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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode #Doubtful Tom Swift #3: Cyborg Kickboxer
For those of you who don't know, I'm in central Florida which is a bit Hurricane-y right now. I haven't really had a chance to think about what to read next. If by some miracle I retain power throughout, the plan is to read the book about the TASER boy kickboxing a robot. So, get your disk-hardened muscles into stand-by, maybe, possibly 5pm Eastern Friday.
gellaho
gellaho
Under an hour until Tom Swift #3: Cyborg Kickboxer. Here is your preview of our hero killing a man
FancyShark
Wait, did he just kill a jazz musician?
dr skull
To be clear, this fucking guy's name is Duke Wellington?
Victor's family was named for having loads of apples
gellaho
We start with Tom Swift getting hit in the head
FancyShark
He suspected this by getting his ass handed to him
LyraV
Perhaps all the punches to face gave it away.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A vicious punch to a vulnerable solar plexus is how Double Dragon also starts.
gellaho
This genius inventor seems like kind of an idiot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh hes doing an Enter the Dragon thing? Is Jim Kelly there?
1000 Space GDCs
Way to bury the lede about fighting in a house of mirrors
FancyShark
This isn't even an official fight. He just pissed off a carny
LyraV
Wait like wizard in Conan?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Camera pulls back to reveal its a man-ape wearing boxing gloves kicking his ass.
LyraV
I wish.
gellaho
Rick Cantwell
FancyShark
Camera pulls further back to show the horrified zoo patrons
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift and Rick Cantwell
FancyShark
Rick Cantwell, the Bad Boy of East Dothan, AL
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bootleg Johnny Quests.
FancyShark
I assume Rick's family is on city water
gellaho
Tom sociopathically considers how a human might read emotions
FancyShark
Rick's face has subtitles
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tom then licked his own eyeball, because Tom is a lizard."
1000 Space GDCs
Rick looks into Tom's unfeeling eyes and knows he would not be shown the same mercy.
gellaho
Written by someone who clearly understands both karate and quarterbacking
FancyShark
Time management is magic
1000 Space GDCs
They learned kickboxing from the bird aliens from Metroid?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Master Choso teaches such esoteric arts as Morph Ball and where to find extra missiles.
You really have to work hard to learn the Screw Attack.
FancyShark
And sign a waiver
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You graduate when you earn your Varia Suit.
LyraV
I thought it said Master Chorizo, who makes delicious pork sausages.
1000 Space GDCs
Rick got kicked off the football team after incinerating the opposing team with the plasma beam
gellaho
Tom will make Master Choso bend to his technological will
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Master Choso's Dojo And Discount Pork Emporium, off I95 at the Pasadena Omniplex.
FancyShark
Master Choso hated nerds
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom was very hurt by Master Choso literally hating everything he did and believed in.
gellaho
The shouldercaps are instrumental in karate technology
FancyShark
Good use for Zipdisks
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
he's wearing a fishnet shirt?
nice
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The disks pass a low voltage electric current thru my nipples, thus giving me the strength of a kickboxing bear."
1000 Space GDCs
fishnet under scale mail
FancyShark
The AC doesn't stack, Tom
gellaho
The solenoids are what make the karate go good
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
"it's called kinesio tape!"
FancyShark
The shirt is designed to measure how much the wearer gets beat up
LyraV
This dude got ripped off hard.
1000 Space GDCs
That sentence tells me that this author doesn't know what a solenoid is.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Whats that wire?" "Oh that one goes to the vibrating pleasure bullet in my ass. That one's for me, not for kickboxing."
gellaho
"Ignore the part where I called them mirrors and punched them"
FancyShark
If he goes through a metal detector, he's shot on sight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Speaking of getting his ass kicked, maybe if Tom spent less time designing electric nipple shirts and more time practicing, Rick wouldnt be punching him in the head so often.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
wow this guy has made the karate-good shirt fucking lame as hell already
FancyShark
Tom, where do you get your funding?
1000 Space GDCs
Why can't you just use regular cameras, tom? you made the gym look like a fuck cave
gellaho
Kinky
gellaho
Daddy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I funded it by teaching Childrens Dim Mak 301 courses at the community college!"
FancyShark
Oh wait, his dad runs a company. Tom is Lil Tony Stark
Juho
Did he basically just invent motion capture?
But like, under clothing?
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
Tom I hate you so fucking much already
gellaho
I learn best while my muscles are involuntarily twitching due to electric shocks
1000 Space GDCs
It's more like Ratatoullie but with a computer instead of a rat, and muscle-spasm inducing electric shocks instead of hair pulling
Juho
And daddy got if from building components for some nice Germans.
FancyShark
Tom, do you know what a sledgehammer is? Because it costs a fraction of all this bullshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You see, I then interpreted the electrical signals and knew immediately what move you were going to do." "So you spent like six months building this and accomplished as much as you would have if you just practiced? No wonder Master Choso wont teach you how to make his famous Chorizo Queso Burrito."
1000 Space GDCs
Anyway, I can't see anything going wrong with Tom turning himself into an AI meat puppet
LyraV
If the point was to be weirdly superior and not really earn it? It was a success.
gellaho
I must humble him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom. Fuck you. Electrodes on your nipples does not a cyborg make.
You stupid bastard.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
okay Tom you had me when it was about reflex improvement and muscle memory enhancement but that that camera shit is reaching levels of "why not just bring a gun"
FancyShark
"Hey, old man. I'm gonna embody what it's like for you to login to your email."
1000 Space GDCs
Master Choso dumps a bucket of water on Tom and watches him seize as all his discs short out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I see why Master Choso thinks Tom is a dingus.
Because he is.
gellaho
I think Tom is working on teleportation later, Master Choso
FancyShark
"Guess how much time the bucket took to fill, asshole"
Speed and grace
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well no, it will take another several years to............OOOOOHHHHHH right!"
gellaho
All you Americans and your electric karate vests
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I'm American now, so I might as well embrace electric nipple foolishness."
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
I hope that Master Choso is secretly thinking "oh, this oughta be good"
FancyShark
"I will disregard centuries of technique to humor the rich little white boy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man this episode of Cobra Kai is going some weird places.
gellaho
If this sounds like it comes out of nowhere, that's because it did.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DUKE WELLINGTON?!
FancyShark
Duke "Motherfucking" Wellington
1000 Space GDCs
Duke wellington had been waiting in that closet for hours
gellaho
Straight to child murder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Owner\proprietor of Lord Wellingtons Beef Trapeze and Kung Fu Studio from the Pasadena Union Street Plaza!
FancyShark
Duke literally burst into a room and challenged a child to a fistfight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I love Duke already.
LyraV
I'm seeing him as the duke of Wellington from Blackadder.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
I'm not gonna be able to read Duke as anyone but Sycho Sid Vicious
FancyShark
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duke_Ellington
gellaho
Quite the finger
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
just Tom's surprise
1000 Space GDCs
Wrong kid, Duke. Go kill the other one.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
Duke always expects magic diverting fingers
FancyShark
Wet Willy of War
gellaho
Gasp! Not 3D!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Rick breathes a sigh of relief, as he is one week from karate retirement.
