The Book Cage - Episode 76: The Nancy Drew Files #41: Something to Hide
It's Halloween for Nancy and friends. The haunts are afoot and children cower in fear. Nancy has travelled back in time? Although, maybe not. The back seems to be mostly about make-up for some reason. Bess has been Clearly hospitalized. Or hospitalized by Clearly, whatever. In any case, don't get rubbed out and join us this Friday, 5pm Eastern for a (possibly) Halloween-themed Nancy Drew adventure.
The big reveal is that the cream is toxic waste. Explicitly labeled as such.
And Nancy is going to use it to rub one out?
What kind of costume is that? 1920s vaudevillian?
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's The Nancy Drew Files Case #41: Something to Hide. Here is what you get for the preview
The spooky cover continues to be a mystery
Ned remains the luckiest plank of wood
Isn't this the plot of the '89 Batman movie?
I'll be a bit late. Work stuff. Looking forward to this though!
Time to begin the process
Tell them to suck it
Death haunts the Gondolier
The Nancy Drew titles are quite violent
The stubborn optimism of "Never Say Die" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in the midst of the rest of these calamities
Wings of Fear could be a sweet name for a Sabaton song.
Tagging myself: sisters in crime
Stay Tuned for Danger
27, Most Likely To Die.
Nancy Drew titles look like an awesome lineup at a heavy metal festival
Rich and Dangerous but it's mostly aspirational
Judgement call: Nancy doesn't count for the Redhead Check
Reddish. Weak.
Bess has that illness that sets your nose on fire
Bess you were told you needed to wear a mask and practice social distancing but NOOOOOOO, and now look what happened.
"Sick person refusing to isolate from their friends to prevent spreading respiratory illness" aged extremely poorly
This reads a lot different post-COVID.
Bess, ignoring the various fluids leaking from her face, is very worried about a pimple
"No, not your cold, Bess. I mean you are ugly, do your parents let you out of the attic like this?"
How about you wear a mask like a responsible adult.
"What are you talking about?" George asked, naively avoiding the subject of Covid
And yeah cute college boys love it when girls with runny noses drip on them.
I'm already exhausted with Bess.
I guarantee she would not be boosted if she was a person alive today.
Bess you dippy cow, you have to cover the pimples WITH the makeup, what do you think its for?!
You can recognize Ned by his many characteristics. Such as: tall
And kissing via emitted light
She swallows most of it by accident.
Those Nickerson boys are like cornstalks, I tells ya.
He kissed Nancy, tallishly.
I hope Nancy keeps her maiden name if they get married.
He's so tall Nancy brings a step stool to the sock hop.
Ned should kiss Bess, get some UV rays in there to kill the virus
Their contact at the makeup company Marcia, meanwhile, is described like a piece of modern art
Justin the loud talker
Justin Dodd? Well get outta there already, nyuk nyuk nyuk
"Angular" is a way my grandma would have said "knife faced" when she was being polite.
I was just thinking she must be a comic book character or one of those ladies from 80's hair salon art.
Justin is the resident nerd
I also hate Justin
"And a snub nose?" Aw fuck, he's a nerd with a gun
Prime suspect material
Justin doesn't clue into why everyone winces whenever someone he opens his mouth
Fuckin.........Man in like 20 years Justin is going to be just impossible, I hope he's killed.
Justin just being surrounded by tall, vibrant-eyed sculptures
Brad is now played by 2011 Chris Hemsworth in my head.
☑️ Redhead. Well, it ended up only taking six pages. Thanks, anonymous!
Someone should tell authors that heart shaped faces are a little weird.
Always a great sign when you have to fill out a medical history form to purchase a cosmetic lotion
Whenever I hear that phrase I picture a barn owl.
A heart shaped face.
High school must be hard for Lady George
George smokes during 4th period, narc.
"What.......exactly IS marketing?" fast paced 40s film music ensues
Why aren't you currently occupying a locker, Justin?
George's full name is George Exposition Fayne.
Justin is too fat to stuff into a locker, clearly.
Chewed his way out
The jocks just stick to making fun of his cherubic curls.
The scientists call them lab rats but we call them possible victims.
Marcia is willing to kill for this makeup giveaway
Heather already wants to murder him and I support her.
Heather is on the rebound after she was dumped by some drying paint
Nancy is a little dim for a teen detective, huh?
Why do you THINK the hot girl is flirting with your tall boyfriend?
"Doesn't this girl we've never met before know I called dibs??"
Heather gonna climb Ned like a tree and Nancy will think "Huh, thats an odd workout routine."
Brad is very into how Bess's gravely voice and runny nose
Just passing through in between a run and a trip to Comic Con Country. What's the premise?
