Agent of Fortune
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76: Case 41 Something to Hide Carolyn Keene
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A rash of crimes erupt when Nancy investigates a new beauty cream
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FancyShark
SAME!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Marcia really sucks.
Agent of Fortune
High schoolers are brutal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont have a joke about that, fuck her.
FancyShark
The best parties feel like a suicide pact
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Slap that girl, Brad.
gellaho
Nancy knows that showing emotion is a sign of weakness to Georges
Agent of Fortune
😱
FancyShark
GASP!
Ozzie
Nancy activates Detective Mode
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
OH DO YOU THINK, NANCY?!
FancyShark
WHAT COULD IT HAVE BEEN, BOOK THAT MENTIONED POISONED FACE CREAM ON THE BACK COVER?!
Badgerman
She just ate a handful of silica packets before the book started, everybody calm down
Agent of Fortune
wait poisoned FACE CREAM?
Badgerman
It's a known quantity
gellaho
Nancy is a great detective
Agent of Fortune
That's dumb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Do you think maybe the fact that Justin was freaking out was maybe suspicious in retrospect?!
LyraV
Damn it Nancy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy you KNOW Bess doesnt eat food.
FancyShark
We're going to go through every possible form of poisoning before Nancy figures it out, aren't we?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It must be from her job at the cadmium centrifuge!"
gellaho
Apparently the blood test came back with just "poison"
gellaho
Because that's how that works
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Or her other job painting radium onto old timey watch dials!"
FancyShark
"But Bess doesn't even like eating poison!"
Badgerman
"It was some kind of chemical"
So we've narrowed it down to, oh, fucking everything
1000 Space GDCs
well, a chemical. that narrows it down
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"It must have been that shady Floridian lemonade!"
1000 Space GDCs
damn
FancyShark
The diagnosis chart is a skull and crossbones
Agent of Fortune
BESS ATE ANCHOVIES
Case solved
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes turning into a pelican now!
gellaho
This needs quotes or italics or something
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
By weeks end she'll be swallowing pigeons.
Agent of Fortune
Are you a pelican or a pelican't
FancyShark
"She was poisoned by pigeons!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy........its OBVIOUSLY Justin and maybe Brad.
You silly moo.
Agent of Fortune
Nancy's instincts rival Joe and Frank's
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just go and kill both of them and toss in Marcia for being a catty bitch.
Your old timey car deffo has the trunk space for three bodies.
FancyShark
It's why Frank has an actual crush on her. They're two robots wearing flesh
gellaho
Everything is warm
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God he calls his girlfriend "Nan" like shes his grandmother.
Agent of Fortune
Cover her what
Badgerman
I'm glad no attempt was made to identify the "he" speaking here. Very natural human interaction
FancyShark
Ned panics when he doesn't at least have something that smells like Nancy
Badgerman
Have to leave some clothes out with her scent on it so he can find his way home like a lost cat
gellaho
I'm sure they didn't sell anymore lemonade, Nancy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You......stupid..........the LEMONADE and not the FACE CREAM?!
FancyShark
There are bodies all over the sidewalk. Nancy thinks it might be a clue.
Agent of Fortune
Why would they keep any
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For the employees to drink.
Suicide pact.
Badgerman
Poison is expensive, Nancy, they're not just gonna sell it to every Johnny on the street
Agent of Fortune
Do they sort shitty lemonade by brewing date
FancyShark
Charge extra. With the right marketing, people buy anything
gellaho
Was it?
It was.
Agent of Fortune
Depends on the poison , drain cleaner is relatively cheap
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Marica calling her boyfriend to gloat about how catty she was today.
FancyShark
This reads like the ending of Blair Witch
gellaho
Nancy Drew chapter endings. Rule #1: Exclamation points!
Agent of Fortune
DO IT
Do it now
FancyShark
DO IT
Badgerman
Screaming about blackmail in a public space like a true master criminal
FancyShark
What's weird is Marcia's talking to her grandma about the lovely sweater she made
gellaho
Marcia is very good at hiding things
gellaho
Almost like she has
FancyShark
Marcia's hand slowly reaches for her tazer
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well you were howling threats into a payphone like the Unabomber."
Badgerman
Jesus Christ, Nancy, did you steal that hat from Buster Keaton?
gellaho
I'M NOT SUSPICIOUS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy is a bad detective.
