75: 3 Cyborg Kickboxer Victor Appleton

gellaho

1000 Space GDCs

Tom waits for 2 minutes while Windows loads, and Rick gets tenderized

FancyShark

Well, it was insane but it was short. Thanks, @gellaho !

gellaho

Hmmm

FancyShark

oh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Then Tom realized something else. Rick had blown out all his tendons and shattered his feet and hands."

FancyShark

Rick's organs are only in place because of the shirt

gellaho

The damned media!

FancyShark

He's like a grocery bag full of loose stew

gellaho

Rick expects at least three head injuries per day

Agent of Fortune

Did anyone proofread these books

FancyShark

"Mr. Swift! How do you respond to allegations that your son strapped a boy into a metal exoskeleton and let him get punched into chum by an adult?"

"Ugh, damned media vultures"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No comment, I plead the fifth, fake news!"

gellaho

Because that's how electricity works

gellaho

FancyShark

Those are tumors, Tom

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Also your dick is bigger?"

"I dont think electricity even works that way."

LyraV

You're slowly turning into a robot but that's fine I've been trying to kill you this whole time.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh and when Duke punched you the rod in your urethra broke and is now slicing into your bladder. You need major surgery or you will die of piss poisoning."

FancyShark

"I think we need to refine the process. Let's get you in the uranium jockstrap."

gellaho

Just stalking some children, nothing out of the ordinary

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Linda Nueve, having replaced Maria Ocho, is gonna be damned if Marla Diez gets her fucking job.

gellaho

I can smell those kids

FancyShark

Linda turned down an interview with the Amir of Kuwait for this stakeout

1000 Space GDCs

That smell is Rick's charred organs

gellaho

Secret Agent Redhead

gellaho

3D!

FancyShark

hahaha

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh you mean that thing I made from random crap and sheet metal that electrocutes people? Sure."

FancyShark

"Or you'll crash the helicopter with you in it?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Soon my used car dealership will be a NEW CAR DEALERSHIP!"

1000 Space GDCs

3D has discovered he has a very specific fetish that only a fishnet shirt covered in electrodes can satisfy

gellaho

Electricity: performance and cowardice enhancer

FancyShark

Helicopters don't nosedive, Danny

Agent of Fortune

Wait his last name is Devil?

That's not very subtle even for these

1000 Space GDCs

3D pilots a helicopter about as well as I do in Battlefield.

gellaho

dangerous

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its EDF Heli rules up ins!

1000 Space GDCs

Who approved this flight plan?

FancyShark

Meanwhile, the other passengers are getting annoyed that no one is pointing out the sights

LyraV

I bet he's got a leather jacket and everything.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"He wont kill himself." is not the kind of thing you wanna be confident about when dealing with a man named Dangerous Danny and who is demanding your electric shirt.

gellaho

A plan only a genius could come up with

FancyShark

Joystick?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Quick, Rick. Use your karate.....skills...........FUCK."

"I knew there was a flaw in my plan to replace skill with electrocuting shirts!"

FancyShark

"Joystick" cannot possibly be the right term for the controls

gellaho

Rick laughing at that is how you know he's concussed

FancyShark

Now it's The Edge

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahah Tom. You joke but you realize now that you've made me an unstoppable karate machine, I can eat you, right?"

1000 Space GDCs

Maybe replace that sonic screwdriver with a lighter in your EDC, Tom.

gellaho

Tom once again attempts to understand hu-man emotions

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

UH ohhhhhhh, Rick is hooked on Karate Thunder.

FancyShark

Tom, refusing to take chances, buries Rick alive in the wilderness

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ronald Reagan sheds a single tear, for another young man is lost to karate drugs.

gellaho

3D out of nowhere

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And good, because fuck Reagan.

Jesus Danny, you're already a fucking Terminator.

FancyShark

oh hell yes, we're getting a Nately's Whore setup

gellaho

Some threats for the kids

gellaho

FancyShark

I like DeVille's style

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah negotiate with that, Tom.

You wont be so smart when Danny is wearing your face and coyotes are gnawing your shanks in a shallow grave.

FancyShark

And again, he's absolutely my Saints Row character

gellaho

Found Rick's off switch

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Danny..........you know fucking Dim Mak?