Joker's cosmetic poisoning plot from Batman 89 but it's teen detectives
Market research for cosmetics; viral spreading
Oh my god is the twist going to be that there's no foul play and dumbass Beth contaminated the supply with her runny Covid nose?
Brad leaning close "You have some snot on your collar."
Brad just mainlining Bess's influenza
Justin is very subtle about the whole thing
"NOOOOOOOO THAT ONES FOR THE CAMERA! ITS ARSENIC AND BIRD SHIT!"
Justin is not being a good brand ambassador.
Justin does strike me as the kind of person who wouldn't think twice about hitting a woman for touching his stuff
He's like a young fat John Wayne.
Smooth
Justin.........you fucking............obvious liar.
It's going to take All of Nancys skills to sort this one out.
The rest of this book better be his trial and execution for peddling poisonous cream.
Classic abuser justification after the fact
These college kids are very invested in this potential corporate espionage
Damn tho that would be fun, if it turned into The Jungle but for face cream.
Justin just running through makeup companies
"Clearly is a good product!" says the obvious terrible liar.
WE WILL KILL FOR SKIN CREAM
Oh god they bought it.
Everyone kept nodding until their heads fell off.
Lotta synchronization in this group
Their heads all swiveled in eerie unison.
He got fired for telling customers the products were poison
Ah, a dumb nerd
Fuck you Justin.
This Dennis Nedry ass motherfucker
You could have made meth.
Not smart enough for science? Try business.
'wasn't a very good chemist' is code for 'burned down the lab'
Or "stole chloroform"
Its disgusting when a person chooses to not make the world a better place and goes into marketing instead of making bathtub gin for underprivileged children.
A questionnaire competition is surely the best way to hire someone
Marketing programs? Jesus, I've missed a thrill ride
What did I miss?
Also, hello everyone!
Well we fuckin know what Marcia's buy in is. Shes That Kid, who is gunning for a job and a three figure salary before she buys her first beer.
A lot of character intros in a row, some of Nancy's friends and some of Nancy's boyfriend's fellow college students.
Okay what did I miss
I'm sure the reports about handing out questionnaires will have more bearing than your grades
Marcia has so many starving children locked in her closet. She only lets them out for testimonials
Nancy doesnt understand why the pretty girl is flirting with Nancy's boyfriend.
Heather is thirsty for Ned and Nancy can't
oh scooped
Ned Nickerson is the YA Don Draper.
Except boring.
Ned Nickerson is so whitebread, he doesn't have dandruff. Just flour
@FancyShark Ned's two primary traits are that he is tall.
He's tall and he's a close talker
Once you get the stepladder.
Also he emits light from his eyes?
Very loomy. Like a Superfriend
Justin's character traits seem to be all of them
And if Horimiya is to be believed that is the mark of an honor student.
Brown?!?!?!?
IIRC, someone found a picture of Ned and it gives me hope because he looks like me in high school
Brown???????
Has Joe narrowly avoided certain death yet
monstrous
Hahahah what kind of dork uses brown ink in a gold pen?
Based on this, I'm guessing Nancy uses Ned for warmth because she's secretly cold-blooded
Everyone knows you use the gold pen and the ink is dried blood and only LOOKS brown.
Thats how you sign the Pact.
And ONLY the Pact.
Fuckin Justin.
"Sudden" sunshine?
Ned filled the pen with tootsie rolls and forgot
What, did she get flashbanged?
Looking great for Bess
THE NEXT DAY:
"Bess will be remembered for her wonderful personality"
The face cream and her illness are mutating her into a shoggoth.
"Bess you have some blood in your teeth."
Receive the wages of your sin, anti-masker
"Died suddenly" obituary incoming
"I'm fine" she said, as blood started coming out of her eyes
"Is that a piece of your lung on the sidewalk?"
Some acidity will help that sore throat immensely. Also: be sure to carefully take everyone's order first
Brad being genuinely concerned that this is the last time he'll see Bess alive
In her fever-induced hallucination, Bess no longer recognizes Brad
Not water? WTF Brad
I read "Florida Flesh"
This lemonade really helps my nerve damage
"Of course I'll be okay......Bread. You sure are talky for a loaf of French."
Bess notices Brad smells like burnt toast.
"My hand feels funny"
Looks at hand, which is now a clown
Who could have foreseen this!?
"Oh my!" she said, as wiry black hairs start to sprout from her knuckles.
Oh fuck, this just turned into My Hairiest Adventure
"Dammit, Bess. I'm finishing my lunch first."
Hahahahha you died and the last thing you said was "I feel funny."