FancyShark
Duke is 21 and ready to throw his life away to kill a nerd
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit, Dangerous Danny DeVille! Owner of Dangerous Danny's Krav Maga and Used Car Lot!
1000 Space GDCs
Half the people who meet Tom make the same choice.
LyraV
The most Dangerous Deals in Town!
FancyShark
Dangerous DeVille tried to soften his image by adopting the nickname "Danny"
gellaho
At school they meet a Dan Coster
FancyShark
Dan has a closet of polo shirts. I know it.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tom had also met Dan's third great aunt, twice removed, Sherleen Coster."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And a gold chain for every day of the week.
gellaho
The characters are coming fast and loose, get ready
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I can feel Dans thick black arm hair thru the pages.
FancyShark
Girls take years to acquire clothing in new countries
LyraV
Sure that's a thing people guess about.
gellaho
And now, a list of proper nouns
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God fuck your goddam relationships, get back to Duke Wellington fistmurdering Rick.
FancyShark
That Sandra, always arranging her placement in spaces
gellaho
Word gets out fast
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah me too, Tina. Me too.
gellaho
Aw, gawrsh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mandy Coster, with her thick, glossy mane of arm hair.
FancyShark
"I haven't smashed her in a car compressor, if that's what you mean."
gellaho
At the dojo, MORE CHARACTERS
FancyShark
Slow news day, I guess
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
hey guys! Karate rave fashion show! CALL THE WHOLE GANG IN
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair, if some teen nerd was going to electrify his friends nipples and have him fight an MMA bigshot I would want to watch it on the news.
gellaho
Tom must have gotten this tech crew together with psychic powers
FancyShark
"You readers are all rich children with limitless time and energy that everyone hates, right?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well you see, my weird best friend done a weird science and now my karate teacher thinks I need to be dismembered for my temerity."
gellaho
MORE
gellaho
CHARACTERS
FancyShark
hahahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Swift Enterprises sounds like they make cleaning products.
FancyShark
Humanoids. That completely natural saying
LyraV
Ham Anderson, Charles Cinco and Swan Frinkles the Third also enter.
gellaho
Duke's Manager, the Weasel
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Johnny Weisel, who will go on to found Weisels Schnitzles and Sambo Gym.
FancyShark
And of course, Ehrlenmeyer the Sign Language Sloth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Give the humanoids a good show, but fuck the quadrupeds and lesser hominins, they can fuck off."
gellaho
Sure, sending signals to space and back is faster than "wires"
FancyShark
Tom, you don't push paper through the wires. They use the same thing as-
you know what?
Fuck you
gellaho
Hmmm, I don't like the children dressing each other in fishnets and mesh
FancyShark
This was definitely a spot that the editor called the author about
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay now hold still while I insert this electrified metal rod into your urethra......"
1000 Space GDCs
why microcameras? There's already an established regular camera
gellaho
Off to a great start
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You will feel a slight.......pinch."
FancyShark
OH! Okay. Tom's a serial killer. Now it makes sense.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is a very elaborate way to prank and then murder your friend.
FancyShark
Someone wrote out a point and click adventure game
gellaho
A great system
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay now that I have erased Ricks higher motor functions with the wrath of Zeus, I just have to invent a way to download a lifetime of martial arts knowledge and skill off these floppy disks into his brain........."
FancyShark
Harlan: Never help a dying child when you can quip instead
gellaho
What a unique and exciting sci-fi device
LyraV
Let me test more homeade inventions on his unconscious form!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
FUCK YOUR GODDAM SONIC SCREWDRIVER TOM!
gellaho
Certainly not "borrowed" from any kind of long running television show
FancyShark
Next, Tom puts on his super long electron scarf
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Now, hold him down, I'm going to use these cameras to record it while I mess with his dick."
1000 Space GDCs
Tom stops bragging about his inventions long enough to notice the smell of charred flesh coming from Rick.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Gonna draw a little face on it and send the pictures to my sister, who he is dating."
gellaho
You electrocuted a robot?
FancyShark
"I programmed it to feel pain and fear, too!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No actually you didnt really tell me much of anything about this at all."
"So........did you.......fix that problem?"
LyraV
'That's some tool you've got there' Rick said to the robot while everyone looked on suspiciously.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Not.......as such."
1000 Space GDCs
"Sure, works great on robots now"
FancyShark
Tom is a supervillain waiting for the accident that turns him evil
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"So now that you reset my nervous system with a full body tasering and I shit my pants, I dont really feel like getting in a kickfight today."
FancyShark
"And that's how science wins!"
gellaho
I'm thinking Tom is related to Professor Norbert
FancyShark
Oh he decided that, did he?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tom decided the feeling was eerie, and so it was time to test it out on his best friend."
FancyShark
Add "fiber-optic" to the list of things the author doesn't understand
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Better him than me.", Tom is clearly a student of the heroic era of science when you did science by shoving an electrified rod up a dead dogs ass.
gellaho
I don't understand what the TV is for in the robot fighting scenario
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You know..........a classic martial arts pose. You get it, right reader?"
FancyShark
ugh, it's so boring making bots fight each other. Just watch an actual player on Twitch or Youtube
gellaho
Tom really can't resist punching hard, reflective objects
FancyShark
Tom is a bird
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And that was when Tom realized the Oculus Rift was a bad investment.
gellaho
This is an elaborate suicide
FancyShark
The system was engorged. Turgid. At attention.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"OH MY HUBRIS! I forgot to program the robot to not murder me!"
gellaho
That's quite the coincidence
FancyShark
I like the visual that it's approaching while apparently flailing like a windsock
gellaho
I need other people to electrocute
FancyShark
That's how it starts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yes. I almost died during this test. What I need is someone else to take the risks. Like my buddy Rick, he's trusting and dumb."
FancyShark
Within a month, he'll be harvesting organs from the homeless
gellaho
"It's so obvious that I missed it"
FancyShark
Yeah, biochemistry configuration is why there wasn't an "off" switch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"WHat? No don't be absurd, why should someone NOT want a crippling electric shock if their exoskeleton isnt calibrated correctly?"
"Design flaw shmeshine shmaw.
gellaho
Rick decides to try again
FancyShark
"I also added these safety axes, for stability"
1000 Space GDCs
This is so much more complicated and dangerous than just learning karate
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
FancyShark
Yeah. He decided the solution was "learn karate while wearing a glass suit"
LyraV
Ignore all the laughing, they're giggling because you're such a warrior.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And when I say, "real warrior" i mean I deliberately made you look like an asshole. Here's a colander with some wings I welded to it."
FancyShark
Holy shit, it's my Saints Row character
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Now put on these neon pantyhose."
gellaho
Writer is very into Duke
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"And these high heeled platform shoes with goldfish in them."
