A rash of crimes erupt when Nancy investigates a new beauty cream
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gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 76: The Nancy Drew Files #41: Something to Hide
It's Halloween for Nancy and friends. The haunts are afoot and children cower in fear. Nancy has travelled back in time? Although, maybe not. The back seems to be mostly about make-up for some reason. Bess has been Clearly hospitalized. Or hospitalized by Clearly, whatever. In any case, don't get rubbed out and join us this Friday, 5pm Eastern for a (possibly) Halloween-themed Nancy Drew adventure.
gellaho
FancyShark
The big reveal is that the cream is toxic waste. Explicitly labeled as such.
godless juice jakesy
And Nancy is going to use it to rub one out?
1000 Space GDCs
What kind of costume is that? 1920s vaudevillian?
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's The Nancy Drew Files Case #41: Something to Hide. Here is what you get for the preview
gellaho
The spooky cover continues to be a mystery
FancyShark
Ned remains the luckiest plank of wood
1000 Space GDCs
Isn't this the plot of the '89 Batman movie?
FancyShark
I'll be a bit late. Work stuff. Looking forward to this though!
gellaho
Time to begin the process
gellaho
Tell them to suck it
LyraV
Death haunts the Gondolier
gellaho
The Nancy Drew titles are quite violent
Badgerman
The stubborn optimism of "Never Say Die" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in the midst of the rest of these calamities
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wings of Fear could be a sweet name for a Sabaton song.
Ramb$ne Gracie
Tagging myself: sisters in crime
Ozzie
Stay Tuned for Danger
Juho
27, Most Likely To Die.
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy Drew titles look like an awesome lineup at a heavy metal festival
Badgerman
Rich and Dangerous but it's mostly aspirational
gellaho
Judgement call: Nancy doesn't count for the Redhead Check
Juho
Reddish. Weak.
gellaho
Bess has that illness that sets your nose on fire
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess you were told you needed to wear a mask and practice social distancing but NOOOOOOO, and now look what happened.
Badgerman
"Sick person refusing to isolate from their friends to prevent spreading respiratory illness" aged extremely poorly
Juho
This reads a lot different post-COVID.
gellaho
Bess, ignoring the various fluids leaking from her face, is very worried about a pimple
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, not your cold, Bess. I mean you are ugly, do your parents let you out of the attic like this?"
Juho
How about you wear a mask like a responsible adult.
Badgerman
"What are you talking about?" George asked, naively avoiding the subject of Covid
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And yeah cute college boys love it when girls with runny noses drip on them.
LyraV
I'm already exhausted with Bess.
Juho
I guarantee she would not be boosted if she was a person alive today.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess you dippy cow, you have to cover the pimples WITH the makeup, what do you think its for?!
gellaho
You can recognize Ned by his many characteristics. Such as: tall
gellaho
And kissing via emitted light
LyraV
She swallows most of it by accident.
Ozzie
Those Nickerson boys are like cornstalks, I tells ya.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He kissed Nancy, tallishly.
Ozzie
I hope Nancy keeps her maiden name if they get married.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's so tall Nancy brings a step stool to the sock hop.
Badgerman
Ned should kiss Bess, get some UV rays in there to kill the virus
gellaho
Their contact at the makeup company Marcia, meanwhile, is described like a piece of modern art
1000 Space GDCs
Justin the loud talker
Badgerman
Justin Dodd? Well get outta there already, nyuk nyuk nyuk
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Angular" is a way my grandma would have said "knife faced" when she was being polite.
LyraV
I was just thinking she must be a comic book character or one of those ladies from 80's hair salon art.
gellaho
Justin is the resident nerd
gellaho
gellaho
I also hate Justin
Badgerman
"And a snub nose?" Aw fuck, he's a nerd with a gun
Prime suspect material
1000 Space GDCs
Justin doesn't clue into why everyone winces whenever someone he opens his mouth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuckin.........Man in like 20 years Justin is going to be just impossible, I hope he's killed.
gellaho
Justin just being surrounded by tall, vibrant-eyed sculptures
Ozzie
Brad is now played by 2011 Chris Hemsworth in my head.
gellaho
☑️ Redhead. Well, it ended up only taking six pages. Thanks, anonymous!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Someone should tell authors that heart shaped faces are a little weird.
Badgerman
Always a great sign when you have to fill out a medical history form to purchase a cosmetic lotion
1000 Space GDCs
Whenever I hear that phrase I picture a barn owl.
1000 Space GDCs
A heart shaped face.
gellaho
High school must be hard for Lady George
Ozzie
George smokes during 4th period, narc.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What.......exactly IS marketing?" fast paced 40s film music ensues
gellaho
Why aren't you currently occupying a locker, Justin?
1000 Space GDCs
George's full name is George Exposition Fayne.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Justin is too fat to stuff into a locker, clearly.
Ozzie
Chewed his way out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The jocks just stick to making fun of his cherubic curls.
LyraV
The scientists call them lab rats but we call them possible victims.
gellaho
Marcia is willing to kill for this makeup giveaway
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Heather already wants to murder him and I support her.
gellaho
Heather is on the rebound after she was dumped by some drying paint
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy is a little dim for a teen detective, huh?
Why do you THINK the hot girl is flirting with your tall boyfriend?
Badgerman
"Doesn't this girl we've never met before know I called dibs??"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Heather gonna climb Ned like a tree and Nancy will think "Huh, thats an odd workout routine."
gellaho
Brad is very into how Bess's gravely voice and runny nose
Brendan
Just passing through in between a run and a trip to Comic Con Country. What's the premise?
Badgerman
Joker's cosmetic poisoning plot from Batman 89 but it's teen detectives
Ozzie
Market research for cosmetics; viral spreading
Badgerman
Oh my god is the twist going to be that there's no foul play and dumbass Beth contaminated the supply with her runny Covid nose?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brad leaning close "You have some snot on your collar."
1000 Space GDCs
Brad just mainlining Bess's influenza
gellaho
Justin is very subtle about the whole thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"NOOOOOOOO THAT ONES FOR THE CAMERA! ITS ARSENIC AND BIRD SHIT!"
1000 Space GDCs
Justin is not being a good brand ambassador.
Badgerman
Justin does strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't think twice about hitting a woman for touching his stuff
It's going to take All of Nancys skills to sort this one out.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The rest of this book better be his trial and execution for peddling poisonous cream.
Badgerman
Classic abuser justification after the fact
gellaho
These college kids are very invested in this potential corporate espionage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn tho that would be fun, if it turned into The Jungle but for face cream.
gellaho
Justin just running through makeup companies
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Clearly is a good product!" says the obvious terrible liar.
gellaho
WE WILL KILL FOR SKIN CREAM
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh god they bought it.
LyraV
Everyone kept nodding until their heads fell off.
gellaho
Lotta synchronization in this group
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Their heads all swiveled in eerie unison.
1000 Space GDCs
He got fired for telling customers the products were poison
gellaho
Ah, a dumb nerd
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Justin.
Badgerman
This Dennis Nedry ass motherfucker
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You could have made meth.
Ozzie
Not smart enough for science? Try business.
1000 Space GDCs
'wasn't a very good chemist' is code for 'burned down the lab'
Ozzie
Or "stole chloroform"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its disgusting when a person chooses to not make the world a better place and goes into marketing instead of making bathtub gin for underprivileged children.
gellaho
A questionnaire competition is surely the best way to hire someone
FancyShark
Marketing programs? Jesus, I've missed a thrill ride
What did I miss?