No, Nancy, it's pronounced "hospital"
Brad gets everyone's favorite toppings on pizza and then calls 911.
You didnt even get railed by Brad.
Nancy immediately shifts into body-hiding mode.
Which, again, was never going to happen with that runny nose in the first place.
Go to the hospital? On Bess's insurance? Are you mad!?
Later, the doctors would remark that Bess could have been saved if she hadn't been moved around so much
Bess is going directly into the trunk and then they'll have a leisurely picnic near a swamp or a hog farm.
I bet the young girls in 1989 loved this extended description of Bess's pain
Man Brad is really going the distance for a girl he hardly knows and is drippy in a bad way.
"Says here the problem is you're Bess! HAHAHA! We have fun. Also, you have leprosy."
I guess this is why Nancy is a teen detective and not a teen first responder
Just a group of sociopathic college girls
"Oh, that high schooler is dying, but I want to fuck that boring guy"
Who is this noir detective femme fatale and what is she doing hanging out with these high school dorks
"Tcha! Bess would die when I'm trying to flirt with Brad."
Heather needs to just run a flag up that says "I AM JUICY FOR NED!" and be done with it.
Ned would need it explained at that point
He comes across as such a dingus he probably hasnt noticed.
This probably reads more comedic than they intended
It's all biological, he can reach the tallest bananas and will make strong offspring.
Weekend at Bess's!
Holy shit
So when do they take her to the pet sematary?
I have no words
Let's stand around and discuss social dynamics some more while our friend loses precious moments of life.
It's such a perfect comedy bit
Brad's a cartoon character
"Gawrsh", said Brad
"I mean her heart has stopped like three times and I think her throat has swelled shut. But yeah, its probably The Feminine Complaint."
"The what, doctor?!"
"Oh you know........wandering uterus."
"Happens all the time."
That blush must have turned Bess purple considering how red her face was
Bess aint calling nobody.
She gon diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee.
"Doctor, do you want us to wring out the floormats into a bucket? She lost a lot of blood on the way here."
Bess, honey, this dipshit you just met is sitting in your HOSPITAL room. You can imagine he's down for a date or something, chill.
This is also probably more erotic than the ghostwriter intended
Nancy discovers a polycule long before she could ever grasp the vocabulary to explain it
Juicy for Ned is such a strong name
Oh hell yes. I forgot Nancy gets off on clues
They're fucking, nancy.
Nancy is a great detective guys
OK, add Nancy to the list of female sociopaths
"Have I called the hospital? That's rich."
Wow Brad is kind of a good dude? How did he fall in with a bunch of sociopaths like Nancy and the gang.
Nancy is good at putting up a front
Peer pressure, I'd imagine
Heather's tug
toot toot!
Well, he's in college and Bess is in high school. So not that good
Ned should maybe establish some healthier boundaries.
Depends on your perspective
Ned is like six minutes away from seeing Heathers butthole and seven minutes away from being stabbed to death by Nancy.
"Flow" is a real load bearing word there
"Cute college boys" was Bess's explicit goal from the moment she got in the car with them.
Glad we're still spelling this out
Nancy stop being such a picky eater and eat the vile dead fish pizza.
She's looking for the Yellow Pages in the phone book?
Bwuh
Huhhhh????
Yeah cos the Yellow Pages are a separate section.
The yellow pages are the yellow ones, Girl Detective
As opposed to like residential listings.
She opened her Dictionary looking for the Thesaurus
What was it with pizzas and anchovies in the 80s? Everyone felt the need to say they didn't want any on their pizza.
Reverse psychology psyop by Big Anchovy
Right? Like when was anchovies such a popular topping that people had to express that they didnt want it?
I think pineapple occupies that space in culture now.
(It did not work)
Only took thirty pages, but at least we got to Halloween
What's up with pineapple now? you're all cowards.
Pineapple is good tho.
I too am coming in the shark from Jaws
So are anchovies
Wait I misread that
Oh good, he identifies with the predator animal.
"Um I'm coming as a guy who may have just watched a teen girl die today, JUSTIN."
Hopefully he's also like the shark in that we barely see him again for most of this.
Justin, you better not be appropriating my people's culture
@FancyShark might have some issues with that characterization
The shark in JAWS was a metaphor for alcoholism in a small northeastern coastal town. I think we're infringing on Hardy territory.
Although in the book it's more of a disintegrating marriage thing.
Shows up in LL Cool J's hat
The movie is better
I don't see an issue with that
Oh I meant in the bad way, @FancyShark is the good way
Fancy Shark is the BEST way
:sharkhug:
This is a great party
The Maneater devs wont answer my letters petitioning for a top hat and monocle.