1000 Space GDCs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also who SHAVES their hair into a widows peak?!
Who WANTS a receding hairline?!
1000 Space GDCs
Guys that want to look like a Dracula, maybe
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
now, now, hear him out - maybe his hairline is tragically low
FancyShark
"Widow's Peak is that style where they have long, flowing hair like Conan, right?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ginger Dracula impersonator.
1000 Space GDCs
They both have a vulnerability to sunlight
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats the Widows Climax, its different.
LyraV
I like that so far Wellington is just a mindless meat monster, I don't think he's done anything but snarl at people.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
like when he has a full head of hair it looks like you maxed out the "head height" and "face height" sliders in opposite directions
gellaho
Rick goes maverick, and it does not end well
FancyShark
hahaha, he made a suit with lane correction
1000 Space GDCs
The televised heavyweight champion vs. child match goes exactly as expected
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Huh it seems like maybe I should have mentioned to Rick it takes about two weeks to train with the electric shirt."
LyraV
This all seems like stuff they should have discussed beforehand.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also maybe Tom should be the one getting his ass reamed in combat?
gellaho
Tina has decided that Rick is already dead
FancyShark
All that build-up and Rick gets destroyed. That is perfect
1000 Space GDCs
Tom is urging Rick to have faith in the machine spirit.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
"FUCKING KARATE!" yelled everyone
gellaho
Engage Lazarus Protocols
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I just wanted to make you look like an asshole, Tom, not kill Rick. Who could have thought making a teen boy fight a grown martial arts meat bulldozer would have serious consequences!?"
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
"FUCKING KARATE!" answered everyone
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Rick is dead and the suit is puppeting him.
gellaho
Tom's solution is always electrocution
FancyShark
I thought this book was going to be Tom trying to defeat a cyborg in karate, not him Real Steel-ing his idiot friend against Dolph Lundgren
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is some pretty mad sciencey shit.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
"i... is that healthy?"
"Sorry, which one of us invented an Electric Rifle?"
LyraV
Tom is coming across real detached
Agent of Fortune
Fuck how much did I miss
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
fun fact: it was originally called the TFSER
gellaho
"Come on, I've only passed out twice today!"
FancyShark
If this entire book is Tom making adjustments as Rick get beaten into soup, I will have a new favorite Book Cage book
"Rick," Tom said. "You've been dead for five or six minutes."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Rick, he already gave you brain damage, and that was on top of the brain damage I gave you with my untested electric shirt."
"And that is why I think continuing is a great idea! Duke Wellington will never see it coming!"
gellaho
Johnny Weisel, weasling around
gellaho
FancyShark
"The human face can only be hit so many times before it collapses! OR SO DUKE THINKS!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom invents the Electric Weasel.
gellaho
Tom Swift: Genius
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Y.....yeah actually I do have Warcraft installed but that's neither here nor there, sir."
FancyShark
The sociopath is annoyed by the autistic
gellaho
Well, I guess that's the end of the book
gellaho
1000 Space GDCs
Tom waits for 2 minutes while Windows loads, and Rick gets tenderized
FancyShark
Well, it was insane but it was short. Thanks, @gellaho !
gellaho
Hmmm
FancyShark
oh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Then Tom realized something else. Rick had blown out all his tendons and shattered his feet and hands."
FancyShark
Rick's organs are only in place because of the shirt
gellaho
The damned media!
FancyShark
He's like a grocery bag full of loose stew
gellaho
Rick expects at least three head injuries per day
Agent of Fortune
Did anyone proofread these books
FancyShark
"Mr. Swift! How do you respond to allegations that your son strapped a boy into a metal exoskeleton and let him get punched into chum by an adult?"
"Ugh, damned media vultures"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No comment, I plead the fifth, fake news!"
gellaho
Because that's how electricity works
gellaho
FancyShark
Those are tumors, Tom
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also your dick is bigger?"
"I dont think electricity even works that way."
LyraV
You're slowly turning into a robot but that's fine I've been trying to kill you this whole time.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh and when Duke punched you the rod in your urethra broke and is now slicing into your bladder. You need major surgery or you will die of piss poisoning."
FancyShark
"I think we need to refine the process. Let's get you in the uranium jockstrap."
gellaho
Just stalking some children, nothing out of the ordinary
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Linda Nueve, having replaced Maria Ocho, is gonna be damned if Marla Diez gets her fucking job.
gellaho
I can smell those kids
FancyShark
Linda turned down an interview with the Amir of Kuwait for this stakeout
1000 Space GDCs
That smell is Rick's charred organs
gellaho
Secret Agent Redhead
gellaho
3D!
FancyShark
hahaha
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh you mean that thing I made from random crap and sheet metal that electrocutes people? Sure."
FancyShark
"Or you'll crash the helicopter with you in it?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Soon my used car dealership will be a NEW CAR DEALERSHIP!"
1000 Space GDCs
3D has discovered he has a very specific fetish that only a fishnet shirt covered in electrodes can satisfy
gellaho
Electricity: performance and cowardice enhancer
FancyShark
Helicopters don't nosedive, Danny
Agent of Fortune
Wait his last name is Devil?
That's not very subtle even for these
1000 Space GDCs
3D pilots a helicopter about as well as I do in Battlefield.
gellaho
dangerous
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its EDF Heli rules up ins!
1000 Space GDCs
Who approved this flight plan?
FancyShark
Meanwhile, the other passengers are getting annoyed that no one is pointing out the sights
LyraV
I bet he's got a leather jacket and everything.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He wont kill himself." is not the kind of thing you wanna be confident about when dealing with a man named Dangerous Danny and who is demanding your electric shirt.
gellaho
A plan only a genius could come up with
FancyShark
Joystick?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Quick, Rick. Use your karate.....skills...........FUCK."
"I knew there was a flaw in my plan to replace skill with electrocuting shirts!"
FancyShark
"Joystick" cannot possibly be the right term for the controls
gellaho
Rick laughing at that is how you know he's concussed
FancyShark
Now it's The Edge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah Tom. You joke but you realize now that you've made me an unstoppable karate machine, I can eat you, right?"
1000 Space GDCs
Maybe replace that sonic screwdriver with a lighter in your EDC, Tom.
gellaho
Tom once again attempts to understand hu-man emotions
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
UH ohhhhhhh, Rick is hooked on Karate Thunder.
FancyShark
Tom, refusing to take chances, buries Rick alive in the wilderness
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ronald Reagan sheds a single tear, for another young man is lost to karate drugs.
gellaho
3D out of nowhere
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And good, because fuck Reagan.
Jesus Danny, you're already a fucking Terminator.
FancyShark
oh hell yes, we're getting a Nately's Whore setup
gellaho
Some threats for the kids
gellaho
FancyShark
I like DeVille's style
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah negotiate with that, Tom.
You wont be so smart when Danny is wearing your face and coyotes are gnawing your shanks in a shallow grave.