Agent of Fortune
Or
Hear me out
The best detective
FancyShark
This makes more sense if you imagine Nancy's moving three seconds behind in time
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy might be Mary Marvel in disguise.
Badgerman
"Listen: Nancy Drew has come unstuck in time."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wave at her left handedly and see if she still recognizes you.
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy is only certain of the facts she beats out of suspects.
Agent of Fortune
I lay down to take a nap but dammit Book Cage you've sucked me in
Brendan
Boys are from Hardy, Nancies are from Veronica Mars
FancyShark
When she says she wants "The Truth", she's referring to the chain-wrapped baseball bat she keeps in her car
Agent of Fortune
That would rule
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She does warn people they cant handle "The Truth"
gellaho
Turns out "Florida Fresh" is two old folks selling Country Time powdered lemonade
FancyShark
And "The Truth" hurts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Country time half tea and half lemonade mix fucks.
Brendan
Selling coke in lemonade power at a steep discount is such a perfectly stupid Nancy Drew crime.
FancyShark
"Why you eyein' my poisoned lemon drink?"
FancyShark
The sales figures are nothing to sneeze at
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mrs Anderson seems helpful, but immediately after Nancy leaves she gets out her burner and dials, and when the other end picks up she says "The jig is up. I need a passport to Hong Kong and a fake name TONIGHT."
gellaho
Nancy loves using her friend's sickness to get out of awkward situations
1000 Space GDCs
"See, this carton is even labelled "not poison"!
FancyShark
"I have to go. Because...one of you is evil and poisons people."
gellaho
This is definitely two human beings talking to each other
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brad is suspiciously concerned about the welfare of the girl he just met, and I dunno if thats me being cynical or something the author meant me to think.
gellaho
Definitely realistic hu-man conversation
Badgerman
"I have to use the poison! I mean the bathroom!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The girl is convinced because Brad is a handsome college lad.
1000 Space GDCs
"We saw someone from your company say it was dangerous yesterday, what was that about?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fifteen minutes later she drops dead, head swollen like a tomato.
FancyShark
Saving this, because it will be even better once all context is forgotten
Badgerman
"Can you tell me the ingredients so I don't set off my severe allergies?"
"No, but I'm sure it's fine 🙂 "
"You've convinced me, handsome lad!"
Brendan
Early attempts at guerrilla marketing were clumsy to say the least.
gellaho
Marcia decides this is a great time to get into comedy
Brendan
Not like today's subliminal mastery. Why, it's like I was saying to Brockway when I had just finished praising CARRIER WAVE, I said "Can you believe these NLP gurus? It's like something out of your hit novel, CARRIER WAVE!"
1000 Space GDCs
"They all said something about 'no loads refused'".
FancyShark
A nearby geiger counter goes ballistic when the jar gets close
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You get it George? Cos you're a spotty pizza face!"
gellaho
Brad runs out of the mall crying
Agent of Fortune
Five more people!
1000 Space GDCs
"I didn't tell you because you're a suspect, duh"
FancyShark
"Wow! Lemonade sales were brisk!"
"Dammit, Nancy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Because you wanting to fuck my fat ugly friend Bess was too suspicious an idea so I assumed you might have been poisoning her."
"Also I thought it was lemonade, because I'm kinda dumb."
Badgerman
The ending is Nancy going into Project Purity to start the cream decontamination machine with Bess' favorite Bible verse
Agent of Fortune
The lesson is don't buy mom and pop face cream
gellaho
Nancy goes to visit Beth. She meets a very open nurse
Badgerman
"You're in luck! Five people are on the brink of death 😀"
FancyShark
"Shift change in an hour. We don't lock the medicine cabinets. And the guards have no weapons. Bye!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What? No of course you dont have to really know them or be family. HIPAA violations havent been invented yet."
1000 Space GDCs
Damn, scooped on the HIPAA joke.
gellaho
Teenagers talk like residents of old folks homes, right?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Just go ahead and disturb these poisoning victims, random teen girl."
Badgerman
"Oh thank god. Do you have games on your phone?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Nancy you are in fucking high school, you aren't a private detective.
