75: 3 Cyborg Kickboxer Victor Appleton

FancyShark

Tom's new karate shirt is going to have tattoos

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And he will stop at nothing to get it.

gellaho

The author has forgotten how the disks work

FancyShark

This fucking shirt has so many breakable pieces

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also wait did Duke just try and "Shucks I'm sure sorry I kidnapped and threatened to murder you. I'll go now. Real sorry."?

Hahahahha Tom what?>

gellaho

Linda never understood Duke's love for the Weasel

FancyShark

Pauly Shore was at his peak when this published

1000 Space GDCs

I want to think that the kick boxing league wouldn't recognize a victory by a guy being puppeteered by a robot via seizures.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Women never understand the love a beef lord shares with his weaselly manager. How could she, when she has never struck her opponent with a steel folding chair given at just the right moment?

gellaho

The career path from Kickboxing manager to reporter must have been something

FancyShark

It at least explains why she's a terrible reporter

1000 Space GDCs

What is feed bag a euphemism for, in this context? I'm so confused.

gellaho

Weasel has been scorned

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Linda you said my Bangers and Mash were shit and I should feel bad, Johnny at least supports my dreams."

FancyShark

Weisel struggled to say "shirt"

Brendan

Using someone up for profit, I reckon.

gellaho

The suit is being repurposed for... Something

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also how dare Linda imply that people are not proud of Duke and his restaurant? Lord Wellingtons Beef Trapeze is a quality establishment for the whole family!

LyraV

You shouted it Tom, we all heard it.

gellaho

Sandra has no time for this impossible science

FancyShark

Tom gets the cleaver

gellaho

Disks are magical

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Because I'm going to build a big fuck off Tesla coil and fry DeVille like a side of bacon. Raccoons will eat his shriveled eyes and crows will flock from miles around to peck at his brain."

gellaho

Good thing a heartbeat never changes for any reason

gellaho

Wait

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Shit kid, you are too intense for The Duke. I'm out of here."

LyraV

Especially when spun on sticks.

FancyShark

Heyyy! We're back at the preview from the other book!

LyraV

haha I love the name change Shark that's so dope

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Well I have this pigs heart, and im going to run a current thru it, and if I get the incantations right, sympathetic principals will cause it to beat when we get close to Tina."

gellaho

And the award for most awkward way to say "record" goes to

FancyShark

lol, thanks!

1000 Space GDCs

They're called mp3s, tom. We know

FancyShark

Tom really can make anything sound nerdy as shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Of course theres no way anything in like a twenty mile radius will make noise and fuck this up for me."

"No possibility that, say, some raccoons fucking in a dumpster will lead us in a wrong direction."

LyraV

He then used a cylindrical implement to scratch lines onto paper, reducing them into words.

gellaho

Such a great thing that heartbeats are always constant and never slow or speed up for any reason

gellaho

FancyShark

Tom's making those bullshit hearing aids from the old infomercial

"You can't shut off a heartbeat," he says as someone flatlines.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom.........You stupid asshole. If you had to canvass the whole fucking town you might as well not have bothered! COPS COULD DO THIS.

I mean they WOULDNT.

FancyShark

The cops would probably just go to Danny's house.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

But they COULD

gellaho

Tom's thinking music is the same as mine

Brendan

Please do not give the cops biometric hunter tech, Tom.

Invent a cyborg cop, then we'll talk.

1000 Space GDCs

I'll give tom credit for building a better self driving car than Elon musk.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And Danny is like a six foot tall man with big speedball panther energy, SOMEONE saw where he went.

FancyShark

Scanning speed limits but not for obstacles

oh wait, damn

missed that line

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait tho if your car decelerates too fast it will certainly injure the occupants and you still have time needed to slow down........

FancyShark

Danny is Cletus Kassidy without the symbiote

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom is this another " didnt really consider that I might want to not program the robot for murder" situation?

gellaho

Good thing 3D doesn't have a distinctive look. Someone might have recognized him

FancyShark

Don't worry. This time he has an off switch in place. To shut off heartbeats.

It's a gun.

gellaho

Tom figures 3D is hiding in the construction near the park

FancyShark

"Oh my god, that's inside the room!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah because when I kidnap teen girls I head to a busy construction site first.

Erm.