FancyShark
And again, he's absolutely my Saints Row character
gellaho
Found Rick's off switch
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Danny..........you know fucking Dim Mak?
What the fuck man.
gellaho
3D is feral
FancyShark
Move over, Rick Moran. There's a new contender to the throne
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe use some of that shit on Duke Wellington?
Man this book should have been Duke and Danny's rivalry, not this little weiner and his best friend fucking around with an electric pervert shirt.
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
"I control the planet! I know the death touch! I! AM! DANNY! DEVILLE!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I'm Death Touch Danny, and I want to get YOU behind the wheel of a gently used Honda Accord, TODAY!"
LyraV
It seems like 3D there could have just kidnapped Wellington in the helicopter and saved himself some time?
gellaho
3D is fucking crazy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I think Danny wants to beat him in an honorable public fight where Danny cheats?
FancyShark
Do the unexpected. Urinate on a squirrel and use Rick's broken arm as a flail.
Goddamn, this guy rules
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jesus Danny is like a fucking jaguar that huffed hallucinogenic spores.
LyraV
He could hang out with Trevor from GTA
gellaho
Probably could have chosen better words
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
CRUSH! THAT! LAD!
Fuck yeah!
LyraV
He's like an old-timey gangster and I love it.
FancyShark
I really want to play Saints Row after this
gellaho
Are you having fun kids?
gellaho
FancyShark
That's only going to make him horny
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahaha Dancing Danny's days of doing the charleston are over.
Thon it would be fuckin sweet if that boulder broke instead.
FancyShark
This is how PvP works in Dark Souls, except I don't dodge in time
gellaho
I hate both of you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Come Tomas, let us use the bones of the vanquished for firewood."
gellaho
CYBORG KICKBOXER has become My Side of the Mountain
FancyShark
Twenty feet away, a camping family stares in horror
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom and Rick share a tin of baked beans and stare into each others eyes and for a moment, it becomes Brokeback Mountain.
gellaho
That's how sound works
FancyShark
I was joking when I said it was becoming The Edge! Joking!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck. You. Tom.
FancyShark
"Infrasonic pen"?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck you.
gellaho
3D with all the wild mood swings
FancyShark
Appleton wrote this while channel surfing, didn't he?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You can use a sonic screwdriver\magic wand to start fires but not invent a cellphone?
Or even remember that helicopters have radios?
FancyShark
I guess the evil was in DeVille's knee
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh god Tom remembers but wanted to just make Rick walk back anyway.
gellaho
"Don't ask me how. What do I look like, an author?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man knows when to be gracious in defeat.
FancyShark
"Oh right, rich people get looked for"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Somehow the helicopter knew they were there, despite standing in no cover and stealthily waving their arms!"
gellaho
Things don't have to make sense
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean.......No actually you'd probably be fired and jailed.
Like that isnt the threat you think it is, Linda.
FancyShark
Lady, you have a story about a lunatic karate fighter kidnapping and attempting to murder a billionaire's son
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Toms dad is "My son can electrify his best friend whenever. " rich.
gellaho
Everyone is fucking crazy
LyraV
Right? That's the way bigger story and she is not interested.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm pretty sure he can swing covering for a leak or two.
FancyShark
Okay, Linda went up a couple notches just by intimidating DeVille
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Danny would ordinarily threaten to wear her face but he's having a bad day.
FancyShark
His heart's not in it
gellaho
she's hiding her crush well
gellaho
FancyShark
Danny threatens to crash the helicopter if they don't give her an interview
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Not big enough that a kid inventing an electric shirt that makes you kick ass doesnt completely overshadow the sport tho, huh Linda?
LyraV
It sounds like she's describing Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.
gellaho
Lenny the Phantom
FancyShark
Tommy Chi, of Tommy Chi's Chai Emporium and Waffles
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lenny the Phantom of Lennys Wontons and Phantom Fist Dojo.
LyraV
Striker Hayes of Golf Clubs International
gellaho
This is all happening extraordinarily fast
FancyShark
Roger Salick of Pep Boys on I-83
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also runs Rogers Bagels and Boxing Equipment.
FancyShark
They also sell clocks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah how else do boxers know how long the rounds are?
FancyShark
I hope Central Hills is the new kickboxing capital solely because so many people want to kick the shit out of Tom
gellaho
Suicide by Duke
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Twenty years later Tom is a car salesman and Rick is an embittered dingus.
FancyShark
Tazing his arm, trying to remember his glory days
1000 Space GDCs
Tom begins building an electric trepanner to change Rick's mind.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tom paused and considered that brains run on electricity and he has a knife setting on his sonic screwdriver."
gellaho
The plot once again refuses to move forward
gellaho
IT'S SO SUBTLE
FancyShark
This book needs a new transmission
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Lord Wellingtons Beef Trapeze is running a special on Beef Wellington and all you can eat Toad in the Hole and LINDA NUEVE and the LIBERAL ELITE dont want you to know about it!"
FancyShark
"GET A LIMITED TIME DEEP STATE DISH PIZZA AND- NO! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Andy i told you, nobody in America even knows what Beef Wellington IS, you crazy fucker."
gellaho
This author has really gotten Kickboxing confused with pro wrestling
FancyShark
And yet, not even a sign of Ray Jackson
gellaho
THAT'S DANGEROUS DANNY'S MUSIC!
FancyShark
If Danny is what Darkwing Duck was always talking about, that show whipped more ass than I thought
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which is impressive because we all knew Darkwing Duck whipped considerable ass.
gellaho
I WANT YOUR MOUTH AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO MINE, BROTHER
FancyShark
KISS
DO IT
gellaho
THAT'S RICK'S MUSIC
FancyShark
The Duke is the only motherfucker crazy enough to talk that way to DeVille
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Until your legs, i mean, belt is around my waist and I am deep inside you......."
1000 Space GDCs
I take it these kickboxing matches don't have like, fight doctors or insurance or anything.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The CTE is catching up to Rick real fast.
FancyShark
Drop goes the Weisel...'s jaw
gellaho
DUKE WELLINGTON SHOWS NO MERCY
FancyShark
Duke, what the hell are you talking about?
gellaho
SIGN FOR CHARITY, IF YOU'VE GOT THE GUTS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh no Duke, sorry, that was a fart, I had one of Master Chosos Chorizo and Devil Pepper Burritos for lunch."
1000 Space GDCs
Oh, it's fine if a heavyweight champion beats up a kid if it's for charity.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Soon it will be time for pounding." the grown man said to the teen boy.
gellaho
Linda is only interested in the least interesting story
FancyShark
"THE TIME FOR POUNDING HAS BEGUN". I'm saving that for my next date.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Linda is gonna lose her job to Marla for sure.
FancyShark
Habitat for Oh The Humanity
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Her journalistic sense is awful.
gellaho
3D decides to get revenge on Duke by kidnapping someone else's daughter
gellaho
Because he's fucking crazy
LyraV
Linda is a terrible reporter.