Agent of Fortune
I'm Nancy Drew, I'm a HEAVY AIR QUOTES private detective
1000 Space GDCs
You don't need to say anything other than 'I want my lawyer", Bonnie.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If you were, you'd know you cant just lie like that, its legally actionable.
gellaho
Nancy has no sympathy for these weirdly named victims
FancyShark
Tiffany "Internal Bleeding" Weld
Agent of Fortune
The real Tiffany Weld
1000 Space GDCs
The only person with useful information disgusts Nancy.
Badgerman
Todd Leithauser is giving you valuable warning signs, Nancy, that information could save lives
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Tiffany Weld is like six feet tall and shredded, is into cars.
LyraV
I'm sure listening to the victim and their symptoms wouldn't help solve anything just breeze on by that Nancy
gellaho
I bet Beth thought that was hilarious
Badgerman
Boom roasted
FancyShark
Douglas Brody? Don't trust him
1000 Space GDCs
Tiffany Weld has a tattoo sleeve by an artist that's booked 16 months in advance.
Badgerman
Bet the lunch ladies are gonna think about that one for weeks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Unlike the cafeteria chicken!
gellaho
I'm guessing George hates her cousin
Agent of Fortune
Fuuuuck
Badgerman
Go fuck yourself, George.
gellaho
Just keep telling yourself it's just a movie
FancyShark
George was already asked to not go in the cancer ward
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hahahahha its cos you're fat, Bess."
Brendan
I hope Bess and Chet drive 50 miles every weekend for an absolute fuckfeast in a beautiful lakeside motel.
gellaho
If you can't trust a failed chemistry major to test poison, who can you trust?
Badgerman
Nancy Drew drives a fucking Mustang?!?!
1000 Space GDCs
Justin is the Chet of the story.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew cannot possibly be cool enough for a Mustang.
Agent of Fortune
It's where she keeps The Truth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn tho convincing people you are a fucking detective at 17 is lucrative.
Badgerman
Nancy Drew isn't even cool enough for Turbo Teen
Brendan
Former Mustang owner: it has forever been the car of <25 guys and >45 yo women. Which, technically, Nancy is by the time this book was written.
1000 Space GDCs
Justin's out burst about the poisoned makeup has still not been brought up.
FancyShark
They've invented acts that would make Dr. Kinsey vomit
gellaho
At least the Hardy Boys had some access to police resources, Nancy Drew only has her attorney father and a doorstop she calls a boyfriend
Brendan
They deserve to be happy and fat.
gellaho
"Fun times."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont even think Bess is, I just think George is mean to her about her weight.
FancyShark
And he was named after the sound a door makes when it hits him
Badgerman
S c a r e ?
1000 Space GDCs
And the tire iron in the trunk of her mustang.
FancyShark
That classic prank
Badgerman
They put cyanide in medication and it only qualifies as a scare??
Brendan
Pretty scary to think someone could die after taking just half a dozen sleeping pills.\
FancyShark
In their defense, it took a while for people to notice. They thought the sleeping pills were really effective
gellaho
Ned can recognize a good chemist due to his upbringing in the alien lab where he spawned
Juho
Pfft, lightweight, that and a bottle of gin is how I sleep most nights.
FancyShark
"He was chemistring with the best of them!"
<cut to Ned staring at a poptart in a toaster>
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He did this thing with a tube."
"You mean he took out the stopper?"
"Yeah it was amazing."
gellaho
They go to meet Marcia. And you'll never guess what happened
Badgerman
"It felt weird while we were doing it, but I kinda liked it."
1000 Space GDCs
Justin's former colleagues will tell you that his chemistry skills were not the reason he was forced to resign.
gellaho
The ghostwriter forgot the goshdarned exclamation point!
gellaho
Also, she got poisoned
Badgerman
And there was much rejoicing
gellaho
World class detective
Brendan
Marcia Grafton, lemonade enthusiast
FancyShark
Chief McGinnis. I assume that's an Italian name
Brendan
These no-good eye-talians and their shileighlighelighhs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh well if Marcia got poisoned, its probably fine.
Badgerman
Man, Terry really went a different way after Bruce finally passed
"What happened to her 👁👄👁"
1000 Space GDCs
Turns out Marcia just has an opioid addiction, nothing to worry about.
gellaho
"Him?"
1000 Space GDCs
Ned's been introduced like a dozen times, but no one can remember him.
FancyShark
"Faith and begorrah, you kiddin' me Italian ears, missie? Wot kinda name's Nickerson?"