Wait.

gellaho

This may be the dumbest method of identification I've ever seen

LyraV

I was distracted trying to roll a blunt for the first time in like 5 years but I see things have slowly inched toward something happening.

gellaho

Rock-solid man with the strange haircut

1000 Space GDCs

Tom's inventions have series UX flaws.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah its foolproof, taking your kidnapping victim to a convention center.

gellaho

That was close

LyraV

Cruella really should have given her son a better nickname and her car.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shes just in a fucking HOLE?!

FancyShark

Danny is efficient

Brendan

Tina's doing some wicked skate tricks.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He'd better be clinging to a girder like Meth Spiderman or I'm gonna be real disappointed in Danny.

gellaho

Can't go limp and land on your feet, my friend

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom..........You fucking suck so much.

gellaho

Time for the two insane men to fight

FancyShark

Good thing he was attacked. He was about to invent an electric ladder

YES

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I hope Tina hooks up with your arch rival Tim Sudden.

gellaho

Linda's there, too sure

gellaho

Why the fuck not

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah now this is gonzo journalism.

FancyShark

DeVille thinks having a single disk on his face is enough to have superpowers. God, he rules

He's just going to get electro shock therapy as he fights

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Marla Diez is gonna have to keep working at the Taco Bell for a while longer.

gellaho

These two end up in embraces a lot

FancyShark

A jab shouldn't move the whole body

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean according to some people hugging is the highest form of martial arts.

gellaho

I have a hard time picturing this

LyraV

Javo showed me a video one time that confirms this.

FancyShark

Oh no! Not the ten-foot drop!

gellaho

"Eat shit, kids"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

PIT FIGHT PIT FIGHT!

"Hey kid, stop being such a pussy and enjoy the show!"

👽 Mo can get you Diseases

oh hell yeah I duck in and there's newsfighters watching pit fights?

FancyShark

Linda is so fired

FancyShark

THE DUKE VS DANGEROUS DANNY DEVILLE

👽 Mo can get you Diseases

I meant newscasters but I was so excited to type "pit fights"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Linda is gonzo as shit.

👽 Mo can get you Diseases

that now I mean newsfighters

gellaho

Seems like a plan that can't fail

gellaho

Brendan

I'm mostly curious how he turned midair.

FancyShark

And it snaps immediately

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Linda just ignores him, too busy doing color commentary

1000 Space GDCs

Someone is going to get mortal Kombat uppercutted into the pit full of kidnapping victims.

gellaho

Climb, hu-man fe-male

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

EW dont do that Tina, you'll end up a lampshade.

1000 Space GDCs

You stole that bit from star wars, you hack.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And fuck this writer for setting this up with like three sentences of dialogue earlier.

gellaho

3D'S GOT A FOREIGN OBJECT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

FUCK YEAH FLYING KICK INTERCEPT WITH TWO-BY-FOUR!

The classic maneuver!

gellaho

"Just let me get changed real quick"

FancyShark

OH MY! DANGEROUS DANNY HAS BLINDSIDED THE DUKE WITH AN ILLEGAL BOARD!

This is great karate

gellaho

It's been pretty well established that this magic shirt requires several cameras and computer banks to work, so let's see if the author remembers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man Duke has some serious ability to enshirten himself while getting his ass beaten with a board.

He's working on Skyrim rules.

1000 Space GDCs

Changing shirts is a free action.

gellaho

Tina tags in

FancyShark

Thank god the game pauses in the inventory menu

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah this hundred twenty pound teen girl just kicked an amphetamine rhino.

FancyShark

So...how did she get captured?

gellaho

3D attempts punching and kicking at the same time

FancyShark

He's flailing like the robot!

THIS IS WHAT TOM TRAINED AND FAILED FOR!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah Tom you fucking suck.

gellaho

Slapstick hijinks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You tried to make all this shit obsolete and all you did was make Rick have hurtthink and a new way to bake potatoes.

1000 Space GDCs

Tina is the only person in this story that isn't insufferable.

gellaho

And electrocuted. Because that's what the shirt is best at

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Danny......you fucking need to step this up because you are literally losing to a teen girl whos maybe a third of your weight and you have to have like a good foot of height on her.

gellaho

Leaving out information is a great storytelling device

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's a good thing he has that used car dealership to fall back on because he's just not cut out for kickboxing.

gellaho

3D gets arrested at the hospital. Which they could have easily done earlier in the story

1000 Space GDCs

At any point, If they had bothered to inform law enforcement.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean Tom and Rick could have just beaten him to death with rocks in the mountains and I dont think it would even have made the book shorter?

gellaho

But there are still somehow twenty pages left, so something happened to Rick

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Thats almost impressive to have a main story thread be that unimportant.