FancyShark
3D commits to the kayfabe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah and Master Choso is going to get queso and kung fu based revenge, right? Instead of sending two dipshit teens to do it, right?!
1000 Space GDCs
Or just call the cops on the guy that just confessed to a crime
gellaho
New frontrunner for most ridiculous name
FancyShark
If Choso doesn't get into a full ninja fight with 3D, this author is a failure that cannot be redeemed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All Danny means is that Tina will be given a job on Dannys road crew and will never have time to go home.
FancyShark
Of the Central Hills Montagues
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Robin Montague, once dated a girl named Jerry Capulet, but it didnt work out.
FancyShark
Yeah. Drive-by
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Actually they were just not compatible and broke up, it was relatively drama free.
Real boring story.
FancyShark
oh, well, win some, lose some
gellaho
Robin tells Tom about the many, many crimes they could have arrested 3D for if Tom had bothered to call the police
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Other fish in the sea." Robin said.
FancyShark
Tom: Doesn't understand how laws work
LyraV
John Leguizamo definitely wasn't there.
1000 Space GDCs
Tom just needs to invent an electric telephone before he can call the police.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What could we have possibly charged the man with, he only threatened to cut my face off, is that a crime?"
FancyShark
"He only assaulted me and my friend"
Rick's arm is fully gangrenous by now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What is this, Soviet Russia? Where a man cant abduct two teen boys under false pretenses, crash a helicopter and have a martial arts fight to the death like a methed out puma in the mountains?"
"No, Sir. Tom Swift will not be calling the police today."
gellaho
They start going through Choso's tape collection
FancyShark
Necessary brutality is things like when the ref screams "Finish Him!"
Brendan
My move is DONE.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It sounds like Danny is just really angling for that kumite invite.
Brendan
My TWO-WEEK MOVE is OVER
catch me up
gellaho
She was just too rad at kicking
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Let the THREE WEEK MOVES BEGIN!
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"She was so lonely, so I brought her to a place where she didnt know anyone and was full of dangerous kickpredators and sociopathic white boy inventors."
FancyShark
Welcome, @Brendan ! Tom Swift is a rich asshole who made an electronic shirt to help his friend Rick karate fight. It doesn't work. Dangerous Danny DeVille is a redheaded lunatic who kicks all the ass and kidnapped Rick's sensei's daughter to challenge Duke Wellington, an Aryan murder machine
gellaho
SUPRISE DUKE
FancyShark
And Linda Nueve is a terrible reporter that wants a good story and is ignoring all the good stories
Brendan
Danny sounds awesome, is he this book's hero?
FancyShark
He's OUR hero
He's like Rick Moran, but without a gun
1000 Space GDCs
Duke executes a perfect Vulcan nerve pinch.
Brendan
I LOVE Rex Moranis!
LyraV
He friggin should be.
gellaho
He did just kidnap a child, so I'm not signing off on that
Brendan
INFO: Was the child evil?
FancyShark
He kidnapped Tom, too, and that worked out fine
LyraV
Oh wait... yeah good point, this book has me all backwards.
Brendan
Like if you got sent through time to kill baby Hitler, you could just kidnap and raise him to punch out racist skinheads on the oi scene
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom is definitely evil. Rick is just brain damaged from all the punches and electricity.
Brendan
Duke Wellington
FancyShark
Danny is not a good person, but he is awesome
gellaho
Tom once again thought not to bother the police with this
FancyShark
Also, Tom has a Legally Distinct Sonic Screwdriver
Brendan
Easily the least-best Wellington and the least jazzy Duke. And that's saying something, because Duke basketball is the Rich Asshole Country Club of the NCAA.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Danny is like if Macho Man Randy Savage was real and did a lot of meth.
More meth?
FancyShark
Red hair and meth, yeah
1000 Space GDCs
This author also thinks kickboxing works on pro wrestling rules.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Duke is just pissed Linda didnt help him shill his Spotted Dick two for one sale.
gellaho
A second van!? How is such a thing possible!?
gellaho
TURBO MODE
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Kid, do you think I give a single fuck about news vans? I've literally lost a fight to an electric teen, and then kidnapped another one for his secrets."
gellaho
Very realistic
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Turbo van tho!
FancyShark
Light speed!
Brendan
I will say this. The prose is on point.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah 227 in a residential zone!
FancyShark
They hit a raccoon and it turned to vapor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
They liquidated a nun and six orphans and didnt even notice at that speed.
1000 Space GDCs
Tom is Death Proofing these guys.
Brendan
Well...they told themselves it must have been a raccoon.
gellaho
The whiplash killed them instantly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Toms got a sweet van.
LyraV
Tom is like...scarily intense.
FancyShark
The inside of the van is like a jar of marinara
gellaho
That's what airbags do, sure
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom is the kind of kid who straps his best friend into a suit that shocks the mortal piss out of him, and claims it was an accident.
LyraV
I think it's meant to make him seem heroic but really I just end up feeling like he'd steal your brain if he thought there was something cool about it.
gellaho
Exactly how airbags work
Brendan
...he dove out of the car at 227mph?
FancyShark
Yeah. He's one wrong move from becoming Hannibal Lecter or a Batman villain
FancyShark
Mostly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"you should never get in a strangers van." Tom said as he revved the chainsaw.
gellaho
Even Faster. But the computer was driving
LyraV
He strapped his buddy into an electrified fishnet shirt earlier with zero instructions and it literally stopped his heart.
FancyShark
All because the karate instructor didn't like him
gellaho
Tom is definitely going to murder these two
Brendan
Definitely creeping into villainy.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom wants Master Choso to pass on the secrets of his Five Point Bean and Chorizo dip.
FancyShark
Tom's new karate shirt is going to have tattoos
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And he will stop at nothing to get it.
gellaho
The author has forgotten how the disks work
FancyShark
This fucking shirt has so many breakable pieces
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also wait did Duke just try and "Shucks I'm sure sorry I kidnapped and threatened to murder you. I'll go now. Real sorry."?
Hahahahha Tom what?>
gellaho
Linda never understood Duke's love for the Weasel
FancyShark
Pauly Shore was at his peak when this published
1000 Space GDCs
I want to think that the kick boxing league wouldn't recognize a victory by a guy being puppeteered by a robot via seizures.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Women never understand the love a beef lord shares with his weaselly manager. How could she, when she has never struck her opponent with a steel folding chair given at just the right moment?
gellaho
The career path from Kickboxing manager to reporter must have been something
FancyShark
It at least explains why she's a terrible reporter
1000 Space GDCs
What is feed bag a euphemism for, in this context? I'm so confused.
gellaho
Weasel has been scorned
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Linda you said my Bangers and Mash were shit and I should feel bad, Johnny at least supports my dreams."
FancyShark
Weisel struggled to say "shirt"
Brendan
Using someone up for profit, I reckon.
gellaho
The suit is being repurposed for... Something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also how dare Linda imply that people are not proud of Duke and his restaurant? Lord Wellingtons Beef Trapeze is a quality establishment for the whole family!