Also, hello everyone!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well we fuckin know what Marcia's buy in is. Shes That Kid, who is gunning for a job and a three figure salary before she buys her first beer.
Ozzie
A lot of character intros in a row, some of Nancy's friends and some of Nancy's boyfriend's fellow college students.
Agent of Fortune
Okay what did I miss
gellaho
I'm sure the reports about handing out questionnaires will have more bearing than your grades
FancyShark
Marcia has so many starving children locked in her closet. She only lets them out for testimonials
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy doesnt understand why the pretty girl is flirting with Nancy's boyfriend.
LyraV
Heather is thirsty for Ned and Nancy can't
oh scooped
Ozzie
Ned Nickerson is the YA Don Draper.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Except boring.
FancyShark
Ned Nickerson is so whitebread, he doesn't have dandruff. Just flour
Ozzie
@FancyShark Ned's two primary traits are that he is tall.
Badgerman
He's tall and he's a close talker
Ozzie
Once you get the stepladder.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also he emits light from his eyes?
Badgerman
Very loomy. Like a Superfriend
gellaho
Justin's character traits seem to be all of them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And if Horimiya is to be believed that is the mark of an honor student.
Badgerman
Brown?!?!?!?
FancyShark
IIRC, someone found a picture of Ned and it gives me hope because he looks like me in high school
Badgerman
Brown???????
Agent of Fortune
Has Joe narrowly avoided certain death yet
LyraV
monstrous
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah what kind of dork uses brown ink in a gold pen?
FancyShark
gellaho
Based on this, I'm guessing Nancy uses Ned for warmth because she's secretly cold-blooded
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Everyone knows you use the gold pen and the ink is dried blood and only LOOKS brown.
Thats how you sign the Pact.
And ONLY the Pact.
Fuckin Justin.
Badgerman
"Sudden" sunshine?
FancyShark
Ned filled the pen with tootsie rolls and forgot
Badgerman
What, did she get flashbanged?
gellaho
Looking great for Bess
FancyShark
THE NEXT DAY:
"Bess will be remembered for her wonderful personality"
Ozzie
The face cream and her illness are mutating her into a shoggoth.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Bess you have some blood in your teeth."
Badgerman
Receive the wages of your sin, anti-masker
Badgerman
"Died suddenly" obituary incoming
1000 Space GDCs
"I'm fine" she said, as blood started coming out of her eyes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Is that a piece of your lung on the sidewalk?"
gellaho
Some acidity will help that sore throat immensely. Also: be sure to carefully take everyone's order first
Badgerman
Brad being genuinely concerned that this is the last time he'll see Bess alive
1000 Space GDCs
In her fever-induced hallucination, Bess no longer recognizes Brad
LyraV
Not water? WTF Brad
FancyShark
I read "Florida Flesh"
gellaho
This lemonade really helps my nerve damage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Of course I'll be okay......Bread. You sure are talky for a loaf of French."
1000 Space GDCs
Bess notices Brad smells like burnt toast.
FancyShark
"My hand feels funny"
Looks at hand, which is now a clown
gellaho
Who could have foreseen this!?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh my!" she said, as wiry black hairs start to sprout from her knuckles.
Badgerman
Oh fuck, this just turned into My Hairiest Adventure
FancyShark
"Dammit, Bess. I'm finishing my lunch first."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha you died and the last thing you said was "I feel funny."
gellaho
No, Nancy, it's pronounced "hospital"
Ozzie
Brad gets everyone's favorite toppings on pizza and then calls 911.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You didnt even get railed by Brad.
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy immediately shifts into body-hiding mode.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which, again, was never going to happen with that runny nose in the first place.
Badgerman
Go to the hospital? On Bess's insurance? Are you mad!?
FancyShark
Later, the doctors would remark that Bess could have been saved if she hadn't been moved around so much
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess is going directly into the trunk and then they'll have a leisurely picnic near a swamp or a hog farm.
gellaho
I bet the young girls in 1989 loved this extended description of Bess's pain
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man Brad is really going the distance for a girl he hardly knows and is drippy in a bad way.
FancyShark
"Says here the problem is you're Bess! HAHAHA! We have fun. Also, you have leprosy."
Badgerman
I guess this is why Nancy is a teen detective and not a teen first responder
gellaho
Just a group of sociopathic college girls
gellaho
"Oh, that high schooler is dying, but I want to fuck that boring guy"
Badgerman
Who is this noir detective femme fatale and what is she doing hanging out with these high school dorks
FancyShark
"Tcha! Bess would die when I'm trying to flirt with Brad."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Heather needs to just run a flag up that says "I AM JUICY FOR NED!" and be done with it.
FancyShark
Ned would need it explained at that point
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He comes across as such a dingus he probably hasnt noticed.
gellaho
This probably reads more comedic than they intended
Ozzie
It's all biological, he can reach the tallest bananas and will make strong offspring.
FancyShark
Weekend at Bess's!
Badgerman
Holy shit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So when do they take her to the pet sematary?
Badgerman
I have no words
LyraV
Let's stand around and discuss social dynamics some more while our friend loses precious moments of life.
Badgerman
It's such a perfect comedy bit
gellaho
Brad's a cartoon character
Badgerman
"Gawrsh", said Brad
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I mean her heart has stopped like three times and I think her throat has swelled shut. But yeah, its probably The Feminine Complaint."
"The what, doctor?!"
"Oh you know........wandering uterus."
"Happens all the time."
gellaho
That blush must have turned Bess purple considering how red her face was
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess aint calling nobody.
She gon diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee.
FancyShark
"Doctor, do you want us to wring out the floormats into a bucket? She lost a lot of blood on the way here."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess, honey, this dipshit you just met is sitting in your HOSPITAL room. You can imagine he's down for a date or something, chill.
gellaho
This is also probably more erotic than the ghostwriter intended
Badgerman
Nancy discovers a polycule long before she could ever grasp the vocabulary to explain it
Ramb$ne Gracie
Juicy for Ned is such a strong name
FancyShark
Oh hell yes. I forgot Nancy gets off on clues
1000 Space GDCs
They're fucking, nancy.
Agent of Fortune
Nancy is a great detective guys
gellaho
OK, add Nancy to the list of female sociopaths
FancyShark
"Have I called the hospital? That's rich."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wow Brad is kind of a good dude? How did he fall in with a bunch of sociopaths like Nancy and the gang.
FancyShark
Nancy is good at putting up a front
Badgerman
Peer pressure, I'd imagine
gellaho
Heather's tug
FancyShark
toot toot!
gellaho
Well, he's in college and Bess is in high school. So not that good
LyraV
Ned should maybe establish some healthier boundaries.
Agent of Fortune
Depends on your perspective
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned is like six minutes away from seeing Heathers butthole and seven minutes away from being stabbed to death by Nancy.
Badgerman
"Flow" is a real load bearing word there
Ozzie
"Cute college boys" was Bess's explicit goal from the moment she got in the car with them.
gellaho
Glad we're still spelling this out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy stop being such a picky eater and eat the vile dead fish pizza.
gellaho
She's looking for the Yellow Pages in the phone book?
Badgerman
Bwuh
Huhhhh????
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah cos the Yellow Pages are a separate section.