What the fuck man.

gellaho

3D is feral

FancyShark

Move over, Rick Moran. There's a new contender to the throne

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Maybe use some of that shit on Duke Wellington?

Man this book should have been Duke and Danny's rivalry, not this little weiner and his best friend fucking around with an electric pervert shirt.

gellaho

Seems legit

FancyShark

"I control the planet! I know the death touch! I! AM! DANNY! DEVILLE!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I'm Death Touch Danny, and I want to get YOU behind the wheel of a gently used Honda Accord, TODAY!"

LyraV

It seems like 3D there could have just kidnapped Wellington in the helicopter and saved himself some time?

gellaho

3D is fucking crazy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I think Danny wants to beat him in an honorable public fight where Danny cheats?

FancyShark

Do the unexpected. Urinate on a squirrel and use Rick's broken arm as a flail.

Goddamn, this guy rules

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jesus Danny is like a fucking jaguar that huffed hallucinogenic spores.

LyraV

He could hang out with Trevor from GTA

gellaho

Probably could have chosen better words

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

CRUSH! THAT! LAD!

Fuck yeah!

LyraV

He's like an old-timey gangster and I love it.

FancyShark

I really want to play Saints Row after this

gellaho

Are you having fun kids?

gellaho

FancyShark

That's only going to make him horny

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahaha Dancing Danny's days of doing the charleston are over.

Thon it would be fuckin sweet if that boulder broke instead.

FancyShark

This is how PvP works in Dark Souls, except I don't dodge in time

gellaho

I hate both of you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Come Tomas, let us use the bones of the vanquished for firewood."

gellaho

CYBORG KICKBOXER has become My Side of the Mountain

FancyShark

Twenty feet away, a camping family stares in horror

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom and Rick share a tin of baked beans and stare into each others eyes and for a moment, it becomes Brokeback Mountain.

gellaho

That's how sound works

FancyShark

I was joking when I said it was becoming The Edge! Joking!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck. You. Tom.

FancyShark

"Infrasonic pen"?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck you.

gellaho

3D with all the wild mood swings

FancyShark

Appleton wrote this while channel surfing, didn't he?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You can use a sonic screwdriver\magic wand to start fires but not invent a cellphone?

Or even remember that helicopters have radios?

FancyShark

I guess the evil was in DeVille's knee

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh god Tom remembers but wanted to just make Rick walk back anyway.

gellaho

"Don't ask me how. What do I look like, an author?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man knows when to be gracious in defeat.

FancyShark

"Oh right, rich people get looked for"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Somehow the helicopter knew they were there, despite standing in no cover and stealthily waving their arms!"

gellaho

Things don't have to make sense

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean.......No actually you'd probably be fired and jailed.

Like that isnt the threat you think it is, Linda.

FancyShark

Lady, you have a story about a lunatic karate fighter kidnapping and attempting to murder a billionaire's son

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Toms dad is "My son can electrify his best friend whenever. " rich.

gellaho

Everyone is fucking crazy

LyraV

Right? That's the way bigger story and she is not interested.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm pretty sure he can swing covering for a leak or two.

FancyShark

Okay, Linda went up a couple notches just by intimidating DeVille

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Danny would ordinarily threaten to wear her face but he's having a bad day.

FancyShark

His heart's not in it

gellaho

she's hiding her crush well

gellaho

FancyShark

Danny threatens to crash the helicopter if they don't give her an interview

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Not big enough that a kid inventing an electric shirt that makes you kick ass doesnt completely overshadow the sport tho, huh Linda?

LyraV

It sounds like she's describing Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

gellaho

Lenny the Phantom

FancyShark

Tommy Chi, of Tommy Chi's Chai Emporium and Waffles

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lenny the Phantom of Lennys Wontons and Phantom Fist Dojo.

LyraV

Striker Hayes of Golf Clubs International

gellaho

This is all happening extraordinarily fast

FancyShark

Roger Salick of Pep Boys on I-83

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also runs Rogers Bagels and Boxing Equipment.

FancyShark

They also sell clocks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah how else do boxers know how long the rounds are?

FancyShark

I hope Central Hills is the new kickboxing capital solely because so many people want to kick the shit out of Tom

gellaho

Suicide by Duke

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Twenty years later Tom is a car salesman and Rick is an embittered dingus.

