of everywhere.
FancyShark
"I'm sorry, Joe"
"So am I"
gellaho
Seems like it's going that way, yeah
FancyShark
"Ilsa, I'm sorry. I'm in love with your father, now"
moonfish817
Que Prince
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Joe.........even if you assumed she was not in on it.........how did you think her criminal dad wouldnt be watching her every move?
gellaho
This book is all over the place
FancyShark
"Think"?
LyraV
It was inevitable, Khoo is a stone cold fox.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It wont hurt at all when I strangle him to death."
FancyShark
"Don't worry, Ilsa. I'll kill him and won't feel a thing."
gellaho
Are you telling me this cover isn't going to be accurate until the very end?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Joe, I want you to know, this isnt because you discovered my criminal enterprise. I just dont want my daughter dating a low rent American dipshit."
Brendan
Ilsa will return in a later book when they forgive each other for having dads that murdered one another or got arrested for same.
gellaho
I'm not even sure there are enough pages
moonfish817
It's not me that kills him, it;s the lack of oxygen.
FancyShark
They have to push their way past Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo
gellaho
And is that a second church next to this one?
FancyShark
That or they're in Anor Londo
Brendan
dinnertime. catch you later
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
thousand yard stare
FancyShark
Later, Brendan! Take care!
gellaho
Hey, actual ball shot
gellaho
Oh, also Joe's falling again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Why not just shoot him in the face in front of your daughter and tell her "This is what happens when you date boys I dont approve of."
FancyShark
"Ilsa, sweetie, I think you should know what I kicked felt very tiny"
gellaho
Just doing everything in this one
FancyShark
The End
1000 Space GDCs
Maybe the cover artist got an earlier draft of the book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
My dinner is ready too, later!
gellaho
Joe's dangling, but Frank is easily distracted
FancyShark
Take care, Flippant! Have a good night!
They're days apart. That's the big twist.
gellaho
Here's how you make that happen so fast. Just ignore all reality
FancyShark
oh the tension
1000 Space GDCs
Turns out Joe could hold on for quite a while.
gellaho
They head over to some guy's antiques store
gellaho
Karl's. That guy they mentioned once
FancyShark
That unforgettable character Karl Bromer
gellaho
One last time, what's going to happen?
FancyShark
KARATE!
gellaho
It's the Hulkster!
LyraV
Joe adds this to the list of near deaths to wake him in a cold sweat.
1000 Space GDCs
All those blows to the head must have destroyed their peripheral vision. That's why it's so easy to sneak up on them.
gellaho
Some voyeurism references for the kids
FancyShark
Is it funny, mustache man? Really?
gellaho
Joe's ripping throats
FancyShark
Joe goes full Kratos
The next three pages were banned from print
gellaho
Karate fight!
FancyShark
YES!
YEEEESSSS!
gellaho
Or
FancyShark
FUCK YOU, CHRIS!
1000 Space GDCs
The gun calls to frank.
LyraV
Frank brings a gun to karate fight because he sucks.
gellaho
Shit or get off the pot, Chris