Agent of Fortune
The yellow pages are the yellow ones, Girl Detective
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
As opposed to like residential listings.
LyraV
She opened her Dictionary looking for the Thesaurus
1000 Space GDCs
What was it with pizzas and anchovies in the 80s? Everyone felt the need to say they didn't want any on their pizza.
Badgerman
Reverse psychology psyop by Big Anchovy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Right? Like when was anchovies such a popular topping that people had to express that they didnt want it?
Ozzie
I think pineapple occupies that space in culture now.
Badgerman
(It did not work)
gellaho
Only took thirty pages, but at least we got to Halloween
Brendan
What's up with pineapple now? you're all cowards.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pineapple is good tho.
Agent of Fortune
I too am coming in the shark from Jaws
Brendan
So are anchovies
Agent of Fortune
Wait I misread that
Badgerman
Oh good, he identifies with the predator animal.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Um I'm coming as a guy who may have just watched a teen girl die today, JUSTIN."
Ozzie
Hopefully he's also like the shark in that we barely see him again for most of this.
FancyShark
Justin, you better not be appropriating my people's culture
gellaho
@FancyShark might have some issues with that characterization
Brendan
The shark in JAWS was a metaphor for alcoholism in a small northeastern coastal town. I think we're infringing on Hardy territory.
Although in the book it's more of a disintegrating marriage thing.
Badgerman
Shows up in LL Cool J's hat
Agent of Fortune
The movie is better
FancyShark
I don't see an issue with that
Badgerman
Oh I meant in the bad way, @FancyShark is the good way
Agent of Fortune
Fancy Shark is the BEST way
FancyShark
:sharkhug:
gellaho
This is a great party
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The Maneater devs wont answer my letters petitioning for a top hat and monocle.
Agent of Fortune
ZING
FancyShark
SAME!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Marcia really sucks.
Agent of Fortune
High schoolers are brutal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont have a joke about that, fuck her.
FancyShark
The best parties feel like a suicide pact
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Slap that girl, Brad.
gellaho
Nancy knows that showing emotion is a sign of weakness to Georges
Agent of Fortune
😱
FancyShark
GASP!
Ozzie
Nancy activates Detective Mode
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
OH DO YOU THINK, NANCY?!
FancyShark
WHAT COULD IT HAVE BEEN, BOOK THAT MENTIONED POISONED FACE CREAM ON THE BACK COVER?!
Badgerman
She just ate a handful of silica packets before the book started, everybody calm down
Agent of Fortune
wait poisoned FACE CREAM?
Badgerman
It's a known quantity
gellaho
Nancy is a great detective
Agent of Fortune
That's dumb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Do you think maybe the fact that Justin was freaking out was maybe suspicious in retrospect?!
LyraV
Damn it Nancy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy you KNOW Bess doesnt eat food.
FancyShark
We're going to go through every possible form of poisoning before Nancy figures it out, aren't we?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It must be from her job at the cadmium centrifuge!"
gellaho
Apparently the blood test came back with just "poison"
gellaho
Because that's how that works
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Or her other job painting radium onto old timey watch dials!"
FancyShark
"But Bess doesn't even like eating poison!"
Badgerman
"It was some kind of chemical"
So we've narrowed it down to, oh, fucking everything
1000 Space GDCs
well, a chemical. that narrows it down
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It must have been that shady Floridian lemonade!"
1000 Space GDCs
damn
FancyShark
The diagnosis chart is a skull and crossbones
Agent of Fortune
BESS ATE ANCHOVIES
Case solved
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes turning into a pelican now!
gellaho
This needs quotes or italics or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
By weeks end she'll be swallowing pigeons.
Agent of Fortune
Are you a pelican or a pelican't
FancyShark
"She was poisoned by pigeons!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy........its OBVIOUSLY Justin and maybe Brad.
You silly moo.
Agent of Fortune
Nancy's instincts rival Joe and Frank's
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just go and kill both of them and toss in Marcia for being a catty bitch.
Your old timey car deffo has the trunk space for three bodies.
FancyShark
It's why Frank has an actual crush on her. They're two robots wearing flesh
gellaho
Everything is warm
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God he calls his girlfriend "Nan" like shes his grandmother.
Agent of Fortune
Cover her what
Badgerman
I'm glad no attempt was made to identify the "he" speaking here. Very natural human interaction
FancyShark
Ned panics when he doesn't at least have something that smells like Nancy
Badgerman
Have to leave some clothes out with her scent on it so he can find his way home like a lost cat
gellaho
I'm sure they didn't sell anymore lemonade, Nancy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You......stupid..........the LEMONADE and not the FACE CREAM?!
FancyShark
There are bodies all over the sidewalk. Nancy thinks it might be a clue.
Agent of Fortune
Why would they keep any
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For the employees to drink.
Suicide pact.
Badgerman
Poison is expensive, Nancy, they're not just gonna sell it to every Johnny on the street
Agent of Fortune
Do they sort shitty lemonade by brewing date
FancyShark
Charge extra. With the right marketing, people buy anything
gellaho
Was it?
It was.
Agent of Fortune
Depends on the poison , drain cleaner is relatively cheap
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Marica calling her boyfriend to gloat about how catty she was today.
Screaming about blackmail in a public space like a true master criminal
FancyShark
What's weird is Marcia's talking to her grandma about the lovely sweater she made
gellaho
Marcia is very good at hiding things
gellaho
Almost like she has
FancyShark
Marcia's hand slowly reaches for her tazer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well you were howling threats into a payphone like the Unabomber."
Badgerman
Jesus Christ, Nancy, did you steal that hat from Buster Keaton?
gellaho
I'M NOT SUSPICIOUS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy is a bad detective.
Agent of Fortune
Or
Hear me out
The best detective
FancyShark
This makes more sense if you imagine Nancy's moving three seconds behind in time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy might be Mary Marvel in disguise.
Badgerman
"Listen: Nancy Drew has come unstuck in time."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wave at her left handedly and see if she still recognizes you.
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy is only certain of the facts she beats out of suspects.
Agent of Fortune
I lay down to take a nap but dammit Book Cage you've sucked me in
Brendan
Boys are from Hardy, Nancies are from Veronica Mars
FancyShark
When she says she wants "The Truth", she's referring to the chain-wrapped baseball bat she keeps in her car
Agent of Fortune
That would rule
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She does warn people they cant handle "The Truth"
gellaho
Turns out "Florida Fresh" is two old folks selling Country Time powdered lemonade
FancyShark
And "The Truth" hurts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Country time half tea and half lemonade mix fucks.
Brendan
Selling coke in lemonade power at a steep discount is such a perfectly stupid Nancy Drew crime.
FancyShark
"Why you eyein' my poisoned lemon drink?"
FancyShark
The sales figures are nothing to sneeze at
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mrs Anderson seems helpful, but immediately after Nancy leaves she gets out her burner and dials, and when the other end picks up she says "The jig is up. I need a passport to Hong Kong and a fake name TONIGHT."
gellaho
Nancy loves using her friend's sickness to get out of awkward situations
1000 Space GDCs
"See, this carton is even labelled "not poison"!
FancyShark
"I have to go. Because...one of you is evil and poisons people."
gellaho
This is definitely two human beings talking to each other
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brad is suspiciously concerned about the welfare of the girl he just met, and I dunno if thats me being cynical or something the author meant me to think.
gellaho
Definitely realistic hu-man conversation
Badgerman
"I have to use the poison! I mean the bathroom!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The girl is convinced because Brad is a handsome college lad.