Brendan
"Hi, I'm Ned. My girlfriend got me on The List"
Badgerman
"You settled for this clown?"
Brendan
"Let this boy into the murder attempt!"
gellaho
Nancy just rocking back and forth in this police car, thinking nobody notices
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Wait........NED Nickerson? The Chattanooga Strangler! He's been wanted for years!"
Badgerman
Way to implicate yourselves at the crime scene, Ned
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy is sitting in the bodily fluids of the guy who just got dropped off in the drunk tank
gellaho
But Ned's face always looked like that
FancyShark
Since when does the chief of police go to the crime scene?
Or is "Chief" his first name?
Badgerman
It was on the way to Dunkin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh the cops dont think you're connected, they just doodled on that paper to get you to confess.
FancyShark
"We know at least two of the victims and have been seen at multiple crimes scenes. But otherwise, I don't know what they'd have on us."
gellaho
So the police, actually doing an investigation for once in these books, figure out before Nancy that all of these people are involved in this poisoning.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I dont see how our knowing the victims and being around crime scenes is a connection at all, Ned. We need to follow up on my lemonade lead."
gellaho
And it looks like Nancy is going to get Justin sent to prison
Badgerman
If only she'd listened to Todd
FancyShark
"Chemistry test" is what Justin calls masturbating
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Well I was trying to figure out what kind of poison might have been in this lemonade a girl gave me to test. Its stupid but I figured it would make her feel better."
gellaho
The best detective in town
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Which Ned would find equally amazing.
Badgerman
"Popping the stopper"
FancyShark
@gellaho , please let us know when Swiper shows up
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And as we all know, once you pop, you have to finish all over your lab partner.
gellaho
This entire town has brain damage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew and the Case of the Lead Contamination Scandal.
Badgerman
"Good thinking" with the slow nod feels extremely patronizing. I wonder if the chief is in on the joke
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy fails to recognize the condescension in his voice.
Brendan
There's no scandal if the local government refuses to do anything and pretends it's normal so long it becomes a point of pride among the townies
FancyShark
Every mystery is Nancy's Make A Wish
Brendan
Yeah we got da lead inna WATUH go back to Philly if that makes youse SCAWED
gellaho
Nancy may not be suited for this whole detective business
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"We like flippers actually, it makes it easier to swim in our lovely lakes. And the hydrocephaly makes you very buoyant."
Badgerman
Yeah, it's a Dennis Nedry, book, we get it
FancyShark
The padding on this story is amazing
1000 Space GDCs
That was shameful shiver, Nancy.
Brendan
alrighty, time to go comic-con drinking.
safe sleuthing, youths.
Badgerman
Have fun! Be safe!
gellaho
Is Heather secretly a snail?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nasty Nancy getting her sleuthing cummies.
FancyShark
What @Badgerman said!
gellaho
Badgerman
I picture Justin running like Alex Jones.
1000 Space GDCs
Justin's about to get tazed.
Badgerman
Just going the fucking hardest he can but never getting anywhere. Like he's playing with bad ping
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Screaming at Heather about snakes underfoot and gay frogs.
gellaho
This appears to have turned Heather into a malfunctioning robot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Gee Nancy, you think this might be a clue?
Badgerman
<sees the most suspicious shit ever>
"Are you okay 👁👄👁"
FancyShark
If your whole face is twitching, is it everything convulsing at once or is it like a series of gnats are flitting across your face?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Strawberry blondes give redheads a bad name.
gellaho
It's also very weird that the police aren't confiscating any of this poisoned makeup, and the teens are just taking it home
LyraV
yes
FancyShark
Take an evidence, leave an evidence
1000 Space GDCs
The janitor arrives to clean Justin's blood off the wall and apply some spackle.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assume alot of the teens are also detectives so they need it to solve cases.
Badgerman
If they want it they can come back with a warrant. Til then, the poisonings continue
gellaho
"She didn't notice these things I'm describing"
FancyShark
"I just want you all to know it was a nice day outside of this story"
LyraV
Frankly she wasn't even sure she had a plan.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
One thing you have to give the Hardy boys. By now, someone would have attempted to murder them.
FancyShark
There would have been at least one van explosion or buffet trip
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy is just a little teen FDA narc with a cool car.