FancyShark

Tazing his arm, trying to remember his glory days

1000 Space GDCs

Tom begins building an electric trepanner to change Rick's mind.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Tom paused and considered that brains run on electricity and he has a knife setting on his sonic screwdriver."

gellaho

The plot once again refuses to move forward

gellaho

IT'S SO SUBTLE

FancyShark

This book needs a new transmission

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Lord Wellingtons Beef Trapeze is running a special on Beef Wellington and all you can eat Toad in the Hole and LINDA NUEVE and the LIBERAL ELITE dont want you to know about it!"

FancyShark

"GET A LIMITED TIME DEEP STATE DISH PIZZA AND- NO! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Andy i told you, nobody in America even knows what Beef Wellington IS, you crazy fucker."

gellaho

This author has really gotten Kickboxing confused with pro wrestling

FancyShark

And yet, not even a sign of Ray Jackson

gellaho

THAT'S DANGEROUS DANNY'S MUSIC!

FancyShark

If Danny is what Darkwing Duck was always talking about, that show whipped more ass than I thought

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Which is impressive because we all knew Darkwing Duck whipped considerable ass.

gellaho

I WANT YOUR MOUTH AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE TO MINE, BROTHER

FancyShark

KISS

DO IT

gellaho

THAT'S RICK'S MUSIC

FancyShark

The Duke is the only motherfucker crazy enough to talk that way to DeVille

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Until your legs, i mean, belt is around my waist and I am deep inside you......."

1000 Space GDCs

I take it these kickboxing matches don't have like, fight doctors or insurance or anything.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The CTE is catching up to Rick real fast.

FancyShark

Drop goes the Weisel...'s jaw

gellaho

DUKE WELLINGTON SHOWS NO MERCY

FancyShark

Duke, what the hell are you talking about?

gellaho

SIGN FOR CHARITY, IF YOU'VE GOT THE GUTS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh no Duke, sorry, that was a fart, I had one of Master Chosos Chorizo and Devil Pepper Burritos for lunch."

1000 Space GDCs

Oh, it's fine if a heavyweight champion beats up a kid if it's for charity.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Soon it will be time for pounding." the grown man said to the teen boy.

gellaho

Linda is only interested in the least interesting story

FancyShark

"THE TIME FOR POUNDING HAS BEGUN". I'm saving that for my next date.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Linda is gonna lose her job to Marla for sure.

FancyShark

Habitat for Oh The Humanity

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Her journalistic sense is awful.

gellaho

3D decides to get revenge on Duke by kidnapping someone else's daughter

gellaho

Because he's fucking crazy

LyraV

Linda is a terrible reporter.

FancyShark

3D commits to the kayfabe

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah and Master Choso is going to get queso and kung fu based revenge, right? Instead of sending two dipshit teens to do it, right?!

1000 Space GDCs

Or just call the cops on the guy that just confessed to a crime

gellaho

New frontrunner for most ridiculous name

FancyShark

If Choso doesn't get into a full ninja fight with 3D, this author is a failure that cannot be redeemed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All Danny means is that Tina will be given a job on Dannys road crew and will never have time to go home.

FancyShark

Of the Central Hills Montagues

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Robin Montague, once dated a girl named Jerry Capulet, but it didnt work out.

FancyShark

Yeah. Drive-by

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Actually they were just not compatible and broke up, it was relatively drama free.

Real boring story.

FancyShark

oh, well, win some, lose some

gellaho

Robin tells Tom about the many, many crimes they could have arrested 3D for if Tom had bothered to call the police

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Other fish in the sea." Robin said.

FancyShark

Tom: Doesn't understand how laws work

LyraV

John Leguizamo definitely wasn't there.

1000 Space GDCs

Tom just needs to invent an electric telephone before he can call the police.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What could we have possibly charged the man with, he only threatened to cut my face off, is that a crime?"

FancyShark

"He only assaulted me and my friend"

Rick's arm is fully gangrenous by now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What is this, Soviet Russia? Where a man cant abduct two teen boys under false pretenses, crash a helicopter and have a martial arts fight to the death like a methed out puma in the mountains?"