1000 Space GDCs
"We saw someone from your company say it was dangerous yesterday, what was that about?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fifteen minutes later she drops dead, head swollen like a tomato.
FancyShark
Saving this, because it will be even better once all context is forgotten
Badgerman
"Can you tell me the ingredients so I don't set off my severe allergies?"
"No, but I'm sure it's fine 🙂 "
"You've convinced me, handsome lad!"
Brendan
Early attempts at guerrilla marketing were clumsy to say the least.
gellaho
Marcia decides this is a great time to get into comedy
Brendan
Not like today's subliminal mastery. Why, it's like I was saying to Brockway when I had just finished praising CARRIER WAVE, I said "Can you believe these NLP gurus? It's like something out of your hit novel, CARRIER WAVE!"
1000 Space GDCs
"They all said something about 'no loads refused'".
FancyShark
A nearby geiger counter goes ballistic when the jar gets close
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You get it George? Cos you're a spotty pizza face!"
gellaho
Brad runs out of the mall crying
Agent of Fortune
Five more people!
1000 Space GDCs
"I didn't tell you because you're a suspect, duh"
FancyShark
"Wow! Lemonade sales were brisk!"
"Dammit, Nancy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Because you wanting to fuck my fat ugly friend Bess was too suspicious an idea so I assumed you might have been poisoning her."
"Also I thought it was lemonade, because I'm kinda dumb."
Badgerman
The ending is Nancy going into Project Purity to start the cream decontamination machine with Bess' favorite Bible verse
Agent of Fortune
The lesson is don't buy mom and pop face cream
gellaho
Nancy goes to visit Beth. She meets a very open nurse
Badgerman
"You're in luck! Five people are on the brink of death 😀"
FancyShark
"Shift change in an hour. We don't lock the medicine cabinets. And the guards have no weapons. Bye!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What? No of course you dont have to really know them or be family. HIPAA violations havent been invented yet."
1000 Space GDCs
Damn, scooped on the HIPAA joke.
gellaho
Teenagers talk like residents of old folks homes, right?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Just go ahead and disturb these poisoning victims, random teen girl."
Badgerman
"Oh thank god. Do you have games on your phone?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Nancy you are in fucking high school, you aren't a private detective.
Agent of Fortune
I'm Nancy Drew, I'm a HEAVY AIR QUOTES private detective
1000 Space GDCs
You don't need to say anything other than 'I want my lawyer", Bonnie.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If you were, you'd know you cant just lie like that, its legally actionable.
gellaho
Nancy has no sympathy for these weirdly named victims
FancyShark
Tiffany "Internal Bleeding" Weld
Agent of Fortune
The real Tiffany Weld
1000 Space GDCs
The only person with useful information disgusts Nancy.
Badgerman
Todd Leithauser is giving you valuable warning signs, Nancy, that information could save lives
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tiffany Weld is like six feet tall and shredded, is into cars.
LyraV
I'm sure listening to the victim and their symptoms wouldn't help solve anything just breeze on by that Nancy
gellaho
I bet Beth thought that was hilarious
Badgerman
Boom roasted
FancyShark
Douglas Brody? Don't trust him
1000 Space GDCs
Tiffany Weld has a tattoo sleeve by an artist that's booked 16 months in advance.
Badgerman
Bet the lunch ladies are gonna think about that one for weeks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Unlike the cafeteria chicken!
gellaho
I'm guessing George hates her cousin
Agent of Fortune
Fuuuuck
Badgerman
Go fuck yourself, George.
gellaho
Just keep telling yourself it's just a movie
FancyShark
George was already asked to not go in the cancer ward
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahahha its cos you're fat, Bess."
Brendan
I hope Bess and Chet drive 50 miles every weekend for an absolute fuckfeast in a beautiful lakeside motel.
gellaho
If you can't trust a failed chemistry major to test poison, who can you trust?
Badgerman
Nancy Drew drives a fucking Mustang?!?!
1000 Space GDCs
Justin is the Chet of the story.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew cannot possibly be cool enough for a Mustang.
Agent of Fortune
It's where she keeps The Truth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn tho convincing people you are a fucking detective at 17 is lucrative.
Badgerman
Nancy Drew isn't even cool enough for Turbo Teen
Brendan
Former Mustang owner: it has forever been the car of <25 guys and >45 yo women. Which, technically, Nancy is by the time this book was written.
1000 Space GDCs
Justin's out burst about the poisoned makeup has still not been brought up.
FancyShark
They've invented acts that would make Dr. Kinsey vomit
gellaho
At least the Hardy Boys had some access to police resources, Nancy Drew only has her attorney father and a doorstop she calls a boyfriend
Brendan
They deserve to be happy and fat.
gellaho
"Fun times."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont even think Bess is, I just think George is mean to her about her weight.
FancyShark
And he was named after the sound a door makes when it hits him
Badgerman
S c a r e ?
1000 Space GDCs
And the tire iron in the trunk of her mustang.
FancyShark
That classic prank
Badgerman
They put cyanide in medication and it only qualifies as a scare??
Brendan
Pretty scary to think someone could die after taking just half a dozen sleeping pills.\
FancyShark
In their defense, it took a while for people to notice. They thought the sleeping pills were really effective
gellaho
Ned can recognize a good chemist due to his upbringing in the alien lab where he spawned
Juho
Pfft, lightweight, that and a bottle of gin is how I sleep most nights.
FancyShark
"He was chemistring with the best of them!"
<cut to Ned staring at a poptart in a toaster>
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He did this thing with a tube."
"You mean he took out the stopper?"
"Yeah it was amazing."
gellaho
They go to meet Marcia. And you'll never guess what happened
Badgerman
"It felt weird while we were doing it, but I kinda liked it."
1000 Space GDCs
Justin's former colleagues will tell you that his chemistry skills were not the reason he was forced to resign.
gellaho
The ghostwriter forgot the goshdarned exclamation point!
gellaho
Also, she got poisoned
Badgerman
And there was much rejoicing
gellaho
World class detective
Brendan
Marcia Grafton, lemonade enthusiast
FancyShark
Chief McGinnis. I assume that's an Italian name
Brendan
These no-good eye-talians and their shileighlighelighhs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh well if Marcia got poisoned, its probably fine.
Badgerman
Man, Terry really went a different way after Bruce finally passed
"What happened to her 👁👄👁"
1000 Space GDCs
Turns out Marcia just has an opioid addiction, nothing to worry about.
gellaho
"Him?"
1000 Space GDCs
Ned's been introduced like a dozen times, but no one can remember him.
FancyShark
"Faith and begorrah, you kiddin' me Italian ears, missie? Wot kinda name's Nickerson?"
Brendan
"Hi, I'm Ned. My girlfriend got me on The List"
Badgerman
"You settled for this clown?"
Brendan
"Let this boy into the murder attempt!"
gellaho
Nancy just rocking back and forth in this police car, thinking nobody notices
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Wait........NED Nickerson? The Chattanooga Strangler! He's been wanted for years!"
Badgerman
Way to implicate yourselves at the crime scene, Ned
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy is sitting in the bodily fluids of the guy who just got dropped off in the drunk tank
gellaho
But Ned's face always looked like that
FancyShark
Since when does the chief of police go to the crime scene?
Or is "Chief" his first name?
