Badgerman
To be fair, she did survive a brush with Covid
76: Case 41 Something to Hide Carolyn Keene
Tags:
A rash of crimes erupt when Nancy investigates a new beauty cream
Archive
gellaho
Good thing I have this toolbox
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is America, some people think its fine to sell poisoned products.
LyraV
Ned Nickerson would definitely be exploded by now.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe would have stomped out Justin.
FancyShark
The toolbox contains a bottle of gin and a hacksaw
Badgerman
If only a factory would have some use for a person carrying a toolbox….
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy pulls a balaclava, bolt cutters, and a telescoping baton out of the toolbox
gellaho
Need your toolbox... to pretend to be the IT guy?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
By "Bluff her way inside" she means "Find a security guard and bash his skull with a tire iron."
FancyShark
"The Truth will blow your mind"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Why do you need a tire iron to fix computers?"
Badgerman
Nancy paced nervously outside the fenced compound, wondering when Jesse and Mr. White would arrive.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Is that a pipe wrench in that toolbox?"
FancyShark
"Uh..."
<15 minute tire iron beating>
gellaho
She wanted to find out if the profitable company profited from its profitable products
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Um.....No? I'm just happy to see you?"
Badgerman
Dear God.
FancyShark
Everyone knows sabotage directly leads to profit
LyraV
Nancy if you find out ANYTHING I will be shocked, the bar is so low at this point.
Badgerman
I can't even bounce a bit off that, that's so dumb
gellaho
It would.
But it didn't.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Damn she is going about this in a fairly roundabout way, I never thought I'd miss Frank and Joe's methods.
gellaho
Deez Nuts!
Badgerman
Botched the hell out of that Thieves Tools roll, we've all been there
FancyShark
Joe would be bludgeoned so many times by now
Badgerman
Just a greasy red smear on the floor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She should have brought Heather, who longs for the D.
gellaho
The D-Files would have been a very different show
FancyShark
"Teenage girls want the D" - Author's Intent
LyraV
The DOB file just says 'Time Travelling Sex Offenders' and nothing else.
Badgerman
In just a few seconds Nancy would know the truth!
But she wouldn't.
FancyShark
GASP! The company didn't keep a file on a former employee!
gellaho
It couldn't be.
But it was.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DOBDOL is a Lord of the Rings concept album for a psychedelic acid rock band that never got recorded.
gellaho
Nancy also has tremendous strength to close a door by shutting a file drawer
Badgerman
I have no words.
LyraV
The angry ghost following her is getting super pissed.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well.......Nancy you know its not like they are going to find you here and execute you, right?
1000 Space GDCs
DOBDOL is a giant fifties computer made of vacuum tubes that never actually got built.
FancyShark
Nancy piledrives every file drawer
gellaho
There must be.
There wasn't.
FancyShark
"DO SOMETHING SEXY OR INTERESTING, DAMMIT!"
Badgerman
DOBDOL was a Senator from Kansas
No, wait
Badgerman
Is this author trying to give us whiplash
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also I love how this proves nothing except maybe they dont keep files on ex employees or something and Nancy just got another reason to be suspicious of the dude she has like two reasons to be suspicious of.
FancyShark
This author is trying to avoid editing by arguing with themselves
1000 Space GDCs
This is suddenly a text adventure
>look around
There is nothing to pick the lock with.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
>Look niches
FancyShark
>Use drawer
The door closes
Badgerman
Nancy Drew: Questprobe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You found a gem!
Badgerman
>remember worst enemy nightmare
Ramb$ne Gracie
>get ye flask
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh if only ants would eat her eyes.
gellaho
Luckily Nancy weighs as much as a ceiling tile
FancyShark
The security team is watching this all on a monitor while eating lunch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shes an 80s girl, shes mostly gristle and hairspray.
gellaho
And she leaves, which makes that adventure to the makeup company
Just double checking....
pointless
Badgerman
She then promptly crashed through the ceiling into the employee break room, falling straight through a folding table and blading
FancyShark
One room over, the T-Virus is being perfected
Badgerman
It's like a red herring only stupid
Ramb$ne Gracie
Suddenly Chinese flash bangs go off, hospitalizing her
gellaho
Karate fall
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Do you think we should like, stop her?"