LyraV
You shouted it Tom, we all heard it.
gellaho
Sandra has no time for this impossible science
FancyShark
Tom gets the cleaver
gellaho
Disks are magical
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Because I'm going to build a big fuck off Tesla coil and fry DeVille like a side of bacon. Raccoons will eat his shriveled eyes and crows will flock from miles around to peck at his brain."
gellaho
Good thing a heartbeat never changes for any reason
gellaho
Wait
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Shit kid, you are too intense for The Duke. I'm out of here."
LyraV
Especially when spun on sticks.
FancyShark
Heyyy! We're back at the preview from the other book!
LyraV
haha I love the name change Shark that's so dope
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well I have this pigs heart, and im going to run a current thru it, and if I get the incantations right, sympathetic principals will cause it to beat when we get close to Tina."
gellaho
And the award for most awkward way to say "record" goes to
FancyShark
lol, thanks!
1000 Space GDCs
They're called mp3s, tom. We know
FancyShark
Tom really can make anything sound nerdy as shit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Of course theres no way anything in like a twenty mile radius will make noise and fuck this up for me."
"No possibility that, say, some raccoons fucking in a dumpster will lead us in a wrong direction."
LyraV
He then used a cylindrical implement to scratch lines onto paper, reducing them into words.
gellaho
Such a great thing that heartbeats are always constant and never slow or speed up for any reason
gellaho
FancyShark
Tom's making those bullshit hearing aids from the old infomercial
"You can't shut off a heartbeat," he says as someone flatlines.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom.........You stupid asshole. If you had to canvass the whole fucking town you might as well not have bothered! COPS COULD DO THIS.
I mean they WOULDNT.
FancyShark
The cops would probably just go to Danny's house.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
But they COULD
gellaho
Tom's thinking music is the same as mine
Brendan
Please do not give the cops biometric hunter tech, Tom.
Invent a cyborg cop, then we'll talk.
1000 Space GDCs
I'll give tom credit for building a better self driving car than Elon musk.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And Danny is like a six foot tall man with big speedball panther energy, SOMEONE saw where he went.
FancyShark
Scanning speed limits but not for obstacles
oh wait, damn
missed that line
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait tho if your car decelerates too fast it will certainly injure the occupants and you still have time needed to slow down........
FancyShark
Danny is Cletus Kassidy without the symbiote
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom is this another " didnt really consider that I might want to not program the robot for murder" situation?
gellaho
Good thing 3D doesn't have a distinctive look. Someone might have recognized him
FancyShark
Don't worry. This time he has an off switch in place. To shut off heartbeats.
It's a gun.
gellaho
Tom figures 3D is hiding in the construction near the park
FancyShark
"Oh my god, that's inside the room!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah because when I kidnap teen girls I head to a busy construction site first.
Erm.
Wait.
gellaho
This may be the dumbest method of identification I've ever seen
LyraV
I was distracted trying to roll a blunt for the first time in like 5 years but I see things have slowly inched toward something happening.
gellaho
Rock-solid man with the strange haircut
1000 Space GDCs
Tom's inventions have series UX flaws.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah its foolproof, taking your kidnapping victim to a convention center.
gellaho
That was close
LyraV
Cruella really should have given her son a better nickname and her car.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes just in a fucking HOLE?!
FancyShark
Danny is efficient
Brendan
Tina's doing some wicked skate tricks.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He'd better be clinging to a girder like Meth Spiderman or I'm gonna be real disappointed in Danny.
gellaho
Can't go limp and land on your feet, my friend
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tom..........You fucking suck so much.
gellaho
Time for the two insane men to fight
FancyShark
Good thing he was attacked. He was about to invent an electric ladder
YES
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I hope Tina hooks up with your arch rival Tim Sudden.
gellaho
Linda's there, too sure
gellaho
Why the fuck not
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah now this is gonzo journalism.
FancyShark
DeVille thinks having a single disk on his face is enough to have superpowers. God, he rules
He's just going to get electro shock therapy as he fights
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Marla Diez is gonna have to keep working at the Taco Bell for a while longer.
gellaho
These two end up in embraces a lot
FancyShark
A jab shouldn't move the whole body
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean according to some people hugging is the highest form of martial arts.
gellaho
I have a hard time picturing this
LyraV
Javo showed me a video one time that confirms this.
FancyShark
Oh no! Not the ten-foot drop!
gellaho
"Eat shit, kids"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
PIT FIGHT PIT FIGHT!
"Hey kid, stop being such a pussy and enjoy the show!"
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
oh hell yeah I duck in and there's newsfighters watching pit fights?
FancyShark
Linda is so fired
FancyShark
THE DUKE VS DANGEROUS DANNY DEVILLE
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
I meant newscasters but I was so excited to type "pit fights"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Linda is gonzo as shit.
👽 Mo can get you Diseases
that now I mean newsfighters
gellaho
Seems like a plan that can't fail
gellaho
Brendan
I'm mostly curious how he turned midair.
FancyShark
And it snaps immediately
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Linda just ignores him, too busy doing color commentary
1000 Space GDCs
Someone is going to get mortal Kombat uppercutted into the pit full of kidnapping victims.
gellaho
Climb, hu-man fe-male
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
EW dont do that Tina, you'll end up a lampshade.
1000 Space GDCs
You stole that bit from star wars, you hack.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And fuck this writer for setting this up with like three sentences of dialogue earlier.
gellaho
3D'S GOT A FOREIGN OBJECT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
FUCK YEAH FLYING KICK INTERCEPT WITH TWO-BY-FOUR!
The classic maneuver!
gellaho
"Just let me get changed real quick"
FancyShark
OH MY! DANGEROUS DANNY HAS BLINDSIDED THE DUKE WITH AN ILLEGAL BOARD!
This is great karate
gellaho
It's been pretty well established that this magic shirt requires several cameras and computer banks to work, so let's see if the author remembers
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man Duke has some serious ability to enshirten himself while getting his ass beaten with a board.
He's working on Skyrim rules.
1000 Space GDCs
Changing shirts is a free action.
gellaho
Tina tags in
FancyShark
Thank god the game pauses in the inventory menu
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah this hundred twenty pound teen girl just kicked an amphetamine rhino.
FancyShark
So...how did she get captured?
gellaho
3D attempts punching and kicking at the same time
FancyShark
He's flailing like the robot!
THIS IS WHAT TOM TRAINED AND FAILED FOR!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Tom you fucking suck.
gellaho
Slapstick hijinks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You tried to make all this shit obsolete and all you did was make Rick have hurtthink and a new way to bake potatoes.