Badgerman
It was on the way to Dunkin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh the cops dont think you're connected, they just doodled on that paper to get you to confess.
FancyShark
"We know at least two of the victims and have been seen at multiple crimes scenes. But otherwise, I don't know what they'd have on us."
gellaho
So the police, actually doing an investigation for once in these books, figure out before Nancy that all of these people are involved in this poisoning.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I dont see how our knowing the victims and being around crime scenes is a connection at all, Ned. We need to follow up on my lemonade lead."
gellaho
And it looks like Nancy is going to get Justin sent to prison
Badgerman
If only she'd listened to Todd
FancyShark
"Chemistry test" is what Justin calls masturbating
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well I was trying to figure out what kind of poison might have been in this lemonade a girl gave me to test. Its stupid but I figured it would make her feel better."
gellaho
The best detective in town
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which Ned would find equally amazing.
Badgerman
"Popping the stopper"
FancyShark
@gellaho , please let us know when Swiper shows up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And as we all know, once you pop, you have to finish all over your lab partner.
gellaho
This entire town has brain damage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew and the Case of the Lead Contamination Scandal.
Badgerman
"Good thinking" with the slow nod feels extremely patronizing. I wonder if the chief is in on the joke
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy fails to recognize the condescension in his voice.
Brendan
There's no scandal if the local government refuses to do anything and pretends it's normal so long it becomes a point of pride among the townies
FancyShark
Every mystery is Nancy's Make A Wish
Brendan
Yeah we got da lead inna WATUH go back to Philly if that makes youse SCAWED
gellaho
Nancy may not be suited for this whole detective business
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We like flippers actually, it makes it easier to swim in our lovely lakes. And the hydrocephaly makes you very buoyant."
Badgerman
Yeah, it's a Dennis Nedry, book, we get it
FancyShark
The padding on this story is amazing
1000 Space GDCs
That was shameful shiver, Nancy.
Brendan
alrighty, time to go comic-con drinking.
safe sleuthing, youths.
Badgerman
Have fun! Be safe!
gellaho
Is Heather secretly a snail?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nasty Nancy getting her sleuthing cummies.
FancyShark
What @Badgerman said!
gellaho
Badgerman
I picture Justin running like Alex Jones.
1000 Space GDCs
Justin's about to get tazed.
Badgerman
Just going the fucking hardest he can but never getting anywhere. Like he's playing with bad ping
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Screaming at Heather about snakes underfoot and gay frogs.
gellaho
This appears to have turned Heather into a malfunctioning robot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gee Nancy, you think this might be a clue?
Badgerman
<sees the most suspicious shit ever>
"Are you okay 👁👄👁"
FancyShark
If your whole face is twitching, is it everything convulsing at once or is it like a series of gnats are flitting across your face?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Strawberry blondes give redheads a bad name.
gellaho
It's also very weird that the police aren't confiscating any of this poisoned makeup, and the teens are just taking it home
LyraV
yes
FancyShark
Take an evidence, leave an evidence
1000 Space GDCs
The janitor arrives to clean Justin's blood off the wall and apply some spackle.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assume alot of the teens are also detectives so they need it to solve cases.
Badgerman
If they want it they can come back with a warrant. Til then, the poisonings continue
gellaho
"She didn't notice these things I'm describing"
FancyShark
"I just want you all to know it was a nice day outside of this story"
LyraV
Frankly she wasn't even sure she had a plan.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
One thing you have to give the Hardy boys. By now, someone would have attempted to murder them.
FancyShark
There would have been at least one van explosion or buffet trip
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy is just a little teen FDA narc with a cool car.
Badgerman
To be fair, she did survive a brush with Covid
gellaho
Good thing I have this toolbox
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is America, some people think its fine to sell poisoned products.
LyraV
Ned Nickerson would definitely be exploded by now.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe would have stomped out Justin.
FancyShark
The toolbox contains a bottle of gin and a hacksaw
Badgerman
If only a factory would have some use for a person carrying a toolbox….
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy pulls a balaclava, bolt cutters, and a telescoping baton out of the toolbox
gellaho
Need your toolbox... to pretend to be the IT guy?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
By "Bluff her way inside" she means "Find a security guard and bash his skull with a tire iron."
FancyShark
"The Truth will blow your mind"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Why do you need a tire iron to fix computers?"
Badgerman
Nancy paced nervously outside the fenced compound, wondering when Jesse and Mr. White would arrive.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Is that a pipe wrench in that toolbox?"
FancyShark
"Uh..."
<15 minute tire iron beating>
gellaho
She wanted to find out if the profitable company profited from its profitable products
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Um.....No? I'm just happy to see you?"
Badgerman
Dear God.
FancyShark
Everyone knows sabotage directly leads to profit
LyraV
Nancy if you find out ANYTHING I will be shocked, the bar is so low at this point.
Badgerman
I can't even bounce a bit off that, that's so dumb
gellaho
It would.
But it didn't.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn she is going about this in a fairly roundabout way, I never thought I'd miss Frank and Joe's methods.
gellaho
Deez Nuts!
Badgerman
Botched the hell out of that Thieves Tools roll, we've all been there
FancyShark
Joe would be bludgeoned so many times by now
Badgerman
Just a greasy red smear on the floor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She should have brought Heather, who longs for the D.
gellaho
The D-Files would have been a very different show
FancyShark
"Teenage girls want the D" - Author's Intent
LyraV
The DOB file just says 'Time Travelling Sex Offenders' and nothing else.
Badgerman
In just a few seconds Nancy would know the truth!
But she wouldn't.
FancyShark
GASP! The company didn't keep a file on a former employee!
gellaho
It couldn't be.
But it was.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DOBDOL is a Lord of the Rings concept album for a psychedelic acid rock band that never got recorded.
gellaho
Nancy also has tremendous strength to close a door by shutting a file drawer
Badgerman
I have no words.
LyraV
The angry ghost following her is getting super pissed.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well.......Nancy you know its not like they are going to find you here and execute you, right?
1000 Space GDCs
DOBDOL is a giant fifties computer made of vacuum tubes that never actually got built.
FancyShark
Nancy piledrives every file drawer
gellaho
There must be.
There wasn't.
FancyShark
"DO SOMETHING SEXY OR INTERESTING, DAMMIT!"
Badgerman
DOBDOL was a Senator from Kansas
No, wait
Badgerman
Is this author trying to give us whiplash
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also I love how this proves nothing except maybe they dont keep files on ex employees or something and Nancy just got another reason to be suspicious of the dude she has like two reasons to be suspicious of.
FancyShark
This author is trying to avoid editing by arguing with themselves
1000 Space GDCs
This is suddenly a text adventure
>look around
There is nothing to pick the lock with.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
>Look niches
FancyShark
>Use drawer
The door closes
Badgerman
Nancy Drew: Questprobe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You found a gem!
Badgerman
>remember worst enemy nightmare
Ramb$ne Gracie
>get ye flask
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh if only ants would eat her eyes.
gellaho
Luckily Nancy weighs as much as a ceiling tile
FancyShark
The security team is watching this all on a monitor while eating lunch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes an 80s girl, shes mostly gristle and hairspray.
gellaho
And she leaves, which makes that adventure to the makeup company
Just double checking....
pointless
Badgerman
She then promptly crashed through the ceiling into the employee break room, falling straight through a folding table and blading
FancyShark
One room over, the T-Virus is being perfected
Badgerman
It's like a red herring only stupid
Ramb$ne Gracie
Suddenly Chinese flash bangs go off, hospitalizing her
gellaho
Karate fall
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Do you think we should like, stop her?"