"Nah shes like 17 and whats she gonna do? Those files arent confidential anyway."
Badgerman
Do you think it was Frank Dux or Sensei Dave who taught her how to hop down from a slightly taller than average height without hurting herself
FancyShark
"Today, students, we're going to cover how to fall out of a ceiling"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy you have judo training but didnt kick Justins ass when he was obviously threatening Heather? You suck.
gellaho
So relatable
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Stick up for your sisters, even if they might be involved in a string of poisonings.
FancyShark
Oh thank god! I was worried Nancy would have to cook!
Ramb$ne Gracie
They have a German housekeeper?
That's wealth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha she is such a bougie twerp. Drives a mustang and has a servant.
FancyShark
Never ask her about why she left Germany
gellaho
Is the murder plan that she accidentally forgets and uses the skin cream?
gellaho
Not outside the realm of possibility
Badgerman
"Next time I won't miss"
Ramb$ne Gracie
Something to do with her brother Hans getting a job in LA
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
For a second I thought it would be something cool like a head.
FancyShark
"THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A BOMB"
gellaho
Just another day
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I've never seen someone send someone else cosmetic supplies as a threat before.
FancyShark
You've clearly never pissed off Mary Kay
Ramb$ne Gracie
Or her sister Ashley Madison
Badgerman
Butch the Bully upping his nastygram game
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nah I dont fuck wit MK, Sephora for lyfe.
LyraV
Nobody pisses off Mary Kay, she's fucking hardcore
gellaho
I'm sure this is definitely not a frame job
FancyShark
Or it's feces, Nancy
Remember, you get a lot of these
Badgerman
Poop pen poop pen
gellaho
Nancy grew a brain, good
FancyShark
Except the multiple suspects
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Because of course nobody else could have brown ink. Its so fuckin dumb what she latches on to.
Like so far he's the best suspect.
Badgerman
What if the twist is it's not a twist and Justin actually is this dumb
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Cos he acting sus.
FancyShark
"Wait a minute. Fish don't eat cactus! It's the janitor!"
Badgerman
"Brilliant deduction, chum!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The Janitor was Keyzer Soze!"
gellaho
Police Chief just calling to give pertinent evidence to a teen
LyraV
You can almost FEEL the author patting her on the head and saying 'You're really doing it Nancy'
FancyShark
Cut to a fish as it stops limping and gets in a car
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its ALMOST like Justin is shady!
gellaho
As opposed to other kinds of poisonings
FancyShark
Nancy is saying things before she things about them. Telling you all, she's unstuck in time!
Badgerman
"Chain of custody can go piss up a rope. Here's everything we know, teenager"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha fuck you book. I was kidding about the arsenic and bird shit!
LyraV
You called it, thats fucking dope
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's comforting to know that I have at least what it takes to write a Nancy Drew book.
gellaho
How is this information going to help you in any way, Nancy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If only sarcastically.
Nancy........IT DEFINITELY DOES.
FancyShark
"Y-Yah call this a murder? Why do we have all this poison?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And its not like arsenic is like....traceable.
gellaho
Who would have guessed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And you dont even know who sent you that shit, so even if it does it doesnt HELP you.
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy: "OH MY GOD SOMEONE TRIED TO POISON ME?!"
Agent of Fortune
We've got ourselves… an arsenicist 🕶️
Badgerman
Oh shut the fuck up, Bailey
FancyShark
The poisoner's insistence on exact and consistent measurements will be their downfall
gellaho
Marcia's skin cream addiction comes out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Um.......I think ten miligrams in a small tub of face cream IS a lethal dose tho.
Maybe?