1000 Space GDCs
Tina is the only person in this story that isn't insufferable.
gellaho
And electrocuted. Because that's what the shirt is best at
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Danny......you fucking need to step this up because you are literally losing to a teen girl whos maybe a third of your weight and you have to have like a good foot of height on her.
gellaho
Leaving out information is a great storytelling device
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's a good thing he has that used car dealership to fall back on because he's just not cut out for kickboxing.
gellaho
3D gets arrested at the hospital. Which they could have easily done earlier in the story
1000 Space GDCs
At any point, If they had bothered to inform law enforcement.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean Tom and Rick could have just beaten him to death with rocks in the mountains and I dont think it would even have made the book shorter?
gellaho
But there are still somehow twenty pages left, so something happened to Rick
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Thats almost impressive to have a main story thread be that unimportant.
LyraV
Then the robot kills Tom and Rick and the circle is complete
FancyShark
Rick's heart stopped. Guess you were wrong, Tom
gellaho
This book has already had two endings, let's go for a third
1000 Space GDCs
Rick's nerve damage had finally caught up to him.
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Return of the King this sumbitch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah he was saying something about "Not needing Tom to teach him how to work this dumb robut." and then he fucking got his head caved in by that goddam kung fu robot you built but never programmed not to murder."
"We need you to invent a special kind of mop to clean up."
gellaho
But nothing related to the mesh suit addiction that was foreshadowed
gellaho
That would make too much sense
Instead he just got jumped
FancyShark
Writer thinks we're back at the prologue
gellaho
I don't know why Weasel is still here
gellaho
Linda clearly replaced him
1000 Space GDCs
He is a literal child, weasel.
gellaho
They made out in the last chapter
In the children's book
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Children love stories of pit fights and how that makes reporters blood horny.
It's why everyone loves Bloodsport.
gellaho
I'm not sure Weasel is cartoonish enough
FancyShark
But no Ray Jackson
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Weasel sneered. "There's any number of round little men who sneer!", he sneered sneeringly."
FancyShark
"Then he gnawed on a chew toy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Now it would be wild if Weasel then kidnaps Sandra and the book has another act left to go.
gellaho
Duke Wellington shown here completely forgetting about how he threatened to murder these kids several times. And attempted to kidnap them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Libel is printed, Johnny.
FancyShark
"I could have killed him, Johnny"
1000 Space GDCs
Also what kind of league authorizes a match between a heavyweight champion and a minor?
gellaho
The only reason the fight was happening was because Rick wanted to. I don't know why Tom is disappointed now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well actually Duke, I was afraid you would win and people would go "Hey its real fucked up how you beat that kid up."
gellaho
Or why the Weasel is still managing him
Why though
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lol. lmao.
Juho
...the man is 6'8" and pure muscle. Who even is in his weight class?
1000 Space GDCs
But you didn't sign the contract, tom
FancyShark
Tom's going to fight the man he's controlling like a puppet. Tom is the hero.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Toms dad is gonna be so pissed at him.
1000 Space GDCs
Children, we are expected to believe.
Juho
That's an inch taller than the average height of an NBA player.
LyraV
Maybe then he'd remember his birthday.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hah no chance.
Hiram Regibald Swift remembers no birthdays!
gellaho
Seems like he should be using the suit, it's kind of the premise of the book
gellaho
"But I invented the suit?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey you know that thing that I invented for exactly this reason and the only possible good use case it has?"
"It be this."
Brendan
when you're an MMA fighter that kind of thing is just a disagreement.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tina........in Toms defense he HAS trained with your dad, what the fuck was he doing there if not the basics?
FancyShark
Calling a shot: Tina was asked by her dad to train Tom and this is all a setup to do that
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And you need more than a day or two for that kind of thing.
I think Tina just wants an excuse to put him in a leg lock.
gellaho
NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY GENIUS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And maybe punch him erotically a little.
This is where Tom gouges out his own eyes so he can do baseball math better, yes?
gellaho
Heat guided kicks, sure
LyraV
He began speaking to the discs quietly and they began to answer.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I stole this chip from my dads factory. What? No of course that doesnt count as industrial espionage or embezzlement."
Heat seeking kicks is pretty sweet tho, it would be a great idea for some kind of man and machine hybrid.
Brendan
Tom is just extra-work robocop
gellaho
You know how people be magnetic
1000 Space GDCs
They're just called voltmeters.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I want Tom to shock his own brain and become a karate Mr. Hyde.
gellaho
The well-known murderous impulses powered by the human electromagnetic field
FancyShark
Unfortunately, Tom forgot to update the firmware and Rick's heart implodes
1000 Space GDCs
And why are you using an analog voltmeters? Are you using equipment from the underfunded university I went to?
gellaho
I didn't know you could misunderstand any and all science this much
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Fuck yeah all this electricity coursing thru my nervous system is absolutely not giving me a false sense of invincibility!"
gellaho
Just in all directions
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
this is sounding more and more like the origin story of a Spider-man villain.
1000 Space GDCs
Also, you don't use a voltmeter to measure current. That's an ammeter.
Brendan
It's a tough one tonight, but I'm comfortable calling this election for Sausage as MVP.
gellaho
Constantly shocking yourself will make you better at karate, and murderous
LyraV
Seconded!
gellaho
But it will also not effect your heart at all, which as we all know, beats at a unique and constant rate
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
There's not a good emoji for "flattered and humbled."
gellaho
Ah, the grandest stage of them all
Brendan
Tom listens to "Lose yourself" as he prepares to cheat.
gellaho
Lenny the Phantom would be proud
LyraV
Tom our hero, screaming for blood and using a cyber suit to cheat.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You're the best (electric shirt) around, nobody ever gonna keep you down, you're the best. (electric shirt) arouuund!"
FancyShark
At least he's acting like a proper rich brat
gellaho
A very easy and straightforward sentence
gellaho
That's four "of"s
FancyShark
This is Marvel Babies: Ironfist vs Iron Man
1000 Space GDCs
That's a very complicated way to say cheating
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The last time I heard someone talk about their "Ultra high tech cybersuit" it was someone explaining to me how a haptic feedback suit could be used for VR porn.
FancyShark
So you WERE paying attention
gellaho
Electricity does everything
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean I didnt say I wasnt interested.
1000 Space GDCs
Also why bother training if you're just going to surrender to your AI master?
Brendan
Tina thought him still a man. She could not know he was now...Upgrade, the Living Cyborguter!
FancyShark
Electromagnetic healing is the kind of bullshit that sells crystals
gellaho
"Forget about when I jumped you"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man all this book to explain why this nerd has a cool electric shirt that makes him do karate good.
Brendan
Duke murders kids, he doesn't batter them.
It's like eating meat but refusing foie gras
gellaho
If only there were some kind of clue, Tom
FancyShark
"Remember when we first met and I immediately tried to kill you? Good times."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And tbh I would have just accepted "He has a cool electric shirt that makes him do karate good, now watch him battle the Space Apes from Gularo Seven."
FancyShark
Tom Swift: He'll get there eventually
1000 Space GDCs
Tom is more machine now, than man.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Huh I wonder if this untested suit has some psychological side effects as it electrifies my thinkmeat?"
"Nah."