"Nah shes like 17 and whats she gonna do? Those files arent confidential anyway."
Badgerman
Do you think it was Frank Dux or Sensei Dave who taught her how to hop down from a slightly taller than average height without hurting herself
FancyShark
"Today, students, we're going to cover how to fall out of a ceiling"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy you have judo training but didnt kick Justins ass when he was obviously threatening Heather? You suck.
gellaho
So relatable
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Stick up for your sisters, even if they might be involved in a string of poisonings.
FancyShark
Oh thank god! I was worried Nancy would have to cook!
Ramb$ne Gracie
They have a German housekeeper?
That's wealth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha she is such a bougie twerp. Drives a mustang and has a servant.
FancyShark
Never ask her about why she left Germany
gellaho
Is the murder plan that she accidentally forgets and uses the skin cream?
gellaho
Not outside the realm of possibility
Badgerman
"Next time I won't miss"
Ramb$ne Gracie
Something to do with her brother Hans getting a job in LA
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For a second I thought it would be something cool like a head.
FancyShark
"THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A BOMB"
gellaho
Just another day
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I've never seen someone send someone else cosmetic supplies as a threat before.
FancyShark
You've clearly never pissed off Mary Kay
Ramb$ne Gracie
Or her sister Ashley Madison
Badgerman
Butch the Bully upping his nastygram game
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nah I dont fuck wit MK, Sephora for lyfe.
LyraV
Nobody pisses off Mary Kay, she's fucking hardcore
gellaho
I'm sure this is definitely not a frame job
FancyShark
Or it's feces, Nancy
Remember, you get a lot of these
Badgerman
Poop pen poop pen
gellaho
Nancy grew a brain, good
FancyShark
Except the multiple suspects
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Because of course nobody else could have brown ink. Its so fuckin dumb what she latches on to.
Like so far he's the best suspect.
Badgerman
What if the twist is it's not a twist and Justin actually is this dumb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cos he acting sus.
FancyShark
"Wait a minute. Fish don't eat cactus! It's the janitor!"
Badgerman
"Brilliant deduction, chum!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The Janitor was Keyzer Soze!"
gellaho
Police Chief just calling to give pertinent evidence to a teen
LyraV
You can almost FEEL the author patting her on the head and saying 'You're really doing it Nancy'
FancyShark
Cut to a fish as it stops limping and gets in a car
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its ALMOST like Justin is shady!
gellaho
As opposed to other kinds of poisonings
FancyShark
Nancy is saying things before she things about them. Telling you all, she's unstuck in time!
Badgerman
"Chain of custody can go piss up a rope. Here's everything we know, teenager"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha fuck you book. I was kidding about the arsenic and bird shit!
LyraV
You called it, thats fucking dope
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's comforting to know that I have at least what it takes to write a Nancy Drew book.
gellaho
How is this information going to help you in any way, Nancy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If only sarcastically.
Nancy........IT DEFINITELY DOES.
FancyShark
"Y-Yah call this a murder? Why do we have all this poison?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And its not like arsenic is like....traceable.
gellaho
Who would have guessed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And you dont even know who sent you that shit, so even if it does it doesnt HELP you.
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy: "OH MY GOD SOMEONE TRIED TO POISON ME?!"
Agent of Fortune
We've got ourselves… an arsenicist 🕶️
Badgerman
Oh shut the fuck up, Bailey
FancyShark
The poisoner's insistence on exact and consistent measurements will be their downfall
gellaho
Marcia's skin cream addiction comes out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Um.......I think ten miligrams in a small tub of face cream IS a lethal dose tho.
Maybe?
Badgerman
The case is not going in fifty new directions, settle down
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont math good.
Nancy........you still have all of TWO fucking suspects.
1000 Space GDCs
Just slap a "warning: do not eat" label on the cream and they're golden.
Agent of Fortune
Kids eating face cream is the new tide pods
gellaho
Nancy Drew: Master of Deduction
FancyShark
That won't stop Ned
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Face Cream Challenge!"
Badgerman
"Now that I think about it"
Well fuck, Nancy, why start now
FancyShark
The contempt the author has for their audience is astounding
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hey.........Nancy. Do you think maybe Heather is afraid for her life now and doesnt have time to think about banging your white bread boyfriend?
gellaho
This ghostwriter has a compulsion to write this way
FancyShark
You're right, Nancy. There's no conceivable reason why a girl would stop flirting with the boyfriend of a girl who's been at multiple poisonings and isn't harmed.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew is one of those kids who is in terrible danger of being abducted, because all you need to do is ask her "Do you want candy?" and she will get in your van and sit quietly and wait to be handed a Werthers.
Badgerman
Oh thank god she was free, can you imagine if she wasn't? There might have been drama.
Stakes, even.
gellaho
She looks great.
She did.
Badgerman
I-
What?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well its nice Bess is out of the hospital.
Agent of Fortune
BEES IS THE REAL KILLER
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And her hide is back to its usual white and black dappled self.
Badgerman
Did you think we wouldn't believe you, ghostwriter?
gellaho
Ned's real into leopards
FancyShark
I think the writer has confidence issues
Badgerman
Kinky bastard
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned is angling for what he THINKs is a threesome, but Ned cant count to four and thinks it includes sandwiches at a diner.
gellaho
"Endless Days" by Last Night is the best you could come up with?
FancyShark
The band only plays covers of Korn
So, no
Badgerman
Brad seems like a Cbat sort of person
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Christian themed covers.
gellaho
Brad thinks he's blown this thing wide open
Badgerman
Gasp
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NO SHIT!
FancyShark
"Kornbread of Life"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Honestly this just makes Brad more sus.
LyraV
Justin NOOOO
gellaho
Brad then grew fangs and bit Bess
Badgerman
"He's too nice and funny", said about a boy who was neither nice nor funny
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
How could the fat asshole who wants to be a marketer and is violent towards women and suspicious as hell be a poisoner!?
1000 Space GDCs
Bess needs to talk to Heather about Justin.
FancyShark
You heard it here, folks. If you're funny enough, you cannot be convicted of a crime.
gellaho
Case closed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess is defending him like she lost her virginity to him and I just made myself sad.
gellaho
Fucking vital information, thanks
FancyShark
GRENADE!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
AND THE PINECONE EXPLODES!
Ramb$ne Gracie
You mean you didn't lose yours to Justin?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No it was to a very patient emo girl.
gellaho
Weird, ghostwriter
FancyShark
Taste that forest, children
Badgerman
Somebody at this typewriter gets horny when the pumpkins come out
gellaho
YES, I AM HUMAN MALE
Badgerman
"Do
FancyShark
That's right. Press those lips. That's what ghostwriter likes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned I like a good forest bang as much as anyone, and I understand you need to find privacy where you can in small town America, but her parents arent home and there's a poisoner on the loose.
1000 Space GDCs
"make leopard sounds for me, Nancy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Time and place, bud.
LyraV
Gently, she might explode!
gellaho
Master criminals
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nah she hasnt found a clue in hours.
Badgerman
Find the eight pages, kids!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Fortunately, Nancy had a derringer."
1000 Space GDCs
A suspicious cardboard box suddenly appeared on the path behind them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fun fact, you can get a real big bullet into a one shot pistol.