LyraV

Then the robot kills Tom and Rick and the circle is complete

FancyShark

Rick's heart stopped. Guess you were wrong, Tom

gellaho

This book has already had two endings, let's go for a third

1000 Space GDCs

Rick's nerve damage had finally caught up to him.

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Return of the King this sumbitch

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah he was saying something about "Not needing Tom to teach him how to work this dumb robut." and then he fucking got his head caved in by that goddam kung fu robot you built but never programmed not to murder."

"We need you to invent a special kind of mop to clean up."

gellaho

But nothing related to the mesh suit addiction that was foreshadowed

gellaho

That would make too much sense

Instead he just got jumped

FancyShark

Writer thinks we're back at the prologue

gellaho

I don't know why Weasel is still here

gellaho

Linda clearly replaced him

1000 Space GDCs

He is a literal child, weasel.

gellaho

They made out in the last chapter

In the children's book

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Children love stories of pit fights and how that makes reporters blood horny.

It's why everyone loves Bloodsport.

gellaho

I'm not sure Weasel is cartoonish enough

FancyShark

But no Ray Jackson

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Weasel sneered. "There's any number of round little men who sneer!", he sneered sneeringly."

FancyShark

"Then he gnawed on a chew toy"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Now it would be wild if Weasel then kidnaps Sandra and the book has another act left to go.

gellaho

Duke Wellington shown here completely forgetting about how he threatened to murder these kids several times. And attempted to kidnap them

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Libel is printed, Johnny.

FancyShark

"I could have killed him, Johnny"

1000 Space GDCs

Also what kind of league authorizes a match between a heavyweight champion and a minor?

gellaho

The only reason the fight was happening was because Rick wanted to. I don't know why Tom is disappointed now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Well actually Duke, I was afraid you would win and people would go "Hey its real fucked up how you beat that kid up."

gellaho

Or why the Weasel is still managing him

Why though

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

lol. lmao.

Juho

...the man is 6'8" and pure muscle. Who even is in his weight class?

1000 Space GDCs

But you didn't sign the contract, tom

FancyShark

Tom's going to fight the man he's controlling like a puppet. Tom is the hero.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Toms dad is gonna be so pissed at him.

1000 Space GDCs

Children, we are expected to believe.

Juho

That's an inch taller than the average height of an NBA player.

LyraV

Maybe then he'd remember his birthday.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hah no chance.

Hiram Regibald Swift remembers no birthdays!

gellaho

Seems like he should be using the suit, it's kind of the premise of the book

gellaho

"But I invented the suit?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey you know that thing that I invented for exactly this reason and the only possible good use case it has?"

"It be this."

Brendan

when you're an MMA fighter that kind of thing is just a disagreement.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tina........in Toms defense he HAS trained with your dad, what the fuck was he doing there if not the basics?

FancyShark

Calling a shot: Tina was asked by her dad to train Tom and this is all a setup to do that

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And you need more than a day or two for that kind of thing.

I think Tina just wants an excuse to put him in a leg lock.

gellaho

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY GENIUS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And maybe punch him erotically a little.

This is where Tom gouges out his own eyes so he can do baseball math better, yes?

gellaho

Heat guided kicks, sure

LyraV

He began speaking to the discs quietly and they began to answer.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I stole this chip from my dads factory. What? No of course that doesnt count as industrial espionage or embezzlement."

Heat seeking kicks is pretty sweet tho, it would be a great idea for some kind of man and machine hybrid.

Brendan

Tom is just extra-work robocop

gellaho

You know how people be magnetic

1000 Space GDCs

They're just called voltmeters.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I want Tom to shock his own brain and become a karate Mr. Hyde.

gellaho

The well-known murderous impulses powered by the human electromagnetic field

FancyShark

Unfortunately, Tom forgot to update the firmware and Rick's heart implodes

1000 Space GDCs

And why are you using an analog voltmeters? Are you using equipment from the underfunded university I went to?

gellaho

I didn't know you could misunderstand any and all science this much

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Fuck yeah all this electricity coursing thru my nervous system is absolutely not giving me a false sense of invincibility!"

gellaho

Just in all directions

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

this is sounding more and more like the origin story of a Spider-man villain.