Badgerman
The case is not going in fifty new directions, settle down
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I dont math good.
Nancy........you still have all of TWO fucking suspects.
1000 Space GDCs
Just slap a "warning: do not eat" label on the cream and they're golden.
Agent of Fortune
Kids eating face cream is the new tide pods
gellaho
Nancy Drew: Master of Deduction
FancyShark
That won't stop Ned
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Face Cream Challenge!"
Badgerman
"Now that I think about it"
Well fuck, Nancy, why start now
FancyShark
The contempt the author has for their audience is astounding
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hey.........Nancy. Do you think maybe Heather is afraid for her life now and doesnt have time to think about banging your white bread boyfriend?
gellaho
This ghostwriter has a compulsion to write this way
FancyShark
You're right, Nancy. There's no conceivable reason why a girl would stop flirting with the boyfriend of a girl who's been at multiple poisonings and isn't harmed.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nancy Drew is one of those kids who is in terrible danger of being abducted, because all you need to do is ask her "Do you want candy?" and she will get in your van and sit quietly and wait to be handed a Werthers.
Badgerman
Oh thank god she was free, can you imagine if she wasn't? There might have been drama.
Stakes, even.
gellaho
She looks great.
She did.
Badgerman
I-
What?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well its nice Bess is out of the hospital.
Agent of Fortune
BEES IS THE REAL KILLER
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And her hide is back to its usual white and black dappled self.
Badgerman
Did you think we wouldn't believe you, ghostwriter?
gellaho
Ned's real into leopards
FancyShark
I think the writer has confidence issues
Badgerman
Kinky bastard
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned is angling for what he THINKs is a threesome, but Ned cant count to four and thinks it includes sandwiches at a diner.
gellaho
"Endless Days" by Last Night is the best you could come up with?
FancyShark
The band only plays covers of Korn
So, no
Badgerman
Brad seems like a Cbat sort of person
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Christian themed covers.
gellaho
Brad thinks he's blown this thing wide open
Badgerman
Gasp
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NO SHIT!
FancyShark
"Kornbread of Life"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Honestly this just makes Brad more sus.
LyraV
Justin NOOOO
gellaho
Brad then grew fangs and bit Bess
Badgerman
"He's too nice and funny", said about a boy who was neither nice nor funny
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
How could the fat asshole who wants to be a marketer and is violent towards women and suspicious as hell be a poisoner!?
1000 Space GDCs
Bess needs to talk to Heather about Justin.
FancyShark
You heard it here, folks. If you're funny enough, you cannot be convicted of a crime.
gellaho
Case closed
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess is defending him like she lost her virginity to him and I just made myself sad.
gellaho
Fucking vital information, thanks
FancyShark
GRENADE!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
AND THE PINECONE EXPLODES!
Ramb$ne Gracie
You mean you didn't lose yours to Justin?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No it was to a very patient emo girl.
gellaho
Weird, ghostwriter
FancyShark
Taste that forest, children
Badgerman
Somebody at this typewriter gets horny when the pumpkins come out
gellaho
YES, I AM HUMAN MALE
Badgerman
"Do
FancyShark
That's right. Press those lips. That's what ghostwriter likes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned I like a good forest bang as much as anyone, and I understand you need to find privacy where you can in small town America, but her parents arent home and there's a poisoner on the loose.
1000 Space GDCs
"make leopard sounds for me, Nancy"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Time and place, bud.
LyraV
Gently, she might explode!
gellaho
Master criminals
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nah she hasnt found a clue in hours.
Badgerman
Find the eight pages, kids!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Fortunately, Nancy had a derringer."
1000 Space GDCs
A suspicious cardboard box suddenly appeared on the path behind them
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fun fact, you can get a real big bullet into a one shot pistol.
FancyShark
"I know you kids reading this are incredulous, but hold on to your fucking skulls because I'm about to blow them out the back of your heads"
gellaho
Nancy Drew bumbles herself out of a clue
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Guitar riff, skateboard tricks
Badgerman
Nancy pulls a .50 BMG out of her cardigan
FancyShark
And that's how Nancy almost met Bigfoot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ned and Nancy are running for their lives from a raccoon.