FancyShark
"I know you kids reading this are incredulous, but hold on to your fucking skulls because I'm about to blow them out the back of your heads"
gellaho
Nancy Drew bumbles herself out of a clue
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Guitar riff, skateboard tricks
Badgerman
Nancy pulls a .50 BMG out of her cardigan
FancyShark
And that's how Nancy almost met Bigfoot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned and Nancy are running for their lives from a raccoon.
Agent of Fortune
Some real Evil Dead 2 stuff happening to Nancy there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And I get it, you live in a town your whole life and you underestimate how big a raccoon gets.
But blundering thru the woods at night is a good way to get mauled by a bear.
gellaho
Bess is secretly an excitable dog
FancyShark
Bess is doing great for a poison victim
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess is a champ, she shrugged off that arsenic in no time.
gellaho
Suck it, Ned
FancyShark
"This is a french maid outfit with fishnet stockings"
"I got a matching one!" says Ned
Badgerman
Did oxygen loss during her coma damage the impulse control center of her brain or something?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Her liver has the texture of a basketball and is basically a kind of carbonized crystal tho.
gellaho
Scarecrow, huh? I mean, I guess
Badgerman
No, that's Sexy Buster Keaton for sure. Can't fool me
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I would have said "Riverboat gambler." before scarecrow.
Or "Inept Doc Holliday."
FancyShark
Ned is the Yellow Brick
Badgerman
Doc Workweek
1000 Space GDCs
The cover artist and the ghostwriter didn't have time to exchange notes.
FancyShark
Not Road. Just one brick
Agent of Fortune
Buster Keaton is ALREADY sexy Buster Keaton
gellaho
High school kids love produce
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
YEAH MAPLE SYRUP CHUGGING CONTEST!
Badgerman
Man. Fucking nothing going on in this town, huh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pound that tree blood, Bess.
Ramb$ne Gracie
Bess is a great name for a cow
gellaho
Also, they're growing pumpkins in a greenhouse? In the midwest?
Please
FancyShark
There's a razor blade in every grape
Ramb$ne Gracie
It's "tomatoes"
Ozzie
Bess's arc
gellaho
Riveting
FancyShark
"My family left me"
Badgerman
"No secret, just lots of squats"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"My secret is DDT and lonliness. I havent been touched in a real long time."
FancyShark
"Sometimes I consider drinking the DDT. But then the sun comes up and those thoughts wait for the next night."
gellaho
Admirable pumpkins
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
gellaho
Btw, Brad's last name is Chanin. In case you forgot
Which you probably did because they only mentioned it once
Ramb$ne Gracie
This didn't happen in California
Ozzie
It sounded familiar but I tuned out for a while.
1000 Space GDCs
"With people as well as bugs, I'm trying to insinuate", he continued.
Ramb$ne Gracie
Bread died at age 32 of arsenic poisoning though
Poor, delicious bread
gellaho
In case you missed it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
FancyShark
If that was the whole chapter, this book would rule
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Arsenic? More like Arse-n-lick.
FancyShark
BOOM!
Take that, toxic chemical!
Badgerman
And then the next chapter is just "'Tis."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahah nobody likes you, Arsenic. You have a weird haircut and smell weird.
gellaho
Nancy goes into her mind palace
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She started humming the theme song to "Winnie the Pooh" while she was coloring.
Badgerman
"Wait a minute, that card cream…!"
FancyShark
After hours of grueling concentration, she had it! They were poisoned!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
BY ARSENIC!
In their face cream!
gellaho
DON'T QUESTION THE WISDOM OF THE TRIANGLES
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brilliant deductions, Nancy!
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy forgets that she needed Justin's blood pen to inscribe the sigils.
FancyShark
Elementary my dear Nickerson
gellaho
Nancy comes up with a conclusion
gellaho
Somehow
LyraV
I totally forgot about Ned, as one does.
FancyShark
Expulsion: The only punishment for attempted murder
gellaho
It fit perfectly because George has a perfectly cylindrical torso
FancyShark
Huh. I didn't know George was a she
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess........your costume is just a run of the mill dress.......you weirdo.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Puts the earlier negging in a whole different light now, huh?
FancyShark
Nah, not really
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lol
gellaho
Nancy's indisputable evidence seems to be that his family uses arsenic as a pesticide
FancyShark
"Your love is the real poison, Bess"
gellaho
It's confused me every time I start reading one of these
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess is just so thirsty for the D shes willing to overlook Brads obvious poisoningness.
1000 Space GDCs
They're the only farm that uses pesticide, apparently.
gellaho
If you say so
FancyShark
They poisoned all the others
gellaho
Bess seems to be the only thing Brad wants
Badgerman
He wanted to discredit Justin so he. Poisoned like 12 people and put them on death's door
FancyShark
Kinda seems like he could have done more to implicate Justin than poisoning face cream
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That and maybe some college credits.
Badgerman
Buddy, I think there might have been another way to play this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean his dad puts arsenic on peoples food, clearly Brad is a little dumb.
gellaho
Bess's position is usually being horny for one of the suspects
FancyShark
She did have a promising magic career in the last one
gellaho
He wrote in brown ink, what more do you want?
gellaho
Comedy, and that was the first one
Badgerman
Always great when your friend group comes with a designated victim
gellaho
It was comedy club, plane bomb, and the 100th one you missed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Poor girl, she just wants some D.
gellaho
But sucked
FancyShark
Dangit
But also, yay! Sort of?
gellaho
Bess is easily swayed
Badgerman
Wait, plane bomb?
FancyShark
Different book but there were bombs going off in airplanes at one airport
LyraV
I'm sure he wasn't lying to YOU just everyone else.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy has a hell of a way to comfort her friend.
"You can totally get railed after he goes to jail. Its called "conjugal visits."
FancyShark
"Maybe the murderous asshole likes you?"
Badgerman
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit those tops are pink as FUCK
FancyShark
Gellaho certainly didn't arrange them that way for any reason
gellaho
Yeah, that's the first thing I notice
Badgerman
Oh no no no no no
LyraV
Never forget
Badgerman
I looked in the background
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew did 9\11 confirmed.
gellaho
Nancy really giving Bess no breaks
FancyShark
Specifically, that scene from Marathon Man
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Okay Bess, make sure you dont give away the fact you know he poisoned you while you make out."
"It's easy, its just like how I fake like I enjoy kissing Ned."
Badgerman
Make sure you put on your rubber lips so you're immune to his charms
FancyShark
"Wha?"
"Shut up, Ned"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And his poison chapstick.
Agent of Fortune
Don't trust Bees
gellaho
Nancy recognizes the cold, dead, serial killer stare. But decides to go with it
1000 Space GDCs
Isn't this bit from Mission: Impossible?
FancyShark
Ned knew immediately what to do. He went to the car and drove home.
Agent of Fortune
Ned will not catch the signal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy jesus. I mean he's probably guilty but maybe its not healthy to immediately start imagining he's a cold eyed killer?
gellaho
Accidentally skipped Brad's costume
FancyShark
Nancy's met Joe and Frank. She should know what actual dead eyes look like.
gellaho
Which makes this misleading as fuck
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brad is too ashamed to admit he's Sean Connery from Name of the Rose.
FancyShark
Brad, you carry a scythe or executioner's axe when you wear that getup or you go right to hell
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
People kept asking him "And not Christian Slater?!"