1000 Space GDCs

Also, you don't use a voltmeter to measure current. That's an ammeter.

Brendan

It's a tough one tonight, but I'm comfortable calling this election for Sausage as MVP.

gellaho

Constantly shocking yourself will make you better at karate, and murderous

LyraV

Seconded!

gellaho

But it will also not effect your heart at all, which as we all know, beats at a unique and constant rate

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

There's not a good emoji for "flattered and humbled."

gellaho

Ah, the grandest stage of them all

Brendan

Tom listens to "Lose yourself" as he prepares to cheat.

gellaho

Lenny the Phantom would be proud

LyraV

Tom our hero, screaming for blood and using a cyber suit to cheat.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You're the best (electric shirt) around, nobody ever gonna keep you down, you're the best. (electric shirt) arouuund!"

FancyShark

At least he's acting like a proper rich brat

gellaho

A very easy and straightforward sentence

gellaho

That's four "of"s

FancyShark

This is Marvel Babies: Ironfist vs Iron Man

1000 Space GDCs

That's a very complicated way to say cheating

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The last time I heard someone talk about their "Ultra high tech cybersuit" it was someone explaining to me how a haptic feedback suit could be used for VR porn.

FancyShark

So you WERE paying attention

gellaho

Electricity does everything

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean I didnt say I wasnt interested.

1000 Space GDCs

Also why bother training if you're just going to surrender to your AI master?

Brendan

Tina thought him still a man. She could not know he was now...Upgrade, the Living Cyborguter!

FancyShark

Electromagnetic healing is the kind of bullshit that sells crystals

gellaho

"Forget about when I jumped you"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man all this book to explain why this nerd has a cool electric shirt that makes him do karate good.

Brendan

Duke murders kids, he doesn't batter them.

It's like eating meat but refusing foie gras

gellaho

If only there were some kind of clue, Tom

FancyShark

"Remember when we first met and I immediately tried to kill you? Good times."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And tbh I would have just accepted "He has a cool electric shirt that makes him do karate good, now watch him battle the Space Apes from Gularo Seven."

FancyShark

Tom Swift: He'll get there eventually

1000 Space GDCs

Tom is more machine now, than man.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Huh I wonder if this untested suit has some psychological side effects as it electrifies my thinkmeat?"

"Nah."

"Problems for Future Tom."

gellaho

The fight begins. Tom's brilliant computer targets the softest and most vulnerable body part: the kneecaps

FancyShark

oh hell, I just remembered. There are Hardy Boys/Tom Swift crossover books

gellaho

Why do you think we're reading this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tho admittedly if I had a superpowered karate suit I would go a little weird with it.

FancyShark

I know. I just forgot and oh god there's going to be so much blood

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gonna go thru a whole squad of Callies.

gellaho

Fuck off, Choso

LyraV

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Um.......I learned I am a genius and I kick ass?"

1000 Space GDCs

Tom learned to electrocute motherfuckers, Chozo.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I thought you were going to be more American from now on, Master Choso?"

"We dont do self introspection."

gellaho

Fuck off, Choso. Oh, he did

FancyShark

🥷

Brendan

...still waiting

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait what? Who....what?

Brendan

He Batmanned him!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Choso.........are you just making shit up to sound mysterious?

FancyShark

Choso just went to get an ice cream sandwich

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Are you doing a Confucious on this white kid?

gellaho

The second someone asks me about where's my art, I will throw them into a ravine

FancyShark

<writing down phrase to have Javo say>

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is the perfect first act to have in a kung fu movie, but Tom is the villain and then kills Choso, so Rick and Tina team up for revenge and Tom learns the real karate cybersuit was the human spirit. Shortly before he dies of Dick Exploding.

gellaho

Should probably feel some accomplishment for your magic karate suit

gellaho

Also, the entire reason for this fight was to test the karate suit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Tom has Git Gudded himself!

gellaho

SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lol. Lmao.

FancyShark

This is the ending of Mortal Kombat Annihilation where Jax tears off the bitchin' cyber arms to fight a minotaur

centaur

a taur dude

gellaho

At no point was this about Tom testing his skills

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

With only ass punches too!

gellaho

He wasn't even in the karate class anymore

FancyShark

Tom was literally trying to prove you didn't need to train to win at karate because of the suit

1000 Space GDCs

I feel like this is a revelation we've been mocking tom for not getting since like page 3.