"No, Sir. Tom Swift will not be calling the police today."

gellaho

They start going through Choso's tape collection

FancyShark

Necessary brutality is things like when the ref screams "Finish Him!"

Brendan

My move is DONE.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It sounds like Danny is just really angling for that kumite invite.

Brendan

My TWO-WEEK MOVE is OVER

catch me up

gellaho

She was just too rad at kicking

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Let the THREE WEEK MOVES BEGIN!

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"She was so lonely, so I brought her to a place where she didnt know anyone and was full of dangerous kickpredators and sociopathic white boy inventors."

FancyShark

Welcome, @Brendan ! Tom Swift is a rich asshole who made an electronic shirt to help his friend Rick karate fight. It doesn't work. Dangerous Danny DeVille is a redheaded lunatic who kicks all the ass and kidnapped Rick's sensei's daughter to challenge Duke Wellington, an Aryan murder machine

gellaho

SUPRISE DUKE

FancyShark

And Linda Nueve is a terrible reporter that wants a good story and is ignoring all the good stories

Brendan

Danny sounds awesome, is he this book's hero?

FancyShark

He's OUR hero

He's like Rick Moran, but without a gun

1000 Space GDCs

Duke executes a perfect Vulcan nerve pinch.

Brendan

I LOVE Rex Moranis!

LyraV

He friggin should be.

gellaho

He did just kidnap a child, so I'm not signing off on that

Brendan

INFO: Was the child evil?

FancyShark

He kidnapped Tom, too, and that worked out fine

LyraV

Oh wait... yeah good point, this book has me all backwards.

Brendan

Like if you got sent through time to kill baby Hitler, you could just kidnap and raise him to punch out racist skinheads on the oi scene

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom is definitely evil. Rick is just brain damaged from all the punches and electricity.

Brendan

Duke Wellington

FancyShark

Danny is not a good person, but he is awesome

gellaho

Tom once again thought not to bother the police with this

FancyShark

Also, Tom has a Legally Distinct Sonic Screwdriver

Brendan

Easily the least-best Wellington and the least jazzy Duke. And that's saying something, because Duke basketball is the Rich Asshole Country Club of the NCAA.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Danny is like if Macho Man Randy Savage was real and did a lot of meth.

More meth?

FancyShark

Red hair and meth, yeah

1000 Space GDCs

This author also thinks kickboxing works on pro wrestling rules.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Duke is just pissed Linda didnt help him shill his Spotted Dick two for one sale.

gellaho

A second van!? How is such a thing possible!?

gellaho

TURBO MODE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Kid, do you think I give a single fuck about news vans? I've literally lost a fight to an electric teen, and then kidnapped another one for his secrets."

gellaho

Very realistic

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Turbo van tho!

FancyShark

Light speed!

Brendan

I will say this. The prose is on point.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah 227 in a residential zone!

FancyShark

They hit a raccoon and it turned to vapor

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They liquidated a nun and six orphans and didnt even notice at that speed.

1000 Space GDCs

Tom is Death Proofing these guys.

Brendan

Well...they told themselves it must have been a raccoon.

gellaho

The whiplash killed them instantly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Toms got a sweet van.

LyraV

Tom is like...scarily intense.

FancyShark

The inside of the van is like a jar of marinara

gellaho

That's what airbags do, sure

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom is the kind of kid who straps his best friend into a suit that shocks the mortal piss out of him, and claims it was an accident.

LyraV

I think it's meant to make him seem heroic but really I just end up feeling like he'd steal your brain if he thought there was something cool about it.

gellaho

Exactly how airbags work

Brendan

...he dove out of the car at 227mph?

FancyShark

Yeah. He's one wrong move from becoming Hannibal Lecter or a Batman villain

FancyShark

Mostly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"you should never get in a strangers van." Tom said as he revved the chainsaw.

gellaho

Even Faster. But the computer was driving

LyraV

He strapped his buddy into an electrified fishnet shirt earlier with zero instructions and it literally stopped his heart.

FancyShark

All because the karate instructor didn't like him

gellaho

Tom is definitely going to murder these two

Brendan

Definitely creeping into villainy.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom wants Master Choso to pass on the secrets of his Five Point Bean and Chorizo dip.