Badgerman
He was gonna be one of the Humanoids from The Black Hole but he forgot the mask
gellaho
Nancy is such a wordsmith
FancyShark
Checkmate, asshole
Badgerman
So the murderer has you alone and you immediately accused him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Um......Nancy that's now how this works. YOU are the one who needs evidence.
1000 Space GDCs
that's not how evidence works, you should know that by now.
Badgerman
What is it you do around here, exactly, Nancy?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And yeah I'd be pretty angry too if some weird girl accused me of poisoning people and I'd also be trying not to yell at her.
gellaho
My expectations would be ridiculous car chase, but I know better
gellaho
There's no Hardy van in sight
FancyShark
L.A. Noire tactic: if they're guilty, they always counter with "You've got no proof"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Usually after they screw up their face like a monkey does when it lies.
gellaho
He would stop.
But he didn't.
gellaho
How do you not keep up with him in your Mustang, Nancy
Badgerman
This writer really just has the one trick, huh
FancyShark
"BAM! WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT TWIST, WERE YOU, READERS?!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Why........would he not just skip town?!
FancyShark
He won't leave without his pumpkin wife
gellaho
Alright then
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brad played by: Michael Swaim.
Badgerman
"She jumped in her muscle car and brought it roaring to life, being sure to stay well below the speed limit at all times and always following the direction of the traffic light"
1000 Space GDCs
They had the opportunity for Nancy to get into a car chase in her mustang right now, but they just went right to the destination
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She had time to HEAR A PUNCH COMING and didnt duck.
FancyShark
This would have been much easier if Nancy had burned the building down when Brad ran in
gellaho
Brad has gone full supervillian
gellaho
But I'd love to know what the fuck hit her
FancyShark
"Is it poison? Because if it's poison, you've done that already."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jesus Brad you went from zero to crazy real quick.
Badgerman
Whoa whoa, "famous girl detective"? What's with the qualifier there, pal?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Like dude, its America and nobody died. You'd get a slap on the wrist and a job at that marketing firm for your moxie.
gellaho
Weird
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I mean you live in a country where someone once successfully argued they couldnt afford NOT to put formaldehyde in milk and poison children.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just saying, you are gonna murder someone for a real bad reason.
FancyShark
Slowly, methodically, he begins to pour water on her that was meant for dehydrated pumpkins
Badgerman
That fiend
gellaho
Brad needs to look up accident in the dictionary
FancyShark
Then he tosses her in the pumpkin patch and lets hunger do the rest of the work
1000 Space GDCs
"Your dad used that line already"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
So you're.........going to poison her? What? You fuckin ninny.
Agent of Fortune
This is a lame Halloween book
Badgerman
One of them accidental bondage poisonings
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Knock her ass out and put her behind the wheel of her Mustang and roll it into a ravine, you weiner.
gellaho
"And the best is a base-level marketing job at a make up company! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT"
gellaho
Nancy is a great detective
FancyShark
This is any marketing major, really
Badgerman
A book about the spookiest scare of all; mediocre white male ambition
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah securing entry level positions early is key to climbing the corporate ladder, NANCY! We can't all be fake detectives."
Badgerman
So at what point does this murder setup start to look like an accident
gellaho
Brad is very stupid
gellaho
"If I poison her, she won't tell anyone about how I poison people!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Jamie Dimon made his first million by the time he was 21, I HAVE TO GET AHEAD NANCY!"
FancyShark
"I mailed you poison that was only dangerous if ingested. WHY WEREN'T YOU AFRAID?!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dude just bash her skull in with a rake and claim you thought she was a burglar.
Nancy Drew breaks into all kinds of places, its well known.
LyraV
Yeah but then we might miss all this daring villian banter.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is the Midwest, I guarantee you theres some kind of castle doctrine law.
gellaho
No idea what actions this ghostwriter is attempting to describe
Badgerman
I think he tried and it didn't take. Her skull is just too dense
FancyShark
Oh, he's dead
1000 Space GDCs
This is like that bit from Sin City with bruce willis and the yellow guy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shit, Nancy used the Dim Mak.
Badgerman
Good old Captain Kirk double overhand. Nothing beats that
LyraV
Nothing for the whole book then she bashes in some dudes larynx.
gellaho
Here comes Ned, the errand boy
FancyShark
Ends the same way, too. With the same level of junk ripping
Badgerman
Better tie up Brad's corpse so it looks like an accident
1000 Space GDCs
Ned wonders why someone whose brain is all over the floor needs to be tied up, but knows better than to ask questions.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned you missed watching your girlfriend throat punch a motherfucker, you wonderbread dipshit.
gellaho
Just some rock solid evidence from Justin
1000 Space GDCs
Killing that man made Nancy feel things you could never possibly make her feel, Ned.
Badgerman
Hey, that's cool, why'd you flip out and smack the cosmetics out of Bess's hand in chapter 1
gellaho
Oh, fuck you, ghostwriter. Eat a dick
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh you think you might have like.......MENTIONED that before hand, Justin? You ass.
FancyShark
Guess that manuscript deadline came earlier than expected
gellaho
Everyone clapped
1000 Space GDCs
"Oh the files? Our HR guy is super disorganized"
Badgerman
Yayyy I guess
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yayyyyyyyyy..........wait why are we cheering? Marcia was a bitch."
LyraV
Boooo fuck you Marcia
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Also didnt she hide the fact Brad was poisoning people? I think she should be going to jail too?"
LyraV
I mean..I'm glad she's not in a coma. I guess.
gellaho
Sure, wait, what?
FancyShark
So glad the Chief has to make all the calls himself
gellaho
So Heather was short-circuiting due to...encouragement?
Badgerman
lolwut
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jesus Justin has a really violent way of encouraging people.
FancyShark
Back up. What did Heather say that day?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He really is a perfect candidate for being a marketer.
Badgerman
"I'll tell everyone what you did" was part of it iirc
Which. Uh. I don't think that got covered in this explanation
gellaho
Wakka wakka
gellaho
gellaho
The End
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned...........I hope you get car bombed.
FancyShark
Suddenly, a marketing sniper fires a bullet through Ned's spine
Agent of Fortune
Was toxic masculinity the real villain of the story?
Badgerman
Strangely enough, no
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That or capitalism?
gellaho
The next case... The same thing?
FancyShark
I think pumpkins were the real villain?
LyraV
Ned then collapsed under the weight of his own blandness
FancyShark
oh god, the stories are repeating
Badgerman
"Okay, wait, fuck, the deadline crept up on me, let me call a mulligan and I'll get it right"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy has other ideas so it probably was some of the student activists. SHe was ready to blame lemonade for a good while.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is how white holes are formed.
gellaho
In any case, we have defeated The Nancy Drew Files - Case #41: Something to Hide
FancyShark
WOO!
Great work, everyone!
Welcome to the fold, @Badgerman !
LyraV
@Badgerman You were killing it tonight! Well done Everyone!
Badgerman
Thank you! This was a hell of a ride and I'm super glad I was able to catch it, thank you @gellaho for putting this on!
gellaho
That concludes Episode 76 of The Book Cage.
FancyShark
Yes! Thank you, @gellaho !
gellaho
There was more.
There wasn't.
Badgerman
Perfect stinger
FancyShark
Have a great night, hotdoggers! See you all tomorrow for Fight Night!