Agent of Fortune
Some real Evil Dead 2 stuff happening to Nancy there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And I get it, you live in a town your whole life and you underestimate how big a raccoon gets.
But blundering thru the woods at night is a good way to get mauled by a bear.
gellaho
Bess is secretly an excitable dog
FancyShark
Bess is doing great for a poison victim
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess is a champ, she shrugged off that arsenic in no time.
gellaho
Suck it, Ned
FancyShark
"This is a french maid outfit with fishnet stockings"
"I got a matching one!" says Ned
Badgerman
Did oxygen loss during her coma damage the impulse control center of her brain or something?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Her liver has the texture of a basketball and is basically a kind of carbonized crystal tho.
gellaho
Scarecrow, huh? I mean, I guess
Badgerman
No, that's Sexy Buster Keaton for sure. Can't fool me
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I would have said "Riverboat gambler." before scarecrow.
Or "Inept Doc Holliday."
FancyShark
Ned is the Yellow Brick
Badgerman
Doc Workweek
1000 Space GDCs
The cover artist and the ghostwriter didn't have time to exchange notes.
FancyShark
Not Road. Just one brick
Agent of Fortune
Buster Keaton is ALREADY sexy Buster Keaton
gellaho
High school kids love produce
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
YEAH MAPLE SYRUP CHUGGING CONTEST!
Badgerman
Man. Fucking nothing going on in this town, huh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Pound that tree blood, Bess.
Ramb$ne Gracie
Bess is a great name for a cow
gellaho
Also, they're growing pumpkins in a greenhouse? In the midwest?
Please
FancyShark
There's a razor blade in every grape
Ramb$ne Gracie
It's "tomatoes"
Ozzie
Bess's arc
gellaho
Riveting
FancyShark
"My family left me"
Badgerman
"No secret, just lots of squats"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"My secret is DDT and lonliness. I havent been touched in a real long time."
FancyShark
"Sometimes I consider drinking the DDT. But then the sun comes up and those thoughts wait for the next night."
gellaho
Admirable pumpkins
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
gellaho
Btw, Brad's last name is Chanin. In case you forgot
Which you probably did because they only mentioned it once
Ramb$ne Gracie
This didn't happen in California
Ozzie
It sounded familiar but I tuned out for a while.
1000 Space GDCs
"With people as well as bugs, I'm trying to insinuate", he continued.
Ramb$ne Gracie
Bread died at age 32 of arsenic poisoning though
Poor, delicious bread
gellaho
In case you missed it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
FancyShark
If that was the whole chapter, this book would rule
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Arsenic? More like Arse-n-lick.
FancyShark
BOOM!
Take that, toxic chemical!
Badgerman
And then the next chapter is just "'Tis."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahah nobody likes you, Arsenic. You have a weird haircut and smell weird.
gellaho
Nancy goes into her mind palace
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She started humming the theme song to "Winnie the Pooh" while she was coloring.
Badgerman
"Wait a minute, that card cream…!"
FancyShark
After hours of grueling concentration, she had it! They were poisoned!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
BY ARSENIC!
In their face cream!
gellaho
DON'T QUESTION THE WISDOM OF THE TRIANGLES
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brilliant deductions, Nancy!
1000 Space GDCs
Nancy forgets that she needed Justin's blood pen to inscribe the sigils.
FancyShark
Elementary my dear Nickerson
gellaho
Nancy comes up with a conclusion
gellaho
Somehow
LyraV
I totally forgot about Ned, as one does.
FancyShark
Expulsion: The only punishment for attempted murder
gellaho
It fit perfectly because George has a perfectly cylindrical torso
FancyShark
Huh. I didn't know George was a she
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Bess........your costume is just a run of the mill dress.......you weirdo.