"Problems for Future Tom."
gellaho
The fight begins. Tom's brilliant computer targets the softest and most vulnerable body part: the kneecaps
FancyShark
oh hell, I just remembered. There are Hardy Boys/Tom Swift crossover books
gellaho
Why do you think we're reading this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tho admittedly if I had a superpowered karate suit I would go a little weird with it.
FancyShark
I know. I just forgot and oh god there's going to be so much blood
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gonna go thru a whole squad of Callies.
gellaho
Fuck off, Choso
LyraV
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Um.......I learned I am a genius and I kick ass?"
1000 Space GDCs
Tom learned to electrocute motherfuckers, Chozo.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I thought you were going to be more American from now on, Master Choso?"
"We dont do self introspection."
gellaho
Fuck off, Choso. Oh, he did
FancyShark
🥷
Brendan
...still waiting
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wait what? Who....what?
Brendan
He Batmanned him!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Choso.........are you just making shit up to sound mysterious?
FancyShark
Choso just went to get an ice cream sandwich
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Are you doing a Confucious on this white kid?
gellaho
The second someone asks me about where's my art, I will throw them into a ravine
FancyShark
<writing down phrase to have Javo say>
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is the perfect first act to have in a kung fu movie, but Tom is the villain and then kills Choso, so Rick and Tina team up for revenge and Tom learns the real karate cybersuit was the human spirit. Shortly before he dies of Dick Exploding.
gellaho
Should probably feel some accomplishment for your magic karate suit
gellaho
Also, the entire reason for this fight was to test the karate suit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Tom has Git Gudded himself!
gellaho
SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol. Lmao.
FancyShark
This is the ending of Mortal Kombat Annihilation where Jax tears off the bitchin' cyber arms to fight a minotaur
centaur
a taur dude
gellaho
At no point was this about Tom testing his skills
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
With only ass punches too!
gellaho
He wasn't even in the karate class anymore
FancyShark
Tom was literally trying to prove you didn't need to train to win at karate because of the suit
1000 Space GDCs
I feel like this is a revelation we've been mocking tom for not getting since like page 3.
gellaho
Time to die
FancyShark
CHONG LI! CHONG LI!
Brendan
salad is here.
byeeee
FancyShark
Take care, @Brendan ! See you at the meat party!
gellaho
Well, that is convenient
gellaho
FancyShark
Years of McRibs finally take their toll
1000 Space GDCs
Duke is fucking hammered.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh do you think it might be lingering injuries from when the meth jaguar man broke a piece of lumber over his fuckin back? Tom? Do you think maybe?
Nah its Dukes underlying congenital heart condition he's been struggling with his whole life.
gellaho
Maybe the latest we've ever got to the preview
gellaho
FancyShark
So Tom's revelation was pointless
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Electric Dim Mak.
FancyShark
The End
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Tom screamed back at Weisel "YOU DARE ACCUSE THOR, GOD OF THUNDER?!"
1000 Space GDCs
Them's the risk you take when you fight a child in powered armor with no fight doctors.
LyraV
Maybe slap the shirt on him and electric him up or something Tom or just do anything really.
gellaho
And there's no way to test it once it's touched the ground
FancyShark
Choso hides the blowgun in his shirt and slinks into the crowd
gellaho
Five second rule of poison
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Uh maybe yall should give Duke some emergency care? If he's got his oxygen cut off he's still alive.
gellaho
Wakka wakka
FancyShark
USE A PAPER STRAW, YOU FIEND!
gellaho
Humanoids is back
LyraV
Master Choso is going to fuck this guy up.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well.......that makes no sense. Like you could get a new meat golem to represent, my dude.
FancyShark
I don't think cameras are an effective barrier
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also he just got his ass kicked by a teen, a meth lunatic, and a teen again. His career is more or less over.
Also he did a kidnapping?
gellaho
Electricity is magic
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah sure, do reiki. Suck his dick for all it matters.
FancyShark
for fuck's sake, Tom, just intubate him
LyraV
Tom Swift and his Magical Fishnet Shirt
1000 Space GDCs
Tom needs to invent an electric CPR machine.
gellaho
Magic
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If Duke gets better its 100% because Duke was going to survive anyway and not Toms magic electro shirt.
FancyShark
Seriously, if his throat is closed, you intubate, you fucking goblin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh god Duke is gonna be one of those magnet bracelet weirdos from now on, Tom what have you done?!
gellaho
Swifty Swift
FancyShark
Duke's brain was starved for oxygen
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah I already invented something that makes your whole sport stupid easy, what the fuck do you think I need to keep doing it for?"
LyraV
This author thinks nicknames are just the most annoying shit you could come up with.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Kickboxing just became something like archery."
"Five hundred meter pointed stick hurl."
"Cave man shit, you dig?"
gellaho
Looks like Tom has learned absolutely nothing
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
And thus, the Mutant League was born
gellaho
Maybe these books can get stupider
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You see, if I attach a jet engine and steering fins to the football, I can control it with this RC car remote."
LyraV
He'll kill you one day Rick.
1000 Space GDCs
Tom's inventions increase CBT injuries in the NFL by 500%
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah Tom makes a Superfriends episode!
FancyShark
I want to read more of these just to see how much the author doesn't understand more science
1000 Space GDCs
This is just that episode of Star trek where Barclay turns into a spider.
gellaho
We have defeated Tom Swift #3: Cyborg Kickboxer
LyraV
Tom Swift #4 the DNA Disaster, hosted by Maury Povich
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Rick is still friends with Tom after he was nearly killed by his electric suit and is available for being turned into an ape man.
FancyShark
We did it!
Stellar work, everyone!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jesus Christ that face.
1000 Space GDCs
That was some intense madness. Good work everyone.
FancyShark
Hell yes to the new title, @1000 Space GDCs !
LyraV
You were all stellar tonight!
1000 Space GDCs
Go to book jail, Tom Swift.
gellaho
It's beauty is how I've chosen to represent myself
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Whichever character thats meant to be has a sweet mustache.
gellaho
Fighting Cyborg Lasertag Wizards is a bonus
LyraV
@Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage way to rock the jokes!
gellaho
That concludes the 75th Edition of The Book Cage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Everyone was real funny and on point tonight.
1000 Space GDCs
Yeah we did a good job on this one.
FancyShark
A well-deserved victory, @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It was really timely, I'm glad my PC didnt fuck up and I could attend. Earlier it was looking like I was gonna just spend the next week depression napping.
FancyShark
Hope it holds together long enough for you to get a new card
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If it does it does, I feel more at peace with it now I've remember my stock of Old Shitty Laptops.
They are good enough to run some simple games and keep me on Discord and thats all I need at the end of the day.
FancyShark
Have a great night, everybody! Talk to you tomorrow!
Brendan
Holy shnerk that is five concepts
hail, hail @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage! A triumph for @Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage! The Senate has granted thee custom to enter the city armed, o Kaiser!
gellaho
#0001
tom swift #3
gellaho
October will bring surprises for all. But you'll have to wait until Monday
